Lin Hong's 20th anniversary bank colleagues' meal and the local lingo

This time last year we were going home, but luckily we still have a week and a bit here. But I still have work for three days so it was back to the grindstone after taking the kids to school from Jiuma. So when Tan said she was going out for a meal with Lin Hong at 5.30pm I was fine with that as I prepared to pick up the kids. Then Lin Hong rang me to say I was coming too, and that they were ready to eat. I wasn’t sure about the veracity of that statement so I grabbed myself a shower before picking up the little ones and driving to the usual Li Jia He Xian restaurant where we’ve been so many times this and last year.

Only Lin Hong was there waiting for us in our private room that was the size of a large dining room and living room, complete with karaoke machine. At least these rooms are big enough so the kids can run around in between picking at the sunflower seeds. Two other ladies then arrived, and it was explained that this was a twenty year anniversary as these people all trained together in 1991. Lin Hong took out a photograph from that year, and I had to find the people that were in the room now. It was quite tricky and I only managed Tan on the second attempt. By now a few more people had turned up and I had to find them too…. The meal was great of course, and a welcome distraction from work. As it was a large table it had a motorised spinner to turn the inner table with the food on it. I calculated it took 1m50sec to make one revolution. Then I calculated I was the only person to have made such a calculation, except perhaps for the designer of the said table.

Leilei, Lin Hong, and Xixi about to have another nice meal

Sumptious meal with Tan's ex bank colleagues



They ordered my favourite pi dan, and I noticed that many people actually use spoons to pick them up as the consistency of the dark albumen does not lend itself to elevation by chopsticks. Although it didn’t stop me trying. I also tried to speak a little local language to the delight of those there except Tan, who said I should first learn Mandarin properly. I disagree. At most of the meals that I attend here people speak to each other in the local tongue, which is incomprehensible to me. At other times it is Pingguonese, which at least is a flavour of Mandarin, so I grab some of the meaning. Tan said me learning the local language would be like her learning Welsh. True in a sort of logical sense, but utterly false in a very important way: I am not Welsh, and she does not hear Welsh spoken when out in the UK. I win. I need to learn the local language.

Gu – I
Meng – you
Dei gun – good food
Gun gnai – eat lunch
Gun sou – eat tea
Gun lo – drink alcohol
Gun liu – gan bei
Mei ya gu duk wen Bang hee – my wife is from Bangxu
Gu bo lo – I don’t understand
Gu lo gwa – I see (understand)
Lim bit – duck tongue
Gno ack – breast (meat)
Dai lo! – expression like “oh!”
Nah lo zhan – xiong di (good mate)
Gun em gwa – chi bao le (I’m full)
Dong yuk – I’m hungry

After the meal I popped next door to the tea table bloke where I got mine from last year. The kids were telling me to “buy that one!” and pointing at the ones in excess of 6000 kuai. But I did fancy a solid wood stool, and as he said they were 100 kuai I said I’d have one. But not with the kids on the bike, so I took them to Jiuma’s before doing a little shopping and coming back to pick up a 120 kuai stool (a little bigger), which smells very pleasant.

Baba's corner along with matching stool

Black eggs, red tea, blue win

Despite my forced fasting I didn’t wake up early and famished, and even skipped breakfast, which wasn’t hard as it was getting on for midday by the time I actually properly surfaced. I didn’t even go for a proper lunch but bought a pack of Japanese “beans”, which are peanut-flavoured hard things and some fairly tasteless things the texture of skips, and they saw me through till teatime. I fancied watching the football again but Tan got a call and announced we’d been invited to eat by A Xia.

So off we went to the usual Li Jia He Xian again and had a sumptuous meal, this time with one of my favourite dishes, pi dan (black, translucent, boiled eggs). Afterwards, A Wu wanted to take us blokes to his office, but I wanted to invite them back to our house to drink tea, as we’d hardly had any visitors so far, and Biao ge (Xiao Pan’s husband) had thoughtfully given me a couple of boxes of red tea a few days ago.

Ladies - from left to right: A Xia, Xi Li, Tan, Qian mei, A Ni, A Hua and Xiao Pan

One of my favourite dishes - liang ban pi dan

So the ladies went off to chat and the blokes came back to our place. We did actually drink a lot of red tea. But it was interspersed with gin and lemonade, as I introduced my friends to this spirit. Despite their looks of disdain on first tasting it, they continued to down the third of a bottle that I had left, and I hardly had any at all. Biao ge even called his wife to come and bring another bottle of shui bi (lemonade). It was very nice and comfortable to see our house being used as a home with friends around, especially as it centred around my tea table. As 11pm drew close I turned on Awl’s ex-laptop with the broken screen that is now plugged into the tv and searched in vain for a decent stream of the Bolton – City match.

A Dong, Biao ge and A Wu making themselves at home

The lads enjoying some tea, among other assorted beverages

As it was late the other blokes left as they don’t quite share my passion for City, and I finally managed to find a good enough stream at half-time. An ok 3-2 win for us but could have made it easier – still I’ll take 6 points from the first two games anytime. It still felt early at 1am when the game was over so I justified a visit to the bbq place by the guang chang and ended up chatting with some blokes who were from Ku Nan I think. Then I took my bbq to the seafood place where I ended up sharing a bit and chatting to some other blokes with a few more bevs. Finally got home at gone 2.30am and decided to sleep in Leilei’s room as the two of them were once again with Jiuma.

Working on "ads" and cards with Ling Ming

What a joy to have a genuine lie-in. Tan took Leilei out at some time before 10am and I managed to get a bit more kip to catch up on what I lost during the week. When I finally got out of bed at nearly 1pm I didn’t feel the slightest bit of guilt, and went outside to pick up a portion of jiao zi and a portion of bao zi. This time I also remembered to buy a bottle of soy sauce, as ours must be the only abode in China without one.

It was muggy outside. It’s been a strange last seven days weather-wise – not a day without rain but also one day so hot I had to move my laptops to the air-conditioned bedroom to work one evening. And then there was one evening where there was almost a chill in the air while taking the kids back from school. It is not like a couple of years ago when Andge and Ailun were here and every day was pure relentless heat. Whether it’s due to the weather, or some other reason, we already have long yan fruit in the market a few weeks before they were expected. These are my favourite, though this year the huang pi guo (yellow skinned fruit) are a close second.

Possibly due to the fruit, I’ve put on weight since we arrived over five weeks ago, so I skipped tea and waited for the Arsenal – Liverpool match to start at 7.45. I was going to use the “Ad Rocket” that Ling Ming had left in the house. Tan says that everyone who uses it notices a difference after one week at 30 minutes a day. To me it looks like a lazy man’s sit up machine as it has a spring back to help you back up again. Well, I had to give it a try to see how my “ads” would fare. But after no more than 5 minutes of lazy sit-ups I got a call from Waipo saying Leilei wanted to go home. So I slapped a tee-shirt onto my sweaty body and picked him up and started again. This time I managed 10 minutes with Leilei watching before I got a call from A Ni. This didn’t surprise me as Tan had been on her phone for over two hours yapping on. Actually it was A Da who called using his mum’s phone, asking if Leilei could come and play. Leilei’s eyes lit up and he grabbed a couple of his aotoman toy figures and we went to A Hua’s shop where we found most of the ladies. In fact they had all been trying to call Tan as they were waiting for her to go and eat bbq. I told them I’d go home and give her a slap, and they laughed a bit more than I was expecting.

"Ad Rocket" - sit-ups for the lazy

Back home I managed a few more minutes doing my ads, but Ling Ming had rung to ask me to come around to his house to eat and drink. I guess I can exercise any time so I told him I’d be around but after a bit as I needed to wash etc. I ended up getting there at 10pm, fairly famished after exercise and lack of food since midday. Ling Ming is a mean cook, so I was looking forward to it. I arrived at the same time as the beer deliverer. This is quite common here – you just pick up the phone and dial a beer as you would a pizza back home. He was delivering four crates of nine bottles but Ling Ming wouldn’t let me help carry them up the six flights of sweaty stairs. On the way I asked him how many people were there. “Eighteen”, he said, or at least I thought that’s what he said, as I could only count six including myself. There was food on the table, but we went to sit on the veranda to play cards. We played the ever-present drinking game “mo pai”. I finally understood the rules and it’s actually quite easy (I suppose it would have to be if it’s a drinking game).

After an hour it became obvious that they had already eaten and the table contained the leftovers. I pretended I needed to go to the loo and on the way back nicked a tasty prawn. On seeing this, Ling Ming brought the whole dish to the card table, along with some long yan and some huang pi guo, and I feasted on as many prawns as I could unshell in the next 15 minutes (about six). I knew I wasn’t going to get my fill here, but Tan had said they were going to two bbq places tonight and I aimed to meet them. I hit upon the sneaky plan of texting her to ask her to call me to come and pick up Leilei. But the text wouldn’t send. And neither could I make a phone call. I worked out I’d run out of credit, as I hadn’t received anything for a couple of hours either. So at 11pm I just said I needed to pick up Leilei, did a last gan bei and left the lads to continue their game.

As it was late I guessed Tan would be at the second bbq place by now so I drove the now nearly empty-batteried bike to the guang chang to find her. No such luck, but others who knew me were there and tried to get me to sit down with them. It was tempting, actually, but I thought I’d better see how Leilei was, so I drove down to the bottom of town to Tian Yang Po’s bbq, only to be told by her that the girls had just left. “What does ‘just left’ mean?” I asked, “10 minutes ago” was the reply. So back to the guang chang again, slower this time to find they certainly were not there. I could have done with credit in my phone at this time, and asked one of the women there if there was anywhere I could top up at this time of night. “No”, was the decisive reply.

But I was trapped – two women who recognised me called out my name, and then Yang Haiwei saw I was there and called me over where he was sitting with his wife and new baby, plus about three other women. I only stayed for 15 minutes as Haiwei was pissed and I couldn’t really be bothered. But I was starving and did take a little bit of their fei niu bbq before heading home.

Where I found Tan in a facemask in bed. Apparently they’d had enough to eat at Tian Yang Po’s so came home, and Leilei had gone to sleep at Waipo’s. I didn’t fancy going back again to the bbq place to get called over by all and sundry but I did just remember to go outside to charge up the bike. Unfortunately I once again left the keys in the bike but didn’t have the energy to go and pick them up – it’s not the first time I’ve done that, and the bike is under the watchful eyes of the security guard who isn’t always asleep.

Luckily I found a bit of chilli tofu in the cupboard and finished that in order to keep the wolf from the door for the night, and watched some of the Chelsea – West Brom game...unlucky West Brom, lost 2-1 again after going ahead, same as with Man U last week.

词汇 – Cíhuì - vocabulary
睡懒觉 – Shuìlǎnjiào – lie-in
感到内疚 - Gǎndào nèijiù – to feel guilty
幸亏 – Xìngkuī – luckily
面膜 – Miànmó – facemask
勇敢 – Yǒnggǎn - brave

Biting my lip not asking questions

As Xixi stayed with Jiuma I took a lazy Leilei there at 9.30 on foot again as Tan had taken the bike again. Actually, she happened to be there because for some reason the instructor hadn’t turned up. This is not the first time; last week she found there wasn’t a lesson because he was having his car serviced. I try to force myself not to ask questions in these situations, but I was bursting to ask “Why didn’t he call you/you him?” “Had you actually planned the lesson for 9am?”. But I think it all boils down, yet again, to how people’s time is cheap here; all it was was Tan’s wasted time (and getting up earlier than necessary). In the UK that is one of the worst things you can do, and would certainly lose you business. It is also the hardest thing I find adjusting to living over here.

Well, her loss was my gain of the dian dong che so I took the kids to school (Xixi’s turn at the front) and got back to another productive morning’s work. For lunch, rather than eat more jiao zi I went for a walk to find somewhere to eat out and ended up having rice and sweet sausage with bamboo washed down with sweetish herbal tea. A Wu had called before my pot had arrived and told me to leave it and come to eat goose with him. I thought about it but decided I needed to get back to work soon, and the goose could wait for another day.

Then Tan rang as I was walking back to say she was going to eat goose with A Ni and A Wu anyway. If it had been the weekend I would have come along for a second lunch, but I declined again and went home to tempt a siesta. Tan also came back, and we beckoned a siesta, but it didn’t want to happen, thanks in part to Tan not putting her phone on silent and receiving a call from A Xia about house buying. Apparently her husband’s uncle (already sounding dodgy) works for a building company that is currently building a new complex somewhere just North East of Pingguo, I guess half a mile or more away. Tan said we could “buy” a place there, or rather he could and we could pay him back over four or five years. There is some sense in this, in that property is a good investment, though I’m not sure we have enough cash to do it, and there are the various legal questions that I have over ownership etc that some people seem happy to ignore (until something goes wrong).

So I said we could have a look over the weekend. I’m also not so keen on the area; it means you really need a means of transport to get into town, something that you don’t need living where we are now. I think the main reason Tan is interested is that A Xia and A Ni are buying properties there.

I also learnt why apparently we suffered from electricity cuts recently, and not other places close by. Apparently we are served by “country electricity” and other places by “town electricity”. The town variety takes precedence over country in times of need, which is why country sometimes gets turned off. That makes a modicum of sense, but just leaves more and more questions that if I were to have asked would have just turned into an argument. So I didn’t ask, but changed the subject to something more interesting….

Refreshed, though not through sleep, I made a coffee and worked through the rest of the day until 6pm when we were due to eat with A Wu and some friends. Xixi was at home after I’d picked her up, but Leilei was with A Da again – Tan and I had allowed him to go home with A Da’s Waipo where he could stay the night. So Xixi, Tan, and I got on the dian dong che and drove the one minute to the restaurant, next door to where we ate tea yesterday. We’ve worked out a better system for Tan and I being on the bike together; instead of Tan behind with her arms around me, I sit at the back with Tan sitting in front of me, this time with Xixi perched in front of her. It’s more practical for everyone but I think we get even more stares that way (I am still doing the driving though).

There was a Nanning-based, Guilin friend at the meal, which also comprised A Wu’s Sechuan friend and his wife, A Hua and A Ni. Unsurprisingly the Guilin friend worked at a bank in the loans department. A Wu had brought three bottles of cool red wine – the same brand as we’d had before. Again, after a slow start, we managed to finish them off by the end of the meal, but the women did have some too. I had invited Chen Hong (or “Brandy” as he likes to be known) to eat something at the Bei Hai seafood place tonight, but as it was barely 8pm we decided to play pool.

I didn’t play that well but beat A Wu twice (the first time I should have won 20 kuai and the second time was double or quits but I never saw any money). I also beat the Guilin bloke before we decided to leave around half 9. A Wu’s VIP card had run out of money, so I paid 100 kuai for the 29 kuai we were charged. I didn’t receive any change as A Wu asked it to be put on the card, and then gave me the card as a “present”. Coupled with the 60 kuai I should have won at the pool I made a fair old loss but it was a good laugh and I suppose I did have a free meal.

I had invited Mr Rong, the Guilin friend based in Nanning, to eat out with us tonight, but he had explained he needed to get a taxi back home. So I was not totally surprised when on the way to the seafood place, instead of dropping him off at the taxi rank, we stopped at the Pingguo International Hotel where A Wu had arranged a room for him. While waiting for him to have a wee, I got out of the back and into the driving seat of his brand new Camry. It was indeed comfortable to drive, and the rear-facing camera quite an interesting experience when backing up in the dark. A Wu got back and just sat in the back seat, which was my cue to drive us to the seafood place, which I did quite uneventfully as I did not want to take any chances bruising his new set of wheels.

I’d also called Boss Hu, who turned up 15 minutes later, and eventually Brandy turned up with a couple of mates too. Around the table we had Boss Hu, A Wu, Sechuan friend, two of Brandy’s friends, then Brandy himself, Mr Rong and me. We didn’t have an awful lot to eat, but there were three portions of prawns, including the fried variety that you can eat the shell of, plus some shell fish I had no idea of the name of. Much “Li Quan 7 du” was poured (the 3.1% variety, i.e. the more expensive one), and much gan bei’ing was done. Everyone was in particularly high spirits and I lost count of the number of bottles we got through until around midnight when Waipo rang to say that Leilei wanted to go home…. So much for staying the night at A Da’s Waipo’s…apparently A Da hadn’t shared a computer game so Leilei wanted to go back to his Waipo’s. Then he wanted to go home home so I picked him up, with Brandy giving us a lift in his car, and took him back to the seafood place for a few minutes so the blokes could see him. I then had a good excuse to leave, as I didn’t really want more fizz in me, and was feeling rather tipsy anyway. But I didn’t forget that it was me who had invited people, so I went to pay the boss’s wife. It was 430 kuai and embarrassingly I didn’t have enough as Tan had taken a ton from me earlier. In view of the relatively little food we’d consumed I thought it a little on the expensive side till I realised we’d had more dishes than I had counted, and more beer bottles than I could count. She wouldn’t accept more than 400 kuai anyway, and for 40 quid, keeping eight blokes entertained with food and drink for two hours is pretty good going – especially as we were eating outside.

It wasn’t hard to get Leilei to sleep as Tan was there, but he did take my place again. I was happy to take his bed tonight as I probably stank a bit. But I had the presence of mind to call BT as I’d arranged an engineer visit for Saturday, and my confirmation email had said they would turn up at our old address…. Why did it take such a long time on the phone? And then just to be cut off…. So I emailed them that I hoped they would turn up at the correct address because I would not be paying a callout charge.

Taking turns to sit at front

The kids had slept with Jiuma again last night, and as Tan had taken the bike to her driving lesson again I walked to Er Jie's house to pick them up. As it was already gone 10am Tan had finished her lesson and was there too, so I was able to take them to school on the bike. We had the daily squabble as to who is to go on the front. They seem to have selective memories as to whose turn it is as it's always both of their turns. So I decided it was Leilei, but Xixi could hold the security card and give it to the lady by the gate. Parenting requires great diplomatic skills with two of them. Heaven knows how you manage with three or more.

I prefer to have Xixi in the front between my legs where I can see her (and over her). Leilei is a tad tall now, but worse than that on a couple of occasions Xixi has been tired on the back and I've felt her hands lose their tightness around my waist as if she's dropping off. Literally.

Having skipped breakfast I bought a couple of portions of jiao zi from the local place at midday. I need to vary my lunchtime diet a bit when I'm not eating out. As I was sitting in the bog I received a call from Huang Chang, the cook/boss from the seafood place. He had simply called to apologise for the behaviour of some of the blokes last night. I told him there was no problem at all and I understand if people get a little excited sometimes, especially if it is there first time chatting with a foreigner. But it was very thoughtful of him to call me anyway.

Then it was work work work till teatime when we were invited to eat near Er Jie’s house just a couple of minutes away. The ladies and kids were there, plus A Wu and we had a pleasant meal of fish soup, something like chicken, and spicy noodles washed down with water rather than beer for a refreshing change. I got the kids to eat up and took them to Jiuma around the corner before more work work work until Waipo called me to ask me to take Leilei and A Da to A Da’s Waipo’s house as Leilei was going to stay there. I was ok with that so biked round and picked them up, leaving Xixi happy to stay there. We nearly got to A Da’s Waipo’s house near the school when Tan called to ask where we were and to tell me that there was no-one in his Waipo’s house (which I doubted). So we turned around and headed to the zhou-selling place near our house, where we found Tan, A Ni and A Xia at a table inside with a particularly drunk man smoking a fag in a cigarette holder.

It transpired that this bloke was Tan’s teacher in her middle school, though he didn’t look much older than mid-forties. He slurred some praises about how good a student Tan was and I smiled in agreement but really had to leave as I had a meeting in five minutes. Even had I not had a meeting I would have invented one as it was uncomfortable being with this bloke spewing smoke everywhere with kids around. As I left I saw him drop his cigarette holder on the table probably spilling ash into the zhou. I IM’d Tan to come home soon as I didn’t want her in this bloke’s company, and she actually came home with Leilei not so long after.

Finally finished work at gone midnight, but I didn’t even feel like going for a bbq late snack tonight. Like head washes and massages, such luxuries should not become so common-place that they become…common.

Electric san lun che

Despite the horribly late night I was still up at 9am thanks to Xixi coming and telling me "it's morning time!". Well, I couldn't ask for a lovlier alarm clock. Quieter, maybe. It was a bit of a chore again to get Leilei up; they'd both been up late last night yet again...something quite expected when they have a siesta for two hours at school - not that I can complain about that!

I found that Tan had already gone when I got the kids clothed - she had another morning driving lesson. So the kids and I walked to the normal breakfast place and I managed to get them to eat some less sweet pancake and some bao zi, along with the quotidian dou jiang. As Tan had taken the dian dong che (electric bike), we took a san lun che to school. This differed from other san lun ches I'd taken before in two important ways. Firstly, it had a small bench facing the bench where you normally sit, meaning it could take 4-5 passengers legally, and three generations at a squeeze, as opposed to the normal one bench/generation. Secondly, it was battery-powered. This I found most interesting as I know petrol has gone up in the last couple of years from 5 to 7.5 kuai, and everyone is moaning (not complaining) about it. The kids are now fine to drop off in school and they run off eagerly to draw and play with their friends. On the way back home I struck up a conversation with the driver about having a bigger, electric san lun che. Basically it all made sense - only the second such conversation this year! Yes, these bikes are cheaper to run, break down less, and carry more people. To add to the win they cost the same as petrol-driven bikes new. There had to be a downside - I asked how many kilometres he got on a full charge and he said 80-90. Not bad. I suppose the downsides are that you cannot work more than x hours a day as at some stage you have to recharge, and every few months or year or so you'll have to change the batteries at a fair expense. Still, I told him I expected to see a lot more electric san lun ches on the road next year and he said he thought I was right!

Leilei and Xixi going to school on the electric san lun che

Once home I rested for one hour with Tan, as she had also just got back and was tired after mastering reversing into a garage.

The rest of the day was pure work, interjected with a smidgeon of sleep which was rudely interrupted by a bloke coming to finally finish off fixing the bottom of the new door and the skirting boards. Thank goodness I brought some decent coffee with me. That kept me up after work, when I decided I would go to the seafood place I frequented last year a lot, and this year hardly at all.

When I arrived, the cook's wife waved to me with one hand as the other was holding her mobile phone. Apparently she was trying to call her husband (Huang Chang) as she didn't know where he was. She gave up and asked me to call him, which I did...the phone rang until an electric bike pulled up behind me and I received a hearty slap on the back accompanied by an "A Ming!". He had just turned up with a mate and bade me sit down at a table with them. And then more, and more, and more mates turned up, all happier than they should have been to be sitting with a foreigner. They were mostly half cut so I was careful about not drinking too much. I stayed for an hour, during which I made polite conversation, but really these blokes, as nice as they were, were a bit too drunk for me to be comfortable. One bloke was particularly the worse for wear and kept trying to gan bei with me, so much so that even the others tolds him to calm down. The cook noticed my slight unease as I made my excuses, and led me away from the table as the others tried to grab me back. I thought he was leading me to another table where there were more blokes waiting to gan bei, but he lead me straight to the bike, and told me to drive safely. He is another of those people I consider to be a real friend here.

I had eaten at the seafood place, but not much. So I stopped off to buy a little bbq on the way home at midnight. I could have joined some people at a table for beer but decided against it, and instead on the way back stopped off at a little shop to buy batteries for our fan's remote control, and a rechargeable torch just in case we get any more power cuts. These are just some of the domestic considerations that have to be made living here.

Celebrating Mr Li's new "hotel"

So much for a lie-in after my late night – I was woken at 9am having my side poked by Xixi's legs.
A Wu rang at 9am telling me I needed to come and be present at his friend's opening of a new hotel. I didn't have the energy to argue and he picked me and the kids up half an hour later and took us to the breakfast place where we got the kids a sweet pancake each and a cup of dou jiang. He then took them to school before taking me to Mr Li's new hotel, or restaurant as it appeared to be. As it was, all we had to do was light a couple of rolls of bangers that took all of 30 seconds to burn loudly. Then he took me for breakfast of nice juan mian, where a blanket of noodle paste is rolled around some meat and greens and it tastes very nice. Then I was taken back home for 11am in time to do some work before the inevitable siesta! During the drive A Wu complained about the two rolls of bangers costing 130 kuai each and taking only 30 seconds to burn. For once I agreed with him wholeheartedly.


I promised him I'd be around for a meal at the new restaurant around 5.30, and after a few calls I finished my meetings before 6pm and he picked me up. He'd been telling me to "hurry up!" all the time he'd been ringing me, and when we got there we waited for at least twenty minutes for his friends to turn up. Totally typical of all foreigners I know! We met some more bank bosses at the meal and we ate well until what I thought was the end of the meal. Then the beer came...I explained that I was working so managed only half an hour of gan bei'ing before making my excuses and leaving.

Though dreadfully tired due to lack of sleep, when I went to bed I found Leilei in my place. Rather than disturb him I went to sleep in his bed but couldn't sleep until gone 4am. I really hope this doesn't turn out to be a habit.

睡懒觉 – Shuìlǎnjiào – lie-in
爆竹 – Bàozhú – bangers (firecrackers)
尊重 – Zūnzhòng – to respect
热裤 - Rè kù – hotpants (may be too literal a translation but I love the way they are the fashion here…)
Sod it. I can’t think of five words I don’t know just now – I’m going to do this on an ad-hoc basis. The main problem is when people speak to me and use words I don’t know…I’m going to have to start recording them or write down these words….

City win 4-0 and I learn 5 words

I was grateful to wake up at 10am today. I was willing to take the kids to school as I hoped to be up late tonight to watch City kick off their season against Swansea. However, Tan said she'd get them breakfast and take them in. I didn't argue as I've done this 90% of the time so far. As the game wasn't until 3am my time I was hoping to be able to take a kip first. No such luck it transpired. I had a lot of work to get through and managed a very productive day. But as a manager was back it was important for me to attend a late meeting again.

No worries I called home and France and had a chinwag with the parents and siblings, by which time it was getting on for 2am. A couple of small gin and lemonades kept me up till the time of the match and I found a reasonable stream online as my satellite doesn't seem to have the channel that provides football unfortunately. After half an hour we were the second best team by a mile. But we finally clicked and it was only a matter of time until we scored after 57 minutes. That opened the floodgates and we won easily 4-0 thanks to Aguero coming on after an hour...here's hoping he's going to prove as influencial in the coming years. I missed the last couple of minutes as Leilei woke up at 4.50am and I needed to tend to him. Finally got to sleep after 5am.

Apart from my meetings, and Tan on the weekends, and the kids, and of course teacher Lu, I've realised I've hardly spoken English. This should mean my Chinese is improving but I've noticed no particular difference. I'm in a rut, language-wise. It happens when you know enough to get by, and the mistakes you make rarely affect the meaning of your communication, so no-one corrects you. In fact the only correction I've received this year is Tan telling me when I've used the wrong tone, normally in front of everyone at a meal. Maybe it is considered rude to correct someone here, as I suppose it is at home too. One of my least pleasant experiences here (not involving poorly tummy) was two years ago when Andrew was here and we went to the you er yuan (kid’s nursery/school) to pick up Leilei. The teacher remembered me from the previous year and we had a conversation as you do after not having seen someone for nearly a year. Then at the end she said my Chinese was worse than the previous year. Crestfallen, I was.

So I'm going to try to learn five useful words per day, based, if possible on my experiences of that day so that they have a bit more meaning and will therefore stick in my mind:
杜松子酒 - Dù sōngzǐ jiǔ - gin
奎宁水 - Kuí níng shuǐ - tonic water
怪不得 - Guàibùdé - no wonder!
水龙头 - Shuǐlóngtóu - tap (as in water tap)
纠正 - Jiūzhèng - to correct

Awful stomach again

Woke up at 8am to the sounds of Tan's loud salsa ring tone and heard her saying I wouldn't be taking the kids to Nanning this morning as we had a late night. Oh yes, A Wu was taking A Ni and A Da to watch Transformers 3 (or rather A Ni was because A Wu can't drive out of town I understand). I was fine with that as I felt terrible as well as tired. I managed to doze until around 10 when I had an emergency tummy moment and had to rush to the loo. This continued for a bit until A Wu rang me to ask what time I was coming. There was no way I could be separated from a toilet for more than one minute so that was that sorted. I said I'd see, but had no doubts as to where I would be staying today.

This is the worst attack I've ever had, and I happily took the "la du" medicine that Tan had. As well as a lemsip I'd thoughtfully remembered to bring. By 1pm I was confident enough to go out and buy myself some small dumplings as I was famished and Tan was going out to see a former colleague from the bank. I got them from a really close place, that I'd been to before, and just wanted something simple. I was fine until coming back and a few yards away from our building when the tell tale signs emerged again. I did manage it to the lift though, and even though we are back down to one lift it was on the ground floor so I spent another 35 seconds of agony waiting to reach floor 14 and rush in again as Tan was leaving.

That was my last excursion of the day and I laboured under nasty head and neck pains all day, swapping between lemsip and ibuprofen until Tan came back in the evening with some chicken and rice that I wolfed down. The pain gradually subsided during the the late evening, but I'm not going to that fancy KTV place again in a hurry...

Birthday at KTV

Happy Birthday wife! Presents and cards are not the done thing here, so instead I booked out a room at the KTV place we went to the other week to celebrate in, er...style. Actually A Wu booked it as I met him for lunch at some place I hadn't been to before where I had relatively meatless meal of Lotus root soup and egg fried rice. We met Boss Hu there too and invited him to eat with us and to the karaoke that night.

We spent a fair amount of the day with Waipo in Er Jie's house as she has recently come back from Bangxu, and we ate there at 5pm as you do on such occasions as "Gui jie" I checked out the translation and according to google it's "hallowe'en". Weird. Maybe that's too much of a literal translation as "gui" means ghost. So it could be to do with a festival of the dead.

I was very embarrassed to read Handy P's comment from a couple of weeks ago when he suggested the wild chicken I had photographed was actually a pheasant. I've been coming here for eight years so I should know what a wild chicken looks like. It turns out I didn't. I don't have And's ornithological skills so wouldn't know a pheasant from a lesser-spotted tree-tailed French pigeon. But "Orni Andy" as he's known turned out to be correct after all. I'd never thought to translate "ye ji" as wild chicken fitted perfectly. Google confirmed that it is actually "pheasant". Now I am worried about the other "ye" animals and plants I've eaten. Is "ye ma" actually a hippopotamus rather than a wild horse? Actually it translates to "mustang" so I must started checking some of the others...

On the way to the karaoke place I stopped off at a lingerie place to get a present for Tan. The assistant told me to get something red on such an occasion, which I did, but had no intention of showing it to her in the company of her friends. We arrived at 9pm and Tan and the kids were already there. I was shocked at the price of the beer and food, but realised that it incorporated the price of the room hire and service. Well various people came and went, and many songs were sung at a high volume. I was taking it easy on the beer, but quaffed a couple when it became my turn to sing my party pieces. This time A Wu filmed them....

View from our KTV balcony during Tan's birthday party

Some of the lovely food on offer at Tan's birthday bash at the KTV

Tan in full flow (lucky it's not a video)

Ladies enjoying themselves at the sing-song

The kids were taken home to sleep at 10.30pm and we continued till gone midnight. There were plenty of nighttime snacks, as is the norm here, such as duck tongues, pig penises, dried squid with wasabi and other delights. I even ate a fair bit of everything and we needed to order more food a couple of times. We finally left at around half midnight after I'd bitten my tongue while shelling out the 1249 kuai for the evening. Well, to entertain in the region of 15-20 people for an evening it's not really that bad.

Ladies in the back seat on the way home from the birthday bash

Back home Tan wasn't too keen on the colour of what I'd bought her, but I was prepared for this and had the receipt for a return tomorrow. When she got to sleep I sneaked out to watch the second half of the Arsenal - Newcastle match. Hooray! Football is back. But I found out that our first game is against Swansea on Monday night...3am here...hmmm...sleep or no sleep?

Red wine and black car

Bugger. Woke up to no electricity again. I dressed into my swimming shorts and a tee-shirt and went to go for a shower and a few minutes after Tan did the same. The kids had slept with Jiuma again so they were ok. As I was passing the lifts I noticed that their lights were on, suggesting electricity. But on re-entering the house there was nowt. After my shower around 11am I got a call from A Wu who said we were going to have lunch together. I thought 11am was a little early, and I was right as he picked me up from Er Jie's house and we first went to drink tea at the place opposite our building. Luckily it was just tea as I'd been told we were going to drink red wine. Boss Hu was also in the car, and when we'd had our tea he was presented with two bottles of French red wine. I realised I was hardly dressed for a lunch with a boss, so I nipped home to put on some long trousers and a shirt first.

Apparently today is "Zhong Yuan Jie", or "Gui Jie", depending on who you talk to. Maybe one is today and the other tomorrow, hence the school being closed for two days. But that was the reason for going out for a meal. And I guess it was the reason that as soon as we got there - the place that does great goose - we opened the bottles straight away. I had been hoping for a normal day in the office, and then not have to attend the 11pm meeting, but this was looking unlikely as A Wu poured us each half a beer glass of wine. Quite restrained, I thought. For about ten seconds anyway until he filled up the glasses with the contents of the other bottle. It didn't take long for me to work out that one bottle was room temperature and the other cold so we would have a cool drink. So far French people would have turned in their graves at least twice; once for the beer glasses and again for the used of cold red wine. Worse was to come. The first ten minutes of the meal were quite civil; Leilei and A Da had turned up, together with A Ni and a couple of her friends. We had been sipping the wine slowly, always touching glasses before each sip as is the way, until the glass was half empty, when Boss Hu said "gan bei!". So the three of us (the others weren't drinkers) had to down the rest of the contents in one. Now the wine was one of the better ones I'd had here, and it appeared to be genuinely French, but downing a large mouthful of the stuff wasn't a pleasurable experience at all. However, it transpired that eventually it was palatable. I'd chosen to only have the room-temperature bottle, and as soon as both had been finished A Wu magicked one up from somewhere (probably his new car). Luckily there were no more after that, and after having drunk around a whole bottle I fairly easily fell into a siesta till half four.

Cold French red wine

It got better after a couple of glasses

Ah yes, this was the first time I'd seen A Wu's new car. He needed one if he wanted to impress bosses, as his clapped out Nissan Cefiro was not giving the right impression. So now he has another large black saloon car. Unimaginatively, it is a Toyota Camry. Maybe they're made here but they do seem the de facto boss-car here until one is able to afford a German one. Anyway, it's streets ahead of our 406 estate in the UK and has a rear camera and monitor so you can see who you're reversing into. But the car alarms here are all like they were in the 90s in the UK; whenever you turn it on from the remote control it makes a high-pitched squeek to let you know you've done so.

Due to my luncheon, the rest of the day was spent working diligently until gone midnight when I said "sod it" and took myself out for a bit of bbq, on the auspices of getting Tan five duck feet. I met some mates and had a little beer with them until they had to go, then sat down with a couple of gentlemen more my age and had a little beer with them too. They drove me back at around 1.30am when the bbq had arrived, but Tan was virtually asleep, so I non-greedily put them in the fridge for tomorrow.

Teacher Lu's school again

Tan didn't want the kids to go to school today for some reason but I did, so I drove to Er Jie's and got them there a bit later. I'm glad I did as the teacher told me school would be closed tomorrow and the next day for a festival I didn't quite understand. As soon as I got home karma set in as I saw that teacher Lu was calling me. He had tried to call me yesterday but I didn't pick it up so I decided to face my fate.... In fact he wanted me to have my picture taken with another of his English classes. So I said "ok" in order to do my penance and popped around for 11 as agreed.

Once again I had to shake hands with every child, and ask "how do you do?" and "what is your name?". I didn't really mind - it's probably very very rare that they get the chance to put their spoken English into practice with a genuine mother-tonguer, and the beaming smiles made it worth it. They were around 14 years old. There were four rows of desks, the front three occupied with four girls each and the one at the back by three boys, similar to as you might expect in the UK. However, the boys' English was far better than the girls', which is not what you might expect. I put it down to the shyness of the girls compared to the boys who couldn't wait to show off what they'd learned from American films.

Me with some of the kids from teacher Lu's school

Thankfully, the rest of the day panned out with electricity, so no more trips elsewhere to work. At about 4pm I called Lisa P in le Pago to wish her a Happy Birthday, except ma answered to say she was the only one up! Luckily, I got the chance to speak to her and And a bit later...sounds like they were having plenty of fun 5000 miles away too.

Patchy leccy but fixed wireless at Waip's

We woke up rather warmer than when we had gone to sleep. There was still no electricity and it was warming up. It was getting beyond a joke, but luckily I had the foresight to leave a wireless router at Er Jie's house last year, so I packed up my stuff again and trundled over there to see the kids and get back to work.

They had stopped using the router there for some reason...maybe it had disconnected and they didn't know how to reconnect it. I don't know but Chuan chuan had a laptop that probably hadn't been online since we left last August. So I re-setup the wireless so we now had three computers surfing happily as I got back to work.

Finally, at around 2pm I found we had electricity again, so moved my work stuff back home to continue working without kids to disturb me. And then we had the rematch from yesterday at 6pm. Splendid lightning struck up again with its accompanying thunder and downpour. It's quite exciting to watch, actually, if you don't see this all the time...but the "tick" that happened soon after was not exciting as the house plunged into twilight and we were without electricity once more.

As I was with Tan and the kids we went out to get some grub again. The rain had subsided somewhat so we trekked the 13 floors down only to find it had changed its mind and it was torrenting down again. To make matters worse I'd forgotten to bring the brolly and I wasn't going to soil my clothes by hiking up to our place again, so we got slightly less soiled by walking along the base of the house to shield us from a little of the rain, and I went out and commandeered a san lun che to take us back to Er Jie's house to eat. Once there I checked back every half an hour until the leccy was back on around 8.30pm. Phew. Tan and the kids stayed with Jiuma at Er Jie's house as they didn't trust that the leccy would stay, but I took a chance and went back to finish my work. Then I was able to go for a quick bbq at 12.45 and be back in bed by 2.

Geeking for wireless after storm halted electricity at home

I had a productive day at the office, and all was going well until around 6pm when darkness descended an hour or so earlier than usual. I then noticed that one layer of dark clouds was galloping along from the east to the west, and another, darker and lower was cantering in from the west to the east. They locked blades and sparks flew - a moment later there was torrential downpouring of clear blood washing the streets below. The rain lasted around half an hour but had the undesired effect of killing the electricity supply to our building. Annoyingly, ours was the only building within eyeshot to be affected. After a while of doing what we could with our bare eyes as the last light drained away, we left the place to get a bite to eat. I brought my laptop and other work bits and after eating went to Number 5 cafe as I know they have wireless Internet there.

I asked the bloke for the wifi key and he gave me a phone number - that seems quite normal here. But it didn't work, so he kept telling me to try different variations of it, with no variation on the success front. So I put on my geek hat and went to his computer where he was watching some American cop programme. I opened up the command prompt and typed in "ipconfig"; ah, the gateway was at 192.168.1.1. So I opened up a browser and navigated to that address to be greeted with a username/password dialog. On my second attempt I cracked it (not hard, really, it was "admin/admin"). My next hurdle was the User Interface in Chinese. I looked for the character for "wu", as in "wu xian" (without cable), and found it on the left hand side. Upon clicking it showed me all the wireless details, including the SSID so I knew I was connected to the right place, and then, lower down, the password "12345". Phone number my arse.

So I was connected, but it seemed incredibly slow. I just hooked up to the VPN but still couldn't get emails. I changed name servers to the google ones and this helped a bit as I was able to surf slowly without the VPN but it was no good for work, other than to IM colleagues I wouldn't be able to make that day's meeting. I gave up at midnight and went home. Tan was there and at least because of the moist atmosphere it was not hot, and we had a cooling breeze through the bedroom. The kids, though, spent another night at Er Jie's house in one of the air-conditioned bedrooms.

Paper aeroplane pleasure

Today was mostly work. Nothing to write home about. Except that at mid-afternoon we had a great storm that washed the town clean and gave the surrounding farmers more joy as their fruits were further fleshed. I managed to capture a streak of lightning as the eye of the storm approached our place. I had nearly managed a siesta when the clouds made their appearance and the rumbling thunder became more crackly and close. So my siesta was buggered but at least I was awake after the storm.

Lightning near our house

In the evening I took a break from work for a few minutes to indulge myself in a childhood pleasure that I enjoy more than an adult probably should. I found our old boarding passes that I had printed out on A4 paper before leaving London. It seems that here we just don't get the same thickness of paper...probably because it's unneccessary, but it doesn't half hinder the making of paper aeroplanes. It was around 7pm and just starting to get dark so I didn't have much time. I also didn't know when Tan or the kids might get back. So I got to work making a simple aeroplane I remembered from my days at St Joseph's Academy nearly 30 years ago. Unfortunately I haven't yet installed the hack that should allow my phone to continuously auto-focus while filming, but I did enjoy the three flights I managed before emails beckoned me back to work. Living on the 14th floor sometimes has its advantages. My first plane was the best, and went straight towards another block of flats, then took a draft from there and turned around before finally skimming the roof of a smaller two storey building and getting sucked down to the bin outside the front door.



During the nighttime I saw the terrible and disturbing scenes of the rioting in London. Those little shits looting with no excuse. I was shocked at what I was seeing and ended up staying awake refreshing the news till 4am. At least most of the London-based family near the trouble zones are away for the time being.

Kids' house-cleaning and pools

After a decent night's sleep I called Jiuma to see where the kids were, as Waipo is staying in Bangxu for a few days. I think her plan is to sell the house there to help put into a deposit for one here in Pingguo, as most of the family are living here now. Bangxu is in danger of becoming a ghost town, as so many people have now moved here. It's a bit sad, but it's the way things are moving here. Pingguo had that critical mass that meant people gravitated towards it, rather than looking to move to a bigger town or city. Nanning would be the obvious choice, but it's rather crowded and doesn't afford the fresher air and food that we get here in Pingguo. Of course, Pingguo is not as fresh as Bangxu, but in my opinion it is the best of both worlds.

Apparently the kids were at La la jie jie's, the place they spent so much of their time last year, near the centre of town by the big market. I took Xixi to have lunch at 12 as Leilei wanted to stay and play. We went to one of my favourite small haunts for a lunch of fragrant sausage and rice and soup. Xixi loved the soup (I think it was pork) and nearly finished it before we went back. I'd promised Leilei I'd ring our American friend to see if his daughter could come to play. His son answered to say they were out at the moment but we could come around. So I took both the kids and on the way bumped in to my friend, his wife and his youngest daughter whose Chinese name is Su Xiaoli. We walked back to the house with them and had a nice chat while Leilei and Xiaoli played with their new hamster named something like "Supertripod". The shop either didn't know, or didn't want to tell them that he only had three legs, a fact that they only found out a few days after getting him.

The kids were sufficiently entertained that I could eventually leave them to go back and tidy up the house a bit. I came to pick them up at 4pm and we took Xiaoli back with us to play at our house. The kids played rather nicely together, and for some (wonderful) reason decided that they would clean the house. Well, it would have been wonderfuller if they'd not used so much water and spread the dust around, but it was a neat effort even if the end result wasn't.

Kids with American friend washing the house! What have I done right?

We'd been invited to eat by Chen mei, who was in Pingguo for the weekend. So at 5.30 I called Xiaoli's dad and we all went out to meet him and leave her with him. Leilei wanted her to eat with us, but apparently she had other things to do that evening. We were picked up by A Xia's husband in the Camry, and driven the three minutes to Da Xue Cheng where we ate in another rather plush restaurant. Chen mei's younger brother also came. I'd not met him before but for the first time I noticed that Tan was right about people wearing glasses for no reason other than fashion; there weren't even any lenses, and he looked like a younger Gok.

Tan and others were looking at my photo of A Wu's 800k kuai, and saying it was impossible to get that much money in that bag. So I asked him again later that day and this time he said there was 400k kuai. I don't know...if I ask him again it could be 200k, and maybe if I ask him enough times it will disappear...

After taking the kids downstairs to look at the models of the new houses and roads, we finished our meal and A Wu and I took them back to Jiuma. Leaving them to play happily, we went to the new pool place by the guang chang, that used to be a bowling alley but fell into disrepair in the last couple of years. Surprisingly the tables were in good condition and were particularly bouncy. Being rather warm, here they have silky blue gloves that fit your thumb and first two fingers so that the cue slides easily. It's such a simple and effective idea I don't know why we don't have these in the UK. The rules were pretty much like UK pub rules, though A Wu said that you were either 1-7 or 9-15, whereas I pointed out that 1-7 were dots and 9-15 were stripes, rendering it much easier to think in that way. He didn't answer. I won the first two frames and he was frustrated that my strategy was to cover pockets while he just whacked the balls. Having said that I think others might get frustrated with the way I play. Anyway I let him win the next two frames until it was 9.15pm and I reminded him I wanted to watch Man City v Man Utd in the Charity shield at 9.30. I asked how much per hour it was and he answered "12 kuai". So I went to pay and found it was 28 kuai for the hour we'd spent. Fair enough as we'd bought a couple of beers and water but when I asked what the hourly rate was the young lady said "25 kuai". But A Wu had a "VIP" card so it was 18 kuai. Still, I'm not arguing and will hopefully come back soon.

The kids love looking at the model of Da Xue Cheng

Beating A Wu with the help of a three-fingered blue glove to avoid sweat

The Charity Shield was a disaster that we lost 3-2 after having gone up 2-0 somewhat luckily. I hope this is not a portent of the season to come. I called A Wu after the match as agreed, as I was meant to go out and "drink alcohol". Luckily it was already too late, so I went out myself for a little bbq on my own. Well, I went out on my own but soon made new friends before coming back nearer 2am.

Valentine's meal

I needed this weekend.

Today was Chinese Valentine's Day. Tan went out in the morning and then told me men should give women a present. Just for an alternative opinion I called A Wu to ask what the tradition was on such a day. He said that the women should give a present to the men. Somehow I expected that response.

Actually, on the way back from getting breakfast I had seen a couple of blokes with a red rose in their hands. But I think that's a bit tacky. And as And and I agree, growing flowers when so many people are starving is one of the worst uses of land you can possibly think about.

So I called Tan and we mutually suggested and agreed that a nice meal for the two of us would be appropriate and romantic, and that the Ming Dien hotel would be the most appropriate and romantic place in Pingguo. I just hoped that there would be no pianist as the last time I was there he was playing what would have been a most passable rendition of Chopin but the strings were so out of tune I wondered how such an artist could ignore this and still play through. We agreed that we'd eat at around 5pm. Tan had gone out with A Xia around midday so I presumed she'd eaten, but I got a call at 4.30 asking me to go to the Ming Dien now as A Xia had already taken her there. I assumed that meant they were both there, so told her I needed to finish drying the clothes. This I did and then put on long trousers, socks and shoes, and a long sleeved shirt, all for the first time this year here. As I pulled in to the Ming Dien car park I got a call from her asking where I was. It wasn't even 5pm but apparently she'd forgone lunch that day - as if I'd known that...

Well Tan was on her own, which was good for a Valentine's meal. But we moved tables as the people next door were smoking. They had a special Valentine's meal for 220 kuai each, which included two glasses of red wine each too. Based on my experience, and knowing we don't exactly have loads of cash, we (I) decided on something slightly more frugal, and had a couple of lovely dishes, followed by pecking food such as my favourite black eggs, plus shredded beef, cucumber and dried squid with wasabi and soy sauce. We were both stuffed, and stayed there a good two hours, sneaking home the uneaten beef in an empty tissue bag.

On the way back we stopped off at the supermarket, where Tan nearly bought a bed-table, for putting your laptop on while you laze in bed. I pointed out that these were kids' tables and that I could get a proper one at Ma Laoban's computer shop. We ended up doing some normal house shopping and I bought a water-filled cushion that was meant to make your bum a bit cooler when sitting down. Maybe it will work if I put it in the fridge first, but either way, it's quite a comfortable way of sitting down. As we'd bought quite a lot, including 6 bottles of plum juice, Tan got a san lun che home, and I took the bike to Ma Laoban's to get that most romantic of Valentine's Day presents - the bed-table.

Unfortunately Ma Laoban wasn't there, so his beautiful assistant sold me the table at normal price - 80 kuai. What a mug, I could have got virtually the same table, but with a kiddy picture on top, for 25 kuai a few minutes ago. But she really liked the table and that evening was worth it!

I'd not seen the kids all day. Apparently they'd gone to Bangxu with Jiuma as Waipo was there for some reason. Tan said they'd be home at 8pm so at 8.30 I gave Jiuma a ring to find that they'd just got on the bus and would be in Pingguo at 10pm. So Tan went to meet A Xia for some chatting, which is what she spends most of her time doing it seems. I went to get my hair cut at Lu Hai's, before heading back to the supermarket to swap the shoes Tan had bought for Leilei to a bigger size. I'd even said in the shop that the ones she chose were too small...oh well. A while later she rang to say A Xia's husband was pouring tea and needed some male company. Poor bloke, having to listen to women's natter. I came down and we had some pu er cha and finished off the dried beef with them and Tan's friend Huang Chen, who now has her own 2 year old daughter. The conversation was all in Pingguo Mandarin so I struggled to catch up until 10pm when I called Jiuma and found they had arrived in Pingguo. I intercepted them on the way back to Waipo's house and brought them to where we were drinking tea. By now they were on bbq but the kids just wanted me to take them out on the bike. This I did till gone 11pm when they said they were happy to go to Waipo's house to play and sleep.

Tan's second driving lesson and very dodgy tummy

I woke up a bit later than usual as the kids had slept with Jiuma at Er Jie's house. They used to hate being with Jiuma but I suspect a little present-buying has won them over. It is so nice and refreshing that elder relatives here not only see it as their duty, but actually WANT to look after the young kids. Jiuma was a bit gutted at first that they didn't want to be with her but she sorted that out herself.

As for me I felt dreadful. It wasn't a hangover, just a really dodgy tummy. I'd survived the first four days in Pingguo really well, but since then it's been on and off (the toilet) with mostly myself to blame for eating everything I'm offered. But today was particularly rough, and even Tan took pity and went to pick up the kids to take them to school. When she got back she'd bought me a load of medicine, which I took without first looking up its efficiency on the Internet (I normally trust no medicine here anymore unless I know exactly what it is).

But it was a work day, and so, feeling a bit better at midday, I got to work and didn't stop till 10pm. Except to take Tan to her second driving lesson. I decided to stay to watch how dreadful it might be. Actually she could have done a lot worse, and at least it was a manual. Thankfully they haven't allowed her on the roads yet. On the way back, as it was nearly 6pm I stopped off at the supermarket to get some basics like toilet rolls, but as I walked in I heard a shout of "A Ming!". Ah...a couple of my recently found friends had somehow recognised me and invited me into their hamburger joint. I explained that I needed to do some shopping first but would come back in a few minutes. True to my word I did so, and as I actually was a bit peckish I succumbed to a double hamburger and fries. It wasn't great; there wasn't much meat and there was too much salad dressing, but it did the job and it didn't cause me to jump to the nearest toilet within half an hour. They wouldn't accept payment from a friend so I left saying I'd call soon....

Tan about to start her 2nd driving lesson - quick, run away!


...and trying to avoid the manhole covers...

I needed a haircut again, and had done for a good week, so at around 10 I gave A Wu a bell to say I'd go for a head wash and cut. He needed a cut too so we met up at the same place as last time. I was asked if I wanted a face wash and said that I'd prefer just the head wash, but somehow became acquiesed into having a face wash too... As much as I adore these decadent hours, this time it almost felt painful...even my favourite place, just behind the eyes, felt a little sore under the pressure. Maybe it is possible to have too much of...certain good things.... When it was over I decided not to have my hair cut; I didn't quite trust the young kids with scissors as much as I did with their bare hands on my scalp.

Just in time

I decided to risk using the low-batteried bike to take the kids to school, and we got there slower than usual to ensure we actually did get there. In fact there was more than enough left to get me to the garage where they had my charger waiting for me, and then back home to charge it up.

I shouldn't have actually gone to the garage to pick up the charger. I also shouldn't have gone to pick up some of Tan's favourite breakfast noodles from a local shop. I was suffering from gut rot for not the first time and although I'd managed a trip to the loo before taking the kids to school I realised when I got their breakfast that this would not be the only such trip this morning. But there is something stupidly sadistic among many of us and for some reason I felt compelled to complete as many tasks this morning as I possibly could, instead of get back to the house asap. I thought I was managing ok while I retrieved the charger, but really noticed that I should be home while waiting for the local noodle place to do Tan's breakfast...even then I thought I may have to take a squat. But I manfully kept it in and when I finally got to our building I should have gone straight to our door, instead of insisting that I needed to charge up the bike. Heaven knows I could have done that after a good shit. But as I got off the bike to plug in the charger something moved and I felt like something fountainesque was to happen. I managed to plug it in and then the security guard reminded me I needed to pay 1 kuai so tried to quickly fish one out of my sweaty shorts pocket, something that, like a nightmare, took about a minute when it should have taken 5 seconds. The walk to our door seemed like an eternity and I could only take pigeon steps by now. And then...the lift. Thankfully in the last couple of days for the first time both lifts are working. This means there is generally one on the first floor (ground) and one on the ninth. I tried to push myself into the lift before the doors were wide enought to accept me, such was my agony. I punched number 14 and then again punched the "close door" button. I was nearly in tears. I unbuttoned my shorts and even unbuttoned my shirt. The 35 second journey to the top took 11 minutes and 40 seconds...I counted. I already had my keys in my hand and ran to our new front door with my shorts falling down my legs...turn once, turn twice, turn three times and finally the lock gave way as I rushed in and dropped on our non-ensuite bog and experienced the most satisfying shit I have done since at least five years ago when I was caught short at the bbq place in Pingguo and had to take a san lun che back while virtully powering the poor taxi with my farts. Twenty minutes later I was a new man with a grin that made me look like I'd just experienced an orgasm for the first time in twelve years.

From then on until midnight it was work work work. It's all very well working in the morning and afternoon when colleagues are asleep but I can't not go to the meetings they request. Tan had arranged driving lessons for the next few days. A "crash" course costing 800 kuai and consisting of eight one-hour lessons and one bonus hour for paying in one go. Look out, streets of Pingguo...

A Wu had rung me in the morning to tell me I had to go to lunch with him today at 12 as he had an important Nanning friend coming. I said I wasn't sure due to work commitments. Midday came and went so I called him to ask what was going on and he said they hadn't arrived yet, and that it was not good manners not to have told him earlier. The irony was lost on him. Still, he said we would have an evening meal at 6 so I said I probably wouldn't make it. But 6 rolled around and I fancied a bite to eat but when I called him he said they still weren't here and we'd probably do something tomorrow.

I did go out for a small bite to eat at around 7 though. As the lift arose to floor number 14 it did not stop though, and went up to number 17. Strange, but it came back down again to my floor. As it opened I walked in and nearly yelped as I walked straight into teacher Lu. He gave me his gormless smile and I gave him my guilt-ridden one. This is not the first time we have met in the lift. I think it might be the third. But it was the first time since I tried to stand him up and I was embarrassed again. Luckily, this time he was with a young girl about the age of Leilei who I guessed was his daughter. Thank glory-be I was right! I could put my attention on her during the 35 seconds it takes to descend (I know the journey well). To be honest I'm glad he has a daughter mainly because now I know he is not a virgin.

A bit later on in the evening I got a call from Jiuma to say that the kids wanted to stay at her (Waipo's, Er Jie's) house. I couldn't argue due to the amount of work, and was quite happy for them to make this step of independence.

Finally, my last meeting finished at midnight. Tan had gone out earlier with A Ni and A Wu to karaoke. I rang them to say I'd finished and A Wu said he'd pick me up immediately. This he did, in a new Toyota Camry (not his) and we went to a new place on the outskirts of town that was even more decadent than most of the KTV places. It was called an Opera House, though I couldn't see why. We were lead to our room over plush carpets by a beautiful young lady in a qi pao, where we met the Nanning friend and a few other blokes and ladies, most of whom I knew. For the first time this year I went through my renditions of Ni Shi Wo de Mei Gui Hua, and Pengyou. I was plied with weak beer, in an effort to catch up with the rest of the blokes but they needn't have bothered...I'd knocked back a swift Gin and Lemonade mixed with a smidgin of pulp juice before A Wu had picked me up as I knew I'd be asked to sing song in front of strangers.... Speaking of which I had a scare a couple of days ago when I went into our local supermarket and found that the alcohol section no longer contained a few bottles of Gordon's Gin or Smirnoff Vodka. Not that I'd ever bought vodka from here, but I'm partial to a little Gin and Lemonade (in the absence of Tonic) now and again. But a couple of days ago the Gin and the vodka was gone! I not only searched, but asked three separate workers where it might be, but they said it probably got removed due to lack of people buying it. What did they mean? I bought at least two bottles last year, and was about to buy my second this year. I gave it up and accepted that my only tipple this year would be the lovely Li Quan. But I had a small, sparkling hope in the back of my mind. I knew this supermarket had an alcohol section near the entrance, way after you've paid for your normal purchases. There, for at least a year now they have had on display (and probably not sold) Absolut Vodka, plus Jonny Walker whisky among other foreign booze. I dared to look again as I walked out and there they were; three perfectly formed bottles, 75cl of 43% export strength Gordon's Gin. They had gone up from 95 to 96 kuai, but I asked for a bottle and made sure I used my Nectar card when making the purchase. The devil inside me told me to buy the other two but I'm not such an alchy (although I secretly hoped they would still be there later in my stay here....).

During the time in the karaoke place I received incessant calls from the English teacher friend I'd made yesterday. I eventually had to answer one and said I wouldn't be back till very late but he kept calling. Well during that time I was taken "outside" to see the sight from the other door of our private room. In fact it was a balcony looking over what looked like a stage...where one might indeed have operas. It was rather like those expensive box seats you see in nicer theatres, except nothing was showing so it was rather dark. But I can imagine this being a great place to impress the boss when there was a show on...if you didn't like it you could go back inside and sing your own version of the song...

Ok, it's another bog, but it's an ingenious compromise between a squatter and a sitter...should have got one for our house!

Finally when back at 2am in the house I sent my incessantly ringing friend an SMS (in Chinese, I proudly add) to apologise and to say I was too tired to go out now...he actually replied and just said "no problem", not that it would have been to get to sleep regardless of his response.

Routine and a bite to eat with English teachers

Ok, the routine is settled. I take the kids for breakfast, then to school. I come back some time after 10am and I might go back to bed for a bit (ahem) or work through till 2pm or so before hopefully getting an hour or two of shuteye before the main stint of work when the UK wakes up. But there is nothing so productive as working when your colleagues are not up. The difference is amazing and I've got so much done. It's just getting dragged into the emails that start around 5pm my time when it all slows down.

Well anyway, I still picked up the kids and worked till nearly 10pm by which time as my 11pm meeting was cancelled I called A Wu and said I fancied a head wash so I met up with him at the place we have been going to for a few years now. I know the manager as her daughter used to go to the same nursery as my kids.

We had to wait our turn for a head wash

That night was rather popular, and we had to wait 20 minutes to get two women to attend to our needs. But the wait was worth it, as it always is. Once home I offered to get Tan some more bbq. She asked where I got yesterday's chicken claws from and I had to admit it wasn't from her usual preferred place. Actually she said they were better than "big sister's" place so I should get 10 claws from the same place as yesterday. This was slightly embarrassing as this time "big sister" was there and I had to walk past her and order from next door. Averting my gaze away from "big sister" I made eye-contact with a couple of people from a nearby table. They beckoned my over and I thought it best to go there rather than risk getting in eye-contact with "big sister".

This is not the first time it's happened. There were three blokes and a woman and her child. Two of the blokes were apparently English teachers, and the woman, one of their wives. I could barely make out a word of their English other than the normal "how are you?", but thankfully they were more than happy to slip back to Mandarin to enable something approaching a fluent conversation. They were nice people and I was happy to share a couple of beers until Tan's food was ready. In fact I'd ordered some stuff for myself that wasn't ready, so they bade me go and feed the wife and come back in a few minutes.... The last time I did this Tan wasn't happy about me going back to talk with some random friends at a table as she thinks everyone is from the mafia and will kill me. But this time I'd taken the initiative of taking a nice pic of them, including the wife and kid, thus proving that they were ok. Plus, the fact that the main bloke came from Bangxu should be helpful.

The English teacher, his son, his wife and a mate - components of a very friendly evening

Well, this time Tan had no issues with me going back at around midnight. Possibly this was something to do with the fact she had 10 chicken claws to enjoy in my absence. So I went back and spent the next hour in enjoyable conversation with my new friends, among others who visited the table. And we all laughed out loud when I told of my Bangxu wife, and spoke a few sentences in the local lingo. And again, it felt a bit like being in an English pub with mates. There's something very international about this. We all decided it was a good time to split around 1am and exchanged phone numbers as you do. I do expect to see them again this year.

I'm used to Chinese bogs by now, but they don't usually have a duck in them. I find it hard enough to wee with Tan in the same bathroom. This duck kept looking at me but I was nearly bursting so had no problem this time

On the way back I noticed that the battery on the bike was below "H" for High. This normally means that it will go right down within the next couple of miles. As it was a new battery I decided to drive around for a bit with the main beam on to try to kill it right down. Tan must have implanted some sort of radar tracker inside me as as soon as I was 500 yards from the house the alarm, sorry, phone, went off..."when are you back? blah blah blah..." so I made my way back with an even lower battery. When I got through the security gates I parked the bike to charge it up over night and then noticed I didn't have a charger. I must have left it at the garage the other day. Darn.

800,000 kuai and satellite TV

Another early morning, and this time to make a change from normal I took the kids to eat in the breakfast place before school. Maybe it was the change of scenery but they ate a bit more than usual. Leilei said he didn't want to go to school today, but soon changed his mind as he remembered that yesterday one of the kids had given him some cool frogs he'd made out of paper. You can even make them jump, such were his origami skills.

I worked all morning till A Wu called to ask if I wanted to eat lunch. I said ok but I couldn't be too long. I met him close to our place in a house-selling business where it looked like he was buying a house. I asked what he was doing and he said he was buying a floor, with eight buildings for a total area of 800 sq metres. I wondered what this really meant, but it seemed to transpire that he was talking accurately as out came eight contracts that were signed and fingerprinted. And I also saw 800m2 written on some other document. I just don't know when to take things as said these days. The process took half an hour, which was a bit annoying, though interesting at the same time. Then A Wu asked me to pick up his leather bag, and showed me that it was full of bunches of 100 kuai notes. Apparently there was 800,000 kuai in total, so I presumed it must be a deposit for the properties he was buying, but no. We took the bag with us into his car, where he explained this was to give as salaries to his workers at the stone quarry. I tried to work it out in my head - 80k quid for one month's salary at the wages I'm familiar here had to mean around 400 workers, and I swear there are no more than 25-30 there. Something else had to be going on - surely he doesn't pay yearly in cash. I decided not to probe further at that moment.

What 800000 kuai might look like

We drove a minute to the place we had goose the other week and left the bag in the car, but with the car parked very much in view outside the restaurant, where we enjoyed another fine goose, with more kong xin cai. I would have liked to have a nap afterwards, but needed to complete work.

But before then I remembered I needed to sort out a satellite dish. The set top box Waipo had lent us did not appear to work. This was apparently because we needed to pay to access the service, which would probably be a yearly contract, and didn't make any sense while we're not living here full time. So I rang Ling Ming, who has a satellite at his new place to ask if he could help me sort one out. Tan had said that the whole set up was only 150 kuai and I had my doubts, but I met Ling Ming at Waipo's house, and after waiting 20 minutes as it had just started raining, we set off to the centre of town to a small tv shop selling old style tvs from 350 kuai up to much more. Apparently the woman there was an ex-school colleague of Tan's in infant school, and called herself Pan Jie. Indeed, we picked up a smallish satellite dish, a smallish set top box, and a longish length of co-axial cable, then waited a couple of minutes for a bloke to come who would follow us back and install it all for 20 kuai.

Within 20 minutes we had satellite tv at home! About 46 channels too (though not the sport channel unfortunately). The bloke set the dish on its stand outside by the washing area and laid a few broken tiles on it to stop it moving. I intend to see if I can find any other satellites in the vicinity to maybe pick up some more interesting channels. I gave the bloke 25 kuai for his efforts, but couldn't take advantage of our new entertainment bundle as I needed to do more work...

Setting up our new satellite dish

Then at 5pm A Wu called to invite me for a meal at 6 with some friends at the seafood place. Tan had picked up the kids at 5 as I was in a meeting and said she would feed them. So I went alone and we chose what we would eat from the various tanks. I now understand better why this place moved from the previous bbq area place last year. They now have proper air-conditioned rooms and you can have a proper sit-down meal (at greater expense). I tried to call Tan to see if the kids were fed but she was in the shower so I came back to pick them up as the women who were present all wanted to see them.

Choosing what seafood delights to eat...juicy!

One of the women had brought three bottles of red wine. Unfortunately the place didn't have a corkscrew so eventually two of the blokes set upon the bottles with chopsticks. This clearly didn't work and after I'd offered to pick up my corkscrew at home (and was told not to bother) they just gave up and said they'd drink beer. How strange, I thought. Then as we were about to tuck in to our seafood delights one of the waitresses came in with a corkscrew. I guess she must have gone to the local supermarket. The wine was a lot more palatable than that in Tian Dong, but I limited myself to one glass due to work, and just had a couple of weak beers instead. The kids actually ate some seafood stuff. If only I knew what it was I'd order it again next time. They also had two sweet mantous each, which meant they must have been hungry.

I finally finished work at nearly midnight and went out to get a bit of bbq for Tan and myself. For what may be the first time ever, I wasn't dragged over to drink beer with strangers at another table, and rather spent the time waiting by chatting to Mat on skype.

Fixing the dian dong che and birthday beers at Number 5 Cafe

I'd meant to go to a garage to fix the bike yesterday but the party got in the way. So today, after taking the kids to school in a san lun che, I got the driver to take me to the place I went last year when the bike broke down and they fixed it and only charged 5 kuai. I explained the situation and one of the blokes took a couple of tools and me on his motorbike back to our building "Jun Lin Tian Xia". It's actually very difficult to translate what this means, but it's something along the lines of "The Emperor's kingdom under the sky", although Google has it as "Dominating". Anyway, the bloke got to work taking off the battery compartment and we had a look inside. Indeed, the batteries had become malformed over the last three years and now were trying to squeeze out of the compartment. It looked like we simply needed to change them, which was a relief, but I still wasn't 100% sure as they had been working ok before - I would have expected a more gradual decline in performance than a snuff-out.

There wasn't much we could do at our place, so he asked if I had a tow-rope. Of course I hadn't so he got out a sort of strong-looking rubber band from his bike and attached it to mine, then towed me the five minutes back to his work. Due to the nature of the tow-rope, I was constantly being slung to nearly crashing into the back of him, before being left behind several feet away. It was miraculous that the rubber band did not snap and leave him or me with a nasty scar. He'd mentioned about it being ready in the evening, but when we got to his garage he ordered a set of new batteries there and then. The whole process took a couple of hours, but when he'd finished the bike was like brand new and almost nippy. I had spoken to a number of the workers there during this time, and agreed to come back some day soon at 6pm to have a meal and drink some beer with them. I must remember to do that. The cost of the new batteries was 430 kuai. Only 30 more than when I last replaced them three years ago - so much for inflation.

I would have loved to take advantage of my newly re-found freedom on the bike, but Tan rang to ask if I wanted to go to her newly-found massage place, which is really good, and cheap, because it isn't in a great area. I said of course I'd go, and I took her on the bike to a perfectly acceptable building. I think they may be cheap as the bloke and his wife have just set up business in Pingguo, coming from 30km down the road in Long'an. I refuse to have a man massage me, so the boss's wife did me. I wasn't happy with the boss doing Tan but one thing had to give. Anyway, this is not a "for pleasure" massage as the head wash ones are, but more the professional kind. The woman said I spend too much time sitting down at a computer, which I could hardly deny, and indeed after it was over (and it was rather good I admit), I spent the rest of the day doing just that as I had work to do...

That evening I popped out to Ma Laoban's shop with the kids after school to let them play on his computers. They really enjoy playing some of the flash games on the Chinese sites. I noticed that next door at Number 5 Cafe they were setting up a gazebo outside, with what looked like a bbq underneath. I realised that I hadn't yet been to this place, which I had frequented last year to watch the World Cup and England's demise. The owner recognised me immediately and invited me to come back a tad later as it was his birthday. Of course, I had come to his birthday last year and had a good time although rather too many beers.

Back home I did some more work and some chores until I heard some loud fireworks from outside around 8.30pm. I went to look and they seemed to be emanating from Number 5 Cafe so a few minutes later I got on the bike and whipped round to say hello and Happy Birthday. The owner had already had a fair few, as had others inside. I was just about to sit down outside with the folk eating the bbq but was dragged inside and made to sit at a table with a couple of blokes and a couple of women, one of whom was smoking (a rarish site here, becoming less so, unfortunately).

As per usual I made comments about the wife and kids so as to get their disappointment over and done with early, and I gan bei'd with them a couple of times. But the gan bei'ing didn't stop there, and the owner insisted on me gan bei'ing with others until I myself insisted on playing cai ma in order to slow down the beer intake. Although it's only 3% the fizz can really fill you up and make it uncomfortable if drunken too quickly. Yang Haiwei was there with his wife and son. In fact there were quite a few dads with their wives and kids, all too frequently with a fag in one hand, the same hand that was holding their kid. By 11.30pm I was actually feeling more drunk than I have done in China for longer than I can remember, so made my excuses very insistently and left to the obvious disappointment of my friends there.

I remembered that Tan wanted some bbq chicken feet so I called her to confirm and then went to the normal "big sister" place by the guang chang. Strangely, she was not there...already shut up shop it seemed, so I got the wares from next door instead and got home around midnight. Leilei was not yet asleep so I took him to bed and ended up falling asleep with him until around 3am.