I shouldn't have actually gone to the garage to pick up the charger. I also shouldn't have gone to pick up some of Tan's favourite breakfast noodles from a local shop. I was suffering from gut rot for not the first time and although I'd managed a trip to the loo before taking the kids to school I realised when I got their breakfast that this would not be the only such trip this morning. But there is something stupidly sadistic among many of us and for some reason I felt compelled to complete as many tasks this morning as I possibly could, instead of getting back to the house asap. I thought I was managing ok while I retrieved the charger, but really noticed that I should be home while waiting for the local noodle place to do Tan's breakfast...even then I thought I may have to take a squat. But I manfully kept it in and when I finally got to our building I should have gone straight to our door, instead of insisting that I needed to charge up the bike. Heaven knows I could have done that after a good shit. But as I got off the bike to plug in the charger something moved and I felt like something fountainesque was about to happen. I managed to plug it in and then the security guard reminded me I needed to pay 1 kuai so tried to quickly fish one out of my sweaty shorts pocket, something that, like a nightmare, took about a minute when it should have taken 5 seconds. The walk to our door seemed like an eternity and I could only take pigeon steps by now. And then...the lift. Thankfully in the last couple of days for the first time both lifts are working. This means there is generally one on the first floor (ground) and one on the ninth. I tried to push myself into the lift before the doors were wide enough to accept me, such was my agony. I punched number 14 and then again punched the "close door" button. I was nearly in tears. I unbuttoned my shorts and even unbuttoned my shirt. The 35 second journey to the top took 11 minutes and 40 seconds...I counted. I already had my keys in my hand and ran to our new front door with my shorts falling down my legs...turn once, turn twice, turn three times and finally the lock gave way as I rushed in and dropped on our non-ensuite bog and experienced the most satisfying shit I have done since at least five years ago when I was caught short at the bbq place in Pingguo and had to take a san lun che back while virtully powering the poor taxi with my farts. Twenty minutes later I was a new man with a grin that made me look like I'd just experienced an orgasm for the first time in twelve years.
From then on until midnight it was work work work. It's all very well working in the morning and afternoon when colleagues are asleep but I can't not go to the meetings they request. Tan had arranged driving lessons for the next few days. A "crash" course costing 800 kuai and consisting of eight one-hour lessons and one bonus hour for paying in one go. Look out, streets of Pingguo...
A Wu had rung me in the morning to tell me I had to go to lunch with him today at 12 as he had an important Nanning friend coming. I said I wasn't sure due to work commitments. Midday came and went so I called him to ask what was going on and he said they hadn't arrived yet, and that it was not good manners not to have told him earlier. The irony was lost on him. Still, he said we would have an evening meal at 6 so I said I probably wouldn't make it. But 6 rolled around and I fancied a bite to eat but when I called him he said they still weren't here and we'd probably do something tomorrow.
I did go out for a small bite to eat at around 7 though. As the lift arose to floor number 14 it did not stop though, and went up to number 17. Strange, but it came back down again to my floor. As it opened I walked in and nearly yelped as I walked straight into teacher Lu. He gave me his gormless smile and I gave him my guilt-ridden one. This is not the first time we have met in the lift. I think it might be the third. But it was the first time since I tried to stand him up and I was embarrassed again. Luckily, this time he was with a young girl about the age of Leilei who I guessed was his daughter. Thank glory-be I was right! I could put my attention on her during the 35 seconds it takes to descend (I know the journey well). To be honest I'm glad he has a daughter mainly because now I know he is not a virgin.
A bit later on in the evening I got a call from Jiuma to say that the kids wanted to stay at her (Waipo's, Er Jie's) house. I couldn't argue due to the amount of work, and was quite happy for them to make this step of independence.
Finally, my last meeting finished at midnight. Tan had gone out earlier with A Ni and A Wu to karaoke. I rang them to say I'd finished and A Wu said he'd pick me up immediately. This he did, in a new Toyota Camry (not his) and we went to a new place on the outskirts of town that was even more decadent than most of the KTV places. It was called an Opera House, though I couldn't see why. We were led to our room over plush carpets by a beautiful young lady in a qi pao, where we met the Nanning friend and a few other blokes and ladies, most of whom I knew. For the first time this year I went through my renditions of Ni Shi Wo de Mei Gui Hua, and Pengyou. I was plied with weak beer, in an effort to catch up with the rest of the blokes but they needn't have bothered...I'd knocked back a swift Gin and Lemonade mixed with a smidgin of pulp juice before A Wu had picked me up as I knew I'd be asked to sing song in front of strangers.... Speaking of which I had a scare a couple of days ago when I went into our local supermarket and found that the alcohol section no longer contained a few bottles of Gordon's Gin or Smirnoff Vodka. Not that I'd ever bought vodka from here, but I'm partial to a little Gin and Lemonade (in the absence of Tonic) now and again. But a couple of days ago the Gin and the vodka was gone! I not only searched, but asked three separate workers where it might be, but they said it probably got removed due to lack of people buying it. What did they mean? I bought at least two bottles last year, and was about to buy my second this year. I gave it up and accepted that my only tipple this year would be the lovely Li Quan. But I had a small, sparkling hope in the back of my mind. I knew this supermarket had an alcohol section near the entrance, way after you've paid for your normal purchases. There, for at least a year now they have had on display (and probably not sold) Absolut Vodka, plus Jonny Walker whisky among other foreign booze. I dared to look again as I walked out and there they were; three perfectly formed bottles, 75cl of 43% export strength Gordon's Gin. They had gone up from 95 to 96 kuai, but I asked for a bottle and made sure I used my Nectar card when making the purchase. The devil inside me told me to buy the other two but I'm not such an alchy (although I secretly hoped they would still be there later in my stay here....).
During the time in the karaoke place I received incessant calls from the English teacher friend I'd made yesterday. I eventually had to answer one and said I wouldn't be back till very late but he kept calling. Well during that time I was taken "outside" to see the sight from the other door of our private room. In fact it was a balcony looking over what looked like a stage...where one might indeed have operas. It was rather like those expensive box seats you see in nicer theatres, except nothing was showing so it was rather dark. But I can imagine this being a great place to impress the boss when there was a show on...if you didn't like it you could go back inside and sing your own version of the song...
Finally when back at 2am in the house I sent my incessantly ringing friend an SMS (in Chinese, I proudly add) to apologise and to say I was too tired to go out now...he actually replied and just said "no problem", not that it would have been to get to sleep regardless of his response.
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