Dom, Tan, Leilei, and Xixi in China: Really the last time going back in 2019

It was strangely easier than I expected getting up at 5 and grabbing a quick shower, though annoyingly I couldn’t find my razor for a shave. Outside at the coach stop I bought some jiao zi to have as breakfast for 6 kuai which were nearly as good as the Pingguo ones, and caught the 5.45 bus and it arrived 30 minutes later at the airport, justifying my decision to go a bit later than the suggested 5.30am.

For once my check-in experience in Nanning went without a hitch, and I took the VIP security quickly, but for some reason I only had about 10 minutes in the lounge before the flight was apparently boarding. So appropriating a lemonade I went to gate 21 and indeed I was one of the last on, even though it was just gone 7.30. I managed the first half of the 1h20 minute flight like a man but then, just as the notice came on to say we were starting our final descent (were there more than one?) my innards started talking to me in a way I didn’t like. I’d managed a poo at the airport but I knew at the time it was no way enough, but I wasn’t ready for how short I would be caught.

Every minute that went past felt like an eternity. I even tested this by playing Boggle on my phone (also to get my thoughts away); I did much better than usual due to the slow seconds giving me more time to think. The only problem was some of the words that I was coming up with like “dash”, “smear”, “failed”, “faints”, “fat”, “tensed”, “tender”, “tense”, “rocks”, and “loser” (not “looser”) all seemed to take on a meaning appropriate to my situation and didn’t take my mind off it at all. I contemplated running to the loo even though they’d been closed but didn’t want to break aviation rules. I remembered how Gerard Depardieu had been arrested for weeing into a water bottle when his flight had been delayed while they were on the tarmac, and remember thinking at the time what could he have done? He wasn’t allowed to go to the loo yet the flight was still on the ground. My situation was many times worse, and not getting better.

The last 20 minutes went from agony to excruciation, and I barely noticed the turbulence. I had planned to go in the front of the plane. At least when we were allowed to stand up there was a tiny but noticeable reduction in the pressure that lasted for a couple of minutes, but it took an age before we actually started to move down the aisle, and I found that there was no toilet there. Damn, for some reason when you think there is one it’s like you’re mentally ready to go, but now I had to stop that thought. What a long walk it was in the airport scuttling past as many people as possible until I finally saw a toilet sign.

What I hoped would be relief turned to disgust when I saw the only cubicle that was open had a squatter, and not only that it was filled with brown water. I calculated that I didn’t have much time, and went in anyway. I closed the door and thought I was in the Chinese version of Trainspotting - the most disgusting loo in China. I pushed the flush thing thinking it might help the situation and instead the water level rose and came up to the floor. Oh shit! Literally. I contemplated going anyway but then thought of the consequences of splashbacks and the fact I had a 12 hour flight to negotiate. I couldn’t. I opened the door and walked out saying in a very audible voice that it was disgusting. I then had a five minute walk to baggage reclaim where eventually there was another toilet sign. The place was packed and I had to wait. Well I should have queued properly but to my shame when a door opened next to me I darted in (I didn’t feel shame at the time). Yes it was a squatter, but it wasn’t flooded and I just managed to pull down my trousers to let out the most relieving poo I think I ever will have. I even squatted there for a couple of minutes after just to enjoy the relaxation, and reminded myself that Andge finished a round of Angry Birds squatting on a loo at Waipo’s in 2009.

Revolting but I just couldn't go

I knew I hadn’t got it all out but it was enough that I could walk like a new man, almost smiling in my relief in a sort of Mr Bean manner, before picking up my checked bag, as I’d checked in the zong zi. I was in good time for the next check-in to London, and saw that it would start at 10.35. So I paid another visit to the loo and this time waited for a proper sitting one, but nothing more would come, and I hoped I hadn’t somehow constipated the rest of it up inside me somewhere. Outside, check-in numbers still hadn’t come up so I decided to ask and the woman said 65-67. Cool - I got there and waited until someone else started queuing before asking her if she was queuing for London, to which she answered in the affirmative.

But 10.35 came and went, but nothing happened until well gone 11am. This was frustrating because I knew there would be various immigration and customs to go through, and I wouldn’t have much time in the lounge despite being one of the first to check in. And indeed there were at least three queues to go through before security where they scanned my laptop bag three times, each time taking more and more stuff out until finally they found a tiny screwdriver. I explained what it was and how I needed it to tighten up the screws in my laptop, but it was one of those situations where the security person had decided she would definitely win, “win” meaning removing something from my possession, and it was to be the screwdriver, which had been through dozens of security checks (many of which in China) before. I was more annoyed at the waste of time, but at least the lounge was opposite, and the gate only 30 seconds away from that.

Yeah I expected only beer, but it was better than nothing and I helped myself to two or three as it was the afternoon now anyway. Actually maybe it was three or four as suddenly we were boarding. This didn’t take long, which gave me hope. I’d been given an aisle seat as requested and there was a space between me and the window seat occupant. Rather annoyingly the Italian male air host spoke fluent Mandarin, but I decided not to indulge him in it. When boarding was complete I asked if I may move to one of the rows with three empty seats and he said it would have to wait until we were in the air and the seatbelt signs were off. I said I guessed it was because they flight had been balanced like this and he said yes. I didn’t start the questioning as to why it would be ok to unbalance it once in the sky. I highly doubt the balancing is just for takeoff.

It was a modern 787 Dreamliner like the one I’d taken back a few weeks ago from Wuhan, but not quite as empty as that flight, so I had my concerns others might get to one of the empty rows before me. So I had my bag and headphones at the ready and the second the seatbelt sign went out I went to the middle row after the bulkhead and threw down my hoodie over two of the seats, and my bag on the other, before going for a well-needed wee. On my return I was happy to see they were still there, and I plonked myself down in the middle seat, hoping this would be a sign for anyone looking to lie down that this would not be the appropriate row.

The film selection was a bit crap, and yet again I watched 90% of a film without remembering it. Probably due to the phenergan and a couple of glasses of white wine with the meal. With that I blanketed myself up, ensuring the seatbelt was visible, and lay down until there were 1791 miles to go. I’d managed about six hours of non-stop sleep. Say what you will about having a couple of drinks, but the health of getting that much sleep surely counteracts the negative effects of the booze.

I think I even dozed off a bit more after having a tad more to eat, and the rest of the flight was relatively turb-free. It felt weird that it didn’t feel weird leaving China this time. I’ve managed it three times this year and there is a possibility of going again and more and more it feels like home from home. I was slightly naughty at T3 when arriving and picking up luggage - I walked the 10 minutes to T2 and used my card to grab a shower in the lounge, and a congratulatory couple of G&Ts, as I’d completed my 300th flight, covering 516569 miles, the longest of which was 7756 miles and, the shortest of which was 98 miles, at an average of 1728. And a carbon footprint that would make me one of the worst in the world if 90% of those weren’t for work, and therefore the footprint falls on the shoulders of my employers. I was tempted with the Christmas lunch in the lounge, but wanted to see the kids before bed. It’s been a tough year in terms of travel, with I’m guessing around a quarter of it away from home. So it’s going to be very much a family Christmas and hopefully no more travelling for at least a fortnight.