Last day, nasty flight fight

It had crept up like a shadow on a late afternoon but there was nothing we could do about it being our last day in Pingguo. Well, had it been seven years ago we could have extended our then two month stay by another month, but school and work dictated that we go home this weekend.

Tan was her normal stressed out last day self, but pretty much all was packed and we didn't have to leave till 1ish, and only then because A Xia's husband, who was taking us, had to do some stuff in Nanning - otherwise we'd have left a couple of hours later. I knew A Wu wasn't taking us back this year as his office's grand opening is Monday. I'm rather disappointed that we won't be here for that as it would be fun, but hey ho. I was more concerned that A Wu thought A Xia's husband (who is also called A Dong, like the husband of A Hua) would be able to take us all in a saloon car with all our stuff. I had told A Wu yesterday that one such car would never fit us all in but it was all "mei shi mei shi" (no problem).

I took the kids for jiao zi again and sadly recognised it would be our last such meal for a long time. Even the owner, who rarely smiles or engages in conversation smiled and talked a bit when I mentioned we were going. Well at least the kids ate a reasonable amount. On the three minute walk back home I deliberately slowed down to make it five minutes just to soak in a little more Pingguo.

Making the walk back from the jiao zi place a little longer by going the long way round

When A Dong arrived he saw what I'd been telling people for some time, that no way would we get all our stuff into even a large saloon car. But as is the wont here, a few phone calls were made and within 10 minutes a large, if rather aging Japanese people carrier turned up outside our house. Apparently it was one of Er jie's old cars. Well at least it was big enough but I couldn't help thinking we could have done away with the need for last-minute phone calls if a tiny amount of thought had been put into how to transport four people and seven weeks' worth of luggage in one vehicle.

We went to A Wu's office to say goodbye. We did the now customary western hugs with him and A Ni, and A Hua who was there too so I gave her a hug too. Then that was it. For the tenth time in my life I was leaving Pingguo. I didn't even bother taking photos this time.

We got to the airport as ridiculously early as Andge and Awl had been ridiculously late for their returns: 2.30pm for a 7.30pm flight. At least they let us check in. But not before searching my check in luggage as they'd sensed something. Yes, I'd decided to try to take back the Zippo-style lighter that A Wu had given Andge even though he doesn't smoke. I thought it would be better than leaving it in Pingguo as it is quite nice looking. But I'd left it in its gift box so when I found it and showed it to the customs woman I explained that it was a present. She took it apart, then put it back together again and lit it. She waited a few seconds and then said I could take it back. I have a feeling that a few years ago that wouldn't have happened - it would have been strict adherence to the rules. I was grateful to her for that.

It's times like these that having lounge access is really appreciated. But as soon as we were comfortably ensconced Leilei wanted to play on the ipad and Tan realised she didn't have it and we worked out Leilei had left it in the car. Bugger, we knew A Dong had matters to attend to in Nanning and Tan did not want to disturb him. Leilei was distraught and sat on a chair at the other end of the lounge refusing to sit with us but looking almost too sad to cry knowing that it was really his fault for not having it. I really felt for him and explained that there wasn't much we could do about it and sometimes things happen and we learn from them. Whatever the inconvenience it might cause A Dong I thought I'd call him anyway to see if he could make it back with the ipad. The problem was I had two A Dongs in my phone and I had no idea which to call. So I guessed and called the first one. Whoops, that number now belonged to someone completely different and I begged their pardon. For the second one it was A Hua's husband, so I said thanks for coming last night for the seafood meal but actually sorry I meant to ring someone else. Then I rang A Xia herself and mentioned about Leilei's loss in the car her husband was driving and she told me that Tan had just been on the phone to her. Tan had told Leilei that we wouldn't get it back today but I guess had had a change of mind. So I checked with her and she said yes she'd called A Dong and that if he had time he'd come back with it. And yes, at around 6pm he did come, and it had been left in the back of the car, and yes Leilei was a happy boy and yes, hopefully he has learned a lesson.

Tan improving her putting skills during the four hour wait for the plane

The flight to Beijing was ok I suppose...it's never without turbulence it seems and I guess I'm getting better at dealing with it. Thankfully, unlike with China Southern, we didn't have to pick up our luggage and re-check-in, so we found the only lounge we could get in after 10pm and had a nice bite to eat and a proper G&T before the 1.30am flight to London. The kids were ok and Tan was ok, and even the flight was ok enough that I got some sleep after the meal until half way through the 11 hour flight.

I was waiting for the loo when some rather dishevelled white man walked past me and blew a drunken raspberry, as if to emulate the vibrations of the doors of the overhead storage space. I thought nothing of it and had a wee and went back to my seat next to Leilei. A few minutes later we heard a great scream coming from two rows ahead of us. A Chinese man and his wife were punching and kicking the hell out of the drunk white man, and the woman was shouting "he touched my daughter, he touched my daughter!". Then ensuing minutes were very difficult and violent as other passengers tried to intervene and the melée spread down the aisle that split Leilei and me on the right (he was by the window) and Xixi and Tan on the left (Xixi on the aisle side). I tried to calm the Chinese man down a bit as the white bloke obviously wasn't fighting back. I couldn't tell if the Chinese man was also drunk but he was drunk with rage, as I probably would have been had the accusations of his wife been true.

Eventually, after about 20 minutes it seemed to have slightly calmed down and I was sure we were on our way to the nearest airport to make an emergency landing. The drunk was sitting at the back of the plane in that curtained off area with an attendant and the Chinese bloke in front of me was being encouraged to sit down but having none of it. Then the attendant walked up the aisle to start to talk to the Chinese man. So much for the calm...a minute later there was a scream from behind me and then the bloke sitting next to Tan leapt off his seat and jumped on the drunk man, who had got up from his seat at the back of the plane and apparently been ogling some girl a few rows behind us and was just about to jump on her. So again there was almost the same situation with people jumping on him and others jumping on them to pull them off. Most of the plane was standing up wondering what was happening, women in tears and men trying to help out but not knowing what to do. I just kept Xixi away from falling adults and told the Chinese man that enough had been done and the drunk was not worth it.

Somehow, very slowly, it became slightly less chaotic but everyone was on tenterhooks for the remaining five hours. One of the attendants came up to me later and asked me, in Chinese, to write a witness statement. I had to be honest and say I'd not actually seen the accused touch either of the girls. But Tan had and dictated her statement for me to write as she was still shaking. Apparently the man sitting beside her who jumped to grab the drunk the second time was the father of the girl about to be jumped on.

I was quite relieved that it appeared we were actually going all the way to London, though that was surely wrong with such an air rage incident. What was stranger, though, was that with half an hour to go, with the two Chinese dads of the daughters in deep discussion with one of the attendants, another attendant bought the now slightly soberer but dishevelled and black-eyed drunk over to them to shake hands. I could hardly believe it. With such accusations I can't imagine just shaking hands if it had been my daughter. This is surely a very serious criminal offence. My only reasoning was that maybe the Chinese men could theoretically have been arrested too for violent behaviour and decided against spending some time of their holiday in prison. I wonder if the police will get in contact with us about that statement - surely Air China have to report this incident.

And there it was. My kids treated to some shocking behaviour as soon as they got back to the western world. Well, that's a bit unfair...but I've never seen anything approaching such a violent incident in Pingguo, whatever the levels of booze involved. Anyway Da Yong was there waiting for us to drive us back and we appreciated being at Gatwick rather than Heathrow and drove the 45 minutes back to dump off our stuff and catch up on some well-needed rest. And that was it till the next time. I feel like I need a holiday!

Locked out at the last storm before the last supper

I woke up at 9am in the study and realised I'd better get some more kip so did so till 10.30, still feeling a bit rough for the first time in ages (at least since Beihai). Lunch was starting to become the repetitive jiao zi but my condition called for something known and benign. Once again work beckoned and that took up some of my afternoon until nearly 5 when I went to Waipo's for a meal. Although there were only Tan, Waipo and Chuan Chuan it felt important to eat there as there wouldn't be much more time for family meals. After the meal Waipo insisted in giving us more moon cakes than we could feasibly carry but after giving some to Chuan Chuan we took them home anyway and I fitted what I could into our suitcases.

My insides have been behaving themselves this year more than most. Perhaps they're finally getting used to being here. But this evening was a bit of an exception and to my horror I found that I'd blocked our toilet (not the en suite one luckily). I saw a blue contraption that looked a little like a cross between an accordion and plunger and to my delight it was the latter. It was quite an ingenious design but would it work? Yes, so efficiently in fact that I felt gratitude and the need to take a picture of it in equal measures.

An accordion plunger that did the trick

I'd agreed that Tan could get a dou jiang maker so we said we'd meet at the supermarket near Waipo's. When I got there she wasn't there and it transpired she was at a different one. I could have argued that actually the one I was at was closer but I bit my lip and got a san lun che to where she was. We spent half an hour before we decided to buy a fancy looking dou jiang mixer for 400 kuai, before she got her eyes on some other kitchenware. I wasn't so interested but had noticed the very quick change of colour of the sky outside and the suddenly loud noise of the wind against advertising hoardings. I went outside and felt the change of climate within a couple of minutes as the midnight blue closed in on my last evening in Pingguo. But then it was back to reality as we bought some mini huoguo and bbq thing for another 300 kuai and I took delight in signing my name in Chinese on the receipt.

Another dusk storm brewing up

Packing these items turned out to be harder than I imagined but I got the stuff in, including two free gift glasses with the dou jiang mixer but there wasn't any space left. I decided I'd make this my mates' night out hence sorting out the packing first. By 8pm I was mainly done so started calling them. I'd decided to go the Beihai seafood place to see my friend Huang the cook I've known for about four years now but hardly seen this year. All my mates except for Boss Hu said they'd be able to make it at 9pm or some time later.

By now there really was a storm and it looked so good I opened up one of the few remaining Moutai beers that I don't like that much (but Lu Hai gave to me) and had a good watch from the balcony. I couldn't tell if the view was better from the front or the back of the house so I decided to see if I could get to the roof. I didn't expect to as last year I tried and it was locked, but to my pleasant surprise the handle moved down and I opened the door to what would be the 18th floor. It was the perfect time before the rain came but the lightning was performing all over. I stood taking videos, as if that would be anything like the real thing, when I felt the wind start up and the first heavy raindrops. Unfortunately there was little cover from the rain, and more unfortunately as I turned towards the door I noticed that the wind got there first and closed it for me. And yes, the handle on the outside didn't budge and I was locked out. Banging on the door was fruitless, so I looked around to find what I may make use of. But I wasn't going to be abseiling down so I didn't look much further than my phone and realised as I had to go out very soon I'd have to call the missus and admit to being a bit of a wally without a brolly.

I got the expected tuts, but I expected she was smiling behind them. She said she'd come to open the door but 10 minutes later I heard or saw no sign. Then it dawned on me that the staircase I had come up must have been one of up to four others dividing the five blocks. At least there had to be a chance that one of them was not locked. I didn't really expect it but in fact the first other door I came to was indeed not a door, it was ajar, so I got in, rather wet, and wished I'd tried that before calling Tan. I took the lift to the bottom floor, got out, walked 20 yards and got in our block's door to see Chuan Chuan and the kids ready to get in the lift too. So Tan had sent her and the kids to rescue me...how embarrassing - at least it would have been had I still been up there.

I called Huang the cook to say I'd be coming over at 9pm and he was very excited. By 8.50 he called me back to ask where I was and I told him not to worry. In China, if you are the inviter you typically get there well before everyone else but as I knew this place and its boss I didn't feel the need. When I got there Huang was indeed very excited to see me and led me to a table and ordered some beer and sat down with me. I realised he was rather drunk when he kept calling me xiong di...like a close brother. He kept going on about how we were xiong di and kept shaking my hand in a rather annoying manner by curling up his index finger as he did so and clasping our hands together with his left hand. I said I was happy to be his xiong di and he asked me if I knew what it meant. Of course I did but he insisted on pointing out a table with some men on it who I knew were his friends as he'd been drinking with them when I arrived. He pointed at them and said they were not his xiong di, but I was his xiong di. I was not quite sure how to react so shook his hand in gratitude and immediately regretted it as his index knuckle once more nearly pierced my palm.

My xiong di Huang with his annoying curly index finger but charming daughter

Huang did need to get back to cooking but not before the first guests arrived. A Dong came and as he reached my table was immediately shouted at by some mates at another table and went there for the next 45 minutes. Then the bloke who used to assist Huang here at the seafood place turned up and I was quite glad as I hadn't seen him this or last year. Then every couple of minutes someone else turned up till we had to start getting new chairs to fit around the table. I ordered about four dishes and gratefully saw them gobbled up - two plates of prawns, some razor things and some fish. Lu Hai came and brought some of his own fried fish which were delicious and I ordered some greens too. Li Kun turned up with a mate, looking like he'd already had a skinful but insisted in gan bei'ing everyone there. After a little while he looked like he could barely focus and aimed his glance at the floor. I thought he was going to paint it with vomit but then he got his head up again and did a few more gan bei's and said he had a present for Awl and for me and he would definitely get it. With that he disappeared in the car with his mate.

Li Kun looking slightly like he might have had one too many and me with one too few

Jiefu turned up and I experienced one of the few times I was genuinely happy to have my Nokia N8. He had brought some of his professional photographs of Pingguo (one of which was exploded and hanging on Bak Sec Zhai's living room wall). They were on one of those old style compact flash cards that are about an inch and a half square but luckily he had a card reader. But when he realised I didn't have a laptop he was concerned. He needn't have been; I got out my mini-usb to usb cable plugged it into my phone and into his card reader cable and within seconds was copying his photos onto my phone's SD card. Oh geeky heaven! Try doing that with an iphone (it's not straightforward with an Android either).

Others were interested in the photos when I showed them on my phone and I said I'd send copies to them via QQ. But a minute later Jiefu, slightly embarrassedly, said to me privately that these were his work and were generally for sale rather than giveaway. I felt very embarrassed myself as I realised he was giving me something both unique and quite valuable, but I think everyone understood, and he said I could send out copies of one of the photos to my friends.

Pingguo by dusk by Jiefu - Bak Sec Zhai has an 8' by 2' print on his wall at home

Guang chang by day - taken from the top of our building by Jiefu...at least he didn't lock himself out

At about 11pm A Wu and A Da turned up and straight away ordered a number of plates as they were hungry, but I didn't mind as long as people ate them. However, I didn't want a late night, or a particularly boozy one. Then Ling Ming rang and asked if we were still there so I said of course he and his fiancée could come over. Then, to my complete surprise, Li Kun pulled up again (with his mate driving again) and got out and produced a gold and a red bag. Inside each bag was a tin of the same colour containing expensive tea. He said the gold one was a bit better quality and that was for Awl. I thanked him very much and genuinely look forward to seeing him again next time. But where will I put the tea?

Me, Xiao Nong (blocking Ling Ming), Jiefu, A Da, A Wu, Huang's ex-assistant, Lu Hai

By now it was gone midnight and I needed to make tracks so but I wasn't the only one; Haiwei was still feeling the effects from yesterday...he said he couldn't even remember taking me to A Wu's office last night which is a bit worrying.

I went to pay the bill and it came to 940 kuai so a tad over 100 quid. But for three and a half hours of up to 12 blokes drinking and eating quality stuff it was worth several times that. We said our annual farewells and I got into A Wu's car and started driving them back. We hadn't got 300 yards when we saw a bloke on crutches sitting at a table that I recognised from the last time Venky was around. He was some sort of boss - Tan reckons from the mafia. I stopped the car and we got out and had the usual couple of gan bei's but I insisted on getting back as it was late and I had a "matter" to attend to, as the Chinese say when they don't want to be too specific about something. Finally home at getting on for one but it was a great evening in many ways.

Food, beer, tea, and red wine

I managed another lateish getting up and felt refreshed. Much more refreshed than I would have had I woken up from Awl's text at 4.11am saying he was sipping champers as he'd been upgraded to business class when he only asked for a window seat. I'll have to remember that in the future. Then, shortly later, Haiwei called at midday to say he couldn't do lunch but invited me for an evening meal. So lunch ended up being takeaway jiao zi again which was absolutely fine by me, and I was still quite surprised that Haiwei remembered and even bothered to call me after yesterday's shenanigans.

Unfortunately, work reared its near-inevitable head and consumed my afternoon till 5pm. I shouldn't complain; this has been the first year in many I've not been able to stay the whole summer due to work commitments and it's good that you can be efficient thousands of miles away from the office and clients.

Bang on 5pm I got the call from Haiwei to say he's coming to pick me up. I managed to haggle half an hour for a shower and got picked up in his new seven seater Honda or Toyota or Mazda...I'm normally so good with car brands but these Japanese ones are looking rather homogeneous to my eyes lately...even the symbols on the front. But it was a nice motor and Haiwei, me and a friend parked in front of a newly opened restaurant not far from the Ming Dien hotel. Although it was new, it bore all the hallmarks of the other similar sized restaurants here, with its various private rooms on different floors with the one exception that it had a lift to get to them.

Haiwei paying for the meal

And one more exception was that they didn't sell Li Quan beer. I guess they are sponsored by whatever beer they are selling but we wanted Li Quan and Haiwei immediately called for the manager. A woman appeared and a case of Li Quan duly arrived five minutes later. The food was plentiful and great and I got quite stuffed and even started feeling the effects of the beer. We'd nearly finished when one of the fu wu yuan waitresses said I'd been invited to the room next door. She showed me in and there was A Dong, A Hua's husband, purple-faced with a big grin bidding me to sit down with him and eat and drink, as if I hadn't been doing that for the last hour and a half. But I felt I owed him this as last year he was on medicine and couldn't enjoy a drink with us, and I've hardly seen him this year. So we had a good bash of cai ma with him and his mates before I suggested I ought to go back to the room I'd been invited to in the first place.

Back there we finished off the last of the beers over a couple of rounds of cai ma and I did rather well, meaning Haiwei didn't. Had I thought of the consequences I may have let him win as he was driving. But anyway he paid downstairs and we got in the car and drove to a block of flats on the other side of town near Ma Laoban's house. We rang the doorbell, got in the lift to something like the 11th floor and entered a friend's house. Well, calling it a house would be generous. It was more of a bedsit, or even just a sit, with a toilet/shower, a corner for cooking and a bedroom with a balcony where the owner was sitting with two mates eating, drinking, smoking, and playing cards while his wife watched tv sitting on the bed nursing a pregnant tummy.

Haiwei's mate on the right, Haiwei on the left, and two mates in the middle, with the preggars wife in the background

I recognised the bloke from somewhere but wasn't sure where. Judging by the size of his abode he wasn't that well off but somehow Haiwei thought it important to come here to socialise with him. We sat down and the only thing I could eat was a prawn or two, and only managed a couple of gan bei's for the sake of appearances. Surely they won't be here in three months when the baby arrives?

Half an hour later we did a last round of gan bei's and said goodbye. I hoped in vain that I'd get home but no we had to go to "drink tea". I knew what that meant, and we arrived at an establishment, went upstairs to a rather pleasant room with a large table and some 12 people sitting around it drinking mainly red wine but I did see that tea was being served too. Boss Huang was there, plus two relatively large ladies I recognised from some years ago when Boss Huang opened his wood company. They were mainly a bit drunk, and of course insisted on gan bei'ing glasses of wine with me. I really didn't want it but realised my position of unofficial UK diplomat so joined in but ensured I got served tea as well so as not to imbibe so fast. It didn't quite work as one of the larger ladies poured ever-larger glasses of the plonk after every gan bei, and then downed half a glass herself in a manner that, had she done it in France, would have got her evicted from the country with her visa revoked.

"Drinking tea" - the lady reaching for a gan bei was the dangerous one. Boss Huang is on her left

I finally got a worse-for-wear Haiwei to realise I needed to get back (I probably used the kids as an excuse) so we got back in his mini-van but just as we were nearing our house we stopped at A Wu's office where he was with A Ni and a few other people....drinking red wine. Remembering my diplomatic status I had a couple to be polite but at least now I no longer required Haiwei's presence as my house was two minutes away. I politely said good evening and walked back and made the polite decision to sleep in my study now that it had been vacated by Awl as I didn't want to disturb Tan and it was getting on for 1am. I have a recollection of a dream being with the boys again but I got disturbed or something.

Eating duck feet with a friend and his wife and son in A Wu's office while trying to avoid more red wine

Eating duck feet with two other friends in A Wu's office after unsuccessfully avoiding more red wine

The art of not letting people know what is going on...

With Awl gone I now felt a bit more like the only gay in the village again. In fact, for possibly the first year ever, I haven't seen a single foreigner in Pingguo. Maybe Andge, Awl, and Venky scared them out.

I was forcing myself to stay in and doze for a bit when I got a phone call from Awl. He said he was still in Beijing but I could tell he was joking as he was calling from his UK number. But he actually was in Beijing and he was calling from his UK SIM as his Chinese credit had run out. Apparently the plane he was due to take was cancelled, and the replacement had to make an emergency landing in Russia and he needed to be in work in 14 hours. He asked if I could phone China Southern and find out what he could do as it was all a mess there. So first I bunged in some credit to his Chinese number, then called to see what we could sort out. There was nothing going to Europe from Beijing, so I asked what about Shanghai? Yes there was one to Amsterdam but the only flight to Shanghai was full and he could be put on the waiting list. In the end there was nothing to do but be sent to a hotel to wait till around 4am apparently.

Just the everyday scene of the crossroads outside our house. They stuck a traffic policeman in the middle but I don't think he's made a great difference.

By 3pm I'd barely eaten anything and called Uncle Yellow to ask when we were to go for "lunch", but he was still not sure. Haiwei then called me to see what was going on and I told him I'd be going to eat soon and did he want to come and he said yes. Then Uncle Yellow called back to say we'd be eating around 4pm now as he was working. Well actually I had work to do too so did so solidly until 5pm and decided to go to Waipo's for tea with the family. I didn't call Haiwei to let him know what was going on, or rather not going on, and realised that was quite a Chinese thing to do. Finally Uncle Yellow called and told me to come over to the cool cave when finished at Waipo's so it looked like a normal evening meal time rather than late lunch. So I called Haiwei and he said he'd pick me up after the meal he was currently having. But I got no call or lift so decided to just go to the cool cave, picking up Leilei on the way from having his hair cut with Chuan Chuan.

Many of the guys were there at the cool cave, but no Uncle Yellow. It would have been nice of him to tell me, but that's the way it often is. I didn't bother calling Haiwei back either, almost out of etiquette. Leilei and I stayed for a little while but we weren't really in the mood. Then Haiwei called and said we would go out for a meal tomorrow lunchtime. Then a tad later he called again to ask me to go for a couple of beers. I had a bit of a headache but don't have much time left here so used it as an excuse to depart and Leilei and I went to the guang chang for some bbq. Haiwei appeared a little inebriated already, and kept calling me "brother", telling me we'd eat at midday tomorrow in a way that made me unsure whether he'd remember or even be up at that time. Anyway, we stayed for 45 minutes during which time he told me he really wanted his son to learn English and go to a foreign university (not the only one) and would like me to help out of course.

Goodbye Awl, just

Up some time between 9 and 10 after a reasonable amount of sleep and decided to have a late breakfast with the kids and A Wu, as Awl was not yet out of bed (not that I checked). But at his office, A Wu was rather busy, and we ended up driving the whole 200 yards there at midday and the four of us had a nice simple meal, bringing a couple of portions back for Awl.

The kids were taken out and we were looking at which films to put on Awl's Nexus 7. We started watching Equilibrium in order to ascertain whether it was worth putting on and ended up watching the first half an hour until we realised Awl needed to go soon so he grabbed a shower and I copied over some stuff for him.

We'd already been told we had a lift to the airport with Si Ji in A Ni's car. So we got in at 2.30pm and picked up Leilei as I knew he'd appreciate the ride. Then we went and picked some other bloke up who was very important apparently. I should have known there would be more reason to go to Nanning than just taking us. Unfortunately we realised when we were going into Nanning, rather than around it, that we were dropping off the important gentleman first. This gentleman had a daughter of university age apparently, and was asking about good universities in London. It was quite a difficult conversation with new words for me like Masters and PhD and Economics. I ended up telling him I'd contact him by email and send him more info. So many people with money here want to send their offspring to study abroad - there must be money to be made there.

I asked if we needed to go to the centre and was told "no", but we ended up in the equivalent of St John's Wood on the way to Gatwick. I was not impressed and said we'd get a taxi when we dropped the important bloke off, but was told it would be no quicker, which was true looking at the map. Well it would have been true had we not pulled up alongside another black saloon car 15 minutes later to hand over some big brown envelope through the windows making it look like a very suspicious deal indeed. It was already 4.30 and we'd been told we'd be at the airport at 4pm, so we were worried now as we still had half of Nanning to negotiate. We were told not to worry as usual, the traffic was bad, and Si Ji drove as if he was as important as A Wu's X6. At one stage when the speed picked up a little, to my horror a woman in a bright orange top with a bicycle and a long sweeping brush nonchalantly walked into the middle of the first lane and cars had to turn violently to avoid this apparent suicide attempt. I shamefully said the F word with Leilei sitting next to me. As the woman stood in the middle of the lane and we went past her, prolonging her life by seconds apparently, I noticed a load of shattered glass on the road and hoped, actually realised, that this poor woman was there to clear it up without so much as a cone to stop traffic. I would like to know what her life insurance policy would cost if she had one.

It was a quarter to five now and the traffic slowed to a halt. Si Ji had been gloating a bit before when we got a little speed up saying he knew this was the best road. What he didn't know was that he couldn't predict the accident that had happened ahead, and it was nearly 5pm by the time we passed it and zig-zagged our way through the traffic for the rest of the 10k or so to the airport making it soon after 5pm. He said he knew we'd make it, but looked a little sheepish. In the airport there wasn't much of a queue, and unfortunately I couldn't get Awl into the lounge as I wasn't flying. So Leilei and I bade him farewell and that was the last of the English to leave our shores.

I had arranged to meet Uncle Yellow at 6pm on the assumption that I'd be leaving Nanning airport around 4pm. Now that was not so much up the spout as in the teacup mixing with the milk as we had yet another errand to run in Nanning, so wouldn't be taking the ring road back either. It would have been rude to say so, but if only we'd been told about this we'd have made our own leisurely way to the airport instead of watching 30 mins of Equilibrium. Si Ji parked the car and looked annoyed as the person he needed to meet was not there and wouldn't answer his phone. I'd already phoned Uncle Yellow to inform him of my impending lateness, and not wishing to wait in the car Leilei and I got out for a stroll. There's not that much opportunity to do this as typically we're with Xixi or they're with friends or family. But here in Nanning there was just us and our imaginations. I noticed a large revolving globe outside some company opposite a park and asked Leilei what was right about the writing on the globe. I suppose it wasn't obvious to him but in general English words are spelt in the American version if there is a choice. But here was written "Business Centre". I've noticed this discrepancy before and wondered if it's simply a different translation agency or if originally most English signs were in British English and gradually it became more American; until now British English was a sign of older times.

I didn't really have much time to wonder, nor really cared that much, and Leilei wanted me to take a picture of the world in his hands which I obligingly did, before the inevitable call from Si Ji to say he'd done his business (apparently picking up of some goods and putting them in the boot) and we were to go. Well we went but it took an age and a half to get out of Nanning to the fast road by which time it was gone 6.30. That makes an age about 40 minutes, but it all depends on context, and traffic jams can make 40 minutes feel like an age.

Leilei holding up the world with the help of a snooker glove

The only thing that could slow us down on the now nearly empty road to Pingguo was the weather, which it obligingly did, with another fearsome storm turning dusk into midnight blue in a minute only to light it up with the most streaking of lightning. Again, Si Ji seemed mesmerised by it which doesn't bode well for a professional driver. But it had passed by the time we finally got to Pingguo and after dropping off Leilei "no sorry you can't come with me for the meal tonight son..." I arrived 1h45m late at the cool cave where I found my friends already in good spirits and most of the food already gone. Well I did tell them not to wait for me, and like the weather, they had obliged too. But I sat down and gan bei'd with these mates, most of whom I'd ate with in the last 2-3 years, then the inevitable cai ma but I was just too full of bubbles from the beer that within 40 minutes I just had to have a rest from it. I did manage some dog though but only stayed till around 10pm as was knackered and said I'd do the kids.

Then Uncle Yellow said they'd be doing the same thing tomorrow lunchtime as they'd missed me today. I asked what time and he said from three to four. Hmmm. Well I said I'd be glad to and got a san lun che back to settle the kids and wait till Tan got back.

Pool, golf, dreadful KTV, and nice massage

A sort of lateish get-up at around 10 began Awl's last full day here. Chuan Chuan took the kids out after breakfast which left Awl and I without any particular plans and time on our side. So we decided to do what any culture-seeking young men would do in Pingguo and after having a bite to eat walked to the snooker place by the guang chang.

This time instead of using existing smelly three-finger gloves we bought new ones that we hope to use in the UK the next time we ever go to a snooker hall. Probably not a good idea to use them in a pub as their gimp-like nature may suggest something rather inappropriate. Awl had brought a little tipple with him and as by now we'd been here nearly an hour and it was gone midday (and I was eyeing a siesta) I decided to join him but found that they had no beer in the snooker hall fridge for the first time since I'd been going there the last three years. As Awl was enjoying himself on the fast table I nipped back home to replenish his supplies and to configure my own. This was not the first time my Calvin Klein cool bag had come in handy, as I managed to fit a can of Moutai beer along with some G and V ready mixed in bottles. I would have been no more than 10 mins but this time the lift took ages to come. Normally I don't mind waiting as I like the view from our floor but Awl probably didn't appreciate that.

We glove pool

But I got back via the scorching road and into the dark, air-conditioned interior where we were no longer the only people playing. We played another good hour and I mainly won but we both found it very enjoyable thanks partly to the drinks and partly that no-one was there cosseting us or asking when we'd be back or telling us to hurry up. We did leave some time after 1pm and I didn't have too much difficulty falling into a siesta.

But when I got up around 4pm I found Awl hadn't had that luxury. Fair enough he'd gone to bed earlier than me last night and had a few hours' more kip. He had cleaned up the living room though, which was very thoughtful of him, though apparently maybe slightly powered by more DVDC. We'd been invited out to a boss meal again but unfortunately Awl had some work stuff to attend to - an occupational hazard I've known more than a few times here. So I went for the meal with Huang Laoban. Wow - the table was huge and I wished Awl was around to see. I also wished Tan and/or the kids were there too. In fact just a few more people would have done. As it was, we just about had more than half the 25 seats filled. The food was great and I was pretty much the only one who opted for beer instead of wine, so stayed far more sobererer than the rest.

Boss Huang's sumptuous meal

But still unsober enough to not want to force down more beer so I excused myself, which was a lot easier given the inebriation level of my fellow diners, and went for a little walk around the hotel. It was rather quiet so I opened a few doors I shouldn't have before happening upon a room at least twice the size of the one I was dining in, resplendent with a table that I estimated must have sat 45 people around. The fake grass, covering all the top except for a perimeter defined by the reach of one's hands plus a few inches for chopsticks, made it look a little like a golf green, or rather a crazy-golf green with a feature in the middle that probably housed the hole. There were a few fu wu yuan women there and I guessed they were preparing for the morrow rather than tidying up this evening's mess as it was spotless.

A golf green come table

When I got back to boss Huang's room I was told we had to go to another boss's sing-song to celebrate the fact that he had just bought a new car (a VW Touran, black of course). I got in contact with Awl and he was now ok to come along so we picked him up, albehim slightly the worse for wear, and brought him to some KTV bar I'd never been to before. I had bad vibrations early on as while waiting downstairs there were some girls smoking (looking back that feels slightly sexist). After a few minutes we went with A Wu to some room which was filled with smoke and about 30 young men from teens to mid-twenties if that. It was a horrible state of affairs with these drunken wannabe mafioso doing lines of some crap called kai fen I think. There were two women of good looks but dubious morals that probably were there to encourage drinking but even they seemed fed up with what was going on and were sitting smoking until they saw us at which time they did a couple of gan beis.

Awl being polite to one of the two girls in the room

We had no interest in staying a moment longer than necessary so we found the main man and gan bei'd a couple of times and then made our excuses and left with A Wu. As it was Awl's last night and it was already getting on for midnight we drove to the Ming Dien hotel and ordered a lovely foot wash/massage. This is what we should have been spending more time doing here in Pingguo. It was luxurious and lovely, and 90 minutes for 70 kuai each and I was happy to pay for all. Awl went for a venture to see what shouldn't be seen on the 12th floor and I did pop up to see if he was going to stay or come back. In the end I left him there as I had no matter there, and got a san lun che back home. 15 minutes later I got a call from him and he'd come back too, driven by A Wu. It was getting on for 2am so no further merriment was made, and I tried not to wake up Tan as I retired for the night, a good deal sobererer than I could have been.

Awl back

Up at a very reasonable 8.30am to find a message on my phone to say that Awl was also already up. But at least this time he'd not been up all night and gone mountain-hiking at 7am. But he was hungry and we agreed to try to find "dang bing", which was his favourite breakfast while living in Taiwan. Well we went to our local breakfast place and although they understood what we meant they didn't do that, and neither did any other place in Pingguo apparently. They do do eggy pancakes, which are perfect for me, but not in the style Awl likes unfortunately. So we got some great dumplings instead which were to both Awl and my tastes and brought loads back for Tan, Chuan Chuan and the kids.

The rest of the daytime was not particularly cultural but was good as Awl had some time to relax and read a book and I spent some time with the family. Then I heard from Tan that Xiao Pan had invited us all to a meal that evening. Thankfully Awl was feeling a lot better than yesterday and was happy to come.
Awl and I went to A Wu's office in good time but he said he had to finish some work, so when he seemed to really be finished (and after Tan had called me four times) I said I would drive and got the keys and did so. I chose a route that A Wu had a go at me about until he realised that I'd actually made a shortcut, after which he actually appreciated that I was driving.

I was very happy to hear that Lao Pan and her husband had invited us to "Shui shang ren jia" because I've been here before once or twice but never for a full meal. It is just a big boat permanently moared to the side of the You Jiang river running past Pingguo.

Tan gan bei'ing with a friend/ex-colleague

There were two tables which were generally split between men and women/children, and it this was very appropriate as the conversations were split appropriately too. As was the cigarette smoke. Awl was lively and it was great to see him as a part of the conversations and inviting gan bei's from the locals. This was really one of my favourite moments...and I'm glad Awl was there...it was simply friends eating and drinking together. We might have been continents apart but we all joined in with a couple of glasses of whatever and it felt really nice.

We had fun getting the kids back as it was raining, so the people from the restaurant gave us boxes of beer to put over the kids even though it was only a few seconds to A Wu's car. But it was quite good fun.

Umbeerellas

Chuan Chuan was there to majestically get them to sleep. We appreciated that so much as Tan got a shower and Awl and I put on the football. As I had Tan's laptop and my work one I put on the Man City and Spurs games. I felt sick to the stomach to see us lose to Cardiff 3-2 but took heart in the fact that we were by far the better team and were undone by a couple of corners. Replay that game any time and we'd win 90% of the time. But Spurs won ok and then Awl annoyingly went on about how we bought the title which meant I knew he was pissed.

We started to watch the last day of the Test but eventually Tan came back at around 1.45. She had had a right go at me about getting back after 1am before and how I should stay in a hotel so I was slightly annoyed but decided against having a go at her as I am too nice.

By 1am Awl had already gone to bed and I got a shower not long after so as Tan was back I started watching the cricket again. There were only something like 10 overs to go and it was well exciting so texted Awl to say I was going to watch in the living room. And then with four overs to go the match was stopped for bad light and therefore England limped over the winning line to win the Ashes but it was not the way it should have been. Still, even so I'd watched some history.

Back in Pingguo

Ah what bliss to wake up in Pingguo at a reasonable hour. There were no foreign devils so I got Tan and me some breakfast and we had a lovely morning in together. I knew Awl was planning to be on the morning train from Beihai to Nanning but somehow didn't think he'd make it as I got drunken texts from Venky last night saying they were in some Dutch bar drinking G&Ts and somehow trying to make me jealous.

Well I wasn't jealous but I was slightly surprised to get a call from Awl mid-morning to say he was on the train to Nanning. I'd worked out which train he'd get to Pingguo so knew it would be mid-afternoon and that he'd appreciate a pre-mixed DVDC. But it was lunchtime first, and I thought I'd go for a simple meal by myself. However, I noticed A Wu's car outside his office and as I'd been away I thought at least I could see if he wanted to eat with me.

It ended up spending the best part of an hour in his office and then him insisting we'd go to his new house that was in the process of being decorated. Well although I fancied a siesta I put that thought to sleep and went to his new place. I can't believe it's taken so long for them to get a proper place to live. For someone with two mines and a BMW X6, to be living in a two bedroom tiny flat with cracked floors and walls for 500 kuai a month seems ridiculous. But their new place is pretty nice - on the 17th of 18 floors with a nice living room although only two bedrooms. I can't help preferring our place as it's much more central and has the extra rooms.

A Wu trying to pretend he had me by the leash at his new house that will soon be liveable in

But suitably impressed, we went to eat and I was impressed that he took my advice of going to my local dumpling place where I often take the kids, and where And and Awl have also expressed their appreciativeness of. We got there and had a portion of jiao zi each and then he ordered another couple as they were that good. I've been coming here for two or three years now and I like to think of myself as one of their best customers (albeit only during summer), as I've introduced many locals here. I'm sure the boss does appreciate it but she rarely shows it to me.

Although it was around 2pm and later than planned I still managed a minor siesta. Wonderful. Then I got a call from Awl to say his train had been delayed. There was not much I could do but at least it gave me a bit of time to get his booze after a bit more shuteye, and carefully packed it into the Calvin Klein cooler bag along with a slightly naughty gin in an old lemonade bottle. I took a san lun che to the station for about 5 kuai and while waiting for his train bought a small bottle of lemonade and added the contents of the gin so I would have something to share with Awl should it be appropriate.

There were loads of san lun che drivers waiting by the arrivals gate, and I thought they'd be fighting for customers by the time the train arrived, but it appeared not so at all. In fact when Awl arrived I was near the front and the driver that said he'd take us got positively friendly comments from the other drivers. I could not make this out at all. If you're waiting to take people in your taxi surely you'd be a bit more concerned about being in the front of the queue to get people?

Well we got to our san lun che with the driver bloke and waited for Awl to get himself a DVDC while I also helped myself to a G&L in order to be with him. We drove straight back to our place as he had his stuff and was knackered and intended for him to get a wash before going out for a nice boss meal. But a few minutes later he ran to the loo and had a moment of Delhi Belly which rendered him not in the mood for going out. As he had his nexus pad and our internet connection I had no problem leaving him to convalesce a bit, although would have preferred him to come out for a sumptuous meal.

I don't remember the context of this photo but I think I was trying to get the kids ready for bed and this was probably some exorbitant excuse not to. It nearly worked.

Goodbye to Beihai

I somehow managed to get up at 9.30. It may have been something to do with Awl's description of the breakfast here so I got downstairs and in this case I do agree with him. English breakfast is and always will be the best. You don't have to go for the full monty but eggs and bacon are perfect. Luckily Awl had already been and gone so he didn't see me indulge in western indulgences. I also had a load of watermelon and honey melon which I suppose was healthy too.

Andge and I had to get the midday train out of here to Nanning as his flight was at 6.30pm and we were hoping to meet Tan and the kids who had gone to Nanning yesterday in order to go to some kids water theme park in lieu of coming to Beihai. We got the cab to the train station but after a nightmare queue where suddenly the Chinese cease to see you as a foreigner and treat you as any other we found out that there were no seats on the train, nor any tickets. If only they showed this on the displays...and the same was for the next train an hour later so we had no means of getting to Nanning we thought. But not for long - as we walked out of the station forlorn and wondering if we'd need another expensive cab some bloke came up to us telling us it was 60 kuai to take a bus to Nanning. We didn't look a gift horse in the mouth and despite it being twice the price of the non-available train we agreed and found ourselves on a small walk to a "bread van" car that fitted about eight people.

Thankfully that wasn't the bus to take us to Nanning. It merely took us to an ageing coach a few minutes away. So without much of a choice we dumped our stuff underneath and waited around 20 minutes till a few more people arrived and the coach was full. I wished I'd gone for a poo when we finally set off but I buckled up and Andge tried to too but he didn't have a buckle. So he tied his belt and hoped we wouldn't crash and be suspended upside down, and be unable to undo himself.

Andge trying to get out of his seat at the service station

The journey was a bit crap as the back-right wheel seemed to be under-suspended so the whole journey felt like we were lob-siding from back-right to front-left. But we made up for it with erudite conversation and shared our observations of China. We observed how the marvels of the closeness of family and quality of food compared with stuff that seems so crap to us like pavements that just end in a non-walkable area or magnificent buildings that just outside have dreadful plumbing. It's not that it's better or worse than the UK, but so so different. And you wonder if they really want to impress westerners or not, and if so why they don't just employ some consultants. I would be literally perfect for the job and would advise without insult, suggest rather than order.

But there were some other things we'd both noticed and remarked upon too. Awareness. Driving is something I've commented on dozens of times. I really like it from the perspective of someone crossing roads and also from someone driving. But I wonder if it extends further than beyond the steering wheel. Awareness literally seems to extend to the angle one sees. During the three hour plus drive we talked about this too and agreed that it seems that awareness, while driving, is applied to only what you can see in front of you. If anything is beside or behind you then the onus is on them to tell you if you are doing something untoward. Yes it may seem backward to a westerner (and it still does to me), but there is a logic to it and it works if everyone else does the same. But still to be oblivious of most of the traffic around you seems strange to me still after 10 years.

Not too long before we got to Nanning we passed by a mega sports centre...it was Wembley-like huge and we had no idea what team it must have housed but you got the impression it must have been important. But that was not our worry. I called A Wu and told him we were getting into Nanning but it seemed pretty slow. He didn't seem to hark my words and just said that when we arrived we were to find a taxi and go to his office, and apparently Tan and the kids would be there, which we'd both been hoping for. But then I realised I'd just spoken to Tan and she was very agitated as they were on their way back to Pingguo in A Xia's car and it had taken them an hour to get out of Nanning and now the kids were asleep...at least it wasn't my fault I think.

By the time we alighted at Nanning's train station we already were aware that going to A Wu's office would be a bad idea as it was already nearly 4pm. The airport is well south of Nanning and as it was an international flight we wanted to be in time. So I called A Wu and he said he'd be there in 10 minutes to pick us up. We were just off the bus and a few young ladies walked past us and insisted on taking their pictures with us. I actually rather enjoyed it as for the last few years it's been the kids who have been the focal point of literally hundreds of unknown Guangxi folk. Even an older woman, who had been sitting with her motorbike, decided she wanted her picture taken with us too, so introduced herself and got some pics on her phone. We were ruminating on this, and also on how so many cars thought it would be feasible to go down the underground car park against the "No Entry" sign, when we realised we really were in danger of missing the plane.

I called up A Wu again and he said he was 5 minutes away, but it was already 20 minutes and he should have been there 10 mins ago. I joked that he probably had stopped to buy presents, but I feared my joke was not one. We were really fretting by 4pm and all attempts to call A Wu went to a message to say he was taking a call at the time. Blimey, can't they do voicemail or calls on hold? We ended up getting in touch eventually to be told he'd already arrived, as we'd said we were getting a taxi. But he did arrive a couple of minutes later with A Ni in the back seat and loads of stuff in the boot. But we managed to rearrange everything before Andge was offered 400 fags he hasn't smoked for four years and a nice lighter he wanted but said couldn't take due to customs reasons.

Well we did get to the airport at just gone 5pm and there wasn't a great queue. So it was goodbye to Andge till the next time, and then we made the journey back to Pingguo. On the way the skies turned a deep blue and we were treated to yet another amazing lightning masterpiece that worryingly kept si ji's eyes more upwards than on the road.

Instead of going home to see the family we went straight to Bo Hai, the restaurant that specialises in goose, and had a rather nice meal in a private room with Lu Wen. The only strange thing was that they'd run out of just about every type of green vegetable - I suppose that's what happens when you roll up at 7.30pm without having booked.

Still not having seen the kids, A Wu and I went on to a massage place. I would have resisted going but my back has not been getting any better since my table tennis injury and it can be really painful just getting into and out of a car. Well the massage was sort of professional and included extreme pain but significant comfort too as she applied pressure to the point at the bottom left of my spine as well as everywhere else. But when I got up I knew nothing had really changed so I got my shoes on, woke up a snoring A Wu on the bed next to me and got driven to the bbq place to pick up some fried noodles for Tan before getting home and seeing the kids before a relatively early night.

V

Breakfast was included and went from 6-10am but even that didn't coerce me from my slumbers in the comfortable hotel bed. Why does it not seem possible to get such beds for our house? I dare say they're a bit more expensive but all the beds I've seen in Guangxi houses are fairly hard and to my western back rather uncomfortable. I suppose it may be something to do with the heat but if I have the cash in the future I'll certainly look at upgrading our Pingguo bed, or mattress at least.

The plan was to go to the beach, but when I finally got up at midday I checked my work email and found I had some stuff to do including sending an email in Chinese. So as the boys headed out in the midday sun I worked on that for a couple of hours before doing something I haven't done for months and poured myself a bath. As it was a holiday, and undoubtedly they were doing so already, I opened a cold can of Li Quan that I'd put in the minibar fridge, perched the laptop at one end of the bath, rolled up a towel and put it under my head at the other end, then started watching an episode of Big Bang Theory. I got seven and a half minutes into it, and not even a sip into my beer before Andge came in and I had to shout at him not to come into the bathroom as there was no lock.

Unfortunately he was covered in sand and needed a shower so that was my luxurious moment over for the day. I wonder if seven and a half minutes is actually the definition of a moment. I won't look it up but instead pretend it is.

I went to the supermarket that was closed last night by myself to see what I could see. It was quite a normal place at first, with far too many female assistants, who were embarrassed that they had sold out of nail clippers for me. But I got lots of compliments on my Chinese and I knew it wasn't because they were trying to sell me stuff because they weren't, simply "ni de zhong wen hen biao zhun!". I did pick up some peanuts covered with some hard shell that was supposedly a speciality of Beihai, and then walked into another section of the supermarket where I had to leave what I'd already picked up. The way this section of the supermarket was laid out was clearly zig-zagging through literally every single aisle so you could not fail to walk past everything for sale. That may sound like a good idea but it takes you forever and if you were in a hurry you would be well annoyed. Another thing to slow you down was the two to five assistants sitting at every corner. As you got within about 10 feet of them they would rise automatically and start talking to you and be delighted when you replied in Chinese. But it was also very like a computer game where proximity triggered the approach of new baddies you had to kill, except here their weapons were their smiles.

After zig-zagging for 10 minutes or so, having talked to dozens of women en-route, I happened across Andge and Awl coming from the other direction smiling and telling me I'd started from the back and would have to retrace all my steps. Oh well, that wasn't the worst thing in the world and we walked back and I picked up a 23 kuai back massager/vibrator that also plugged in to a USB port, plus a dodgy 80's picture that was either a tiger or a semi-naked woman depending on the angle you looked at it. I have no idea what I will do with it. Back at the "normal" section of the supermarket we bumped into Venky. We ended up getting a couple of cold beers and Coke 0 as well but as we were exiting, open beers in hand, I noticed an oyster stall where there was a sign saying "10 kuai". I had to investigate and apparently you paid 10 kuai and chose an oyster. The young girl would then prise it open with a knife and if there was a pearl there you could keep it. So I pulled out a 10 kuai note immediately and pointed out a rather demure looking oyster sitting near the edge of the aquarium. The girl prised away its life to reveal nothing but flesh inside. I wasn't quite inconsolable but she must have taken pity as she let me have another go for free. This time I closed my eyes before choosing and this time when she killed the poor oyster it revealed a tiny pearl maybe a 1/4 inch in diameter. And I was allowed to keep it? Yes! Andge immediately called foul and suggested (in English) that they had been pre-planted and weren't in fact real pearls. I wanted to argue but didn't have the heart to ask the young girl running the place.

Then Venky had a go and missed with his first and second choices...but the girl let him have a third go and when he finally got his own pearl and I realised either Andge was 100% correct or pearls are as common as muck. To be fair the girl did "prove" the pearl by asking us to scratch the glass of the counter with it. I couldn't tell if it really was a scratch or just bits of the pearl coming off on the glass and I didn't try to wipe it off.

In my excitement I may have dropped my oyster...

...but it was worth it as eventually I got my own pearl

On the way back to the hotel I picked up a set of nail clippers that usefully doubled as a bottle opener at a local shop, while Venky happened upon the good idea of going to the supposed English bar opposite to see if they had vodka for sale. I wasn't too bothered so left them to it and went back to the hotel room. A few minutes later they were back triumphant with a bottle of Smirnoff they'd bought from the "William Shakespeare" bar for about 180 kuai and invited me for an aperitif. We were peckish and had decided to try the hotel's own all-you-can-eat buffet for 200 kuai a person as it was our last night, so we went down at 6pm to find out it didn't start till 6.30 so Venky and I had a quick game of table tennis before going back for another aperitif. We ended up at the buffet rather later than 6.30 but there was plenty of food and there were plenty of people to eat it. Awl went for the westernmost food he could find just to rile me and after some turtle soup and prawns and sumptious other stuff I did actually manage a small steak but it had been marinated in Chinese style sauce so it was ok, plus I cut it up and ate it with chopsticks. They are now having a go at me for the slightest thing I do that could be considered western.

We were a bit stuffed afterwards so set upstairs for a digestif in the form of a small JD. Then I had the good idea of going for a swim but first I went on the search for a ball to play with in the water. I searched every shop within walking distance for a good half an hour and sadly came back with nothing. So I went down and swam a few lengths and talked to some locals until Andge came down. He asked how big a ball would be fun, which I thought was a weird question, and I said even a tennis ball would be great. Then he wondrously pointed in the direction of his towel which was covering a 4" wide yellow nipple ball he'd bought for Thomas. He made me promise I wouldn't hoof it over into the street, but then realised it's at least twice the fun being in a swimming pool with a ball to play with. We threw it around with some of the Chinese kids there and generally had a ball.

Venky came down a little later but it was getting towards 10pm so we had to leave. Awl and Venky faffed about ordering a further night here and then, uninspiringly, we went to the "William Shakespeare" but at least the English owner wasn't around. We ordered another bottle of vodka but they only had some dodgy Russian brand no-one had heard of. Still, with Coke 0 or lemonade it was ok. Our cultural experience in Beihai extended to playing darts and Venky and I having a pint of German lager in place of more V. I explored one of the private rooms and found it had filthy Europop videos on it, although somehow it attracted the others.

I don't understand the charms of Christina Aguilera or whoever when you are in Guangxi..

Although I spoke to some Chinese there and did a bit of cai ma I left around 12.30 for a bit of bbq at the same place as yesterday. Again I met some people and cai ma'd and probably didn't pay. The boys came out of the bar a bit later and found me and admonished me for not being with ladies, and after a few minutes we went back to the hotel at a reasonablish hour. Well 2am was reasonable but somehow we found ourselves in Awl's room helping him finish his V and take some photos as men all seem to descend to at such times. Finally got to bed at 3.30am.

If the picture had been taken from the other angle the tiger would have been a semi-naked woman - about the only sexotypical thing about this picture...

....but we did it again just for good measure

First night in Beihai

Got up somehow at 8am after 3 hours' sleep, which didn't bode well. I called Awl fearing he'd just gone to sleep but he was up ok too. I realised I should pack so sorted out a few clothes and grabbed a shower at 9.30 after which time Andge still hadn't stirred. I poked my head into his room and he told me it was ok he had an alarm, which he found out he forgot to set when I called him again at 9.50.

The taxi arrived at 10.10 outside our block. There was a bit of faffing about but the four of us plus the driver left Pingguo around 10.30, then stopped to get some petrol and bought some nibbles and beer from the petrol station. Venky had thoughtfully brought a couple of cans of Li Quan from his hotel room but they were already room temperature of a room without air conditioning.

The car was a medium-sized saloon but it was air conditioned and I got the front seat for the first stint. We played Tell Me for longer than most middle-aged men would normally, and the highlight was Venky's immediate response to "A type of flower" beginning with "S". "Self-raising" - genius! I noted it was 11am and Venky somehow knew that meant it was time to open a cold one. Luckily I'd been quite good last night so it didn't feel wrong to join him and it was a holiday after all. Andge and Awl were a bit more restrained, but the latter maybe only because we didn't have any DVDC.

Breakfast

We stopped after maybe two hours of the three and a half hour drive for more provisions and as a consequence of a couple of beers. Yes, only two small cans of weak beer each in two hours. For some reason the boys thought it was amusing to watch me exercise on those machines designed for exercising and stretching on. Blooming westerners. I also got a call from an angry Tan. She had planned to come down to Beihai tomorrow with a couple of families but now A Wu couldn't make it or something. I knew how she felt, being somewhat at the beck and call of him, so I told her just to get a bus or even a taxi. But she wasn't in the mood for solutions (as women so rarely are when flustered, even though it's apparently a lack of solution that causes the said flusteredness). So I let it be and just said if she could make it down it would be great.

I don't see what's funny about exercising normally

A sobering reminder about what might happen if you don't drive carefully (or someone else doesn't)

I slipped once due to the rain and my bad leg made it difficult to get up...but it's ok I have friends....

We actually got to Beihai around 3.30pm. It felt much longer sitting in the back of the car squashed between Andge and Awl during the second stint. We were pretty lost and my GPS wasn't tracking well and I had to keep rebooting my phone, which was very frustrating. So we pulled up at some girls selling swim-ring things for the sea and asked them for directions. We weren't actually that far and they pointed us in the right direction but even they wouldn't accept a few kuai for their efforts.

The Golden Shining hotel was pretty nice and luxurious by many standards and as soon as we'd got comfortable the nice storm that had been brewing up came to a boil with a delightful dark rainstorm. When it had subsided we had a minor swig of the bottle of JD I had thoughtfully brought along, and went down to the swimming pool. Awl and Venky were already in and despite my fears the water was a rather welcoming temperature. I only wished for a ball to play with. I decided to ask the female pool attendant if we could still swim if it rained. This caused a longish conversation where I tried to establish whether we could or not. Apparently when it rains the pool can get dirty due to leaves and stuff coming in. But surely that is only if the rain is accompanied by high winds? Anyway I didn't get a straight answer which was just as well as I wasn't expecting one. I just enjoyed the fact that we were properly on holiday and did a few lengths before grabbing a shower and heading back upstairs to change to evening wear.

Half way through my transformation

The boys were more like girls when we met by the back door of the hotel to go to town. No sooner did Andge see me in my long trousers than he turned around and headed to our room again to change into long trousers. Then Awl did the same five minutes later. Then even Venky decided to go back to his room and put on long trousers. Finally around 20 minutes later we all walked outside together and realised it was about 35 degrees so I took advantage of my thoughtfulness and rolled up my trousers to be shorts as they are designed to do, and took off my socks and put them in my handy pocket, while the others looked forward to a night of sweating.

We got a taxi to the centre of town for a rather steep 25 kuai. We walked around for a bit and I was quite happy not to see a single westerner other than my cohorts. We were rather peckish but Andge and Awl decided they would wind me up by looking for a MacDonalds. In truth we'd been dropped off at a not very touristy point so we grabbed a san lun che for four and told the woman to drive us to the nearest Maccy D's (to my shame). 10 kuai later we were dropped off at the town square and Andge and Awl's eyes lit up when they saw their golden arches. And they did. They entered with gusto and ordered a big mac and fries or something so awful. Damn, I was so hungry I almost wanted the same but Venky and I wandered on until we found a reasonable looking street market where we got some buckets of noodles and Li Quan beer. Ok the others may not have been jealous but we had all the waitresses taking pictures of us with them and got offered a free non-alcoholic drink (which we didn't take advantage of).

Four men in a san lun che in Beihai

One of the copious pics we had with the ladies of the night eat place - it rather suits me...

We got a call from Andge as we were finishing off our meal. Awl and he hadn't managed to find a supermarket with DC or V and it was getting late. I made some enquiries and it turned out there was a supermarket 2 mins from us. So we met them there and despite an abundance of Coke 0 there was indeed no vodak. Strange that Pingguo had plenty of V but this place, more accommodating to foreigners you might have thought, didn't. So we didn't buy anything and got a cab back to the hotel as apparently there was a huge supermarket next to it. Well there was but it was closed.

It was gone 10pm and too late to get a cab back into town for Awl's indulgences so we sat for a drink at the hotel bar area. Andge ordered three G&Ts but as I was walking past I noticed how pitiful the measures were, literally half a pre- 25ml measure (half a gil?). Our hearts collectively sank until we discovered that we could buy a bottle of Stolichnaya for about 110 kuai. But then we were told they had no bottles of vodka. We weren't impressed and asked them if we ordered a glass of vodka and Coke could they do it and they said yes. So we asked what would they pour the vodka from and they realised they would have to answer "a bottle". Then it emerged they didn't actually have any vodka. By this stage we were getting a little bit annoyed, though remained professional. We looked through the menu and found Absolut vodka for nearly three times the price of Stolichnaya and said what about that? Then they said they had some flavoured version upstairs. Blimey ok, so we ordered a bottle but said we wanted unflavoured. And so apparently they did have the normal version. Which would have been great only they didn't have Coke 0 for Awl. To make matters worse we then realised that the "tonic" they'd supplied with our near-homoeopathic gin was actually soda water. So we said we'd take more soda water to mix with the Absolut but then realised that that was the last of the soda water too! No Stolichnaya, no tonic, no soda water, no bloody idea.

There were a few small shops outside and I took Awl out in the vaguest hope of finding a mixer that didn't have sugar. I would have had more hope in Pingguo. The first shop we hit was a typical small place that sold many things that might have been useful at another hour of the day. But for some reason, in the same way as Awl's eyes had radared on soda water just a few days ago in Pingguo, the cornea of my left eye sort of recognised a bottle of Pepsi Max, though I've never bought one before. I told Awl what I saw and we inched toward the bottle. It was! It was a bottle of Pepsi Max no sugar! And not only that there were three of them. And moreover Awl found one single cold bottle of the same in the fridge. The shopkeeper looked at us as if we were properly insane, and couldn't help but tell us that no-one bought that. I didn't have the heart to ask her why she kept some bottles on display and in the fridge then. But we walked back to the hotel happy men.

Well I had a couple of vodka and lemonades in order to preserve Awl's Pepsi Max, but on the third I was already feeling the effects. So as the boys were ordering a second bottle (this time lemon flavoured as that was all that was left) I went for a walk outside. I sensed a bbq place across the road and was actually a little hungry. I sat at a table by myself and ordered five portions of beef, but while waiting introduced myself to a neighbouring table and ended up staying there for two hours playing cai ma and drinking some beer. I loved the beer glasses, which were much bigger than Pingguo ones, and contained some sort of gel that was frozen between two layers of plastic in order to keep the beer cold. I felt like a right tourist when asked to have a couple and the owner charged me 80 kuai for two of them. It was a bit of a rip-off but I hadn't paid for my food and really really wanted to bring them back. As I was about to leave at around 2am I got a call from Andge who was hungry so I bought a couple of portions of rice and stuff. As I left the table to go back to the hotel who should stumble into me but Venky in his bloody shades again. That dipstick was probably out on the pull but we went back to the hotel together where I got to my room and ate some rice with Andge while apparently going on a little too much about the amazing beer glasses. Sleep came easily after 19 hours awake with these boys....