The last table tennis and the last supper

Somehow I'd stayed up later than I thought last night, but still awoke after four hours' sleep at 7am. I decided it could take too long to get back to sleep, and although I didn't feel like it I logicked myself into getting some sports clothes on and forced myself to go to the old people's leisure centre.

It was one of those decisions that you know you will not regret as nothing, short of being struck by lightning on a 12mph moped, could go wrong. I met some of my old friends, probably for the last time this year, and started to feel better as I sweated out what was within. Mr Happy saw me practising with some people and made it his turn. It was like a cat playing with a mouse at first, but this mouse turned. I started smashing his horribly spinny serves and sometimes they got back and he couldn't return them. It made me feel great, but it made him laugh even more - so much more he really did look like a Mr Man. Had I found his Archille's heal? Apparently not, as he challenged me to first to three games and won 3-0, but he nearly had a fit when I performed my reverse-spin-chop serve that he returned almost to the neighbouring table. Tan says that serve is illegal. She is wrong.

I was getting into my swing as I hadn't played for over a month, but not going all out on the smashes as I didn't want to kill my back a couple of days before a 12 hour plane ride. I lost 3-0 to the next bloke too, but was gaining in points and confidence. When the next bloke challenged me I was really up for it, and used my back hand smashes to great effect to win the first game by a few points. I won the second by even more and I started having dreams of victory. But then reality struck better than my ability regarding the ball and I lost the next game. So I pulled what little resources I had left and focused on the next game and reaped the benefits of a more disciplined approach of playing to my opponent's weaknesses and won. 3-1 yeah, and he wasn't even playing with his weaker hand!

After that a bloke named Zhang came up and started practising with me and I was grateful I could rest on my tiny laurels and not have to play competitively again. He'd given me his phone number last month and I'd said I'd call him to go for a beer. He mentioned it again and I said I'd call him this evening.

I got home and showered and before I knew it it was midday. I should have just bought some jiao zi and had them at home and slept for four hours but instead I walked outside to take in the sun. I called Haiwei to see if he wanted a bite to eat but he was out of town and said he'd call me back in a couple of minutes when he'd be back so I went to A Wu's office to wait. A Ni and A Da were there - A Da gave me a hug as he often does for some reason - I fear it's because he doesn't get that much affection normally. I waited for a good 10 minutes before Haiwei rang to tell me to meet him in his office in a minute. Of course when I got there two minutes later he wasn't there so I went to the supermarket to check if my gin had been delivered but unsurprisingly it hadn't.

The view from the lift again - it's not much but I'll miss it sorely

I got back to the office as Haiwei arrived and of course instead of going to eat we sat down and drank tea for a bit. Eventually at 1pm we drove to a place I hadn't been to before, a couple of doors away from A Wu's massage place. There were four of us and we had a pretty decent lunch with just a few beers for Haiwei and me. When we finished I said I'd pay as I had called Haiwei and after hearing nothing of it he eventually gave way. 270 kuai was not the cheapest for four people but we were well stuffed. I was slightly saddened by the food hygiene notice that was displayed, as all such establishments apparently have to show. They had only achieved "Fair", which was the lowest of the three possible categories.

I really tried to get to sleep when I got back, and may have managed 15 minutes but for some reason it wasn't happening. I think it was my body or brain telling me I should stay awake to take in everything I could until we leave the day after tomorrow.

I was now peeling like a shedding snake after my time on the beach a couple of days ago and when I got up from my tiny nap I left a disgusting human-shaped mass of dead skin on the bed. Tan had had the good idea of me going for an oily massage to help get rid of it. She also said I'd be able to sleep there, which was appealing (haha). So I took the dian dong che at around 3.30pm and just before I arrived decided to pick up a quick can of Li Quan from the restaurant where I'd eaten just a couple of hours before. I sort of regretted it straight away as I didn't want to drink it outside looking like a wally, and didn't want to enter the massage place with it in my hand. So I stuck it in my pocket and hoped they wouldn't think I was too excited.

There were many smiles as I walked in, and I don't think it was because of my pocket, but more out of recognition that I was here again, and by myself. I explained about my exposure to the sun and that I'd like to have an oily massage in a way that had I done in the UK I'd have expected something different. I was led upstairs to a lovely room and told to wait for a bit and put on the massage pyjamas and take a shower if I wanted. That was it, my opportunity to get rid of the beer. But in fact I did manage to finish it in a few glugs in the shower and it went down better than I thought. Being typically British I crushed the can and put it back in my trouser pocket so they wouldn't know.

The masseuse sounded mortified when she saw my naked back and kept asking if it hurt when she rubbed me, but in fact it was lovely with the oil. She went rather too low on my buttocks for my comfort, not that it was not comfortable, rather it was too comfortable. Then, when she told me to move onto my back I was rather embarrassed. I had to put a few folds in the towel above my loin area so as to disguise any potential excitement that might have occurred. Whether or not she noticed anything, she went ahead professionally and did the stomach massaging and all. When the hour was up I was so comfortable and she said I could stay and sleep. I nearly did but I noticed then the globules of fatty substance beside me on the couch and realised they were rolled up bits of my skin and that this must have been coming off in her hands for the last hour. Luckily, due to the downed beer in the shower I didn't care as much as I might have, and managed half an hour of on-and-off dozing before getting my clothes on as I knew I had things to do on my penultimate Pingguo pm.

Back home I nearly fell asleep again but I knew I had to call Zhang, and then go our for my annual lads' night out at the Beihai seafood place. So at 6.15 I called Mr Zhang and he told me to meet him outside his block by the guang chang. This I did five minutes later and he got on my dian dong che and we drove to one of the evening eat places opposite Waipo's place. He wasn't exactly sure where to go as he was meeting a friend himself who wasn't answering his phone, so we sat down at a table and ordered two bottles of beer. By the time we'd finished one his mate answered the phone and explained where he was, so we quickly finished off the second bottle and paid 14 kuai for the two which I thought was quite pricey, then drove off.

As luck would have it Zhang's mate was waiting at the Beihai seafood place where I was planning on being this evening anyway. His mate was there with his son, and I found out both Zhang and his mate were northerners who had come to Pingguo in the early 90s. Interestingly, they had spent time in Saudi Arabia, Kazakhstan, and Pakistan among other places, and I understood they were in the railway business as engineers.

We had a nice couple of beers, but as I said I was expecting to stay on to see friends later on this evening, they didn't ask me to drink too much. In fact they both drank a glass of medicine alcohol, and it made me think of our conversation this morning when I was saying it's ok to have a couple of drinks now and again as long as you are active. He vehemently agreed but said that smoking is definitely a no-no, even though most people play table tennis better than him and smoke like chimneys. Well after speaking a few sentences of English for the mate's son, they both said they needed to go at around 8ish, so I gan bei'd and wished them so long.

A Wu had said he'd be back from Nanning before 8pm and wanted to eat with me so I rang him up and he arrived just as he answered. That was good as there was still some nice seafood on my table so he agreed with me that we should not waste it and polished the plates off. I'd called my mates and all with the exception of Lu Hai, whose phone was off, agreed to come. The night transpired to be great, just as such evenings in the past. I was happy that Jiefu could come as I hadn't seen him this year, and he also brought some cool aeriel photos of Pingguo from some drone remote-controlled aircraft.

Looking directly over the guang chang

A 30 second exposure a bit outside of the centre of Pingguo

Our block is on the left, the guang chang on the right

Another bloke I hadn't seen this year was Boss Hu. He's now a big buddy of A Wu (thanks to my matchmaking skills from four years ago), and arrived a little the worse for wear. He kept apologising for having already had a couple but it was unnecessary. He was certainly in the spirit of things though and gan bei'd every time he was offered. I was greatly relieved when his wife arrived in a large white saloon car - not because he was going home, but because she was driving. He promised to invite us to a meal tomorrow at midday but I wasn't sure if he'd remember.

Uncle Yellow, A Wu, Li Kun, Peng, Chen, and Jiefu - the last men standing at well gone midnight

Err...there must have been a strong magnet under the table...

I ordered more food and the beer ordered itself and a great time was had by all. The only slight blip of the evening was at about half past midnight when I was getting a lift back home with A Wu.... My friend Huang, the seafood boss, started shouting at me about my bike and I suddenly realised I had arrived on it and had forgotten to take it back. With my tail between my legs I got out of A Wu's BMW and thanked Huang as I mounted my electric steed and drove in the direction of home.

Of course I didn't go straight home; I drove around for a good 10-15 minutes drinking in what I won't be able to do soon. I had the 30kph wind in my hair and was free of concerns just for a little bit and it felt great.

More photos, food, and rain

We all got up at a leisurely hour and let the kids play for a bit. It's not like we'll have many more such days. At lunchtime Tan declared she'd only eat grapes during the daylight hours, so I took the kids to the nice place opposite I'd taken them just before going to Fang Cheng Gang a few days ago. I had to choose between buying two portions and wasting most, or buying one and risk insulting the owners who would have expected a tad more income. This time I only got one portion between the three of us as the pain of wasting food was more than that of not paying as much, and all I ate was the egg and some greens.

So without a full stomach we went to my favourite Nan Cheng Bai Hua supermarket but as expected the gin had still not been delivered. We got a bit of stuff, but the main reason I went was to sort out my VIP cards. I had three, and asked how many points each had. One had about 3500, another 2500, and the other 1000. But I was told I could merge them all, so I said ok, and received yet another new card, the fourth in as many years. What I should have done is ask what the 7000+ points actually represented.

My Nan Cheng Bai Hua VIP card with 7000+ points

Then we went to pick up the photos we'd ordered. It was an extra 560 kuai but at least we can bring them back with us. After dropping off the photos and getting approval from Tan I lay down for a while as my back was killing me for some reason.

Photos that will actually fit in the suitcase

After a bit of medicine I took the kids out again, this time for Leilei to have his hair cut. We went to Lao Ma's, as we had done several years ago. But now it's a lot easier than say in 2008 when he would only let her cut his hair when he was busy with the electric razor shaving my forearm. The kids were happy to stay at Lao Ma's and play with her dog Aili while I went to the supermarket.

I was on the road for 30 seconds before the heavens opened and it was all I could do to find shelter under the overhanging of a shop with a fellow electric biker. The five minutes we spent together made for a nice chat about the weather and things in general, where he was from, just outside Pingguo, and I didn't even feel like a foreigner.

The rain cleared up as quickly as it arrived and was starting to dry off some of the more exposed areas of the ground as I arrived at the supermarket a minute later. I picked up the stuff I wanted (cups and bowls for T and E), picked up the kids and dropped them off with Chuan Chuan as Uncle Yellow had called me and reminded me we were going to Li Kun's place to drink tea this afternoon.

I got a lift with Uncle Yellow in his sister's car and we got to Li Kun's and indeed did drink lots of tea for an hour or so. Tan had called a bit earlier to say we had been invited to a meal at 6pm at Li Jia He Xian by her ex-colleague, so I had to leave a tad later. But Li Kun made me promise I'd come back afterwards as some friends would be there. I said of course I would, and not to pick me up as I'd take the dian dong che.

An Italian VW?

Uncle Yellow dropped me off at home to pick up the bike, but I popped inside at first for a bit of medicine. Tan called and I feared the typical "where are you??!!" even though it was a couple of minutes to six, but in fact it was to ask me to pick up something from the house, exactly where I was. Despite my justification for arriving after 6pm I did receive the "where are you?" call moments later while on the bike for the two minute journey to the restaurant. I told her I was just arriving. This was pretty much true, but it was also true for up to 200 guests turning up for a wedding meal. I was just about to sneak in before they all started but I was just five seconds too late. They started really slowly filing in, each handing in their red envelopes and receiving some monkey nuts and cigarettes in return. After five minutes of this, feeling like ten, and realising it could take many more, I worked out I wouldn't be jumping the queue if I jumped in, as it wasn't my queue. So I put on my best smile and politely as possible squeezed into the queue and felt embarrassed to not be giving a red envelope as I got slowly swept upstairs.

The phone was ringing again and I didn't have to look to see it was Tan. But instead of answering I could see about 100' down the corridor Leilei and Xixi, so waved to them. They could at least tell mama that I would be there soon, but I could only move as slowly as the wave of wedding goers would permit. At least I had a reasonable excuse for being a tad late.

There were only Tan's ex-colleague, her husband, their son, and us four at the meal. Despite the fact that both the parents are English teachers, and introduced themselves with their English names, they were the only English words that were uttered during the evening. This was to my considerable relief, as I know it must be difficult to maintain any standard of English living here. I did make an effort to speak a little English to their son though.

It was a pleasant enough meal, and the husband and I shared six Li Quans while we spoke about what it was like 30+ years ago when the girls were in infant school together. Afterwards, we said our good byes and Tan went to see her friends and after dropping off the kids, I went back to see Li Kun. I hadn't realised he was having a pretty big meal at his house, and as soon as I arrived I was given a seat and a bowl and chopsticks and told to eat. Well, it's like that, so I picked a little and joined in with a few gan beis and had a lot more fun than than at the previous meal.

At one stage I had to pop out for a couple of minutes due to the gas of the beer, and just avoid it for a bit. There were four or five ladies outside looking like they were making red earphones for aircraft. I ended up chatting with them and having a laugh for a bit until Uncle Yellow came to find me and bring me back. Got back home stuffed.

My earphone ladies

Mini magical mystery tours, piano, and meal

Woke up at 10 as Uncle Yellow was calling me to see if I could go out to eat this evening. I said ok, hopefully, before falling back to sleep for another 30 mins. I mean, it's got to be done as we'll be gone soon.

I took the kids out at midday to get some diaozi and baozi then drove to get a pai qiu, a simple volleyball, to play with. We then went on a mini mystery tour to the basketball stadium to find a place to eat in the shade. They actually ate pretty well, helped by the fact they hadn't had breakfast. We spent more time than most people would deem healthy watching some rather large ants gallivanting on a tree. Two of them seemed intent on bringing back a bit of dried bird poo and I told Leilei they were drunk, which he thought was amusing.

Nice lunch of bao zi and jiao zi

Showing off the decals that we recently adorned the dian dong che with

We then went for a walk around the locked basketball stadium and saw that a football stadium was being built nearby too. Will there be a Pingguo Utd soon? Due to the growing heat we went back home at 1.30 and chilled for a bit under the A/C. I tried to get a nap but Uncle Yellow called again just to confirm tonight.

I headed this ball into the stadium that is being built

At 4pm I called Tan to tell her I'd be out for a meal soon. She was once again at the doctor's. If he's any good why are all her friends always there? I mean I can understand going for massages regularly but when it's someone who's supposed to cure things it doesn't seem right that you see him more than your husband.

I managed to drop off the kids a tad early and went to practise piano until Uncle Yellow's friend Chen called 20 minutes later. Yesterday's piano room fan was not working so I went to another room to play. But the piano there was so out of tune I ended up practising Pine Apple Rag and ended up having a go at Maple Leaf Rag as it was the only thing that could cure such an instrument. I was over the 10 minutes I told Chen I'd be so went home after forcing 10 kuai on the piano place boss, even though I'd only been there 30 mins and she didn't want anything. Chen called soon after I got home so I met him and we drove the 5 minute walk to the house to eat.

Having a go at Maple Leaf Rag

This was another family affair in a normal house, and there were women and kids. I noticed a guitar on display but when I went to reach it I sadly noted it only had four strings. I didn't have long to be sad though as I was called to eat with the other blokes. I was a bit disheartened to be served German beer. Not just because it was foreign but because it was twice as strong as our normal beer. I needn't have worried though as we were soon on the 2.5% Snowflake beer.

With some of my mates at the meal

I'd left Skype on so of course got a colleague asking me to do something. Actually, this came as a relief as I could genuinely say I needed to go home for a bit. I got a lift there, and half an hour later took the dian dong che back to the house to continue the meal until 10ish, except on the way I remembered to stop off at the seamstress with whom I'd left my trousers to have the pockets fixed. I was so happy to see the job she'd done, and she only wanted 6 kuai. I had 7 loose and managed to get her to accept them.

It's like having a new pair of trousers

I wasn't back at the meal for more than 45 minutes when Tan called me to pick the kids as she was going somewhere. I was quite grateful for this second excuse too as I was stuffed, so said my goodbyes to my friends.

We'd moved on to bull testicle before I left

I picked up the kids and took them on another magical mystery tour but this time it was "only" to the Beihai seafood place, where we had a little to eat and drink before Tan called angrily at 11 to ask where we were, even though we were about to leave. Grrr. At least the kids enjoyed it before I took them home and got them showered.

Peel, teeth, beer

A Da woke me up at 10.47 after four hours and 42 mins sleep. He couldn't find his mum so I let Tan know and sent him her number before going back to sleep till 1.30. I loped about mostly after that. I played Tan at her own game of not eating during the day except I sneaked a cereal bar at 2ish. Then I had a few monkey nuts I hadn't finished during the game last night. I was horrified to feel rock hard stuff with the nuts, and see white stones coming from one of them, and then again in the next one. I spat out my mouthful into a bin bag before feeling my right back molar and realising it was part of that or a crown that had collapsed. I felt physically sick as I hate teeth, and I hate injections, and dentists are a combination of the two.

I mentioned the tooth thing eventually to Tan and she said it was fine I could go to the dentists by A Hua's place to sort it out. Not bloody likely! By hook or by crook I'll chomp on my left for the next week or however long it takes. It reminded me that the most difficult thing for me about living in mainland China would be dentists. Nothing else comes close. Imagine being paraded in the shop window without anaesthetics...it's like some sort of obscene porn!

Went to Waipo's for tea at 6ish and got the kids to eat too. I excused myself after gingerly eating some lovely aubergine and soft greens with rice on the left side of my mouth as I realised the monkey nuts were just about the only thing I'd had to eat all day. I went out as I realised I needed a tinkle on the old ivories so drove around to the last place I'd been to last month and found it open. I walked in and asked what time they closed: "We don't close in the evening, about 9pm we close". I should be used to these oxymoron sentences by now but they still cause me to wonder about the mentality of people here, and how anything gets done. But I had the information I needed, the place would be open for a couple of hours, so I popped home to pick up my music. I also remembered my Farah slacks that Tan bought me many months ago and that I would wear more were the pockets not as shallow as the beach at Fang Cheng Gang. I had talked to a seamstress in the market the other day and asked if she could lengthen the pockets and she said she'd have a look, so now would be my chance.

I discovered a new type of Li Quan beer - the gold one on the right is only 2.8%

I went to the market first but after some discussion it became clear that she wouldn't be able to do it. However, the woman next to her took on the challenge. It was a bit tricky to explain exactly what I wanted done as they were still asking questions after I had used hand signals to clearly confer what needed doing. I explained that when I sat down wearing these trousers my phone and money would fall out of my pocket. They kept saying the word "bu" that I couldn't understand other than it was a noun. Anyway, I left them there and will see what becomes of them tomorrow.

I was starting to get into my practice in the piano room when I got a knock on the door from the teacher. I was worried she was going to criticise me, or worse, offer me tuition. But she was just telling me the heavens had opened outside and did I want to bring the dian dong che in? I still have the plastic bag seat cover with the elastic so I ran out and used that to cover the seat after wiping it dry with her cloth. I wouldn't dream of dirtying her place with wet tyre tracks. I got a good hour in before Tan called to say I needed to pick up the kids as Chuan Chuan was going out.

So I did and they went with me to the supermarket to get a couple of things like a fruit knife and a straw cup for Emily. There I noticed I had skin virtually dropping off my forehead and the kids said it was disgusting. I realised the skin peeling was from the exposure to the sun and decided I needed to go for a head wash. Thankfully the kids agreed to come along so first we went home to drop off the stuff. As the lift opened another of my nemisi came out - I don't quite recall his name but he's been asking me for two years now to go for a beer, and I have said I would every time. This time I promised that as soon as I'd had a head wash I'd go to meet him at "er xiao".

At the local supermarket looking for things for Thomas and Emily

As I still wasn't feeling 100% I had a couple of slugs of medicine alcohol. I still don't know if this is genuinely medicinal or not but the shopkeepers say it is so who am I to argue? I haven't actually broached the question with Tan yet as I know what she will say, but she does believe in Chinese medicine somewhat so I'd be interested in asking her in the presence of a Chinese doctor, though that sounds like it would somehow end in an argument later at home that I could better do without.

The head wash place was ok as there was wifi so Leilei could get online on the iped and Xixi could do the same on my work phone. But the actual wash was not as comfortable as it normally would have been. The shampoo stung my raw forehead, and certain parts of my equally raw shoulders pained at the touch of the hands of the woman who just a week ago had me like putty. When asked if I wanted a massage, for the first time in 11 years I said, "no", and just went to pay the bill. Partly because of the pain and partly because I realised the sooner I went to see my friend the sooner I'd be back.

We drove down to Jiang Bing Lu and called him. By now it was 10.40 but he told me to meet him by the school gate. As luck would have it A Xia was driving past us as we turned around, with Tan in the car too. Also, Huang Xiaoyun shouted at us from the girls' favourite bbq place Tian Yang Po. The kids preferred to be with mama so I let them off as I drove next door to er xiao. My friend appeared and ushered me into the house of his big brother I think.

It was quite a humble abode, with various family members who introduced themselves as "second sister", "third sister" etc. Even the ladies gan bei'd with me, and I could see the men wanted me to catch up on the beer front. It was one of those random nights that makes me love to be here and able to communicate with the locals. One was an ex-schoolmate of Tan's, another an ex-colleague of Er Jie, and apparently related but that term is used loosely here.

Some of the family at the really nice meal I had at er xiao, close to Tian Yang Po's bbq

I ate some rather nice dried raw fish and some other stuff which for them was probably a delicacy, and really enjoyed it. Then, after I'd been there for an hour, an old man with silver hair and a broad grin ambled into the room and he was immediately poured a glass of white alcohol. He was evidently the big baba, and I had to do a couple of gan bei's with him. I found out he'd been on the white alcohol earlier and this was why he'd gone for a nap, but had just woken up and intended to continue. Well, I would have liked to too, but I was getting a bit full up from the food and fizz, so made my excuses to leave.

The old father awoke after a bai jiu-induced nap and continued on it

My friend said it wasn't a good idea to take the dian dong che after a few beers, and almost insisted on taking me in his car, bidding me to leave the bike there. I wanted to tell him that he'd been there much longer than me, and had imbibed the white stuff, which made him a much less safer bet on the road, but I held my breath and made some excuse that I needed the bike early tomorrow. So instead he said he'd drive and I could follow, which was pretty much the worst of both worlds, but sod it, he didn't accept my offer of taking the back of the dian dong che.

Back at our block, after out of eyeshot from my friend I stopped off at the place I'd been to yesterday to eat some greens. I remembered I'd promised I'd go there for a couple of beers when feeling better so thought I would fulfill this. I bought a six-pack of Li Quan and insisted on sharing it with a few blokes who came to sit around my table. Almost immediately I saw the somewhat familiar scene of one bloke leading a rather sozzled friend across the road after a night of too much. Strangely, they sat down at a neighbouring table where people were doing the Bangxu drinking ritual of putting a spoon in a bowl of white alcohol and feeding it to someone opposite. Then of course the drunk bloke joined in even though he should have been on the water. Well I never....

Tan was well home by the time I got back at 1ish, and not too happy about me having had a couple downstairs with those friends. I could have argued that it would have been impolite not to, as I'd promised yesterday, but I have been married too long to start engaging in such words. Xixi's room beckoned once again.

More fever, but good footy

Awoke at gone 10.30 and realised I still had a fever. I just chilled for a bit before lunchtime, and then took out kids for lunch in Ming Dien hotel, which is what we sometimes do when it's boiling outside. But they didn't eat that much and had expensive drinks, though the bill was only 125, which could have been worse for such a nice place. Leilei and Xixi both took the curvy swirlers from their expensive drinks with them but the waitress rushed out to say they couldn't. I was annoyed at this and thought to argue about worthless bits of plastic but didn't do it, and got the kids to hand them back. A moment later she rushed back saying we could keep the swirlers and also gave us the iped that Leilei had left in the restaurant. I felt justified in holding back my anger. Yet another learning experience. What a privilege to be aware of learning at an age where most people seem above that.

Leilei and Xixi with their swirlers and the iped - karma?

I left the kids with Chuan Chuan and went home, where I managed to doze for 15 minutes or so around 2pm so I must have needed it. Tan was around and went out 5ish leaving me to relax more. I called Chuan Chuan around 9 and she said the kids didn't want to come back despite one of them having left me a message on WeChat to do so earlier. I was happy with that.

Maybe because I was still feverish I kept mulling about choices. There are two types of people in this world, those who appreciate choices and those who don't....

Tan had said she'd call but didn't and I didn't care. But at 10.30 I gave her a ring and she said she'd be back in a bit. I hadn't eaten all afternoon so went for a ride. I really wanted to avoid alcohol so couldn't go to the places I normally would have, and ended up outside our block. I ordered mostly greens and the blokes there wanted me to share some beer with him so I obliged, but only one can. I left explaining that when feeling better I'd come back and drink with them for longer. The food left me feeling stronger and Tan noticed I was more sprightly when she came back around midnight.

Although I really tried to have another kip in the evening I couldn't do it. I was too excited about the City game at 3am. I managed to get out of the bedroom before 1am explaining the truth to Tan. She didn't really mind as it meant no chance of snoring. I had a couple of beers around 1am and chatted with Awl to help keep me awake and indeed did so. Luckily the game was quite good despite being the poorer team for most of the first half. But we scored and that kept me going for the second half where we scored again and then Aguero was magnificent to make it 3-0 before letting in a silly goal. Last five minutes were typical City but the result wasn't. Well-earned three points! Finally to sleep at 6am...in Xixi's room.

Fever

I woke with a start bang on 6am and knew all was not well. I felt very sick despite having drunk plenty of water and not having imbibed indecently last night. Had we needed to drive at this time I wouldn't have gone, it was that bad. I logicked taking medicine. I had no desire to risk waking anyone up, nor get dirty from the floor, so I forced myself to crawl to my bag and search out some medicine for my back in pitch black. The zip made some noise as it opened, but thankfully Tan didn't murmur, and I opened the foil under the covers and took it with the water I'd remembered to take with me.

I thought about choices quite a lot, and how it's not always a good thing to have a choice because it also brings with it responsibility, and the possibility of being wrong. I used to call Tan from the supermarket to ask her what she wanted, but that call, however well intentioned, gives a bit of stress, as now to some extent what we eat, or how we wash our clothes, is up to her rather than me. But having choices is desirable too. I want to be able to choose lots of things like number of minutes/GB/text per month on Giffgaff etc., and would actually prefer to be called by Tan if she was shopping.

The trick is to know your audience and offer the right kind of choice, generally limited to avoid stress. I think Apple are good at this; in general your choice is black or white, more memory or less memory, but not 4", 5", different processors etc. For some people the choice will always be the wrong one. Not in a falsifiable way, but in a self-perceived way. These are the pessimists, who will always wish they'd chosen the other way, thus self-fulfilling this. I've been guilty of this on numerous occasions but have taught myself to think how I would be thinking had I made the other choice, and how it could still be perceived as the wrong choice. As it's unlikely both would have been wrong choices you can at least be happy that there is a chance you made the right choice. A bit like buying the dian dong che within a week of being in Pingguo. Had I not bought it I would have regretted it no doubt, though been 250+ quid better off (and less mobile) and had I waited another week or so it would have made the time to use ratio less enjoyable.

I chose to go to the seaside while feeling ill on Friday, and chose not to show it. And now I was really ill but that didn't make it the wrong choice. I mused for an hour or two before getting a call from A Xia in the room opposite. Tan was already up and in the shower so I said we'd be half an hour or so. But I started feeling feverish again so found one of the kids' face towels and soaked it in cold water and lay down with it on my forehead. When Tan got out, instead of being pitiful she got all "travel" moody insisting that everyone hurry up as A Dong needed to be at work soon in Pingguo. Fair enough I suppose but going out for a weekend I thought that at least part of Sunday would be part of the holiday.

When we were ready, and the kids had eaten some seriously sweet and light cakes for breakfast, we knocked for A Xia and found that her and A Dong and Su Liyi were still not packed. And when they were what did we do? Tan had said she'd go ahead with them and Huang Xiaoyun in their car due to A Dong's work commitments, and I'd leave later with the kids in A Wu's car. But in fact we all descended on the place we ate before the bbq last night. It was well gone 10am so I guessed this would be breakfast, but we ordered a private room and before I knew it A Wu was barking off an order that made me realise this was no egg and toast.

While he was doing this I was falling back into a feverish state, not helped by the four hours' sleep. There was a hard wooden bench in the private room and I lay down sideways and started dropping off despite the lack of comfort. I just rested my head on my arm and the noises in the room merged into a soft cacophony that somehow helped me drift away. Before I actually fell asleep I felt Tan prodding me and pushing a tiny bottle in my direction. It had an even tinier straw sticking out of it and I knew straight away this meant Chinese medicine. This can be good or bad, but normally the latter. In fact this was the worst medicine I had ever tasted, Chinese or not. Just the shock of the taste woke me from my slumbers enough to get to the table and make me realise I was hungry. I did avoid most of the seafood though, and replaced it with loads of greens and lotus root. I was starting to feel myself again and had a go at translating the medicine box. Apparently it was designed to make you sweat out your fever. Well it may or may not have have use, but due to the air con I was not sweating at all.

It was not much earlier than midday before we finally set off for Pingguo, but as it was raining it didn't feel like we'd wasted a good day's beaching. A Wu said he was driving slower but it didn't seem like it. 30 mins into the journey I once again chastened A Wu's driving and asked him seriously if he was tired. Of course he said he wasn't (no man, or woman, would), but just a few minutes later we pulled over into a petrol station where he slept for half an hour, while A Ni took Xixi out to get some sweets, and I just lay in the car monged out.

Back on the road it was still really uncomfortable. I counted at least six crashes in the 140km stretch between Fang Cheng Gang and Nanning, and many of these were in the road work areas of 60kph limit, or maybe due to the slowing down for them. The driving habits here are totally crap. The overtaking lane is the normal lane for all except lorries, so when you want to overtake you have to go to the first lane and dodge the lorries before slipping back. It's horrible and will have to change. It has happened in Europe and must happen here. My faith in trains remains.

After Nanning I thought I heard A Wu asking A Ni to talk to him, tell him a story or something. In fact I was right, and I feared it was because he was tired again. Apparently he had been cai-mai'ing till 2am last night. Indeed five minutes later we stopped at another petrol station for half an hour to let him have a "five minute nap". The reason it took so long was because he kept receiving phone calls, and of course answering them. Can't you just turn it off?

Leilei and Xixi relieving the stress of the journey home by playing cai ma

We finally arrived in Pingguo at 4pm. Tan went out to see A Ni and took the kids as she would be be going to KTV later. A Wu told me we were to go to a meal at 5.30/6 and I said I needed a rest first. At 5.30 he called me again but I was just about to sleep, and told him I'd call him later. I slept till 7pm, when Tan got back. I finally felt a bit more myself, which was nice. As I was relaxing A Wu called me again so I said I'd call him back in a bit. I just wanted to watch the beginning of the GP and did. Unlucky for Hamilton getting a puncture from his team mate. After that I did call A Wu who tried to tell me where he was but I didn't understand. I gave the phone to Tan who told me.

She was not close either, and a couple of phone calls with A Da later, I finally got him to come and find me in the centre and we drove the 200 yards to Boss Tao's place. Boss Tao and friends had been drinking for two hours. I couldn't and didn't want to catch up, but was somewhat forced to. I stayed for an hour, but avoided the red wine A Wu and A Ni were drinking, preferring to cai ma some Li Quan. Although I told Tan I'd pick up the kids at 10pm I used this excuse to go there considerably earlier. I did have to stay for a good half an hour and have a couple of thimblefuls of gan beis, before Tan spotted me and suggested I had some tea instead. For once I didn't disagree, and took the kids back with me.

The kids taking the KTV very seriously

As it was not quite 10.30pm we passed by the supermarket to see if the gin they'd ordered had been delivered. Of course not. Well, no worries, I didn't really want any but was just interested if what they said would be easy to get would be so easy. They've had it here for the last five years or so but I suspect I have been the only person to buy it in that time.

Well we did make a small detour on the way home to do some exercise

We got home a couple of minutes later and got the kids showered and to bed by 11.45. Tan got back a bit later and I watched some of the Sunderland-Man U game, just making it till the end and a 1-1 draw before zonking out at 1am.

Overdone with the sun

I was rudely awoken dead on 8am by the phone to our room. It was A Ni telling Tan to get up as we were to go to the seaside early before it got too hot. Fair enough I suppose but I hadn't slept well and neither had Tan (who told A Ni a slight fib that she hadn't slept till 4am due to the noise). We got the kids up and washed and I thought we were ready once I'd packed some towels and sun cream. Then suddenly Tan asked why I hadn't put all my clothes away. But we're not going back till Sunday I told her. But whatever the truth in that, apparently we were checking out today too. I wasn't told that. And in fact she had to call A Xia to check this too, but apparently we were to check out, which somewhat complicated things, but 15 minutes later we were all ready, and left the hotel at 8.45am.

The beach was nice at 9.15. Not as warm as last night but manageable. We had a nice close place to park, and staked our place literally with a large hired umbrella and a table to shade us. I sprayed a load of factor 50 sun cream on both the kids and myself, and made up for last night's lack of sea water by spending a lot of time with them and A Xia's son, Su Liyi, in the sea. The water was actually almost warm and I would have gone belly-deep but it was so shallow we had to go out 100 yards just to get up to Xixi's midriff. We spent a good hour or so mucking about in the water before I realised I was hungry and hadn't had breakfast. So we went back to our table and ate the noodles that had been bought for everyone.

Although Tan also came out, looking very Halle Berry-like in her bikini and short hair, I spent the majority of time with the kids, mainly because I had to keep my eyes on Su Liyi, who I thought was four, but later found out is six. We grabbed a little lunch at 11.30 as I thought it was 1pm, and I was sort of surprised when we didn't leave. So we just went back after some more factor 50 and spent a load more time in the sea. Xixi was loving it and Leilei came out to the deeper water a bit too. At one stage a refreshing cloud came and deposited some heavy rain, together with some very cool wind leading us to put most of our bodies under water to keep warm.

Tan mid-jump o'er the wave

I caught a nice one - Xixi is swimming above Tan's feet

In the end we stayed at the beach till gone 3pm and I managed a couple of well-deserved bevs before we left. To add to the annoyance of having checked out this morning, I was told we had planned to get a hotel on this beach front for tonight so we could enjoy the sea tonight and tomorrow. "Planned" was the wrong word; there were no rooms available as it was the weekend and if only someone had told me of this "plan" a couple of days ago I would have happily arranged a booking. Like last year at Beihai we didn't just turn up, but BOOKED in advance. And that was four middle-aged silly blokes that should have known worse. So after refusing to take a shower at 10 kuai each even for the kids, we got into the cars and drove back to the same hotel we'd checked out of a few hours previously and checked back in. Grrr.

A well-deserved couple of cold ones after a day in the sea with kids

When there are no cucumbers melon will do

Everyone was tired, so retired to rooms, but Xixi and I couldn't sleep. Her because of excitement I suppose, and me as I was starting to feel the effect of my exposure to six hours almost non-stop of South China sun. When I realised Xixi wasn't sleeping too I told her to get up and we got some clothes on and went for a little walk. I didn't have a kuai on me so took my bank card and we set off in search of a bank. My shoulders and back were stinging though, so under the 5pm sun we had about 6' of shadow from some buildings while heading east. I asked Xixi which direction we should head in order to find a bank and she pointed left, which happened to be east, and I told her she was a good girl. Keeping east and north, we eventually happened upon a bank on the other side of a rather wide road. There was nothing for it, we held hands and braved the scorching sun and made it there a minute or so later. Then, a minute later again, we were 3000 kuai better off at least in terms of money in our pocket, and re-braved the journey back to shade.

Xixi really wanted to have a go at the exercise machines it a tiny park, so we stopped for a while during which I fell into conversation with an extended family after commenting on the handsome baby boy one grandmother was holding. After being told it was a girl (why don't they do the stereotypical pink?) I found out they were from Guangxi and had also come down for the weekend. After a few goodbyes we met a bloke bbqing a leg of lamb on the street and got talking to him too, as well as a few other people from his restaurant. After Xixi had been given a small bottle of Cola, we found our way back to the hotel via a small shop that sold me a cold beer and a carton of tea for 5 kuai and didn't mind us paying with a 100 kuai note.

Xixi couldn't quite reach this properly so I helped her do it campanologist-style

I called A Wu to ask what was happening about eating. I woke him up, but he said he'd be down in five minutes. 15 minutes after waiting in the foyer he still wasn't there so I called Tan to let her know we should be eating soon. She came down a couple of minutes later with Leilei but A Wu still wasn't there. A phone call later and he came down but with no plan to eat. This made Tan angry so she went upstairs saying they weren't eating till much later, and having bbq to boot. But apparently I was right. A Wu took us to a local place where we ordered some food. Then, half way through, he said he was going to pick up A Ni. He came back with A Ni and Huang Xiaoyun and we continued to eat. I was forcing myself with the beers though as was really not feeling well.

Then Tan called me to release her anger that A Wu had not picked her and A Xia's family up. As if it was my fault! I just didn't know what to say and as I was feeling crap I didn't argue. Why not ask A Wu why he didn't pick you up? Tan said sod it her and A Xia's lot were going out themselves to eat. When we finished a bit later we went back to the hotel. Strangely enough Tan and A Xia's lot had not even left the hotel as they said they would half an hour ago, and we all went in two cars to a bbq place that took an excruciatingly long time to find. By now I really needed to get home and rest. I did my best to show I was ill, which meant drinking my beer really slowly, and a couple of minutes after the food arrived took Leilei and Xixi to find a san lun che to take us back to the hotel as they were also already fed.

We'd just negotiated how to get to the hotel with a san lun che driver when A Dong caught us up to say he'd take us in his car. I apologised to the driver, and he seemed to understand, and we got back to the hotel five minutes later and I got the kids washed and brushed with the last of my energy. Tan returned before I fell asleep, and I realised after a few minutes I'd have to move to Leilei's bed again as there just wasn't enough room for two adults, even if one has children's size feet.

Off to the seaside but not quite into the sea for me

Up lateish and went for lunch with the kids when A Wu called at midday at a place just opposite our house. I asked when we were going to Beihai and he said after he'd had a sleep, and then left, saying we'd taken too long to come. As by now it was getting on for 1pm I guessed we wouldn't be leaving at 2. The kids ate most of the one portion I bought them to share, and I bought another to take back to Tan. 12 kuai for a full meal represents excellent value, and the portions were generous - I'll remember to come back here.

On the way to breakfast I saw this graffiti on the ledge by the lift - it says "HI Leilei" - I don't know who did it but I'll catch the blighter

I let Tan do the packing and just managed my own stuff like laptop, phone, and chargers. I called A Ni at 2.30 and a sleepy voice answered, and she said to come to the office at 3. Our suitcase wouldn't fit in A Wu's X6 so it went with Tan in A Dong's car, together with A Xia, their son Su Liyi, and Huang Xiaoyun. I found out we weren't going to Beihai, but another seaside town called Fang Cheng Gang, somewhat closer and apparently cleaner than Beihai. I was happy about the shorter distance, but not A Wu's horrible driving at speeds of sometimes over 100mph. I could tell that as his BMW I'm guessing was manufactured for the US market and only has km on the inside of the dial in smaller numbers. Although it's entirely feasible that A Wu hadn't worked that out yet.

Getting ready to go

After a couple of comfort breaks we got there before 7pm. We pulled up at a beach at sunset and there were still quite a few people there. But it was meal time so we ordered a load of the local produce, which meant prawns, crabs, eels etc. Tan warned me not to take any beer with seafood as it would provoke diarrhoea, but I had little desire anyway as I was still not feeling well. After the meal the kids went for a paddle but I wasn't up for it - I was wearing long trousers, shoes, and socks. Then when I realised it looked like fun I must have looked decidedly English so I got the keys to both cars and went to change.

Looking rather English

I found my shorts quickly enough, and changed into them in A Wu's X6 thanks to the tinted windows. But I couldn't fathom how to lock it. I tried double-clicking the fob, triple-clicking, holding it down for two seconds etc. The lights would flash in apparent recognition but every time I tested the doors they always relinquished and opened. Finally it dawned on me that it might be the proximity of the key fob that was allowing me to open the door. I didn't know how far away it might take effect so I put the fob a few feet away, and keeping my eye on it moved back to the car but it still opened. I then moved it about 15' away onto the bonnet of A Dong's Toyota, and looking around for any potential thieves, walked back to the X6 and finally the door kept shut. Lord knows what anyone watching me for those few minutes would have thought. Another one for the Mr Bean ideas library.

Typically, as I got to the water's edge in my shorts, ready to jump in, everyone else was leaving. Grrr. The kids went to get a cold shower even though we would soon be on our way to the hotel, and then we drove to the centre of Fang Cheng Gang for 25 minutes and met A Ni's little brother who lives there with his fiancée. We bought a melon, some grapes, and on Xixi's insistence, two peaches from a fruit market and went the the hotel the little brother had sorted for us. Our room was rather nice, but had two large single beds rather than two doubles.

We all descended on A Wu's and A Ni's room and gorged on melon and grapes for half an hour, while Tan took a shower. We watched a little women's volleyball and it happened to be China v Japan and China was losing, causing A Wu to pay some non-compliments to land of the rising sun. Finally got to bed and I stayed with Leilei as one bed wouldn't hold two adults. There was a bit of noise which annoyed Tan so she turned down the air conditioning, but that didn't seem to be the source. Then at 1am when I was dropping off, she rang the reception and asked if they were renovating the hotel because of the noise. I don't think that fixed anything. The attitude rarely does. It wasn't that bad anyway and maybe because I'm still not that well I did fall asleep soon after despite Leilei's elbows.

Three bottles. Wasted.

Apparently tomorrow we are going to Behai. I've been told this on numerous occasions but never so close to the potential event so it probably will happen.

I decided to put up our picture that would never make it to the UK. I called Ling Ming to ask about a drill and funny enough he had one at his ladies' clothes shop, so I popped around to pick it up. He mentioned a word that could only mean rawl plug, and I mentioned I didn't have any, and then he somewhat needlessly mentioned that there were some in the drill box. But he did mention if I needed more stuff like that it should be in the kitchen. With the help of the drill and a nearly-correct bit I got a reasonably-sized hole in the wall next to where the cross stitch had been taken down, above the dining table. Then, after checking with Tan I drilled a couple of holes above the tv area, but not before downloading a spirit level app to make sure it was level first. Technology.

The family photo taking pride of place above the dining table

Tan originally wanted the family photo here but I didn't like the idea of being looked at by myself while watching Man City play

A Wu had said that we were going to an important meal tonight, and I should call Tan to tell her to come too. It was important because it was "family", and we were to take some of A Wu's collection of foreign booze to actually drink there. I really wasn't feeling physically up to it as I still had a bad head and achy body, but I didn't want to let anyone down so went to his office at 6pm to help him select the bottles. He ended up taking a 15 year-old Glenfiddich and a "special anniversary" bottle of the same brand, as I advised him to keep the 19 year old in the office. For good measure, he also took a bottle of tequila. I was rather worried.

A Ni and Tan dressed up and ready to go for the meal

At the meal A Ni and Tan were the only ladies, and the gents were not family at all, but fairly high-up "friends". I explained that the best way to drink single malt whisky was to add some water and/or ice to bring out the taste. This was done but everyone complained that it tasted better neat. Oh well, these are the people that down cold red wine with ice cubes and slices of lemon, or mix it with lemonade, so I should have expected this. The litre bottle went down rather quickly due to some culturally insensitive gan bei'ing. I couldn't really do anything about it, but saved a shot's worth in my tea mug and had little sips to help counter the germs in my tonsils. I had a few beers with the bloke to my right who was the only other person not doing whisky apart from the girls.

Please don't gan bei the whisky, please don't gan bei the whi...oh dear

The second "anniversary" bottle was really nice and peaty, and I learnt a new word: "ni tan" (peat). I tried to explain this to them but I might as well have invented a new word for all they cared - it was straight into neat gan bei'ing again and I looked up to the whisky gods and uttered a little prayer of apology even though I'm not into the drink. I did snatch myself a bit of the peaty one in my tea mug again though as the flavour was fascinating and deserved to be appreciated with small sips over time. This bottle went down pretty quickly too so A Wu opened the tequila. I had explained a few times how to do tequila slammers, and said he could order some lemonade, salt, and lemons, but when the others saw the new bottle it was snatched and poured and gan bei'd in a raucous manner and I lost any hope of that.

The only two upstanding citizens at the meal

Tan and A Ni had had to do a few gan beis of beer too. A Ni is quite accustomed to this and has a larger body mass, but Tan got flushed quite quickly. Luckily she knows her limits so after gan bei'ing everyone (except A Ni and me) once, went on to A Ni's medicinal tea. I think she also noticed how remarkably and sensibly sober I was, though I wouldn't have minded taking a little of the "anniversary" Glenfiddich back for a night cap. By the end of the meal one of the blokes had his head in his arms leaning on the table, and it took some time to get him up.

We then all went back to A Wu's office for some tea, but as I wasn't feeling great I went pretty much straight home. Half an hour later Tan called me to say she was coming back as they'd moved on to red wine, even the comatosed bloke. I can't imagine what sort of hangovers they are going to have - Pingguo's darndest I should think. As for us we had a nice, early night and no regrets about not joining in with the shenanigans.

Three or four meals

Up at 10.30 and although could have slept more decided to get up and talk to Ma Laoban as I was feeling sort of ok. I'd been in contact yesterday and he had come back to Pingguo after spending a few days in Nanning as his baby son was in hospital. We had a few cups of red tea that was particularly nice, and I gave him his six bottles of cod liver oil and two large tins of lecithin - stuff you can get here but not too many people trust it due to various stories about the quality of similar goods here. He did want to pay me back but I would hear nothing of it, especially as it was partly for his son. I sort of made an excuse by saying that I hadn't even given him (the son) a red envelope so this made up for it somewhat, which sort of dampened his protestations I think.

We went for lunch with a couple of friends at a place right next door to A Wu's massage place. I was really keen to get a sleep but we ate till 2.30pm, during which time two of us shared a modest six pack of Li Quan. I managed to get back and grab some shuteye at 3pm for an hour or so, but got calls to go and eat from both Tan and A Wu. When I properly woke up I couldn't remember who I'd agreed to eat with, so went to Waipo's until 5.30, when I remembered I was to go with A Wu. I started to excuse myself but Tan told me off for potentially not eating at Waipo's which was fair enough, so I sat down and ate a little of what had been prepared before properly excusing myself at 6pm to go to A Wu's office. In the meantime I'd of course received a call from Uncle Yellow asking me to eat with him and some friends. I told him I was already double-booked and he said it was ok, we could meet at 8pm.

Apparently we were eating with the police. That didn't actually surprise me, and I thought to take a carton of Marlboro fags so that A Wu could give them out. Surprisingly not a single person smoked for the entire time I was there, and the carton just lay on the floor. A Wu had really appreciated me bringing it and I thought at least it would be opened and offered. Anyway, it was a good, fun meal. 8pm came quickly and I had another call from Uncle Yellow. I explained to A Wu and he said it was fine, he'd give me a lift, so a few gan bei's later we went to a place near to the Beihai seafood place that I'd not been to before. Uncle Yellow and a friend were there waiting and so was more beer. A Wu stayed too (though I have no idea what happened to the Marlboro), and a couple more blokes turned up during the evening. I noticed that the woman who worked there smoked, and shared a couple of glasses with us too, which is rather uncommon.

Xiao ye with Uncle Yellow, A Wu, and some mates

Chuan Chuan picking up the sweaty kids

As Chuan Chuan was going to the cinema, she left the kids with me so we spent some of the evening together too, until around 11pm when she came back to pick them up as they wanted to stay the night with her. We stayed till gone midnight and had a few cai ma's as per usual, and I was sober enough not to disturb Tan on my return.

Walk with Xixi, scolded for vinegar

I awoke at 6am with a sore throat and upset tummy. This kept me uncomfortably awake for a good two hours during which I took some co-codemol and it took effect, allowing me to get back to sleep till gone 1pm. I managed to eat three small cereal bars but didn't feel like anything else. I checked with Tan that the small bottles of lemon vinegar that Lu Hai had given me were meant to be consumed, and were good for you, rather than for cooking, and she said they were. It is very bitter stuff, but I guess healthy, so I managed to down one in two large chugs.

I wasn't in a great mood for going out but I'm a believer in doing "normal" things rather that lying in bed, so as Tan announced that she was going to "fast", and needed some grapes, I took the opportunity to take Xixi out to get them as well as some other stuff we needed. I don't think Tan understands the meaning of the word "fast".

As it was still raining we donned an umbrella and walked to our local supermarket first. We turned what should have been a 15 minute chore into an hour of fun that not everyone here would understand. But for us, having the time and the warm weather is more of a luxury and therefore nice to spend it in such a fashion. We spent the whole time talking about just things, in a way that's not much like when she's together with Leilei. We took the long way back home, in case Ling Ming was in his shop so I could borrow his drill, but he wasn't and it didn't matter a jot.

Xixi with the "Good Wife" fabric conditioner

When we did get back Tan had found the empty bottle of medicine vinegar and had a go at me as if it had been medicine alcohol! "You're only supposed to take a spoonful!" Oh darling why didn't you tell me when I asked if it was good for you? At least she didn't tell me to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Xixi and I got into some dry clothes and, with Leilei, got on the dian dong che with the intention of going to Waipo's (or Wipe's, as they now call her place) to eat. It was still raining so I put on the huge mac that covers both the driver and the front of the bike, and put Leilei in front of me and Xixi behind, both covered, but unable to see out. I noticed A Wu's X6 outside his office so we gave him a quick bell to see if he'd eaten. Apparently not, so we stopped off and popped in. It was decided over the next few minutes that we'd eat together with A Ni and a couple of her colleagues The kids played silly buggers inside with the bike mac, before discovering a couple of ceremonial swords A Wu had, one of which Leilei used to knight Xixi.

Very silly

Arise, Sir Xixi!

It was 7pm by the time we got to eat at some Hunan place, probably the equivalent of going for an Indian here. The food was very nice and spicy so the kids had to have mostly rice. The two colleagues of A Ni fawned over them both and asked me if we had plans to have any more. I replied that two was enough and they looked genuinely disappointed and said out loud, in a typically honest Chinese way, "what a waste". I knew it was both genuine but also a compliment and took it that way.

I took the kids to Chuan Chuan after the meal and went home. Tan went out after her "fast" of grapes, and I spent a couple of hours literally relaxing as that's what holidays are for. She came back at 11.30, and by lights out at 1am I was on the brink of sleeping. But for some strange reason I didn't quite make it past the sleep barrier, and remained awake until 4am, despite reading Fark articles and comments on night mode, which normally gets me off if counting in foreign tongues doesn't. I could have blamed Tan's snoring but I should be used to that by now. Five minutes later I was awoken by sounds in my own dream. I was dreaming about people falling off roofs, which was rather disturbing and kept me awake again until 6am. At least this isn't a working day.

Boiling foot massage, nice Haiwei meal, and ordering more photos

Up at a relatively early 9.30am after a little over six hours sleep, but no matter. It was my responsibility to feed the kids so I went out and got a three cups of dou jiang and three you tiaos, plus two pumpkin pancakes for Leilei and a white mantou for Xixi as well as two boiled eggs for me. We'd barely finished when Tan told me to take the kids to Waipo's for lunch. It was only 11.11am so I steadfastly refused and told her she was being silly. Sometimes people just see expected times for things without taking into account previous things. Honestly. Anyway, well after midday I took them to Waipo's and left them there with Chuan Chuan as I certainly couldn't eat anything.

I was falling into being lazy and not doing much so I decided I should go out and have my feet washed. Tan didn't feel like going out so I went to the Mingdien hotel where I'd been last year with Awl and the year before with A Wu. I got there soon after 3pm but was slightly saddened to hear that they hadn't had this service for two months now. I wonder if it was in any way related to the other services they offered on the next floor up, also known as the 12th floor.

As the receptionist wasn't aware of any other such establishment I rode around for a bit but not knowing exactly what to look for. I stopped outside the girls' favourite doctor and asked him if he knew of such a place. As it happened he said he did. He closed, but didn't lock, his doors and got on his motorbike and bade me follow him. Two minutes later I was outside a nondescript place where I was told I could get a foot wash. After saying thank you to the doctor I was ushered upstairs to the first floor and greeted by a woman who was rather more excited that she should have been to see me.

I sat down and she brought in a wooden pale of dark brown water as I had been expecting. I really tried to put my feet in but the water was so close to boiling it might have just come out of the kettle. I gave my most manly semi-scream but she just laughed that sort of heartless laugh that shows you have simply not come across anyone with sensitive feet before and don't believe they exist. But she offered to help me. I accepted, but by this she meant grabbing my feet in her hands and forcing them, albeit slowly, into the murky water. This time I was too scared to kick out and nearly bit my tongue as she forced them down, telling me not to move as it would only be worse if I did.

Lord knows how I did it but I let her drag my dirty feet down to the bottom of the pale. Stupidly, just to test her hypothesis that moving would make it worse, I waggled my feet a little when I thought I had got used to the pain. Blooming hell it was like putting them in all over again and I would have pulled them straight out had that not had the potential to be even more painful. I was almost literally glued to the spot, not able to move. I was her slave and she could have done with me as she wished. Unfortunately she just wished to massage me at first, so I didn't argue.

My poor feet after taking them out of the boiling herb water

In fact we fell into a conversation of sorts. As is usual, I used that horrible thing that decent attached pretty girls use when receiving attention from blokes in public places: I acknowledged that I had a wife, and to make matters worse she was a local lass. But funnily this didn't seem to dampen her enthusiasm in the least. She was full of smiles and laughs and kept slapping me quite painfully on the feet with her laughter when I talked about Tan coming from Bangxu. She did make me promise that I'd look out for a boyfriend/husband for her in England, though. Forget Chinese Brides - how about EnglishGrooms.com? She talked about how she'd done an American woman a few years ago and we eventually realised it was the mum of the family we knew back in 2008/9/10, who had subsequently moved on to Kunming. She was so excited to talk about them and their blue eyes it made me open mine. I had a selfish mirror-mirror-on-the-wall moment and asked how well the American woman spoke Chinese. "Very well", she said, "but not as good as yours". Phew, I could put the mirror away for a bit. I would be gutted if I heard otherwise but should not be surprised as I've not really bothered to learn the language really, just got used to it like a child.

Unbeknownst to me I'd ordered the full Monty. Not what that might mean in the UK, but rather a foot wash and a full body massage. I was in no position to complain. Haiwei called at 5pm to invite me to his place for supper and I was happy to accept - I just told him I'd be there soon after the massage, forgetting that I had forgotten where he lived - such details seemed unimportant. Well she did my arms and legs and spent a good deal of time on my back, including walking up and down my spine. When she finally finished I saw it was 5.40pm and I'd had two full hours of her time and realised she must be quite strong despite her fairly slender physique. If I ever were to try to pair up such a young lady (with 10 years experience) I would make a point of mentioning this.

I breezed downstairs and was told it was 100 kuai. I thought this was a bit steep - not because of what it was but because I imagined other places would have been more like 70. But I shouldn't have been fussy at all - two full hours massage and boiling of feet would be over a ton in the UK.

I took the dian dong che to where I thought Haiwei lived. My memory was good but a couple of years too old as I went to his old place. It was a bit tricky being guided from there as I was in the wrong place completely but by hook or by crook we somehow managed in Mandarin to get me where I was supposed to be. Haiwei is a good cook, and I particularly like these sorts of family meals where when you are invited you know it is because you are trusted and appreciated, as there are typically at least three generations of family there.

There were some lovely greens, which I always indulge in, and some duck that was probably squawking about a couple of hours previously. The beer waited a good 20 minutes into the meal but it did come presently, as did more guests during the early evening, as did cai ma. I really enjoyed this evening but I got a call from Leilei asking me to pick him and Xixi up and take them out. That was more important so I explained this to the blokes around the table and they heartily agreed, and after a final couple of gan bei's I shook everyone's hand and made my way out at around 8.30pm.

I picked up the kids and they really wanted to do the 5D thing again. That was fine by me so we went and there was no queue this time. We chose the "mine" theme, and the three of us sat at the back row for maximum effect. This time was much more exciting than yesterday, and there were no disturbing bloody scenes. The 3D seemed to work better for me and the parts when we were falling down vertically were brilliant and I found myself holding onto both Leilei and Xixi. I think I also found out what the fifth dimension was; at times there was smoke blown onto our legs as we went past particular points, so I guess that counts as another dimension. I look forward to doing this one again - a bargain at 5 kuai per person for a good five minutes each. When we got off there was a veritable queue to get in too!

I remembered I'd told Tan I'd go and order a couple more prints that would actually fit in our suitcases to take to England, so we went home and I picked up the micro SD card with them all in. At the Zui Ai place there were some good choices, but rather expensive. Except I need to realise that frames are more expensive than prints. So I ordered a couple of reasonably-sized ones, and a smaller 10" one of the kids in a cute frame for the grand total of 560 kuai. Glad I was slightly tipsy.

Xixi testing a frame - pretty as a picture

The kids knew that Chuan Chuan was going to KTV later so I had to give her a ring to see if they could go with her. Of course they could. She turned up in Yima's dian dong che one minute later to pick them up and I thought I'd better go home. But it was only 9.30pm, so after driving around for a minute or two I had the idea of seeing my Japanese-racist friend whom I think I will change one day at the Beihai seafood place. He was there sitting with friends and we had a nice hour or so eating some greens and having a few weak gan bei's and almost no mention of the Japanese. A nice way to round off a nice day.

Tan was already home when I got back at 11.30, and used her womanly wiseness to work out that I'd had enough beer to probably snore (generally more than three), so assigned me to Xixi's room again. Oh well, little did she know I might just partake in another.