Off to the seaside but not quite into the sea for me

Up lateish and went for lunch with the kids when A Wu called at midday at a place just opposite our house. I asked when we were going to Beihai and he said after he'd had a sleep, and then left, saying we'd taken too long to come. As by now it was getting on for 1pm I guessed we wouldn't be leaving at 2. The kids ate most of the one portion I bought them to share, and I bought another to take back to Tan. 12 kuai for a full meal represents excellent value, and the portions were generous - I'll remember to come back here.

On the way to breakfast I saw this graffiti on the ledge by the lift - it says "HI Leilei" - I don't know who did it but I'll catch the blighter

I let Tan do the packing and just managed my own stuff like laptop, phone, and chargers. I called A Ni at 2.30 and a sleepy voice answered, and she said to come to the office at 3. Our suitcase wouldn't fit in A Wu's X6 so it went with Tan in A Dong's car, together with A Xia, their son Su Liyi, and Huang Xiaoyun. I found out we weren't going to Beihai, but another seaside town called Fang Cheng Gang, somewhat closer and apparently cleaner than Beihai. I was happy about the shorter distance, but not A Wu's horrible driving at speeds of sometimes over 100mph. I could tell that as his BMW I'm guessing was manufactured for the US market and only has km on the inside of the dial in smaller numbers. Although it's entirely feasible that A Wu hadn't worked that out yet.

Getting ready to go

After a couple of comfort breaks we got there before 7pm. We pulled up at a beach at sunset and there were still quite a few people there. But it was meal time so we ordered a load of the local produce, which mean prawns, crabs, eels etc. Tan warned me not to take any beer with seafood as it would provoke diarrhoea, but I had little desire anyway as I was still not feeling well. After the meal the kids went for a paddle but I wasn't up for it - I was wearing long trousers, shoes, and socks. Then when I realised it looked like fun I must have looked decidedly English so I got the keys to both cars and went to change.

Looking rather English

I found my shorts quickly enough, and changed into them in A Wu's X6 thanks to the tinted windows. But I couldn't fathom how to lock it. I tried double-clicking the fob, triple-clicking, holding it down for two seconds etc. The lights would flash in apparent recognition but every time I tested the doors they always relinquished and opened. Finally it dawned on me that it might be the proximity of the key fob that was allowing me to open the door. I didn't know how far away it might take effect so I put the fob a few feet away, and keeping my eye on it moved back to the car but it still opened. I then moved it about 15' away onto the bonnet of A Dong's Toyota, and looking around for any potential thieves, walked back to the X6 and finally the door kept shut. Lord knows what anyone watching me for those few minutes would have thought. Another one for the Mr Bean ideas library.

Typically, as I got to the water's edge in my shorts, ready to jump in, everyone else was leaving. Grrr. The kids went to get a cold shower even though we would soon be on our way to the hotel, and then we drove to the centre of Fang Cheng Gang for 25 minutes and met A Ni's little brother who lives there with his fiancée. We bought a melon, some grapes, and on Xixi's insistence, two peaches from a fruit market and went the the hotel the little brother had sorted for us. Our room was rather nice, but had two large single beds rather than two doubles.

We all descended on A Wu's and A Ni's room and gorged on melon and grapes for half an hour, while Tan took a shower. We watched a little women's volleyball and it happened to be China v Japan and China was losing, causing A Wu to pay some non-compliments to land of the rising sun. Finally got to bed and I stayed with Leilei as one wouldn't hold two adults. There was a bit of noise which annoyed Tan so she turned down the air conditioning, but that didn't seem to be the source. Then at 1am when I was dropping off, she rang the reception and asked if they were renovating the hotel because of the noise. I don't think that fixed anything. The attitude rarely does. It wasn't that bad anyway and maybe because I'm still not that well I did fall asleep soon after despite Leilei's elbows.

Three bottles. Wasted.

Apparently tomorrow we are going to Behai. I've been told this on numerous occasions but never so close to the potential event so it probably will happen.

I decided to put up our picture that would never make it to the UK. I called Ling Ming to ask about a drill and funny enough he had one at his ladies' clothes shop, so I popped around to pick it up. He mentioned a word that could only mean rawl plug, and I mentioned I didn't have any, and then he somewhat needlessly mentioned that there were some in the drill box. But he did mention if I needed more stuff like that it should be in the kitchen. With the help of the drill and a nearly-correct bit I got a reasonably-sized hole in the wall next to where the cross stitch had been taken down, above the dining table. Then, after checking with Tan I drilled a couple of holes above the tv area, but not before downloading a spirit level app to make sure it was level first. Technology.

The family photo taking pride of place above the dining table

Tan originally wanted the family photo here but I didn't like the idea of being looked at by myself while watching Man City play

A Wu had said that we were going to an important meal tonight, and I should call Tan to tell her to come too. It was important because it was "family", and we were to take some of A Wu's collection of foreign booze to actually drink there. I really wasn't feeling physically up to it as I still had a bad head and achy body, but I didn't want to let anyone down so went to his office at 6pm to help him select the bottles. He ended up taking a 15 year-old Glenfiddich and a "special anniversary" bottle of the same brand, as I advised him to keep the 19 year old in the office. For good measure, he also took a bottle of tequila. I was rather worried.

A Ni and Tan dressed up and ready to go for the meal

At the meal A Ni and Tan were the only ladies, and the gents were not family at all, but fairly high-up "friends". I explained that the best way to drink single malt whisky was to add some water and/or ice to bring out the taste. This was done but everyone complained that it tasted better neat. Oh well, these are the people that down cold red wine with ice cubes and slices of lemon, or mix it with lemonade, so I should have expected this. The litre bottle went down rather quickly due to some culturally insensitive gan bei'ing. I couldn't really do anything about it, but saved a shot's worth in my tea mug and had little sips to help counter the germs in my tonsils. I had a few beers with the bloke to my right who was the only other person not doing whisky apart from the girls.

Please don't gan bei the whisky, please don't gan bei the whi...oh dear

The second "anniversary" bottle was really nice and peaty, and I learnt a new word: "ni tan" (peat). I tried to explain this to them but I might as well have invented a new word for all they cared - it was straight into neat gan bei'ing again and I looked up to the whisky gods and uttered a little prayer of apology even though I'm not into the drink. I did snatch myself a bit of the peaty one in my tea mug again though as the flavour was fascinating and deserved to be appreciated with small sips over time. This bottle went down pretty quickly too so A Wu opened the tequila. I had explained a few times how to do tequila slammers, and said he could order some lemonade, salt, and lemons, but when the others saw the new bottle it was snatched and poured and gan bei'd in a raucous manner and I lost any hope of that.

The only two upstanding citizens at the meal

Tan and A Ni had had to do a few gan beis of beer too. A Ni is quite accustomed to this and has a larger body mass, but Tan got flushed quite quickly. Luckily she knows her limits so after gan bei'ing everyone (except A Ni and me) once, went on to A Ni's medicinal tea. I think she also noticed how remarkably and sensibly sober I was, though I wouldn't have minded taking a little of the "anniversary" Glenfiddich back for a night cap. By the end of the meal one of the blokes had his head in his arms leaning on the table, and it took some time to get him up.

We then all went back to A Wu's office for some tea, but as I wasn't feeling great I went pretty much straight home. Half an hour later Tan called me to say she was coming back as they'd moved on to red wine, even the comatosed bloke. I can't imagine what sort of hangovers they are going to have - Pingguo's darndest I should think. As for us we had a nice, early night and no regrets about not joining in with the shenanigans.

Three or four meals

Up at 10.30 and although could have slept more decided to get up and talk to Ma Laoban as I was feeling sort of ok. I'd been in contact yesterday and he had come back to Pingguo after spending a few days in Nanning as his baby son was in hospital. We had a few cups of red tea that was particularly nice, and I gave him his six bottles of cod liver oil and two large tins of lecithin - stuff you can get here but not too many people trust it due to various stories about the quality of similar goods here. He did want to pay me back but I would hear nothing of it, especially as it was partly for his son. I sort of made an excuse by saying that I hadn't even given him (the son) a red envelope so this made up for it somewhat, which sort of dampened his protestations I think.

We went for lunch with a couple of friends at a place right next door to A Wu's massage place. I was really keen to get a sleep but we ate till 2.30pm, during which time two of us shared a modest six pack of Li Quan. I managed to get back and grab some shuteye at 3pm for an hour or so, but got calls to go and eat from both Tan and A Wu. When I properly woke up I couldn't remember who I'd agreed to eat with, so went to Waipo's until 5.30, when I remembered I was to go with A Wu. I started to excuse myself but Tan told me off for potentially not eating at Waipo's which was fair enough, so I sat down and ate a little of what had been prepared before properly excusing myself at 6pm to go to A Wu's office. In the meantime I'd of course received a call from Uncle Yellow asking me to eat with him and some friends. I told him I was already double-booked and he said it was ok, we could meet at 8pm.

Apparently we were eating with the police. That didn't actually surprise me, and I thought to take a carton of Marlboro fags so that A Wu could give them out. Surprisingly not a single person smoked for the entire time I was there, and the carton just lay on the floor. A Wu had really appreciated me bringing it and I thought at least it would be opened and offered. Anyway, it was a good, fun meal. 8pm came quickly and I had another call from Uncle Yellow. I explained to A Wu and he said it was fine, he'd give me a lift, so a few gan bei's later we went to a place near to the Beihai seafood place that I'd not been to before. Uncle Yellow and a friend were there waiting and so was more beer. A Wu stayed too (though I have no idea what happened to the Marlboro), and a couple more blokes turned up during the evening. I noticed that the woman who worked there smoked, and shared a couple of glasses with us too, which is rather uncommon.

Xiao ye with Uncle Yellow, A Wu, and some mates

Chuan Chuan picking up the sweaty kids

As Chuan Chuan was going to the cinema, she left the kids with me so we spent some of the evening together too, until around 11pm when she came back to pick them up as they wanted to stay the night with her. We stayed till gone midnight and had a few cai ma's as per usual, and I was sober enough not to disturb Tan on my return.

Walk with Xixi, scolded for vinegar

I awoke at 6am with a sore throat and upset tummy. This kept me uncomfortably awake for a good two hours during which I took some co-codemol and it took effect, allowing me to get back to sleep till gone 1pm. I managed to eat three small cereal bars but didn't feel like anything else. I checked with Tan that the small bottles of lemon vinegar that Lu Hai had given me were meant to be consumed, and were good for you, rather than for cooking, and she said they were. It is very bitter stuff, but I guess healthy, so I managed to down one in two large chugs.

I wasn't in a great mood for going out but I'm a believer in doing "normal" things rather that lying in bed, so as Tan announced that she was going to "fast", and needed some grapes, I took the opportunity to take Xixi out to get them as well as some other stuff we needed. I don't think Tan understands the meaning of the word "fast".

As it was still raining we donned an umbrella and walked to our local supermarket first. We turned what should have been a 15 minute chore into an hour of fun that not everyone here would understand. But for us, having the time and the warm weather is more of a luxury and therefore nice to spend it in such a fashion. We spent the whole time talking about just things, in a way that's not much like when she's together with Leilei. We took the long way back home, in case Ling Ming was in his shop so I could borrow his drill, but he wasn't and it didn't matter a jot.

Xixi with the "Good Wife" fabric conditioner

When we did get back Tan had found the empty bottle of medicine vinegar and had a go at me as if it had been medicine alcohol! "You're only supposed to take a spoonful!" Oh darling why didn't you tell me when I asked if it was good for you? At least she didn't tell me to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Xixi and I got into some dry clothes and, with Leilei, got on the dian dong che with the intention of going to Waipo's (or Wipe's, as they now call her place) to eat. It was still raining so I put on the huge mac that covers both the driver and the front of the bike, and put Leilei in front of me and Xixi behind, both covered, but unable to see out. I noticed A Wu's X6 outside his office so we gave him a quick bell to see if he'd eaten. Apparently not, so we stopped off and popped in. It was decided over the next few minutes that we'd eat together with A Ni and a couple of her colleagues The kids played silly buggers inside with the bike mac, before discovering a couple of ceremonial swords A Wu had, one of which Leilei used to knight Xixi.

Very silly

Arise, Sir Xixi!

It was 7pm by the time we got to eat at some Hunan place, probably the equivalent of going for an Indian here. The food was very nice and spicy so the kids had to have mostly rice. The two colleagues of A Ni fawned over them both and asked me if we had plans to have any more. I replied that two was enough and they looked genuinely disappointed and said out loud, in a typically honest Chinese way, "what a waste". I knew it was both genuine but also a compliment and took it that way.

I took the kids to Chuan Chuan after the meal and went home. Tan went out after her "fast" of grapes, and I spent a couple of hours literally relaxing as that's what holidays are for. She came back at 11.30, and by lights out at 1am I was on the brink of sleeping. But for some strange reason I didn't quite make it past the sleep barrier, and remained awake until 4am, despite reading Fark articles and comments on night mode, which normally gets me off if counting in foreign tongues doesn't. I could have blamed Tan's snoring but I should be used to that by now. Five minutes later I was awoken by sounds in my own dream. I was dreaming about people falling off roofs, which was rather disturbing and kept me awake again until 6am. At least this isn't a working day.

Boiling foot massage, nice Haiwei meal, and ordering more photos

Up at a relatively early 9.30am after a little over six hours sleep, but no matter. It was my responsibility to feed the kids so I went out and got a three cups of dou jiang and three you tiaos, plus two pumpkin pancakes for Leilei and a white mantou for Xixi as well as two boiled eggs for me. We'd barely finished when Tan told me to take the kids to Waipo's for lunch. It was only 11.11am so I steadfastly refused and told her she was being silly. Sometimes people just see expected times for things without taking into account previous things. Honestly. Anyway, well after midday I took them to Waipo's and left them there with Chuan Chuan as I certainly couldn't eat anything.

I was falling into being lazy and not doing much so I decided I should go out and have my feet washed. Tan didn't feel like going out so I went to the Mingdien hotel where I'd been last year with Awl and the year before with A Wu. I got there soon after 3pm but was slightly saddened to hear that they hadn't had this service for two months now. I wonder if it was in any way related to the other services they offered on the next floor up, also known as the 12th floor.

As the receptionist wasn't aware of any other such establishment I rode around for a bit but not knowing exactly what to look for. I stopped outside the girls' favourite doctor and asked him if he knew of such a place. As it happened he said he did. He closed, but didn't lock, his doors and got on his motorbike and bade me follow him. Two minutes later I was outside a nondescript place where I was told I could get a foot wash. After saying thank you to the doctor I was ushered upstairs to the first floor and greeted by a woman who was rather more excited that she should have been to see me.

I sat down and she brought in a wooden pale of dark brown water as I had been expecting. I really tried to put my feet in but the water was so close to boiling it might have just come out of the kettle. I gave my most manly semi-scream but she just laughed that sort of heartless laugh that shows you have simply not come across anyone with sensitive feet before and don't believe they exist. But she offered to help me. I accepted, but by this she meant grabbing my feet in her hands and forcing them, albeit slowly, into the murky water. This time I was too scared to kick out and nearly bit my tongue as she forced them down, telling me not to move as it would only be worse if I did.

Lord knows how I did it but I let her drag my dirty feet down to the bottom of the pale. Stupidly, just to test her hypothesis that moving would make it worse, I waggled my feet a little when I thought I had got used to the pain. Blooming hell it was like putting them in all over again and I would have pulled them straight out had that not had the potential to be even more painful. I was almost literally glued to the spot, not able to move. I was her slave and she could have done with me as she wished. Unfortunately she just wished to massage me at first, so I didn't argue.

My poor feet after taking them out of the boiling herb water

In fact we fell into a conversation of sorts. As is usual, I used that horrible thing that decent attached pretty girls use when receiving attention from blokes in public places: I acknowledged that I had a wife, and to make matters worse she was a local lass. But funnily this didn't seem to dampen her enthusiasm in the least. She was full of smiles and laughs and kept slapping me quite painfully on the feet with her laughter when I talked about Tan coming from Bangxu. She did make me promise that I'd look out for a boyfriend/husband for her in England, though. Forget Chinese Brides - how about EnglishGrooms.com? She talked about how she'd done an American woman a few years ago and we eventually realised it was the mum of the family we knew back in 2008/9/10, who had subsequently moved on to Kunming. She was so excited to talk about them and their blue eyes it made me open mine. I had a selfish mirror-mirror-on-the-wall moment and asked how well the American woman spoke Chinese. "Very well", she said, "but not as good as yours". Phew, I could put the mirror away for a bit. I would be gutted if I heard otherwise but should not be surprised as I've not really bothered to learn the language really, just got used to it like a child.

Unbeknownst to me I'd ordered the full Monty. Not what that might mean in the UK, but rather a foot wash and a full body massage. I was in no position to complain. Haiwei called at 5pm to invite me to his place for supper and I was happy to accept - I just told him I'd be there soon after the massage, forgetting that I had forgotten where he lived - such details seemed unimportant. Well she did my arms and legs and spent a good deal of time on my back, including walking up and down my spine. When she finally finished I saw it was 5.40pm and I'd had two full hours of her time and realised she must be quite strong despite her fairly slender physique. If I ever were to try to pair up such a young lady (with 10 years experience) I would make a point of mentioning this.

I breezed downstairs and was told it was 100 kuai. I thought this was a bit steep - not because of what it was but because I imagined other places would have been more like 70. But I shouldn't have been fussy at all - two full hours massage and boiling of feet would be over a ton in the UK.

I took the dian dong che to where I thought Haiwei lived. My memory was good but a couple of years too old as I went to his old place. It was a bit tricky being guided from there as I was in the wrong place completely but by hook or by crook we somehow managed in Mandarin to get me where I was supposed to be. Haiwei is a good cook, and I particularly like these sorts of family meals where when you are invited you know it is because you are trusted and appreciated, as there are typically at least three generations of family there.

There were some lovely greens, which I always indulge in, and some duck that was probably squawking about a couple of hours previously. The beer waited a good 20 minutes into the meal but it did come presently, as did more guests during the early evening, as did cai ma. I really enjoyed this evening but I got a call from Leilei asking me to pick him and Xixi up and take them out. That was more important so I explained this to the blokes around the table and they heartily agreed, and after a final couple of gan bei's I shook everyone's hand and made my way out at around 8.30pm.

I picked up the kids and they really wanted to do the 5D thing again. That was fine by me so we went and there was no queue this time. We chose the "mine" theme, and the three of us sat at the back row for maximum effect. This time was much more exciting than yesterday, and there were no disturbing bloody scenes. The 3D seemed to work better for me and the parts when we were falling down vertically were brilliant and I found myself holding onto both Leilei and Xixi. I think I also found out what the fifth dimension was; at times there was smoke blown onto our legs as we went past particular points, so I guess that counts as another dimension. I look forward to doing this one again - a bargain at 5 kuai per person for a good five minutes each. When we got off there was a veritable queue to get in too!

I remembered I'd told Tan I'd go and order a couple more prints that would actually fit in our suitcases to take to England, so we went home and I picked up the micro SD card with them all in. At the Zui Ai place there were some good choices, but rather expensive. Except I need to realise that frames are more expensive than prints. So I ordered a couple of reasonably-sized ones, and a smaller 10" one of the kids in a cute frame for the grand total of 560 kuai. Glad I was slightly tipsy.

Xixi testing a frame - pretty as a picture

The kids knew that Chuan Chuan was going to KTV later so I had to give her a ring to see if they could go with her. Of course they could. She turned up in Yima's dian dong che one minute later to pick them up and I thought I'd better go home. But it was only 9.30pm, so after driving around for a minute or two I had the idea of seeing my Japanese-racist friend whom I think I will change one day at the Beihai seafood place. He was there sitting with friends and we had a nice hour or so eating some greens and having a few weak gan bei's and almost no mention of the Japanese. A nice way to round off a nice day.

Tan was already home when I got back at 11.30, and used her womanly wiseness to work out that I'd had enough beer to probably snore (generally more than three), so assigned me to Xixi's room again. Oh well, little did she know I might just partake in another.

Breakfast soup, photos, pool, meal, guang chang and a City win - nice

Got up at a leisurely 11am ish and reflected that I'd had pretty much zero jetlag, justifying the efforts I made to stay up on Friday night. A Wu was calling me and it was for lunch. That seemed fine so I set off to the place near the wood carver's shop with the myriad of soup accoutrements. This time I didn't even bother putting any noodles in as the accoutrements were enough in themselves. It looks like there were 14 plates, but that is more than enough for a lovely and fairly healthy brunch. A Wu asked if I could go with them to do some rafting at the place I'd been to with Leilei a couple of years ago. Sure, I was up for that. Apparently we were to go at 2pm and be back by 5pm as we'd been invited to a meal by Huang Xiaoyun's husband. A Wu's car was in the wash next door, as was A Ni's, so he asked me to give him a lift back to the office. Luckily, A Ni's car was finished just in time as I hardly had any juice left in the dian dong che and A Wu would have squeezed that out of it before we got back.

The accoutrements for my brunch soup - no noodles required

As A Wu had a matter to attend to I went home to digest the food and think about getting the photos from the DVD to the laptop. Neither Tan's nor my laptop have optical disk drives, so I'd have to find someone who did have one. As luck would have it A Da called me to see if Leilei was around. I was alone in the house as the kids were with Chuan Chuan and Tan had gone out with friends presumably to eat as everything is centred around that activity here. I asked A Da if he was at his dad's office and he was, so I said I'd be over in a tick with my DVD. I found we had 64 high quality photos from the shoot last month, plus the ones they'd made into the pages in the glass-bound book. I saved them off to a micro SD card and to my phone for good measure. I know they're rather fake poses but there are some rather nice ones, and some of the kids' smiles were certainly due to Mr Eight Willies.

Tan chose this for the small frame...

...and this for the huge one we can't bring back

I quite like the ones where we're not looking straight at the camera and so does Tan

A nice one of Xixi and Leilei

The poses were as natural as the smiles and the flowers but the colours are quite nice

A couple of hours later I came back at around 2.15 to find A Wu sound asleep on one of his benches and A Da playing Minecraft on his computer. I threw a few pillows at him to wake him up and when he eventually did he asked how long the rafting took. I had already three-quarters hoped, and half expected that the rafting plan would not go ahead, as most things planned over two hours in advance do not. And indeed when he realised we didn't have four hours to spare he proposed to "wash head" instead, and I gladly agreed.

Zzzzz

A Da came with us for a haircut to the place under our building that I had not yet been to. We had a few minutes to wait so had a look in the new German beer shop that had opened since we were last here. It had a pretty good selection of non-German beers, including Boddingtons and Guinness, plus some decent Belgian ones. The German ones all seemed to be Paulaner, not a brand I'm particularly familiar with. I said it was too early to imbibe now, but the thought of a Duval before a head wash did slightly appeal. We said we'd come back of an evening.

The head wash was one of the best. Partly because I had a bit of pain in my back, but mainly because of the most important difference between this and any other form of massage here - warm soapy water. We chose the 30 kuai version, which wasn't the cheapest, and when it was over I managed to pay - it was 160 kuai, meaning A Da's haircut and style must have been 100 - I suppose that required more skill than a massage....

We then left A Da in the office and drove to a bank where we retrieved 50000 kuai in 100 kuai notes, and then drove to another bank to apparently deposit it. I thought, in fact I know, they have internet banking here so I wasn't quite sure why we had to go in person. The only obvious reason I saw was to use the VIP room and flirt with the assistant while helping oneself to free drinks and fruit. Come to thing of it that is quite a good reason!

What 50000 kuai may look like

Next, as we had time before the meal, was to go to the snooker place by the guang chang. Every time I go I hear new rules - this time although they play the two-shots-after-a-foul rule, if the foul involves your opponent downing one of your balls you don't get the two shots. I found this really annoying as it spoilt my tactic of leaving balls over the pockets. I hope Andge and Awl agree that this is a bad rule. Also, they played that at least one ball had to hit a cushion - how are you supposed to roll up behind a ball and snooker someone then? Anyway, A Wu rang si ji to come and play. I hadn't seen si ji this year as now A Wu drives on his own, but apparently he is a mean shot at snooker. I also shouldn't call him "driver" any more as I guess he's not that any more, but I've forgotten his name.

There was one really interesting game the three of us played. We ordered a pack of cards and pulled out all the diamonds and the jokers and got five random cards each. Starting with the ace as 1, up to the king as 13, the black-and-white joker as 14, and the coloured joker as 15, we each had the numbers of the balls we needed to pot. The interesting part was that you didn't show the cards to the other players, and only put them face up as and when you potted one. This could lead to various strategies, such as hitting opponents' balls in an apparent attempt to pot them but actually leave them worse off and put yours in a better position. During the game, if you can concentrate, it's good to estimate who has what cards so you can make really tactical moves. I really hope to import this version of the game to the UK, especially as it's good for three people.

A Wu had to go off to attend to a "matter". I reminded him about eating later, but he said we weren't going as there would be only women there. I didn't believe him, so stayed and played a couple of games of normal pool with si ji. He's an excellent pot maker and walloped me in the first game before I got a touch of shot-confidence and came from behind to win the second. As we were due to eat at 6pm I said I had to leave at 5.30, so si ji gave me a lift on his dian dong che back to our place so I could put on some trousers. Of course Tan called me to "hurry up!" a moment later.

I got to Waipo's by 5.45 and the kids and Tan were there. Apparently Chuan Chuan really likes the hand-pumping fine water mist sprayers I got the kids from France, so I promised we'd leave them here when we went and made a note to ask Andge to get a couple when over there next week. Chuan Chuan wasn't going to the meal with us, so we waited for A Ni to come and pick us up. I'd given a bottle of duty-free Baileys to her earlier as I know she likes it and was going to give the other bottle of Pernod to Huang Xiaolun's husband but Tan said it was better not to in front of everyone as we didn't have more to give.

Xixi and Leilei with their hand pump fine mist sprayers that will be left here

The meal was of course excellent and the kids were ok too, and at the end I took them out for the evening. We went home to drop off some stuff, then picked up A Da from A Wu's office. I'd wanted to try out the "5D" ride next door, and the kids were well up for it. I got the 3D was the film and the glasses, that probably the 4D was the actual motion of the thing you sat in and were buckled into (probably the only seatbelts that were used in Pingguo). I couldn't fathom what the 5th dimension was though. We wanted to get on with a couple of other kids but we were told to wait. It was only when it was our turn that I realised the reason we had to wait was that we could choose what theme we wanted. Leilei chose "Natural Disasters", which seemed like it could be fun in a not-actually-there sense. But unfortunately that one wasn't working, so I suggested a car driving one. It was quite good fun until a minute in we hit a pedestrian who flew into the air with spots of blood everywhere. At least it was a crappy animation but it was pretty nasty. It was repeated a couple of times too; the last one flew into the air in front of us and landed with crappily drawn round drips of blood spitting out of his or her neck.

From there we hung out at the guang chang. A Da buddied up with Leilei so I went with Xixi to let her go rollerblading, which she enjoys and is getting more confident at, though not as good as some of the three-year-olds bombing it along. After that we went to the new soft play area very close to A Wu's office. I let the kids play as I surfed the net on my phone as most of the parents did there. Leilei looked a little big, but sod it he's on holiday. I was rather surprised at the 50 kuai cost when I told them it was time to go, but I suppose that is the cost of new stuff like this, which was air conditioned and very clean.

Leilei and A Da at the guang chang

Xixi in her element at the guang chang

Haiwei had been getting in contact with me for the last few days but I'd not had time to meet him of an evening so I called him to let him know we'd go for a little bbq at 10pm. Typically, he wasn't around, but we went anyway as I expected him to call back soon. I ordered 10 pork chest and 10 duck tongues but by the time they were ready it was gone half past and I had to be back before 11pm to wash the kids and watch the footy. As A Wu was nowhere to be seen the four of us all came back and A Da had some bbq as I washed the kids, doing so just in time to sit down in front of a not-bad stream of the Newcastly-City match, and letting the kids watch too. Of course Haiwei then called me back so I said we'd try to arrange something for tomorrow instead.

Tan then called to say she'd be back soon and said A Da could come downstairs and wait for A Ni, so that was him sorted. We played a good first half and got an excellent goal by Silva from a Dzeko backheel and I got the kids to sleep at the break just in time to get back for the second half, by which time Tan was back too. Another solid half, and a late goal for Aguero sealed a good win for us. Next game is 8pm next Monday though, meaning 3am Tuesday morning - not sure my body's up for that sort of thing any more but we'll see. As it was 1am I checked and found our light was out, which meant I'd better take Xixi's room even though I'd had relatively little Li Quan.

The second half and finally some time to myself to crack open a beer and enjoy the match

Nanning and back again with Leilei

Although I did wake up at times throughout the night, and thought at 5.40am I'd be up for the day, I did manage to slumber on until 9am when our room was filled with the noise of not just bangers, but screamers too. I waited a good five minutes before getting up to close the windows, and was glad I did as it went on for a good five minutes more. It was only 50 yards away, across the road by the corner of the guang chang, but I really felt sorry for the people on about the eighth floor, who were about 15' away from where the fireworks were banging in the air. At least we had spent an August night without the A/C. It seems that just before I got back it had started raining again, which brings a much needed reduction in temperature.

Checking timetables, it appeared that getting the 11am coach to Nanning would give us a better chance of being home for tea than the 12.50 train. I rang Chuan Chuan and it took some time for her to answer in a sleepy voice, but I asked her to get Leilei ready and I'd pick him up in "shi ji" minutes, which is a handy way of saying "between 11 and 19 minutes". I was actually there more than half an hour later at 10.30, and was glad to see that he was at least dressed. Brushed teeth later, we found a san lun che just outside Waipo's house and I asked the driver to take us to the bus station. Three minutes later we found ourselves in the centre of town, where various blokes were shouting out to us "Nanning! Nanning!". I realised the driver had taken us to the old bus station area, which was now used by cab drivers as their pick-up and drop-off point. They are the only people I've seen aggressively touting their wares in Pingguo. I explained that I actually meant the bus station, as opposed to what used to be the bus station. I don't know what I should have said to get there in the first place.

The new bus station (maybe that's what I should have said) was well outside town, and it took about 10 minutes to get there, by which time it was 10.54. There wasn't too much of a queue for tickets and we managed to get ours for 65 kuai together, and get on the coach with two minutes to spare. At 10.59 I asked Leilei if he'd had any breakfast and of course he hadn't so I asked the driver if I had time to get a bite to eat. Apparently I had so I nipped out and got a six-pack of mini Swiss rolls that would at least give him some calories, if not many vitamins.

We took the opportunity of time together to talk about things Leilei was interested in, like planets and some other sciency things. I was as pleased as punch when he said he wanted to be an engineer when he grew up, but held it in as I didn't want this to dissuade him in any way. The A/C was slightly on the cold side, and Leilei said he wanted to sleep, so I looked around and luckily found some spare seat covers on the other front seats. I pulled off three of them and wrapped them round him and he leant against me and rather quickly fell asleep, as the Chinese are apt to do. In fact, they are the best nappers I've ever known. I've become better at doing it in the last couple of years, but never had this ability to seemingly nap at will. I'll have to practise. For the next 45 minutes or so I practised Chinese instead, by translating the China Unicom advert on the head rest cover in front of me. I wish I could remember the phrase I learnt - something like "not worrying about time". Very nice, and apt for a mobile phone advert.

Leilei wrapped up in three seat covers

...and a few moments later

We arrived at a coach station I'd never seen before, on the west side of Nanning. We were still some way away from the train station so we got the 804 bus. It took nearly as long as the ride from Pingguo, partly because of the road works due to the building of an underground network. Even a taxi wouldn't have been much quicker. The driver didn't even charge us our 1 kuai fare. When we finally got to the train station area I realised we only had a couple of hours till the 4.20 train to Pingguo. I asked a cab driver if it would be possible to take us to and from the airport in time to catch that train, and he said it would but we'd better hurry up and buy our tickets.

So Leilei and I rushed to the station. We had to queue up to get in and show our ID (not that they checked), and eventually we found the ticket hall and a queue that after a minute we knew would take 45 to get to the end. So we gave up hope of getting the train and realised we'd have to get another coach. It took longer than expected to get out because there were more bloody security gates, at least two requiring IDs, which I didn't even bother showing. Then, once we were out, on crossing a small entrance road some bloke on a dian dong che drove into me. I was blooming annoyed but managed not to fall over. Even other crossers of the road shouted at him. But I had other fish to fry at that time.

We found the taxi driver we'd spoken to, or rather he found us, and I asked him the price of going to and from the airport. He pointed inside and said something I eventually understood to be that he was obliged to use the meter so we couldn't even negotiate a price. In some ways this was a relief, but I was going to offer 200 kuai and asked him to give me an idea at least. He reckoned around 200 so that was good enough for me. We bought some dried fish, some chilli biscuits, and some pistachios and set off.

The journey was fine, but the pistachios and chilli biscuits were soft. However, all went as it was 2.30pm and neither of us had had a proper breakfast or lunch. My suitcase was waiting for me so we were no more than two minutes in the airport, and on the way back I asked the driver to take us to the Bei da ke yun bus station. He said that had now moved, and had a new name, and he would take us there instead. I had to go on trust. It wasn't what I had found on the Internet but looking at the timetable he had there was a bus to Pingguo at 4.10. And we was adamant that buses from there went to Pingguo.

Thanks to the GPS and map on my N8 I found out we were bypassing the centre of the city and went towards the west. It finally dawned on me that we were going to the same place we'd arrived at a bit earlier. Interesting how the buses now no longer go into the centre of this city, that has become so chock-a-block with cars as to be ridiculous now. I can't wait for the underground to open. The 4.10 coach turned out to be the 4pm, and as we asked the woman she told us to hurry up to catch it (this time 60 kuai rather than 65), and we made it by one minute.

We sat, once again, in the front-right seats, and the driver told me my son was a handsome boy. I mentioned it was because his mama was from Pingguo and it wasn't long before he asked if her surname was Tan. Apparently her name is known as her brother drives in Guangxi for a living so news about us has spread in the driving community. I reflected on the day so far. It hadn't gone exactly as planned. 15 minutes in a san lun che - 15 kuai, 90 minutes in a coach - 65 kuai, 80 minutes in a bus - free, 100 minutes in a cab - 265 kuai, 90 minutes in a coach again - 60 kuai, most of the day to spend with your son - priceless.

Napping on the way back

After a cheaper 12 kuai san lun che home, Tan was there to inspect what I'd brought back and all was present and correct. Except I found I'd forgotten my razor. We went to Waipo's for tea but for the first time there was none; she'd not expected us but I thought there was always food there as there are always people. No matter, Tan, Chuan Chuan, the kids and I took the three boxes of Lego Star Wars miniature fighters to the huo guo place opposite and had a great time making them before the food was served. Then, predictably, the kids went out with Chuan Chuan. I'd invited Tan to go for a massage and she wanted to, but had eaten so much at the huo guo place she could only lie down at home. I waited a while but was falling asleep so got on the dian dong che and went there alone. It was a lovely hour, with some pain to boot, but I explained that I'd spent 30 hours travelling recently so maybe she was being kinder than usual.

Boys and their toys (actually Xixi had hers just to the left) - huo guo in foreground

As A Wu had said, when at this massage place just mention his name, so I did, and I signed my Chinese name on the receipt that showed me it would have been 98 kuai. For an hour not bad at all but prices are creeping up. I got back at 11pm, and fell into a deep sleep not a great deal later.

Back again, mostly

After work, rather than spending the evening packing, I went for a pint with Awl, then got home and made a salad and cooked steak. It was a nice way to say goodbye to him and dad, but it wasn't a good way to pack my bag, which I did at a stupid time of nearly midnight, but think I remembered all the stuff I'd promised friends back in Pingguo.

Three and a half hours' sleep should not be enough but I had reckoned on roughly waking up in Chinese time at 4am (11am there) so as to get into the swing of things. Dad got up to see me off and I managed a shower and a cinnamon ring I'd bought from Sainsbury's a few hours previously. Then at the last minute I realised I'd forgotten to pack a few things so stuffed them in my lovely new Samsonite extra-large suitcase that had been delivered from John Lewis to my local offy yesterday afternoon. It was 185 quid but in my experience if you travel fairly frequently it's absolutely necessary to get quality; we've done TK Maxx and other stuff before and nearly always been bitten. If only to avoid the worry of being bitten it's worth it to get something of quality. My old, heavy, hard Samsonite from 2003 has withstood well over 20 long haul flights with only the loss of the faceplate of the address thingy. It's just a case (no pun no pun) of brand being worth it. The extras that came with the case also justified its expense; a thing to hold the elastic straps until you've packed, a spare bag for dirty clothes, a suit bag, a waterproof area for toiletries etc. Seldom have I ever been so excited to open an empty suitcase.

And the wheels were nice too. That with the four-wheeled hand luggage size case meant the train to Charing Cross at 5.05am, and the subsequent tubes to Terminal 4 were reasonable. It did take nearly two hours though, and by the time I was mostly through the long queue for Air France, some woman did call out for Paris passengers, and I was allowed to skip part of the queue in order that I not be delayed. I don't think it was necessary but I gladly accepted and was happy my luggage was bang-on 20kg. Security was a breeze, and I found what I needed in duty free for Lin Hong (some Estee Lauder facial cleaner for 20 quid).

I can't complain about the flight to Paris. I was a bit annoyed at the lack of lounge there though. London and Paris, and not a lounge for me to rest in. So much for Priority Pass. I grabbed a small glass of blanc before the long haul flight to Guangzhou. This flight was ok too. I realised I'd seen the film "I Legend" before but only at the end - I must have been getting tired. Then I think I slept for some time. I hoped I'd slept for five hours as I checked my phone and it said 11pm, which if was Europe time would have been 5am Chinese time, 55 minutes before landing. Then breakfast was served so I felt as refreshed as if I had had five hours' sleep. I wolfed down the omelette and asked for two coffees before I went to look at the sky map, expecting to see us approaching Guangzhou.

Words can't express how angry I was to find we were not much more than half way through the flight, and there were four hours to go out of 11. Grrr. Why did they turn the lights on and serve breakfast the gits? I tried to get some more sleep but the coffee and thought of arriving didn't let me so I did a bit more work for an hour or so. I then started watching a Ricky Gervais film called something like "The Invention of Lying", thinking it would take me until roughly landing time. It was quite enjoyable, but I found "telling the truth" to be different to "not lying", as in sometimes we don't say what we think - and that to me is not a lie. Anyway it got a laugh from me during a tad of turbulence and I was downright annoyed when the flight attendant took my headset away with 16 minutes to go, as I'd timed it to coincide with the landing and now I had to watch outside to make sure the pilot was doing his job.

As is usual he did his job well and we landed safely. At Guangzhou I asked three China Southern employees, including a women whose job was to advise about luggage, as to whether I needed to fetch my luggage. Everyone told me not to - my luggage ticket was checked and it was clear it was to go to Nanning. I was glad of that but still waited ages in the security queue but at least this time had no problems with the two bottles of duty free.

After security there were no signs for which gate so I asked a the driver of a golf cart thing where I should go and he asked me where I was going. I said Nanning and he said he reckoned it would be terminal B. I was about to get on when I realised the only spare seat was the driver's and I had been talking to a passenger. I apologised in an English way and luckily another golf cart turned up immediately. This time I realised it was left-hand drive and asked the driver before he got out. Actually he didn't get out. He just rested his head on the steering wheel and I apologetically tapped him on the shoulder to ask if I was going to the right place. He said everyone needed to go to terminal B so I thanked him (would have been easier with signs). Then I offered to do the driving as he was obviously tired, and that seemed to make him perk up a little, but I don't think he realised I was joking so I told him I wasn't being serious. When we were full up he did seem to drive rather fast but we got there in one piece.

It took a couple of minutes to find the gate, and knew I had a good three hours. I found the lounge too, and after a slightly difficult conversation with the maid, got in. I was so tired but had to do some more work. I made sure I had healthy breakfast of two apples, an egg, and orange juice. I started feeling like I was on a boat and found it hard to balance, but as soon as there was an announcement about the plane that sorted me out as I had a short-term goal. This made me think about the importance of such goals in order to keep you focused. They are actually very necessary. I think of this in project management, and would always aim to set short-term goals for people, rather than the end of the project. At least I would if I was a project manager. I walked for a few minutes towards gate B202 and went past the other lounge that the ladies were probably telling me I'd be better off going to. Actually I was glad I didn't go there as we were there last time and it didn't have cold drinks unless you asked specially for them.

I nearly dozed off during the flight as I was counting to 100 in French after German didn't quite do it, but it started getting a bit turbulent. I'm normally worse, but I've found fatigue is better than alcohol at shrugging it off - I was more annoyed than scared.

A nice landing was my arrival in Nanning, but after 20 minutes it was clear that that was something my hold luggage hadn't had. Along with two couples I went to the "Baggage Inquiry" place. Much to my chagrin they said I should have taken my suitcase from Guangzhou and checked it in again. Despite my clear protestations that at least three China Southern employees (including that at Heathrow) had told me I was to pick it up at Nanning there was nothing they could do. I was livid, but understood their position. I was achingly tired too, so I let them scan my passport, and entered my name and address and didn't even swear when they told me I (or someone with the receipt) would have to come back to claim the suitcase later.

After calling Tan to let her know I'd arrived, I called A Wu to say hello too. He was in Nanning but busy and asked me to call him later. I also pinged Vincent, the bloke I'd met in Pingguo last month with A Wu, who wanted to meet me again as he'd spent six years in the UK before. Vincent wanted to meet me for a bite to eat, and said he'd come to meet me at the train station where the airport bus would take me to for 20 kuai. I called him a few minutes before I was due to arrive and told him where I was. When I arrived five minutes later I called him again and he said it would take him much longer than the original 15 minutes to get there due to the traffic. Blimey, despite six years of education in the UK he was as aware of the time as a statue. So it ended up me taking a taxi to meet him, losing any chance of my 2.30pm coach, and I thought I should never have bothered pinging him.

I met him at Wu Jiang square and we went straight for a bite to eat. I noticed he only ordered for me and when I asked he said he'd already eaten. We ordered by asking what was the fastest thing to make, and then he added a portion of fruit to that. It was already 2.30 and he said he had a meeting at 3pm so we'd have to leave at 2.50. If he'd just told me that before we could have arranged to make it another day. I wolfed down what I could of the pig liver and greens, and we put the lovely sculptured fruit into a couple of boxes to take away. I got a lift until I spotted a taxi where I got out and said goodbye until next time.

It was another 26 kuai journey back to the train station, where I thought it would be best to get the 4.20 to Pingguo in an hour's time. But the airport rang as I was trying to pay the driver and get my luggage out at the same time, while rushing as we were in a queue. I understood that they had found my suitcase in Guangzhou and it should be in Nanning later today. I was struggling with my hand luggage and the fruit nearly tipped over the duty free so I handed it to the driver as a little present and he was genuinely appreciative of it.

I called A Wu to say I may now stay a bit longer and to see where he was. He was in the direction of the airport so rather than buy a train ticket I took another cab to where he was and called the airport from there to find any further information. Actually I'd just checked the flight times and the earliest possible one would have arrived at 9.30pm, with the latest at around midnight. A Wu didn't want to wait so long and I couldn't do so, so we agreed to go back together in his car. He appears to have his licence back as he drove himself. I complained about his driving on more than one occasion. Many vehicles here stick stubbornly to the overtaking lane on the motorways, and A Wu was no exception except when it came to overtaking. He'd nip into closing gaps between a lorry and approaching car and overtake both, and when I admonished him he said "BMW" as if that made it ok. I said it wasn't the car but the driver and he laughed, but not that much. Despite that I half-dozed a lot of the way - it was better not looking where we were going. We did make it home by 6pm, about the same time as I would have done in the train, but not half as safely.

It was great to see the kids again at Waipo's and Xixi gave me a big hug. Leilei was a bit more absorbed in the iped than I would have liked but we had seen each other many times in my physical absence, in many ways thanks to the aforementioned iped. I took Tan home while the kids went to play badminton with Chuan Chuan, and it was very nice to be back. I could easily have fallen asleep at 8pm but I forced myself to stay up so I wouldn't wake at 3am. One thing that helped was Tan saying that the photos were ready, so I walked down to the place we had them done with, for some reason, three receipts. By golly I hadn't realised the large, framed photo would be quite so...large, it must have been 4' x 3' and not a chance of fitting in any normal suitcase, even my extra-large one that was somewhere between Guangzhou and Nanning. I told the girl it was ok I'd take out the photo and roll it up, and she looked at me like I'd just told her I was going to roll her up and put her in a suitcase. "But it's already been framed...", she protested. Little did she know that I would be able to unframe and do the necessary, but I didn't have time to explain. I also had a rather nice glass-framed book of photos from the shoot, many of which looked really rather ok, and I now have a better appreciation of why women spend so much time putting on their faces. Plus I had a DVD of a number of photos Tan had chosen and probably paid about 10p each for, plus finally two wallet-sized photos they threw in.

For some reason the woman insisted on helping me find a san lun che to take it all back. Even though it would have been a five minute walk. But so it was, and I got back 4 kuai lighter as that seems to be the minimum price now (no wonder people are buying cars).

I don't think it is going to fit - and the other suitcase ain't much bigger

Tan was out but that was expected as I'd said I'd need an early night. It was touching 10pm so I thought I'd get the laptop out and read a bit of news but as I did I slipped into a world where I was about 50' above and could see what looked like a swimming race with my physical tiredness in first place, mental tiredness in second place, plus five other factors of my tiredness. It was rather disconcerting and ironically helping me to sleep, despite wanting to stay up to see who came last.

Shortly after 11pm I was well asleep, until that is someone got back and went to the bathroom. I somehow awoke and somehow knew I was in China and shouted at the person "Who are you?". Of course it was Tan and it was 12.45 and I had no more energy than to fall back to sleep safe in the knowledge that I would not be disturbed again.

Unrude awakening, too many flights, too little sleep

I awoke to banging on my door that felt like banging on my head. I shouted something at the noise and heard the response "I'mma don't speak Chinese!". It took me a full 20 seconds to realise where I was and that this was the Italian bloke Stefano waking me up. And not a moment too soon. It was 9.20am and I had said we'd take the 9am shuttle. Well sod that. I told him I'd be 20 minutes and grabbed a shower and did a quick pack. I stopped to breathe and realised that although I thought he was pretty dim, I did owe him a favour for waking me up after four hours sleep. I dread to think what would have happened otherwise.

I grabbed a few glasses of water from the bar, but no breakfast, as I checked out, and we got the 10am shuttle for our 12.15pm flight. Apparently he was on the same flight but had a connection to Rome instead of London. As soon as I had checked in my suitcase I went through security and found a lounge, and felt a little rude not waiting for him. It was busy in the lounge but I grabbed some stuff to recompense for no breakfast, before going to the gate, as usual one of the last people.

I was right at the back, which I don't like as it exacerbates turbulence to my mind. But after a glass or two I did manage a couple of hours shuteye, thanks mainly to the awful film "Insurgent". After that I managed to stay awake for the infinitely better film "American Hustle", and nearly managed to get back to sleep after that except I started to have a hangover from last night's whisky episode that will not be repeated.

I contacted Mat from Frankfurt, or Hamburg, wherever I was, and arranged to meet somewhere in London in a bit. Luckily the flight left and arrived early, though I had little interest in boozing now. But that didn't apply to Mat. I took the underground rather than Heathrow Express as in my experience it's actually quicker. No waiting for a train from T4 to Ts 1,2,3, only to wait another 15 mins for a train that takes 15 mins to get to Paddington, from where it takes another 20 mins to get to Charing Cross. I got to meet Mat at Charing Cross soon after 10pm and we managed to get the 22.22 to Lee.

I didn't think I'd make it to Lee such was my fatigue, but knew I couldn't let down Mat. Plus, during the journey Awl changed his mind and decided to come around. So we got vodka and whisky, but I managed only two cans of Carlsberg 3.8% in four hours, almost China style, before falling upstairs to bed at 2.30am after a good chat, leaving Mat and Awl for heaven knows how much longer. Shattered.

Sweat, School, and Shanghai

I woke up, drenched with sweat, in Xixi's bed. I noticed the air conditioning was off, and yesterday had apparently been the hottest day of the year with temperatures at 40 plus. I went to the loo and when I came back I realised there was cool air coming from Leilei's room, and the light was on. I peered inside and found my laptop on the bed, plus my phones. I realised I must have gone to sleep there, woken up and gone to the loo before going back to sleep in Xixi's room out of habit. I felt stupid and relieved at the same time, and fell back to sleep in a cooler room.

I wasn't feeling great when I awoke again, and as I lifted my phone to see the time I just managed to read 10.20 when it started ringing and I noticed Mr Lu's name. I just put it face down, which I think hung it up. Before waiting to hear it ring again I managed to put it on silent mode and went back to sleep.

My guilt didn't let me sleep much beyond 11am, and I guiltily checked my phone to see seven missed calls from Mr Lu. I rang back to find it was busy, no doubt number eight. I tried again and he answered. He didn't seem let down in any way that I'd not answered for the last hour and told me to come around straight away as the children were all waiting for me. I felt bad so I said I'd be there in five minutes. I got up and put on some shorts and a top, only for Tan to announce that Lin Hong had sorted out a car to take me to Nanning "shortly". Jeez, literally no-one plans stuff here. I said I was going to see some kids in a school and showed the letter he had written. Tan told me the school was opposite "Zui ai", the place we'd had the photos taken yesterday.

I was literally sweating bullets, such was the humid heat outside, and partly the beer from last night. I got to the school and didn't see Mr Lu, who said he'd be waiting for me. So I called him and he said he was at the school just opposite our place. Ok, lucky I had the dian dong che, a minute later and I was there to see his excited face, as he called "Mr Peng!" across the busy road so all would know me. I said I only had a few minutes, so he got on his little moped and sure enough it wouldn't start. I was about to offer to take him when it sparked into life and I followed him to his small school around a couple of corners.

It was 11.45 and there were about 20 kids in the class from about 6-13 years old, and they burst into applause when I arrived. Gosh, how could I have considered not turning up? Sorry Mr Lu for even considering not coming, sorry. I introduced myself and asked and answered questions in the heat, hoping I didn't smell too much, not that the smiles betrayed any such thing. I think Mr Lu was very happy, and took plenty of photos. Then, as I held up my phone to do the same, just before I got the chance to take it Lin Hong called me, preventing me actually taking it (something that never used to happen before cameras had phones). She said the car would arrive in half an hour. Fine, it would give me an excuse to get back and have a shower. Ah, but I should have packed last night instead of bbq'ing.

I would have got a better pic had Lin Hong not called during my first attempt - lovely kids though, so glad I made the effort

It happened to be the time the kids were going home for lunch, so after a few more photoshoots, and having a slice of watermelon forced upon me I drove to Waipo's house to pick up the kids first, then home for a shower. Lin Hong rang again to say the car would be there at 1pm, so I had half an hour's grace.

It was a bloody rush packing my stuff after the school run though. I hope I haven't forgotten too much. The car that picked me up only had to wait an extra 10 minutes as I got my stuff downstairs and said farewell to the wife and kids. It was almost a Chinese goodbye, without too much emotion, partly because we were in China, and partly because it was so bloody hot we had to get out of being outside. Of course I wasn't the only reason the car was going to Nanning. There was another bloke already inside, and we stopped off to pick up a letter that I can only presume would be quicker to deliver via car than the postal service.

Bye bye babies

Thankfully, unlike And and Awl's trips to the airport last year, we didn't go via Nanning centre and I actually got there four hours before my 6.20pm flight. Normally that is no problem due to lounge access, but this time the electricity went off in the whole terminal every few minutes or so during the course of an hour. It's strange how quickly the lack of air conditioning wreaks havoc, compounded by the darkness and lack of internet connection. I could almost argue that this was not a first world problem, but it sort of wasn't. I did, however, manage a couple of self brought Gs with the freebie Sprite from the fridge, which was the only place that retained its temperature during the blackouts.

Luckily the flight to Shanghai was relatively free from turbulence, as was probably helped by a couple of Qing daos en route. While waiting for my luggage in the presence of a few foreigners I felt the need to show off my Chinese and rang A Wu to have a chat and a laugh. As soon as I got off the phone some shortish western bloke came up to me and asked me in an Italian accent if I knew a hotel to stay at. He said he'd heard me speaking Chinese so asked if I could help him. Ok fair enough, I called the hotel that I'd booked a couple of days ago only to find that it would be 650 kuai, but they were honest enough to say it would be less than half that if I booked online.

So I told Stefano and he couldn't sort out the 650 kuai so I told him I'd try to do it online, but first I wanted to find the shuttle stop. As luck would have it (and it hasn't before), the bus was waiting to go so I got on and told Stefano to too. During the 10 minute journey, try as I might, my Nokia N8 just wasn't up to the job of modern mobile web sites, so I told him I'd check in first and then try to get him in. It was a bit of a gamble but after checking in and paying 200 deposit, I did manage to book his room via my laptop and wifi five minutes later, and indeed it was 350 kuai cheaper than had it not been done online.

He was grateful but I was tired and didn't fancy going for a beer with him. I mean, what sort of person flies to Shanghai with the intention of staying the night and not does book a room in advance? To make it worse, I found he had been teaching film studies in Nanning for six years yet barely spoke a word of Mandarin. Needless to say I was less than impressed.

In my room I did something I rarely do - drink a bit of whisky. I just happened to have some and I fancied a night cap. But for some reason I got a taste for it, mixed with a little water. I stupidly stayed up chatting to Awl on Skype till something like 4am, needing to get the 8.30am shuttle a bit later. I even remember going for a walk to find a shop just be able to speak Chinese for the last time for a bit, and coming back with a bottle of beer I didn't want, and dried squid I didn't need. I'm never doing whisky again.

Photoshoot

A relatively early 8.30am start to get everyone washed and ready for the photoshoot. I went out to get the kids' breakfast from the dou jiang place before Tan decided she wanted to eat something different and took Xixi out to the place across the road. I decided to carry, rather than wear my suit, partly due to the heat and partly due to the fact that I'd look like a complete wally, especially on the dian dong che. I probably still looked half a wally with it hanging on my left hand fingers while Leilei sat in front of me and I used my right hand to accelerate and steer. It was the scorchioest day so far where you broke into a sweat just using your brain, so I tried to turn mine off. I supposed it worked as I totally forgot to take my smart shoes with me.

Although looking forward to it I was crestfallen when Tan said it would take five hours to complete. Five hours meant starting work late, finishing late, and no chance of a siesta. I turned my brain back on and realised these were once again first world problems. It did get a bit hotter though.

Tan sat down to be made up and, somewhat to my chagrin, so did Xixi. But it's a special moment I suppose and women like to be made up. What I hadn't realised that it was then my turn. I have never ever had foundation applied in my life, and wasn't ready for the effect it had. At first I looked literally like a corpse with my shirt and suit and even paler face, but the woman somehow managed to blend it in a bit more and bring some life to my face, at the expense of a couple of spots. At least my suit got a free clean after four years of hanging in our cupboard in the vain hope of being used for business reasons here.

Tan then made an entrance resplendent in a western wedding dress. Xixi had her fancy dress, and Leilei had far too short trousers and high boots in order to hide the fact that his shins would otherwise be showing. I was given a bow tie and slip on shoes with no back - a good idea as even my smallish 8.5 feet would not have fitted otherwise.

The photographer then came and made us take all kind of unnatural poses but I'm sure some of them must have been ok. The kids were pretty good really and didn't need Tan trying to translate most of what the photographer was saying. He referred to me as "shuai ge" which means "handsome boy", which coming from a woman is ok but not from a bloke. We changed to non-wedding "formal" gear, then our own informal gear. Thankfully it was 90 minutes shorter than five hours but it was pretty tiring. When the kids started to flake I made jokes about "scissor spoons", and how you shouldn't use them to eat Shredded Wheat. It kept them smiling for a good half an hour before it started to wane. I then had to straddle the chair and stick my non-thumb fingers out of the bottom and call out "eight willies". That really got them going again despite Tan's disapproval. The photographer was blissfully ignorant of our silliness, and luckily didn't catch me doing rabbit ears on him when he was taking pictures of the kids. I hope the smiles are worth it. Chuan Chuan was there most of the time and took a couple of photos so we should have an idea of what the final versions will look like.

Wedding attire (not sure about the kids)

Xixi and flower - the pose as fake as the flower but still....

Tan in evening wear

Mr Eight Willies

She took the kids afterwards and Tan and I went home to remove makeup and clothes. Although I hadn't expected it we both fell into a siesta for an hour or two, which was nice. Tea was at Waipo's as is pretty usual now, but I came back soon after to work.

Tan called to say A Heng couldn't get a car to drive to Nanning, so we would share a taxi instead. What? Why not the train I wanted to take in the first place, or at least a coach? Because taxis are faster. Oh yeah by how much? And do trains get stuck in traffic jams? Nanning has become blocked up with traffic in the recent years and it's a real pain to drive there now. But for 100+ kuai we could sit in an old small car driven by someone who just wants to get there as fast as possible with little regard for safety. Oh, but apparently there would be somebody at the taxi rank to take me to the airport. Yeah, probably another taxi. Being left to one's own devices, even for a middle-aged man, does not seem to compute here.

My nemesis, Mr Lu the teacher, had left a note with the security to call him. He must have seen me some time. Funny, as I somehow avoided him last year. As he had written a note I thought I'd better call him, so I did and wished I hadn't. His manner was as cheerful as it was desperate, and his English hadn't improved. I tried to get a word in about leaving tomorrow for London but he didn't seem to understand, and insisted that I come to his school by 11am the next day. "You come my school tomorrow, ok? Good! 11 o'clock my school.", "I have to leave for London tomorrow", "11 o'clock ok! Tomorrow morning call me", "Ok I'll call you". I didn't have the heart to say no in Chinese as it would have been a double blow to him. Soon after I found out Awl had booked flights to Toulouse from London for Wednesday so I'll be taking that day off work and going to le Pago. Well, that made up for my call with Mr Lu.

At 11pm I called Chuan Chuan to see where kids were and told them I'd go for bbq and could pick them up. But it turned out the kids were too tired so slept with her instead. So with a bit of freedom on my last full night for a while I rang Haiwei to come around, also Li Kun as Lu Hai couldn't make it. We ate and drank till nearly 1am, making 24 cans in total, plus about three portions of bbq for a few people including women. It came to a total of 240 kuai and I was allowed to pay again as I had invited people. Good memories that I hope will serve me till I get back.

I took the long way home on the dian dong che, partly to get a big breath of Pingguo, and partly to cool down a tad. At home I managed to chat with Mat about meeting up on Saturday. It may be possible as I'm due to arrive at Heathrow at 9pm. What I'm feeling like at that time I have no idea. My last night ended up at gone 4am in the end due to contact with the UK. This time in Leilei's room as both the kids were out.

Glad about Gladiolus

Got up rather late, only half an hour before A Wu called me at 11.30 to eat lunch. Fair enough, I went round to the place near my tea table place to find him sitting alone with a large bowl of soup and about two dozen empty plates, smaller than tea saucers. He barked at the server to bring mine and I got the same large soup bowl with water-looking soup, and loads of tiny plates with bits of meat, veg, leaves, and one with four raw eggs about the size of quail eggs. He helped me put everything in, plus a bowl of noodles. The noodles were unnecessary as the rest was more than enough. I wondered why they didn't just serve the soup with all the stuff already in, but didn't ask as I found it more fun doing it myself, having some sort of control.

My soup with all its additions

Of course we didn't have any beer with the meal but I did remember to pick up a six pack when I got near home. I was really disappointed when the woman charged me 30 kuai as I know they're normally 18-21 kuai, and being ripped off just doesn't happen here. Maybe she wasn't from Pingguo, but she's lost a customer. Of course I didn't question the price.

After some work I needed a break so took the therapeutic option of going to a piano place to practise. I went to the one I hadn't been to before as the normal one was closed. The door was slightly ajar but it didn't look open either. Then I noticed it was to re-open at 3pm and it was just 2.45pm, so I caught the woman's eye and asked if I could have a tinkle. Of course I could, so I plonked myself down and had a really good hour of proper practice despite a couple of stuck keys and the fact that more people came to play after 3pm. Unfortunately the fan kept blowing the music off its holder so I couldn't learn the last part of Gladiolus Rag, but that was probably a blessing in disguise as I can't really play any of it properly so it made me focus on the bits I could at least remember the music for.

Apparently my idea to take the train to Nanning to fly to London was not ok by Tan or anyone else I'd spoken to. It seemed great to me; I'd arrive in time for lunch and I'd call Vincent, who was keen to meet me in Nanning and we'd go for a bite and a beer before I set off to the airport. But oh no, Tan rang A Heng to take me in a car, as he wanted to go to Nanning too. Or was it they wanted to know where I was at every minute, because that's what it often feels like here? That was the main reason us lads went to Beihai last year, just to avoid being under the microscope of people who knew us. It's hard to explain to people as it sounds rude, but I did explain to A Wu a few years ago and I think he understood.

Before tea Tan asked me to get a portion of chilli snails as she was not going to eat because she wanted to be hungry before going out with her mates to eat at the big company. 6 kuai seemed very reasonable and they were blooming hot in both senses that don't mean good looking.

After tea we decided to go to a professional photo place to ask how much it would be to get some done as a sort of 10 year anniversary thing. After baulking at the options of 3498 and 2988 kuai, we settled on a more reasonable 988 kuai that would give us four framed photos, one of which would be too big for any non-business class suitcase. As luck would have it they had a session available tomorrow at 10.30am. So, a 200 kuai deposit later and we were booked in. I cast a few glances at the various wearing options they had on offer and asked the woman helpfully if it would be a good idea for me to bring my own suit. She looked me up and down a bit and smiled and said that would be a good idea.

As I hadn't spent that much of the day at work I did so until 10.30, at which time I succumbed to a call from A Wu and A Ni to go and have a bite to eat opposite Waipo's house, before picking up the kids and bringing them home about midnight. Tan was asking why the kids were up so late. I think they're up at this time most nights. Anyway I'm working till quite late most nights so I think it's ok to be with them later if they're not tired. Unfortunately I wasn't that tired either and didn't get to sleep till well after 2am.