Goodbye China for a few days

I woke up at 6am after three hours’ kip and feared closing my eyes would be an expensive mistake so got up and went for breakfast. Normally for breakfast in a cheap hotel in the UK you would at least be able to find scrambled eggs but here it was just noodles and other stuff I have just not got used to eating for breakfast. No meat but there were boiled eggs at least. And no coffee, which really got me annoyed as Chinese tea is an afternoon drink. So I didn’t stay long and walked the three minutes to the airport bus place and ended up at the airport at 9.35am for a 12.30pm flight. As it was, the woman at the desk was clearly new and everything took ages.... By this time I was really starting to need to go to the loo in a way I’ve only ever felt in Pingguo before. It got to the stage that it was so painful I asked if I could go then come back but she didn’t answer. I was too embarrassed to ask again but nearly ran there instead. Finally after copious phone calls the boarding passes materialised and I walked as straightly as I could to the closest loo that I had been eyeballing for 20 minutes.

Of course once inside I went for the first door that showed it had a normal loo rather than a squatter, but in there the door didn’t lock. The next one’s seat had gone AWOL, and the same for the third. After that it was just squatters. So I went back to the first thinking that the embarrassment of having the door opened on me shitting was less worse than my shitting myself outside. I put my heavy carry-on bag against the door to stop it opening of its own accord, and this seemed to do the job as I relieved myself of the effects of Nanning bbq.

I took my time to rise

Then I realised I could actually lean over a bit and hold my hand against the door lest someone should still try to open it, and got a bit of merriment from the warnings written on the door. All in all one of my better Chinese public toilet excavation moments.

The lounge at landside at Nanning has the main advantage of having its own security, effectively being a fast track channel with a nice waiting area. As there was no reason to wait around in the lounge, and there is now one on airside I just went through security there. I found the new lounge and to my expectation there was no booze in the fridge, as seems the way for any airport in China now that is not Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou. But at least I was flying to Guangzhou, and it was still the morning. No sooner had I sat down and seen a Westerner for the first time in a while, than annoyingly my flight was called, so I grabbed a couple of bottles of the least sugary fizz I could find and went to board.

A couple of hours later I was in the shiny new part of Guangzhou’s T2 building. The next flight was at 3.30pm and I’d pretty much resigned myself to missing it, given I’d have to go through immigration. My main concern was that there was no other direct flight to Toronto so it could mean stopovers, meaning more time and more landings, which I don’t like, after having just had one. But the flight here had taken off 10 minutes early and the shiny new terminal didn’t have any queues so by about 2pm I was in the right area. I even had time to visit the lounge. Well, it was true I had time but when I got there I found my card wasn’t valid there. The bloody terminal was so new Priority Pass hadn’t set anything up yet according to the woman at the desk.

Damn, I’d had three hours’ sleep, just got off a flight with a bit of stress about missing a connection, and now couldn’t have a customary G&T before a 15 hour flight. I did at least grab a bottle of Bombay Sapphire for the other side, and noticed they had Esse cigarettes, a reminder of Beihai with the boys in 2013...gosh was it already five years since then? I sent a picture of the fags to Andge and Awl and for some reason they were both up and said to get them. They also advised me to go to a cafe or shop and grab a beer - an idea I hadn’t entertained as I was 98% sure I wouldn’t find anything. But to my surprise I was able to get a can of Qingdao (miss-spelt “Tsingtao” on the cans) for 10 kuai.

Esse

Tsing-tao - actually a Wade-Giles transliteration so not really miss-spelt

With that my flight was called so I finished off and went to queue. But it was one where the queue hadn’t started moving and was massive, so I sat down at a small fast food place where to my surprise they also had Qingdao, but this time for 11 kuai. I didn’t argue, and enjoyed watching the queue not move while getting jealous glances from some of the people in it. Then I realised I’d need a wee so found the bog next to a small shop which also had beer! I got one for the journey and to use up spare change. 15 hours was about three more than what I’d done before but the lack of sleep with a couple of beers and some Phenergan allowed nearly half of them to be slept through. Though it was a particularly turbulent flight, the drug of tiredness ushered away many of the concerns that normally accompany it.

The route pretty well went over the top of the world, narrowly avoiding the arctic

Sweaty backs and off to Nanning

Yang Haiwei had told me there was a ping pong competition this morning and indeed it was true. I turned up at 10am as had been asked and was clearly one of the first. As I arrived there was a carload of people looking foreign in the sense that they didn’t know where to park. I was about to shout to them that they could park anywhere they wanted when Haiwei came and shouted the same thing before me. They were the team from another town an hour or so outside Pingguo.

As not all had turned up I managed to get quite a bit of practice in with locals and non-locals. To my shame I didn’t recognise which were which and knew that for the locals I’d probably played them before and should really have known them. So I kept any conversation focused on the game itself and not idle chit-chat, until one of them let it slip they were home or away. Although I’d brought a bottle of water with me that was gone within minutes, and within just a few minutes more I was gasping in the 10:30am heat. I found a water dispenser only to discover it had been a long time since it had dispensed any liquid. Then I asked someone, who pointed to this same water dispenser, and I nearly had a go at him. Then someone else motioned towards a cardboard box. Or maybe he motioned toward it. A bit like while or whilst, but whereas I am a “towardser” rather than a “towarder”, I am a “whiler” rather than a “whilster”. I suppose it doesn’t matter but I’d like to be consistent.

But what was within that box was loverly...bottles and bottles of crisp cold water, and I cherished the few seconds of relief one gave me, despite the head pains from drinking too fast. I grabbed another and was up for a bit more practice.

As I was enjoying myself I decided to stay another night in Pingguo rather than go to Nanning tonight for the plane tomorrow. But at 3.51pm I checked online to find there was no early train so thought bugger I’d better get one tonight after all. I had the app Ctrip on my phone so it was easy to book a hotel in Nanning, but the train tickets, although as easy, wanted an extra 30 kuai on top of 45 for ticket as a booking fee and I said “no!”.

For the £3.50 or so it was I should have said “yes”, as I had to call Tan to find where I could buy train tickets. She exploded into a rage that translated as “why are you buying stuff last minute you can’t buy tickets at this time are you stupid?” But I’d checked there were plenty of spaces on Ctrip, not to mention plenty of trains these days - I’d planned to get the 8.38pm but there was another train seven minutes later if necessary. That didn’t seem to go down too well. It was impossible, apparently, and that was that. Ok it was my fault for asking her as she’d probably not bought tickets in the last few years (despite having told me there was a place opposite our house that sold them). I made my excuses at the ping pong competition, and rode out under the heavy skies to find the ticket shop. I got to the parade of shops just as the heavens let loose and I jumped to the shelter of the first shop I came to. It was a pet shop. Not the most likely to sell train tickets, so I took a chance and went next door to a...well an establishment of some kind, and it didn’t sell animals. I walked in and asked if I could buy a ticket to Nanning, and instead of looking at me like I was a wally, the woman just said I should go two doors down. I duly did and found a place with a big freezer in the front selling lollies, and a cash desk surrounded by a metal cage. I had no idea where I was but asked if I could buy a ticket to Nanning and they said of course and a show of my passport later I had the 45 kuai ticket in my hands. Yes, I’d saved 30 kuai, at the cost of an extra journey, an angry woman, and now getting completely soaked on the 30 second journey home…. Will I learn from this? No.

At least Tan had told me we were to meet with her friends and some of their husbands at 5.30pm at some restaurant not far from ours. So I did the soaking journey home as it was already 5pm and I hadn’t packed. Packing took no time, but I needed some provisions for the route, and luckily the rain had subsided so I rode to the local chau shi and got some stuff and liquid refreshment. By the time I was home the sun was back out and it was pretty blooming moist outside in more ways than one. I reckoned the restaurant was a 15 minute walk away and could not justify taking a san lun che such a short distance, so walked with my backpack and large suitcase. A block later I’d already regretted the decision, as my back was already soaking. It would have cost me all of 5 kuai to take a san lun che. Will I learn from this? Actually I’m thinking I bloody well will now.

The new (at least for me) underground shopping mall where you can escape the weather, but also the charm, of Pingguo

It was good to catch up with a load of Tan’s friends after a year, and some of the dads who seemed to come and go. I commented on how the kids were getting bigger and realised I was sounding like a grandparent. It got to 7.30pm and Lao Pan said she’d take me to the station, which although I was grateful for, I wanted to put off for half an hour as the train wasn’t till 8.38pm. But everyone seemed to agree that you couldn’t take a chance as there would be queues etc. So after saying my goodbyes to the kids and friends I got into Lao Pan’s car and five minutes later was being let off at the station. I did appreciate it really.

Although the journey was only 45 minutes, I thought it would be reasonable to get a beer for it, so went to the new shop just outside the station. But to my dismay although there were fairly expensive fruit juices there was nothing in the way of beer. I even asked at the till and the lady confirmed that. I also had the wherewithal to ask if I could get a beer inside the station and she replied in a similar negative. Rather than asking why, I walked out knowing that there was nearly an hour before my train and not a single person in the security queue to get in the station.

So I walked down past the poor san lun che drivers. Poor because now Pingguo, among (or amongst) all other places in China, is now covered by Didi Che, a sort of Uber that is incredibly convenient and paid for via WeChat. Almost everyone I know uses it now, and has the advantages of air-con and proper cover when it’s raining. Damn I’ll really miss san lun ches when they eventually go. I walked past them as I was looking for a “normal” shop to get a beer from, but there was none. So I ended up at a restaurant and asked for one there. They only had Snowflake but at 8 kuai I wasn’t going to argue, and with 45 minutes till my train I wasn’t going to bring it with me. The bloke brought me a chair and I sat watching not a lot really...just some old bloke that ended up being the boss’s dad, and had a short conversation with him. But it whiled away the time until I decided to get into the station. Security should have been a breeze but they spotted something in my suitcase. I was worried it was the glass bottle but they said no it was something else. We kept digging in and didn’t find anything so they gave me a nice comment about my Chinese and I was on my way. I did make use of the internal shop to get the least sugary drink I could find to mix with the stuff that was in the bottle in my suitcase.

As I was waiting for the train I saw to my dismay that it had been delayed by 12 minutes. Then I heard some English words and a young bloke standing next to me was asking me something. It turned out he was working in exports and I suppose just wanted an opportunity to speak some English. We managed a reasonable conversation and I made sure not to language-bully him, just occasionally changing to Chinese when it was obviously difficult. We left with a shaken hand rather than exchanging WeChat ids for a change.

At Nanning the underground seems to be working now, but how I got overground to the hotel 40 yards away I couldn’t fathom. I ended up walking a good 200 yards to the left and the same back after finding somewhere to cross the bloody road. I wouldn’t have minded but by now my dry shirt was once again sweat-ridden. Sadly, the highlight of the day was the conversation with the hotel receptionist (a bloke), who spoke to me from the start in Mandarin and I really appreciated it. As it wasn’t too late I went for a walk to Zhong Shan Lu but wasn’t in the mood to force myself to find someone to eat with there, so headed back and found a small pavement bbq with three ladies with a baby eating there. I was quite impressed that the mother of the child was openly breastfeeding, though I turned away as soon as I saw she was, and realised I may look like something of a pervert having chosen to sit opposite them. But I was stuck waiting for my bbq so got my phone out and focused on that. It was a good bbq but disrupted by a huge spider clambering past me on the wall. As there were ladies present I contained myself as much as I could and didn’t make much of a noise. But I stuffed the last of my bbq and paid up quickly to make it back to four walls and a ceiling.

There were loads of yellow and orange bikes (I mean yellow bikes and orange bikes, not multi-coloured) strewn about littering the pavement...apparently some bike-sharing thing but they don't seem to be looked after at all

For some reason I didn’t sleep till 3 bloody am.

Hot foot wash leak

Up at 12.40, which was a bit later than I could really excuse, other than the fact I was on holiday. Except that I had to catch up on work for most of the rest of the day. But in the evening one of Haiwei’s friends pinged me to go and eat with them...I’d met them last year at Haiwei’s reunion so thought “why not?” of course, so went to their shop, the coordinates of which they’d send on WeChat. I tried to work out what they actually sold there, and worked out it was something between beauty products and medicine. My bullshit feelers started tingling but I thought better of it, and some woman started cooking just outside the shop on a stove, and we drank tea inside the shop to the accompaniment of air conditioning.

Damn I still have two bottles of whisky I need to give away...

It was actually quite a nice meal, especially the fried sweetcorn, and refreshingly no beer. It also gave me the opportunity to chat with new people, and people who didn’t really know me so couldn’t “translate” local language to a version of Chinese I understood.

Later in the evening I noticed a foot wash/massage place opposite, and asked if it was any good. They said the one next door but one was new, but better. Then they said that they hadn’t actually been to the one next door but one, so they decided we would go to one that was tried and tested some distance away. It was late and it looked like they were closed but we’d called them and they were expecting us. Oh the water was boiling and I looked like a right wimp when I could barely put my feet in. But the ladies working there laughed and said I should not move my feet. I’ve had a few foot washes here but never had that advice. And strangely it sort of worked. At least when I tested the strategy by moving my feet it was torture so I managed to keep as still as a statue.

It was a lovely experience once I’d learnt to keep me feet still, and they did a full body massage for around half an hour until I heard a bit of a scream. It turned out one of the women working there had left the tap on since we arrived, and the place was nearly flooded. We had to wait a good 10 minutes while they dried it up, but it was a pretty funny interlude to a sort of weird evening I hadn’t been expecting.

Cleaning up after the overflow at the foot wash place

Abandoned hotel and dog

Jeepers what’s with my body clock? 4am and I was awake after three hours’ kip. Actually I was able to be a little useful for work which was good. Then I grabbed the glass of 0 calorie lemonade I’d poured before going to bed before realising it was no longer 0 calorie thanks to the smidgeon of vodka I had poured into it thinking it was a good idea at 1am. “Sod it”, I thought, as I’d already had half of it. I sipped the rest of it expecting to be back asleep at 4.30, but of course that didn’t happen. So I did a little more work and went out for a jog soon after 7am. I stopped off at Lu wen’s to drop off my bag of table tennis bat and money and keys, and said I’d be back in a bit.

I set off on a circuit of the guangchang and had got no more than halfway when I came across my friend Yang Liangwen who put his hand up to say “halt!”. He’s the one who now doesn’t really like running, and he told me we’d walk together. I was in no mind to argue, and we spent the next half an hour walking and chatting. We were both postulating about how to deal with the 15 hour flight I’ll be taking as part of my journey to Toronto on Sunday. I must admit I’m not looking forward to it at all, but work beckoned.

Bumping into Yang Liangwen

Then he left me to go to work so I managed a small jog back to Lu wen’s for breakfast, and again he would take no payment, so I sat outside watching the world go by in a cocktail of tiredness, semi-hangover, and humidity, not really caring what time of day it was. I went inside and watched an entire episode of Peppa Pig with Lu wen’s young kids before even realising it was in Chinese then I made my excuses and left. I half-heartedly went to the old people’s leisure centre but even though it was 8.15 there was no-one playing ping pong. So I just carried on walking for a bit before I got to Pingguo International Hotel. At least it was, and the building still is. But for over a year it’s been out of business and just left, as it was the last day it was open for business.

Another beef noodle breakfast at Lu wen's

There was no-one there so I walked inside the open doors. It was eerie. I walked to the bar I’d been to about 10 years ago where we ordered Cointreau and whisky (not mixed together) and I saw that there were still full wine bottles behind the bar. I climbed the stairs to the big reception area and found another bar with full wine and beer bottles behind it. If it hadn’t been for the pungent musty smell it could have been just an hour or so before opening time; the tables were dressed and the chairs laid out in four rows of three around them in 90 degree angles.

I felt I shouldn’t be there, but dared myself to walk up one more flight of stairs to where the guest rooms were. The musty smell got worse, and I started imagining there may be a room with something awful inside. I looked up and down the corridor and suddenly felt I was in that hotel in The Shining. But I pulled myself together and peeped into a couple of rooms. They were actually meeting rooms and again, there could have been people coming in the next few minutes as there was a projector and sound system there. But probably nobody had walked in here for 18 months. Except for a cat I met on a red chair who looked very comfortable indeed.

I made sure I didn't shinny

Lots of full bottles of booze I wasn't tempted to check

Devoid of life and reminded me of The Shining

Instructions that, if everyone in the hotel only understood English, would cause more harm than good!

It was a bit of a relief to go back downstairs and outside, though would have been less scary in a different state of mind. I walked slowly back home realising that I had time to do this, and this was my little luxury.

Back home the kids were still not up but I changed that eventually, and managed to get Xixi to go out with me to get some jiao zi for lunch, and brought some back for a lazy Leilei.

I really really needed a decent siesta and was just preparing for one when Tan said there was a bloke coming at “2ish” to fix the air-con in the main bedroom. 2ish in English means “around 2, probably a bit later”, but in Chinese means any time after lunch, probably today. So I was fairly confident in my siesta chances but this bloke rang the doorbell at 2.30 just as I was nearly dropping off.

I should not be ungrateful of course. We needed to get the air-con fixed. But he decided he needed to access the outside unit from my study, and for that he would need to go outside. I remembered when we got the air-con installed so many years ago, and the bloke attached himself to a rope. But as soon as I found the keys for the window bars, this bloke leapt out, and clambered over an existing air-con unit like it was an assault course, albeit 14 tall floors up. I could hardly look, except to take a couple of photos. But he identified, and fixed the problem, partly by blowing into the pipe coming out of the unit. I was very grateful and when he told me it was 60 kuai, and I only had 100, I told him to keep the change, and to my great surprise he actually did.

Clambering

Walking over to our air-con to suck out the problem - the man does not get paid enough!

In the evening I was out with the kids when Lu wen texted me to eat dog as one does. I responded back “好的” as one does too. I had the kids with me and I knew they wouldn’t be particularly fond of dog, but Tan was out so didn’t have much choice. Dog. If only we ate dog in the UK or Europe we’d have probably found a euphemism for its meat like “pramb”, as a much more (cr)edible word than pig, sheep, cow, or dog. But to be fair we still call duck meat “duck” and chicken “chicken”. I suppose we draw the line at quadrupeds. I like how the Chinese (and possibly others) simply use the algorithm meat. It’s simple and tells you what you’re getting.

Anyway we got to Lu wen’s place at 9pm and he wasn’t there which was a bit strange. But he turned up a few minutes later with a big bag of what can only be described as pramb in English, plus some side dishes of chicken feet. Plus 12 cans of Snowflake beer at 2.5%. I did my best to get the kids interested in eating but was never really expecting them to take to dog so we ordered some bbq for them. They loved playing with Lu wen’s little daughter, who took a liking to Xixi’s slime she’d just got from the shenme dou you shop earlier in the day. So I popped across the road to get her a pack, which kept her very happy for a long while until I realised my kids were getting bored and tired. As I’d barely started talking with Lu wen I said they could go home as long as they showered and went to bed, and took them back to do that. I got them to start showering and left them there to get back to Lu wen.

The kids with Lu wen's youngest and her new pack of slime

It was good to catch up with Lu wen. Even though we have virtually nothing in common, we’ve known each other for 12 years now so we didn’t need to force a conversation. I was more concerned that there was more dog that I was able to eat and didn’t want to waste it. But ultimately I was flaking...we’d managed eight of the cans between us and even though it was the equivalent of two pints of Stella in an English pub I couldn’t really face any more, so we agreed to finish two more cans before I went home shattered while receiving an admonishing IM from Tan that I’d left the kids on their own in the flat. What? They’re 13 and 10, both with working mobile phones, and I was literally within a 30 second walk home, not to mention they could see me out of the window….

Simon and Garfunkel at Lao Tong Fried Chicken place

Somehow got up at 10.45am after six hours’ sleep. The kids were up too. It wasn’t raining for a change so soon after breakfast I took them out for lunch at the jiao zi place. Then we drove to yi xiao to get more fake Lego before I dropped them off at A Xia’s shop as Tan had requested. I got home but 45 minutes later got a call to pick them up as Tan was going to her dance class. When I asked yesterday when her dance class was she said Monday and Tuesday 8pm-9.30pm. What she didn’t mention was that on Wednesday and Thursday she had classes from 3pm-4.30pm…. I won’t even try to get an explanation…. As I’d left the dian dong che charging I prepared to walk down by spraying some suntan lotion on myself for almost the first time in Pingguo, thinking the sun would make up for its lack of effort yesterday. However, after a couple of minutes the clouds took over again and I realised it was a bit of a waste.

Xixi in the foreground and Leilei in the background enjoying some jiao zi for lunch

It took a bit of an argument but I persuaded the kids not to take a san lun che for the three minute journey home, but walk instead. It nearly didn’t work out as it started to rain again, but we were near a supermarket and I needed a toothbrush so we went in and came out with a bit more than just a toothbrush; one thing I’ve still not worked out is the difference between shampoo, conditioner, washing liquid, and fabric conditioner, and I’m ashamed to admit I go by the brands that I recognise. So this time it was Dove shampoo (unless they do other stuff).

I’d promised the kids lasers as one does and re-justified not taking the san lun che by stopping off at the shenme dou you shop by our house where they were duly bought, along with a swimming costume for Xixi. I was very tempted to get a Chinese globe for 99 kuai but realised it wouldn’t fit in my suitcase.

Rain was promised for the afternoon and you could see it coming. That meant no going out for a while, so Tan ordered some takeaway duck which arrived 20 mins later and everyone ate decent portions. It’s the first time in years we’ve actually sat as four people around the dining table and actually dined.

After dinner Tan took the kids to see Waipo and I stayed at home as I remembered Li Kun said we were going to the guitar bar again at 8pm, but I wondered if that was really true. 8pm came around and he hadn’t contacted me so I thought I was let off the hook and grabbed a shower after a miserly 20 press-ups. But at 8.20 he messaged me to say he was coming to pick me up so that was that. I had a little practice of The Boxer as I had an inkling I might be asked to play later.

Indeed it was the same bar as late last night, and Li Kun’s wife and daughter and a friend were there. They offered me the stage and I told them to bugger off and “maybe later” and did a gan bei, realising that 2.8% was not going to offer much Dutch courage in half an hour or so. Li Kun’s mate then got up and tuned the guitar on the stage, before performing a pretty rendition of some Chinese ballad. I was offered the stage again but just pointed to my beer glass. So Li Kun got up and drummed his way through four songs very well. But I still hadn’t drummed up enough courage, so the original bloke got back up and did another Chinese ballad.

Li Kun's wife and charming daughter, Ava (as I named her a few years ago)

Ok, why should I need to have a bellyful of beer for knocking out a couple of tunes to an audience of no more than 15, half of whom were playing cai ma in the back table? I got up and grabbed the guitar gently. I noticed that without the capo it was slightly out of tune so spent a few seconds getting it up to scratch. I hadn’t got a plan, only I wanted to finish with Sound of Silence, as Paul Simon had done just the other week in his farewell concert in Hyde Park I had the great pleasure of attending. So I started with The Boxer...it’s quite well liked internationally I think due to the Lie la lie chorus.

Then I realised I was really getting into it...despite a bit of a shaky left knee, I was starting to enjoy being the focal point for most in the room and having four people filming me at the same time. I banged out my favourite Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard, followed by Mrs Robinson, before, a bit emotionally, finishing with Sound of Silence, and got a nice round of applause. The beer tasted much better afterwards than beforehand.

I was home at a relatively early 1am and it didn’t take long to get to sleep after that.