Toilet training fail and bumper cars

Leilei went to stay with his grandmother most of the day, as he has most of this week, which is nice and convenient…she is even toilet training him! I did try this two weeks ago. I refused to put on his nappy as no other children of his age here wear nappies. It didn’t take long before there was a load of poo on the bedroom floor, but I manfully cleared it up before washing him and immediately putting on a new nappy.

In the evening Tan and Xiao Wei went to their dancing class while I took Leilei out to the Guangchang to play. We went on the bumper cars, which until we got there had looked pretty tame. But as soon as we got on, all the other kids wanted to go as well, so all the cars were being used and there was lots of bumping going on…it’s not like an English fair where you’re discouraged from ramming into others. Well, Leilei didn’t complain.

In fact he complained bitterly when I went to take him home. The three wheeled taxis tried to rip us off as we were foreign but I wasn’t having any of it and told them in Chinese which shut them up!

Passports faff but nice face wash

We had planned that I would fly to Shanghai to get the tickets changed once our passports had the new visas, as posting would take up to five days. But when we rang the Baise police station to ask when the passports would be ready we were told that the man in charge of that process was in Nanning and wouldn’t be back until next week. With that spanner in the works Tan declared that we would have to go back on 28^th as originally scheduled. I was less pessimistic.

I got her to ring China Eastern and ask if they needed to see the visas on the passports in order to change the tickets. They said no, they just needed the passports. The Baise police station said we could take the passports and bring them back when necessary, so this morning Tan went to Baise while I nursed Leilei and my head in bed.

She was back at 2pmish, then went to post the passports and tickets to Shanghai, where her former boss said he’d be willing to receive them and take them to the China Eastern office to change them. Jolly nice chap. He even said he’d pay for them and we could pay him back when we get to Shanghai. So here’s hoping nothing goes missing, and that they get there on time, and that we can amend the tickets to next month, and that they get sent back successfully, and that we can go and get the visa done again. Any one of those fails and we’re up shit creek.

Horse Boss came and helped me fix the cabling in the house, so now I can get Internet in our room (no more disturbance from the ever-illuminated television). As I know Horse Boss quite well now, and as a gesture of thanks, I gave him a bottle of duty free Gordon’s Gin. He really appreciated it, but will have problems getting tonic water in this town!

In the evening Xiao Li and I went out for a “face wash”. This is the best face wash in the world. You lie down on plush fake leather beds while the lady first washes your hair and massages your head for about 20 minutes. Then she washes your face gently before giving you a nice face massage, which moves down to the neck and shoulders, and before you know it you’re on your front and she’s doing your back. The thing lasts and hour and it only cost £1.50! Must have been some sort of discount. Ahh…want to go back every day.

Leilei deciding he'd rather watch tv than go out for a head wash

Much better prawns and more tea/KTV

Diarrhoea is called la du here. It means something like spicy stomach. Luckily it is relatively common and they have pretty effective medicine so I was ok by the morning.

Tan and Xiao Wei have started going to Latin dancing classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings. I was invited to join them but politely declined saying I needed to look after Leilei.

So while the girls were away, Xiao Li and I went to eat at a local porridge place. They actually serve more than porridge (by which I mean squidgy rice with nice stuff in it rather than the sweet stuff we have for breakfast). We had some fantastic prawns and other delights. A couple of Xiao Li’s friends turned up, then another, then Horse Boss (the business partner who owns the computer shop) and his wife. We all got rather merry playing cai ma and this time I lost more than I won. The girls turned up later for their rations before I was told that the men were going to “drink tea”. Oh no, not again. But not wishing to appear impolite, I accompanied them to the same KTV bar as before and drank tea and beer and sang till two late in the morning.

Horse Boss and his wife

Me with some mates (Leilei and Xiao Li on the right)

Up Horse Head mountain before tea with Horse Boss then poor prawns

Went for lunch with the wife and kid at the cousins where her mum’s staying. Afterwards I went for a walk on my own up the mountain path. It’s not really the thing to do at 2pm on a 35 degrees plus day in the sunshine, but I really wanted to get a couple of shots of the view that I could stitch together; one of Xiao Li’s friends makes signs for advertisements and said he could print out such a photograph for me.

So I bought a couple of bottles of water and made the trek up to the top, pretty much drenched when I got there. I met a couple there with whom I engaged in conversation for about half an hour and shared their oranges. It was one of those conversations that do your confidence in Chinese no good. I understood less than half they were saying and had to ask them to repeat themselves on numerous occasions. Still, they were very friendly.

It’s just one of those things about staying in a place where the majority of people speak the local lingo amongst themselves…it doesn’t really help your Mandarin that much…oh well, I’m not complaining!

I went to the top of the pagoda on the mountain and enjoyed being by myself for nearly the first time in two months.

A picture made from two pictures of the view from the Horse Head Mountain.

At the bottom of the mountain I popped in to Xiao Li’s friend’s computer shop (his name is Ma Tao but because he’s the boss everyone calls him Ma Laoban – literally Horse Boss). I was invited upstairs where we drank tea with the boss of the curtain shop next door for three hours solid. This time, maybe because I already knew Horse Boss, the conversation was flowing and we were talking about eating and drinking culture, and that how in England people bought rounds as you have to pay each time you order…they find that sort of thing really interesting. We all found it amusing that neither of them knew what Chinese year it is (it’s the dog). Anyway we all had a lot of fun (and only tea, not beer), so my confidence in my Mandarin was somewhat renewed.

In the evening Xiao Wei, Tan and a fat aunty went to the bbq place. I noticed some friends as we entered and went to sit with them for a glass and a bite. This time there was lamb and dog, plus some prawns that tasted…not very prawny. Tan came over a few minutes later telling me I shouldn’t eat with strangers – I explained that they were my friends and that Xiao Li was coming anyway, but she didn’t look convinced. Well Xiao Li came and we had some food with the girls before going back to chat with our mates. However I started to get a very dodgy feeling in my stomach. The kind that requires a visit to the toilet. I told them I needed to go and they said I could use their loo (they own one of the places at the bbq). I didn’t really have time to explain that I couldn’t crouch, so I went anyway and pretended. By then it was getting worse so I ran out, bid a quick farewell and got the closest three wheeled cab to take me home where I made it just in the nick of time.

Apparently it was the prawns, even though I only had two.

Visa "extension" faff

The other day I suggested to Tan that we might be able to stay a here a little longer if we could change the flights and get renewed visas. She said yeah that would be good, so this morning we went to the Pingguo police station to see what we could do. First we got some passport photos done at great expense (although Leilei looks particularly good looking in his) and filled in two copies each (Leilei and me) of the application form. Then we went back to the police station only to be told we couldn’t get the visas done there – we had to go in person to Baise (for the third time in a month in my case).

Handsome young man

So, Xiao Li borrowed his sister’s husband’s car, picked up a mate who also happened to need to go to Baise, then Xiao Wei, Tan, Leilei and I all piled in the back of the tiny Chevrolet Starlet (about the size of a Nissan Micra. There was actually rather a lot of leg room in the rear, partly thanks to the fact that the bloke in the front was short, and partly due to the tiny boot this car has. Thinking about it, this is quite a practical arrangement…how often have you had your knees dug into the back of the seat in front while the boot has been nearly empty? Well I have plenty of times in the UK but I am 6’1”.

By 2pm we’d reached the police station in Baise, where interestingly half the cars in the car park were right-hand drive (see Saturday 14^th October). We went to the Visa Extension desk and the lady who dealt with us spoke reasonably good English. She interrogated me about when I arrived, where I’d been staying, how long etc… then asked to see our marriage certificate. I said that wasn’t necessary as the Chinese Embassy in London hadn’t required it for our visas. However, I’d ticked the “Visiting relatives” box instead of the “Sightseeing” box. Damn. So I said how about if I just tick the “Sightseeing” box instead, as I am sort of doing that as well. She said that would be ok, but that she would need to evidence that I had enough money for the remainder of the stay. “Ok, how much?”, I asked. “100 US dollars for each day”, she replied. Shit.

Well I didn’t have my marriage certificate, and I didn’t have my most recent (or any) bank statements, just my cards. Then I thought – this is ridiculous! It’s just an extension of an existing visa for which I had to show nothing but our passports and pay £60 – I wasn’t asked for all this when I did the same thing in Shanghai three years ago.

“Oh, but it’s not an extension”, you have a business visa. “No! it’s a tourist visa! That’s what I applied for”. But sure enough, on my visa (and Leilei’s) was the letter “F”. Well it’s not obvious, but “F” stands for business, and “L” stands for tourist in the visa world. So basically the Chinese embassy had screwed up, and no one had batted an eyelid when Leilei went through the customs on his business visa….

I just about held myself back from shouting some sort of abuse about the incompetence of the Chinese visa system, took a deep breath, and calmly looked at the situation. We had to apply for a new visa, not an extension, and we needed a marriage certificate or proof of having at least $3000 in the bank (I’m not sure if they accept overdraft facilities, but I wasn’t confident about it).

Leilei had come to the desk at this point, and the woman had softened a bit. I took out my wallet and gave her £100 and a wink and said I’m sure there’s some way we can sort this out….

No I didn’t, I took out two debit cards and a credit card and told her I had enough money, but obviously I didn’t have the statements. She said I could ask the bank to send them but I said I might as well get my mate to send my marriage certificate – it would make no difference, it would still be too late to change the tickets by then. So she said she would at least need a photocopy of the bank cards, and then see what could be done.

While she waited for someone else to come, the woman was inspecting all our passports and noticed that Tan’s first visa to come to the UK was a spouse’s visa, not a fiancée’s. I had to admit that the British consulate in Shanghai had made a mistake on the visa, and laughed about how easy it was to make visa mistakes while secretly feeling utterly relieved that I hadn’t vented my spleen a couple of minutes earlier about Chinese visa incompetence.

Well I don’t know if it was Leilei’s smile, or that fact that during this time I was introduced to one of the policemen who worked there who was a friend, but they said it should be ok just to take a copy of the cards. I wasn’t going to argue, although I didn’t know what value the copy would be other than being able to take my money. We will just have to wait a minimum of five days to get the passports back.

As we were in Baise we met up with Tan’s elder sister again for a slap up meal at a decent restaurant – the bees were brilliant, most of them freshly hatched!

Leilei trying on a field worker's hat in a nice restaurant.

After the meal we made our way to a local beauty salon where we had to remove our shoes and put on slippers by the brand name of “Knie”. Tan and Xiao Wei had their eyebrows plucked, and Xiao Li and I had a facial. Yes, I thought it sounded weird but it was very refreshing – facemask and all.

If you're going to make fake goods at least make an effort...

Very relaxing facial

Drinking out of a chemistry set and karaoke in 3 rooms

Went to a friend’s house for evening meal at 5pm. When we got there four of them were playing mah jong which, as far as I can tell, is a bit like rummy.

The food, when it arrived, was fantastic. I especially liked the tofu square pancakes, onto which you put some cucumber and spring onion, some sauce and some meat, a bit like Beijing roast duck. Unfortunately the only drink available was white alcohol, which I steadfastly refuse to drink (this was immediately remedied by ordering a crate of Li Quan beer). Amusingly, they drank the white alcohol out of what looked like measuring glasses from a chemistry class – they were conical and measured in cl.

The effect of drinking white alcohol from a conical tube.

To add to this, when my beers arrived, I was given another chemistry class glass but this time in the form of a beaker. I can’t remember what we used to call them in school, but they have a spout. The whole effect was quite weird – it only required a Bunsen burner and some test tubes and pipettes and I would have been right back in school. We actually drank very little, and got back 8ish at our house.

Today is Tan’s and my 3^rd meeting anniversary; I mean it was three years ago that I touched down on Shanghai and met the girl who became my wife. So I gave her a card. Unfortunately, Leilei wasn’t letting me write it very easily…then I heard Tan opening the door downstairs. Although I didn’t have a dictionary handy, I hastily finished the card in Chinese.

I should have hidden it and finished it properly. I managed to miswrite the character for “love” – and she made me write it down 100 times.

One of the people I ate with earlier invited us to go out to “drink tea” (a loaded expression), but we couldn’t get a babysitter for Leilei so Tan stayed at home as she was tired anyway. The tea place was of course a KTV place (Karaoke TV), and when we got there there were already about 15 people, some of whom I recognised. I was offered tea, and of course beer, from small glasses that you have to finish in one.

Drinking "tea"

After about an hour, I was whisked away to another room, where another 15 or so “friends” were gathered…they all took delight in meeting me and having yet another beer, and I did my party piece of singing Ni shi wo de mei gui hua much to their delight. After bidding goodbye I went back to the original room for a bit before being whisked away once again to a third room where there were another 15 or so “friends” wanting to meet me, and yes, share more beer with me (and yes, sing that song again). Well, actually it was a lot of fun…my Mandarin is coming on and I always manage to have a laugh with these people.

Enjoying the karaoke!

We got back at hmm….1ish?….but before we went to the house we stopped for some fantastic noodles really close to Xiao Li’s house. There were still a fair few people up at this time and it reminded me a bit of Spain…why not if the weather is good and you’ve had a nice siesta? Which is what I feel like having now….

Lovely late-night noodles

RHD car smuggling

I remember the other day asking Tan why there were a few right-hand drive cars around. She told me they were all smuggled in from abroad (Japan and Hong Kong I guess – they are all Japanese cars, and not new). I thought this rather odd. I mean if you’re going to smuggle a car in, it’s going to be quite obvious that it’s smuggled if the steering wheel is on the other side, even with blacked out windows. However, a taxi driver corroborated her explanation.

I think China won’t allow imported vehicles as they want to promote their home-made cars. And Japan has strict environment laws for cars, so they have to get rid of the older ones to somewhere.

Apparently, you can only smuggle in cars if you know someone in the police. And of course if you know someone in the police you aren’t going to get in trouble with the law for having a smuggled vehicle. Oh yes. Why didn’t I get it in the first place? In fact, you can see that it’s downright advantageous to have a right-hand drive car here – who’s going to touch you if it’s evident you know someone in the police?

Anyway, had a nice evening watching Premier League footy on the tv with a couple of beers.

Getting caned at badminton

Xiao Li and I went to play badminton again, where I met a local English teacher, whose English was quite good. I practised against him and was clearly worse, and when he said he couldn’t play badminton because he was too short it didn’t make me feel better.

Later, while Xiao Li was playing the pretty girl who works there, the English teacher suggested I play with one of his friends, which I did. I lost 15-3 after being 3-0 up and was effectively caned. I came off the court dripping – I had long taken off my top but my shorts were totally wet (from sweat). The English teacher said “ah…I see you are a beginner…your wrist is weak…cannot reach back of court…it’s ok…friendship first”. Oh, thanks, that’s just the encouragement I need…I used to think I was half decent in the UK. One reprieve though, I managed to break two racquets just from hitting the shuttlecock!

New table tennis place and snake blood and bile

Happy Birthday Andrew!

Xiao Li and I went to play table tennis at a new place – indoors. I think it’s a military related place but I can’t be sure. Anyway, they have four tables, although last time we came here there was no electricity so we couldn’t see a thing. This time though we were prepared. We had bought the most expensive bats in the sports shop. At 185 kuai each this was more than I would have paid in a UK shop (about £12), but Xiao Li said it was a present for me, and we walked out without paying (after I protested that it is protocol to pay for things you take in a shop he told me he knew the owner and that he would pay him the next day – with a discount of course).

I suddenly realised what a difference a decent bat makes. I played a fat bloke who was already there and the first few shots flew off my bat at various angles, rarely landing closer than a few feet from the table. Gradually, I began to tame the bat, and managed to start using the grip to my advantage – at least at serving. The fat bloke beat me soundly over the half hour we played. Then I played Xiao Li, who I managed to defeat comfortably mostly due to the fact he’d been practising with a woman who wasn’t that good. What pissed me off, was that as soon as he’d finished beating me, the fat man sat down and chain-smoked 4 cigarettes waiting for his next turn at the table.

Me losing at table tennis (the ball is behind the bench).

In the evening some of Xiao Li’s friends came around and we ate snake and various other goodies. During the meal the snake’s bile duct was put into a bowl of white alcohol (I think it was the bile duct – they explained it as being the thing the green stuff comes from when you’ve vomited so much that there’s nothing left in your stomach). A couple of hours later we were playing cai ma again – each person challenging everyone else in turn to a best of three match. It had the desired effect and most of them were pretty pissed by 9pm.

Then I was told we (the men) were going out to “drink alcohol”. Well at least they don’t mince their words. To my disappointment we drove to the same nightclub we took Leilei to a couple of weeks previously – and this time we didn’t have a private room. We sat in the thumping disco room with three Geishas/whores (still don’t know exactly) at our table encouraging us to play drinking games with them and giving us food and sparklers. I recognised two of them from the last time I was here. Needless to say I was a perfect gentleman made polite conversation and avoided drinking with them.

I don’t know how when I got home I had about 20 sparklers sticking out of the top of my trousers (they were unlit) – maybe the beer was a bit stronger there. Anyway – I was the one constantly looking at his watch asking to go back so I could watch the England match at 1am (at Croatia).

At the nightclub...I am doing my best to look indignant. All the women in the photo are Geisha.

What a piss poor match. I mean, at home against Macedonia we looked plain, but at Croatia we lacked any creativity and attack…and there was clearly no leader. Beckham has to come back if we are to have any hope in qualifying for Euro 2008.

A new-born and lots of babies with drips in their heads

Tan and I took Leilei to our cousins’ house where Tan’s mum is staying. A while later we got a call from one of Tan’s friends saying a cousin had given birth the day before to a daughter. So we left Leilei to buy a present and went to the hospital to see them. The mother looked fine and not as though she had been in labour 24 hours previously. The father looked fine too, although he hadn’t held the baby as of then.

The happy couple with their new-born

What shocked me was as we were entering the hospital there must have been 30 or more babies outside the entrance with drips attached to their heads. I even saw nurses putting the needles into them – a process that the babies didn’t seem to enjoy. Later I asked Tan why so many kids of all ages were on drips (it’s not just hospitals – there are plenty of clinics on the high streets full of young children on the drip). She said it was the quickest way of administering medicine. Simple as that. Why wait for tablets to be digested when you can put the stuff into the blood stream straight away. Fair enough I suppose. Oh yes, and the babies with the needles in the heads? Well the veins in the wrist are too small at that age…. Stands to reason really.

Fun on the rides in the guang chang

In the evening we went to the town square again where Leilei enjoyed himself on the rides, again. And again and again....

Leilei and Dada having fun on the rides

The Bees and the Birds

Leilei and I both got up at 11am and I went out to lunch at a place round the corner while Tan’s mum looked after Leilei. We ate with Xiao Li’s business partner, who then invited me to go to the iron ore place again. I said I had to look after Leilei, but as Tan’s mum already was I went anyway. We went all the way up the mountain to where the iron ore comes from and there was a great view from there.

Eerie house we stopped off at on way to iron ore place

Me with a couple of mates at the iron ore place

   

Back in town, we went to buy bee larvae as I had told them I was partial to it. They are actual living grubs when you buy them in the market. A slice of honeycomb-like thing sits on the table and they pluck out the larvae and put them into bags for you. From time to time, a bee hatches from one of the holes and starts walking around getting its wings ready for flying. As soon as this happens, they get a pair of tweezers and pick it up and put it in a bottle. For what purpose I have yet to fathom, but I imagine it’s something to do with food or drink.

Xiao Li also bought some wild birds, about the size of starlings, and cooked a great evening meal that wouldn’t be approved of by some people I can think of.

Some bee larvae in their homes. You can pull of the white fluffy bits and see the things wriggling inside. Occasionally one pops out as a fully fledged bee!

We bought a couple of bags of these...they are still moving at this stage!

Tasty birds...the funny part is when you hold the beak and bite off the whole head...it's quite creamy. The beak and the claws are about the only parts you don't eat (although the women didn't eat the heads for some reason)

After the meal Tan and Xiao Wei went for a hair wash while Xiao Li went for a hair cut. I took Leilei to the square where we had a good time in the fun house bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls around, before going to the supermarket to buy nappies and milk powder. Chinese supermarkets have far too many workers than is necessary. While it is sometimes hard to find anyone to help you find the aisle with Marmite in Sainsburys, there is someone there in every aisle in a Chinese supermarket. You are always being watched. And if you look like buying something they will often come and advise you – more often than not suggesting you buy the cheaper brands because they’re better quality. Another weird thing is that when you buy something a little expensive, like milk powder for £5, you can’t just put it into your basket. A woman comes and writes something on a slip of paper, which you then take to the till where you pay. Then you come back and give the woman your receipt and she will give you the milk powder and you can carry on shopping. Of course when you get to the till to pay for the things you have to find the receipt you got for the milk powder in the first place to show you’ve already paid.

Rubbish England vs Macedonia and rubbish beer

Up at 9am to do Leilei. Stayed in the house for most of the day before going to play table tennis in the evening. Met a bloke there who wanted to play me. We practised for a bit and I realised I was actually not as good as I thought. He could spin in all directions, smash and return smashes with ease. We then started a game and I won the first seven points as I managed to tame some of his spins. But then he scored a point, and then another…I feared losing 11-7 but boringly enough I beat him 11-3, probably because his eyes hadn’t adjusted to the light. He later beat me twice. We got his number and agreed to go and play inside some time where he would teach us how to play properly.

Leilei in a san lun che

After table tennis we met the wives and kids and went for a bbq of duck intestines, duck tongues and chicken legs. We got home at 11pm so I cracked open a couple of bottles of beer in preparation for the football at midnight (England vs Macedonia). Xiao Li had bought some “special” Blue Ribbon American beer but had forgotten to put it in the fridge, so we stuck to the cold Li Quan instead. After an abysmal game which echoed of lame Ericsson friendlies against poor opposition (we drew 0-0) I opened a now cold Blue Ribbon beer and it tasted weird, like really watered down whisky, but I had a couple of bottles with the bloke who lives downstairs anyway….

A selection of hitherto uncooked bbq

Mid-Autumn festival meals and cai ma

Today was the mid-Autumn festival in China – it’s the 2^nd biggest festival after New Year and occurs on the full moon. It involves families getting together and eating and drinking. Until recently train prices doubled at this time of year to take advantage of all those needing to travel to visit relatives, but the government mandated that train prices must remain the same through this time – something that is unimaginable in our privatised train companies.

In the morning Xiao Li and I went to play table tennis. After being used to playing in the dark, it was a great liberation to play in daylight, despite the heat. Then his wife’s mother called him to do the cooking for the evening meal. He is actually a very good cook. At 4pm we went to Xiao Wei’s parents’ house to get ready for the evening meal. Tan and Xiao Wei had forgone breakfast and lunch in order to be hungry enough to eat loads. At 5pm we started the meal which was excellent of course and would have been better if Xiao Li hadn’t put a massive chunk of extremely hot chilli tofu in my rice.

Having a nice family meal at Xiao Wei's parents' house

After a bit, I was challenged to cai ma again, and duly obliged. I did pretty well and succeeded in getting a couple of the blokes quite drunk!

Xiao Li beating one of the blokes at cai ma.

Me beating the same bloke a bit later on the roof.

We returned to Xiao Li’s house to prepare for the late evening meal. He cooked some crabs and I prepared a nice load of Pimms with an assortment of melon, kiwi, orange and mint, which was appreciated by all. I made it quite strong (not too much lemonade) and I think it had the desired effect. About 12 of us ate on the roof, accompanied by candles and incense sticks, with fireworks going off around us, and a huge moon in the sky.

On the roof of Xiao Li's house drinking Pimms and eating crabs and barbequed duck intestines

Then we started playing cai ma again and I lost enough to not remember what time I went to bed….

October Auld Lang Syne karaoke

In the evening Xiao Li and I went to play table tennis again. There were two other blokes there but we persuaded them to let us join in in winner stays on. The deal is if you lose the first three points you go, otherwise it’s the first to five. I did ok with my spins but I was later told that the others were letting me win….

From right to left: me, Leilei, A Da, Tian Tian, and two other friends

At 10.15pm Xiao Li got a phone call and then told me we were going to “sing song”. So we got a three-wheeled cab to drop off the bats at home (although not change clothes) and then turned up at a local KTV (karaoke TV) bar where one of his mafia mates was with a few juvenile friends. It wasn’t the most interesting of evenings and they made me sing a few songs…. Bizarrely out of the awful selection of English language songs (many of which are Chinese covers), they wanted me to sing Auld Lang Syne. Twice. Luckily the words were on the screen. They obviously didn’t have the video, so the words were superimposed over a five minute clip from an old English war film. Very appropriate – especially for early October. The karaoke computer gives you a rating for how well you sang when the song is over, and I got 100%! Xiao Li got 98% for his first song and I said that the computer must be broken, which made everyone laugh more than they should. However, even if you don’t sing the computer still gives a rating of 98% - I only got 94% for the Boyzone song Whatever – I only sang it because it was one of the few I knew…honest.

Got back home at midnightish and had two bottles and a relatively early night.

Multiple Taiping meals

I went out to a neighbouring village Taiping to visit the family of one of Xiao Li’s friends. Six of us went in a minivan that fortunately had air conditioning as it was already in the 30s by 11am. I was told it would take half an hour to get there, but it was nearer 2 hours as they didn’t take into account the dirt track we’d have to negotiate for the last leg of the journey. We had to get out of the van at some stages – why don’t they use Jeeps?

On the way we stopped off to get some water and I snapped a bull. There is something funny in this picture - can you spot what it is? Answer at the bottom.

Anyway we finally arrived, as had another vanload of people and beer and fruit. This area is pretty isolated and it doesn’t look like they have any shops for miles. They do have beautiful scenery in abundance though. Unfortunately the place stank of shit and decaying matter, and it was very dirty.

I was introduced to grandmothers and fathers, wives and other assorted relatives, then we sat down to eat the speciality – chicken. It’s meant to be the best because they run around the mountainside with fresh air and eat well. Personally I preferred the horse meat.

First meal with some of the family we ate with in Taiping

Half way through the meal I was told not to eat too much as we were going for another meal straight after. Oh no. I’d already had a late breakfast and was stuffed. They then told me we were to have a third meal straight after the second!

They weren’t joking. The second meal was in a neighbour’s house, but first I had to visit the toilet. I am just so grateful that I didn’t need a number 2. I nearly vomited when I saw what passed for a toilet in this place. I’ll leave a photo. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Toilet in Taiping - e xin

I only had a mouthful of chicken and some pork in the second meal.

Second meal in Taiping (Tan calling me to ask why so long)

They were having a fun time teaching me the local language, which differs from Pingguonese significantly despite being only 20 miles away. Duck is bek, pork is mo, horse is still ma, chicken is gai. See, I didn’t drink so much I couldn’t remember anything. I did try though, in order to not have to think about the smell. During the third meal, which was probably the best, the beer flowed more freely. Usually the blokes don’t drink just before or during the first few minutes of a meal because it hinders their eating, and stops them being so hungry. Well by the third meal stomachs weren’t empty so we starting playing the cai ma drinking game and although I felt like a couple of drinks I kept winning, much to the amusement of the onlookers. One bloke even had to start playing in Mandarin as he couldn’t really grasp the Cantonese numbers!

Third meal in Taiping (ladies enjoying a joke)

We then went back to the first meal’s house to catch up with those who hadn’t made it past the first hurdle. This may have had something to do with the fact that they were drinking homemade white spirits. In order not to appear rude I accepted a bit – from a porcelain spoon that they all shared – and I could quite happily live the rest of my life without another. It quite possibly could be used if you ran out of petrol but your car would stink for months.

Trying to get drunk but I keep winning (still got full glass)

We got home about 5pm, as Tan’s cousin Ling Ming (a bloke) was preparing for supper. He is a cook, so the food was pretty good although I didn’t manage to eat too much of it.

After the meal I put Leilei to sleep and stayed in to look after him while Tan and Xiao Wei went out to play. They came back at midnight, which gave me enough time to write some stuff down and consume a couple of beers when some more friends from earlier in the day came round to eat ye xiao – an evening snack. This time it was duck throats, peanuts, pig ligaments and pig penises again. Stuffed.

Funny photo answer:

Yes, the bloke is picking his nose! They often leave one little fingernail to grow. Now I know why.

Back from Baise to massage then nightclub

Everyday had been supposed to be the last day in Baise according to Tan, but today really was. Had a lie in till 8am then got delivered breakfast in the form of dumplings. As I was digesting them we went out for lunch. It was baking hot yet Leilei decided to play in the sun. Eventually we got him a balloon and he agreed to enter the restaurant, where we met up with the hotel owner’s daughter and son (the daughter is older, by four years) and a couple of other people. Had a really good meal, then a taxi turned up to take us back to the hotel and then back to Pingguo.

Apparently there were no train tickets available till 7^th October but I don’t believe that. I think they just liked to pay for the more expensive taxi like they paid for just about everything else including food and clothes.

In the evening we went for a massage for the third time in the last month. It is an hour of full body massage from head to toes, and usually women do blokes and vice versa. They really work hard on loosening your bones, although I couldn’t relax my neck muscles enough to have them crack.

This is what it feels like to have a woman walk over you (Xiao Li in foreground)

One of the best although more painful parts is when they walk on your back and legs; they have sort of parallel bars fixed to the ceiling so they don’t always put their whole weight on you.

She's enjoying it more than me



It's more comfortable than it looks

Leilei was with aunty Lin Hong who then rang to say she was taking him to the nightclub while Tan and Xiao Wei had their massages. So Xiao Li and I took a three wheel cab (they’re all red motorbike fronts attached to what looks a bit like a rickshaw behind) to some dodgy looking disco place where we discovered Leilei and aunty Lin Hong hadn’t yet turned up.

We met Tan’s pretty cousin who either has unfeasibly large pupils or is on drugs, who invited us in. The main bar was trembling to the beat of the crap music, and on the wall they beamed film of what looked like lingerie adverts from the 80s with slightly podgy Western women (by today’s model standards). Interestingly no-one was dancing, although I didn’t see a dance floor either; people were sat around tables drinking beer and eating nuts and pig penises.

I sat down with a group of her friends and was offered a tiny glass of 2.8% beer, which they already seemed to be drunk on (or it was drugs). I noticed that the three girls other than the cousin were quite dressed up while the blokes were in dirty tee shirts and weren’t particularly good looking. Then I noticed that the women all had badges on with numbers, rather like the waitresses in restaurants. They were smiling and playing dice games with the blokes and talking to them. I kept being offered drinks and cigarettes, but wasn’t particularly comfortable as I couldn’t work out if they were prostitutes or not. I suspect they were more like cheap Geisha’s employed to keep the men there spending money.

I certainly didn’t think this was the place for a one and a half year old, but I hadn’t realised that they had karaoke rooms upstairs so we went there where we met some more friends and sang till gone midnight as Leilei still hadn’t gone to sleep.

Leilei picking up nasty habits while daddy's head is turned

When we got back I had a couple of real beers before retiring and resolved never to return to that place (not with Leilei, anyway).

Beer for breakfast and rusty children's "paradise"

Up at 8 for a change and had breakfast on the roof of the hotel with the leftovers from last night’s meal…I think there was enough for a week of breakfasts. I even accepted a can of beer as I’ve not really had beer for breakfast before and I think it’s good to be decadent once in a while. Then the hotel owner and her husband, Tan’s sister and her husband (who arrived last night), Tan and baby and I drove to a dam a few miles outside Baise. It was actually quite pretty – but most of the scenery in Guangxi province is quite beautiful anyway. There was a children’s area called Children’s Paradise full of very rusty apparatus, which would get a thumbs down, by Health and Safety if China had such a thing.

Horrid rusty "Children's Paradise".

I don't think they employed a professional translator.

We bumped into Tan's brother's wife's brother and his wife and son. Family everywhere!

Had a nice meal by the lake that the dammed river runs into. One thing I have become partial to in Baise is fried bee cocoons. I’m not sure if that’s what they are, but they are the things baby bees are in before they hatch – and the best ones are the ones that were in the process of hatching when cooked (nice and crunchy). Apparently they are very good for your health too!

Beelicious!

Leilei enjoying sweetcorn soup from a straw - sometimes it's the only way to get him to eat.

Got back and had a poo and went to sleep for a bit with Leilei before being whisked away again for a lovely meal in another private room in another restaurant. I chose some locally brewed beer and the blokes who wouldn’t normally have gone for this (cheapish) choice both really enjoyed it and said it was refreshing. I said I chose it because I like to help the local economy, though I’m not sure that got me any brownie points. Leilei was very awake and quite annoying when Qi qi was eating so I took him out for a walk and to dazzle the copious young ladies waiting on us. He had just learned to say xie xie (thank you) and was busy showing off. He can now say “thank you daddy/mummy/brother” in Mandarin much to the pleasure of his proud parents. But his party trick is saying “bye bye” (the same in both languages) and blowing kisses to the pretty girls, which kills them.

After the meal we went shopping and got some nice shoes for Leilei that light up when you walk, while he did some more lady killing. Almost without exception every woman he passes turns around and says something like hao ke ai de (how lovely) and many take pictures of him with their camera phones. He steals all of the attention from me!

Leilei chatting up a pretty girl.

Baise breakfast and another raised toilet seat

Woke up after 5 hours’ sleep at 8am. Felt a bit groggy but changed Leilei then we went to a hotel at about 9.30am to have breakfast. Lots of it. The fried dumplings were particularly good, as was the tea – a blend of logan and red date and something else that was most refreshing.

Various cousins and friends turned up throughout the meal, as is becoming the norm, each of whom tried to get me to eat more and more.

I hadn’t been for a poo since arriving in Baise. It wasn’t that I didn’t need to, only I can’t do it while crouching. The first time I stayed in Guangxi three years ago Tan’s mum had to go out and buy a special raised seat that is usually used for the infirm after I hadn’t gone for over a week. The last time I came to Pingguo our friends, who had built a new house where we were staying, had installed a Western style toilet especially for me. So I asked Tan if she could go and get me one from Baise. She laughed (heartless woman) which made the other women ask what she was laughing about. Before I knew it they were all in hysterics about my aversion to crouching, and started telling stories about how when they went to a western toilet they couldn’t go and ended up crouching on the seat! I suppose it is a bit funny really when you picture it – it’s just that it’s not the usual topic of conversation around an English breakfast table.

After all that talk about poo poo problems Tan's sister looked like she needed to go herself...(she's the one on the left, the other is a friend)

I was stuffed and spent a lot of time playing with Leilei and Qi qi outside. Tan’s sister’s daughter had also turned up after having had to study till 10.30pm the night before. She is called Chuan chuan and is older than Qi qi (and from another marriage).

Chuan chuan and Tan. Spot the family resemblance.

Apparently if you are from the country and your first child is a girl, you are allowed to have a second child four years later. Additionally if your first child is handicapped you can also have a second one. How nice. I think it’s really all to do with the son staying at home to look after the parents when they get old – so a son is like a kind of pension whereas a daughter will just get wed and go away.

Brought Leilei back to the hotel by 12 and we both fell asleep while mama and her sister went to buy jade and clothes and get their face washed. Three hours later they were back and telling us Chuan chuan and Qi qi were waiting for us to go and eat. As it transpired, they weren’t…we went boring clothes shopping until I took Leilei and Qi qi to the park to alleviate their boredom. I had to call Tan to come and help us when they both became too annoying. We then made a move back to the hotel, where Leilei fell asleep again.

At least Tan had bought a raised toilet seat, having had to search all over town to find one, so I got some relief and was able to eat later.

We were supposed to go for a meal with Tan’s friend Li Quan, but then Tan’s sister rang to say she’d booked a table at a posh restaurant for us that evening. Then we heard that the hotel owner had already cooked for us – dumplings and all. In the end we had to blow out Li Quan and Tan’s sister, who came to the meal at the hotel. It was actually extremely good with turtle soup, prawns, bbq pork, duck etc….

At 8.30 Tan’s friend since childhood came round with her nine-year-old daughter. She is slim and tall and has short hair (the mother). She booked us a room in a KTV place (i.e. a karaoke room) where we all went after the meal. Leilei and Qi qi loved it, running around the place like kids in a karaoke bar. Leilei’s dad tried to get drunk on tiny glasses on beer and would have succeeded if it wasn’t for having to sing Sounds of Silence twice and Ni shi Wo de Mei Gui Hua again.

More people came during the evening, and whenever they sang they seemed to be very drunk although they weren’t. According to Tan it’s a kind of relief. Lord knows what they did before Karaoke….

Luckily you can't hear photos.

Got home after midnight and I watched the last ten minutes of Spurs beating Portsmouth on the telly before getting my laptop from the reception and writing this diary.

Train to Baise

Took the midday train to Baise to see Tan’s elder sister and other cousins. We were going to take a taxi but I said not to as I don’t trust the roads – especially taxi drivers who are only interested in doing the work as quickly as possible in order to get back and make more money. Anyway, the train is nearly an hour quicker and 10 times cheaper.

What we hadn’t counted on was how crowded it was; hundreds of students coming home from Nanning for the holiday season. October 1st is China’s national day, with October 6th being the moon festival this year – basically meaning the whole country is on holiday for a week. It took 15 minutes before some kid finally let me sit down (I was holding Leilei). Thankfully half way through enough people got off to allow us all to sit down, where Leilei was cooed over by the young female students (lucky git).

The ticket inspectors came (actually they were police), and told us we should have gone to the “comfortable” class car instead of the cheap one. Unfortunately to get there we would have had to pass through another seven cars filled up with people like cattle with all our luggage and a push chair. I said we’d be fine here – at least it was air-conditioned.

Upon arrival at Baise, we were met by Tan’s sister’s friend, who conveniently owns a hotel in the centre. Baise is like a county capital and a couple of times bigger than Pingguo. The people aren’t as nice, and they speak quite a lot of Cantonese there. The hotel owner’s brother-in-law accompanied us on the drive to the hotel. He is an English teacher, or at least claims to be. I couldn’t make out a lot of what he said, possibly down to a strange growth sideways over the front of his other top front teeth, and he understood less of what I had to say. However I did gather that the next day he would be going to Nanning to translate for some South American who was flying over to marry the English teacher’s classmate (maybe he meant colleague). God knows what the South American is going to be told.

Had a small meal at the hotel owner’s before having a shower and going for a walk with Tan’s sister. Half an hour later she disappeared to collect money from the casino she part owns (I gather). Apparently if she didn’t go on time she wouldn’t get the money which sounds strange. Anyway, she didn’t get back within the half hour she said, which made Tan angry, so back at the hotel she decided she wanted to go back that evening. In fact she was adamant, but I wasn’t having any of that and said we were at least staying one night here after that journey.

Then a cousin (I think it was an aunt) turned up at the hotel (they have a habit of doing that) and we soon found ourselves in a taxi looking for a place to eat. Tan was refusing to accept calls from her sister (fractious women can be so babyish). We arrived at a clean looking hotel (in fact it was only a restaurant but many like to call themselves hotels) and ordered our food. Minutes later both women were complaining that the food wasn’t ready. In fact they seemed to be moaning more than was necessary, but this appears to be normal here when in a restaurant – I think it’s just a way of showing off. Anyway, the food came and it was lovely. Then Tan’s sister and her son came and joined us, so there must have been some sort of communication going on.

We moved to a bigger table to accommodate the larger number of people, and the women set about complaining again to the staff (as per most restaurants, mostly female, dressed in lovely traditional green dresses, and far, far more of them than was necessary – I counted seven not including the beer server!). Tan’s sister (yes I’ve forgotten her name) even cancelled an order after it hadn’t arrived in 5 minutes.

Later we went for a walk in the park, which is huge. As it was holiday season there were various attractions for the kiddies. Leilei loved going on the cars – I had to let him go twice as he wouldn’t let me take him out after the first ride. I was with Leilei and Tan’s sister’s son (Qi qi) and the cousin while Tan was out shopping with her sister.

Leilei's favourite word is "car!"


He was only looking moody because he knew I was coming to take him off.


Back at the hotel a few more ladies came to Tan’s sister’s room, which was next to ours. These were friends I think, or maybe cousins, and mainly wanted to see Leilei. That suited me, as I went to the reception and picked up a couple of bottles of beer for 40p (expensive!) and settled down to watch the football which I did till 1am when a fault developed with the satellite and all they had was one shitty film with a pouting actress who looked like the one who played Lara Croft. Could have been worse I suppose.