Food and Poo Tea

Despite no kids sleep was once again fractured so much that I didn't bother getting out of bed till 9ish and left Tan while I had a coffee and bit of breakfast to wash down my back medicine. At midday Tan went out to meet A Xia, and a bit later I stepped out of the house to find a bite to eat myself. I had the idea of going back for a nap later so considered getting some jiao zi from the local shop but instead gave Haiwei a ring to see if he wanted to eat too. "Have you eaten yet?" is what is usually used for "hello" here, so by the time we'd both said "hello" to each other I no longer needed to ask if he'd eaten, which somewhat shortened the conversation. He hadn't and bade me come to his office for a quick cup of tea first.

His office is five minutes away from our place but I had a little trouble locating it as for the last few years it had a great wooden eagle standing at the bottom of the stairs. As I was standing looking at the space it should have been occupying and wondering if I'd come to the right place I heard a woman's voice coming from a car nearby: "There's no-one there!". I explained that I'd just been told to come around and she shouted back "that's ok then". I had no idea who I'd find upstairs but I shouldn't have worried; Haiwei was there and we went to a new room where he was brewing up.

I didn't really want to drink tea as it can keep you from sleeping, but it was very nice and quite gentle. And Haiwei kindly gave me a pack of this 10-year-old Sheng Pu tea. More blokes popped in and half an hour later we got in a couple of cars and went to a nice simple place where I ordered a sort of omelette with greens and a couple of other relatively simple dishes. Beer was ordered (not by me) and consumed, and then more ordered. I didn't mind in the least as it would bring my beckoning sleep that much closer, or so I thought. More blokes came over the next hour or so, including 2-1 who I remembered from four years ago during the last World Cup.

A mate, 2-1 and Haiwei where we had a relatively simple meal for once

Haiwei mentioned that his big sister had a daughter who was going to spend a year in a British university, and that one day he would arrange a nice seafood meal and could I come and talk with her when he arranged it? I made some joke about my work for Haiwei being so hard as it involved talking to young Chinese ladies and the blokes seemed to think it was funnier than I expected, so we ganbei'd and ordered some more beer.

Then Tan called, as though she had a remote beer monitor on her phone. But she was actually asking me to get some money out for Ling Ming's wedding; apparently we have to give 2000 kuai as everyone else did. This suddenly reminded me that I hadn't gone to try to retrieve my bank card from the bank, but I didn't tell her that. Instead I told her that I'd come over to A Xia's place to pick up her card as I didn't have mine on me, which was 100% true.

I mentioned about my card to Haiwei. I'm glad I told him as he knew exactly which branch to go to and it wasn't the one I would have gone to at all. So we drove there and sort of pushed in a queue to ask about my card. The teller seemed to know exactly what they was talking about and asked for the number of the card. I was quite looking forward to showing off that I knew all 16 numbers, but they only asked for the last four. And that was it - I had my card back with no further security requested. To be fair I don't expect it's every day that an Englishman leaves his bank card in an ATM in Pingguo. I then called up HSBC to unblock the card, went to the bank to withdraw the cash and brought it over to Tan a few minutes later.

I don't know if it's my Chinese or Haiwei's quick wittedness or both or neither but after this we went to the market to buy a load of seafood. I quite enjoyed the experience, chatting to the market stall holders and picking up the crabs, pretending I knew what I was checking for, when the penny dropped that the meal was to be tonight. I protested that I was tired and needed a nap but was just told we'd get there and drink tea first so it would be ok.

Four of us then went straight to Haiwei's big sister's place, by which time it must have been 4pm. There were actually two houses, one on the fifth, and one on the sixth floor, probably extended family. We went to the one on the sixth floor first to meet the family, who seemed very decent, middle-class folks, before going down to the fifth floor to drink tea with the father. He looked a bit young to be retired, and had dozens if not hundreds of packages of tea in the room. We sat around drinking tea that to me tasted like boiled fish that had been living in polluted water. When asked about it I said honestly that it had a distinctive taste. The father then explained that it was expensive because it was the shit of the insects that lived on the tea leaves. "Aaah", I said. I was so relieved when we moved on to some tea made from actual leaves.

2-1, the father, a mate, and the daughter enjoying a few glasses of insect-poo tea

Despite its nature, the tea wasn't keeping me very awake. I did a rather Chinese thing and got up from my seat, went and sat on the wooden sofa and closed my eyes. I was a bit worried about falling asleep so I avoided counting, even in French, but I felt myself dropping off a little anyway. I eyed a couple of small pillows and just lay down a little to rest my head on something other than wood and the next thing I knew Haiwei was waking me telling me it was time to eat. I didn't know if it had been 30 seconds or 30 minutes but I groggily got up and went upstairs to the sixth floor where it was waiting for us. Haiwei was cooking the last of the greens and we all sat down to tuck in.

Minutes later there was a knocking on the door and a little cheer as some bloke walked in with two crates of 24 cans of beer, ordered, as is usual here. I don't know why we don't have this service in the UK - after all, people order pizzas on the phone.... As is usual more people came during the meal. The girl who is going to UK and Haiwei's elder son started off a bit shy but ended up speaking some English to me and I reciprocated, telling their parents how good they were and how hard it must be to learn here in Pingguo etc. I'm not sure if it was in any way because of this, but the father then presented me with a rather expensive box of tea, which I was slightly relieved to hear was not the insect poo version, and would get better with age.

We did play quite a lot of cai ma, and I won quite a bit too, so I wasn't too affected by the beer. And we left at a reasonably civilised 10.30pm. I got a lift home and found that the kids were once again staying at Waipo's with Chuan Chuan so when Tan got back we had a relatively nice early night.

Hot weather, cool G&T, and tea

It was a fractured sleep; I woke up at 4.45am and saw that it was 0-0 at half time in the Holland - Costa Rica match. I very probably could have gone out and found a bbq place showing the game but I didn't think Tan would appreciate that, plus I was still tired. By the start of the second half I dozed off and woke again at about 6.30 when I found the match had gone to penalties. That was a bit exciting, especially as the Dutch coach had made a fascinating substitution in the last minute of extra time and swapped the goalkeepers. It seemed to have paid off as Krul saved two penalties and Holland went to the semi final. Now I'm worried about this master tactician, Louis Van Gaal, being Man Utd's manager next season.

There was no way of getting back to sleep after that so I had a cereal cake and a cup of coffee and donned my white socks and other sports gear and at 7.30 headed out to the old people's leisure centre. But rather than go straight there I went for a gander in the guang chang and enjoyed the delights of the early morning by watching people dancing, doing some sort of tai chi with swords and other things you wouldn't see in the UK.

Walking in the guang chang in black and white so I can imagine what it looked like before colour photographs

I'd actually really like to join in in this

By 8 I was playing table tennis and didn't stop till well gone 10, when I got home, showered and got some breakfast for the kids and noodles for mama. The kids then went out with Chuan Chuan and Tan went to A Xia's shop, and I took advantage of my time alone in the house to sort out my study properly and do some clothes washing and drying. It felt so good to have a nice clean office with mostly my stuff, and I'm so glad we installed air conditioning a couple of years ago.

Geeky heaven (although generally there will be only the one on the right)

I noticed we needed water. This is normally something that happens around once a week, but doing so much table tennis means I take a litre with me each morning so it goes down a bit quicker. I called the number I still had in my phone and ordered not just a replacement but also a spare one. The bloke put the phone down straight away and I had a doubt that he hadn't understood and maybe thought I was a prank caller because I didn't know the word for "large bottle", which apparently was "dong". So I called him back and he politely confirmed that all was well and the water was on its way. Maybe my Mandarin is ok then.

As I knew I'd be grabbing a siesta again I took advantage of the 70s style soda maker I bought last year. I'd already filled it with water and kept it in the fridge as cold water gets more fizzy. I put a tad of the sodastream concentrate in the glass, a bit of duty free gin, then squeezed the trigger and lovely fizzy water filled the glass and I had a lovely refreshing G&T while I skimmed the news on the laptop. I finally felt I was really on holiday and properly relaxed, and felt my eyes drooping a little.

But suddenly my phone rang and it was the water bloke asking which floor we were on. I couldn't be bother to say the 15th because 14 is unlucky and just buzzed him in and told him to come to the 14th floor, house A1. True to their word, he brought two bottles, one of which he exchanged and the other I hid behind the side of the sofa. Although it is a good idea to have two bottles, I wasn't sure Tan would agree. He didn't have change for my 100 kuai note so I asked him where the office was and said I'd pick it up later. But he just told me not to worry and to pay it next time we ordered water. I had to admit it was easier that way and after a little British protestation said goodbye. I hope either he or I remembers that.

As I was awake again I made another G&T and went to bed and fell flat asleep from 3-5pm at which time I got a call from Waipo to come to eat. Then somehow I drifted off again and then Tan called me to say she was going to Waipo's to eat too so at least I wouldn't be late.

Gosh, after a couple of days of mostly rain, it was proper scorchio outside but it was a nice hit of sunlight to kickstart my vitamin D production. When I went home the kids wanted to stay with Chuan Chuan, so I didn't argue. Then Li Kun rang to say he was back from Nanning and invited me to drink tea with him in a bit. So I did, in his new house. And it really was drinking tea, except for the last half an hour when we had a couple of beers. He asked me for advice in buying antique China porcelain from the UK, and seemed to think I could just bring it through customs. Although not sure why it would be cheaper in the UK, I had to explain that if I was found with 10,000 pounds' worth of Chinese vases I'd have to pay shedloads of tax. I think he got the message.

Li Kun had given me a lift on his electric bike (dian dong che) and we'd also started talking about that. Apparently you can get them still for 2000 kuai. Mmm I'm so tempted if that genuinely is the case (and I have my doubts). I'm half thinking that we could possibly get one and let Chuan Chuan use it when we're not here as she will spend a lot of time with the kids (of her own volition of course - but it really helps us). Speaking of Chuan Chuan, I found the kids were happy to sleep with her tonight, so I got a lift back from Li Kun's place around 10pm and had a relatively guilt-free evening and relatively early night. The only problem was I'd completely forgotten to go to the bank to retrieve my card. Oh well, maybe they don't open on a Sunday....

Pressure and Beef

Up at 7am after under four hours' sleep! I felt a little groggy and my back was hurting so I had a little breakfast and took some medicine. No-one else was stirring so I had a coffee and even though I didn't feel like it I put on some white socks and went to the old people's leisure centre to wash away last night's sins. I never regret doing this. You really sweat it out even when playing rather leisurely, which is not often.

I really needed to fart, but no-one would let me off the table. After I lost once, someone else would come and challenge me, and as much as I enjoyed it the gas was building up inside me. Even though most of the people here are my senior by some 20 years they don't seem to pass wind noticeably. Then some new bloke I hadn't met before brought me upstairs to the room with a single table where the pros normally go. As I was walking up with him I couldn't really let one rip so I manfully kept it in.

We were doing a bit of smashing practice and I was trying not to break my back when one of the women walked past and he bade her come in and play me. Damn, I thought with just him in the room I could flatulate and at least only one person would know. But somehow, maybe concentrating on being decent I was not thinking how much I would lose by, and ended up beating her 3-2 in games. It was better for my confidence than for my lower intestine.

Then I lost 3-1 to the bloke, who's name is Zhang Liangwen, and who told me he'd call me to go and play at a new place with 12 tables. I was happy and said ok, but happier to be able to leave the place as it was already 10.30 and I had three hours of sweat outside me and a fart the pressure of a sodastream canister in me. But as I left, one of the other elders in the place was leaving, and accompanied me to the foot of our building, and then stood chatting to me for a couple of minutes while I made the excuse of having to wake up the kids before leaving him to go home. But home means getting in the lift for 14 floors. I dreaded the chance of meeting one of our neighbours at the 14th floor waiting for the lift so held in my gas for another 35 seconds and as I rose I could feel the pressure of the higher altitude exacerbate the feeling in my lower region. Tan may have still been asleep but the noise I made on the toilet probably roused her from her slumbers.

Showered, and back to normal in a decompressed state I took the kids out for breakfast. As it was 11am the normal dou jiang place was out of stock of much of their morning produce so we walked about a bit until we came to the jiao zi place I have frequently frequented in the last few years since we've had our house. Both of them ate a portion of bao zi once we brought them back home, and I had some jiao zi.

Unfortunately the air conditioning unit in the master bedroom is leaking water, so we went to the place where we bought it from four years ago where Tan's aunt works. One of the blokes there told me to open it and clean it first, and if that didn't work to call him. Once home I did remove the air filter from the front and Tan cleaned it, but within minutes it was leaking again. I didn't call him though because I was getting tired and needed sleep.

It was now gone midday and Leilei wanted to play with A Da so I gave A Ni a ring and we organised that A Da would come around in a bit. I was a bit worried as A Da is now 14 and already last year had broken his voice, whereas Leilei is still a boy, and I didn't think they'd have much in common. A Da turned up a bit later with an ipad in hand though and within minutes they were sorting out some online game. After my early start I was really flagging now so a bit later I took them and Xixi to A Wu's office to continue playing, while I went back to get some kip.

I had started counting in German and got to no more than about 15 when I got a phone call from A Da to say that Xixi wanted to come home. I more than expected that and asked him to take her back so I didn't have to put on clothes. Unexpectedly Xixi turned up five minutes later with A Dong, A Xia's husband. Unfortunately I had just had another episode of flatulence and not worried about filling the sitting room with it just before opening the door. A Dong at least pretended not to notice; he had heard about our air con problem and had turned up with a tube and screwdriver. Within a minute he diagnosed a blocked exit tube and soon fixed it. Phew. I let Xixi play on Tan's laptop while I grabbed more fractured sleep in our bed in 27 degree warmth.

I got woken up at 4.45 by Waipo asking if I was coming to eat. I said probably, but noticed I already had a missed call from Haiwei. Then Uncle Yellow rang to ask me if I could go out to "eat beef" with him in a bit. I rang Tan to check and she said it was ok if I didn't go to Waipo's house to eat, so called Uncle Yellow and he said he'd pick me up in 10 minutes. That didn't leave me much time to put out the clothes to dry but I managed it in 20 minutes and took Xixi down with me and used the aged-old excuse that the lift took ages to come.

In the car Uncle Yellow happened to mention that he had changed the colour of his car from orange, so I finally felt vindicated in my surprise at its non-yellowness the other day, but not impressed at how easily I had let myself think I had perceived the same colour as yellow last year.

Uncle Yellow's orange car

We went to A Wu's office to pick up Leilei and dropped them both off at Waipo's house, with no protestation at all. We drove to a new place that hadn't been built this time last year and found ourselves in a private room with three blokes and one of their wives. Two of the blokes I knew from the cool cave the last few years, and the other was from near Shanghai but married to a local. He was jokingly berated somewhat as I was also married to a local yet I could speak some of the local language.

There was a huge metal bowl of beef soup in the middle of the table and all manner of raw cow parts around it. They took pleasure in serving me interesting-looking parts and then telling me it was a testicle or part of the ball-sack, and that it would help my nether region (not that I needed it!). After half an hour the beer was poured. I noticed it was 8 degrees and for a moment worried it might be really strong, but in fact it was 2.5%, so I was happy to indulge in cai ma with everyone and ended up staying till 10pm by which time I made the excuse of having pick up Leilei and Xixi, so Uncle Yellow took me back, after I'd ganbei'd with everyone there again.

Some raw beef ready to be cooked in the soup

Friends at the beef meal

Back home I got them showered while answering phone calls asking when I was coming to watch the footy. I would have liked to go out to watch Belgium v Argentina at midnight but after getting the kids to lie down I pretty much collapsed into our bed as the game was starting.

Passports,Pianos, and Ping Pong

Up at a very reasonable 9.15 seeing as it was 2.15am in London. Maybe I've cracked this jetlag already. Tan was not about but the kids were still fast asleep. I had heard them up quite late last night even when I got back from the bbq so I didn't rustle them. I guessed Tan had gone to sort out her SIM card as hers was too big to fit in her phone.

I just enjoyed being home for a bit and did a little sorting out before remembering I actually had some important things to do: sort out internet in the house, replace the cord on my jade necklace that Tan gave me when we met 11 years and nine months ago, and register us UK citizens with the police. So I called Tan but Chuan Chuan answered and I understood she had just got Tan's SIM card cut to micro size and was on her way to drop off the phone. Of course as soon as Tan had her phone back I got a call but it was to take the kids to A Xia's shop. But first things first; we needed to eat. There was nothing in the house as usual so we went to the dou jiang place to pick up whatever was left, then took a san lun che to A Xia's place. Unfortunately I still don't know the names of most of the roads here even though I know them well, so I had to explain to the san lun che driver. I remembered that since we were last here 10 months ago there is a new cinema near A Xia's shop so just asked her to go there.

We arrived at A Xia's shop and walked inside to the bemusement of what appeared to be the shopkeeper, who evidently wasn't A Xia. We apologised and left and I got out my phone in order to call and berate Tan for not telling me that A Xia had moved. But before I could dial the shopkeeper came out of her shop looking less bemused and shouted to go to a place next to a certain shop that was pointing distance away. It wasn't the power of language or of pointing, but rather luck, that Xixi found the place as she recognised A Xia through the window. The shop was twice the size of what she previously had, and as usual there was no-one there except her and friends chinwagging as they do.

Interestingly for me, neither Leilei nor Xixi wanted to accompany me to the police station to be registered, so I happily left them with Tan and other females and started the unspeakable act of actually walking more than 10 minutes in the lush humid heat of Pingguo. My priority - internet at home - I had been told was out of my hands and I'd already texted Ling Ming to help me out there. But the next two I could do myself I hoped.

I walked to the centre of town amidst the pulsating sounds of crap pop music deafening me from each shop that sold mobile phones (most of them that aren't clothes shops it seems) until I found the place I've been coming to just about every year now to re-thread my necklace. About time too as the bit holding on my jade pig was very bare and in danger of breaking. Plus, my jade bracelet given to me about seven years ago from A Wu had been badly fixed last year and was too big for my wrists. I showed them both and explained what I wanted done and said I'd be back within the hour.

I continued my walk to Jiang Bing Lu, which is the only road I know the name of here. I don't even know the name of the road we live in. On the way I got a call from Uncle Yellow (Huang Lei) and he told me that the police station in Jiang Bing Lu had closed down and I had to go somewhere else. I trusted my less-than-perfect command of Mandarin so much that I didn't believe him so continued on my way. I went down a street that I'd either not happened upon before, or was new, or both, and decided to take it. After a minute I heard the inspiring sounds of out-of-tune pianos, and I had a yearning to tinkle. I walked past the place and it seemed to be a school or something, with tiny rooms along one side the width of a piano, and not that much deeper - just enough to allow a stool.

Despite my temptation I didn't walk in and ask to have a go, and continued on until I found a shop selling large water bottles but with a blue band on the window saying "Police". It took a couple of minutes, and a difficult conversation with an old lady, to realise that I had understood Uncle Yellow correctly, but had refused to accept it. The police station had moved.

Not wishing to appear as though I'd gone the wrong way, I continued in the direction I'd been walking only to realise a minute later I was just making my way back even longer. I realised I wasn't in London and did a very un-British thing and turned around and walked back the other way (hoping no-one noticed of course). I went back the way I'd come and this time my temptation got the better of me when walking past the music place. I ventured in and was immediately surrounded the young girls that I assumed were there for music lessons. I asked if I could have a quick tinkle and they all shouted for the teacher, who was upstairs. She came down and said of course I could.

It's a very strange thing for me. My favourite purchase over the last 10 years is (except for our place in Pingguo) my digital piano. It's allowed me to get back into playing after 20 years because you can plug in headphones and not disturb people. I should have got one years ago. But having an audience makes it so so different. I know how easy it must be to score a penalty when no-one's looking but in the World Cup in front of 80,000 people and a quarter of the world and some just can't do it. For me it's not 80,000 people, but even recording myself playing the piano almost completely changes the way I play. At least until I get into it and forget about the outside influence. I think those professional musicians must either have a way of shutting out the outside world when performing, or somehow their personality is bordering on the sociopathic in order just not to be aware of others.

So here I was, sitting at the piano in front of about eight 10 year old girls and a couple of ladies, thinking I'd screw it up but actually I didn't do too badly. All I played was the AABBA bit (the first half or so) of The Entertainer. There's something about ragtime that is so sympathetic to out-of-tune pianos and I think that helped me. I don't think anyone had heard that piece of music before but they said nice things about it. I was pleased as punch that it had gone ok, and asked if it would be possible to practise some time (I brought some sheet music with me for this reason), and was told of course I could, any time up till 6pm. I can't wait - last year I'd just had the digital piano a couple of months before going to China and it was the thing I missed most.

I realised although I'd been told the road, I had no idea where the police station was, so called Uncle Yellow when back in the centre of town. He said he'd come around and help out. I was grateful as he is in some way part of the police here, in that he wears the uniform at least. I asked if he was coming in his little yellow car and was told he was. A few minutes later, what looked like his car turned up but it was bright orange. But it bibbed at me and I realised it was Uncle Yellow. I wondered how my perception of his car being yellow in the previous years (not to mention the link with his name) had been so wrong.

Well I didn't wonder too long as I got in and shook his hand. If his car had been any bigger I might have been able to give him a hug but it's not much bigger than a go-kart. We went to a police station, and were told to go to another section, then another, then finally another before finally happening upon the place where I could register us. I suppose this is not a regular thing here. But it is computerised somewhat, and the same lady as last year was able to bring up all our details based on our Chinese names. She printed off the forms and I noticed errors in all of them. So what should have been a 15 minute job took closer to an hour, and I felt a bit guilty as she should have been eating, but she diligently corrected the errors (Leilei's date of birth, my arrival airport etc.) before reprinting and handing the stamped official documents to me. We were now officially here!

During this time, Uncle Yellow's wife, Xiao Chong, had been calling him to come and pick her up from the bank. He'd been saying "2 minutes" quite a few times, but I know it would have been the same in my situation. We eventually got there around 12.30 and she appeared with a black bag that we normally use to put rubbish in, but in this case it had about three inches of 100 kuai notes in it that was the reason she wanted to be picked up. She got in the car and insisted on doing a couple of selfies with me before leaving. Gosh I really hope I used the right term there.

Uncle yellow took me to Waipo's house where the kids were. This time I didn't go and hug her. I think she sort of likes it but the more I'm here the more I'm being like a native. I just nonchalantly nodded at her and I think she appreciated that more than a hug. I had a bite to eat there. Apparently lunch had been ready since 10.30am but I couldn't have done that. There was only zhou, no rice, and as I don't eat zhou I just had some beans, which didn't quite fill me up. But I didn't care; I just needed sleep now.

As luck would have it, it started raining. Those thumb-sized raindrops you get here. I thought sod it, I needed to go to the supermarket to get some washing powder and mats to stand on when you get out of the shower so walked there and got a little wet. So what? It was far cooler than it otherwise would have been. At home, sleep was fractured but appreciated. I wouldn't have known I'd slept as every time I checked the time it was 15 minutes past the last time I checked, but the dreams told me I did.

I did get up when Waipo called me to tell me to come to eat at 4.45. Then a minute later Tan called me to say the same thing. We had a nice family meal that lasted all of 20 minutes before people started leaving. Chuan Chuan wanted to take the kids out to the cinema, which they were more than happy with, and this gave me time to get home and sort out the internet. In fact, far from what Tan had said about having to reprovision it, Ling Ming had paid for two years in advance, and we still had time to go. All I needed to do was to put in the password for the SSID he had created "pengduoming".

Feeling pleased with having connectivity again, I ventured out to the bank to get some cash. Nothing new, except that when I got home I found I had a missed phone call and a message from HSBC saying to call them immediately about a potential fraud issue. I was miffed as I'd already registered online to say I'd be in China for some time, so was ready to have a bit of a go as I didn't want to spend money on calling them. But when I looked for my card to get the details for them I realised I couldn't find it. I did that patting around all possible pockets before dawning on me that I must have left it in the cash machine. Somehow the systems must be joined up and HSBC must have been trying to tell me I'd lost my card. I was glad I'd controlled my initial anger about being expected to make a long-distance call to confirm I was where I said I'd be.

I did first try by Skype but for the last couple of years at least it's been crap when calling phones. That's really disappointing - I could try installing the Chinese version I suppose but I suspect something more than the app itself would be installed. I got through on my UK mobile only to find that it was a "routine" fraud call, as they'd noticed I'd made a withdrawal in China, as I said I would on their web page. So I was a bit angry again as this was an expensive call, but once again I didn't vent it and took advantage of it by asking to block my card until I'd retrieved it (if that would be possible). I also took the time to make Tan's card useable here, something I'd promised to do back home. I think there is a lesson to learn from not venting one's spleen before taking time to consider the consequences, although there are extenuating circumstances where that is not practical (try explaining that to most people...). Now I have to remember not to mention any of this card stuff to Tan.

With the kids being seen to, and Tan out with her friends, I realised it was getting on for 8pm and I'd sorted those things I had aimed to do, so did the only sensible thing and donned my shorts and old Man City top and went to the old people's leisure centre to see some old friends and play table tennis. On my way I bumped into Uncle Yellow who was at a baby shop that had just opened with Xiao Chong and their son of three. I had planned to go to the bank to see if I could retrieve my card but he said not to bother as it would already be closed, and reminded me that we were to meet up this evening to watch the footy.

It's probably my favourite place here, and there were many old faces I recognised and I spent a good two hours sweating out the couple of beers I might have had for lunch earlier. There was a new bloke who had amazingly spinny serves and I felt like Andrew must have felt when I came back from China in 2009 with spin to completely change the game. He insisted on playing a game straight away and was pulverising me 5-0 before I almost flukily tamed one of his serves. It was the sort of return that the server cannot even deal with. I got a round of applause and realised then that I was being watched. But such was my sweat and fatigue that I didn't take into account the audience and simply focused on not losing 11-1. It was 11-3, but those precious three points were deserved, and all got applause. Then I realised it was best of five, so I had to go again. I won a great point (in my opinion) on my backhand-forehand-sidespin serve, but not many more. I lost the next two games of course but my relief in being able to walk off with the knowledge it wasn't 11-0's was removed when I found out that best-of-five meant even though you'd lost you still had to play five games. Ok so it was 5-0, but I had relaxed a bit and managed a few more points. But bloody hell I had to go home to shower after that.

The kids were back by then and not quite ready for bed so I took them to grab a bite to eat at the bbq place by the guang chang. No sooner had I got out of the house when Haiwei called me. I told him where I was going, and to come along, and he said he'd be there straight away. I also remembered to call Uncle Yellow. It had been raining most of the day and still was, so we sat inside while Haiwei ordered some bbq and beer. Neither of them touched the bbq, or Leilei, so Xixi and I munched through it for a bit until it was 11.30 and the footy was starting in half an hour. I said I'd go and shower the kids and expected to come back to watch, but Haiwei said we'd be going somewhere else. Then Lu Wen rang while doing the kids and I said I'd call him in a bit as didn't know what was going on. Then of course Haiwei called me to ask where I was but finally soon after midnight I left them with Tan and got out and into Haiwei's Land Cruiser and ended up going to new bar in Jiang Bin Lu. Lu Wen called during the journey and I handed the phone over to Haiwei, who handed it back a minute later saying Lu Wen wasn't coming. Hmmm...I wonder what he said to him....

The football seemed little more than an excuse to eat and drink more. Haiwei's wife was there, together with another couple, and the remnants of some seafood dishes that made me realise I was still a bit hungry. The rain broke into a huge storm and we eventually had to move inside as even the awning under which we were eating could no longer shield us from moisture being fired in at all angles. The satellite signal went down 5 minutes into the second half and nobody really seemed to notice. Haiwei then told me he hadn't drunk for three months. Not a drop. I didn't know whether to feel guilty or pleased that he'd come out of his (presumably) self-imposed exile so I ganbei'd him to finish off our glass.

Uncle Yellow, some bloke, and Haiwei

Is that a woman doing a number 2?

I got a lift home at around 2am and finally got to sleep at 3am when I literally couldn't open my eyes any more while reading about the football.

Goodbye London, Ni hao Pingguo (yet again)

I'd booked it over four months ago and didn't regret choosing the London to Guangzhou route as we had two years ago, especially as the wait would only be a couple of hours before going to Nanning.
I think I didn't sleep on the 12 hour flight to Guangzhou but I don't remember the end of "The Wolf of Wall Street" or any other film I started watching. The kids were pretty good except they needed someone to accompany them to the bog but this is acceptable. We were happy with an hour of lounge access in Guangzhou as for some reason Heathrow Terminal 4 doesn't have one. All the drinks on display were at room temperature and I didn't hold out much hope when I asked one of the women if they had a cold beer instead but surprisingly she went out back and brought me one that really hit the spot.

Really really really annoyingly I found my SIM card no longer worked. That meant the number I had nurtured for nearly three years had gone, despite my efforts last summer to ensure it wouldn't by explaining this exactly to the girls in the China Mobile shop at the bottom of our block. I'd even got people to top up our numbers. And strangely last year I didn't have this problem at all. I do need to nail down how to keep the number without leaving the SIM in China. Well the internet in the lounge was working, unlike in the rest of the airport, so I was able to contact Chuan Chuan via WeChat and she sorted us two SIM cards before she set off to Nanning to pick us up, so that was sorted relatively quickly but now I'd have to text all my friends my new number for the seventh time in 11 years.

Thankfully, although we had to do passport control at Guangzhou, we didn't have to collect our luggage, and they were fine with us bringing the duty free through security too. The flight to Nanning wasn't too bumpy either so all in all a good, relatively quick trip. A Heng and Chuan Chuan were waiting for us and we put the luggage in a rather large Japanese people carrier, and Tan and the kids and me got into a nice white BMW 525. As we got into Pingguo it really felt like coming home. Tan had been looking forward to going for a bbq but by the time we arrived she was tired and just showered the kids while I went to meet A Wu and grab a beer and bite to eat. It was as if we'd only left last week - Boss Liang was there too and we ate for a bit before I realised I was really tired as I was losing too much at cai ma, so I picked up some stuff for Tan (who'd said she was no longer hungry) and took it back home around 1am. She devoured every last bit as I put away my stuff and realised I had brought too many clothes again.

Our ride to Pingguo

Well it was a long long day

Last day, nasty flight fight

It had crept up like a shadow on a late afternoon but there was nothing we could do about it being our last day in Pingguo. Well, had it been seven years ago we could have extended our then two month stay by another month, but school and work dictated that we go home this weekend.

Tan was her normal stressed out last day self, but pretty much all was packed and we didn't have to leave till 1ish, and only then because A Xia's husband, who was taking us, had to do some stuff in Nanning - otherwise we'd have left a couple of hours later. I knew A Wu wasn't taking us back this year as his office's grand opening is Monday. I'm rather disappointed that we won't be here for that as it would be fun, but hey ho. I was more concerned that A Wu thought A Xia's husband (who is also called A Dong, like the husband of A Hua) would be able to take us all in a saloon car with all our stuff. I had told A Wu yesterday that one such car would never fit us all in but it was all "mei shi mei shi" (no problem).

I took the kids for jiao zi again and sadly recognised it would be our last such meal for a long time. Even the owner, who rarely smiles or engages in conversation smiled and talked a bit when I mentioned we were going. Well at least the kids ate a reasonable amount. On the three minute walk back home I deliberately slowed down to make it five minutes just to soak in a little more Pingguo.

Making the walk back from the jiao zi place a little longer by going the long way round

When A Dong arrived he saw what I'd been telling people for some time, that no way would we get all our stuff into even a large saloon car. But as is the wont here, a few phone calls were made and within 10 minutes a large, if rather aging Japanese people carrier turned up outside our house. Apparently it was one of Er jie's old cars. Well at least it was big enough but I couldn't help thinking we could have done away with the need for last-minute phone calls if a tiny amount of thought had been put into how to transport four people and seven weeks' worth of luggage in one vehicle.

We went to A Wu's office to say goodbye. We did the now customary western hugs with him and A Ni, and A Hua who was there too so I gave her a hug too. Then that was it. For the tenth time in my life I was leaving Pingguo. I didn't even bother taking photos this time.

We got to the airport as ridiculously early as Andge and Awl had been ridiculously late for their returns: 2.30pm for a 7.30pm flight. At least they let us check in. But not before searching my check in luggage as they'd sensed something. Yes, I'd decided to try to take back the Zippo-style lighter that A Wu had given Andge even though he doesn't smoke. I thought it would be better than leaving it in Pingguo as it is quite nice looking. But I'd left it in its gift box so when I found it and showed it to the customs woman I explained that it was a present. She took it apart, then put it back together again and lit it. She waited a few seconds and then said I could take it back. I have a feeling that a few years ago that wouldn't have happened - it would have been strict adherence to the rules. I was grateful to her for that.

It's times like these that having lounge access is really appreciated. But as soon as we were comfortably ensconced Leilei wanted to play on the ipad and Tan realised she didn't have it and we worked out Leilei had left it in the car. Bugger, we knew A Dong had matters to attend to in Nanning and Tan did not want to disturb him. Leilei was distraught and sat on a chair at the other end of the lounge refusing to sit with us but looking almost too sad to cry knowing that it was really his fault for not having it. I really felt for him and explained that there wasn't much we could do about it and sometimes things happen and we learn from them. Whatever the inconvenience it might cause A Dong I thought I'd call him anyway to see if he could make it back with the ipad. The problem was I had two A Dongs in my phone and I had no idea which to call. So I guessed and called the first one. Whoops, that number now belonged to someone completely different and I begged their pardon. For the second one it was A Hua's husband, so I said thanks for coming last night for the seafood meal but actually sorry I meant to ring someone else. Then I rang A Xia herself and mentioned about Leilei's loss in the car her husband was driving and she told me that Tan had just been on the phone to her. Tan had told Leilei that we wouldn't get it back today but I guess had had a change of mind. So I checked with her and she said yes she'd called A Dong and that if he had time he'd come back with it. And yes, at around 6pm he did come, and it had been left in the back of the car, and yes Leilei was a happy boy and yes, hopefully he has learned a lesson.

Tan improving her putting skills during the four hour wait for the plane

The flight to Beijing was ok I suppose...it's never without turbulence it seems and I guess I'm getting better at dealing with it. Thankfully, unlike with China Southern, we didn't have to pick up our luggage and re-check-in, so we found the only lounge we could get in after 10pm and had a nice bite to eat and a proper G&T before the 1.30am flight to London. The kids were ok and Tan was ok, and even the flight was ok enough that I got some sleep after the meal until half way through the 11 hour flight.

I was waiting for the loo when some rather dishevelled white man walked past me and blew a drunken raspberry, as if to emulate the vibrations of the doors of the overhead storage space. I thought nothing of it and had a wee and went back to my seat next to Leilei. A few minutes later we heard a great scream coming from two rows ahead of us. A Chinese man and his wife were punching and kicking the hell out of the drunk white man, and the woman was shouting "he touched my daughter, he touched my daughter!". Then ensuing minutes were very difficult and violent as other passengers tried to intervene and the melée spread down the aisle that split Leilei and me on the right (he was by the window) and Xixi and Tan on the left (Xixi on the aisle side). I tried to calm the Chinese man down a bit as the white bloke obviously wasn't fighting back. I couldn't tell if the Chinese man was also drunk but he was drunk with rage, as I probably would have been had the accusations of his wife been true.

Eventually, after about 20 minutes it seemed to have slightly calmed down and I was sure we were on our way to the nearest airport to make an emergency landing. The drunk was sitting at the back of the plane in that curtained off area with an attendant and the Chinese bloke in front of me was being encouraged to sit down but having none of it. Then the attendant walked up the aisle to start to talk to the Chinese man. So much for the calm...a minute later there was a scream from behind me and then the bloke sitting next to Tan leapt off his seat and jumped on the drunk man, who had got up from his seat at the back of the plane and apparently been ogling some girl a few rows behind us and was just about to jump on her. So again there was almost the same situation with people jumping on him and others jumping on them to pull them off. Most of the plane was standing up wondering what was happening, women in tears and men trying to help out but not knowing what to do. I just kept Xixi away from falling adults and told the Chinese man that enough had been done and the drunk was not worth it.

Somehow, very slowly, it became slightly less chaotic but everyone was on tenterhooks for the remaining five hours. One of the attendants came up to me later and asked me, in Chinese, to write a witness statement. I had to be honest and say I'd not actually seen the accused touch either of the girls. But Tan had and dictated her statement for me to write as she was still shaking. Apparently the man sitting beside her who jumped to grab the drunk the second time was the father of the girl about to be jumped on.

I was quite relieved that it appeared we were actually going all the way to London, though that was surely wrong with such an air rage incident. What was stranger, though, was that with half an hour to go, with the two Chinese dads of the daughters in deep discussion with one of the attendants, another attendant bought the now slightly soberer but dishevelled and black-eyed drunk over to them to shake hands. I could hardly believe it. With such accusations I can't imagine just shaking hands if it had been my daughter. This is surely a very serious criminal offence. My only reasoning was that maybe the Chinese men could theoretically have been arrested too for violent behaviour and decided against spending some time of their holiday in prison. I wonder if the police will get in contact with us about that statement - surely Air China have to report this incident.

And there it was. My kids treated to some shocking behaviour as soon as they got back to the western world. Well, that's a bit unfair...but I've never seen anything approaching such a violent incident in Pingguo, whatever the levels of booze involved. Anyway Da Yong was there waiting for us to drive us back and we appreciated being at Gatwick rather than Heathrow and drove the 45 minutes back to dump off our stuff and catch up on some well-needed rest. And that was it till the next time. I feel like I need a holiday!

Locked out at the last storm before the last supper

I woke up at 9am in the study and realised I'd better get some more kip so did so till 10.30, still feeling a bit rough for the first time in ages (at least since Beihai). Lunch was starting to become the repetitive jiao zi but my condition called for something known and benign. Once again work beckoned and that took up some of my afternoon until nearly 5 when I went to Waipo's for a meal. Although there were only Tan, Waipo and Chuan Chuan it felt important to eat there as there wouldn't be much more time for family meals. After the meal Waipo insisted in giving us more moon cakes than we could feasibly carry but after giving some to Chuan Chuan we took them home anyway and I fitted what I could into our suitcases.

My insides have been behaving themselves this year more than most. Perhaps they're finally getting used to being here. But this evening was a bit of an exception and to my horror I found that I'd blocked our toilet (not the en suite one luckily). I saw a blue contraption that looked a little like a cross between an accordion and plunger and to my delight it was the latter. It was quite an ingenious design but would it work? Yes, so efficiently in fact that I felt gratitude and the need to take a picture of it in equal measures.

An accordion plunger that did the trick

I'd agreed that Tan could get a dou jiang maker so we said we'd meet at the supermarket near Waipo's. When I got there she wasn't there and it transpired she was at a different one. I could have argued that actually the one I was at was closer but I bit my lip and got a san lun che to where she was. We spent half an hour before we decided to buy a fancy looking dou jiang mixer for 400 kuai, before she got her eyes on some other kitchenware. I wasn't so interested but had noticed the very quick change of colour of the sky outside and the suddenly loud noise of the wind against advertising hoardings. I went outside and felt the change of climate within a couple of minutes as the midnight blue closed in on my last evening in Pingguo. But then it was back to reality as we bought some mini huoguo and bbq thing for another 300 kuai and I took delight in signing my name in Chinese on the receipt.

Another dusk storm brewing up

Packing these items turned out to be harder than I imagined but I got the stuff in, including two free gift glasses with the dou jiang mixer but there wasn't any space left. I decided I'd make this my mates' night out hence sorting out the packing first. By 8pm I was mainly done so started calling them. I'd decided to go the Beihai seafood place to see my friend Huang the cook I've known for about four years now but hardly seen this year. All my mates except for Boss Hu said they'd be able to make it at 9pm or some time later.

By now there really was a storm and it looked so good I opened up one of the few remaining Moutai beers that I don't like that much (but Lu Hai gave to me) and had a good watch from the balcony. I couldn't tell if the view was better from the front or the back of the house so I decided to see if I could get to the roof. I didn't expect to as last year I tried and it was locked, but to my pleasant surprise the handle moved down and I opened the door to what would be the 18th floor. It was the perfect time before the rain came but the lightning was performing all over. I stood taking videos, as if that would be anything like the real thing, when I felt the wind start up and the first heavy raindrops. Unfortunately there was little cover from the rain, and more unfortunately as I turned towards the door I noticed that the wind got there first and closed it for me. And yes, the handle on the outside didn't budge and I was locked out. Banging on the door was fruitless, so I looked around to find what I may make use of. But I wasn't going to be abseiling down so I didn't look much further than my phone and realised as I had to go out very soon I'd have to call the missus and admit to being a bit of a wally without a brolly.

I got the expected tuts, but I expected she was smiling behind them. She said she'd come to open the door but 10 minutes later I heard or saw no sign. Then it dawned on me that the staircase I had come up must have been one of up to four others dividing the five blocks. At least there had to be a chance that one of them was not locked. I didn't really expect it but in fact the first other door I came to was indeed not a door, it was ajar, so I got in, rather wet, and wished I'd tried that before calling Tan. I took the lift to the bottom floor, got out, walked 20 yards and got in our block's door to see Chuan Chuan and the kids ready to get in the lift too. So Tan had sent her and the kids to rescue me...how embarrassing - at least it would have been had I still been up there.

I called Huang the cook to say I'd be coming over at 9pm and he was very excited. By 8.50 he called me back to ask where I was and I told him not to worry. In China, if you are the inviter you typically get there well before everyone else but as I knew this place and its boss I didn't feel the need. When I got there Huang was indeed very excited to see me and led me to a table and ordered some beer and sat down with me. I realised he was rather drunk when he kept calling me xiong di...like a close brother. He kept going on about how we were xiong di and kept shaking my hand in a rather annoying manner by curling up his index finger as he did so and clasping our hands together with his left hand. I said I was happy to be his xiong di and he asked me if I knew what it meant. Of course I did but he insisted on pointing out a table with some men on it who I knew were his friends as he'd been drinking with them when I arrived. He pointed at them and said they were not his xiong di, but I was his xiong di. I was not quite sure how to react so shook his hand in gratitude and immediately regretted it as his index knuckle once more nearly pierced my palm.

My xiong di Huang with his annoying curly index finger but charming daughter

Huang did need to get back to cooking but not before the first guests arrived. A Dong came and as he reached my table was immediately shouted at by some mates at another table and went there for the next 45 minutes. Then the bloke who used to assist Huang here at the seafood place turned up and I was quite glad as I hadn't seen him this or last year. Then every couple of minutes someone else turned up till we had to start getting new chairs to fit around the table. I ordered about four dishes and gratefully saw them gobbled up - two plates of prawns, some razor things and some fish. Lu Hai came and brought some of his own fried fish which were delicious and I ordered some greens too. Li Kun turned up with a mate, looking like he'd already had a skinful but insisted in gan bei'ing everyone there. After a little while he looked like he could barely focus and aimed his glance at the floor. I thought he was going to paint it with vomit but then he got his head up again and did a few more gan bei's and said he had a present for Awl and for me and he would definitely get it. With that he disappeared in the car with his mate.

Li Kun looking slightly like he might have had one too many and me with one too few

Jiefu turned up and I experienced one of the few times I was genuinely happy to have my Nokia N8. He had brought some of his professional photographs of Pingguo (one of which was exploded and hanging on Bak Sec Zhai's living room wall). They were on one of those old style compact flash cards that are about an inch and a half square but luckily he had a card reader. But when he realised I didn't have a laptop he was concerned. He needn't have been; I got out my mini-usb to usb cable plugged it into my phone and into his card reader cable and within seconds was copying his photos onto my phone's SD card. Oh geeky heaven! Try doing that with an iphone (it's not straightforward with an Android either).

Others were interested in the photos when I showed them on my phone and I said I'd send copies to them via QQ. But a minute later Jiefu, slightly embarrassedly, said to me privately that these were his work and were generally for sale rather than giveaway. I felt very embarrassed myself as I realised he was giving me something both unique and quite valuable, but I think everyone understood, and he said I could send out copies of one of the photos to my friends.

Pingguo by dusk by Jiefu - Bak Sec Zhai has an 8' by 2' print on his wall at home

Guang chang by day - taken from the top of our building by Jiefu...at least he didn't lock himself out

At about 11pm A Wu and A Da turned up and straight away ordered a number of plates as they were hungry, but I didn't mind as long as people ate them. However, I didn't want a late night, or a particularly boozy one. Then Ling Ming rang and asked if we were still there so I said of course he and his fiancée could come over. Then, to my complete surprise, Li Kun pulled up again (with his mate driving again) and got out and produced a gold and a red bag. Inside each bag was a tin of the same colour containing expensive tea. He said the gold one was a bit better quality and that was for Awl. I thanked him very much and genuinely look forward to seeing him again next time. But where will I put the tea?

Me, Xiao Nong (blocking Ling Ming), Jiefu, A Da, A Wu, Huang's ex-assistant, Lu Hai

By now it was gone midnight and I needed to make tracks so but I wasn't the only one; Haiwei was still feeling the effects from yesterday...he said he couldn't even remember taking me to A Wu's office last night which is a bit worrying.

I went to pay the bill and it came to 940 kuai so a tad over 100 quid. But for three and a half hours of up to 12 blokes drinking and eating quality stuff it was worth several times that. We said our annual farewells and I got into A Wu's car and started driving them back. We hadn't got 300 yards when we saw a bloke on crutches sitting at a table that I recognised from the last time Venky was around. He was some sort of boss - Tan reckons from the mafia. I stopped the car and we got out and had the usual couple of gan bei's but I insisted on getting back as it was late and I had a "matter" to attend to, as the Chinese say when they don't want to be too specific about something. Finally home at getting on for one but it was a great evening in many ways.

Food, beer, tea, and red wine

I managed another lateish getting up and felt refreshed. Much more refreshed than I would have had I woken up from Awl's text at 4.11am saying he was sipping champers as he'd been upgraded to business class when he only asked for a window seat. I'll have to remember that in the future. Then, shortly later, Haiwei called at midday to say he couldn't do lunch but invited me for an evening meal. So lunch ended up being takeaway jiao zi again which was absolutely fine by me, and I was still quite surprised that Haiwei remembered and even bothered to call me after yesterday's shenanigans.

Unfortunately, work reared its near-inevitable head and consumed my afternoon till 5pm. I shouldn't complain; this has been the first year in many I've not been able to stay the whole summer due to work commitments and it's good that you can be efficient thousands of miles away from the office and clients.

Bang on 5pm I got the call from Haiwei to say he's coming to pick me up. I managed to haggle half an hour for a shower and got picked up in his new seven seater Honda or Toyota or Mazda...I'm normally so good with car brands but these Japanese ones are looking rather homogeneous to my eyes lately...even the symbols on the front. But it was a nice motor and Haiwei, me and a friend parked in front of a newly opened restaurant not far from the Ming Dien hotel. Although it was new, it bore all the hallmarks of the other similar sized restaurants here, with its various private rooms on different floors with the one exception that it had a lift to get to them.

Haiwei paying for the meal

And one more exception was that they didn't sell Li Quan beer. I guess they are sponsored by whatever beer they are selling but we wanted Li Quan and Haiwei immediately called for the manager. A woman appeared and a case of Li Quan duly arrived five minutes later. The food was plentiful and great and I got quite stuffed and even started feeling the effects of the beer. We'd nearly finished when one of the fu wu yuan waitresses said I'd been invited to the room next door. She showed me in and there was A Dong, A Hua's husband, purple-faced with a big grin bidding me to sit down with him and eat and drink, as if I hadn't been doing that for the last hour and a half. But I felt I owed him this as last year he was on medicine and couldn't enjoy a drink with us, and I've hardly seen him this year. So we had a good bash of cai ma with him and his mates before I suggested I ought to go back to the room I'd been invited to in the first place.

Back there we finished off the last of the beers over a couple of rounds of cai ma and I did rather well, meaning Haiwei didn't. Had I thought of the consequences I may have let him win as he was driving. But anyway he paid downstairs and we got in the car and drove to a block of flats on the other side of town near Ma Laoban's house. We rang the doorbell, got in the lift to something like the 11th floor and entered a friend's house. Well, calling it a house would be generous. It was more of a bedsit, or even just a sit, with a toilet/shower, a corner for cooking and a bedroom with a balcony where the owner was sitting with two mates eating, drinking, smoking, and playing cards while his wife watched tv sitting on the bed nursing a pregnant tummy.

Haiwei's mate on the right, Haiwei on the left, and two mates in the middle, with the preggars wife in the background

I recognised the bloke from somewhere but wasn't sure where. Judging by the size of his abode he wasn't that well off but somehow Haiwei thought it important to come here to socialise with him. We sat down and the only thing I could eat was a prawn or two, and only managed a couple of gan bei's for the sake of appearances. Surely they won't be here in three months when the baby arrives?

Half an hour later we did a last round of gan bei's and said goodbye. I hoped in vain that I'd get home but no we had to go to "drink tea". I knew what that meant, and we arrived at an establishment, went upstairs to a rather pleasant room with a large table and some 12 people sitting around it drinking mainly red wine but I did see that tea was being served too. Boss Huang was there, plus two relatively large ladies I recognised from some years ago when Boss Huang opened his wood company. They were mainly a bit drunk, and of course insisted on gan bei'ing glasses of wine with me. I really didn't want it but realised my position of unofficial UK diplomat so joined in but ensured I got served tea as well so as not to imbibe so fast. It didn't quite work as one of the larger ladies poured ever-larger glasses of the plonk after every gan bei, and then downed half a glass herself in a manner that, had she done it in France, would have got her evicted from the country with her visa revoked.

"Drinking tea" - the lady reaching for a gan bei was the dangerous one. Boss Huang is on her left

I finally got a worse-for-wear Haiwei to realise I needed to get back (I probably used the kids as an excuse) so we got back in his mini-van but just as we were nearing our house we stopped at A Wu's office where he was with A Ni and a few other people....drinking red wine. Remembering my diplomatic status I had a couple to be polite but at least now I no longer required Haiwei's presence as my house was two minutes away. I politely said good evening and walked back and made the polite decision to sleep in my study now that it had been vacated by Awl as I didn't want to disturb Tan and it was getting on for 1am. I have a recollection of a dream being with the boys again but I got disturbed or something.

Eating duck feet with a friend and his wife and son in A Wu's office while trying to avoid more red wine

Eating duck feet with two other friends in A Wu's office after unsuccessfully avoiding more red wine

The art of not letting people know what is going on...

With Awl gone I now felt a bit more like the only gay in the village again. In fact, for possibly the first year ever, I haven't seen a single foreigner in Pingguo. Maybe Andge, Awl, and Venky scared them out.

I was forcing myself to stay in and doze for a bit when I got a phone call from Awl. He said he was still in Beijing but I could tell he was joking as he was calling from his UK number. But he actually was in Beijing and he was calling from his UK SIM as his Chinese credit had run out. Apparently the plane he was due to take was cancelled, and the replacement had to make an emergency landing in Russia and he needed to be in work in 14 hours. He asked if I could phone China Southern and find out what he could do as it was all a mess there. So first I bunged in some credit to his Chinese number, then called to see what we could sort out. There was nothing going to Europe from Beijing, so I asked what about Shanghai? Yes there was one to Amsterdam but the only flight to Shanghai was full and he could be put on the waiting list. In the end there was nothing to do but be sent to a hotel to wait till around 4am apparently.

Just the everyday scene of the crossroads outside our house. They stuck a traffic policeman in the middle but I don't think he's made a great difference.

By 3pm I'd barely eaten anything and called Uncle Yellow to ask when we were to go for "lunch", but he was still not sure. Haiwei then called me to see what was going on and I told him I'd be going to eat soon and did he want to come and he said yes. Then Uncle Yellow called back to say we'd be eating around 4pm now as he was working. Well actually I had work to do too so did so solidly until 5pm and decided to go to Waipo's for tea with the family. I didn't call Haiwei to let him know what was going on, or rather not going on, and realised that was quite a Chinese thing to do. Finally Uncle Yellow called and told me to come over to the cool cave when finished at Waipo's so it looked like a normal evening meal time rather than late lunch. So I called Haiwei and he said he'd pick me up after the meal he was currently having. But I got no call or lift so decided to just go to the cool cave, picking up Leilei on the way from having his hair cut with Chuan Chuan.

Many of the guys were there at the cool cave, but no Uncle Yellow. It would have been nice of him to tell me, but that's the way it often is. I didn't bother calling Haiwei back either, almost out of etiquette. Leilei and I stayed for a little while but we weren't really in the mood. Then Haiwei called and said we would go out for a meal tomorrow lunchtime. Then a tad later he called again to ask me to go for a couple of beers. I had a bit of a headache but don't have much time left here so used it as an excuse to depart and Leilei and I went to the guang chang for some bbq. Haiwei appeared a little inebriated already, and kept calling me "brother", telling me we'd eat at midday tomorrow in a way that made me unsure whether he'd remember or even be up at that time. Anyway, we stayed for 45 minutes during which time he told me he really wanted his son to learn English and go to a foreign university (not the only one) and would like me to help out of course.

Goodbye Awl, just

Up some time between 9 and 10 after a reasonable amount of sleep and decided to have a late breakfast with the kids and A Wu, as Awl was not yet out of bed (not that I checked). But at his office, A Wu was rather busy, and we ended up driving the whole 200 yards there at midday and the four of us had a nice simple meal, bringing a couple of portions back for Awl.

The kids were taken out and we were looking at which films to put on Awl's Nexus 7. We started watching Equilibrium in order to ascertain whether it was worth putting on and ended up watching the first half an hour until we realised Awl needed to go soon so he grabbed a shower and I copied over some stuff for him.

We'd already been told we had a lift to the airport with Si Ji in A Ni's car. So we got in at 2.30pm and picked up Leilei as I knew he'd appreciate the ride. Then we went and picked some other bloke up who was very important apparently. I should have known there would be more reason to go to Nanning than just taking us. Unfortunately we realised when we were going into Nanning, rather than around it, that we were dropping off the important gentleman first. This gentleman had a daughter of university age apparently, and was asking about good universities in London. It was quite a difficult conversation with new words for me like Masters and PhD and Economics. I ended up telling him I'd contact him by email and send him more info. So many people with money here want to send their offspring to study abroad - there must be money to be made there.

I asked if we needed to go to the centre and was told "no", but we ended up in the equivalent of St John's Wood on the way to Gatwick. I was not impressed and said we'd get a taxi when we dropped, but was told it would be no quicker, which was true looking at the map. Well it would have been true had we not pulled up alongside another black saloon car 15 minutes later to hand over some big brown envelope through the windows making it look like a very suspicious deal indeed. It was already 4.30 and we'd been told we'd be at the airport at 4pm, so we were worried now as we still had half of Nanning to negotiate. We were told not to worry as usual, the traffic was bad, and Si Ji drove as if he was as important as A Wu's X6. At one stage when the speed picked up a little to my horror a woman in a bright orange top with a bicycle and a long sweeping brush nonchalantly walked into the middle of the first lane and cars had to turn violently to avoid this apparent suicide attempt. I shamefully said the F word with Leilei sitting next to me. As the woman stood in the middle of the lane and we went past her, prolonging her life by seconds apparently, I noticed a load of shattered glass on the road and hoped, actually realised, that this poor woman was there to clear it up without so much as a cone to stop traffic. I would like to know what her life insurance policy would cost if she had one.

It was a quarter to five now and the traffic slowed to a halt. Si Ji had been gloating a bit before when we got a little speed up saying he knew this was the best road. What he didn't know was that he couldn't predict the accident that had happened ahead, and it was nearly 5pm by the time we passed it and zig-zagged our way through the traffic for the rest of the 10k or so to the airport making it soon after 5pm. He said he knew we'd make it, but looked a little sheepish. In the airport there wasn't much of a queue, and unfortunately I couldn't get Awl into the lounge as I wasn't flying. So Leilei and I bade him farewell and that was the last of the English to leave our shores.

I had arranged to meet Uncle Yellow at 6pm on the assumption that I'd be leaving Nanning airport around 4pm. Now that was not so much up the spout as in the teacup mixing with the milk as we had yet another errand to run in Nanning, so wouldn't be taking the ring road back either. It would have been rude to say so, but if only we'd been told about this we'd have made our own leisurely way to the airport instead of watching 30 mins of Equilibrium. Si Ji parked the car and looked annoyed as the person he needed to meet was not there and wouldn't answer his phone. I'd already phoned Uncle Yellow to inform him of my impending lateness, and not wishing to wait in the car Leilei and I got out for a stroll. There's not that much opportunity to do this as typically we're with Xixi or they're with friends or family. But here in Nanning there was just us and our imaginations. I noticed a large revolving globe outside some company opposite a park and asked Leilei what was right about the writing on the globe. I suppose it wasn't obvious to him but in general English words are spelt in the American version if there is a choice. But here was written "Business Centre". I've noticed this discrepancy before and wondered if it's simply a different translation agency or if originally most English signs were in British English and gradually it became more American; until now British English was a sign of older times.

I didn't really have much time to wonder, nor really cared that much, and Leilei wanted me to take a picture of the world in his hands which I obligingly did, before the inevitable call from Si Ji to say he'd done his business (apparently picking up of some goods and putting in the boot) and we were to go. Well we went but it took an age and a half to get out of Nanning to the fast road by which time it was gone 6.30. That makes an age about 40 minutes, but it all depends on context, and traffic jams can make 40 minutes feel like an age.

Leilei holding up the world with the help of a snooker glove

The only thing that could slow us down on the now nearly empty road to Pingguo was the weather, which it obligingly did, with another fearsome storm turning dusk into midnight blue in a minute only to light it up with the most streaking of lightning. Again, Si Ji seemed mesmerised by it which doesn't bode well for a professional driver. But it had passed by the time we finally got to Pingguo and after dropping off Leilei "no sorry you can't come with me for the meal tonight son..." I arrived 1h45m late at the cool cave where I found my friends already in good spirits and most of the food already gone. Well I did tell them not to wait for me, and like the weather, they had obliged too. But I sat down and gan bei'd with these mates, most of whom I'd ate with in the last 2-3 years, then the inevitable cai ma but I was just too full of bubbles from the beer that within 40 minutes I just had to have a rest from it. I did manage some dog though but only stayed till around 10pm as was knackered and said I'd do the kids.

Then Uncle Yellow said they'd be doing the same thing tomorrow lunchtime as they'd missed me today. I asked what time and he said from three to four. Hmmm. Well I said I'd be glad to and got a san lun che back to settle the kids and wait till Tan got back.

Pool, golf, dreadful KTV, and nice massage

A sort of lateish get-up at around 10 began Awl's last full day here. Chuan Chuan took the kids out after breakfast which left Awl and I without any particular plans and time on our side. So we decided to do what any culture-seeking young men would do in Pingguo and after having a bite to eat walked to the snooker place by the guang chang.

This time instead of using existing smelly three-finger gloves we bought new ones that we hope to use in the UK the next time we ever go to a snooker hall. Probably not a good idea to use them in a pub as their gimp-like nature may suggest something rather inappropriate. Awl had brought a little tipple with him and as by now we'd been here nearly an hour and it was gone midday (and I was eyeing a siesta) I decided to join him but found that they had no beer in the snooker hall fridge for the first time since I'd been going there the last three years. As Awl was enjoying himself on the fast table I nipped back home to replenish his supplies and to configure my own. This was not the first time my Calvin Klein cool bag had come in handy, as I managed to fit a can of Moutai beer along with some G and V ready mixed in bottles. I would have been no more than 10 mins but this time the lift took ages to come. Normally I don't mind waiting as I like the view from our floor but Awl probably didn't appreciate that.

We glove pool

But I got back via the scorching road and into the dark, air-conditioned interior where we were no longer the only people playing. We played another good hour and I mainly won but we both found it very enjoyable thanks partly to the drinks and partly that no-one was there cosseting us or asking when we'd be back or telling us to hurry up. We did leave some time after 1pm and I didn't have too much difficulty falling into a siesta.

But when I got up around 4pm I found Awl hadn't had that luxury. Fair enough he'd gone to bed earlier than me last night and had a few hours more kip. He had cleaned up the living room though, which was very thoughtful of him, though apparently maybe slightly powered by more DVDC. We'd been invited out to a boss meal again but unfortunately Awl had some work stuff to attend to - an occupational hazard I've known more than a few times here. So I went for the meal with Huang Laoban. Wow - the table was huge and I wished Awl was around to see. I also wished Tan and/or the kids were there too. In fact just a few more people would have done. As it was, we just about had more than half the 25 seats filled. The food was great and I was pretty much the only one who opted for beer instead of wine, so stayed far more sobererer than the rest.

Boss Huang's sumptuous meal

But still unsober enough to not want to force down more beer so I excused myself, which was a lot easier given the inebriation level of my fellow diners, and went for a little walk around the hotel. It was rather quiet so I opened a few doors I shouldn't have before happening upon a room at least twice the size of the one I was dining in, resplendent with a table that I estimated must have sat 45 people around. The fake grass, covering all the top except for a perimeter defined by the reach of one's hands plus a few inches for chopsticks, made it look a little like a golf green, or rather a crazy-golf green with a feature in the middle that probably housed the hole. There were a few fu wu yuan women there and I guessed they were preparing for the morrow rather than tidying up this evening's mess as it was spotless.

A golf green come table

When I got back to boss Huang's room I was told we had to go to another boss's sing-song to celebrate the fact that he had just bought a new car (a VW Touran, black of course). I got in contact with Awl and he was now ok to come along so we picked him up, albehim slightly the worse for wear, and brought him to some KTV bar I'd never been to before. I had bad vibrations early on as while waiting downstairs there were some girls smoking (looking back that feels slightly sexist). After a few minutes we went with A Wu to some room which was filled with smoke and about 30 young men from teens to mid-twenties if that. It was a horrible state of affairs with these drunken wannabe mafioso doing lines of some crap called kai fen I think. There were two women of good looks but dubious morals that probably were there to encourage drinking but even they seemed fed up with what was going on and were sitting smoking until they saw us at which time they did a couple of gan beis.

Awl being polite to one of the two girls in the room

We had no interest in staying a moment longer than necessary so we found the main man and gan bei'd a couple of times and then made our excuses and left with A Wu. As it was Awl's last night and it was already getting on for midnight we drove to the Ming Dien hotel and ordered a lovely foot wash/massage. This is what we should have been spending more time doing here in Pingguo. It was luxurious and lovely, and 90 minutes for 70 kuai each and I was happy to pay for all. Awl went for a venture to see what shouldn't be seen on the 12th floor and I did pop up to see if he was going to stay or come back. In the end I left him there as I had no matter there, and got a san lun che back home. 15 minutes later I got a call from him and he'd come back too, driven by A Wu. It was getting on for 2am so no further merriment was made, and I tried not to wake up Tan as I retired for the night, a good deal sobererer than I could have been.

Awl back

Up at a very reasonable 8.30am to find a message on my phone to say that Awl was also already up. But at least this time he'd not been up all night and gone mountain-hiking at 7am. But he was hungry and we agreed to try to find "dang bing", which was his favourite breakfast while living in Taiwan. Well we went to our local breakfast place and although they understood what we meant they didn't do that, and neither did any other place in Pingguo apparently. They do do eggy pancakes, which are perfect for me, but not in the style Awl likes unfortunately. So we got some great dumplings instead which were to both Awl and my tastes and brought loads back for Tan, Chuan Chuan and the kids.

The rest of the daytime was not particularly cultural but was good as Awl had some time to relax and read a book and I spent some time with the family. Then I heard from Tan that Xiao Pan had invited us all to a meal that evening. Thankfully Awl was feeling a lot better than yesterday and was happy to come.
Awl and I went to A Wu's office in good time but he said he had to finish some work, so when he seemed to really be finished (and after Tan had called me four times) I said I would drive and got the keys and did so. I chose a route that A Wu had a go at me about until he realised that I'd actually made a shortcut, after which he actually appreciated that I was driving.

I was very happy to hear that Lao Pan and her husband had invited us to "Shui shang ren jia" because I've been here before once or twice but never for a full meal. It is just a big boat permanently moared to the side of the You Jiang river running past Pingguo.

Tan gan bei'ing with a friend/ex-colleague

There were two tables which were generally split between men and women/children, and it this was very appropriate as the conversations were split appropriately too. As was the cigarette smoke. Awl was lively and it was great to see him as a part of the conversations and inviting gan bei's from the locals. This was really one of my favourite moments...and I'm glad Awl was there...it was simply friends eating and drinking together. We might have been continents apart but we all joined in with a couple of glasses of whatever and it felt really nice.

We had fun getting the kids back as it was raining, so the people from the restaurant gave us boxes of beer to put over the kids even though it was only a few seconds to A Wu's car. But it was quite good fun.

Umbeerellas

Chuan Chuan was there to majestically get them to sleep. We appreciated that so much as Tan got a shower and Awl and I put on the football. As I had Tan's laptop and my work one I put on the Man City and Spurs games. I felt sick to the stomach to see us lose to Cardiff 3-2 but took heart in the fact that we were by far the better team and were undone by a couple of corners. Replay that game any time and we'd win 90% of the time. But Spurs won ok and then Awl annoyingly went on about how we bought the title which meant I knew he was pissed.

We started to watch the last day of the Test but eventually Tan came back at around 1.45. She had had a right go at me about getting back after 1am before and how I should stay in a hotel so I was slightly annoyed but decided against having a go at her as I am too nice.

By 1am Awl had already gone to bed and I got a shower not long after so as Tan was back I started watching the cricket again. There were only something like 10 overs to go and it was well exciting so texted Awl to say I was going to watch in the living room. And then with four overs to go the match was stopped for bad light and therefore England limped over the winning line to win the Ashes but it was not the way it should have been. Still, even so I'd watched some history.