Pingguo, but Solitary

Roll on 12 days. I don’t particularly want to remember the long hours in the Kowloon office, despite some quite nice cheap eateries and the triggering of memories of a particularly bonding experience with Xixi in 2009 due to chickenpox.

I should not complain but the HK lounges only allow free beer so after a quadruple I knew I’d need the loo, which I did a couple of times before the flight, which was delayed half an hour. However, luck dictates that you will need to go as soon as you fasten your seatbelt, and indeed I did. Luckily the two ladies to my left (yes I’d taken a window seat) were fine about my asking for a wee just before leaving and ushered me to the aisle just before the stewardesses were to close the loos for takeoff. What a relief it was!

The two ladies were mother and daughter, living in Nanning, and seemed to be quite delighted to talk to me. I did mention that my wife was also from Nanning, the sort of thing that back in the day would let down any potential suitors, but now merely confirms my ineligibility as if…. I did mention to them that their accents didn’t seem very Guangxi and they seemed quite impressed that I guessed that they were from the North. Where, I hadn’t a clue, but when you say “narrrrrrrrrrr” instead of “nali” it sounds quite obvious even to me.

I admit to supplementing my cola from the lounge with a head of whisky from the shop, but only because there was no option other than water with Hong Kong Airlines. It sort of did the trick as the typical turbulence arrived but thankfully it lasted no more than a handful of minutes and my hands weren’t too full of sweat as they normally are. Unfortunately while pouring the said whisky into the cola not all of it went into the can. A fair amount went straight into my pocket. I could have lived with looking like I'd pissed myself while having an erection to the right, but the smell was quite pungent. Oh well, once the cola was finished I had a couple of little swigs from the 20cl bottle as we got closer to our destination. The ladies didn't speak to me much for the rest of the flight - I guess they were tired.

We only arrived 20 minutes late, but it was at the flashy new terminal at Nanning. I do like this airport because it was built with the airforce in mind, and has a much longer runway than is necessary for normal planes. But you know, just in case. I’d filled in my landing card but couldn’t remember how to write our address in Pingguo in Chinese, so left it blank and IM’d Chuan Chuan to send it when we landed. Interestingly enough I got to passport control before I had the time to write the address, and mentioned this to the chap checking my passport. He took a look at me and said “mei wenti” (no problem) and let me through. A stark contrast from eight years ago or so with small kids and they insisted I add my middle name to the entry card.

A Wu had arranged to pick me up and true to his word he was there. Big bro hugs were had and it was genuinely nice to see a familiar family face after the last 12 days. We got to his BMW X6 and started the journey back with a woman who was also there for the ride. This is very common. There is nearly always someone else there for the ride.

Filling up just outside Nanning, she's nice but thirsty...

I semi-dozed after an hour, using my counting-in-German approach. I in no way slept, but in some way avoided 100% awakeness for a 20 minute period. That helped for what was to come.

We arrived in Pingguo soon after 8.30pm and went straight to A Wu’s house to see his new one-month-old son. He was indeed very cute, and there was A Ni’s younger sister there looking after him, allowing A Ni to eat, and generally be a human again. As it was “guo jie”, an important family festival, I ate some nice duck at their place before getting in contact with Chuan Chuan and arranging to meet up at the “sing song” place where she would give me my new SIM card as once again my one from last year no longer worked.

Aaahh...baby A Wu number 2

We went to the nice central KTV that I have been to on countful occasions before, with a couple of lovely locals adorning the stairs of the entrance. This time though we had the big room on the bottom floor (or the 1st floor as they insist here).

Chuan Chuan came quite soon after and I met her outside. I gave her a big hug and now she is quite used to it from her uncle. She is still very slight for her age but a very bright young lady - sort of like a young Tan both physically and mentally.

Chuan Chuan looking more like Tan every year

Chuan Chuan stayed for a bit, while Li Mingda (A Wu’s son) came with some school friends. He’s now 14 and looking more like an adult and it is hard to remember it wasn't long ago he and Leilei were good mates. One of his friends was a pretty girl and I wondered if she was his girlfriend, though I didn’t want to embarrass him by asking.

Well Chuan Chuan and the youngsters went, and adults came and came, and I was plied with many many thimblefuls of weak beer. So much so that eventually I said I needed to go home. A Wu seemed ok with this, as presumably it gave him a chance for a break too.

We drove back to my building at well gone 1am and entered together with another bloke who was there for some reason or another. When the lift got us to the 14th floor and we got out we saw a metal gate barring our way to my front door. Needless to say we were a little peeved, and tried my front door keys to open it in some way, but it didn’t budge. There was nothing for it, I had to call Chuan Chuan. She answered and said there was no such gate. Rather than argue with her I mentioned this to A Wu and colleague and we thought we’d better check. We took the lift down to the ground floor and collapsed in laughter when we realised we’d entered the 2nd door instead of the 3rd door. What utter idiots.

Going to the correct door we had no such problems with mysterious gates and got into our flat quite easily with the new key Chuan Chuan had given me. A Wu and mate bade farewell and I was left in our place for the first time in a year with every inkling to explore but no energy to do so. I found our cover and a pillow or two and opened the can of Skol I’d grabbed from Hong Kong. But I barely had a sip before I turned on the air-con at 26 degrees and fell into a well-predicted sleep.

Sort of Back to China But on My Own

It's been a blur. But I was good on the first flight from London City to Amsterdam; I didn't take an alcoholic drink that was offered before take-off although others did. Even though it was my first experience in business class. However, the smallish plane hanging from its wings did wobble a bit too much for my liking and as soon as the on-board services arrived I did have a small white wine (it was by now after midday).

Well business class did not get me into the KLM lounge, but I was able to go to the Priority Pass one, not before having spent EUR150 on fags and perfume for my niece-in-law Chuan Chuan, though fair enough, she spent so much time with Leilei and Xixi last year, and she is gutted they aren’t coming this year.

I got to the gate earlier than necessary but needn’t have worried as I was ushered on, hanging my jacket and placing my hand luggage in a wardrobe right in the nose of the 747/400. It was a semi-double-decker, with the pilot above and behind us. I suppose if we were to crash into a mountain we’d be the first to die, but then that mightn’t be a concern. It certainly wasn’t a concern when I was offered a glass of champagne, and it really was a glass! (I didn’t care if the champagne was real).

I don’t want to recall the luxuries too much, as I’ll possibly not have the chance again, but the noise-cancelling headphones, being plied with drinks, the food, were just the precursor to the most important thing when you know you’re going to be in meetings 18 hours after you take off...fully reclining seats at the touch of a button. I normally like to watch a film or two before trying to sleep but I barely got through the second half of The Imitation Game before the nice lady came and asked me if I would like anything. “Er, may I have a cognac please?” was my reaction, and before I’d finished my sentence I had one waiting for me. I felt a little bit like Mr Benn, except my costume was my drink, or my drink was my costume. Either way I remember starting to watch something mildly intellectual about Steven Hawking and the last thing I knew I woke up to a turned off screen. Normally at this time I check the time and realise there are still seven hours to go and curse my lack of sleep. But I noticed on the screen off the chap next to me that there were under two hours of the 11+hour journey to go. Result! I’d slept the best part of seven hours on an aeroplane. Oh please let this happen again.

At Hong Kong I changed my clothes in the loo and felt quite refreshed as I got the train and tube to near my hotel. I was nearly lost but asked the old man in the reception of some building how to get to my hotel. He looked at me quizzically for half a second while I asked him if he spoke Mandarin, then broke out into a lovely smile as he explained I needed to go down the escalator then cross the road. It almost seemed to have made his day to be able to speak to someone to break the monotony of his job.

At the hotel I dumped my stuff off and met my client. He said he'd not found anywhere that sells a pint of beer but somehow I'd sniffed one out on the way to the hotel. We went there for a couple of pints and a bite to eat before I realised the sleep in the plane was not enough to be ready for tomorrow, so I went for a quick siesta. On waking, it seemed the thought of being away from the family for two weeks suddenly hit me and I video-chatted them via WeChat. It felt a lot better knowing you can do that. Tan also sent me a nice picture that will become my phone's new background for a couple of weeks at least.

Will miss these exins!

One of the best things about this hotel is the free smartphone they give you for the duration of your stay. Not only is it free to call nine countries around the world (including mobiles in the UK), but you can use it as a hotspot therefore meaning you can use your own phone/laptop online for free, unlimited. They have a potential returning customer here (Dorsett Mongkok Hotel, Kowloon).

I feared being up till 4am but a couple more beers and a travel sickness tablet later and I just made it to the end of a particularly thrilling match where we beat Chelsea 3-0 at home! It could have been more. I'm hoping being a City fan this year will be better than last - so far it certainly is!

Last flight back of 2014 and non-piano

What joy - I woke up and there were only four and a half hours of the 11h30 hour journey left. Result. No fights on the plane. No significant turbulence. It was almost as though something bad had to happen later....

We only arrived an hour late at 8am in Paris. After passports I asked about getting to Terminal 1 where the lounge was as we had five hours to kill and we might as well do it in style. We got detailed instructions on how to get there and only after that did it dawn on us that Tan couldn't get there as she didn't have a Schengen visa. Oh bloody hell. Yes I could have taken the kids and left her but it wouldn't have been fair would it? It probably would actually but I decided against it as we are a family. The ensuing five hours cost us a good 50 Euro in food and drink and that Priority Pass dug itself into my skin to tell me how much it could have saved us. At least it would have done, had it been on me.

I'd taken it, my HSBC card, and my driving licence out into a slim wallet for travelling in what I thought was an intelligent way of not carrying my whole wallet everywhere. Unfortunately I couldn't find it. I went back to security but they couldn't either and after a long search I resigned myself to the fact that they were gone. At least I spent some time cancelling the cards and ordering new ones from Paris.

Tan pointed me in the direction of a piano in the terminal, just yards away from us. I would SO have liked to play Gladiolus Rag there, but I still didn't know the last two parts properly. I should have had the confidence to play Solace, but I thought if I did I should play something else afterwards and I hadn't practised enough. I was engulfed in my desire and fear to have a go on the piano but decided against it. Had I been single and the piano been a woman I would have gone for it, but my offspring weren't riding on this, so I let discretion take the better part of valour.

Next time that will be me

I don't regret the decision, but I have resolved that should I be in the same situation again (like I was a month ago in Besancon train station in France), I will never not play due to not being good enough. I have had the chance to practise in Pingguo, but not quite enough to play in public outside of Pingguo yet. But the one thing I have promised myself from the discomfort of not playing in the Paris terminal is that I will play when the next chance arises and it is suitable. I will at least be able to play Solace and Gladiolus Rag.

That was the regretful thought I had while we finally boarded the flight to London. Annoyingly we were delayed nearly an hour as two people didn't turn up and we had to get rid of their luggage. Much more annoyingly, for the second time this year, our luggage didn't turn up in London, despite the fact it had made it from Guangzhou, and we realised it had entered the void of Air France and Charles de Gaulle and we may never see it again. Never, never take that combination of airline and airport.

But we were back if our luggage wasn't. Da Yong picked us up and we got home in the early evening and that was it. The kids went to sleep, then we went to bed. It really is just a home from home, and that's what I like about it and why I can't wait to get back too.

Last day in Pingguo yet again

I got up at around 9am and it was quite relaxing to know that we were mostly packed. I sorted out a little more stuff before Tan stated she had no space to put the rest of her stuff, despite previously saying we should only take two suitcases between the four of us! In the late morning I went to Waip's to pick up some moon cakes and found she had loads of the scrumptious, but heavy, things. Between the two of us we filled what was to be the fourth checked-in item of luggage, only slightly fearing Tan's statement that Australia was now banning the import of such produce due to uncooked eggs or something.

I dropped these off at home before proceeding to A Wu's office where I met A Ni, who said we could leave Pingguo at 7pm for our 9.50pm plane, and in one car too. I respectfully disagreed and said 5pm would be safer for various reasons, and we eventually agreed on 5.30pm, and that she'd drive too if we couldn't fit everything into the X6.

With that sort-of agreed I gave Haiwei a ring to see if he was about for a spot of last-day lunch. He said he was out of town but would be back in two minutes and would call me then. While I deliberated on waiting, one of A Ni's friends stood behind where I sat and reached out and touched my hand, saying she had never touched a foreigner before. It brought me back to 2003 when I was something different here, but I didn't take advantage in any way, just shook her hand in a normal way and said it was nice to meet her. She smiled nervously and I excused myself saying I had to see a friend for lunch.

Of course when I got to Haiwei's office a few minutes later he wasn't there, so I went across the road to the supermarket to check if my gin had been delivered but of course it hadn't, not that it mattered now. When I got back Haiwei arrived and luckily this time we didn't drink tea for an hour before lunch. The said lunch started as Haiwei, a client of his from Guangzhou, and me. We took a table that could have seated no more than six. We were served a huge orange-coloured hotpot after we'd chosen far too much meat for the three of us to humanly eat in one sitting. Then we were served some "Guilin fu ru", a spicy lump of tofu, which A Wu had nearly 10 years previously translated as "waiting for you" in one of his more successful attempts at humour. Then I realised he was absent so took a picture of the Guilin fu ru and sent it to him with a message I was waiting for him.

Guilin fu ru (waiting for you) - sounds like the name of a song

Well instead of A Wu, some rather portly boss turned up in sports gear and sat down to eat with us. He continued to talk in the local Pingguonese to Haiwei, and I was aware that Haiwei's client understood less than me, so I engaged him in conversation. He did appreciate this and we talked a little about the differences between Pingguo and Guangzhou, but I felt it a little forced. I normally don't mind that but this was my last lunch and I wanted to chill out a bit. The client didn't drink, but the portly boss did, as did three other gentlemen who turned up presently. After a little while, the conversation got louder, and more in tune with having fun. I still felt a little for the client, but blimey if I could join in then so could he.

Then A Wu did turn up with another bloke, and all of a sudden from three people there were closer to 10 around the table, and the soup was topped up, and the meat ordered again. A Wu saw me use the ladle to examine what was in the soup, and as I accidentally allowed a couple of drops to fall to the table top he slapped the top of my hand as if to tell me off. Of course I took it in good humour and laughed to show I hadn't taken the slightest offence. Then, a tad later when it had been forgotten, I saw the portly boss do the same and immediately in front of everyone I slapped him on the top of his hand quite smartly in front of all. There were a few microseconds where I realised they were just waiting for his reaction, as he was evidently pretty high up in the pecking order, but before an intake of breath could be taken he laughed out loud, which caused the same across the whole table, including the non-drinking client. I never had a doubt of course.

The portly boss is bottom left...I need to learn how to breathe in more for photos

The best part of the meal were the pumpkin leaves that we put in the hotpot soup for a few seconds before devouring. We must have had 10 portions of them before we were full. By this time Haiwei's wife and sons had turned up to help finish off the meal. Haiwei then declared himself full and tired and said he'd go for a sleep. So just like that, with no great ado I said goodbye to the others, got in Haiwei's car back to the office, and gave him a hug goodbye and that was it till next time.

Succulent pumpkin leaves about to be stewed in stew

A Wu had also gone for a kip as he was to drive us in a couple of hours, but I didn't have that luxury. Actually, I was hankering after something even better, a sneaky last massage where I might get a few minutes shuteye. I called Tan for some reason, and she had a go at me for something that didn't make sense, leaving her stressed even though I think the reason I called her was to ensure she wasn't. Oh well, it's always the same on the last day. She was at home, but I took her to Waipo's to be with the family for the last hour or so and I went to pick up a couple of provisions at the supermarket. I was still hopeful for a curtailed massage at least, but when I got home I found a few things I'd forgotten to pack. There is something about last-minute adrenalin that helps you find those small but important things you otherwise wouldn't have remembered existed, like battery chargers and Wii remotes that you haven't used for two months.

Then A Da called me to say they were waiting for me downstairs already. What? It wasn't even 5.30 and I had still thought I might be able to have half a massage. Well that thought was well and truly quashed. Apparently I was taking too long to come downstairs with the luggage, so two of A Ni's ladies came up to sort me out. Not in that way. They took down three large suitcases and the medium-sized ones between them, with A Wu and me in their wake. I told them to hang on as I needed to grab a couple of extra bits, but hang on they couldn't so I was left alone in the house for the last time for a long time. I took a breath, and walked into each room, naughtily wearing my outside shoes. The sadness beholdened me with each step into each room. Or maybe it beheld me, but it was sad anyway. There was a tad of gin left, so I toasted a solitary G&L to my favourite property and made my way out into the corridor for the last time in 2014.

As the doors closed in the lift I knew I had forgotten something. I jammed my foot to stop the doors meeting and ran back into the house. I rifled through the drawers in my study to find a small bottle of er gou tou from 2011 that I'd been meaning to take back as a souvenir for a few years. Not vitally important I suppose, but I got that American feeling of "closure", as I closed the door again, this time for the last time this year unless something amazing happens.

When I got downstairs A Wu was still working out the logistics of getting all our stuff into his BMW X6, but finally, by removing the spare wheel, we just about managed it. Tan was moaning about having too much luggage of course, but the bulk of it was hers and her blooming moon cakes. So with hand luggage on our laps, and some smaller luggage between our legs, A Wu, A Ni, and Tan drove out of our complex to pick up the kids at Waipo's, while I followed in the dian dong che.

Going to Waipo's from ours for the last time in 2014

There was no time for much drama there. Waipo and I had a hug, which she has now become used to on an annual basis and still hasn't learnt to make it appear natural. But I know she appreciates it. Then a hug for Chuan Chuan and a couple of handshakes and we were away, driving out of Pingguo again. Sad and sweaty.

We drove all of two minutes before stopping to get petrol. While filling up, I went to the shop and picked up a face cloth for a reason I would hope to fathom out later. It was really just a souvenir. I had brought an old (but clean) white Umbro tee-shirt with me that I had left in 2008 and never worn since. To me it meant something but I couldn't make out what. In what is possibly the worst attempt at charity ever, after going to the loo, I hung it up on a hook by some cleaning equipment in the vain hope that some cleaner lady (or gentleman) might see it and claim it for their own. For some reason, the image of it hanging there is imprinted indelibly in my mind. Hopefully I learn something from it.

Umbro tee shirt from 2008 is on the left. I shall learn nothing from this.

The rest of the journey to Nanning was fine, possibly helped by the G&L. We arrived around 7pm and leisurely lined up in the queue we were told to go to, until a couple of minutes later I realised we were in the non-China Southern one. We actually asked an airport employee and told him which airline and he still got it wrong. This must be the seventh time in a row I've been sent to the wrong queue. Thankfully the China Southern queue was shorter, and I gave myself a mini fist-pump that the woman talked to me in Chinese. At least I did until she began to look worried and called someone else over. Then she became worried and called someone else over. When the three of them put on a triple-worry it became contagious and I too became worried.

The kids slept in the car at least

Normally we take copious pics here - this year only time for one...sob sob

Fed up of being worried I came to my senses and asked them what the devil was going on, although literally translated it was more like "what is the problem?". It transpired they thought we would have close to no chance of making our connection in Guangzhou, and the various phone calls they were making were to see if they could get us through. Apparently we only had 90 minutes in Guangzhou, but we'd have to do immigration. Suddenly, one of the ladies had the great idea of getting us on the earlier plane that was leaving in 20 minutes. She printed off the boarding cards pronto and ushered us in the way of security.

I nearly insisted in going to the lounge first, but Tan's eyes said otherwise (not to mention her voice). There was barely time for a hug for A Ni and A Wu before we went through, and luckily the gate was the closest but we were still the last on the plane. No time for sad goodbyes - I suppose that is the best way. Tan and the kids were right on the back row and somehow I was a couple of rows ahead. On the positive side that did mean I could enjoy a quick beer en route of a thankfully relatively low-turbulence experience during the 45 minutes in the air.

But bloody hell, at Guangzhou the queues were long enough to completely justify us getting the earlier plane. No way we'd have made our connection with even half the wait on the later plane. Also, it meant we had the luxury of an hour or so in the lounge, which at Guangzhou is one of the nicer experiences, and they have cold beer if you ask them nicely. I ended up chatting to some of the nice lounge hostesses and they plied me with red wine, which I hadn't had in weeks. It was more interesting than chatting to the South African ladies we'd been sitting with before, who didn't have a kind word to say about China, and I think they thought I would tacitly agree. One of the hostesses kindly came to us to let us know our flight was ready for boarding, even though this wasn't an advertised service. Having said that, we were some of the last people to board yet again. The plane left the gate well before time but after taxiing for a few moments stopped and we were told there were technical problems, which kept us that way for an hour. They shouldn't say that. Luckily, I'd taken on a couple of provisions from the lounge, and they didn't stop us going to the toilet.

Finally we set off, up into the night. Maybe it was the wine, and maybe it was the couple of co-codemol I had taken for my back, but I had barely eaten my meal when I left Leilei watching his film and drifted into the arms of Morpheus. Well it had been a long day.

Reflections of yesteryear, literally

Due to my shenanigans last night riding through Pingguo without a care in the world, I woke up at 10.30, feeling rather good. I had a memory of Boss Hu inviting us for a meal at midday and mentioned this to Tan but she said she had a prior engagement. So anyway at 11.45 I rang Boss Hu and he was absolutely on for the meal, but it was in some place I'd never heard of. Nonetheless I got on the bike with the kids and went to the government building by the guang chang and eventually Hu saw us and beckoned us to turn right and a couple of minutes later we found ourselves in the resplendent new restaurant.

A Wu had called me while I was searching for this place, and I'd said I was going to find Boss Hu to eat, but wasn't sure A Wu was invited. Stupidly, apparently, as they were now xiong di of course A Wu was going there, with A Ni and A Da. It was a pity Tan wasn't there as it was a great meal and I'm sure A Ni would have preferred her company. Thankfully we didn't have to gan bei too many beers after the first few rounds, but I really hoped for a siesta. We were absolutely stuffed and didn't leave till gone 2pm.

Well we thought we had left but as soon as we got half way home Leilei gave the distraught shriek that could only mean he'd left the iped behind. Other than my annoyance at the waste of time I had no problem worrying that it might have been stolen and indeed as soon as we returned he found it and we went back home a bit happier.

I stayed at home with the kids for a bit while I learned that Tan had actually been to A Hua's friend's place to have a number of fillings done. For free, apparently - you couldn't pay me to have that sort of stuff done here.

An idea that had been nagging inside of me for some years now was to find some old photos and compare them with today's versions. It's been nearly 11 years so there was the possibility of it being interesting. But although I had just about every photo I took from 2003/4 there were very few outside where I might actually be able to find again and try to replicate. However, I did find a couple and the kids were excited to set off and find these places to do a 2014 version.

Our first stop was a very important place. It was the house we stayed on our first visit together to Pingguo. Lu Hai and Lao Ma lived there together at the time, before they separated a few years later. But we had our own room and it was there that I proposed to Tan back in November 2003 (not that I will ever tell Leilei that). So it was with some significant sadness that I found the salon was being cleaned out by his parents. Apparently he has moved to Yunnan for the foreseeable future, which was why he wasn't around last night. I gave him a call and got through to him and he confirmed this. I expressed my sorrow and he said he would come back to Pingguo but I didn't know if this meant on holiday or permanently. Although the parents were preparing for new people to come and live, I understood that at least they were only renting the place out, not selling, and it gave me hope that we might be able to visit this place once more - if we wanted to. Isn't it supposed to be romantic to visit the place where you proposed and do something?

Lu Hai's place in 2003...

...and in 2014 with trees and steps added

We then went to Lao Ma's place (Lu Hai's ex-wife) and found that it was pretty much the only business on that street that had not changed in the last 11 years. The kids and I were looking at our old photos and saw that every other shop within eyeshot had changed. Having said that it's pretty much the same in Blackheath so maybe I'm reading too much into things, and maybe it's a sign of my age that I like things to stay the same.

Looking up the street from Lao Ma's salon in 2004...

...not a single shop remains the same in 2014...

...except for Lao Ma's salon - here in 2004...

...although she was closed today

We then moved on to what I thought was Waipo's place where we stayed in 2009 when Andge came for the first time. It was both happy and sad to see the old place on the corner, and I immediately had memories of the blasted (in both senses) music that emanated from 8am till late at night from the mobile phone shops below. There are a couple of women with a kid living there now and we scared the living daylights out of them as we peered in their open front door before explaining to them how we used to live there and there seemed to be some connection between them and Tan's family but I didn't get it 100%. Anyway they were very friendly and invited us in for some water and a chat, before we made our way to the roof and took a couple of snaps of the ever-changing Pingguo.

View from Waipo's old place in 2006...

...and eight years later there is a lot more in the background and they've covered the static clock

We finally just went to what to me is the centre of Pingguo, where the bus station used to be, and had trouble locating where a couple of 2005/6 photos were taken but I reckon we managed it. Then Ma Laoban called me to and it was good that he did as I wanted to see him before I left. We first went to the Bai Hua supermarket (and they still don't sell anything fizzy without sugar despite being the fanciest supermarket in Pingguo), where I got the kids drinks of their choices (horrible sweet blackcurrant drinks with bits in).

At Ma Laoban's office we were treated to tea as per usual, but this time to my pleasant surprise the kids joined in too, and quite enjoyed this red version. Then, after having explained a bit more about how to take the cod liver oil and the lecithin, he presented me with a variety of teas as my present. I was sort of expecting it as I wouldn't hear of accepting money for what I gave him, but it was still a really nice gesture, and I so look forward to having a place of my own to have a permanent tea table to enjoy it. Well if I was living in Pingguo I would have such a place.

We left nearly an hour later as I said we needed to go to Waipo's for tea, so a couple of hugs later we were on the dian dong che and after dumping the tea at home we went to Waip's. But strangely, even though this was our last evening, she hadn't prepared any food. Not that that was a problem at all, I had just assumed she'd want a last evening together. So for the last time this year, the kids and I went to our local place for a couple of portions of bao zi. Finally, for the first time this year, and the fourth time in the total time I've known her (at least the last three years), the owner smiled at me, when I told her we'd be leaving tomorrow, and we'd miss her wares. Was she smiling because we were leaving? I do hope not.

As soon as the kids were eating I got a call from my new friend from this year, Chen. He said he and his mates were eating at the Beef place with Uncle Yellow. I had to give an uncommitted answer; I thought I had put on the washing but for some reason I had forgotten to push the button after putting all the powder in, so I knew it would be close to an hour before I could even hang out the clothes. But anyway I dumped the kids at Waipo's as I knew Chuan Chuan would want to take them out on their last night before returning home to do a little packing and sink a couple of beers before the washing cycle finished.

A Wu had called to say we were to go to Tian Yang Po's for a bbq this evening and that was a good idea, but I said I really needed to be back for 10pm as I needed to pack. He said rubbish as I had all day tomorrow and he was right but I didn't want to give the true excuse that I wanted to watch the City-Stoke match that started at 10pm. So I said I'd be there at 8.30pm but not stay too late.

Chen called me again and I thought sod it I'd go to the beef place for a bit at least. I told him to wait 10 mins and finished putting out the clothes to dry and somehow managed to remember where the place was. I knew most of the blokes but there were a few new ones and I had to do a number of gan bei's, which I didn't complain about. I even had some of the lovely fried beef, but explained I had to go in a bit to eat and drink and they seemed to understand. For some reason (alcohol) all the blokes, even the new ones, had to give me a hug goodbye as we did our final gan bei's, and I was genuinely quite sad to be leaving this bunch as I'd had a few great and friendly meals with the ones I knew.

I got to Tian Yang Po's at around 8.45, in order to be able to leave early but no-one else was there. And no-one appeared until well after 9pm when Lu Wen came with a posse of what Tan would call mafia. They were already quite well oiled but I still had to gan bei each of them. Eventually others arrived in dribs and drabs and I realised A Wu had invited quite a few people in my name. All the girls came too, and conveniently they had their own table. We ended up having a great time on our last night here, with smashing food and company to boot. I'd kept up with the City game and found we were losing at home 1-0 and it was half time. I made my excuses and said I was tired and needed to pack, so left at 11.15pm, well into the second half as I thought somehow my watching the game might help.

Tian Yang Po making the best bbq in Pingguo in 2004...

...and still going strong 10 years later

Bloody karma dictated that we would end up losing 1-0 and I wished I'd stayed with my family and friends at Tian Yang Po's bbq. But before I got too consumed with too much regret Tan arrived home and announced that she was drunk. And she actually was semi-staggering so she must have had more than a glass. I got her to sleep without too much trouble except for two visits to the loo, then thought what to do as it was gone half midnight and I was into our last day.

So of course I got on the bike and went to see Huang the Beihai food boss, and he was there and happy to see me as business was starting to tail off for the evening. We sat down for a chat together and I happened to mention a few years ago when I ate raw prawns at his old place with Lu Hai. Of course that was his cue to run off and find a few and bring them back in a bowl of water. But it was great to spend half an hour with Huang; we get along well even if we disagree about the Japanese, and we talk about cars and shit just like mates at in the UK so I thoroughly enjoyed my last minutes of my last evening.

Enjoying raw prawns with Huang at close to 1am

On the way back I miraculously remembered that for the last couple of days I'd been carrying around a number of jumpers and other clothes for winter. In 2008 we'd stayed from early October till the end of December and for some reason I thought we might do the same again, so left all my warm winter clothes at the place we were staying. As it's happened, rather predictably I've not experienced a moment under 30 degrees Celcius since 2008 and my polo-neck green sweater and jacket and jeans have just been washed each year without any purpose. In the absence of any Oxfam in Pingguo, I had kept these clothes in the back of the dian dong che for the last couple of days, looking for an appropriate place to place them. I realised I had no more time for looking, so drove around for a few mins until I spotted a couple of blokes outside a China Mobile shop near Lao Ma's. I didn't have a plan so left my Sainsbury's bag of winter clothes between the two of then and hoped they weren't actually the world's first queuers for the iphone 6.

I hope the clothes will be of some use to someone when it gets colder

When home I used what little energy I had remaining to pack our pictures among my clothes. I would have succumbed to sleep a little earlier but I had anger-energy from an article I had read some time before that had referenced the fact that the Oxford English Dictionary had now allowed one of the meanings of the word "literally" to be used for emphasis while not actually being true. Now I totally accept and like the fact that the English language is constantly evolving, and note it as its main strength, but if one word should be left alone it is "literally". "Literally" is the cornerstone of words, and is not to evolve or be played with. Everything else is relative and malleable. If you can't be able to describe something literally you have no point at which to reflect how non-literal something is, because you don't know how real the "literal" thing is. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but it kept me awake and at least I used this time to do some packing.

The last table tennis and the last supper

Somehow I'd stayed up later than I thought last night, but still awoke after four hours' sleep at 7am. I decided it could take too long to get back to sleep, and although I didn't feel like it I logicked myself into getting some sports clothes on and forced myself to go to the old people's leisure centre.

It was one of those decisions that you know you will not regret as nothing, short of being struck by lightning on a 12mph moped, could go wrong. I met some of my old friends, probably for the last time this year, and started to feel better as I sweated out what was within. Mr Happy saw me practising with some people and made it his turn. It was like a cat playing with a mouse at first, but this mouse turned. I started smashing his horribly spinny serves and sometimes they got back and he couldn't return them. It made me feel great, but it made him laugh even more - so much more he really did look like a Mr Man. Had I found his Archille's heal? Apparently not, as he challenged me to first to three games and won 3-0, but he nearly had a fit when I performed my reverse-spin-chop serve that he returned almost to the neighbouring table. Tan says that serve is illegal. She is wrong.

I was getting into my swing as I hadn't played for over a month, but not going all out on the smashes as I didn't want to kill my back a couple of days before a 12 hour plane ride. I lost 3-0 to the next bloke too, but was gaining in points and confidence. When the next bloke challenged me I was really up for it, and used my back hand smashes to great effect to win the first game by a few points. I won the second by even more and I started having dreams of victory. But then reality struck better than my ability regarding the ball and I lost the next game. So I pulled what little resources I had left and focused on the next game and reaped the benefits of a more disciplined approach of playing to my opponent's weaknesses and won. 3-1 yeah, and he wasn't even playing with his weaker hand!

After that a bloke named Zhang came up and started practising with me and I was grateful I could rest on my tiny laurels and not have to play competitively again. He'd given me his phone number last month and I'd said I'd call him to go for a beer. He mentioned it again and I said I'd call him this evening.

I got home and showered and before I knew it it was midday. I should have just bought some jiao zi and had them at home and slept for four hours but instead I walked outside to take in the sun. I called Haiwei to see if he wanted a bite to eat but he was out of town and said he'd call me back in a couple of minutes when he'd be back so I went to A Wu's office to wait. A Ni and A Da were there - A Da gave me a hug as he often does for some reason - I fear it's because he doesn't get that much affection normally. I waited for a good 10 minutes before Haiwei rang to tell me to meet him in his office in a minute. Of course when I got there two minutes later he wasn't there so I went to the supermarket to check if my gin had been delivered but unsurprisingly it hadn't.

The view from the lift again - it's not much but I'll miss it sorely

I got back to the office as Haiwei arrived and of course instead of going to eat we sat down and drank tea for a bit. Eventually at 1pm we drove to a place I hadn't been to before, a couple of doors away from A Wu's massage place. There were four of us and we had a pretty decent lunch with just a few beers for Haiwei and me. When we finished I said I'd pay as I had called Haiwei and after hearing nothing of it he eventually gave way. 270 kuai was not the cheapest for four people but we were well stuffed. I was slightly saddened by the food hygiene notice that was displayed, as all such establishments apparently have to show. They had only achieved "Fair", which was the lowest of the three possible categories.

I really tried to get to sleep when I got back, and may have managed 15 minutes but for some reason it wasn't happening. I think it was my body or brain telling me I should stay awake to take in everything I could until we leave the day after tomorrow.

I was now peeling like a shedding snake after my time on the beach a couple of days ago and when I got up from my tiny nap I left a disgusting human-shaped mass of dead skin on the bed. Tan had had the good idea of me going for an oily massage to help get rid of it. She also said I'd be able to sleep there, which was appealing (haha). So I took the dian dong che at around 3.30pm and just before I arrived decided to pick up a quick can of Li Quan from the restaurant where I'd eaten just a couple of hours before. I sort of regretted it straight away as I didn't want to drink it outside looking like a wally, and didn't want to enter the massage place with it in my hand. So I stuck it in my pocket and hoped they wouldn't think I was too excited.

There were many smiles as I walked in, and I don't think it was because of my pocket, but more out of recognition that I was here again, and by myself. I explained about my exposure to the sun and that I'd like to have an oily massage in a way that had I done in the UK I'd have expected something different. I was led upstairs to a lovely room and told to wait for a bit and put on the massage pyjamas and take a shower if I wanted. That was it, my opportunity to get rid of the beer. But in fact I did manage to finish it in a few glugs in the shower and it went down better than I thought. Being typically British I crushed the can and put it back in my trouser pocket so they wouldn't know.

The masseuse sounded mortified when she saw my naked back and kept asking if it hurt when she rubbed me, but in fact it was lovely with the oil. She went rather too low on my buttocks for my comfort, not that it was not comfortable, rather it was too comfortable. Then, when she told me to move onto my back I was rather embarrassed. I had to put a few folds in the towel above my loin area so as to disguise any potential excitement that might have occurred. Whether or not she noticed anything, she went ahead professionally and did the stomach massaging and all. When the hour was up I was so comfortable and she said I could stay and sleep. I nearly did but I noticed then the globules of fatty substance beside me on the couch and realised they were rolled up bits of my skin and that this must have been coming off in her hands for the last hour. Luckily, due to the downed beer in the shower I didn't care as much as I might have, and managed half an hour of on-and-off dozing before getting my clothes on as I knew I had things to do on my penultimate Pingguo pm.

Back home I nearly fell asleep again but I knew I had to call Zhang, and then go our for my annual lads' night out at the Beihai seafood place. So at 6.15 I called Mr Zhang and he told me to meet him outside his block by the guang chang. This I did five minutes later and he got on my dian dong che and we drove to one of the evening eat places opposite Waipo's place. He wasn't exactly sure where to go as he was meeting a friend himself who wasn't answering his phone, so we sat down at a table and ordered two bottles of beer. By the time we'd finished one his mate answered the phone and explained where he was, so we quickly finished off the second bottle and paid 14 kuai for the two which I thought was quite pricey, then drove off.

As luck would have it Zhang's mate was waiting at the Beihai seafood place where I was planning on being this evening anyway. His mate was there with his son, and I found out both Zhang and his mate were northerners who had come to Pingguo in the early 90s. Interestingly, they had spent time in Saudi Arabia, Kazakhstan, and Pakistan among other places, and I understood they were in the railway business as engineers.

We had a nice couple of beers, but as I said I was expecting to stay on to see friends later on this evening, they didn't ask me to drink too much. In fact they both drank a glass of medicine alcohol, and it made me think of our conversation this morning when I was saying it's ok to have a couple of drinks now and again as long as you are active. He vehemently agreed but said that smoking is definitely a no-no, even though most people play table tennis better than him and smoke like chimneys. Well after speaking a few sentences of English for the mate's son, they both said they needed to go at around 8ish, so I gan bei'd and wished them so long.

A Wu had said he'd be back from Nanning before 8pm and wanted to eat with me so I rang him up and he arrived just as he answered. That was good as there was still some nice seafood on my table so he agreed with me that we should not waste it and polished the plates off. I'd called my mates and all with the exception of Lu Hai, whose phone was off, agreed to come. The night transpired to be great, just as such evenings in the past. I was happy that Jiefu could come as I hadn't seen him this year, and he also brought some cool aeriel photos of Pingguo from some drone remote-controlled aircraft.

Looking directly over the guang chang

A 30 second exposure a bit outside of the centre of Pingguo

Our block is on the left, the guang chang on the right

Another bloke I hadn't seen this year was Boss Hu. He's now a big buddy of A Wu (thanks to my matchmaking skills from four years ago), and arrived a little the worse for wear. He kept apologising for having already had a couple but it was unnecessary. He was certainly in the spirit of things though and gan bei'd every time he was offered. I was greatly relieved when his wife arrived in a large white saloon car - not because he was going home, but because she was driving. He promised to invite us to a meal tomorrow at midday but I wasn't sure if he'd remember.

Uncle Yellow, A Wu, Li Kun, Peng, Chen, and Jiefu - the last men standing at well gone midnight

Err...there must have been a strong magnet under the table...

I ordered more food and the beer ordered itself and a great time was had by all. The only slight blip of the evening was at about half past midnight when I was getting a lift back home with A Wu.... My friend Huang, the seafood boss, started shouting at me about my bike and I suddenly realised I had arrived on it and had forgotten to take it back. With my tail between my legs I got out of A Wu's BMW and thanked Huang as I mounted my electric steed and drove in the direction of home.

Of course I didn't go straight home; I drove around for a good 10-15 minutes drinking in what I won't be able to do soon. I had the 30kph wind in my hair and was free of concerns just for a little bit and it felt great.

More photos, food, and rain

We all got up at a leisurely hour and let the kids play for a bit. It's not like we'll have many more such days. At lunchtime Tan declared she'd only eat grapes during the daylight hours, so I took the kids to the nice place opposite I'd taken them just before going to Fang Cheng Gang a few days ago. I had to choose between buying two portions and wasting most, or buying one and risk insulting the owners who would have expected a tad more income. This time I only got one portion between the three of us as the pain of wasting food was more than that of not paying as much, and all I ate was the egg and some greens.

So without a full stomach we went to my favourite Nan Cheng Bai Hua supermarket but as expected the gin had still not been delivered. We got a bit of stuff, but the main reason I went was to sort out my VIP cards. I had three, and asked how many points each had. One had about 3500, another 2500, and the other 1000. But I was told I could merge them all, so I said ok, and received yet another new card, the fourth in as many years. What I should have done is ask what the 7000+ points actually represented.

My Nan Cheng Bai Hua VIP card with 7000+ points

Then we went to pick up the photos we'd ordered. It was an extra 560 kuai but at least we can bring them back with us. After dropping off the photos and getting approval from Tan I lay down for a while as my back was killing me for some reason.

Photos that will actually fit in the suitcase

After a bit of medicine I took the kids out again, this time for Leilei to have his hair cut. We went to Lao Ma's, as we had done several years ago. But now it's a lot easier than say in 2008 when he would only let her cut his hair when he was busy with the electric razor shaving my forearm. The kids were happy to stay at Lao Ma's and play with her dog Aili while I went to the supermarket.

I was on the road for 30 seconds before the heavens opened and it was all I could do to find shelter under the overhanging of a shop with a fellow electric biker. The five minutes we spent together made for a nice chat about the weather and things in general, where he was from, just outside Pingguo, and I didn't even feel like a foreigner.

The rain cleared up as quickly as it arrived and was starting to dry off some of the more exposed areas of the ground as I arrived at the supermarket a minute later. I picked up the stuff I wanted (cups and bowls for T and E), picked up the kids and dropped them off with Chuan Chuan as Uncle Yellow had called me and reminded me we were going to Li Kun's place to drink tea this afternoon.

I got a lift with Uncle Yellow in his sister's car and we got to Li Kun's and indeed did drink lots of tea for an hour or so. Tan had called a bit earlier to say we had been invited to a meal at 6pm at Li Jia He Xian by her ex-colleague, so I had to leave a tad later. But Li Kun made me promise I'd come back afterwards as some friends would be there. I said of course I would, and not to pick me up as I'd take the dian dong che.

An Italian VW?

Uncle Yellow dropped me off at home to pick up the bike, but I popped inside at first for a bit of medicine. Tan called and I feared the typical "where are you??!!" even though it was a couple of minutes to six, but in fact it was to ask me to pick up something from the house, exactly where I was. Despite my justification for arriving after 6pm I did receive the "where are you?" call moments later while on the bike for the two minute journey to the restaurant. I told her I was just arriving. This was pretty much true, but it was also true for up to 200 guests turning up for a wedding meal. I was just about to sneak in before they all started but I was just five seconds too late. They started really slowly filing in, each handing in their red envelopes and receiving some monkey nuts and cigarettes in return. After five minutes of this, feeling like ten, and realising it could take many more, I worked out I wouldn't be jumping the queue if I jumped in, as it wasn't my queue. So I put on my best smile and politely as possible squeezed into the queue and felt embarrassed to not be giving a red envelope as I got slowly swept upstairs.

The phone was ringing again and I didn't have to look to see it was Tan. But instead of answering I could see about 100' down the corridor Leilei and Xixi, so waved to them. They could at least tell mama that I would be there soon, but I could only move as slowly as the wave of wedding goers would permit. At least I had a reasonable excuse for being a tad late.

There were only Tan's ex-colleague, her husband, their son, and us four at the meal. Despite the fact that both the parents are English teachers, and introduced themselves with their English names, they were the only English words that were uttered during the evening. This was to my considerable relief, as I know it must be difficult to maintain any standard of English living here. I did make an effort to speak a little English to their son though.

It was a pleasant enough meal, and the husband and I shared six Li Quans while we spoke about what it was like 30+ years ago when the girls were in infant school together. Afterwards, we said our good byes and Tan went to see her friends and after dropping off the kids, I went back to see Li Kun. I hadn't realised he was having a pretty big meal at his house, and as soon as I arrived I was given a seat and a bowl and chopsticks and told to eat. Well, it's like that, so I picked a little and joined in with a few gan beis and had a lot more fun than than at the previous meal.

At one stage I had to pop out for a couple of minutes due to the gas of the beer, and just avoid it for a bit. There were four or five ladies outside looking like they were making red earphones for aircraft. I ended up chatting with them and having a laugh for a bit until Uncle Yellow came to find me and bring me back. Got back home stuffed.

My earphone ladies

Mini magical mystery tours, piano, and meal

Woke up at 10 as Uncle Yellow was calling me to see if I could go out to eat this evening. I said ok, hopefully, before falling back to sleep for another 30 mins. I mean, it's got to be done as we'll be gone soon.

I took the kids out at midday to get some diaozi and baozi then drove to get a pai qiu, a simple volleyball, to play with. We then went on a mini mystery tour to the basketball stadium to find a place to eat in the shade. They actually ate pretty well, helped by the fact they hadn't had breakfast. We spent more time than most people would deem healthy watching some rather large ants gallivanting on a tree. Two of them seemed intent on bringing back a bit of dried bird poo and I told Leilei they were drunk, which he thought was amusing.

Nice lunch of bao zi and jiao zi

Showing off the decals that we recently adorned the dian dong che with

We then went for a walk around the locked basketball stadium and saw that a football stadium was being built nearby too. Will there be a Pingguo Utd soon? Due to the growing heat we went back home at 1.30 and chilled for a bit under the A/C. I tried to get a nap but Uncle Yellow called again just to confirm tonight.

I headed this ball into the stadium that is being built

At 4pm I called Tan to tell her I'd be out for a meal soon. She was once again at the doctor's. If he's any good why are all her friends always there? I mean I can understand going for massages regularly but when it's someone who's supposed to cure things it doesn't seem right that you see him more than your husband.

I managed to drop off the kids a tad early and went to practise piano until Uncle Yellow's friend Chen called 20 minutes later. Yesterday's piano room fan was not working so I went to another room to play. But the piano there was so out of tune I ended up practising Pine Apple Rag and ended up having a go at Maple Leaf Rag as it was the only thing that could cure such an instrument. I was over the 10 minutes I told Chen I'd be so went home after forcing 10 kuai on the piano place boss, even though I'd only been there 30 mins and she didn't want anything. Chen called soon after I got home so I met him and we drove the 5 minute walk to the house to eat.

Having a go at Maple Leaf Rag

This was another family affair in a normal house, and there were women and kids. I noticed a guitar on display but when I went to reach it I sadly noted it only had four strings. I didn't have long to be sad though as I was called to eat with the other blokes. I was a bit disheartened to be served German beer. Not just because it was foreign but because it was twice as strong as our normal beer. I needn't have worried though as we were soon on the 2.5% Snowflake beer.

With some of my mates at the meal

I'd left Skype on so of course got a colleague asking me to do something. Actually, this came as a relief as I could genuinely say I needed to go home for a bit. I got a lift there, and half an hour later took the dian dong che back to the house to continue the meal until 10ish, except on the way I remembered to stop off at the seamstress with whom I'd left my trousers to have the pockets fixed. I was so happy to see the job she'd done, and she only wanted 6 kuai. I had 7 loose and managed to get her to accept them.

It's like having a new pair of trousers

I wasn't back at the meal for more than 45 minutes when Tan called me to pick the kids as she was going somewhere. I was quite grateful for this second excuse too as I was stuffed, so said my goodbyes to my friends.

We'd moved on to bull testicle before I left

I picked up the kids and took them on another magical mystery tour but this time it was "only" to the Beihai seafood place, where we had a little to eat and drink before Tan called angrily at 11 to ask where we were, even though we were about to leave. Grrr. At least the kids enjoyed it before I took them home and got them showered.