No sleep and A Wu's second son's first birthday

Literally no sleep. Gave up at 5am and got up at 6.30 to go for another jog. At least I had a target - three laps, which I just managed but the last one was hard. I did it in just under half an hour so room for improvement. Of course no-one was up when I got back so I thought I'd take the dian dong che for a little ride. Before 10am it can be quite quiet here, but I happened upon a nice soup place that I'd been to before so decided to stop for a sweetcorn soup and a fried egg. For some reason the fried egg request required a bit of conversation to properly imbue what I wanted but that was ok. I had my light breakfast but not before Englishly apologising for not ordering very much as I wasn't really that hungry.

Hardly a full English

Tan took the kids out and I managed to stay up till A Wu called me soon after midday to eat "steak soup". Ok let's do this. We drove a whole minute away from our place to this place that served soup with some beef in it and it was fine. But I was starting to flake. Problem was we needed to go to the boss's place to drink tea for a bit. Well it was ok, I didn't talk too much under the excuse of being tired and A Wu was actually true to his word that we'd leave at 1.30. So I got to sleep soon after 2pm but for some reason I woke up at 4.30.

Not a massive lunch either

I would have liked at least another hour, but Tan called to say we were going to A Wu's son's birthday dinner at 6pm. Well yesterday A Ni had said it was at 6.30, and at this moment the extra 30 minutes would have meant a lot more rest in terms of percentage at least. So I grabbed a coffee, which is about the only thing I can make for myself in our house, and then grabbed another.

There were more adults and fewer children than I expected for a baby's first birthday, and soon discovered it was more an excuse for a get-together as the beers came out. Every five minutes or so another plate or two of steak was served. It was quite amusing watching the locals go at it with knives and forks, and when I had a go they all looked quite surprised at how able I was to cut chopstickable-sized portions with ease. Then it was my job to do all the cutting as the steaks arrived on their plates, as we weren't going to be having a plate each as per Western style - there was already a lot of local food on the table and no space for them.

Oh why do they still chill red wine?

About as successful as most westerners are at using chopsticks

Lads and beer

As other such evenings have worn on, this one saw the kids leave first, then the ladies, leaving the blokes with their beer. I couldn't very well not join in but I was trying to be good and not over-imbibe. Cai ma was followed by a new drinking game which is actually rather fun and simple. The blokes stand around a table (preferably wooden and varnished) and one has to slide a half glass of beer to the bloke at the other end. If it gets beyond a certain point (I never did ascertain exactly where the point was) the bloke you're facing has to drink the beer. If it doesn't go far enough or goes off the end, then guess who has to drink. Needless to say on my first go and slid the glass straight off the table. It reminded me of that school game where you have three goes to nudge a 50p to leave it hanging over the end of the table then you flick it up and try to catch it.

Really poor shot from me but not as bad as the camerawork

Some time later instead of going home as I had hoped, we went to one of the boss's office where there was more beer, and tea if anyone wanted. I didn't want either, so as an excuse to stop drinking I went downstairs and found a foot massage place. My word, it hurt it was so hot, and I don't have the most insensitive of feet either. But my plan worked - for 40 kuai I had not just a foot but a body massage (which are always better when slightly tipsy), and an hour off the booze. Of course I was made to catch up back in the office and somehow we found ourselves in a KTV place later.

Painful foot massage that was worth it

Problems trying to register and problems down below

Blimmin' well woke up at 4.30am and fought against wakefullness without success. Well sleep's loss would be counterbalanced by fitness's gain, as at 6.30 I resolved to do a couple of laps of the guangchang. I downed an open can of sugary Vit C lemon drink that had lost its fizz and took just the dian dong che keys, the house keys, and my phone. Outside the building I couldn't see the dian dong che. Had I parked it by the wrong front door? I walked up and down the back of the building clicking the unlock button on the fob in vain hoping to hear the "wee wee" sound of it unlocking the alarm. Finally I accepted that it had probably been stolen - I've often been told to make sure I lock it by putting a metal thing throug the wheel but I've never bothered so it's only my own fault. What would I tell the kids? As I went back up the lift to put the keys away I traced my movements from yesterday...but I hardly moved yesterday...A Ni's place opposite, then a lift with Zhang to and from the table tennis place.

Runkeeper uses Google Maps so it doesn't look like anything, but one lap of the guangchang is almost exactly one mile

But then I had a spark of hope. How did I get the 50 yards from our door to A Ni's place across the road? I wouldn't have driven would I? As I approached the entrance I could see some cars parked outside her restaurant and had to walk for an agonizingly long time until I saw what I thought might be a wing mirror between the cars...oh yes it was my trusty steed and my relief was audible.

I found that the perimeter of the guangchang, or at least the perimeter that I jogged, was exactly one mile, and managed two of them, the second being considerably slower and hotter than the first due to the rising sun. A quick trip home to eat a cereal bar and pick up my bat, then went for an hour's ping pong at the old people's leisure centre to finish off and I felt I'd done a decent morning's workout, and one I can improve on.

I went for a quick trip on the dian dong che and knew one of the things I absolutely had to do was to register us with the local police. For once it only took me about 10 minutes to find the place as I knew the vicinity roughly. The bloke in the first office I went to told me to go to another office upstairs, where the girl told me I needed to go to a downstairs office. As I walked in this one I found myself behind the counter of a public office, but on the side with all the police people and the general public on the other side. I embarrassedly excused myself and found my way to the street entrance where I waited my turn and explained to the stern looking woman what I needed to do. She then told me to come to the back entrance again and then took my upstairs to the first place I'd been told to go to.

Apparently there was a new system in place, so now the girl from upstairs accompanied the stern uniformed woman and me back downstairs to the original place I'd stumbled upon on the police side of the counter. It would have been a bit unfair expecting them to know how to use a new system for something that happens pretty rarely in Pingguo. The girl used a horrifyingly easy username/password combination to log in (the same single letter for each), but couldn't see the screens she was after. She took a couple of photos of the screen with her phone and sent them to a colleague via WeChat. Eventually it transpired they were using the wrong credentials to log in (phew). Then she logged in with the number of the uniformed woman who by now appeared to be warming to me. We got as far as inputting most of my details before it became clear there was something wrong. It seemed that this login also had some issues - it was apparently associated with a different area or something.

Taking the practical screenshot option and sending over WeChat

The previously stern uniformed woman was now smiling about me being a Bangxu something-in-law and offered me grapes, which I took so as not to offend and because I was a little hungry now. I was careful not to eat the skin but not as skilled as the locals are at doing it and got juice down my hands.

Eventually the third login (still the same password) seemed to work and we put in all our details. I thought we were finished but they couldn't print it out because the system didn't understand the multiple entry visa (which is the only version these days anyway). But somehow, thankfully, this was resolved and finally I had three print-outs that I had to sign and date. I was actually quite glad they asked me to sign in Chinese, but have doubts as to its legal authenticity.

I wonder how official the signature is

On the way back home I picked up some more soda water at a different supermarket. I also spent longer than I would have in the UK searching for fabric conditioner after having realised that the "White Cat" branded one I bought a couple of days ago was actually detergent (I'm surprised Tan hasn't found that out yet). Why they hid it with the dishwashing stuff a couple of aisles away from the detergent aisle is beyond me but I'm guessing not that many people use the stuff so it doesn't really matter where it is.

Lunch was jiao zi again, but to take away. The woman didn't want me to pay as apparently I'd paid too much yesterday (I may have mistaken 4 for 10), but I insisted, and picked up a cold pack of Li Quan 3.1%ers as I thought one or two of those would hasten my descent into the sleep I now really required. And indeed two did, before 1.30 I was gone and only resurfaced at 3.30 for a minute before the next I knew it was 4.30. At this time I got myself up and drank two coffees and got on with a little work until teatime. At least today we seem to have had leccy all day.

I ended up going to A Ni's again for tea as the kids weren't here and if I rang up a friend it would probably involve alcohol and I didn't really want to imbibe as I had work to do. A Ni was working on pronouncing English translations of food - mostly what she sold in her place and I helped her as I ate my beef morsels wrapped in little leaves and deep fried. I specifically told her I wasn't going to drink beer and wanted to be healthy so she said she'd get the girls to make me some niuyouguozhi. Great, I was rather embarrassed to ask what it meant but it was healthy and it was juice, though internally I translated it as beef-oil-fruit-juice. Then the girl pulled out an avocado and the reality of the situation set in. I've never had one in my life so I should have said no I'd rather have watermelon juice instead, but I'd already said yes and some bloody British gene in me refused to let the words surface to my mouth. Or maybe it was my sense of adventure...trying something new. Maybe it would improve my ping pong skills.

I've only not tried avocado before as mum says she's allergic and therefore I may have inherited it. Plus it's one of those "false" fruits that I would re-classify as a vegetable as it's not sweet. Apparently peppers are fruits too - utter tosh. Tomatoes I can nearly understand, but not peppers. And avocados are only classed as fruits as someone deemed to call them "pears" because they're pear-shaped. By that logic an onion's a fruit as it's apple-shaped - that's bananas. Anyway, I forced myself to finish the "pear" juice after the nice wrapped beef, but it was not great - neither sweet nor savoury, neither liquid nor solid. I did make a point of telling A Ni that avocado in Chinese should be "e li", as that's what I knew it as (it's another word for it that Tan uses). If she'd said that in the first place I would have gracefully not accepted it.

I choose to blame the avocado for what happened when I got back, though it could of course have been the beef. Suffice to say that when A Wu rang me to go out to "drink red wine" my excuse wasn't that I was going to play ping pong (as was my plan) but rather that I couldn't move more than a few yards away from a toilet. He seemed to think this was very funny and to be fair if the pants were on another bum I'd probably have felt the same. But I'd succumbed to my first diarrhoea attack of the year and was staying put.

At least I managed to get my appraisal completed. I also got in contact with a Chinese colleague who was very keen for me to go to Beijing for my work week and help out the sales guys there. Something which is very unlikely unless they pay for it all. Bed was a reasonably early 12:30 but sleep certainly wasn't.

Up late, more steak and more ping pong

Woke up about 10am, then mulled about in bed half sleeping till midday when I decided I'd better eat. I hadn't had that much of the litre of water I'd brought to bed - one of the positives of drinking beer that is a lot closer to H2O than what we're used to. I went down to the jiao zi place and the woman greeted me with a smile, stating the obvious "ni huilai le" (you're back). But it's more of a greeting than an act of stating the unnecessary - like "chi fan le mei you?" (have you eaten yet?). She doesn't normally smile though so I took it as a compliment, and chose to eat there rather than take back. I asked for a drink, and the daughter offered soya milk. So I asked specifically if they had water. Of course the answer was in the affirmative, and a minute later I was served a metal bowl of hot transparent liquid with chopped spring onion. Ah yes, I remember the Chinese often consider soup as a drink, and therefore as a replacement for what you might have in a cup. I was fine with it, but would have liked something cold to quaff.

Jiao zi and "water"

Back in the house I actually needed to get down to some work and did so until bang - the internet went down. But this was accompanied by a worrying surge in temperature as I noticed the air con was no longer on. Oh no, the promised electricity cut for two days ago that never materialised had now made an ugly entrance. I guess this is why we never put much food in the fridge.

Well one of the best things about our flat on the 14th (or 13th in UK terms, or 15th in Chinese luck terms) is that it spans the width of the building north to south, so on the stillest, muggiest day, we still muster a nice breeze through the place that has meant we've not needed to buy a big air con machine for the living room. And so I sat in my office to get some work done in just a pair of shorts.

I realised I needed a shower but to my disappointment there was no water at all in the house. I called Ling Ming and he said it was all paid for so must be related to the leccy - apparently they are repairing something so it's not that unusual to turn it off during the day. I hoped 6pm would see it return but nay, and it seemed to getting less breezy so I paused my work and walked down the 13/14/15 flights of stairs to take the dian dong che to go to A Ni's new place for a bite to eat - no sooner had I stepped in when I heard shouts of "the electricity's back!". Good timing.

I'd remembered to take a bottle of Baileys and a quarter bottle of Bombay Sapphire to A Ni and she was so happy to see them (or me) that she gave me a big hug, and looked longingly at the Baileys before putting it on the shelf. Without asking she said I was her guest to eat and poured a beer that I didn't particular hanker after but couldn't refuse. There was an electric cauldron of noodles on the table and she and her mates laughed a bit that the English only had one word for noodles and I sort of countered by saying we also had spaghetti but I didn't really want to start a losing battle. The noodles were fine, but as I finished she brought out a plate of steak and chips that I wasn't expecting, and she sat down next to me with a plate of the same so I ate that as well - it was as well that I'd had a light lunch of jiao zi.

A pretty cool device for calling the waitress, ordering water, or asking for the bill (or cancelling) which is rendered slightly unnecessary by the small size of A Ni's place - and a pretty cool beer in what they call a pineapple glass

A Ni smiling because she's pouring her own glass

Just as we were finishing Lao Zhang from ping pong called me up to go to play table tennis. This was a suitable time and made a perfect excuse to excuse myself. I said I'd be 10 minutes and he said ok he'd come to collect me. At least that's what I'm sure he said but half an hour later he hadn't, so I called him and he asked where I was. I guessed then I'd misunderstood, so he told me to meet him at the old people's leisure centre - ah I thought we were going somewhere else. He was nowhere to be seen there so I called him again and he said he could see me as he was just arriving. Now I was clueless - were we playing here? Was I being picked up? Ok, in these situations you just go with the flow. No, we were playing at the more professional place on the west side of town, and yes he was giving me a lift there on his motorbike.

Strangely, this place, that I'd been to a few times before, was empty except for the Doctor lying on his bench in front of the show court. He shouted my name as soon as he saw me and bade me sign in in the visitors book - he wanted my Chinese and English names, and sex and whether it was morning or evening too. I nearly asked if he wanted my passport number too but held back just in case it would be taken in offence. Zhang and I played "the best of" five games and although I won the first, I thought possibly fairly and squarely, he won the next four to match the last competition I had with him a couple of days ago. Then an oldish woman came - she was introduced as a teacher but I wasn't quite sure of what. She certainly taught me some table tennis and although I was topless I was sweating prolifically which is more than I can say for my play. But when they asked for photos I promptly put my top back on.

From left to right, the teacher, the student, the doctor, and a bloke who was practising nasty spinny serves that I don't fancy playing any time soon

I was home for a shower at 10pm and not too tempted to have a drink after last night so went to bed early but didn't sleep till 2.30am...grrr.

Xixi sent me this horrid pic from here phone - I think she needs to learn more about "beauty cam"

Exercise and beer

Awoke at 6.30 knowing I wouldn't regret it if I got up to do some exercise, but still lay about till 7 in case I changed my mind. No, I'd do it. I found my shorts and socks and badminton top, filled a plastic bag with two bottles of water, a towel, a half used pack of tissues that also carried some cash, and my ping pong bat and phone. Two minutes later I was at the old people's leisure centre but other than a couple of old ladies playing croquet on the newly laid plastic lawn, no-one else was. I'd like to have gone for a jog but I couldn't very well do so laden with stuff, so I went for a walk instead around the guangchang. But it didn't seem very tiring so I decided to climb the steps to the Chairman Mao statue - that did the trick in terms of sweat. I noticed a new path going down the other side of the hill and took it to find that more building had been going on in the last year or so - it looked like quite a nice peaceful place where elders might sit and talk of an evening but that would probably be taken over by smoking youths.

The view while waiting for the lift has changed yet again, but the style of scaffolding hasn't

Back at the leisure centre there was more life now and I was immediately recognised by a couple of people when I walked in, and ushered into practice. I had the good excuse that I hadn't played for two years, but I neglected to mention I'd played a little in the UK. The first bloke I played against was actually about as good as me, unless he was really holding back (which they often do), and we had a good session until my friend Zhang came.

I met Zhang a couple of years ago - he's originally from up North so a bit of an immigrant like temporary me. He's blooming good at table tennis but definitely toned down for me. I got some pretty good smashes in and only lost the first game 11-5 and the second 11-9. Then to my surprise I won the third game, but I'm sure he was doing a good job of letting me win as he easily won the decider to pinch it 3-1. At least I hoped it would be the decider but "best of five" means "five" here, so we had to play out the dead rubber which of course I lost.

Then another bloke who wasn't so good at toning down came - he used spins to great effect and beat me 3-0 but for some (appreciated) reason this time it really was best of five. I was pretty knackered by now but had to practise with another bloke I'd known for some time. And then finally one of the old women finished me off. I'd lasted nearly 90 minutes. But my back seemed fine. Pretty much the first time it has felt like this here in three years! I just hope it stays like that.

I woke the kids up at 10am to get breakfast, but by the time they were ready it was getting on for 11am and Tan said we were to go to Waip's to eat. We did at least get five cups of soya milk from the dou jiang place, and some you tiao. Which was a good thing as the kids didn't eat much zhou for lunch (which all in the house were already eating when we arrived at 10.45am). Er Jia and Lao Pang wanted to bring the kids to Baise and they seem up for it although they'll want me to go. I said we'd first go to the supermarket and Tan would sort their clothes. Obviously as soon as we were in the supermarket Er Jie called me to hurry up. We were on a mission to find pillowcases and ice cube trays though, so I said I'd be a few minutes. We were successful in finding the pillowcases to replace the old rotten ones that wouldn't wash out the years of neglect, and found one type of ice cube tray. I sort of find it strange that they don't do more in the way of ice cubes for such a warm place. Though on reflection, they just cool their drinks in the first place so probably don't need them. I guess if space was at more of a premium then ice cubes might be the practical way forward - worth buying shares in?

I also found fizzy soda water in this supermarket by the market, so got a couple for good measure even though they were 5 kuai each. I can't find the blooming top of the soda maker I got a couple of years ago so can't screw down the CO2 cannisters to pierce them and thus carbonate the water, which I'm pretty peeved about. So this will do to test the sugar-free tonic cordial I've brought with me this time. The dian of the dian dong che was just about gone by the time we got home so we went to the basement to charge it for the ridiculous price of 5 kuai - not that it's expensive but I still can't get used to the inflation - it was 1 kuai until 2014. Er Jie was ringing again and I said they could come round to pick up the kids rather than us going there. So she did and five minutes later was upstairs pecking like a chicken as Tan was getting the last things ready. I added some sun tan lotion, or suncream as it is known now, and waved goodbye to all, and noticed Tan did too. Ah, I thought she was going too. Actually it's probably a good thing; they're getting lazy with their Mandarin and need a spell where they can't use English so much. I think they'll be back in a couple of days.

About to leave for Baise with their newly acquired sunglasses

It was the afternoon and Lao Su had not come around to fix the hot water, so I gave him a gentle ring and he said he'd come around around 2.30pm. That was a little over two hours and could spoil any thoughts I had about a siesta, but I needn't have worried as I fell asleep a couple of minutes later and awoke before 3 to the sound of the doorbell. It wasn't actually Lao Su but some work bloke who had a spanner and some plumbing tape, plus a spare thing that controlled the water input. Well he changed it but it didn't do the trick. I was worried that it was the heater itself that was blocked but he seemed quite sure it was actually the part that plugged into the heater, rather than the part that plugged into the wall, that was blocked. So off he went to get a replacement and half an hour later it was changed and finally we had hot water! Or at least we had the means of making it as I needed to actually heat it first by turning on the boiler. I thanked the bloke and asked him how much - 50 kuai - I don't think there were any labour costs.

Er Jie sent me a pic on WeChat to show the kids were having fun in Baise

By now it was getting on for teatime. I decided to call Li Kun, whom I've known since 2004, and guess what? He said he'd pick me up in 20 minutes in his new car. Well that was a welcome window to try the new tonic as the soda water had been in the fridge for a few hours now. It said 20ml of concentrate on the bottle for a litre of tonic, so I carefully poured 5ml into a glass. I added a splash of Beefeater gin from the quarter-full duty free bottle I'd thoughtfully left last year, and poured in some soda water. By golly it was strong, and that was the tonic rather than the gin. I took a couple of uncomfortable glugs and poured the rest of the soda water in until it became more drinkable. It was hardly Schweppes but it was better than the Sodastream equivalent I had a couple of years ago.

Li Kun called right on cue, and I picked up my bits and pieces to meet him outside our building. I'm not sure what brand it was other than it was Chinese, but it was a nice new automobile in the SUV format, though only two rows of seats. We drove to a new restaurant not far from his house on the south side of Pingguo, which specialises in fish (the restaurant, not the area of Pingguo).

We chose a nice non-private table and ordered. Li Kun told the waitress that there would be six of us, which was a bit of a relief. Then, breaking with tradition a little, he ordered a six-pack of the 500ml Li Quan 3.1%ers and cracked one open. We may be going to wait for friends to eat, but not to drink. As it was, three of the party were his elder brother and wife and son, and the other was A Wu, who arrived so late we'd already started eating.

But very nice it was too - there was a sort of large pot in the middle of the table where they cooked a smashing fish soup. Well they put the ingredients in, covered it, then put an egg timer by it, saying it would be ready when it ran out, which it duly did about five minutes later.

As the meal wore on, various blokes walked past - one was the boss of the place, another apparently was also the boss of the place, then a couple of blokes who emerged from the private rooms around stopped for a bite to eat and a drink. The beer was flowing rather too easily so I tried my trick of playing cai ma to slow it down, but this time, maybe as I'm still getting used to it, it backfired, and despite being only 3.1% I got rather tipsy.

Li Kun on the right, his big brother next to him greeting a boss, A Wu sitting down

A Wu's back on iphones after spending a couple of years on Android - with the genuinely first world problem of having to carry two around with him as iphones apparently don't do dual SIM versions as his Note 3 and 4 did

Of course we went back to someone's place for more drinks after then meal at around 10pm, but I wasn't back home that late in the end, but late enough to know I'd better stay in Leilei's room.

Return of the dian dong che, posh houses, and lovely grubs

Woke up at a normal 9am but there was no breakfast. Tan left late morning to eat with friends and I waited till midday for the kids to get up. Actually, we still had electricity, so the air con was working, otherwise they might have woken up earlier.

I pretty much had to prise them out of their beds though to go to A Ni's new Vietnamese steak place. I ordered a steak and chips, not because I wanted to, but because A Ni suggested it and I wanted her to be happy. I also ordered some Vietnamese spring rolls so the kids would eat something. Despite not having had breakfast they didn't seem that hungry - Xixi didn't like the rolls so had some of my steak (which was actually quite good) and both of them had smoothies, as did I, fresh from the fruit. The total was 71 kuai, which considering what we had was pretty decent even for here.

They were not easy to rouse

During the meal A Heng came with a new phone for Xixi that he'd promised yesterday. It looks like an iphone but is a cheap Android knock-off (and probably better too). She was very happy with her new toy and Leilei jealous. I had to remind him hers was a cheap one and his was real, plus he now had more time on the ipad. Neither of them have SIM cards though - there's enough wifi around now to make that not a problem. Unfortunately there's no Pokemon Go here either. I wonder if there ever will be as it uses Google Maps.

We got home and I left the kids playing as I was "kun le", meaning I immediately felt bloody knackered. So much for beating the jetlag - I lay down my head at 1.30pm and an instant later it was 2.30. I felt quite awake for no more than a couple of minutes before I was kun le again and it was 3.30. I decided that was quite enough of being kun le by then and got up. Er Jie was coming back from Nanning (I didn't know she'd gone) so we were to go to Waip's, as the kids say, to eat again. On the walk over I called Uncle Yellow to let him know I was in town again. He said we'd go to eat later and he'd call me - cool.

I didn't eat too much at Waip's, and neither did the kids, which was a bit worrying, but it's early days. Then Er Jie and her husband Lao Pang took us to see the expensive new house they bought recently. It was a good five miles outside the centre of Pingguo, and actually a very pleasant complex of houses, with many apparently having their own gardens, something I'd not seen in Guangxi till now. Her house is quite lavish by most standards, and we were told we could stay here if we liked as she was often out of town, and even if she wasn't there were enough rooms in the three-storey building. We politely declined, but said we'd bear it in mind. Our place pales in magnificence, but wins in terms of proximity in my opinion. Anyway, the main purpose of coming here from my perspective, and the kids', was to get the dian dong che.

View from the third floor to the patio on the second in Er Jie's new house on the outskirts of Pingguo

Xixi practising taking photos on her new phone with a background of what the houses look like here - actually very tasteful but a pretty penny at around 1,000,000 kuai each

I asked if it was charged up and of course was told it was. We got the keys and turned it on and it looked like it had around half a charge, though you can never be sure as when you accelerate the power meter goes down. And it had 875km on the clock, which means it had done around 600km since I left it last year - I'm glad it was used. We got on in the usual combination: Xixi at the front, me, then Leilei behind, and I was immediately glad that Chuan Chuan had exchanged the broken model in 2014 for a much bigger version, as we only just about fitted on the seat.

10 seconds after we set off we heard shouting from behind us - Tan and Er Jie were motioning to their right, and it became apparent we were going in the wrong direction. We went back but continued to make wrong turns and got lost in this complex for a good 10 minutes, me being the obstinate male and refusing to ask how to get out. But of course we did eventually. I was disappointed that the dian dong che only got up to 28kph and I suspected the battery was shot, but at least we had some wind in our hair to cool us down on the longish journey. We'd got half way before I remembered the damn thing had gears and as I pressed the button to move to 2 we accelerated quite sharply and Leilei remarked he was glad we had a rear case thing or he might have fallen off. By the time we got home the odometer read 885km - was Er Jie's house really 10km away?

At home Lao Su, A Xia's husband, called me about the hot water and said he'd be around in a bit to take a look. As far as I can tell there's no pressure, and I'm guessing an air block. He came around and told me it wasn't an airblock but the inlet to the heater was blocked - he'd sort it in the morning. Oh well, another cold shower tonight - first world problems (or maybe not). While letting Lao Su out I noticed a small white box where the tv would be if we had one. It had three green lights on it and I finally worked out where the "ZTE" SSID was emanating from - Ling Ming must have changed Internet provider and this was the new router. I traced the cable from the router (interestingly it wasn't your typical RJ45 connection) along the wall, outside the back of the flat, along the exterior wall where it entered the building again from the window by the lift. From inside the corridor I traced it along the wall past the lifts and into a metal box attached to the wall on the other side of the corridor, which I presumed must be a communications hub - probably a competitor to the service we had before. I would love to have asked more questions about this set-up, but thought better of it for the moment.

Then Uncle Yellow called to say we'd go to eat near Waipo's house, where we'd been once before. I said great, but I'd have to take the kids though as Tan was of course out. This time finding the location should be no problem as he'd send it via WeChat. Of course that didn't stop him calling us to ask where we were when we were in the supermarket. We'd just got some washing powder and fabric conditioner, and I'd looked in vain for fizzy water or indeed anything fizzy that wasn't sweet or alcoholic or Coke. I decided not to take the stuff home and to go straight to meet Uncle Yellow. The location he'd sent by WeChat was pretty cool, except it only showed a blue dot representing me and a red dot representing the destination - no other detail. I guessed the English version of WeChat was using Google Maps, and therefore had the Pokemon effect. Well at least we had something to work on - I got Xixi to hold my phone and tell me if we were getting hotter or colder as we drove about. Indeed going towards Waipo's was hotter, and we found the place with relative ease at the end of her road.

Rather than eating outside, Uncle Yellow had an air conditioned room on the first floor, with a couple of mates, one of whom was nearly as inebriated as Huang from last night, as he'd been drinking since teatime. Uncle Yellow ordered some really great food, but the best was the fried "insects" as it translates. More like beetles I would say. But gorgeously crunchy and full of protein. If indeed we need to take our protein in this form rather than beef and other animals that take a lot of energy to grow, then I'm certainly ok with it! The drunk bloke couldn't take his eyes of Xixi and repeatedly said how beautiful she was - "Leilei's handsome, but Xixi is so beautiful". It got a bit boring but after a few drinks even he quietened down and stopped drinking, or maybe it was because his wife and son arrived. I used the genuine excuse of needing to get the kids back to leave, and although wanted to simply couldn't finish the beetles. I wish the kids had had some though.

Xixi found three chopsticks in her chopstick pack and I told her it was the Chinese equivalent of finding a four leafed clover

Lovely grubs!

We actually went for a little drive around a slightly cooler Pingguo before going home, which pleased the kids as much as myself, but sleep beckoned. At least it did for me...they didn't sleep till 12.45am, and I followed not long after.

Arrival at Pingguo and family meal (and lost SIM)

The nine hour flight was quite ok really. The live cameras on the plane offered much more entertainment than the films I decided to watch afterwards. I nearly managed to complete "Midnight Special" but it just got too much with 17 minutes to go, and some third-in-the-series boring sci-fi about some young kids who find their way out of a walled Chicago, beat some baddies, then meet some goodies and then I don't know what as I woke up to Tan castigating me for snoring. I got back to sleep and when I woke there was only about two hours to go - I estimated about three hours sleep which for me is pretty good. I did have a couple of red wines with the meal though. I tried to watch Eddie the Eagle but after half an hour realised it would not be worth the effort and anyway we would arrive soon.

I appreciated this view of our A380

Arrival and immigration were fairly straightforward affairs, but it still took us an hour to get from our plane to the baggage belt. These days I think all people arriving from abroad need to pick up their baggage unless they have an international connection. But we hadn't counted on waiting nearly an hour. It was just an hour before the next flight was due when the first suitcase finally arrived and the next two followed three long minutes later. And we couldn't rush to drop it off as first we needed to screen all the bags at security, after stuffing in the duty free booze and perfume as China doesn't allow even sealed duty free as carry-on. Then the queue for carry-on security was slow, if not massively long, as the bloke organising it started letting people behind us go first, presumably as their flight was leaving soon. So I showed him our boarding passes, and the fact that it was leaving in 35 minutes but he said no problem. Of course as soon as we did get through there was a final boarding call for the flight and we among the last to get on the bus to go there. At least we weren't delayed as Tan said we would be.

I think we got premium economy as we had more legroom than most, but we didn't care. We were dreadfully tired and thirsty, not having had the chance to drink anything since the previous flight. I was near the front of the plane and the others by the middle emergency exit row. All I remember is literally nodding off, among all the others who had already nodded off. But it seemed as soon as my head bobbed down I was pulled out of any slumber I might have been semi-sucked into. Even counting in German I couldn't make it past zwei yet still I couldn't make it last. So the flight felt the full three hours, but to be fair it wasn't very turbulent and I didn't even ask the stewardess for a beer with my lunch.

Nanning airport seems too big for what it is at the moment, but I imagine it has plans to be a full international airport at some time in the future - it certainly has the infrastructure now, though I'd love to know what danger could fall from the heavens.

What could fall down?

A Heng had driven to meet us, but as usual he was not alone; Er Jie and various other ladies and girls were there to coo over the kids. Leilei was determined to keep his  hoodie on, with its thick, long sleeves, but succumbed to the weather after 30 seconds of being outside. It was quite hot, but nothing out of the normal. And despite the tiredness it felt more like the 4pm it was than how it usually feels when arriving here.

Leilei, Xixi, Er Jie, and some young ladies who may be related

Leilei pretending not to be bothered by the temperature nudging 40 degrees C

Chuan Chuan's new car that A Heng drove us home in

Tan tucking into some chcken feet before we'd even left the airport carpark

The drive home took longer than usual due I suppose to a motorway closure around Nanning. I could tell where we were though thanks to my trusty old Nokia N8, which had a downloaded map of China. You would have thought the maps app "Here" on Android would have had that too, but sometime recently it was removed and I guess got removed from my work phone, rather annoyingly. I'll hopefully find a workaround for Here, as the N8 is getting rather old and annoyingly slow for WeChat etc. As we entered Pingguo it was quite strange. It genuinely felt like home this time; there was no pointing out this and that, that we knew from times before, we just carried on talking as per usual until we got to Waipo's where we would eat - she would like that.

Er Jie with Xixi and Leilei

Tan's gege with Xixi and Leilei

And she did very much, giving the kids little hugs as we entered her flat (she's not really capable of much more). There were of course more people there so instead of eating there we went to a local restaurant around the corner, not even having time to shower (though I changed my sweaty top). It was nice to catch up and have a meal that wasn't in a private room for a change. Chuan Chuan turned up a bit later with her boyfriend Fei Gege (literally "fat big brother" - and he is a little large) and took the kids out to the guangchang while we caught up with the family. A Heng came along and brought along two SIM cards. Now finally I had a number but Tan had not brought along her phone to the meal. I found the pocket on my new shirt was a fake one so put her card in my trouser pocket along with everything else to fit later.

Lovely family meal

Of course as soon as we got home I couldn't find her tiny SIM card. I looked for a few minutes and determined I must have left it at the restaurant, so went back with A Heng. But despite the best attempts by the staff of going through the bin it was not there. Needless to say Tan was angry as she'd have to survive a night without a phone...but come on there's Internet at ours.

We (they) really did do their best to find the tiny SIM in all our leftovers

On the journey we were told that our house would have no electricity till Monday. Now we heard that the electricity cut was only during the day so after the meal we took all our stuff there. Ling Ming had kindly arranged for it to be cleaned and bills paid up so we'd have electricity (hmm) and running water. Ah yes...running water, meaning showers! Or at least that was what we hoped until we found out there was no hot water. Cold showers are still cold showers and not a pleasant experience, but in this case less unpleasant than sitting in the same sweaty clothes for 30 hours in this heat.

More importantly though, Ling Ming had sorted out our Internet. At least that's what I thought. I saw our router sitting on the dining table, unplugged, and immediately plugged it in. Within a minute my phone connected to the SSID "pengduoming" but the password wasn't accepted. Lin Hong was with us and called Ling Ming and he sent the new password. But to no avail - no combination of the numbers seemed to work and I was resigned to going to China Mobile tomorrow to sort stuff out and Tan wouldn't even have internet on her phone. But then somehow it transpired that we shouldn't be connecting to "pengduoming" but some "ZTE" SSID instead. I didn't think this made any sense, but Lin Hong didn't think at all and just connected to it and it worked. My mind really wanted to understand where this SSID came from but at this stage I thought it best to just accept it and connect, with some relief.

After our showers, Tan went out and then Chuan Chuan took the kids back so I got them showered, and finally to sleep in Leilei's room at midnight, by which time Tan was back. I was peckish so told her I'd get some bbq but instead decided to go to the Beihai seafood place. As I arrived, Boss Huang stood up from his table where he was drinking with two mates, and shouted out "Peng Duoming!". He was quite the worse for wear and very happy to see me. I don't think he appreciates how imperfect my Chinese is so I used my trick of repeating every fifth or sixth sentence to show I was following. It was something along the lines of "...America is a different country...UK is a different country...Brexit.....our friendship is more important than all...." and he went on and on about it and I said I agreed (I mean, it's agreeable) but he was also doing his "bro" handshake of curling in his index (or was it middle?) finger and clasping my hand to his that actually quite hurt. I don't know anyone else in the world who shakes hands in such a manner - maybe it's a Beihai thing. I noted that a family group of about eight people came to eat at 1am, with kids under 10 years old. What a nice thing to see!

I only stayed an hour as was fairly tired. He tried to insist on giving me a lift back but in his comatose state I decided it wasn't fair for any pedestrians, and insisted myself on going for a walk as it was my first night back and I wanted to breathe in the night air, which was true really. I was tempted to walk past the many people still eating and drinking and get "invited" to join them but decided against it for now - there should be plenty of time for that. Sleep was not hard to come by as it was nearing 2am - screw you jetlag!

Back after a two-year break

I knew I shouldn't have gone to the pub last night but it was a meeting with many of the dads that I wouldn't see till September. It meant I had to pack late and would probably forget something. I awoke bang on 5.45am a second before my alarm and jumped in the shower after waking up the kids. In the end I had to delay the taxi by 15 minutes to 7am as I was still finding things to pack. But I had some clothes, passports, keys, wallet, and tissues so we couldn't go far wrong. I'd even printed out the boarding passes for good measure.

We'd done City Airport once before a long time ago, but this time we got a 17 minute cab to Woolwich Arsenal DLR, from where it was a short two stop ride to City, and should be the hardest part of our trip considering we wouldn't have luggage trolleys. Tan let it be known that she'd managed to pack all her and the kids' stuff into one large and one hand luggage, while mine took up two large suitcases and three carry-ons. It's not quite true; I had at least two of her pairs of flipflops, plus I'd brought Leilei's skateboard and a Wii Fit board, in shades of 2008 when I justified bringing it by dint of the fact that although we'd only be five and a half weeks, I'd be leaving it as it was a spare. I just hope we'll have a TV to play it on.

Getting on the first flight to Frankfurt - something wrong with Xixi's head

I'm used to arriving at the airport and going straight to security but I'd not built into the plan that we'd need to check in luggage. The place was packed and it seemed mostly with holiday goers. So after queues and all we only just had about enough time to visit the loo before our flight was called. Luckily I'd told Tan not to get duty free here as we'd only have to go through security again in Frankfurt. The flight, even for me, was pretty straightforward, up and down, and on time despite the wet landing.

I knew we'd have five hours to kill and I had a plan to kill them; duty free for Tan and me, and spend the rest of the time in the lounge. What I hadn't counted on was the time Tan would spend buying three bottles of perfume, and the time we'd spend looking for the lounge. The perfume took nearly an hour. I'd already got cigarettes and booze for friends in 10 minutes, which included eight minutes looking for Pimms that didn't exist. But when we asked about the lounge we were told not to go, as it would involve leaving the airport security area and having to come back in. I argued that we had four hours and the woman reluctantly gave us directions. It transpired that the lounge was "landside", as opposed to "airside", meaning before security, not to mention on the other side. But I think the 20 minute walk was worthwhile as when we eventually found it we had food and drink and a calmer environment and better wifi than the airport could provide.

At the lounge in Frankfurt - definitely something wrong with Xixi's head

But I was suddenly struck by a terror, even more severe than that when I'd discovered how much we'd spent on perfume and ciggies. If we were outside security, we were effectively like any Tom, Dick, or Harry coming in from the street. Yet we had four litres of booze and three bottles of perfume on us. Admittedly they were sealed but I had a vision of them being confiscated, so I bade us leave a good 30 minutes earlier than I normally would have done. In fact when we got to security they were fine with the sealed duty free, and I breathed an audible sigh of relief that I hope Tan didn't hear or understand - it would have been my fault of course if we'd had to leave it all behind.

And 10 minutes later we were standing outside a grand Airbus A380 - a rather large double decker passenger plane. I went for a gander when I heard the first call for people to go to the gate - I saw a horrid queue form and inwardly laughed at the people in it; we were all going to get a seat so why stand up for so long? Then I got a missed call from Tan. I guessed she'd heard the call too and went to tell her to relax. But that was the opposite of what she wanted to do. She told me that she'd been told we could get on first as we had young children. Young kids? We can't even park in those family spaces in Sainsburys any more and for at least two years had not been able to take advantage of this on flights. I wanted to believe her so went to the area between first class and economy and sure enough they allowed us on first with our obviously difficult to manage 11 and eight year olds. I told her "well done" but didn't labour the point that we didn't really deserve this.

Finally Going Back from Hong Kong

I hadn’t had much sleep but I didn’t forget to pick up Tan’s suitcase of clothes and various dried medicines. It was mid-morning and my flight to Europe was leaving soon after midday.

This time I was told I had access to some special lounge so went there and gosh it really was a special experience. Normally just having nice drinks and good wifi is all you can experience from a lounge but this one was streets ahead.

I’d brought spare undies, which was a good thing as I went for a magical shower (after a 9h30 flight any shower is magical) and despite my lack of sleep from Melbourne, felt great. I had a couple of nice decaf coffees, but felt it rude not to partake of a G&T before I left, but made sure it was after opening hours somewhere. But that was all I took.

I was in the top deck of what I think was an Airbus A380, and was for the second time in my life treated to an experience I didn’t really want to waste by sleeping. But after hardly noticing taking off, having a lovely meal, and watching some ok Brazilian film to a cognac or two I dozed off….

It was bliss to wake up with under four hours to go. The Dutch bloke closest to me who’d also slept woke up and ordered vodka and apple juice about three times. I felt superior and had but orange juice. Actually I think I may have had one more G&T for good measure.

And then we were in Amsterdam. Boring. And I didn’t even care for more drinks in the lounge as I waited for my short haul to Heathrow. A decision I instantly regretted as soon as in the air. But hey I was still “business” so got a white wine before landing close to home. And it hit me I’d been both privileged, yet polarised from family. Going to Pingguo was both the highlight and the lowlight this year, and I don’t want to go alone again. But I’m missing it already….

Blooming Australia

So much for Australia. I found my way to the office around midday but found nothing to eat. I  had a quick meeting with some woman who was on such another wavelength I didn’t even bother with. Then she was gone, and the only people left were drinking beers and as much as I’d like to have joined them I felt as far away as if I were back home. And that was what I was hankering for. But my flight wasn’t till midnight and I had heavy luggage with me.

So I stayed at the office till it was too late to get out and I had to ask a cleaner to get my to the lifts (or probably they call them elevators here). I thought I’d treat myself to a decent meal and found the most expensive place within walking distance. Great. I turned up and it was filled with rich and happy people 10 years younger than me, but I thought “sod it” and went in and asked for a table for one. I would have been a lot happier in a corner but I was thrust into the middle of the bustling place, for all to see I was a loner. At least if I had been David Mitchell I could have written a great three-minute soap box piece on this but I just didn’t have the talent or energy.

So I geeked. The female servers were lovely to be fair - as if they could sense my situation and so called me “darling” (or is that just Australian). But I read stories and comments from fark.com on Opera Mini browser (in order to save some data). I would have swapped my $40 Steak for a $3 hamburger and some company though, or even lack of, given where I was. After the meal I asked for a decaffeinated Irish coffee and the young lady was embarrassed to say they were out of decaf. Instead she brought me a compensatory armagnac of proportion to get me to the airport.

And so I got the cab, went to the airport, got there and maybe had a glass or deux of rouge, and had a thankfully boring flight back to Hong Kong.

Ok Flight to Shenzhen, Bad Flight from HK.

Luckily I wasn’t back at stupid’o’clock last night, and because I’d cleaned up there wasn’t too much to do in the morning. I left the clean fridge door open (unlike last year) and just accepted the fact that the dust would return before us.

I did pop into the local supermarket and get just a little bottle of the local “Finnish” v and poured some into carryons for the journey ahead. A Wu came in time and I suppose due to the fact that I’d not been here for a couple of months with the family, it didn’t seem that hard to leave. But it did nevertheless conjure up some sad emotions to be leaving what many may consider a nondescript apartment in a smallish rural town that almost no-one has heard of. But it has been around 15% of my life in the last 12 years so that was the significance.

The drive to Nanning was more dangerous than the flight as you can see

Statistically the drive to Nanning was more dangerous than the flight to Shenzhen but my warped brain didn’t make it feel so. A Wu’s and my goodbyes were as brotherly as any, and I think we were both genuinely rather sad. But a few pictures later I was in the lounge and he was gone, but for a couple of phone calls later on.

Saying goodbye to AWu outside the lounge

I didn’t feel too guilty adding some carryon v to the sugary shui bi (7-Up) even though it was not quite the afternoon. I tried to reason that it was another time in Europe but in fact it was 5am so didn’t really excuse the booze.

The flight to Shenzhen, possibly because of the medication, was fine. Meeting Ma Si’s mates in the car park afterwards was also ok thanks to mobile phones. But that’s where it became quite Chinese. I could have easily got a bus to Hong Kong from the airport, and indeed have done with the family a couple of times, but the two blokes I met and their lovely new white BMW decided they knew a better way.

To cut a much longer story than I wanted short, they eventually found a place where there were Hong Kong taxis to drive you to the airport at much more expense than my original boat would have been. Plus we were with other mainland Chinese, each of whom was interrogated by the border police. In the end I did get to Hong Kong airport but with only a couple of hours before my Australia flight - two hours later than had I taken the boat by myself.

Two hours before a flight would normally be a good thing, but after I’d put all the ginseng and various clothes away in the stored luggage (I was only due to be in Australia for a day and a half) it was close to boarding time. I went to check in to be told I needed a bloody visa. British people going to Australia need a visa? Well yes apparently so, not that anyone had told me, so I rushed to another part of the airport and was luckily able to buy one for 40 quid, after which they let me check in.

I do admit to slightly hustling to the lounge for the 7pmish flight in order to liquidate the effects of any turbulence. I quaffed probably the quickest four smallish Skols I had ever done before before hustling to the gate that had been called during my second. Despite my wee near the gate by the time I got on the plane I needed to go again but as I was about the last one on board I didn’t have time. It would have been less rushed if I'd been allowed to take something on with me to imbibe but I found out in Duty Free that Australia has special rules; they wouldn't let me buy a half bottle when I showed them my boarding pass and as annoyed as I was, I found out why when actually boarding - they have their own security just before you get on board, including checking for liquids. Why they couldn't just seal up the bag like they do for other flights? I don't know but you don't argue these things.

Gosh it does seem sometimes that the blooming seat belt light takes an age to go out, but as soon as it did I didn’t complain about my near back-of-the-aircraft seat as I was able to get to the loo without a queue. Ahhh. Then I started to relax...the flight was calm, I was sitting next to an elderly Chinese woman with whom I was having a gentle conversation, and I ordered a nice red wine. I was contemplating sleep.

The the captain talked on the tannoy: some of you may have noticed that we are travelling at 20,000 feet. This is because one of our engines is experiencing a lack of oil pressure. I’m sorry to have to tell you we will need to go back to Hong Kong to change planes.

Bugger, I didn’t need this. I went for a last wee, and on the way back asked if I could have a red wine refill. I was told no as they were preparing for landing. Thankfully my elderly Chinese co-traveller had ordered a red wine she no longer had any interested in, and was happy for me to appropriate it, which I did obligingly.

It did not help to be told that the landing would take longer than usual to stop, due basically to one of the engines not working. But I managed a sense of calm dictated mainly by the fact I knew there was nothing I could do (and to the glass of rouge from my co-traveller). In the end we landed in a manner I couldn’t differentiate from any other, for which I was rather grateful.

It was a five hour delay in the end. Normally this would not be a big deal but in this case it was as I was involved literally in a big deal. But it was out of my hands, so I found myself back in a different lounge which was pretty busy. I didn’t mind that you had to pay for anything above beer, and served myself some pretty decent food. But after my second beer I found myself nodding off in a way that wasn’t sleep-inducing, and realised I’d been up for 20+ hours with a not great flying experience in between.

We finally left some time after midnight and I was awake enough to have a meal, but also tired enough to get some sleep on the 9h30 flight. When I arrived, for my first time in Australia, I was singled out to be searched. Thankfully all the dried tea and ginseng and stuff from A Xia I’d left in Hong Kong airport, but still the bloke rifled through everything I had. Fair enough, he was just doing his job. We talked about football but during this the Aussie sales guys were trying to call me to ask where the f**k I was as the meeting was starting...WTF could I do about it? After being given the all-clear I went to the bogs to change into business attire, then grabbed a taxi and got to the sales meeting 20 minutes late. But I got the job done. Then, to my surprise, my colleagues got their taxis to the airport to go home to Sydney, leaving me to spend a night in Melbourne as I’d been told I’d be needed for two days.

So there was me, stood outside a prospect’s office, abandoned by my colleagues, freezing in just a shirt in the Australian winter, waiting for a cab that eventually arrived where I found out I was half an hour from the hotel I was told was crap anyway.

And it was. But with the lack of sleep I was grateful for a hot meal and a glass of rouge. I even opened the full bottle in the room and managed a couple of glasses before the arms of Morpheus strangled my Pommy body and dragged me to the land of nod. At least for a couple of hours. I’d been told I should go to the Melbourne office tomorrow but given the fact I’d been abandoned yesterday afternoon I thought “screw you” and in my awakeness had another glass of rouge as I had no-one to talk to and just wanted to get home. I managed to sleep again not so long after.