Exercise and beer

Awoke at 6.30 knowing I wouldn't regret it if I got up to do some exercise, but still lay about till 7 in case I changed my mind. No, I'd do it. I found my shorts and socks and badminton top, filled a plastic bag with two bottles of water, a towel, a half used pack of tissues that also carried some cash, and my ping pong bat and phone. Two minutes later I was at the old people's leisure centre but other than a couple of old ladies playing croquet on the newly laid plastic lawn, no-one else was. I'd like to have gone for a jog but I couldn't very well do so laden with stuff, so I went for a walk instead around the guangchang. But it didn't seem very tiring so I decided to climb the steps to the Chairman Mao statue - that did the trick in terms of sweat. I noticed a new path going down the other side of the hill and took it to find that more building had been going on in the last year or so - it looked like quite a nice peaceful place where elders might sit and talk of an evening but that would probably be taken over by smoking youths.

The view while waiting for the lift has changed yet again, but the style of scaffolding hasn't

Back at the leisure centre there was more life now and I was immediately recognised by a couple of people when I walked in, and ushered into practice. I had the good excuse that I hadn't played for two years, but I neglected to mention I'd played a little in the UK. The first bloke I played against was actually about as good as me, unless he was really holding back (which they often do), and we had a good session until my friend Zhang came.

I met Zhang a couple of years ago - he's originally from up North so a bit of an immigrant like temporary me. He's blooming good at table tennis but definitely toned down for me. I got some pretty good smashes in and only lost the first game 11-5 and the second 11-9. Then to my surprise I won the third game, but I'm sure he was doing a good job of letting me win as he easily won the decider to pinch it 3-1. At least I hoped it would be the decider but "best of five" means "five" here, so we had to play out the dead rubber which of course I lost.

Then another bloke who wasn't so good at toning down came - he used spins to great effect and beat me 3-0 but for some (appreciated) reason this time it really was best of five. I was pretty knackered by now but had to practise with another bloke I'd known for some time. And then finally one of the old women finished me off. I'd lasted nearly 90 minutes. But my back seemed fine. Pretty much the first time it has felt like this here in three years! I just hope it stays like that.

I woke the kids up at 10am to get breakfast, but by the time they were ready it was getting on for 11am and Tan said we were to go to Waip's to eat. We did at least get five cups of soya milk from the dou jiang place, and some you tiao. Which was a good thing as the kids didn't eat much zhou for lunch (which all in the house were already eating when we arrived at 10.45am). Er Jia and Lao Pang wanted to bring the kids to Baise and they seem up for it although they'll want me to go. I said we'd first go to the supermarket and Tan would sort their clothes. Obviously as soon as we were in the supermarket Er Jie called me to hurry up. We were on a mission to find pillowcases and ice cube trays though, so I said I'd be a few minutes. We were successful in finding the pillowcases to replace the old rotten ones that wouldn't wash out the years of neglect, and found one type of ice cube tray. I sort of find it strange that they don't do more in the way of ice cubes for such a warm place. Though on reflection, they just cool their drinks in the first place so probably don't need them. I guess if space was at more of a premium then ice cubes might be the practical way forward - worth buying shares in?

I also found fizzy soda water in this supermarket by the market, so got a couple for good measure even though they were 5 kuai each. I can't find the blooming top of the soda maker I got a couple of years ago so can't screw down the CO2 cannisters to pierce them and thus carbonate the water, which I'm pretty peeved about. So this will do to test the sugar-free tonic cordial I've brought with me this time. The dian of the dian dong che was just about gone by the time we got home so we went to the basement to charge it for the ridiculous price of 5 kuai - not that it's expensive but I still can't get used to the inflation - it was 1 kuai until 2014. Er Jie was ringing again and I said they could come round to pick up the kids rather than us going there. So she did and five minutes later was upstairs pecking like a chicken as Tan was getting the last things ready. I added some sun tan lotion, or suncream as it is known now, and waved goodbye to all, and noticed Tan did too. Ah, I thought she was going too. Actually it's probably a good thing; they're getting lazy with their Mandarin and need a spell where they can't use English so much. I think they'll be back in a couple of days.

About to leave for Baise with their newly acquired sunglasses

It was the afternoon and Lao Su had not come around to fix the hot water, so I gave him a gentle ring and he said he'd come around around 2.30pm. That was a little over two hours and could spoil any thoughts I had about a siesta, but I needn't have worried as I fell asleep a couple of minutes later and awoke before 3 to the sound of the doorbell. It wasn't actually Lao Su but some work bloke who had a spanner and some plumbing tape, plus a spare thing that controlled the water input. Well he changed it but it didn't do the trick. I was worried that it was the heater itself that was blocked but he seemed quite sure it was actually the part that plugged into the heater, rather than the part that plugged into the wall, that was blocked. So off he went to get a replacement and half an hour later it was changed and finally we had hot water! Or at least we had the means of making it as I needed to actually heat it first by turning on the boiler. I thanked the bloke and asked him how much - 50 kuai - I don't think there were any labour costs.

Er Jie sent me a pic on WeChat to show the kids were having fun in Baise

By now it was getting on for teatime. I decided to call Li Kun, whom I've known since 2004, and guess what? He said he'd pick me up in 20 minutes in his new car. Well that was a welcome window to try the new tonic as the soda water had been in the fridge for a few hours now. It said 20ml of concentrate on the bottle for a litre of tonic, so I carefully poured 5ml into a glass. I added a splash of Beefeater gin from the quarter-full duty free bottle I'd thoughtfully left last year, and poured in some soda water. By golly it was strong, and that was the tonic rather than the gin. I took a couple of uncomfortable glugs and poured the rest of the soda water in until it became more drinkable. It was hardly Schweppes but it was better than the Sodastream equivalent I had a couple of years ago.

Li Kun called right on cue, and I picked up my bits and pieces to meet him outside our building. I'm not sure what brand it was other than it was Chinese, but it was a nice new automobile in the SUV format, though only two rows of seats. We drove to a new restaurant not far from his house on the south side of Pingguo, which specialises in fish (the restaurant, not the area of Pingguo).

We chose a nice non-private table and ordered. Li Kun told the waitress that there would be six of us, which was a bit of a relief. Then, breaking with tradition a little, he ordered a six-pack of the 500ml Li Quan 3.1%ers and cracked one open. We may be going to wait for friends to eat, but not to drink. As it was, three of the party were his elder brother and wife and son, and the other was A Wu, who arrived so late we'd already started eating.

But very nice it was too - there was a sort of large pot in the middle of the table where they cooked a smashing fish soup. Well they put the ingredients in, covered it, then put an egg timer by it, saying it would be ready when it ran out, which it duly did about five minutes later.

As the meal wore on, various blokes walked past - one was the boss of the place, another apparently was also the boss of the place, then a couple of blokes who emerged from the private rooms around stopped for a bite to eat and a drink. The beer was flowing rather too easily so I tried my trick of playing cai ma to slow it down, but this time, maybe as I'm still getting used to it, it backfired, and despite being only 3.1% I got rather tipsy.

Li Kun on the right, his big brother next to him greeting a boss, A Wu sitting down

A Wu's back on iphones after spending a couple of years on Android - with the genuinely first world problem of having to carry two around with him as iphones apparently don't do dual SIM versions as his Note 3 and 4 did

Of course we went back to someone's place for more drinks after then meal at around 10pm, but I wasn't back home that late in the end, but late enough to know I'd better stay in Leilei's room.

Return of the dian dong che, posh houses, and lovely grubs

Woke up at a normal 9am but there was no breakfast. Tan left late morning to eat with friends and I waited till midday for the kids to get up. Actually, we still had electricity, so the air con was working, otherwise they might have woken up earlier.

I pretty much had to prise them out of their beds though to go to A Ni's new Vietnamese steak place. I ordered a steak and chips, not because I wanted to, but because A Ni suggested it and I wanted her to be happy. I also ordered some Vietnamese spring rolls so the kids would eat something. Despite not having had breakfast they didn't seem that hungry - Xixi didn't like the rolls so had some of my steak (which was actually quite good) and both of them had smoothies, as did I, fresh from the fruit. The total was 71 kuai, which considering what we had was pretty decent even for here.

They were not easy to rouse

During the meal A Heng came with a new phone for Xixi that he'd promised yesterday. It looks like an iphone but is a cheap Android knock-off (and probably better too). She was very happy with her new toy and Leilei jealous. I had to remind him hers was a cheap one and his was real, plus he now had more time on the ipad. Neither of them have SIM cards though - there's enough wifi around now to make that not a problem. Unfortunately there's no Pokemon Go here either. I wonder if there ever will be as it uses Google Maps.

We got home and I left the kids playing as I was "kun le", meaning I immediately felt bloody knackered. So much for beating the jetlag - I lay down my head at 1.30pm and an instant later it was 2.30. I felt quite awake for no more than a couple of minutes before I was kun le again and it was 3.30. I decided that was quite enough of being kun le by then and got up. Er Jie was coming back from Nanning (I didn't know she'd gone) so we were to go to Waip's, as the kids say, to eat again. On the walk over I called Uncle Yellow to let him know I was in town again. He said we'd go to eat later and he'd call me - cool.

I didn't eat too much at Waip's, and neither did the kids, which was a bit worrying, but it's early days. Then Er Jie and her husband Lao Pang took us to see the expensive new house they bought recently. It was a good five miles outside the centre of Pingguo, and actually a very pleasant complex of houses, with many apparently having their own gardens, something I'd not seen in Guangxi till now. Her house is quite lavish by most standards, and we were told we could stay here if we liked as she was often out of town, and even if she wasn't there were enough rooms in the three-storey building. We politely declined, but said we'd bear it in mind. Our place pales in magnificence, but wins in terms of proximity in my opinion. Anyway, the main purpose of coming here from my perspective, and the kids', was to get the dian dong che.

View from the third floor to the patio on the second in Er Jie's new house on the outskirts of Pingguo

Xixi practising taking photos on her new phone with a background of what the houses look like here - actually very tasteful but a pretty penny at around 1,000,000 kuai each

I asked if it was charged up and of course was told it was. We got the keys and turned it on and it looked like it had around half a charge, though you can never be sure as when you accelerate the power meter goes down. And it had 875km on the clock, which means it had done around 600km since I left it last year - I'm glad it was used. We got on in the usual combination: Xixi at the front, me, then Leilei behind, and I was immediately glad that Chuan Chuan had exchanged the broken model in 2014 for a much bigger version, as we only just about fitted on the seat.

10 seconds after we set off we heard shouting from behind us - Tan and Er Jie were motioning to their right, and it became apparent we were going in the wrong direction. We went back but continued to make wrong turns and got lost in this complex for a good 10 minutes, me being the obstinate male and refusing to ask how to get out. But of course we did eventually. I was disappointed that the dian dong che only got up to 28kph and I suspected the battery was shot, but at least we had some wind in our hair to cool us down on the longish journey. We'd got half way before I remembered the damn thing had gears and as I pressed the button to move to 2 we accelerated quite sharply and Leilei remarked he was glad we had a rear case thing or he might have fallen off. By the time we got home the odometer read 885km - was Er Jie's house really 10km away?

At home Lao Su, A Xia's husband, called me about the hot water and said he'd be around in a bit to take a look. As far as I can tell there's no pressure, and I'm guessing an air block. He came around and told me it wasn't an airblock but the inlet to the heater was blocked - he'd sort it in the morning. Oh well, another cold shower tonight - first world problems (or maybe not). While letting Lao Su out I noticed a small white box where the tv would be if we had one. It had three green lights on it and I finally worked out where the "ZTE" SSID was emanating from - Ling Ming must have changed Internet provider and this was the new router. I traced the cable from the router (interestingly it wasn't your typical RJ45 connection) along the wall, outside the back of the flat, along the exterior wall where it entered the building again from the window by the lift. From inside the corridor I traced it along the wall past the lifts and into a metal box attached to the wall on the other side of the corridor, which I presumed must be a communications hub - probably a competitor to the service we had before. I would love to have asked more questions about this set-up, but thought better of it for the moment.

Then Uncle Yellow called to say we'd go to eat near Waipo's house, where we'd been once before. I said great, but I'd have to take the kids though as Tan was of course out. This time finding the location should be no problem as he'd send it via WeChat. Of course that didn't stop him calling us to ask where we were when we were in the supermarket. We'd just got some washing powder and fabric conditioner, and I'd looked in vain for fizzy water or indeed anything fizzy that wasn't sweet or alcoholic or Coke. I decided not to take the stuff home and to go straight to meet Uncle Yellow. The location he'd sent by WeChat was pretty cool, except it only showed a blue dot representing me and a red dot representing the destination - no other detail. I guessed the English version of WeChat was using Google Maps, and therefore had the Pokemon effect. Well at least we had something to work on - I got Xixi to hold my phone and tell me if we were getting hotter or colder as we drove about. Indeed going towards Waipo's was hotter, and we found the place with relative ease at the end of her road.

Rather than eating outside, Uncle Yellow had an air conditioned room on the first floor, with a couple of mates, one of whom was nearly as inebriated as Huang from last night, as he'd been drinking since teatime. Uncle Yellow ordered some really great food, but the best was the fried "insects" as it translates. More like beetles I would say. But gorgeously crunchy and full of protein. If indeed we need to take our protein in this form rather than beef and other animals that take a lot of energy to grow, then I'm certainly ok with it! The drunk bloke couldn't take his eyes of Xixi and repeatedly said how beautiful she was - "Leilei's handsome, but Xixi is so beautiful". It got a bit boring but after a few drinks even he quietened down and stopped drinking, or maybe it was because his wife and son arrived. I used the genuine excuse of needing to get the kids back to leave, and although wanted to simply couldn't finish the beetles. I wish the kids had had some though.

Xixi found three chopsticks in her chopstick pack and I told her it was the Chinese equivalent of finding a four leafed clover

Lovely grubs!

We actually went for a little drive around a slightly cooler Pingguo before going home, which pleased the kids as much as myself, but sleep beckoned. At least it did for me...they didn't sleep till 12.45am, and I followed not long after.

Arrival at Pingguo and family meal (and lost SIM)

The nine hour flight was quite ok really. The live cameras on the plane offered much more entertainment than the films I decided to watch afterwards. I nearly managed to complete "Midnight Special" but it just got too much with 17 minutes to go, and some third-in-the-series boring sci-fi about some young kids who find their way out of a walled Chicago, beat some baddies, then meet some goodies and then I don't know what as I woke up to Tan castigating me for snoring. I got back to sleep and when I woke there was only about two hours to go - I estimated about three hours sleep which for me is pretty good. I did have a couple of red wines with the meal though. I tried to watch Eddie the Eagle but after half an hour realised it would not be worth the effort and anyway we would arrive soon.

I appreciated this view of our A380

Arrival and immigration were fairly straightforward affairs, but it still took us an hour to get from our plane to the baggage belt. These days I think all people arriving from abroad need to pick up their baggage unless they have an international connection. But we hadn't counted on waiting nearly an hour. It was just an hour before the next flight was due when the first suitcase finally arrived and the next two followed three long minutes later. And we couldn't rush to drop it off as first we needed to screen all the bags at security, after stuffing in the duty free booze and perfume as China doesn't allow even sealed duty free as carry-on. Then the queue for carry-on security was slow, if not massively long, as the bloke organising it started letting people behind us go first, presumably as their flight was leaving soon. So I showed him our boarding passes, and the fact that it was leaving in 35 minutes but he said no problem. Of course as soon as we did get through there was a final boarding call for the flight and we among the last to get on the bus to go there. At least we weren't delayed as Tan said we would be.

I think we got premium economy as we had more legroom than most, but we didn't care. We were dreadfully tired and thirsty, not having had the chance to drink anything since the previous flight. I was near the front of the plane and the others by the middle emergency exit row. All I remember is literally nodding off, among all the others who had already nodded off. But it seemed as soon as my head bobbed down I was pulled out of any slumber I might have been semi-sucked into. Even counting in German I couldn't make it past zwei yet still I couldn't make it last. So the flight felt the full three hours, but to be fair it wasn't very turbulent and I didn't even ask the stewardess for a beer with my lunch.

Nanning airport seems too big for what it is at the moment, but I imagine it has plans to be a full international airport at some time in the future - it certainly has the infrastructure now, though I'd love to know what danger could fall from the heavens.

What could fall down?

A Heng had driven to meet us, but as usual he was not alone; Er Jie and various other ladies and girls were there to coo over the kids. Leilei was determined to keep his  hoodie on, with its thick, long sleeves, but succumbed to the weather after 30 seconds of being outside. It was quite hot, but nothing out of the normal. And despite the tiredness it felt more like the 4pm it was than how it usually feels when arriving here.

Leilei, Xixi, Er Jie, and some young ladies who may be related

Leilei pretending not to be bothered by the temperature nudging 40 degrees C

Chuan Chuan's new car that A Heng drove us home in

Tan tucking into some chcken feet before we'd even left the airport carpark

The drive home took longer than usual due I suppose to a motorway closure around Nanning. I could tell where we were though thanks to my trusty old Nokia N8, which had a downloaded map of China. You would have thought the maps app "Here" on Android would have had that too, but sometime recently it was removed and I guess got removed from my work phone, rather annoyingly. I'll hopefully find a workaround for Here, as the N8 is getting rather old and annoyingly slow for WeChat etc. As we entered Pingguo it was quite strange. It genuinely felt like home this time; there was no pointing out this and that, that we knew from times before, we just carried on talking as per usual until we got to Waipo's where we would eat - she would like that.

Er Jie with Xixi and Leilei

Tan's gege with Xixi and Leilei

And she did very much, giving the kids little hugs as we entered her flat (she's not really capable of much more). There were of course more people there so instead of eating there we went to a local restaurant around the corner, not even having time to shower (though I changed my sweaty top). It was nice to catch up and have a meal that wasn't in a private room for a change. Chuan Chuan turned up a bit later with her boyfriend Fei Gege (literally "fat big brother" - and he is a little large) and took the kids out to the guangchang while we caught up with the family. A Heng came along and brought along two SIM cards. Now finally I had a number but Tan had not brought along her phone to the meal. I found the pocket on my new shirt was a fake one so put her card in my trouser pocket along with everything else to fit later.

Lovely family meal

Of course as soon as we got home I couldn't find her tiny SIM card. I looked for a few minutes and determined I must have left it at the restaurant, so went back with A Heng. But despite the best attempts by the staff of going through the bin it was not there. Needless to say Tan was angry as she'd have to survive a night without a phone...but come on there's Internet at ours.

We (they) really did do their best to find the tiny SIM in all our leftovers

On the journey we were told that our house would have no electricity till Monday. Now we heard that the electricity cut was only during the day so after the meal we took all our stuff there. Ling Ming had kindly arranged for it to be cleaned and bills paid up so we'd have electricity (hmm) and running water. Ah yes...running water, meaning showers! Or at least that was what we hoped until we found out there was no hot water. Cold showers are still cold showers and not a pleasant experience, but in this case less unpleasant than sitting in the same sweaty clothes for 30 hours in this heat.

More importantly though, Ling Ming had sorted out our Internet. At least that's what I thought. I saw our router sitting on the dining table, unplugged, and immediately plugged it in. Within a minute my phone connected to the SSID "pengduoming" but the password wasn't accepted. Lin Hong was with us and called Ling Ming and he sent the new password. But to no avail - no combination of the numbers seemed to work and I was resigned to going to China Mobile tomorrow to sort stuff out and Tan wouldn't even have internet on her phone. But then somehow it transpired that we shouldn't be connecting to "pengduoming" but some "ZTE" SSID instead. I didn't think this made any sense, but Lin Hong didn't think at all and just connected to it and it worked. My mind really wanted to understand where this SSID came from but at this stage I thought it best to just accept it and connect, with some relief.

After our showers, Tan went out and then Chuan Chuan took the kids back so I got them showered, and finally to sleep in Leilei's room at midnight, by which time Tan was back. I was peckish so told her I'd get some bbq but instead decided to go to the Beihai seafood place. As I arrived, Boss Huang stood up from his table where he was drinking with two mates, and shouted out "Peng Duoming!". He was quite the worse for wear and very happy to see me. I don't think he appreciates how imperfect my Chinese is so I used my trick of repeating every fifth or sixth sentence to show I was following. It was something along the lines of "...America is a different country...UK is a different country...Brexit.....our friendship is more important than all...." and he went on and on about it and I said I agreed (I mean, it's agreeable) but he was also doing his "bro" handshake of curling in his index (or was it middle?) finger and clasping my hand to his that actually quite hurt. I don't know anyone else in the world who shakes hands in such a manner - maybe it's a Beihai thing. I noted that a family group of about eight people came to eat at 1am, with kids under 10 years old. What a nice thing to see!

I only stayed an hour as was fairly tired. He tried to insist on giving me a lift back but in his comatose state I decided it wasn't fair for any pedestrians, and insisted myself on going for a walk as it was my first night back and I wanted to breathe in the night air, which was true really. I was tempted to walk past the many people still eating and drinking and get "invited" to join them but decided against it for now - there should be plenty of time for that. Sleep was not hard to come by as it was nearing 2am - screw you jetlag!

Back after a two-year break

I knew I shouldn't have gone to the pub last night but it was a meeting with many of the dads that I wouldn't see till September. It meant I had to pack late and would probably forget something. I awoke bang on 5.45am a second before my alarm and jumped in the shower after waking up the kids. In the end I had to delay the taxi by 15 minutes to 7am as I was still finding things to pack. But I had some clothes, passports, keys, wallet, and tissues so we couldn't go far wrong. I'd even printed out the boarding passes for good measure.

We'd done City Airport once before a long time ago, but this time we got a 17 minute cab to Woolwich Arsenal DLR, from where it was a short two stop ride to City, and should be the hardest part of our trip considering we wouldn't have luggage trolleys. Tan let it be known that she'd managed to pack all her and the kids' stuff into one large and one hand luggage, while mine took up two large suitcases and three carry-ons. It's not quite true; I had at least two of her pairs of flipflops, plus I'd brought Leilei's skateboard and a Wii Fit board, in shades of 2008 when I justified bringing it by dint of the fact that although we'd only be five and a half weeks, I'd be leaving it as it was a spare. I just hope we'll have a TV to play it on.

Getting on the first flight to Frankfurt - something wrong with Xixi's head

I'm used to arriving at the airport and going straight to security but I'd not built into the plan that we'd need to check in luggage. The place was packed and it seemed mostly with holiday goers. So after queues and all we only just had about enough time to visit the loo before our flight was called. Luckily I'd told Tan not to get duty free here as we'd only have to go through security again in Frankfurt. The flight, even for me, was pretty straightforward, up and down, and on time despite the wet landing.

I knew we'd have five hours to kill and I had a plan to kill them; duty free for Tan and me, and spend the rest of the time in the lounge. What I hadn't counted on was the time Tan would spend buying three bottles of perfume, and the time we'd spend looking for the lounge. The perfume took nearly an hour. I'd already got cigarettes and booze for friends in 10 minutes, which included eight minutes looking for Pimms that didn't exist. But when we asked about the lounge we were told not to go, as it would involve leaving the airport security area and having to come back in. I argued that we had four hours and the woman reluctantly gave us directions. It transpired that the lounge was "landside", as opposed to "airside", meaning before security, not to mention on the other side. But I think the 20 minute walk was worthwhile as when we eventually found it we had food and drink and a calmer environment and better wifi than the airport could provide.

At the lounge in Frankfurt - definitely something wrong with Xixi's head

But I was suddenly struck by a terror, even more severe than that when I'd discovered how much we'd spent on perfume and ciggies. If we were outside security, we were effectively like any Tom, Dick, or Harry coming in from the street. Yet we had four litres of booze and three bottles of perfume on us. Admittedly they were sealed but I had a vision of them being confiscated, so I bade us leave a good 30 minutes earlier than I normally would have done. In fact when we got to security they were fine with the sealed duty free, and I breathed an audible sigh of relief that I hope Tan didn't hear or understand - it would have been my fault of course if we'd had to leave it all behind.

And 10 minutes later we were standing outside a grand Airbus A380 - a rather large double decker passenger plane. I went for a gander when I heard the first call for people to go to the gate - I saw a horrid queue form and inwardly laughed at the people in it; we were all going to get a seat so why stand up for so long? Then I got a missed call from Tan. I guessed she'd heard the call too and went to tell her to relax. But that was the opposite of what she wanted to do. She told me that she'd been told we could get on first as we had young children. Young kids? We can't even park in those family spaces in Sainsburys any more and for at least two years had not been able to take advantage of this on flights. I wanted to believe her so went to the area between first class and economy and sure enough they allowed us on first with our obviously difficult to manage 11 and eight year olds. I told her "well done" but didn't labour the point that we didn't really deserve this.

Finally Going Back from Hong Kong

I hadn’t had much sleep but I didn’t forget to pick up Tan’s suitcase of clothes and various dried medicines. It was mid-morning and my flight to Europe was leaving soon after midday.

This time I was told I had access to some special lounge so went there and gosh it really was a special experience. Normally just having nice drinks and good wifi is all you can experience from a lounge but this one was streets ahead.

I’d brought spare undies, which was a good thing as I went for a magical shower (after a 9h30 flight any shower is magical) and despite my lack of sleep from Melbourne, felt great. I had a couple of nice decaf coffees, but felt it rude not to partake of a G&T before I left, but made sure it was after opening hours somewhere. But that was all I took.

I was in the top deck of what I think was an Airbus A380, and was for the second time in my life treated to an experience I didn’t really want to waste by sleeping. But after hardly noticing taking off, having a lovely meal, and watching some ok Brazilian film to a cognac or two I dozed off….

It was bliss to wake up with under four hours to go. The Dutch bloke closest to me who’d also slept woke up and ordered vodka and apple juice about three times. I felt superior and had but orange juice. Actually I think I may have had one more G&T for good measure.

And then we were in Amsterdam. Boring. And I didn’t even care for more drinks in the lounge as I waited for my short haul to Heathrow. A decision I instantly regretted as soon as in the air. But hey I was still “business” so got a white wine before landing close to home. And it hit me I’d been both privileged, yet polarised from family. Going to Pingguo was both the highlight and the lowlight this year, and I don’t want to go alone again. But I’m missing it already….

Blooming Australia

So much for Australia. I found my way to the office around midday but found nothing to eat. I  had a quick meeting with some woman who was on such another wavelength I didn’t even bother with. Then she was gone, and the only people left were drinking beers and as much as I’d like to have joined them I felt as far away as if I were back home. And that was what I was hankering for. But my flight wasn’t till midnight and I had heavy luggage with me.

So I stayed at the office till it was too late to get out and I had to ask a cleaner to get my to the lifts (or probably they call them elevators here). I thought I’d treat myself to a decent meal and found the most expensive place within walking distance. Great. I turned up and it was filled with rich and happy people 10 years younger than me, but I thought “sod it” and went in and asked for a table for one. I would have been a lot happier in a corner but I was thrust into the middle of the bustling place, for all to see I was a loner. At least if I had been David Mitchell I could have written a great three-minute soap box piece on this but I just didn’t have the talent or energy.

So I geeked. The female servers were lovely to be fair - as if they could sense my situation and so called me “darling” (or is that just Australian). But I read stories and comments from fark.com on Opera Mini browser (in order to save some data). I would have swapped my $40 Steak for a $3 hamburger and some company though, or even lack of, given where I was. After the meal I asked for a decaffeinated Irish coffee and the young lady was embarrassed to say they were out of decaf. Instead she brought me a compensatory armagnac of proportion to get me to the airport.

And so I got the cab, went to the airport, got there and maybe had a glass or deux of rouge, and had a thankfully boring flight back to Hong Kong.

Ok Flight to Shenzhen, Bad Flight from HK.

Luckily I wasn’t back at stupid’o’clock last night, and because I’d cleaned up there wasn’t too much to do in the morning. I left the clean fridge door open (unlike last year) and just accepted the fact that the dust would return before us.

I did pop into the local supermarket and get just a little bottle of the local “Finnish” v and poured some into carryons for the journey ahead. A Wu came in time and I suppose due to the fact that I’d not been here for a couple of months with the family, it didn’t seem that hard to leave. But it did nevertheless conjure up some sad emotions to be leaving what many may consider a nondescript apartment in a smallish rural town that almost no-one has heard of. But it has been around 15% of my life in the last 12 years so that was the significance.

The drive to Nanning was more dangerous than the flight as you can see

Statistically the drive to Nanning was more dangerous than the flight to Shenzhen but my warped brain didn’t make it feel so. A Wu’s and my goodbyes were as brotherly as any, and I think we were both genuinely rather sad. But a few pictures later I was in the lounge and he was gone, but for a couple of phone calls later on.

Saying goodbye to AWu outside the lounge

I didn’t feel too guilty adding some carryon v to the sugary shui bi (7-Up) even though it was not quite the afternoon. I tried to reason that it was another time in Europe but in fact it was 5am so didn’t really excuse the booze.

The flight to Shenzhen, possibly because of the medication, was fine. Meeting Ma Si’s mates in the car park afterwards was also ok thanks to mobile phones. But that’s where it became quite Chinese. I could have easily got a bus to Hong Kong from the airport, and indeed have done with the family a couple of times, but the two blokes I met and their lovely new white BMW decided they knew a better way.

To cut a much longer story than I wanted short, they eventually found a place where there were Hong Kong taxis to drive you to the airport at much more expense than my original boat would have been. Plus we were with other mainland Chinese, each of whom was interrogated by the border police. In the end I did get to Hong Kong airport but with only a couple of hours before my Australia flight - two hours later than had I taken the boat by myself.

Two hours before a flight would normally be a good thing, but after I’d put all the ginseng and various clothes away in the stored luggage (I was only due to be in Australia for a day and a half) it was close to boarding time. I went to check in to be told I needed a bloody visa. British people going to Australia need a visa? Well yes apparently so, not that anyone had told me, so I rushed to another part of the airport and was luckily able to buy one for 40 quid, after which they let me check in.

I do admit to slightly hustling to the lounge for the 7pmish flight in order to liquidate the effects of any turbulence. I quaffed probably the quickest four smallish Skols I had ever done before before hustling to the gate that had been called during my second. Despite my wee near the gate by the time I got on the plane I needed to go again but as I was about the last one on board I didn’t have time. It would have been less rushed if I'd been allowed to take something on with me to imbibe but I found out in Duty Free that Australia has special rules; they wouldn't let me buy a half bottle when I showed them my boarding pass and as annoyed as I was, I found out why when actually boarding - they have their own security just before you get on board, including checking for liquids. Why they couldn't just seal up the bag like they do for other flights? I don't know but you don't argue these things.

Gosh it does seem sometimes that the blooming seat belt light takes an age to go out, but as soon as it did I didn’t complain about my near back-of-the-aircraft seat as I was able to get to the loo without a queue. Ahhh. Then I started to relax...the flight was calm, I was sitting next to an elderly Chinese woman with whom I was having a gentle conversation, and I ordered a nice red wine. I was contemplating sleep.

The the captain talked on the tannoy: some of you may have noticed that we are travelling at 20,000 feet. This is because one of our engines is experiencing a lack of oil pressure. I’m sorry to have to tell you we will need to go back to Hong Kong to change planes.

Bugger, I didn’t need this. I went for a last wee, and on the way back asked if I could have a red wine refill. I was told no as they were preparing for landing. Thankfully my elderly Chinese co-traveller had ordered a red wine she no longer had any interested in, and was happy for me to appropriate it, which I did obligingly.

It did not help to be told that the landing would take longer than usual to stop, due basically to one of the engines not working. But I managed a sense of calm dictated mainly by the fact I knew there was nothing I could do (and to the glass of rouge from my co-traveller). In the end we landed in a manner I couldn’t differentiate from any other, for which I was rather grateful.

It was a five hour delay in the end. Normally this would not be a big deal but in this case it was as I was involved literally in a big deal. But it was out of my hands, so I found myself back in a different lounge which was pretty busy. I didn’t mind that you had to pay for anything above beer, and served myself some pretty decent food. But after my second beer I found myself nodding off in a way that wasn’t sleep-inducing, and realised I’d been up for 20+ hours with a not great flying experience in between.

We finally left some time after midnight and I was awake enough to have a meal, but also tired enough to get some sleep on the 9h30 flight. When I arrived, for my first time in Australia, I was singled out to be searched. Thankfully all the dried tea and ginseng and stuff from A Xia I’d left in Hong Kong airport, but still the bloke rifled through everything I had. Fair enough, he was just doing his job. We talked about football but during this the Aussie sales guys were trying to call me to ask where the f**k I was as the meeting was starting...WTF could I do about it? After being given the all-clear I went to the bogs to change into business attire, then grabbed a taxi and got to the sales meeting 20 minutes late. But I got the job done. Then, to my surprise, my colleagues got their taxis to the airport to go home to Sydney, leaving me to spend a night in Melbourne as I’d been told I’d be needed for two days.

So there was me, stood outside a prospect’s office, abandoned by my colleagues, freezing in just a shirt in the Australian winter, waiting for a cab that eventually arrived where I found out I was half an hour from the hotel I was told was crap anyway.

And it was. But with the lack of sleep I was grateful for a hot meal and a glass of rouge. I even opened the full bottle in the room and managed a couple of glasses before the arms of Morpheus strangled my Pommy body and dragged me to the land of nod. At least for a couple of hours. I’d been told I should go to the Melbourne office tomorrow but given the fact I’d been abandoned yesterday afternoon I thought “screw you” and in my awakeness had another glass of rouge as I had no-one to talk to and just wanted to get home. I managed to sleep again not so long after.

Last Night in Pingguo for the Twelfth Time or so...

I had originally planned to go to Nanning tonight in order to be close to the airport for my 12.40 flight on 2nd September, based on recent stressful experiences with And and Awl not knowing when we’d get through the Nanning traffic as we were always picking up/dropping off someone else. But it seemed too much of a waste of Pingguo time, and I’d been offered a lift by A Wu and Lin Hong for tomorrow anyway so I thought I’d take the risk and have an extra night here.

For some reason “breakfast” was with A Wu and some people from China Mobile, in a building not far from the university. It consisted of no food or drink but A Wu had declared it breakfast so that it must have been.

We invited these people for lunch but none turned up, rather a couple of colleagues did, but no beer did which I could have done with, it being my last day and all. After lunch A Wu and I went back to his office but I said I had a matter to attend to, which I’ve learnt after many years is the standard way of excusing yourself.

As I left A Wu’s office Lin Hong called me to say she would sort out the water in the house but I said not to bother. But then she said she was already at our house. As I was across the road I went to meet her but too late she’d already paid for the water and whatever else. Anyway I went and finished tidying up the place after which it finally felt like a proper home again. It felt quite cathartic despite the fact it was my last full day here.

I still hankered after a tinkle on a piano so went out in the mid-afternoon scorch to look for a place. I finally managed to find one I’d frequented last year only to find it was supposed to open at 3pm and it was already 3.30pm and I didn’t think waiting under the beating sun would help speed things up. So I thought “sod it” and went to A Xia’s where I knew I needed to pick up a year’s supply of ginseng and something else. It thoughtfully started to rain just as I called A Xia, but I went there anyway as I didn’t have much choice. 1100 kuai poorer and 4kg heavier in luggage terms I had Tan’s stuff. Well that’s buggered the packing. What will have to go? Tan’s ginseng, Tan’s clothes, or something of mine? Well I didn’t need so many clothes anyway - who needs more than two shirts?

I had to go to the bank to pay A Xia, and thought I’d also need to pay for red envelopes for A Wu’s and Ling Ming’s new babies. That would set me back a fair whack so I took out 3000 and hoped it would be the last time for a long time. But tradition is tradition and I’m quite glad I was able to give the red envelopes in Tan’s absence.

Back at Waipo’s house she was asking me about the microwave. Apparently it was broken but I had no time or inclination to fix it. I suggested I could bring the one from our house but remembered someone had appropriated it already in our absence (not that we ever really used it). So I offered to buy one but she would not hear of it and I was secretly glad, not because of the expense, but more the time and effort getting it around.

I had asked my mates to come to the Beihai seafood place for my traditional last supper, and as usual nearly all said they could come. Now I had three hours to kill so I could relax. Until suddenly I remembered Tan’s red trousers that I’d left at the market to be adjusted. Shit - it was 6.15pm and they’d be closed! I hurried off on the dian dong che and arrived to a half closed door but with no-one in. Some little kid came scraping around and I asked where his mum was and he pointed to another closed shop a few yards away where a few women were eating outside on tiny stools. One of them was the owner and she went to get the trousers - phew.

Then, before I could do anything else Haiwei called demanding my presence at a meal as it was someone’s birthday. Well actually I could make it so I thought “why not?”, a thought that hasn’t always produced the best results but doing nothing for an hour or so on one’s last night was not really forgivable. I arrived at the place at the other end of town, near where A Wu used to live a few years ago, and climbed up to the third floor where I found Haiwei and his wife and sons, together with a rather redly inebriated Lou Lan. That’s what people call Nong Kaicheng’s dad anyway, but actually it means something like “alcohol addict” literally, though I suppose in a humorous way. There were a couple of other blokes too and by the number of empty cans I got a good idea of the situation.

We had a good time actually and I allowed myself to eat and drink a little and of course cai ma. But at about 8pm I got a call from Ma Si, the bloke with the BMW X6 and the land outside Pingguo with the wonderful tea. I’d invited him tonight but didn’t expect it when he said he was already at the Beihai seafood place.

I made my excuses to Haiwei and said I would see him soon, as I didn’t want to keep one of the richest people I knew waiting. Actually I shouldn’t have minded so much but thought maybe I’d told him 8pm instead of 9. I rushed as fast as the electrons would carry me and arrived at the seafood place under 10 minutes later. Ma Si was standing outside his X6 with a piece of paper in his hand. I apologised about the time and he really didn’t give a monkey’s. In fact the only reason he’d come was to give me the number of a couple of mates in Shenzhen, who would come and meet me at the airport to take me to Hong Kong in their car.

Well this was very kind of him, so I asked if he would sit down and have a beer or a bite but he said he couldn’t as he had a matter to attend to. Fair enough - someone in his position probably does. I was actually quite looking forward to sorting my journey to HK tomorrow but sod it - it will give me some company.

Well I was there now - at the Beihai food place nearly an hour before I expected others, but at least my friend, the Japanese-hating-but-otherwise-nice-bloke who owns the place, and he joined me for a beer. I sent out some messages to let people know I was already here and it wasn’t long before they started arriving.

A Ni and a female colleague of hers at our meal - yes ladies were allowed!

Saying goodbye to one of my favourite Pingguo pals - Jiefu (A Wu's eldest daughter's husband)

And it never fails to be a great evening. Food was ordered, beer was a-flowing, and more importantly the company was there...Li Kun, Uncle Yellow, A Wu and Haiwei, Jiefu and more...only Ling Ming couldn’t make it due to baby commitments. When I finally settled the bill at gone midnight it was only 900 kuai, peanuts for feeding and oiling so many of us.

That was it - I went back to our lonely house after a last ride around Pingguo. But at least it was clean.

Leeches, Expensive Flower Tea, and a bit of TT

I woke up at 7am with pain and a hangover. Waipo caught me going to the loo and noted I was up early but I told her I needed some more kip and went back to bed. Until 8am when Ma Laoban pinged me to see if I was up. I said honestly that I was, but that we’d meet up later if ok, which it was.

So a shower (phew) later I took the bike to where I thought his shop was but obviously got it wrong when I didn’t recognise anyone inside. They were friendly enough to wave me along down the road to where Ma Laoban’s shop was, where he met me laughing.

I got in his 4x4 Toyota and three other blokes went with us to a place near the massage place. The meal was fine of course, then two of the blokes left to go and sleep, leaving the other one, Ma Si. We had no chance of finishing the food so left, but went with Ma Si to his home village a few kms outside Pingguo.

Judging by his nice, black BMW X6, he was rather well-to-do, though came across as a thoroughly down-to-earth bloke. He moaned about the running costs of the car, how services were 4000 kuai and had to be done multiple times a year due to his high mileage. Not to mention the various speeding fines he seems to routinely get.

We drove for some 20 minutes to the outer reaches of Pingguo, and finally stopped at a seemingly nondescript mud track off the tiny road. Ma Si must have thought my Chinese was better than I did as he talked to me quickly and in vocabulary that would stretch a local (I hoped). We walked down the muddy path, umbrellas in hand as the clouds were leaking an almost English-like moisture without it pelting down. Then we stopped at a pond. This was a special pond I found out a minute later when Ma Laoban dipped a stick in and a moment later brought it out with a couple of leeches clinging on to it. He rather clumsily managed to put one in his water bottle so I could examine the way it mostly used its suckers on the front and rear to move about and generally show it was angry.

A leech from the pond

Ma Si's X6 and the background

It took quite a lot of time but eventually I learnt that because exporting these valuable leeches would be too troublesome (I don’t doubt it as they could have blood in them), they were interested in drying them and exporting the crushed remains as some sort of medicine that was very good for the blood! But I didn’t have time to dwell on this as soon we were off again to somewhere else.

Next we ended up at a rather lovely house, overlooking a deep valley of green. I understood it was Ma Si’s house. He started talking about some amazing tea that only grew here, and was very expensive. Then he explained that he owned just about all the land that this specific tea grew in. As I walked under the rain to get a good view of my surroundings, and I did rather like it, a senior woman walked in, and Ma Si announced her as his mum.

Well after a perfunctory shake of hands I didn’t see her again, but that was the cue to sit down at a table and have some of this special tea. I was told more than once that a small bag of 200 grammes of this would set you back 500kuai. So it was of little surprise he brought out a fresh bag of it to let us drink.

It was actually really really nice. Slightly fruity, slightly sweet. I explained that the first time I’d drunk pu er cha I didn’t sleep till 5am and he said he had the same thing, and that he only drank this tea. So after 20 mins of this I was as pleased as punch that he put a few fistfulls of the said brew into a bag and gave one to me and one to Ma Laoban. Apparently 50 quids worth in each. I highly doubt it, but look forward to bringing it back to blighty for a unique taste.

We then moved on to see his farm…. Well I got a good tour of chickens, pigs, ducks, and the like, and smelled various stenches. In fact Ma Si bade me smell the difference between two different types of pigs, and told me one lot stank and the others didn’t. I couldn’t really tell but really did try and said I thought there was some difference. Apparently one lot (the non-smelly) were worth a lot more than the others. I wondered if washing the others would increase their worth but at this point, as I was rather tired, I decided not to ask.

But it was a genuinely fascinating tour of the farm and I learnt more about this business in Guangxi than I have ever done in the previous 12 years. The tour culminated in Ma Si presenting me a gift that is traditional in his part of the world - something that will protect you on your return journey - two live chickens. I was very appreciative (again, genuinely), and received them honourably, though I had no idea what to do with them.

Me and Ma Laoban at Ma Si's house

Some non-smelly pigs

Ma Si, Ma Laoban, and me

Well, it wasn’t that hard really. We eventually started on the way back to central Pingguo after our rural excursions, a bit too late though for a siesta. As Ma Si dropped us off at Ma Laoban’s shop not much before 5pm, and we bade our thanks and farewells, I mentioned to Ma Laoban that I hadn’t expected that. He answered that he hadn’t either, and had rather hoped for a siesta himself. It was good to know that I was not the only one, but better to have had the experience I did this afternoon.

Ma Laoban gave me a lift to Waipo’s where she asked me to eat tea but I had to explain I’d been invited to eat by Chen. I knew I’d disappointed her a little but she seemed to perk up when I had the good idea of offering her the two chickens from Ma Si, though she did ask why I didn’t want to take them back to the UK.

As I’d managed to get out of tea at Waipo’s and had 90 minutes to kill before Chen’s, I took the dian dong che to the massage place as my back was still playing up. I admit to having a wee beer accompany me on the way, and maybe one as I had a shower before. Oh but the massage was great, and made me feel less guilty about anything I may have been normally feeling guilty about at the time. Despite the advice of A Wu to put his name down for any massages there I once again paid up front as it was well and truly worth it.

I even felt more invigorated as I skimmed to Chen’s, only a little late at 6.30ish. It was at his apartment with his wife and son. As soon as I entered his son of about 10 years old was overcome by excitement and wanted to do anything to interact with me in a way that might have been considered strange outside of the context. I was happy to shake hands with the boy and play with his toys and talk to him for quite a few minutes until the parents insisted I come to table with them and the blokes. Ah yes...the blokes from the karaoke the other night, together with the one with the Christmas Tree company. But tonight they were different. No, they were just not drunk. Really nice blokes in fact, and the whole meal was tremendously enjoyable as a family/friends thing. And yes we drank beer. But it seems that in such surrounding blokes don’t get stupidly pissed and that I appreciated. Apparently the wife knew Tan as she used to have a clothes shop in the same road as Lao Ma, and apparently I’d been there in 2014 when she adjusted some of Tan’s clothes. Well silly me for not remembering.

I left at 9pm to meet Yang Haiwei for some table tennis at the new, more professional place, but not before going for a refreshing watermelon juice at a place near A Wu’s old office. It was great to catch up with the young girls there who I remembered from when they were toddlers a few years ago! There was a new girl at the table tennis place, too young for the old people’s leisure centre by about 40 years no doubt and I had to play her. I let her win 12-10 12-10. At least that’s what I believed.

The young ladies (two of them ex-toddlers) at the juice place

From July 2011 - I think left and right are the same but not middle

Yang Haiwei in good form at the new table tennis place

 
Then finally, as I was really flaking, I went to meet A Wu in some coffee place by the river. I remember waiting for some time before he came to pick me up. But I was so tired I barely remember playing caima. Probably the first time I got to bed before midnight.