Flights

I'd planned it all so that I wouldn't disturb Tan at 4am. I even woke before the alarm and turned it off. Everything was sorted so I only had to get out of the room to the non-ensuite shower, then wash and be on my way.

But for some reason I left my phone in our room. I normally use my phone as a light but as it was there I couldn't so I ventured back like a cat to pick it up. Unlike a cat I forgot that it was still attached to the charger so as I held it lightly it jumped out of my hand a second later like a kitten, except it didn't make the sound that kittens make when they land on a wooden floor and immediately I was treated to a loud "TUT" as only woken women can make. Oh I tried so hard.

So cats, kittens, and women out of the way I was sorting out some last minute things post-shower when I noticed I had two missed calls, and that A Wu and A Ni were downstairs bang on 5am. I called them to say I'd be down there within two shakes of a rat's tail, but not literally and got down there five minutes later.

We exchanged pleasantries but by the time we were out of Pingguo both A Wu and A Ni were asleep in the back of the car. I didn't sleep one notch as I feared it would affect si ji (the driver). The goodbye at the airport was not what I am used to because I'm coming back (planes allowing in two weeks) so it was a quick hug and that was it.

I didn't need the hassle that ensued at the airport, with after having queued for a bit being told to go to another queue, from which I was told to go back to the first queue. I argued with a representative that I did not want to be queue swapping again and he soon realised that it was better to speak to me in Mandarin (I find it easier to argue in Mandarin but maybe that is just a marriage thing). I was bloody livid when I was told to swap queue again so I went to the previous bloke and told him this was just unacceptable. So I was advised to go to the business class queue and there I explained that I would not budge until I had a boarding pass. It seemed to work; apparently the problem was that I was flying to Xiamen, and that there I would have to get my luggage and re-check-in. Not the biggest problem in the world and if I had been told that in the first place it would have been a lot smoother.

Lounge access was nice after that. I saw black and white people for the first time in nearly two weeks (black people and white people I mean, not "black and white" people). Though it was only 7.30am I was worried about a flight to a city I'd never heard of before so forced myself to have a couple of gin-impregnated lemonades before the flight. I asked when we were going to be called about 20 minutes before my flight and the woman said we'd be called presently. She obviously assumed I was on the same flight as the Westerners as after 2 minutes she seemed alarmed and told me to hurry along to board now.

Putting practisers in the Nanning lounge - just what I wanted at 7.30am

Not the busiest time of the day

As is the wont at Nanning you get a VIP security channel and within a minute I was "plane side" and got on the flight. I didn't sleep, and I didn't enjoy it much, but those two Gs did help make it manageable. And I got to speak with some bloke from near Xiamen whose wife lived in Nanning, which was quite pleasant. Though I didn't have the heart to ask how you can live so far apart for so much of the year. I'm about to do that for just over two weeks and it hurts already.

At Xiamen I tried to get some Golden Virginia for Tel but they only had proper fags. Sorry Tel. So I spent the rest of the time in the lounge after getting my suitcase and re-checking it in. Chinese red wine is not great. But if you have to fly it is manageable and I managed three very small glasses.

The flight to Amsterdam was relatively OK. It was KLM so I had a G&T with my meal but needn't have bothered as I seemed to be dropping on and off for some of the flight. Similarly for the next Amsterdam to Brussels flight. Almost pointless as only 25 mins in the air but that still required a take-off and landing so made it just as dangerous as the previous one. But I was too tired to care. Worst thing was probably waiting 50 minutes for luggage in Brussels before could get taxi to hotel. I don't think I crashed until 1am, or 7am Chinese time. Travelling may seem romantic to some but it's bloody shit if you don't like flying and have a family.

Last Day of First Half

No table tennis again due to my back. What a pain it really is - I should use it as an excuse to get a massage but I don't think I'll have the time.

At midday I called Ma Laoban as so far I haven't actually seen this good mate. I was at his computer shop but he was at his new office so I walked there and met his wife outside, who showed me in. We exchanged hugs before sitting down to some horribly strong red tea with the bloke who used to run the bed shop next door to Ma Laoban years ago. Ma Laoban's wife produced a bag of the said red tea and I didn't know what to say other than it was rather strong and I didn't want to drink any more. Wrong answer (if it had been an answer to a question) - she had presented it to me as a present and I'd just slammed it, albeit honestly.

Ma Laoban is about to buy a new car. It will arrive in about three weeks so I should see it. It is a Toyota Highlander. I looked at the brochure and couldn't help admiring the three rows of seats and ample head and leg room. For 300000 kuai I can't help thinking he's made a better decision than A Wu's six times more expensive BMW X6. But that's from a purely practical perspective. If I had to buy a car for impressing other people solely it may not be the same case.

Bed boss, me and Ma Laoban posing with the L chin

A bit more natural

We took a couple of photos and then I suggested that we eat together. This was taken as a good idea but I somehow knew that despite it being my idea it would not be my invitation. A few phone calls were made and a few minutes later we were driving to a new restaurant in town. At least new to me as it only opened up last summer apparently. We were shown a place by the window where we could see Pingguo pass by and I immediately felt comfortable by the fact that we would be eating in an open area rather than a private room. I broke open my bowl, spoon, plate and various other accoutrements from their tight clingfilm cover and poured out some sweet tea.

Then Ma Laoban asked about the air conditioning. Apparently it would not be turned on in the common area as there was only us. This did not go down well so within a minute we'd ordered a private room and I was escorted to a more "privileged" place. I knew better than to argue.

Ma Laoban called A Wu and he turned up with A Ni. There were a couple of young girls too who must have been the offspring of one or two of the other blokes who turned up. Tan came but only to drop off Xixi so within 30 minutes of the meal starting there were at least 10 of us and it really felt nice. We had huo guo, but with many spicy side dishes, and I managed a healthy number of beers (as in healthy for the body) in readiness for another siesta in my last afternoon in China for a couple of weeks.

I mentioned my 8am flight to A Wu and he said he'd drive with me there as he had stuff to do in Nanning too. I thought he was joking but he was up for it so I said fair enough and I'd see him at 5am at the bottom of our block.

I managed to go to Waipo's and spend some time with the kids. Xixi had done a plastercast painting of the gangnam style singer which was pretty cool.

Wop wop gangnam style

As I had to pack and do lots of shit I ended up not having a siesta and was knackered by 6pm. But I'd been invited to a reunion meal with A Wu and his ex-colleagues from junior school. I couldn't not go so turned up via a san lun che as A Wu had to get there early. I had not one but two embarrassing experiences by introducing myself to guests I apparently knew from years gone past. So it was a little bit of an unknown reunion for me too. I excused myself by saying I was tired and actually the memories of them were now coming back to me but felt a bit of a liar. The snake was good though.

The snake was good

I did a few gan bei's but kept it reasonable and before 9pm made my genuine excuses that I had to finish packing and get to bed before 10pm. Even A Wu didn't try to stop me, though I had to make another round of gan bei's before the rest would let me leave.

Somehow I sorted out the kids and managed to get to bed around midnight almost shaking with tiredness.

Fears

At least I tried acupuncture. I appreciate what others go through when they dislike doing things but I at least go through with it to find out. Same with flying. I don't like it when people have illogical fears therefore I either don't accept that I have any irrational fears or I have to make them rational. It is the latter:
 - Flying: aeroplanes are designed and built by humans, and aeroplane companies buy aeroplanes based on price among other things. Humans will cut corners to make something cheaper so that it will be bought. That's what I think about when flying but I'm grown up enough to know that by flying to China with my family we are less likely to die than when driving to Caz and Steve's house. If that is true I should truly not even get sweaty hands while flying.
 - Needles: Ok, in the West, when having dental treatment or getting a blood sample I should not react the way I do. I'm embarrassed and I don't have a reason for it. Maybe everyone is allowed one actual irrational fear. But despite it I still will get injections done (except for China vaccinations as they're only "advised" and not as important as certain kids' ones).
 - House and drain spiders: not actually irrational - only the general fear of spiders is irrational. House and drain spiders are the closest thing to supernatural beasts and should not be witnessed by anything other than flies and caterpillars about to meet their doom.

But at least I fly, have injections, and live within 30 yards of spiders. It's the group of people who avoid their fears I don't want to belong to.

I have to fly to Belgium on Monday so wanted to spend a lot of this weekend with the kids. As Leilei had had A Da over I went out with them in the late morning after they'd finally awoken to get a bite to eat. Leilei has taken to being here better than any other year he has been since school age. His mates have been part and parcel of that despite my fears that impending adulthood would prise a fork between their friendship with its broken voices and B.O. But it's been, if anything, better than before and the kids have taken to their relatively greater independence here very well in their other home language.

Two handsome young men in the lift

I think I had a little siesta, or "wu shui", something invaluable here but if you had to put money on it it would be around GBP22-27. I had a bite to eat with the kids at Waipo's place and promised to fix their wifi but the problem was they haven't yet paid for Internet so there's not a lot I can do until then. I did notice that they still have my old BT Home Hub 1.0 but it should still work with the hacked firmware I installed a few years ago.

In the evening I went to drink tea at the tea place opposite where I'd met Li Kun the other day. I said I wanted to buy a teapot as I felt a bit bad just going there and drinking tea all the time, and said I'd be back later. Then I went next door where there was a sports shop with a bargain rail. I asked if the tops on the bargain rail were for table tennis but I was told they were for badminton. I didn't really understand the difference but said I wanted one and also wanted my name printed on it. They said it would be possible, which was music to my ears, and I told them, like the tea place next door, that I'd be back that evening.

But Xixi came first. I took her out to the guangchang despite the numerous calls from friends for her to go with them. Although it had been raining, and the guangchang was not its usual filled-up-to-the-rafters self, there were still plenty of places to amuse kids and spend money. Xixi really wanted to do some painting so we found a place that had something a bit like stained glass windows to paint. They had outlines of cartoons drawn with some sort of raised plastic so that you could paint in-between and the paint would not dribble over the outlines if you were careful enough. I helped Xixi but she was actually more careful than me. It did take a good half an hour, which, when your back is bad and you're sitting on a 6" high stool does make you draw rather quickly so that is my excuse. Anyway she did rather well too as the heavens promoted moisture in a way that was rather refreshing.

Xixi's handiwork

With the finished product and A Wu

I finally gave in to the phone calls and called Tian Tian - her mother Lin Hong answered and told us they were having bbq by the guangchang so we sidled over there and within five minutes were sitting with a couple of other young ladies. We had an enjoyable hour or so during which I showed Lin Hong some old photos of her and Tian Tian. She insisted on having these so I logged on to QQ somehow and sent a couple to her. Now she wants me to print some off too.

By the time I said I had to get Xixi back, Lin Hong flamboyantly did not let me pay for anything, even the two beers I had from the other place. I didn't argue too much as I didn't have the energy. I'll invite them out one evening and pay then. I took Xixi home for a well-needed shower and then realised at midnight that I'd totally forgotten about buying my teapot and badminton shirt. But I knew there would be no hard feelings and I'd go tomorrow for these necessities.

Severe acupuncture woo

I actually had a half decent sleep until 7.30am for the second day in a row. I was up every couple of hours for a few minutes but used Chinese counting to put me back to sleep as I still fear German after 4am.

Aware of the table tennis tournament, I went to the Old People's Leisure Centre at 8.30, in time for the arrival of the visiting team. In fact they were from only 10 minutes away at the aluminium company. Many of the better players were deep in practice and I didn't get much chance to play until the competition began upstairs at some time past 9am. I hadn't been practising for more than 15 minutes when I felt a ping in my lower back and couldn't go on. I apologised to my opponent and limped upstairs to watch a bit of the competition. It was played in great spirits and the match I watched ebbed and flowed between our home man and the aluminium man. There were match points on both sides and lots of shouting and clapping until finally our man came back from match point down to win the fifth and final game 15-13. It was so exciting and I had a minor fantasy about representing Pingguo Old People's Leisure Centre in some future competition in a decade or so's time.

When I got home at soon after 10am and told Tan about my back she said I needed acupuncture. Such expressions of opinions provoke testing times in a relationship. I am very sceptical of the value of acupuncture, and especially the relationship between certain points of the body and how they relate to organs etc. But, I understand there may be some correlation between acupuncture and pain relief. I agreed to go but only because I had never done it before and no-one's died from acupuncture have they?

But first lunch. We went for noodles at a local place for only 5 kuai each and I realised that actually you can still eat really well for really cheap (and in an air conditioned place) here in Pingguo. During the meal I got a call from Li Kun, my friend since 2004, whom I'd been meaning to call for a couple of days. He'd seen me walk past a tea shop fromwherewithin he'd been drinking tea and we agreed to meet up for a few mins before acupuncture.

It was great to meet up with him again for a few minutes but I knew Tan was waiting for me so I told him we'd go for a couple of beers soon. Actually Tan had already gone to the acupuncture place and said she was waiting for me, so the other bloke who'd been drinking tea with me gave me a lift there. It should have been that simple but Tan's instructions were not quite as clear as I thought and although I was only 50 yards away A Xia came and picked me up and took me there.

I don't want to go into detail. I explained to the "doctor" that my lower back had been a bit bad for three months since I played badminton without stretching first, then today it took a turn for the worse after having played ping pong for 10 minutes (plus every morning all week). He nodded and said "ah" as doctors do, and bade me lie face down on a bed. According to Tan (as my medical knowledge extends only as far as diarrhoea) he reckoned my fifth vertebrae disc had moved or slipped or something.

For someone who vehemently dislikes needles I had no fear about acupuncture as 1) they don't inject you with anything, and 2) they only go like 1mm into your skin. But when this bloke took the first needle to me it bloody hurt! Like it was going in more than skin deep. My hands were as clammy as in a violently turbulent flight but I kept my noises to deep breathing...until the next one went in and my leg kicked backwards in reaction. I felt pain but tried so hard not to show it. "Only one more", he said, as if he could smell my fear. Ooh, my head pulled back as the third and final one went in. Now I just had to wait 15 minutes.

Looks fairly innocuous...

...until you see how deep they go!

Well it felt more like a day and Tan and A Xia were plain laughing at me and my trouble all the time - it was genuinely amusing to them and they actually refused to believe I was in any pain. The only relief I got was when the "doctor" put some sort of wooden box over my lower back with some burning "medicine" whose heat actually made the pain subside somewhat. As that went on I felt him massage my lower legs and somehow determine a bit that correlated with my lower back. Hocus fucking pocus abracadabra bollocks, he dug deep with his finger till it hurt and asked me if it hurt and I said yes, and Tan said I'd need a needle there, so I retracted my statement and said it felt fine. Then he dug deeper until it bloody hurt and I still said it didn't but he had felt my bodily reaction and knew it did and stuck a bloody needle there. Then he moved to the left leg and I was adamant that nowhere would hurt, but not as adamant as he was that it needed a needle. In fact he said that a certain area on my left leg needed to have blood let out of it. It was at this stage when I told Tan, in English, that there was no fucking way I was going to go to Victorian England to have my blood let by this man, and in no uncertain terms. So he was left with only being able to stick another needle in.

Some sort of heating box that was comfortable

Why the legs?

I was not in a good mood but tried my best to understand where he was coming from. I did not try to put him down with questions about how acupuncture has worked in double-blind experiments. Such "doctors" will have to deal with these kind of questions in due course, but as he was wielding the needles I felt no need to antagonise him.

I'd asked Tan to take a couple of photos for the record. When I finally got the leg needles removed I had a look and was absolutely shocked to see how deep the first needles had gone into me. Into my spine. The "doctor" said I didn't need to come back tomorrow but the day after. I have no intention of ever walking in that place again. I paid 40 kuai for the experience and 40 for Tan who was just about to have something similar done. I wonder whether she will see this for what it is one day. I found it quite difficult to get on my feet and as I gingerly walked away I could still hear the ladies' laughter.

Cured

It took me some time to get back home but I managed it on my own two feet via the supermarket and poured myself a strong G&T when got there. As much as I wanted and needed a siesta I had to book flights back to Europe for work on Monday. It's cost me £986 but I have the small "bonus" that I should be on the same flight as Awl coming back to China on the 13th August.

Boss Hu had invited us and A Wu's family out for an evening meal, which was nice of him. I count him as a good friend and in fact I introduced him to A Wu in 2010. We went to a restaurant I hadn't been to before and as soon as you entered you were thrown into Mao Ze Dung territory. It was quite fantastic with statues and great pictures of a former age that still manages to manifest itself in 2013. It was like a themed restaurant with all the staff dressed in army garb and the food was from a certain era and place I believe. For some reason Boss Hu ordered himself a bottle of red wine, while A Wu and I stuck to the beer. Hu also had his si ji with him who shared a couple of glasses.

Entrance to restaurant with A Wu

Boss Hu, his driver, me, and A Wu

I took a calculated risk by trying some of the fish that came part way through the meal. The other day at lunch with Haiwei I'd had some fish for the first time in a long time (apart from bbq fish), and had survived without a scorched anus. So I had some sort of confidence that my stomach was now ok with freshwater fish in Pingguo. 10 minutes after my first mouthful something below told me I was wrong. I excused myself and didn't even entertain the thought of a sit down toilet...I just needed a hole. There were two cubicles and although I could have run into the open one straight away I had the presence of mind to notice a toilet paper distributor outside, rather than inside the cubicles. Despite my sphincter's protestations, I spent a whole five seconds pulling more and more toilet paper in preparation. Once in the cubicle I noticed that the bolt did not marry up with the slot that was necessary to lock me in. Now I was in desperation but I wasn't going to drop my trousers without being locked in so I mustered up superhuman strength to raise the door until the bolt would lock, then undid my belt and everything else and crouched for the first time in 2013 and let the fish do its ugly work.

I was a new man when I got back to the private eating room and had a Mr Bean smugness that I'd taken enough toilet paper with me into the cubicle, so much so that I almost felt the need to show them I still had some left over. I gan bei'd with gusto and enjoyed the rest of the meal hugely.

Me, Tan, and a fu wu yuan in army garb

Afterwards A Da and I picked up Leilei, who's needed a haircut since before we got here, and went to a place A Da knows. I ordered a hair wash and haircut for Leilei, then noticed they were doing "head washes" too, so got one for myself. It wasn't quite as professional as others in Pingguo but it was bloody good, and when we both finished the total came to only 31 kuai!

I took A Da and Leilei back home and they showered and A Da had a sleepover at ours. They were pretty well behaved and I'm really glad Leilei doesn't seem to have any problem with communication with his mates. Tan came back a few minutes later complaining of stinking of cigarettes - yes that's something that still happens here but you take the rough with the smooth. She seemed to take a bit of pity on my still bad back at least.

More table tennis and haircut

If Xixi hadn't come into our room at 7.30am I might have slept even longer but even as it was I wasn't complaining because it was a normal time to wake up. She was still a bit sleepy and just wanted a cuddle which she got from both sides - I think it is only the second time she's slept at home since we arrived a week ago.

I left the ladies to themselves and went to the Old People's Leisure Centre to brush up my table tennis skills. I went upstairs and one of the better women asked me to play her. We played best-of-five and amazingly I won the first game though lost the match 3-1 which is a bit more than a moral victory to me. Then, when the others came upstairs it was like she switched gear to become a proper demon player and I realised I had been used as not much more than a fluffer. Still, that seems in some way like a promotion - an awareness of my improvement in my game. It was explained to me that there was a competition tomorrow so they were all practising hard so I went downstairs to where the mortals play and didn't have a break until I said I had to leave at 11am.

 A non-spectacular roam around the Old People's Leisure Centre

Tan and Xixi were out so I grabbed a shower and decided I should meet my friend Lu Hai whose house we stayed in when we first came to Pingguo in 2003. He spotted me a few dozen yards from his barber's place and gave me a big wave. We met and had a little Western hug and then got down to the business of washing and cutting my hair. In previous years he had cut my hair always using scissors as he'd said it was better than an electric razor, but this year he used the electric razor with a comb. I had noticed he had a small but noticeable shake in his arms last year and this year was no different. If it had been a one-off it could have been put down to the DTs but I really suspect something like the beginning of MS. Normally in China this is the sort of thing you would ask quite bluntly but my English heart didn't have the will. If it was true it would spell the end to his career as a barber within months if not years which was a sad thought. Still, he said he was going to Nanning next week to do a hairdressing course by Toni & Guy for 5000 kuai, so he must be fairly confident. I really hope he's ok though. I left saying I'd call him one evening for beers and certainly will, and he accepted 40 kuai for a 30 kuai haircut.

For the first time this year for lunch I bought a portion of bao zi from our local place as I had so many times last year while working. It was nice to see the woman again, who doesn't normally talk much but this time was asking about why I'd been away so long. Tan was in when I got back but left to eat a few minutes later so I had a sneaky G&L and a nice siesta again, or "wu shui" as they're called here.

In the evening, again for the first time this year, I had my evening meal at Waipo's house with the family. It was nice to not be in a restaurant though within a few minutes I felt some movements below my tummy and knew all was not 100%. Tan's phone would not pick up the Internet so I used that as an excuse for us both to go home where I had a comfortable evacuation without any of the stresses of previous years.

I couldn't sort out Tan's phone much to my geeky dismay and resolved to do so tomorrow. I did write an email in Chinese for a potential Chinese client and Tan corrected it so I felt I'd done something useful and by that time it was already getting on. Tan was tired and I was a little but decided to take advantage of the kids not being around by popping out. I gave Lu Wen a ring and he told me someone would pick me up to take me to the same boss's office as a couple of days ago but I said I'd make my own way. And somehow I found it within a few minutes.

I don't know what they do there other than drink beer, eat bbq, and play chess and cards, but they seem to have plenty of money. One of the blokes from the shop under our house was there, and a little the worse for wear. You can generally tell that when they start trying to talk English. It wasn't the vocabulary that was so dreadful so much as the pronunciation that mostly made no sense until they spelled out what they were trying to say. Anyway, a load of bbq was delivered just after I arrived, and shortly afterwards another crate of beer, followed not that long after by more bbq. I enjoyed it mostly as it was mainly an exercise in Chinese so I definitely benefitted. But I strongly opposed the offer of a lift home at 11.30 when I said I had to go, and walked off some of the excess so much that after a shower I was not demoted to a separate bedroom (although Tan was asleep at the time).

Why must I wake up so early?

Ok this is getting a bit ridiculous. I couldn't get back to sleep after waking up at 4.30am. I considered counting in German but that can be a bit strong and I wanted to be up in time for table tennis at 8am so I tried counting in Chinese but it didn't quite work. So I succumbed to the usual coffee and rice crispy cake and did a little work as dawn's grey-orange fingers lifted the night sky.

Table tennis was another good workout with a lot of smashing, including backhanded which does impress them (though not as much as the pen-hold backhand smash impresses me). After my shower, at around 11.30 I decided to go to Haiwei's office to see if he wanted to have an early lunch. When I walked into his office I found him feet up on the desk reclined in his luxury chair watching pop videos on the Internet and found myself wondering what he really did for a living. When he heard my voice he jumped to his feet and ushered me into another office where Boss Huang and a new boss came to drink tea with me. This went on till well gone 12 and I felt a bit embarrassed to say I wanted to hurry up and eat as I needed a sleep. Then he started calling some friends and then we went to another office to drink yet more tea and wait for them. Then four of us got in the car to drive to a new place we hadn't been to before. And I thought we would just walk to the nearby place as we used to do most of the previous years.

Some of the elders practising doubles

But it was good food and again we were in a private room. A lady I remembered from a couple of years ago joined us and we had a few beers too. Haiwei explained that he was cooking dog that night and invited me to come over to share it. How could I refuse? I didn't get back till getting on for 3pm and I was shattered so turned off the sound on my phone but put the alarm to 5pm as that's when Haiwei said he'd ring. And two hours later bang on cue he did. I was so grateful when he said there was some sort of change of plan and we'd eat at his and he'd call me at 6. Straight back to sleep for 60 minutes luxury before being called to come over to his place.

A quick shower and I walked to the vicinity of his office. From his instructions I knew there was a one in a thousand chance of me actually finding his house without 3rd party help, and this came in the shape of some bloke waving at me from the corner of the road opposite the Pingguo International Hotel after some 5 minutes waiting in the stuffy sun-baked early evening. Haiwei has bought a new house that is massive and covers two floors and is 248 metres squared. But it is in the process of being decorated so I had to walk up the six flights of stairs to his existing house. Once there thought it was extremely pleasant to sit down in the company of his family including two sons and eat not just dog but roast goose and lots of lovely greens too.

Haiwei's eldest son of 12, from another marriage, is learning English, and Haiwei was keen that I help him. So for an hour or so I received questions from him that he was reading from his phone. I made sure I asked him questions as well and for a Pingguonese he actually did pretty well. I think Haiwei was quite chuffed and I felt glad that in some way I had paid back for some of Haiwei's hospitality recently.

Haiwei was talking about his new house and I took the opportunity to ask if there were any other foreigners around in Pingguo. Everyone answered "yes" and I sort of wish I hadn't asked. I've had a recurring nightmare for the last few years, well more of an eveningfilly really, where I'm in Pingguo but there are mostly white people there and even the Chinese all speak English - a bit like a Costa del Sol street full of bars with people sitting outside with beers enjoying the sun. As I haven't seen any Westerners since being here I was hoping I was the only gay in the village again but I daresay those days have gone.

The beer was flowing very freely among the blokes left at the table and when Tan rang at 10pm I sort of used it as excuse to leave, so gave then a last gan bei and went on my way. I called Chuan Chuan as I hadn't seen the kids for a while and she said they were all on our road drinking whatever it is kids drink in the evening. I met up with them and was going to take them home when Tan turned up as A Xia had been driving past at that point and noticed us. For once, even seeing us, Leilei wanted to stay at Waipo's with Qiqi gege (Tan's second sister's son) and only Xixi wanted to come home with us. Fair enough, we took her home and showered off the sweat from the evening and she went peacefully to bed, as I nearly did while lying with her. It didn't take long before I was well and truly knocked out though.

Two lunches and two evening meals

The nice thing about waking up too early here is that there are things to do and places to go. Today was 6.30am so not as bad as yesterday. Tan and Leilei would not be up for hours so I had a quick bite to eat and a decaff again and set off for three hours of table tennis. I met some more people for the first time and had a great time catching up and showing how I'd improved. I think I actually beat a sexagenarian woman three games to one! I stopped off at A Wu's office at 11am on the way back and Tan and A Ni were there too so we had a few cups of tea together. Tan told me off for drinking tea without having had breakfast even though I'd had a small cube of sticky rice crispy cake at 7am. Tan and A Ni were going for brunch, even though they don't have a word for that in Chinese, so I showered and met up with A Wu a tad later for lunch.

Except before lunch he, A Ni, and I went to a shop underneath our block "Jun Lin Tian Xia" where three generations of a family were at the same time eating, babysitting and running the shop. The owner was feeding his father who is elderly and recently had a fall, while the mother was preparing some food for her few-month old daughter who was being looked after by the grandmother. A Wu brought a couple of melons and some more fruit as a present. I think it was a belated present for the "new" arrival. Normally there is a special feast to celebrate the baby's 100th day but apparently it wasn't that. The family took delight in the fact that I could speak a few words of Bangxunese and taught me how to say "smile" ("lou di") and suddenly, after no expression at all, the old man broke out into a smile himself! And this had the infectious effect of making everybody else smile and all was good for a while and I was told I could come back to learn some more Bangxunese. But by now I was hungry....

The cute baby daughter and her mum at the shop under our house where I learnt a little Bangxunese

To my minor delight we went to a cheap noodle place with no air-con where you sit on a dirty table and choose a couple of chopsticks from a cup (they are not even in individually wrapped pairs). The noodles with roast duck were delicious but I ate the meat first as A Wu had passed on some of his in order to attack the noodles. As I was about to make a start on the noodles, and as A Wu had just finished wolfing down his, he got a phone call and immediately told me to stop eating. It transpired that two Nanning people were in town now (that we should have met the other day) and we were to go to Li Jia He Xian for a formal meal with them. Ha! That will teach him to eat too quickly (I doubt).

So yet again we were in the premier restaurant. The two blokes were bank managers from Nanning and I didn't ask the specific purpose of their visit, though I did glean it was their first time in Pingguo and they were leaving after the meal. I also introduced myself to their driver, who was also sitting at the meal and he told me we'd already met twice before as I shook his hand. That's really embarrassing. I couldn't even rip out an excuse like his hair was different as I didn't know if I'd met him this year, last year or a decade ago so I just apologised and said "of course" as if that made it better.

The meal was excellent but unfinished after an hour. I sensed A Wu's conversation wasn't as flowing as usual and was punctuated with silences that I brought myself to fill with non work-related topics such as: how come they can't tell where I'm from by my accent? I mean I can tell the difference between a French and German speaking English but the amount of times I've been asked if I'm French or German it seems there is either a Chinese accent (of which there are many) or a foreign accent. Or more likely it's just that exposure to foreigners speaking Mandarin in this part of the world is so infrequent that people are unlikely to build up enough experience to be able to tell. Food for thought, but enough idle chatter. I was very tired now and as we left the restaurant to go to A Wu's office I said my farewells before a quick nip of G&T and a nice siesta. I'm down to one can of tonic water now and have scoured the supermarkets for any sign of fizzy water with no success still.

Tan called at 3pm just as I was opening the doors of the land of nod to tell me to close the windows in Xixi's room at there was a mighty storm. I'd totally missed the sound of that, partly, I expect, as a result of living in a place with constant noise 75% of the time. But Tan was right, I've never witnessed such a wind and the rain coming down in near horizontal stair rods. If I hadn't been half asleep I would have poured another G&T and enjoyed the display but Tan had also said that Lin Hong had invited us for a meal at Li Jia He Xian again so I really needed my beauty sleep.

Refreshed after a couple of hours of uninterrupted snoozing, I showered and walked over to Waipo's to see the kids for the first time in many hours. We all walked the three minutes to Li Jia He Xian at about 6pm for what must be our fourth or fifth meal there this week. There were about five people there when we arrived, and another eight or so came soon after and we had a really enjoyable time talking with many of Tan's ex-colleagues which made up somewhat for the other night when Tan was in Nanning. I did the rounds of gan bei'ing, firstly with Lin Hong as a thank you for inviting us for the meal. The kids ate ok too, before being whisked away after an hour or so.

Xixi showing a flowery carrot...

...and how it was made (a bit cheating if you ask me)

Nice meal with Tan's bank colleagues and a scary ghost that popped up

Earlier in the day I'd called Uncle Yellow and we agreed that I would call him around 9pm in the evening to meet up for the first time this year. But A Wu had also called me to go and eat with him and some friends on the river. So at 8.30 I left Lin Hong's meal and took a san lun che to Jiang Bing Lu, the road by the river that has lots of bbq places. I got off at the wrong end but it was a nice digestif to walk down the road until one of A Wu's friends came to meet me in the street. We walked down to a restaurant I really like on a boat on the river. The remnants of the meal were still there and I was warmly greeted by a dozen or so people including some women I gathered must be wives by their ages.

The perfunctory gan bei'ing began but I realised I'd already been through one lot at the previous meal a few minutes ago so I challenged them to cai ma, which was readily accepted. When I realised it was already 9pm I asked if it was ok to invite my mate down too, which of course it was. Uncle Yellow turned up 10 minutes later and we spent the next half an hour there chatting gaily. As I had invited Uncle Yellow to meet me rather than a load of other people, A Wu and I left for the guangchang with Uncle Yellow in hot pursuit in his micro yellow car. When we arrived A Wu said he had some matters to attend to at his office so I went to look for a table for some bbq but straight-away I was motioned towards another table where I saw Tan, A Ni and another friend who appears to have joined their group, presumably to replace Chen Mei who is now living in Nanning.

Uncle Yellow was arriving so I thought we might as well sit with the ladies as he knows Tan and A Ni anyway. It transpired he also knew the other girl too so we all shared some bbq while the boys shared some beer and had a pleasant night without going to excess. The owner of this bbq place had just opened up recently, and I think is the wife of the Police Treasurer, whose house we visited last year for a great home-made meal. She wouldn't let us pay at the end (would have been around 300 kuai I reckon), so I said farewell to Uncle Yellow and walked back home with Tan, remarkably hand-in-hand, which isn't something shown that much in public at least among our generation.

Table Tennis and KTV

I woke up at 6am and that was it, no getting back to sleep, so I made a decaff coffee and read the news for a bit and just watched the traffic outside at one of the most peaceful times of the day. I had pretty much decided it was pointless going back to bed now so thought what to do. Then it dawned on me that obviously I must go to the Old People's Leisure Centre to say hello to my friends again and get some table tennis in. I had had a bit of practice in the last few months so hopefully wouldn't be as rusty as previous years.

I got there pretty early at 7.30am but there were some familiar faces there that bade me come and play in the upstairs room that is normally reserved for the best players. It felt really really good to be back here, sweating buckets but holding my own better than previous years. The good players then came in to practise, and after watching for a bit I retired downstairs to the room with three tables and within a minute was whipped into a game. I can never understand if they mean best of five or first to five but this time three losses seemed to suffice. I say losses, but losing 11-7, 11-5, 11-7 is more of a moral victory for me. A sprightly old chap turned up, under five feet and skinny as a willow branch from which you would not swing, with sunken eyes but a smile that showed the sparkle of youth that did not go with his obvious advanced years. The others, mostly a generation below, were obviously respectful of him and told him to give the foreigner a game. I felt if I smashed the ball and hit him I would damage him but I needn't have worried. He was the epitome of brains over brawn and used the whole of the table with drop shots (that no-one does) and sharp angles that made me run more than with any other opponent. We didn't play for points, but had we done I don't think it would have been a moral victory. When, later, the others gleefully pointed out that he was 83 years old I genuinely don't think they were trying to rub it in, but they were just proud of counting him among them.

It was 10.30am by the time I left and I must have sweated a good deal more than the litre of water I'd taken with me. But this is sort of necessary when coupled with the food and drink intake of a typical evening here while in your first week back after a year.

I most certainly was zoning in on an early siesta but needed to eat lunch. I popped in to A Wu's office to see if he wanted to have something simple and he said yes but first needed to get some money from the bank. As I also needed to go to the police station to register our stay I went with si ji (driver) in the car while A Wu waited in the office. But first we had to go to the bank for something. I couldn't easily count the number of zeros on the withdrawal request but expected to need a suitcase to hold that amount of money in 100 kuai notes. But for the first time I found out this was a purely electronic transfer. I think it was about £100,000.

1 million kuai transfer (I've tried to pixelate any dangerous details)

Si ji at the VIP room making the Very Important transfer

We got to the police station before they stopped for lunch and the woman there remembered me and called another employee who knew how to use the computer to come around and help. Although the whole process took around 45 minutes it was made easier in that most of our details had been saved from last year. That didn't stop copious mistakes being made on Leilei and Xixi's papers though and reprints needed. In truth it might have been quicker for me to fill the forms in in Chinese as in previous years but I'm sure this process will become more streamlined in the future.

So, finally officially residing here, I got back to A Wu's office and the two of us went to a fairly simple place to eat aubergine and pork mince with rice and a fried egg. I got home around 2pm but fairly easily managed a siesta until A Wu called me again at 5pm to say we were going for a meal. I do miss having the dian dong che this year as it means I'm stuck with getting lifts with A Wu or taking a san lun che - nothing wrong with either except control. I asked A Ni and she said it was at her mum's house and available but I get the impression Tan doesn't want me riding it as it's old. I will find a way. Anyway we passed Boss Hu's office on the way to the restaurant and I suggested giving him a ring, which A Wu did and arranged for him to come too.

There were about 10 blokes and one woman waiting for us in the room and all greeted me with handshakes and looked quite excited at the prospect of eating with a foreigner. Than gan bei'ing started earlier than usual, before much of the food had been noshed. I did the rounds over the next half an hour and made sure I missed no-one out, even the two non-drinkers. Boss Hu was very embarrassed as he explained he had to stick to water as he was on medicine but that was no problem. The meal finished before 9pm and A Wu and I got into his car and drove back to near where we live. But we didn't stop there and instead went to the KTV. Ah - the first time this year. As he was the host we were the first there and ordered beer and bits to eat. The blokes from the meal then started to come in, and as usual some young ladies too.

Aluminium bosses and a lady and Boss Hu at another sumptuous meal before KTV

I went through my limited repertoire of You Are My Rose, and Friend to the delight of the others, and had plenty of gan beis before the night was over. I learnt later that the blokes were bosses from the aluminium company on the outskirts of town. I don't know what relationship they have with A Wu but he does seem to treat the slightly more menial workers well, if indeed they work for him.

Meal at Bak Sec Zhai's house

I woke up late at 9.30 with a bit of a head. But there was no time to worry about myself as Xixi had a temperature and wasn't looking her normal chirpy self. Normally we have tons of Calpol but this year we haven't brought any and Tan said she didn't trust the Chinese medicine. I did argue that it was only paracetamol and let Xixi have a couple of sips of my Lemsip.

I stayed with Xixi while Tan went out later in the morning and she eventually fell asleep holding me like a baby, and I managed to get some kip too until Tan came back to take her to Waipo's. She seemed a bit better and cooler after the rest. I went to A Wu's office where Tan and A Ni were drinking tea with A Wu's new secretary. I suspected a bit of jealousy as she is a rather pretty creature, and apparently she'd just finished her interview with A Wu with the girls in attendance. I suppose one of the important tasks is making tea and she seemed to manage that ok.

I'd been told we were going to Bak Sec Zhai's place overlooking the guangchang at 5.30pm but we didn't leave till 6pm. Although it would have taken under two minutes on foot we had to take the car. A Wu let me drive and it took me a little time to get used to the handbrake which was little more than a switch. It's also strange getting used to not trying to look out of the tiny slit at the back of the car that passes for a window and instead focus on the screen in the dashboard with a full colour picture of where you're driving together with projected trajectory based on how much you have turned the steering wheel. When we'd parked A Wu was concerned that we were close to an area of curb that had been lowered to allow bikes to gain access to the pavement, and that therefore it would be possible for such vehicles to scratch his car. So instead of moving somewhere else he just backed up the car even more to completely block off this entrance. I didn't try to argue.

I took it for a spin and it was remarkably easy to drive

Piggyback Chinese style on way to Bak Sec Zhai's

I greeted Bak Sec Zhai with a hug as we are quite good mates and I've known him for eight years or so. Leilei and A Da were also there but kept amused by the latter's ipad. I was asked to call and invite A Wu's elder sister's husband, Jie fu (literally elder sister's husband) who I also know well. So I did and asked him to come over straight away with his wife and he obliged almost as if he was expecting this.

The meal was all home made and mainly delicious, with his daughter and mother in attendance together with another friend, Jie fu and his wife, A Wu and A Ni, and the kids who barely ate anything. I was a little worried when Bak Sec Zhai produced a crate of beer and said no-one was going home before they were drunk. But I had a plan. I would use reverse psychology and actually drink quickly making him drunk and wanting to stop. Unfortunately it seemed he had the same plan and was also able to put it away with ease. So I had to change tactics half way through the meal and resort to playing cai ma as this normally slows me down. But A Wu challenged me and rather annoyingly won 80% of the time.

At one stage when the beer was flowing Bak Sec Zhai started talking about government officials and asked me if I wanted to be a politician. I didn't know where this came from so I opted to throw back the question to him. He said "no way" which was funny as I thought he already was. I then remembered the time in 2006 when I asked a question about politics at 2am to some drunken friends of A Wu's and they suddenly appeared to sober up in a second and say that they didn't talk about politics. So I used this to my advantage and in order to avoid possible embarrassment I said that we didn't talk about politics at meals and everyone seemed to heartily agree and have another round of gan bei. Lucky I didn't bring up religion....

I then learnt something new about Chinese drinking culture: you are not supposed to chink people's glasses holding yours in your left hand. I asked why and was told it was because it was awkward for the person on your left. Fair enough but what about, I asked, the person on your right? Oh it's ok to use the left hand for them. So it's not ok to use the left hand to chink the person on your left with your left hand but it is ok to chink the person on your right with your right hand. I realised I was looking in to things too deeply but was then told you should try to chink other people lower down on their glass than they do on yours. This makes for an interesting game when gan bei'ing as you try to chink them as low as possible before hitting the base of your glass on the table. Unfortunately while attempting this I managed to get my glass dirty by gan bei'ing above a dish of black pigs trotters or something similar. A Wu had a cheating way to "win" by using one hand to hold his opponent's arm up while chinking his glass. How come it took me 10 years to learn this? Luckily the boys had gone out with A Ni by now but we left around nineish anyway. At least Bak Sec Zhai got his way about no-one (no man at least) leaving sober.

We probably had some tea at A Wu's office to wile away some time before deciding to go to wash head. It was gone half 10 so I wasn't sure we'd find anywhere but of course we did and fell into that blissful 50 minutes I need to do more of here. They said we could have had longer if we'd come earlier but I wasn't complaining.

A bit sobererer, A Wu and I drove to some boss's office where we met Lu Wen for more beer and some bbq. A Wu left soon after midnight but they asked me to stay and I ended up getting a lift back after 1am in the boss's smart new Range Rover. Tan was asleep with Xixi so I didn't bother them and slept in Xixi's room and fell asleep just as England won the second game of the ashes.

Grapes and Flowers

I did wake up at 8.45am but for some reason I thought I was in Belgium so it must be 7.45am UK time, which didn't make any sense at all but it did make me think I had an hour in bed till we had to go grape picking. But half an hour later A Hua was on the blower telling me she was waiting downstairs in the car for Leilei and me. I made some half-arsed excuse about Belgium, realising it was poor, and promised to come down in five minutes. Which meant waking up Leilei who'd gone to sleep late and was in no mood to do so. But we managed to get up and have a bite to eat while A Hua called us a couple more times.

A convoy of two cars started off from our house at 9.30am and made the half an hour drive to a small patch of land by the side of what will be a road to Liuzhou in a couple of years time. Apparently A Hua had got there at 7am and had just come back to pick us up. There were a few kids in our group and we had some fun under the vines picking the grapes at nipple height (for me). This was certainly different from my grape picking experiences in France. It had looked like a scorcher and for the first time in years I actually put some sun tan lotion on myself as well as Leilei but from nowhere the heavens suddenly decided to open and deposit part of the reason the grapes here are so good. There was a panic to rush back to the cars and we left the owners of the land to finish off the picking. A couple of minutes later, back at the owners' place we weighed the two punnets of grapes and I have no idea what it came to but in price it was 360 kuai - about 40 quid - a bit pricier that I would have imagined. The owners very carefully put each bunch of grapes into a few cardboard boxes and then we drove to He Hua for lunch.

Grape picking Chinese style - the bags are to keep in moisture and protect from insects

He Hua has become a famous place in Pingguo as it has millions of river flowers (at least that is what He Hua means). People come from all around to walk among these flowers (in special walkways so as not to drown). A Hua knew the owner apparently so instead of having to leave the cars in the car park we were granted permission to drive right into the ranch, or whatever you call a river flower place. Lin Hong had said she would meet us there for lunch with Xixi but when I called her she said she'd not get there till 3pm. Fair enough. Lunch was relatively simple and even Leilei reached out to have some gno mi (sticky rice with meat) rather than having it forced upon him. It was accompanied by a few warm beers which didn't really go down that well after having spent all morning in the boot of the car. Also in the boot of this car was a crate of water bottles (quite normal) and a crate of small cans of Nescafe coffee. The kids seemed to enjoy these though I did tell them it wasn't a great idea.

Also at the meal I bumped into 2-1, one from a group of friends from two or three years ago who I hadn't seen for a while. He was working in the outdoor restaurant where we had our meal so I guess he somehow missed out on the riches that appear to have come across my other friends. But I got his new phone number and we agreed to meet up for a beer sometime soon.

After the meal we planned to walk among the flowers, but I didn't have a hat or umbrella and the early afternoon sun had burnt away the clouds to reveal scorchioness, so we all decided it would be better to take a couple of photos and get back. Phew. Leilei wanted Nong Kaicheng to come to our place and A Hua said it would be fine, so I said they could as long as they were not noisy as I needed a siesta. They were pretty good and played on the ipad and munched some crisps as I enjoyed a couple of hours of shuteye again.

Friends by the river flower place where it was rather warm

At 4.30pm Lin Hong called me to tell me we were going for a meal in one hour with ex-colleagues. Fair enough, nothing, it seems, is planned more than a quarter of a day away. Leilei and I showered and were ready for 5.30. Lin Hong arrived soon after six to pick us up and we stopped off at Waipo's to get Xixi. She was happy to see me and said goodbye to Chuan Chuan, who had taken her out last night.

Xixi showing how to break in to Waipo's apartment complex

The meal was at a restaurant I'd been to a few times before, near the complex with the olympic sized swimming pool. There was a wedding meal going on and a lot of people were waiting outside, but Xixi took away a lot of the attention before we went upstairs. I hadn't expected a huge room with four tables and about 50 people. I thought we'd gone to the wedding banquet by mistake. Tan reckoned she wouldn't be back till 8pm which was a pity as half the people here knew her from the bank. It all started tamely with some nice conversation at my table, which was almost exclusively female. But I knew after we'd had a bite to eat I'd be introduced to the other tables and sure enough after 15 minutes I was gan bei'ing with various heads of banks.

One of the bank managers I gan bei'd with

Thankfully, A Ni came to pick up the kids and take them out to play as they were getting bored and I don't blame them. So the adults continued to chat and gan bei for the next hour or so. I did manage to get home and let Leilei, Nong Kaicheng and A Da into the house when they called. Then I realised they had organised a sleepover unbeknown to me but why not indeed? Tan finally came back from Nanning at 11.30 which meant I could go for some bbq and beer with A Wu and another friend, which quite frankly I did not need. Getting back at 1.30am I thoughtfully slept in my study.

Three young men not even pretending to be asleep

What did you use to wash the kids?

It was very agreeable to have woken up at a normal hour, and it gave us time to sort out the rest of the clothes and wash some of the ones from last year that have become a little musty. A Da called and Leilei went out to play with him while Tan took Xixi to Waipo's. I hung up some clothes to dry and it dawned on me it's not been so exciting in a way. But in a good way, as here does feel like home now. We do similar stuff except eat out more and hang clothes in a different way, and probably a good deal of other non-similar stuff but the point is it doesn't feel like a holiday.

One of the first things Tan did when she got up was to go to our en suite bathroom and ask me what I used to wash the kids last night. This is difficult to answer if you know the tone of the question is accusing and you weren't able to read the label on the orange bottle the night before. It was too late to lie, not that I would anyway, and I admitted that whatever was in the orange bottle was used to clean our kids' hair and bodies last night. I got the look of scorn when she told me it was washing up liquid but even though she didn't show it I like to think she saw the funny side. At least that explains why it didn't lather up.

A Hua called me mid-morning to ask if I wanted to go grape picking tomorrow with her son and Leilei and other friends. My initial reaction was to say no as I wanted to be free to sleep, but it's wrong to turn down a new experience so after she said we'd go at 12 midday I was fine. 30 minutes later I got a call from Tan saying that A Hua had decided to leave at 9am instead of 12pm. Had I known I would not have agreed to go; I am jetlagged and changing such a time is a big deal. Anyway I still agreed to go.

A Wu rang in the late morning to tell me we were going for lunch. I went to his office and proceeded to drink tea with him and a couple of bosses for half an hour or so as you do. Then we went for a meal at a restaurant that belongs to one of the bosses, Boss Shao. The five of us only got through six cans of beer during the whole meal but I still began to feel woozy. So much so that back home I barely managed 15 minutes before I was in the arms of Morpheus once again for a three hour siesta.

View from our house 2013

I got a phone call at 5pm from A Ni telling me to come to A Wu's office, from where we'd go to eat. I said I'd be there by six and I got there at five past but it was all closed up. Then Tan rang to say they couldn't wait so had gone, but they would pick me up. I found it a little hard to believe but A Ni turned up in A Wu's black Toyota from last year and I was about to get in the passenger's seat when I noticed it was taken. I got in the back and the woman in the passenger seat turned around and it took me a second to realise it was Tan with her new hairdo from Lao Ma. It actually looks ok.

We were on our way to the restaurant when A Ni changed her mind and decided to go to buy some fruit. A couple of minutes later we were at the market trying long yan and grapes. One of the market stall ladies reminded me that some time ago I'd promised to print out a picture from 2003 with her in it. Er, well I showed it to her on my phone and she pointed herself out and I bought myself some time by saying that she hadn't changed a bit. But I will need to make a few prints in the coming days.

We went to the sumptuous meal where there were a couple of other people too that we didn't know. But that soon changed as we tucked in. Xixi was at Waipo's house and at 8pm Tan got a call saying she was missing baba and wanted me to take her home. I was happy to do this and made a last gan bei to all in the room, but just as I was about to leave Tan got another phone call saying Xixi had fallen asleep. So I stayed a little longer, but then took Leilei home for a shower and bedtime. It seems that "shi cha" (jetlag) has been almost a non-factor here so far, however Leilei didn't sleep till gone 11pm, at which time Tan finally came back from having a massage or similar with A Ni. Then she did some sort of honey facemask and I helped hold her ipad up while she watched Korean films as it dried. But it was worth it.

Back to China for the 10th time

It wasn't that much of a problem getting to Gatwick, even if I did have to pick up my undelivered package of a bluetooth headset from Eltham Post Office on the way there. We lost half an hour to traffic jams we should have known about but arrived at 11.15 for our 13.15 flight. Unlike last year at Heathrow there was no queue for check-in. The bloke just said they were quicker than the rest. I didn't quite believe that and secretly hoped for a half-empty flight.

The lounge made a big difference. The kids had some fizzy drinks and stuck around me as I caught up on an hour's work with maybe a swift G&T, looking nonchalantly at the chavs around the table close to me filled with beer bottles. The riffraff they allow in these days....

Tan had spent all this time shopping and as she got to the lounge for a bite to eat I left to get some duty free myself. But it was already time to go to the gate so I very quickly grabbed four bottles of whatever and 400 Marlboro for £141 and paid and caught up with the others.

The flight was gratefully uneventful if lacking in sleep, including the kids. And the film selection was atrocious; I couldn't get through the latest Die Hard film and ended up watching an American documentary on the building of St. Paul's. It was quite interesting but I couldn't help wondering how much was made up. I would like to visit more now though.

Once on the ground at Beijing the ladies went to the toilet. This was annoying as it meant we joined the immigration queue at the end. In fact it was so long that we joined at one end of a horseshoe shape. There was a sudden panic and a rush towards us and I realised quickly that one more immigration desk had opened. Aware that I was in China I went with the flow and we found ourselves not far back in the queue for the second desk. Although this queue-disrespecting was something I considered typically Chinese I had to remember we were in the foreigners' queue, so they must have been mostly French. Then another desk opened and I did a French-style nip to this queue and we were out 15 minutes later.

Aahh...how nice it was to grab a shower in the lounge at the airport. As it was before 8am I was in no mood for a beer but I did notice cans of tonic water in the fridge. Over the course of the next three hours or so I made a few trips to this fridge and ended up with five cans in my hand luggage!

The first ever tonic export to Pingguo

I found out to my dismay that my phone number for the last two years wasn't working, so I called Ling Ming via Skype and asked him to top me up. Half an hour later I got a call back from him on my phone so was relieved that it was just a question of putting in some cash. On the other hand, Tan's number, for a reason I don't yet understand, has well and truly gone and she'll need to get a new one in Pingguo.

I still hadn't got any sleep and was really feeling weird. In the toilet I got headspins and could hardly stand up straight. I think it was to do with the background noise, which sounded rather like being in an aeroplane. As much as I wanted to sleep I had to finish off a couple of things for work and then it was time to go to our gate to board.

As soon as we were above the clouds we got the typical turbulence that seems to accompany most internal Chinese flights. Although I seemed to be the only foreigner on the flight the announcements were all duplicated in English. The woman's voice said "We are experiencing turbulence in this ascent. Seatbelts...". I was ok with this as it seemed that it was normal while we were gaining altitude. This notice came again and again, but I was so tired I barely had the effort to be afraid. Looking around, all but one person were asleep even though it was only just gone midday. I just relaxed my body as much as I could and went with the bumps. I remembered my trick of last year and closed my eyes and counted each breath in German. I got up to 60, and then got stuck in a rut not managing to reach 70, and then forgetting where I was and starting back at 60 again.

Then came the voice again telling us that we were experiencing turbulence during the ascent, and as I knew we must be well into the flight I worked out that we could not be still ascending and it dawned on me she was saying "We are experiencing turbulence, please fasten seat belts". In fact we were by now 40 minutes away from Nanning on this 3h20m flight, so my sojourn from 60 to 70 in German must have taken me to the land of nod for an hour or so. Unfortunately the rest of the trip to 100 did not bring further shuteye, though Leilei slept the whole journey. It's nice touching down at Nanning as it has a longer-than-average runway, and you know you're on a Chinese domestic flight when your hear the seat belt buckles being undone before the front wheels are down and the chimes of booting up phones seconds later.

Lin Hong was waiting for us at the airport and I bade Tan and the weary kids go to them while I waited for the luggage. A Wu, A Ni, and A Da arrived 15 minutes later and we greeted them with big hugs. A Wu now has a grand BMW X6, which looks like a sports car stretched on the y axis, though it was able to fit two of our suitcases, the rest going in Lin Hong's black Honda. A Wu has a new driver this year (he still doesn't have a licence) who is also known as Tan.

All aboard A Wu's new X6

The drive back was pretty comfortable, though with a bit less of the sound of the grooves of the road emanating within the cabin in a melodic fashion as is normally the case. Normally we'd have gone straight home for a shower before eating but this time we ordered some food on the phone and at 5pm we arrived at Li Jia He Xian for a feast, including my favourite black boiled eggs and roast goose. Tan's new SIM card arrived during the meal but it was rather useless as someone had forgotten to mention she needed a micro-SIM.

After the meal we went home for the first time in over 10 months to find it pretty clean as Ling Ming had sorted things before he left (this year he won't be sharing the place with us and will move back when we're gone until his house is finished). After dumping the luggage we went to A Wu's new office, now situated opposite the guangchang and under a minute's walk from our place.

Leilei went to play with A Da (I was afraid A Da wouldn't be interested as he's now broken his voice, but the two still seem good mates) and Tan went with her mates. A Wu had already unwrapped all the booze and fags and assumed it upon one of his shelves. In my rush at the airport I picked up a litre of Bombay Sapphire, not remembering that I had bought him one in the recent years, so now he has two. But I had to take 200 Marlboro back as Tan needed them as a present and he didn't seem to mind.

Xixi and I went back to the house and sorted out most of the luggage that wasn't mine and I grabbed a shower and change of clothes before we popped out to see if we could cut Tan's SIM. The official China Telecom shop couldn't do it for us but a few yards further we popped in to their rivals China Unicom (not the People's Telecom of China) and I recognised the bloke from last year. I explained it was a bit rude to ask him to cut a SIM from another provider but he was totally fine about it as he was an ex-colleague of Tan's.

Then as we were on our way to A Xia's shop to drop off Tan's phone with her new number working I realised I was no longer holding the fags and neither was Xixi. They weren't in the China Unicom shop but as soon as we walked back into the China Telecom shop the young lady reached under her desk in expectation of our reappearance and produced the pack. I thanked her very much but was not in the least surprised as that sort of honesty seems the total norm here.

Five minutes later Xixi and I went to the jewellery shop and I got the neckband thing for my jade pig changed as I do on an annual basis here. 5 kuai this year, 1 kuai cheaper than last, though probably the only thing that will be.

I'd had forty winks on the car journey from Nanning but was getting really shattered now. I told myself I would stay up and have a normal bedtime, so rang Yang Haiwei, my friend and table tennis partner of the last few years, and agreed to meet him for a little barbeque around 10pm. Xixi and I took a san lun che to the guangchang (now 4 kuai - one more than before) and had a nice walk and fed the carp before heading to the bbq where I met Haiwei's tall wife and son with a hug and the inevitable comment on how big he was (the son). A sweaty Leilei joined us from A Wu's office, and Haiwei eventually came too. I was nearly dropping off so kept it to just a couple of beers and duck tongues and lamb before leaving at 11.30 to shower the kids.

I would have gone straight to bed myself but needed to take out some of my clothes. Damn, Tan was right, I had brought far too many, but worse than that, something had leaked from my bag of toiletries and had left sticky purple stains all over the bottom of my new light grey suit. I rinsed what I could from the suit and hung it up to dry while I cleaned the rest of the toiletries until I found the culprit: a bottle of "Excite" Lynx shower gel I wish I'd never packed, not least because we normally have plenty of that stuff anyway.

At least I thought we did. When I showered the kids all I found in the bathroom was a bottle of orangy clear liquid. Still, as Andge says, "it's all soap", so I used it to wash their hair and bodies but it didn't make much of a lather.

Of course once in bed I found it difficult to sleep but not something my first ever gin and tonic in Pingguo could not cure, together with ein, swei, drei....

...until Leilei walked in to our room at 1.30 and I took him back to his room and fell asleep with him till 4.30. I worried I might not get back to sleep as I got back into our bed but I needn't have and woke up again at 8am.