Back from Baise to massage then nightclub

Everyday had been supposed to be the last day in Baise according to Tan, but today really was. Had a lie in till 8am then got delivered breakfast in the form of dumplings. As I was digesting them we went out for lunch. It was baking hot yet Leilei decided to play in the sun. Eventually we got him a balloon and he agreed to enter the restaurant, where we met up with the hotel owner’s daughter and son (the daughter is older, by four years) and a couple of other people. Had a really good meal, then a taxi turned up to take us back to the hotel and then back to Pingguo.

Apparently there were no train tickets available till 7^th October but I don’t believe that. I think they just liked to pay for the more expensive taxi like they paid for just about everything else including food and clothes.

In the evening we went for a massage for the third time in the last month. It is an hour of full body massage from head to toes, and usually women do blokes and vice versa. They really work hard on loosening your bones, although I couldn’t relax my neck muscles enough to have them crack.

This is what it feels like to have a woman walk over you (Xiao Li in foreground)

One of the best although more painful parts is when they walk on your back and legs; they have sort of parallel bars fixed to the ceiling so they don’t always put their whole weight on you.

She's enjoying it more than me



It's more comfortable than it looks

Leilei was with aunty Lin Hong who then rang to say she was taking him to the nightclub while Tan and Xiao Wei had their massages. So Xiao Li and I took a three wheel cab (they’re all red motorbike fronts attached to what looks a bit like a rickshaw behind) to some dodgy looking disco place where we discovered Leilei and aunty Lin Hong hadn’t yet turned up.

We met Tan’s pretty cousin who either has unfeasibly large pupils or is on drugs, who invited us in. The main bar was trembling to the beat of the crap music, and on the wall they beamed film of what looked like lingerie adverts from the 80s with slightly podgy Western women (by today’s model standards). Interestingly no-one was dancing, although I didn’t see a dance floor either; people were sat around tables drinking beer and eating nuts and pig penises.

I sat down with a group of her friends and was offered a tiny glass of 2.8% beer, which they already seemed to be drunk on (or it was drugs). I noticed that the three girls other than the cousin were quite dressed up while the blokes were in dirty tee shirts and weren’t particularly good looking. Then I noticed that the women all had badges on with numbers, rather like the waitresses in restaurants. They were smiling and playing dice games with the blokes and talking to them. I kept being offered drinks and cigarettes, but wasn’t particularly comfortable as I couldn’t work out if they were prostitutes or not. I suspect they were more like cheap Geisha’s employed to keep the men there spending money.

I certainly didn’t think this was the place for a one and a half year old, but I hadn’t realised that they had karaoke rooms upstairs so we went there where we met some more friends and sang till gone midnight as Leilei still hadn’t gone to sleep.

Leilei picking up nasty habits while daddy's head is turned

When we got back I had a couple of real beers before retiring and resolved never to return to that place (not with Leilei, anyway).

Beer for breakfast and rusty children's "paradise"

Up at 8 for a change and had breakfast on the roof of the hotel with the leftovers from last night’s meal…I think there was enough for a week of breakfasts. I even accepted a can of beer as I’ve not really had beer for breakfast before and I think it’s good to be decadent once in a while. Then the hotel owner and her husband, Tan’s sister and her husband (who arrived last night), Tan and baby and I drove to a dam a few miles outside Baise. It was actually quite pretty – but most of the scenery in Guangxi province is quite beautiful anyway. There was a children’s area called Children’s Paradise full of very rusty apparatus, which would get a thumbs down, by Health and Safety if China had such a thing.

Horrid rusty "Children's Paradise".

I don't think they employed a professional translator.

We bumped into Tan's brother's wife's brother and his wife and son. Family everywhere!

Had a nice meal by the lake that the dammed river runs into. One thing I have become partial to in Baise is fried bee cocoons. I’m not sure if that’s what they are, but they are the things baby bees are in before they hatch – and the best ones are the ones that were in the process of hatching when cooked (nice and crunchy). Apparently they are very good for your health too!

Beelicious!

Leilei enjoying sweetcorn soup from a straw - sometimes it's the only way to get him to eat.

Got back and had a poo and went to sleep for a bit with Leilei before being whisked away again for a lovely meal in another private room in another restaurant. I chose some locally brewed beer and the blokes who wouldn’t normally have gone for this (cheapish) choice both really enjoyed it and said it was refreshing. I said I chose it because I like to help the local economy, though I’m not sure that got me any brownie points. Leilei was very awake and quite annoying when Qi qi was eating so I took him out for a walk and to dazzle the copious young ladies waiting on us. He had just learned to say xie xie (thank you) and was busy showing off. He can now say “thank you daddy/mummy/brother” in Mandarin much to the pleasure of his proud parents. But his party trick is saying “bye bye” (the same in both languages) and blowing kisses to the pretty girls, which kills them.

After the meal we went shopping and got some nice shoes for Leilei that light up when you walk, while he did some more lady killing. Almost without exception every woman he passes turns around and says something like hao ke ai de (how lovely) and many take pictures of him with their camera phones. He steals all of the attention from me!

Leilei chatting up a pretty girl.

Baise breakfast and another raised toilet seat

Woke up after 5 hours’ sleep at 8am. Felt a bit groggy but changed Leilei then we went to a hotel at about 9.30am to have breakfast. Lots of it. The fried dumplings were particularly good, as was the tea – a blend of logan and red date and something else that was most refreshing.

Various cousins and friends turned up throughout the meal, as is becoming the norm, each of whom tried to get me to eat more and more.

I hadn’t been for a poo since arriving in Baise. It wasn’t that I didn’t need to, only I can’t do it while crouching. The first time I stayed in Guangxi three years ago Tan’s mum had to go out and buy a special raised seat that is usually used for the infirm after I hadn’t gone for over a week. The last time I came to Pingguo our friends, who had built a new house where we were staying, had installed a Western style toilet especially for me. So I asked Tan if she could go and get me one from Baise. She laughed (heartless woman) which made the other women ask what she was laughing about. Before I knew it they were all in hysterics about my aversion to crouching, and started telling stories about how when they went to a western toilet they couldn’t go and ended up crouching on the seat! I suppose it is a bit funny really when you picture it – it’s just that it’s not the usual topic of conversation around an English breakfast table.

After all that talk about poo poo problems Tan's sister looked like she needed to go herself...(she's the one on the left, the other is a friend)

I was stuffed and spent a lot of time playing with Leilei and Qi qi outside. Tan’s sister’s daughter had also turned up after having had to study till 10.30pm the night before. She is called Chuan chuan and is older than Qi qi (and from another marriage).

Chuan chuan and Tan. Spot the family resemblance.

Apparently if you are from the country and your first child is a girl, you are allowed to have a second child four years later. Additionally if your first child is handicapped you can also have a second one. How nice. I think it’s really all to do with the son staying at home to look after the parents when they get old – so a son is like a kind of pension whereas a daughter will just get wed and go away.

Brought Leilei back to the hotel by 12 and we both fell asleep while mama and her sister went to buy jade and clothes and get their face washed. Three hours later they were back and telling us Chuan chuan and Qi qi were waiting for us to go and eat. As it transpired, they weren’t…we went boring clothes shopping until I took Leilei and Qi qi to the park to alleviate their boredom. I had to call Tan to come and help us when they both became too annoying. We then made a move back to the hotel, where Leilei fell asleep again.

At least Tan had bought a raised toilet seat, having had to search all over town to find one, so I got some relief and was able to eat later.

We were supposed to go for a meal with Tan’s friend Li Quan, but then Tan’s sister rang to say she’d booked a table at a posh restaurant for us that evening. Then we heard that the hotel owner had already cooked for us – dumplings and all. In the end we had to blow out Li Quan and Tan’s sister, who came to the meal at the hotel. It was actually extremely good with turtle soup, prawns, bbq pork, duck etc….

At 8.30 Tan’s friend since childhood came round with her nine-year-old daughter. She is slim and tall and has short hair (the mother). She booked us a room in a KTV place (i.e. a karaoke room) where we all went after the meal. Leilei and Qi qi loved it, running around the place like kids in a karaoke bar. Leilei’s dad tried to get drunk on tiny glasses on beer and would have succeeded if it wasn’t for having to sing Sounds of Silence twice and Ni shi Wo de Mei Gui Hua again.

More people came during the evening, and whenever they sang they seemed to be very drunk although they weren’t. According to Tan it’s a kind of relief. Lord knows what they did before Karaoke….

Luckily you can't hear photos.

Got home after midnight and I watched the last ten minutes of Spurs beating Portsmouth on the telly before getting my laptop from the reception and writing this diary.

Train to Baise

Took the midday train to Baise to see Tan’s elder sister and other cousins. We were going to take a taxi but I said not to as I don’t trust the roads – especially taxi drivers who are only interested in doing the work as quickly as possible in order to get back and make more money. Anyway, the train is nearly an hour quicker and 10 times cheaper.

What we hadn’t counted on was how crowded it was; hundreds of students coming home from Nanning for the holiday season. October 1st is China’s national day, with October 6th being the moon festival this year – basically meaning the whole country is on holiday for a week. It took 15 minutes before some kid finally let me sit down (I was holding Leilei). Thankfully half way through enough people got off to allow us all to sit down, where Leilei was cooed over by the young female students (lucky git).

The ticket inspectors came (actually they were police), and told us we should have gone to the “comfortable” class car instead of the cheap one. Unfortunately to get there we would have had to pass through another seven cars filled up with people like cattle with all our luggage and a push chair. I said we’d be fine here – at least it was air-conditioned.

Upon arrival at Baise, we were met by Tan’s sister’s friend, who conveniently owns a hotel in the centre. Baise is like a county capital and a couple of times bigger than Pingguo. The people aren’t as nice, and they speak quite a lot of Cantonese there. The hotel owner’s brother-in-law accompanied us on the drive to the hotel. He is an English teacher, or at least claims to be. I couldn’t make out a lot of what he said, possibly down to a strange growth sideways over the front of his other top front teeth, and he understood less of what I had to say. However I did gather that the next day he would be going to Nanning to translate for some South American who was flying over to marry the English teacher’s classmate (maybe he meant colleague). God knows what the South American is going to be told.

Had a small meal at the hotel owner’s before having a shower and going for a walk with Tan’s sister. Half an hour later she disappeared to collect money from the casino she part owns (I gather). Apparently if she didn’t go on time she wouldn’t get the money which sounds strange. Anyway, she didn’t get back within the half hour she said, which made Tan angry, so back at the hotel she decided she wanted to go back that evening. In fact she was adamant, but I wasn’t having any of that and said we were at least staying one night here after that journey.

Then a cousin (I think it was an aunt) turned up at the hotel (they have a habit of doing that) and we soon found ourselves in a taxi looking for a place to eat. Tan was refusing to accept calls from her sister (fractious women can be so babyish). We arrived at a clean looking hotel (in fact it was only a restaurant but many like to call themselves hotels) and ordered our food. Minutes later both women were complaining that the food wasn’t ready. In fact they seemed to be moaning more than was necessary, but this appears to be normal here when in a restaurant – I think it’s just a way of showing off. Anyway, the food came and it was lovely. Then Tan’s sister and her son came and joined us, so there must have been some sort of communication going on.

We moved to a bigger table to accommodate the larger number of people, and the women set about complaining again to the staff (as per most restaurants, mostly female, dressed in lovely traditional green dresses, and far, far more of them than was necessary – I counted seven not including the beer server!). Tan’s sister (yes I’ve forgotten her name) even cancelled an order after it hadn’t arrived in 5 minutes.

Later we went for a walk in the park, which is huge. As it was holiday season there were various attractions for the kiddies. Leilei loved going on the cars – I had to let him go twice as he wouldn’t let me take him out after the first ride. I was with Leilei and Tan’s sister’s son (Qi qi) and the cousin while Tan was out shopping with her sister.

Leilei's favourite word is "car!"


He was only looking moody because he knew I was coming to take him off.


Back at the hotel a few more ladies came to Tan’s sister’s room, which was next to ours. These were friends I think, or maybe cousins, and mainly wanted to see Leilei. That suited me, as I went to the reception and picked up a couple of bottles of beer for 40p (expensive!) and settled down to watch the football which I did till 1am when a fault developed with the satellite and all they had was one shitty film with a pouting actress who looked like the one who played Lara Croft. Could have been worse I suppose.

Fixing a government official's satellite dish and going to Deng Xiao Ping museum

We went out in the morning to play table tennis but it was so hot Xiao Li gave up after three games and we went to play badminton. During badminton he received a phone call and said we were going to Baise where his brother-in-law would fix a government official’s satellite dish.

So one hour later we were in Xiao Li’s brother-in-law’s car for the two hour drive to Baise, where he duly fixed a satellite dish while we went our with some friends to visit the Deng Xiao Ping museum which was quite interesting.

Sitting at Deng Xiao Ping's desk from when he stayed in Baise 80 years ago.

With Xiao Li's sister and another mate in the museum - they wanted me to stand on a lower step!

At the war memorial - we all had a go on the gong which was surprisingly quiet


Later of course we went for a meal in a nice restaurant with the government official and some of his friends/business partners. We drank quite a lot of 3.1% beer in tiny glasses and some of them got quite drunk (can’t imagine how they’d cope in an English pub with pints of 5% Stella!). They thought it was great and very funny that I could say “My wife is from Bangxu” in Bangxu language, which bears hardly any resemblance to Mandarin: Shao ya ngou nduk wen Bang Hee instead of Wo lao po shi Bang xu ren.

One of very many toasts - not surprisingly you always down in one.

Iron ore

In the morning Xiao Li’s business partner took Xiao Li and me to the mountains on the outskirts of town where they have their iron ore place. We drove up a very stony road that had me fearing our small van would tip over or just die, until we reached a large deposit of red earth that contained the said iron ore. A few minutes later a man arrived from higher up the road on a motorbike and Xiao Li and I both climbed aboard. A few yards later we had to stop as the bike just wouldn’t take three men over such an uneven and stony surface. So Xiao Li went and I stayed behind with the business parter.

I learned that he is the boss of an iron ore extraction company (I have no idea what Xiao Li is) and that Xiao Li was going to inspect where they actually dig out the iron ore from. Every day lorries drive up to that place to be loaded with the earth that they have got from the mountainside by using explosives. The lorries then drive down to the place where we were standing and unload the earth, where it is then washed using pressurised water drawn from a nearby lake, leaving just the iron ore. Then this iron ore is taken down the rest of the mountain and sold to local factories.

A load of iron ore waiting to be washed.

The boss told me he makes 100,000 kuai a month from this, which is about £65000. I found it hard to believe and asked him how many men he employed – he said five. He hires the lorries and they get about ten tons of iron ore a day apparently. And of course there’s no factory to maintain – everything’s there on the mountain. He just sits at home and counts the money most of the time.

More night-time ping pong

It's nice to be back in Pingguo where at least they have electricity during the day. I've been playing a bit of table tennis recently at the table in the main square. This square is huge and has a great fountain and lights display some nights. Every night there is lots of dancing going on of various types. People just bring a couple of disco-sized speakers, hook them up to the mains and blast out music and start dancing. Then more and more people join in until you have up to 15 fairly well ordered rows of people following the moves of the people in front. It can start out pretty ungainly but as they learn the moves it can look quite good later on.

It looks to be about 80% women, understandably (even when the dancing is ballroom type), and a great many from the older generation. It’s a great form of exercise and is one of the reasons the Chinese are often so supple (well the women anyway).

Interspersed throughout the square you can see a few Karaoke places too. This gives you the opportunity to show the world how bad you really are at singing. No I didn’t. Understandably, this was almost uniquely populated with men.

But on to the table tennis. The Chinese all know how to play, and they all spin the ball and hold the bat like a pen (well most do). It’s quite disconcerting at first, but you can learn to read the spin and start to beat them at their own game. The problem was that we generally go at night, and the lighting is vastly insufficient for a game that relies on fast reflexes and good hand-eye coordination. One of the sides of the table was so dark it was twice as hard as the other to play on. But strangely I found after a while I could sense where the ball was and play reasonably well even when I could barely see the ball. I know how Luke Skywalker must have felt when he first felt the Force.

I’ve finally realised why I couldn’t keep track of the score before – the Chinese say the number of points against you, so if I’m beating Xiao Li 7-5 they would say it was 5-7 to me. Weird, especially as they couldn’t understand the English way – it seemed to really confuse them even though they score the normal way in badminton. I can’t get my head around how the Chinese can be so clever at the same time as being so illogical (though this is just to my mind...there is likely good reasoning behind it).

Snake and wild bird soup with red wine mixed with lemonade

Woke up at 11.30am and immediately had to go for lunch downstairs. I was quite hungover and didn’t really feel like it but made the effort. Xiao Li got me to have a glass of beer…looks like they also have the hair of the dog…well it did the job and a bottle later I’d survived the meal, then went straight back to bed and didn’t surface until 5.30pm

After we had finished our meal Xiao Li and I went out to play table tennis in the dark again. On the way we stopped off at some friends who own a computer shop. We went upstairs where they were having a meal that included a very nice snake and wild bird soup. Naturally we joined in and before I knew it I was being handed a cup of bai jiu – white alcohol; it’s not literally alcohol but it is pretty strong. I managed one glass and respectfully refused any more, at which they poured me some red wine…oh dear…except this time they added lemonade which made for a very drinkable red shandy. About an hour later we left with the boss and his wife and really did play table tennis.

Horse Boss's wife and Horse Boss himself about to engage in night-time ping pong

On the way back from table tennis we stopped off at the bbq to get some food for the ladies. Before we knew it we bumped into some friends and not long later we were eating again and playing drinking games. There was a girl there who worked in a hotel where we’d been eating a week or so back and she said she’d be able to get me some beer advert posters to take back to the UK. She was wearing a top that said “wear juicy” which I found quite amusing.

Wear juicy

She might also be able to get one of the Li Quan tops the beers servers wear. They are very pretty slightly figure-hugging white and green tops adorned with the Li Quan logo. I would love Tan to wear one and serve me beer at home but I might as well wish for Tony Blair to be voted the next president of China. Or indeed anyone to be voted the next president of China.

As we left the bbq a couple of Xiao Li’s mates turned up in their cars. Apparently we were to go somewhere with them and that girl. I stamped my authority and told them that we were taking food home to our women, so we did. Without the girl. Back home the two blokes came in – one of them was the son of the leader of Pingguo – to drink tea. Well, we did drink tea, plus nine bottles of beer, till 3am.

Xiao Li, me, two government officials, Lu Wen

A funny thing happened around 2am though. I don't recall the context but I innocently brought up the subject of politics. That was it. I merely mentioned the word. What had hithertothen been a relatively raucous group of individuals immediately turned into the most sober beings on the planet and calmly said, nearly in unison, that we don't talk about politics here (here in China?). No explanation, nothing. And then just like that the smiles and laughter returned and we were back to where we were seconds before. That will stay with me forever. It's just part of life that doesn't exist here, like a lack of a limb. It barely bothers me at all...it's not a million miles away from families that don't talk about politics, or religion, or whatever other subject, except that here the "family" seems to be about every citizen who is not a government official.

Lots of watching footy but at least City won!

Just remember I watched three games of Premier League football back to back and drank a few beers. Most importantly Man City won (2-0 against West Ham) for the first time in ages.

Beautiful Bangxu but not that much to do

Spent only three days in Bangxu as there wasn’t that much to do really. I went out Wednesday afternoon for a walk in the sun (which wasn’t a good idea when wearing jeans). There was some really beautiful scenery just outside the village that no-one thinks to tell you about because it’s just there.

Leilei spent a lot of time playing outside and didn't need mama and baba around him all the time. The neighbours are sort of used to us now but you still can't take Leilei out without causing all the women to break out into huge smiles displaying awkwardly fitting teeth of various colours.

A few photos from Bangxu below:

Leilei with some ladies.


Pretty babies!


Where I went on my walk.


I met some men fishing on my walk and joined them. Unfortunately I didn't catch any but they did, and invited me back for an evening meal. I had to turn them down as I'd already been invited elsewhere. That bull looked like he didn't want to let me pass, but I grabbed the bull by the horns (figuratively, I admit), and strode past and he didn't bat an eyelid.

Bangxu is where Tan’s mum lives, and where Tan spent most of her youth. It is a small market town about 2 hours drive north of Pingguo (although it is in Pingguo county), and situated, as most towns are, in the midst of some beautiful mountains. Leilei enjoyed it very much as he was free to roam around outside the house, much to the delight of the passing school children. Four times a day there were a bunch of 5 - 10 year-olds hovering about outside the house to get glimpse of Leilei…sometimes he would come out and play with them which really made their day!

Kids loitering outside Tan's mum's house to get a glimpse of Leilei.

"Safe" drive back to Bangxu

Took a taxi to Tan’s mum’s village, Bangxu (a small market town) in the afternoon.

Thankfully the taxi driver was a friend and drove with relative care. Of course this only halves the chances of having a crash as you regularly see horrendous overtaking manoeuvres, often by coaches and lorries around blind corners. I’m sure it’s like this in other countries too, but it makes French and Spanish drivers look courteous. This is one of the facets I don’t like about countries that believe in ‘fate’. What a load of bollocks. They don’t have religion so I suppose they have to explain things they don’t expect or understand in some way. It was ‘fate’ that I met Tan, ‘fate’ that we had a son blah blah blah….

We plan to spend a week in Bangxu and see relatives.

Badminton and sumptuous meals

Played badminton on court in morning with Xiao Li. 12 kuai per hour isn’t bad, although the courts weren’t air-conditioned. Xiao Li is pretty good but I think I was better. He didn’t even know the rules and just thought you served whenever you had the shuttlecock in your hand. Xiao Li has been trying to learn English since I’ve been here. Unfortunately he spends an incomprehensible amount of time trying to learn words that won’t help him much instead of useful ones like “the”. “Shuttlecock” is an example of one of those words. I won’t try to write the stuff that he came out with while trying that one.

When Xiao Li was too tired, I played a pretty girl in short shorts who worked there. She called me a hui ren (bad person) because I made her run around the court so much. Well she should have been better as she worked there.

Pretty girl with nice shorts playing badminton with Xiao Li.

Met up with Lin Hong, her husband and daughter and best friend, plus Xiao Wei and son for another meal in the MingDu hotel. We had our own private room with sofa and tv and loo, as well as a luxurious spinning table and our own young ladies to serve us. The entrance to the hotel says “Smart Dress Only” (in English as well as Chinese), but they didn’t seem to have any problem with Xiao Li and me coming in in our sweaty England tops and shorts after the badminton.

The meal was paid for by Lin Hong’s husband, whose job is to drive the top cheese in Pingguo around. This means that when he’s not doing this he drives the best car in the county – a huge shiny black Toyota Prado Landcruiser, fully loaded. It’s nicer than any car I’ve been in in the UK. When I say the meal was paid for by this bloke, I mean he signed the leader’s name on the bill – apparently this is ok as long as you are entertaining important guests (even if they are sweaty and dressed in sports gear).

Another nice meal. Lin Hong's husband is about the only one looking at the camera.

In the evening we had a similar meal to lunch, except that it was hosted by Tan’s ex-manager from when she worked in the bank about 7 years ago. He also had a magic signature that meant the local government paid for the meal. The food, like every meal was delicious and varied. I don’t think I’ve ever had the same dish twice since I’ve been here, although I can’t say the same about the beer.

"Breakfast" at Mingdu hotel

Went for “breakfast” in the posh Pingguo MingDu hotel with Lin Hong and her daughter. The deal is this: you pay 10 kuai (about 70p) and you can eat as much as you like from a buffet that has a very good range of food – but the catch is that you can’t take any home with you, and you have to pay 10 kuai for every 50 grams you don’t eat. Needless to say they piled the table high with loads of food (as it was 10.30am and the breakfast stuff was being cleared away.

We all got stuffed of course, and had a couple of beers (wouldn’t have done so if it had been Stella though). Then Lin Hong took out the tissues from the envelope they came in and started putting some of the food in it to take back! Very inspired. Luckily we weren’t charged for the leftovers, which would have been considerably more expensive than what we did pay. Thinking about it, it seems pretty unenforceable to charge for the weight of the food you didn’t eat…you could just sneakily drop it under the table – I could see a funny Mr Bean episode coming out of this.

Lin Hong appropriating some cakes and looking very guilty.