Leeches, Expensive Flower Tea, and a bit of TT

I woke up at 7am with pain and a hangover. Waipo caught me going to the loo and noted I was up early but I told her I needed some more kip and went back to bed. Until 8am when Ma Laoban pinged me to see if I was up. I said honestly that I was, but that we’d meet up later if ok, which it was.

So a shower (phew) later I took the bike to where I thought his shop was but obviously got it wrong when I didn’t recognise anyone inside. They were friendly enough to wave me along down the road to where Ma Laoban’s shop was, where he met me laughing.

I got in his 4x4 Toyota and three other blokes went with us to a place near the massage place. The meal was fine of course, then two of the blokes left to go and sleep, leaving the other one, Ma Si. We had no chance of finishing the food so left, but went with Ma Si to his home village a few kms outside Pingguo.

Judging by his nice, black BMW X6, he was rather well-to-do, though came across as a thoroughly down-to-earth bloke. He moaned about the running costs of the car, how services were 4000 kuai and had to be done multiple times a year due to his high mileage. Not to mention the various speeding fines he seems to routinely get.

We drove for some 20 minutes to the outer reaches of Pingguo, and finally stopped at a seemingly nondescript mud track off the tiny road. Ma Si must have thought my Chinese was better than I did as he talked to me quickly and in vocabulary that would stretch a local (I hoped). We walked down the muddy path, umbrellas in hand as the clouds were leaking an almost English-like moisture without it pelting down. Then we stopped at a pond. This was a special pond I found out a minute later when Ma Laoban dipped a stick in and a moment later brought it out with a couple of leeches clinging on to it. He rather clumsily managed to put one in his water bottle so I could examine the way it mostly used its suckers on the front and rear to move about and generally show it was angry.

A leech from the pond

Ma Si's X6 and the background

It took quite a lot of time but eventually I learnt that because exporting these valuable leeches would be too troublesome (I don’t doubt it as they could have blood in them), they were interested in drying them and exporting the crushed remains as some sort of medicine that was very good for the blood! But I didn’t have time to dwell on this as soon we were off again to somewhere else.

Next we ended up at a rather lovely house, overlooking a deep valley of green. I understood it was Ma Si’s house. He started talking about some amazing tea that only grew here, and was very expensive. Then he explained that he owned just about all the land that this specific tea grew in. As I walked under the rain to get a good view of my surroundings, and I did rather like it, a senior woman walked in, and Ma Si announced her as his mum.

Well after a perfunctory shake of hands I didn’t see her again, but that was the cue to sit down at a table and have some of this special tea. I was told more than once that a small bag of 200 grammes of this would set you back 500kuai. So it was of little surprise he brought out a fresh bag of it to let us drink.

It was actually really really nice. Slightly fruity, slightly sweet. I explained that the first time I’d drunk pu er cha I didn’t sleep till 5am and he said he had the same thing, and that he only drank this tea. So after 20 mins of this I was as pleased as punch that he put a few fistfulls of the said brew into a bag and gave one to me and one to Ma Laoban. Apparently 50 quids worth in each. I highly doubt it, but look forward to bringing it back to blighty for a unique taste.

We then moved on to see his farm…. Well I got a good tour of chickens, pigs, ducks, and the like, and smelled various stenches. In fact Ma Si bade me smell the difference between two different types of pigs, and told me one lot stank and the others didn’t. I couldn’t really tell but really did try and said I thought there was some difference. Apparently one lot (the non-smelly) were worth a lot more than the others. I wondered if washing the others would increase their worth but at this point, as I was rather tired, I decided not to ask.

But it was a genuinely fascinating tour of the farm and I learnt more about this business in Guangxi than I have ever done in the previous 12 years. The tour culminated in Ma Si presenting me a gift that is traditional in his part of the world - something that will protect you on your return journey - two live chickens. I was very appreciative (again, genuinely), and received them honourably, though I had no idea what to do with them.

Me and Ma Laoban at Ma Si's house

Some non-smelly pigs

Ma Si, Ma Laoban, and me

Well, it wasn’t that hard really. We eventually started on the way back to central Pingguo after our rural excursions, a bit too late though for a siesta. As Ma Si dropped us off at Ma Laoban’s shop not much before 5pm, and we bade our thanks and farewells, I mentioned to Ma Laoban that I hadn’t expected that. He answered that he hadn’t either, and had rather hoped for a siesta himself. It was good to know that I was not the only one, but better to have had the experience I did this afternoon.

Ma Laoban gave me a lift to Waipo’s where she asked me to eat tea but I had to explain I’d been invited to eat by Chen. I knew I’d disappointed her a little but she seemed to perk up when I had the good idea of offering her the two chickens from Ma Si, though she did ask why I didn’t want to take them back to the UK.

As I’d managed to get out of tea at Waipo’s and had 90 minutes to kill before Chen’s, I took the dian dong che to the massage place as my back was still playing up. I admit to having a wee beer accompany me on the way, and maybe one as I had a shower before. Oh but the massage was great, and made me feel less guilty about anything I may have been normally feeling guilty about at the time. Despite the advice of A Wu to put his name down for any massages there I once again paid up front as it was well and truly worth it.

I even felt more invigorated as I skimmed to Chen’s, only a little late at 6.30ish. It was at his apartment with his wife and son. As soon as I entered his son of about 10 years old was overcome by excitement and wanted to do anything to interact with me in a way that might have been considered strange outside of the context. I was happy to shake hands with the boy and play with his toys and talk to him for quite a few minutes until the parents insisted I come to table with them and the blokes. Ah yes...the blokes from the karaoke the other night, together with the one with the Christmas Tree company. But tonight they were different. No, they were just not drunk. Really nice blokes in fact, and the whole meal was tremendously enjoyable as a family/friends thing. And yes we drank beer. But it seems that in such surrounding blokes don’t get stupidly pissed and that I appreciated. Apparently the wife knew Tan as she used to have a clothes shop in the same road as Lao Ma, and apparently I’d been there in 2014 when she adjusted some of Tan’s clothes. Well silly me for not remembering.

I left at 9pm to meet Yang Haiwei for some table tennis at the new, more professional place, but not before going for a refreshing watermelon juice at a place near A Wu’s old office. It was great to catch up with the young girls there who I remembered from when they were toddlers a few years ago! There was a new girl at the table tennis place, too young for the old people’s leisure centre by about 40 years no doubt and I had to play her. I let her win 12-10 12-10. At least that’s what I believed.

The young ladies (two of them ex-toddlers) at the juice place

From July 2011 - I think left and right are the same but not middle

Yang Haiwei in good form at the new table tennis place

 
Then finally, as I was really flaking, I went to meet A Wu in some coffee place by the river. I remember waiting for some time before he came to pick me up. But I was so tired I barely remember playing caima. Probably the first time I got to bed before midnight.

Double date for evening meal

I woke up at 7am, then 8, so took a co-codemol and managed to sleep till 11.30am. A shower was in order but oh! No water! Oh Lin Hong did you really pay the bill?

I had told Waipo yesterday that I’d come for lunch, but even though I turned up at 12.30 they had already eaten. Waipo wanted me to go and bring back some noodles to eat at her house but I said I’d sort myself out.

I went out looking for a piano to tinkle but still I had no luck, so happily satisfied myself with a portion of jiao zi and bao zi from our local place. I’d forgotten my money and said I’d come back in 5 mins but this was the place I’ve been coming with the kids for a few years now and I suppose the boss now trusts me as she told me I could come back when I wanted. I ate at home for probably the only time this year, and then my good friend Yang Haiwei called me and we agreed to meet in a bit.

It was typical that as he called to say he was nearly there, I guessed he was 10 mins away, as is my usual experience. So I went down to pay the jiao zi woman for my food. As it was, Yang Haiwei had already arrived. I told him I’d be a few seconds and then when got to the front of our building, Jun Lin Tian Xia, I nearly opened the door of what I presumed was his Toyota Landcruiser...but the silhouette of the man in the driving seat didn’t seem to be recognisable. Thankfully I got a hoot from an aged 90s VolksWagen, and it was indeed Haiwei.

I learnt a new word: Po Chang - bankrupt. Apparently Haiwei’s business had become so last year and the bank had taken away his house and cars, so he was left with this clapped out banger. He showed no remorse; it was just a matter of fact. I sort of felt sorry but he didn’t seem to at all. He now worked at a mortar factory and took me there. His job didn’t seem to have changed at all; he sat down and made tea that we drank for a good hour while now and again young chaps came in and he told them to get something.

Drinking tea at Haiwei's new office

Yang Haiwei and me

After the tea, Haiwei invited me to a meal this evening which I duly accepted, though hoped he wouldn't be spending too much on it. I then had to take a number of Tan’s clothes (all of which I’d photo’d and sent to her) to the tailor to be resized. I had no intention of doing this mammoth task alone, and being blamed for any imperfections. I blooming well got Chuan Chuan to come with me, and called Tan on WeiXin to clarify what was needed. I let Chuan Chuan do most of the talking.

Chuan Chuan explaining what Tan wanted doing with the clothes

Then I got a call from Uncle Yellow, telling me he’d just bought food for our meal tonight. Oh shit! I’ve just accepted a meal with Haiwei! It’s ok, it’s Pingguo, I’ll sort this somehow.

I went to meet Haiwei at the allotted time, and just honestly told him I’d already arranged to have another meal with Uncle Yellow, and that I’d have to leave at 7pm to go there. I think they really appreciate this sort of honesty. Haiwei was not miffed in the least, but insisted that we get cracking on the food and beer! We had some of that lovely raw fish that you “finish” in vinegar, before adding some peanuts and other stuff...a dish I’ve known for 10+ years now and never tire of. I sent a pic of it to Tan, who immediately replied with a warning that I should not eat raw fish due to polluted rivers etc. I took no heed, and marvelled at the fact that now Li Quan was available in large cans!

Uncle Yellow used WeiXin to show me exactly where he was. It seems there is a new bbq area not far from the university area, but it is quite far away. Luckily my dian dong che was still pretty charged up and I clicked on the thumbnail he’d sent me. This fired up Google Maps, and although it doesn’t really work in China, somehow I had enough info to get to the place, although probably spent a load on data.

It was great to catch up with Uncle Yellow and his wife Xiao Chong, along with the cook who used to work at the Cool Cave, and a few others. I actually got a little pissed with them on the beers, and what with the bbq and the meal I’d just had with Haiwei, reflected on how it is possible to have a good time now and again despite the absence of family.

Nice bbq with Uncle Yellow (arm around) and two mates

The daughter of the owner (who spoke quite good English), a mate, Uncle Yellow, Xiao Chong

Xiao Chong took this pic of me and blurred the background before sending it to all her mates on WeiXin

I’m glad to say we stayed a fair while, and when I went to leave I decided to stay at Waipo’s; Chuan Chuan had left for Baise, and I needed somewhere with water and internet. I already had Waipo’s keys so let myself in and managed to watch the second half of Swansea v Man Utd where they beat them 2-1. Good end to a good day!

Third day in Pingguo and Massage

Up around 8am and festered until nearly 10 when I used my counting in German trick to claw another 10 mins of sleep. My back was not good, so I resolved to go for a massage after my 11am breakfast. A Wu had just called to say he’d business in Nanning and wouldn't be back till the evening, so I seemed to have a potentially free day ahead of me. But although she wasn't there, I could feel the pain Tan would have felt in the presence of such dust and dirt in a flat that had been left unlived-in for more months than amount to more than half a year. In fact last night I had looked at the kids’ rooms but didn’t have the heart to start cleaning them up.

Our fridge before...

...and after I'd given it the once over

But now I got to work in the sweaty heat. I was in Leilei’s room and after wiping away the thin layer of dust from his side-table drawer thing, I opened the lower drawer and straightaway saw his and Xixi’s photo from a few years back in school. It has only been a couple of weeks or so away from them but seeing that hit me hard. It was probably a thousandth of a percent of parents who must have been in far worse situations, but I just couldn’t tidy up the room after that. It’s the best excuse I’ve ever had for not tidying up a room, and one I hope never to have again.

When I opened the drawer to this I just couldn't continue...I miss them so much...

I couldn’t call the kids as it was around 4am their time, so mustered up my energy to wash the floors of the rest of the house. It took bloody ages and I sweated so much I justified myself a weak drink by 1pm. Actually, it was more of an excuse to use my soda machine again, that I’d bought last year. In fact I’d left water in it from last year in the fridge and it still appeared to be fizzy, in that when I pulled the trigger some came out. But I wasn’t going to trust that. I emptied last year’s apparent fizz, and filled up with new water. Unfortunately, I had no cold water so had to make do with the recently-delivered stuff at room temperature. This is not how you’re supposed to do it but to hell with that. I filled the 70s style syphon, added the mini canister, pierced it and heard the bubbles go through. I then shook it for good measure. The water I’d put in the ice cube trays earlier that morning had still not solidified, but I used the fairly cold water for them as a base for my drink, then added a smidgen of sodastream bitter lemon concentrate and a nice nip of gin. I then poured the gushing soda water from the bottle and admired what was probably the first gin and bitter lemon to be prepared in Pingguo since about this time last year.

I sat down in my office, full of anticipation, raised the glass to my lips, justifying it in the absence of my family, then downed a generous mouthful. Of warm and almost totally flat lemony crap. I had totally failed, but because last year it had worked I realised I had to be more patient and wait for cold water and proper ice. The problem was I couldn’t at this moment as I wanted a massage, so in the spirit of things I downed it, poured a marginally less room-temperature follow-up, and took the newly charged dian dong che to the massage place.

I remembered the way to the massage place pretty well, and while not taking the most efficient route, I had a fully-charged dian dong che and I didn’t care too much. As I entered the massage place it stirred the people who were drinking tea on the ground floor. Within seconds a young lady swept down the stairs to usher me to the second floor “VIP” room. I didn’t argue. She left me to shower and get into the massage garb that I had done last year and maybe the year before, but this time strangely alone.

Somehow she knew when my shower was finished and entered the room with impeccable timing and some sweet tea and slices of watermelon. The next hour was blissful, not just because of the fact of the massage, but because I was able to orient her in the direction of where my back pain was most severe. I'm not ignorant enough to expect her to have cured anything, but golly, it did feel better. When she finished I semi dropped-off for 15 minutes or so but had a dangling reminder in my head that I’d promised to go to Waipo’s again for tea.

I could have signed A Wu’s name for the massage - and I'm sure he would have wanted me to - but I paid the 108 kuai very happily. I'm only here for a few days so the odd luxury won’t kill anyone.

I ended up bringing my work to Waipo’s as not only did I feel a bit lonely in our flat, we (I) had no Internet access there. It was a 2 minute trip with the laptops and after tea I managed to sort out a couple of emails, and annoyingly, book flights to Australia and back from Hong Kong as my boss really needed me to go there for a couple of days. Apparently it is winter there and I only have summer clothes...oh well...first world problems….

I did go and try to find a place to practise the piano again, but to no avail. But I was just somewhat happy to be in Pingguo when a few weeks ago I had not expected it. I had nowhere to go, nothing to. I would like to say I was dappled and drowsy too but Pingguo doesn't easily lend itself to Simon and Garfunkel songs, though I dare say there is one here (not the Sound of Silence).

I came back to Waipo’s in the evening as I wanted to watch the footy. We managed a hard-fought 2-0 home win against Watford, but perhaps more interestingly Chelsea lost at home to Palace! Interesting….

I was tired, but happy, and decided to go for a spin and see my mate Huang - the owner of the Beihai Seafood place. It was well past midnight but he was there and not expecting me, and happily forced me to sit at a table and eat and drink with some friends. It was totally cool. I chatted with him and chatted with the guys at the table as they took several selfies with me.

I did manage to say I was tired an hour later, and this was accepted. But I’d made the point of meeting a good friend in this short sojourn, and I hope it won’t be the last time before I leave.

Waking Up Alone in Pingguo

I woke up to a headache and a ⅘ full glass of Skol beer at around 8am. I lingered for a bit dropping in and out of sleep. It wasn't like normal when you have jet lag after a long journey. Rather it was just empty without family.

Ling Ming’s wife, Xiao Nong, messaged me around 10am to invite me to theirs for dinner tonight, and once I accepted told me not to stand them up. Well that was the early evening meal sorted, and important as I wanted to see Ling Ming and their six month old son.

But I also needed to see Waipo, so IM’d Chuan Chuan to see if it was ok to come around for lunch. Of course it was, and I was to come round for midday. So I had nearly two hours. I looked around and found the two glasses of water I’d made by boiling tap water in the kettle in the hope that they’d become potable (as I do in hotels). Judging by the slight film on top they were not as potable as I would have liked. Had I been drinking Stella or wine or something else last night I’d be gagging for a pint of water now but as it had been 3.1% Li Quans I was quite ok except for a slight headache, so took an ibuprofen washed down with what was left from the water bottle from Hong Kong Airlines, NOT the undrunken Skol.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs, and I barely needed the air-con so turned it off. Unfortunately even though I’d remembered to turn the hot water on, none came out of the taps. It seems there was a blockage. I was in dire need of a shower, not having taken one for 24 hours, so bravely put it to as low power as I could muster and had a semi shower that I would call cold but some may call room temperature. Well I got the soap out of my hair and body but that was all I could manage. It was horrible and I suppose I just have to accept I am sensitive to non-warm water.

Chuan Chuan called at 11.30 to say I should come now as the food was already ready. Actually, due to my short shower I was pretty much ready, so found some boxer shorts from last year and some other clean clothes and walked over to Waipo’s. I didn’t feel like I was in a foreign country. It reminded me of driving into France after having driven through most of Western Europe with Mat in the late 90s. I’ve been here so many times it just did feel like home. Possibly the most home-feeling part about it was not thinking about taking pictures all the time.

And when I arrived at Waipo’s it was similar. She seemed to be accepting of my hug of her bony body, and talked to me about normal stuff during the meal, saying she was so sad Leilei and Xixi weren’t here, and asking how they were doing. I could only explain that I was just here because I happened to be in Hong Kong on business, but couldn't not visit as I was so close.

I was keen to get back on our dian dong che to feel the freedom of Pingguo, and Chuan Chuan gave me its keys. Then she explained that it was a completely different vehicle as the last one broke down and had to be replaced (as it was within one year of purchase date). She (or someone) had chosen the new one, which was black, and quite a bit bigger than the last. I would rather have been consulted about this, but I have to admit the new beast is quite nice. It needs some stickers to make it more personalised though - I’ll leave that to Leilei and Xixi next time.

Our new dian dong che

Two of the things I need to do as soon as I get to Pingguo are replace the necklace of my jade pig and report myself to the police, and not in that order. As we’d finished lunch by midday, and I had the dian dong che’s keys in my hand, I thought I’d take it out and search for the police place to declare myself. Well the dian dong che told me it had six bars of battery, and it looked like a limit of 45 km to go. Better than the last one!

But try as I might I couldn’t find the bloody police place. I knew it wasn’t by the river, like two years ago, or by the guang chang, like four years ago. It was somewhere I went with Uncle Yellow in his car last year. So I rang him and he told me the address, which meant as much as saying it in Russian as I still don’t know where any roads are here except for our own and the one that has the bbq. But he did text it at least so I could ask others.

I ended up going to the police station at the guang chang as I couldn’t find the new place. But it was closed till 2.30 so I called Li Kun to arrange to meet to drink tea. But as soon as I’d done that A Xia called me to go to pick up a load of clothes for Tan. As I wasn’t sure how long A Xia would be there, I first went to hers to get the clothes and as soon as I arrived it  started raining. I stayed for a bit with her and her son and drank some hot water and ginger. It was really hot and strong, and felt good, so asked for a second cup. Then A Xia brought out Tan’s clothes. Oh no! How would I fit that many into my luggage?

A Xia's son is growing up...

I’d let Li Kun know I’d be delayed due to wife’s clothes and rain that would potentially ruin them, and make me wet. But I eventually got there and we had a laugh about stuff and looked at a video of the Renault Zoe that I hope to be getting soon. It’s funny that while electric bikes are all the rage here, there doesn’t appear to be a single electric car. I suppose this is because the infrastructural changes are significant, whereas you can plug a bike into a normal domestic plug overnight and it is completely charged by the morning.

After copious cups of tea at Li Kun’s I decided it was time to report myself to the police, and thus become a legal resident for all of the six days I would be here. Uncle Yellow had told me where the police station was and Li Kun found it on the map for me so it should have been very easy to find. It took ages in the end and I even asked the doctor who does Tan’s and A Xia’s backs the way. All of them pointed in the same direction, which was fruitless so I went back to the guangchang police place again, and a woman there told me quite simply how to go there. I found it 5 mins later.

Typically they didn’t know what to do until they called someone. That someone happened to be someone I met last night but I didn’t have very clear recollections of him until I asked him to add me to WeChat and he told me he did that last night with me. Whoops. I then remembered there was only one person who added me last night (I think) so it must have been him. Then we found the woman who registered us last year and began the folly that is re-registering with last year’s details to help. At least my name hasn’t changed, but visa expiry dates and phone numbers had, and she had to print out three times before it was correct.

Finally being a legal temporary resident, I set off to look for a place to practise the piano. It was at this point I noticed that the number of kilometres remaining on the bike had grown from its original 45, and I grimly realised it wasn't an estimate of km left, but simply an odometer, and the battery fullness indicator had reduced to three bars, which I had no idea how to translate into km left.

I did find the piano place, the one with the pretty, tall teacher who didn’t want to charge for me to practise, but it was closed till 3pm, and as it was already 3.45 I didn’t hang around to find out how much longer it would be closed for. So I headed towards the other place not far from A Hua’s house. This one was closed too, and I guessed it must be because of the school summer holidays. I hoped to find the third place I’d been to last year but as the battery was now on one bar I decided to leave it for another day.

Instead I went to the supermarket by the market to stock up on provisions. I got on the up-escalator, and was thinking how I’d had so few calls due to my new phone number when I heard “Peng Duoming!” and I noticed it was the Doctor, the table tennis guru, at the top. I shook hands with him and he asked me why I’d not been playing table tennis recently (well I hadn't been in the country for a year) - I just said just I’d only got in last night and had a bad back. He retorted that I had a bad back because I hadn't been playing table tennis. I was about to explain how it actually happened two years ago because of table tennis but thought better of it. Then I realised my back was actually quite ok at the moment. Could it actually be due to stress or lack thereof? I’d only had one ibuprofen in the morning…

Well I had no time to dwell as I heard “Peng Duoming!” again, and this time recognised a bloke in the queue for the tills. I didn’t recognise him enough to remember his name but he certainly remembered me and invited me for a meal that night. I just recalled he wasn't Pingguo born and bred, but was married to a native, so it gave us something in common. I said I was booked but to add me on WeiXin and we’d sort something out.

Finally inside the supermarket, to my horror they had no Cola Zero. A step backwards from the last seven years I think - I hope my more local supermarket does. I ended up just picking up something for breakfast and a little medicine alcohol just in case.

Outside I picked up some grapes from the Bangxu stallholders and noticed them playing cards with about four decks each. I wanted to ask why four decks but for once my cat-like curiosity took a turn for the dog, and I just fancied getting home.

The dian dong che started dying on me but just managed to get me back to our apartment building at what would be a walking pace in the UK. The bloke then charged me 5 kuai to charge up! Last year and every other year it had been 1 kuai! Inflation of the astronomical kind!

It was now 4.45 and I remembered to call for water to be delivered with the number that was still in my phone after all these years. There was no answer but when they called back I tried to explain our 14/15 floor address problem but it was apparently solved when I said I was the English bloke and they remembered me. That didn’t stop the woman calling from outside the building as she couldn't work out which number on the pad to push, and few people ever can - I still don't know. 14 being unlucky is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. For some reason she recalled that last year we’d bought a second dispenser bottle and she asked if we still had it. Indeed we did, so I left her carrying two large empties back with her. She must have been thinking about that for nearly a year.

I was ready by 5pm for the meal with Ling Ming and family, when got a text from him saying he would pick me up at 6. I judged it an appropriate time to nip a tiny whisky. The meal at Ling Ming’s, with his wife, kid, and extended family was very nice, punctuated with various phone calls, mainly from Li Kun and the bloke I met in the supermarket earlier. Finally I agreed something with Li Kun. But then shit started to happen.

The bloke from the supermarket was adamant we’d arranged something for tonight, but I had arranged something with Li Kun. To make matters worse, A Wu was coming to pick me up from Ling Ming’s in a bit. While in A Wu’s car I received another call from the supermarket bloke and just handed over the phone to A Wu. A Wu took the call then we went to the new KTV near A Xia’s place. He said I should meet these blokes for a bit then call him. I guessed it was something about not losing face, so got out of car just as the bloke from the supermarket and his cohorts were crossing the road in my direction.

They looked as drunk as the devil himself after several mouthfuls of medicine alcohol followed by rice wine; their faces were as red as the horned man from hell, and they walked like they wore cloven boots. All told there were six of us. A Wu had left and I was alone with them. Supermarket bloke was actually Chen, who I remembered a bit more from last year, and actually wasn't a quarter as drunk as his mates. But he seemed just as excited about getting me to join them in KTV merriment.

Even before the weak beer was served, the other blokes started singing in dreadful tones that even I couldn't emit. They reminded me of comic book characters, some of them in army garb. One of them evidently had a business in Christmas trees, and made me look through his wares of plastic white trees on his phone while others screeched away in drunken non-tones. I was having a really bad time.

I was aware Li Kun had invited me out, and I also knew that these five blokes really wanted my company in the KTV place, so at some stage I had to be completely blunt with Chen and say I had to be somewhere else. It required a couple of gan beis with each of the blokes, but it was easier than it might have been to get away, considering it was nearly midnight, except for being made to sit through about 48 more pictures of white Xmas trees..

Thankful to be out of the room, I thought I would find the lift by myself, but no such luck. They all considered I would be incapable of doing so, so accompanied me down the two whole stories to the street below, where I thankfully hailed a san lun che. I hadn't banked on the price to the new bbq place, a whole 10 kuai. I would have thought he had done me if it hadn't taken so long. But finally I found Li Kun and mates, and felt bad that they had been kept waiting so long.

But I wasn't pissed really so was able to join them in a few beers. Some old friends were there and that made it an infinitely better section of the evening than I had hitherto spent. A Wu was also there, and took me home at 1ish. Another night where home was merely a bed.

Pingguo, but Solitary

Roll on 12 days. I don’t particularly want to remember the long hours in the Kowloon office, despite some quite nice cheap eateries and the triggering of memories of a particularly bonding experience with Xixi in 2009 due to chickenpox.

I should not complain but the HK lounges only allow free beer so after a quadruple I knew I’d need the loo, which I did a couple of times before the flight, which was delayed half an hour. However, luck dictates that you will need to go as soon as you fasten your seatbelt, and indeed I did. Luckily the two ladies to my left (yes I’d taken a window seat) were fine about my asking for a wee just before leaving and ushered me to the aisle just before the stewardesses were to close the loos for takeoff. What a relief it was!

The two ladies were mother and daughter, living in Nanning, and seemed to be quite delighted to talk to me. I did mention that my wife was also from Nanning, the sort of thing that back in the day would let down any potential suitors, but now merely confirms my ineligibility as if…. I did mention to them that their accents didn’t seem very Guangxi and they seemed quite impressed that I guessed that they were from the North. Where, I hadn’t a clue, but when you say “narrrrrrrrrrr” instead of “nali” it sounds quite obvious even to me.

I admit to supplementing my cola from the lounge with a head of whisky from the shop, but only because there was no option other than water with Hong Kong Airlines. It sort of did the trick as the typical turbulence arrived but thankfully it lasted no more than a handful of minutes and my hands weren’t too full of sweat as they normally are. Unfortunately while pouring the said whisky into the cola not all of it went into the can. A fair amount went straight into my pocket. I could have lived with looking like I'd pissed myself while having an erection to the right, but the smell was quite pungent. Oh well, once the cola was finished I had a couple of little swigs from the 20cl bottle as we got closer to our destination. The ladies didn't speak to me much for the rest of the flight - I guess they were tired.

We only arrived 20 minutes late, but it was at the flashy new terminal at Nanning. I do like this airport because it was built with the airforce in mind, and has a much longer runway than is necessary for normal planes. But you know, just in case. I’d filled in my landing card but couldn’t remember how to write our address in Pingguo in Chinese, so left it blank and IM’d Chuan Chuan to send it when we landed. Interestingly enough I got to passport control before I had the time to write the address, and mentioned this to the chap checking my passport. He took a look at me and said “mei wenti” (no problem) and let me through. A stark contrast from eight years ago or so with small kids and they insisted I add my middle name to the entry card.

A Wu had arranged to pick me up and true to his word he was there. Big bro hugs were had and it was genuinely nice to see a familiar family face after the last 12 days. We got to his BMW X6 and started the journey back with a woman who was also there for the ride. This is very common. There is nearly always someone else there for the ride.

Filling up just outside Nanning, she's nice but thirsty...

I semi-dozed after an hour, using my counting-in-German approach. I in no way slept, but in some way avoided 100% awakeness for a 20 minute period. That helped for what was to come.

We arrived in Pingguo soon after 8.30pm and went straight to A Wu’s house to see his new one-month-old son. He was indeed very cute, and there was A Ni’s younger sister there looking after him, allowing A Ni to eat, and generally be a human again. As it was “guo jie”, an important family festival, I ate some nice duck at their place before getting in contact with Chuan Chuan and arranging to meet up at the “sing song” place where she would give me my new SIM card as once again my one from last year no longer worked.

Aaahh...baby A Wu number 2

We went to the nice central KTV that I have been to on countful occasions before, with a couple of lovely locals adorning the stairs of the entrance. This time though we had the big room on the bottom floor (or the 1st floor as they insist here).

Chuan Chuan came quite soon after and I met her outside. I gave her a big hug and now she is quite used to it from her uncle. She is still very slight for her age but a very bright young lady - sort of like a young Tan both physically and mentally.

Chuan Chuan looking more like Tan every year

Chuan Chuan stayed for a bit, while Li Mingda (A Wu’s son) came with some school friends. He’s now 14 and looking more like an adult and it is hard to remember it wasn't long ago he and Leilei were good mates. One of his friends was a pretty girl and I wondered if she was his girlfriend, though I didn’t want to embarrass him by asking.

Well Chuan Chuan and the youngsters went, and adults came and came, and I was plied with many many thimblefuls of weak beer. So much so that eventually I said I needed to go home. A Wu seemed ok with this, as presumably it gave him a chance for a break too.

We drove back to my building at well gone 1am and entered together with another bloke who was there for some reason or another. When the lift got us to the 14th floor and we got out we saw a metal gate barring our way to my front door. Needless to say we were a little peeved, and tried my front door keys to open it in some way, but it didn’t budge. There was nothing for it, I had to call Chuan Chuan. She answered and said there was no such gate. Rather than argue with her I mentioned this to A Wu and colleague and we thought we’d better check. We took the lift down to the ground floor and collapsed in laughter when we realised we’d entered the 2nd door instead of the 3rd door. What utter idiots.

Going to the correct door we had no such problems with mysterious gates and got into our flat quite easily with the new key Chuan Chuan had given me. A Wu and mate bade farewell and I was left in our place for the first time in a year with every inkling to explore but no energy to do so. I found our cover and a pillow or two and opened the can of Skol I’d grabbed from Hong Kong. But I barely had a sip before I turned on the air-con at 26 degrees and fell into a well-predicted sleep.

Sort of Back to China But on My Own

It's been a blur. But I was good on the first flight from London City to Amsterdam; I didn't take an alcoholic drink that was offered before take-off although others did. Even though it was my first experience in business class. However, the smallish plane hanging from its wings did wobble a bit too much for my liking and as soon as the on-board services arrived I did have a small white wine (it was by now after midday).

Well business class did not get me into the KLM lounge, but I was able to go to the Priority Pass one, not before having spent EUR150 on fags and perfume for my niece-in-law Chuan Chuan, though fair enough, she spent so much time with Leilei and Xixi last year, and she is gutted they aren’t coming this year.

I got to the gate earlier than necessary but needn’t have worried as I was ushered on, hanging my jacket and placing my hand luggage in a wardrobe right in the nose of the 747/400. It was a semi-double-decker, with the pilot above and behind us. I suppose if we were to crash into a mountain we’d be the first to die, but then that mightn’t be a concern. It certainly wasn’t a concern when I was offered a glass of champagne, and it really was a glass! (I didn’t care if the champagne was real).

I don’t want to recall the luxuries too much, as I’ll possibly not have the chance again, but the noise-cancelling headphones, being plied with drinks, the food, were just the precursor to the most important thing when you know you’re going to be in meetings 18 hours after you take off...fully reclining seats at the touch of a button. I normally like to watch a film or two before trying to sleep but I barely got through the second half of The Imitation Game before the nice lady came and asked me if I would like anything. “Er, may I have a cognac please?” was my reaction, and before I’d finished my sentence I had one waiting for me. I felt a little bit like Mr Benn, except my costume was my drink, or my drink was my costume. Either way I remember starting to watch something mildly intellectual about Steven Hawking and the last thing I knew I woke up to a turned off screen. Normally at this time I check the time and realise there are still seven hours to go and curse my lack of sleep. But I noticed on the screen off the chap next to me that there were under two hours of the 11+hour journey to go. Result! I’d slept the best part of seven hours on an aeroplane. Oh please let this happen again.

At Hong Kong I changed my clothes in the loo and felt quite refreshed as I got the train and tube to near my hotel. I was nearly lost but asked the old man in the reception of some building how to get to my hotel. He looked at me quizzically for half a second while I asked him if he spoke Mandarin, then broke out into a lovely smile as he explained I needed to go down the escalator then cross the road. It almost seemed to have made his day to be able to speak to someone to break the monotony of his job.

At the hotel I dumped my stuff off and met my client. He said he'd not found anywhere that sells a pint of beer but somehow I'd sniffed one out on the way to the hotel. We went there for a couple of pints and a bite to eat before I realised the sleep in the plane was not enough to be ready for tomorrow, so I went for a quick siesta. On waking, it seemed the thought of being away from the family for two weeks suddenly hit me and I video-chatted them via WeChat. It felt a lot better knowing you can do that. Tan also sent me a nice picture that will become my phone's new background for a couple of weeks at least.

Will miss these exins!

One of the best things about this hotel is the free smartphone they give you for the duration of your stay. Not only is it free to call nine countries around the world (including mobiles in the UK), but you can use it as a hotspot therefore meaning you can use your own phone/laptop online for free, unlimited. They have a potential returning customer here (Dorsett Mongkok Hotel, Kowloon).

I feared being up till 4am but a couple more beers and a travel sickness tablet later and I just made it to the end of a particularly thrilling match where we beat Chelsea 3-0 at home! It could have been more. I'm hoping being a City fan this year will be better than last - so far it certainly is!