Setting up the Wii and huge storm at the seafood place

Indeed despite a couple of toilet breaks I managed to sleep till 9.45am. Too late for jogging or badminton but who cares? The fitness afforded by sleep is sometimes far more important. The kids weren't to go to school today as A Da is still in Beijing with Nong Kaicheng, so I went to pick them up. A Wu called to meet up in the tea place opposite our building so the three of us went for a few minutes, but it's not the most interesting place for kids, so we decided to go for lunch at the wooden bucket place.

The kids opted for the old dian dong che rather than A Wu's Toyota, as it's so much more fun with the wind in your hair. They would be an excellent excuse to get a convertible car in the UK as they go mad enough just having the back windows down. A good excuse but not good enough when our old faithful Peugeot 406 keeps passing MoTs.

Again I had the problem of encouraging them to eat and had to resort to spoon feeding both of them a bit. At least Leilei liked the sliced fragrant sausage but the portion of egg fried rice went mostly to waste. When we were finished we went back to Waipo's and I left them there for a little bit as I had boring electronic paperwork to do.

As well as the paperwork I think I finally sorted out the Wii so we can play games now, not that there has been that much chance to up to now. But I blooming well left it here last year so I will blooming well ensure that it is used.

I forgot that I had slept in so necked a couple of qi du while working, then went to bed before realising the reason I couldn't fall asleep was that I only got up five hours ago. So I went back to the desk and tried to sort out creating a VPN server on my laptop in London as you do.

Leilei called me from Waipo's to say he wanted to come home, which was fair enough. When I got there both had eaten apparently so we grabbed a couple of toys and got on the dian dong che to drive around for a bit. It was gone 8pm and dark now, so we stopped off by the guangchang and I got them some zheng zhu nai cha each (cold milk tea with squidgy sweets inside) and we went for a walk. While kicking a football about in the guangchang I got a call from a Huang Chang. I recognised the surname but not the first name. I recognised his voice but couldn't match it to a face, and I hadn't put a mugshot in my phone so his picture didn't show up (as I have done for others). He asked me to go with him to have a beer and eat something. I said I was with the kids but that didn't put him off and he said he'd come to pick us up. I had a good opportunity to say no as I was tired/needed to sort the kids etc., but I sort of like it when these things happen as there's an air of excitement about not knowing what's around the corner.

I thought it might be difficult, waiting for someone you will probably recognise, but who you don't know is the right person. So we played a guessing game for the next five minutes wondering if this car or that car might be Huang Chang. Inevitably I got a call a couple of minutes later asking where we were. It took some explaining because the guangchang is a huge place and there is no one entrance as such. Eventually we both agreed he must be near the old people's leisure centre and we saw a badly parked car with the engine on. I barked out the numberplate to him on the phone and he said "dui dui dui!", which means "yes" and "correct" at the same time.

Rather than open the back door I thought I'd be a little rude and open the driver's door so I could see who my friend was. If it was rude I could always joke that I thought it was the passenger door (I've used that one before and it works). Ah...it was the boss of the sea food place down the way who we'd seen for all of 15 minutes a couple of days ago but had to leave due to kids. This was apparently his new car. It was a VW something. Needless to say it was a black saloon with blacked out windows so it basically looked the same as 50% of all the cars in Pingguo. But it was comfortable and air conditioned, despite the fact that it seemed to keep jumping out of second gear. I daren't ask if it was brand new as a negative answer may have meant losing face. But he must have liked his car as rather than do a U-turn to head back to his place he did a tour of the guangchang before taking the road that leads to Nanning.

There was a two year old boy sitting in the front passenger seat who was apparently there for the ride, and we were all in the back sans seatbelts. Suddenly we were going about 50mph and I had to ask where we were going. "Nowhere", was the reply. He was sort of right as a couple of minutes later we did another U-turn and drove back into Pingguo and to his seafood place. I think the purpose of that mini trip was to show off his car, but who knows?

We got to his seafood place and he set us out a table saying he'd be back in a bit. During the meanwhile one of his blokes came to take our order. Well, I wasn't really ready to order despite being a bit hungry as Huang Chang wasn't there, so I got a can of lemonade for the kids and a beer for me. With the kids sorted I'd barely had a sip of beer before Xixi decided she wanted the toilet. She's actually good at using the key-shaped holes in the ground, and doesn't get her knickers wet, but she needs me for moral support, and sometimes physical support if her feet start slipping apart. Then it was Leilei's turn but I'm glad to say he doesn't need me any more. Then it was Xixi's turn again as she needed a poo poo for the second time today. This time it was of the less dry variety and it bloody stank but ho hum. This time when we finally got out I saw Boss Yang (one from a few years back), who was at another table. He bade me sit down and I didn't refuse. The kids amused themselves with hide-and-seek to my relief and I had a couple of gan bei's with some blokes I recognised from years gone by. The boss popped his head around again to apologise but he was busy. I couldn't help thinking that he would have been slightly less busy if he hadn't taken us on a pointless car ride outside Pingguo.

Leilei said it was going to rain and within five minutes there was a familiar pitter patter which lasted all of 30 seconds before it became more of a roar accompanied by a fairly strong wind. The deluge that ensued was quite interesting for the kids and me as we saw a delightful lightning performance to the sound of never-ending thunder. It wasn't good for business though as even the covers they'd put out were not sufficient due to the wind. Boss Yang took the kids one by one to his car under and umbrella and gave us a lift back home. We thanked him and said we'd see him again.

Of course I'd left the dian dong che at the bbq place by the guangchang but there was no getting it now. Tan wasn't in so I got the kids showered and toothbrushed and in to bed. Getting them to sleep was another matter and it was midnight by the time they were. Tan came back one-ish from who knows where? I was pretty shattered and fell asleep at 1.40am after having gone back to pick up the dian dong che and then going for a 10 minute ride around town just to wear out the last of the battery before recharging and because the post-rain air was refreshing.

Early badminton and late table-hopping

Another virtually sleepless night - just patches where dreams would start and get rudely revoked after a minute or so. In truth I probably got over an hour's kip but it didn't feel like it. So at 6.30 I got up and thought at least I could do some badminton. I crept about, trying not to wake Tan, who also had not got to sleep until nearly 3am, and found some clothes except for my shorts. Then I remembered I hadn't dried the clothes last night and I had three pairs in the washing machine. Well as they would be sopping wet with a few minutes anyway I put one pair aside while I hung out the rest of the clothes to dry.

I walked to the same place I played in the guangchang a couple of days ago. There were about six people there, not all the same as last time, but enough to recognise me and invite me to play. As there was already a game on one of the blokes saw two girls playing on an adjoining court and just moved on to play with them without really giving them an option. So I found myself with a rather chubby partner who wasn't very good, but it was a good warm-up exercise. Within 10 minutes a grey-haired, but sprightly old lady pushed out the young lady on the other side of the court and proceeded to play with the bloke against me and chubby. The young lady didn't seem to mind. I wonder if seniority allows for this imposing of oneself like this.

After half an hour we were called over to the other court and I played three games of doubles with much better players, more my age too. We actually won one of the games but I was more glad of the fitness practice I was getting - I didn't feel sick this time.

As I was walking home Tan called to say that the kids were arguing, as if to say "can you take them out as I need more sleep?". I was coming to take them to eat anyway so no problem there. Breakfast was at the dou jiang place again and we had eggs, a sweetcorn pancake, eight jiao zi, four bao zi and two cups of dou jiang, which all came to 10 kuai. We couldn't even finish all of that, and then I took the kids to Waipo's to play, explaining that I really needed to get some shuteye.

Back home Tan was still asleep but awoke nearer lunch time. She'd had a bad neck and Waipo had given her some herbs to...I think steam or something. I heard her pop them in the microwave for a minute or so before putting them in a plastic bag. Then she opened another plastic bag and put it on the pillow before putting the bag with the herbs on top of that and then lying with her neck on that for the next 45 minutes. It did pong a bit and I still couldn't sleep. So about an hour later I popped down to get some jiao zi and bao zi and brought them back up to share with Ling Ming. That, together with a couple of beers did the trick and I finally fell asleep from about 3.30 - 6.30. Even at 6.30 I could hardly get up and snoozed for another hour.

I decided not to eat at Waipo's although she'd rung to invite me around, as I wanted to have an evening out for myself tonight after having had the kids for the last two nights. After geeking about for a bit setting up the Wii with the tv and the Internet and trying, but mainly failing to watch the German grand prix I went to Ma Laoban's to pick up a USB hub and Ethernet cable. It was only a few minutes before closing but I found him and his wife and a couple of mates sitting at the back of the shop drinking tea, so joined them for nearly an hour, while getting decidedly hungry. Although I wanted to go, they all seemed so interested about life in England, and how I met Tan etc., and we were having quite a good laugh. Luckily Tan called to ask me to get her some bbq, so that was a good reason to leave, even though she just meant to bring it home with me later that night.

I drove to the guangchang A Yi bbq place and just as I was about to order I heard Ling Ming and Xiao Nong call me over to have a bite and a beer with them. Whyever not? We sat and ate and chatted for a bit until I noticed Yang Haiwei at another table with a load of mates. I said I'd say a quick hello with them, which was indeed fairly quick, but involved a number of gan beis. Then eventually A Wu came, and then Yang Haiwei's wife came over with their son and eventually I table-hopped to Haiwei's table where I cai ma'd with some of the blokes and beat most of them too).

I didn't forget my errand and ordered Tan's bbq from a different place as A Yi had stopped cooking by now. Back at Ling Ming's table they had already paid for theirs and the five duck tongues, fat-beef and pork strips I'd ordered too. It wasn't even worth protesting. On the way back I suddenly remembered I'd taken the dian dong che there so sheepishly had to walk back to pick it up and take it home.

Back home Tan was already there but the kids were staying at Waipo's. As she ate, I did a bit more setting up of the Wii, though was getting so tired I called it a day and went to bed insistent that I would not wake up within one hour.

Delicious light lunch and Hello Kitty car

Despite a broken night's sleep, with Leilei coming in to our room half way through, I didn't properly get up until 9.45 although was tempted three hours earlier to do something sporty. That meant I had to plan my day without a siesta for the first time this year. Ling Ming said he was taking the kids swimming in the afternoon and was I coming? Indeed that seemed like a suitable alternative to a sleep, and I haven't been swimming at all this year yet, let alone with the kids.

But lunch was before that - Xiao Nong came around soon after midday to take us all somewhere where they had liang fen. I still don't know what exactly this is but it includes tofu and sugar, and there are street sellers who pedal about tricycles with a small loudspeaker blaring "dofu hua, liang fen" and it is a cosy background sound I actually quite miss when I'm not here. On a couple of tables I saw trays with an array of small bowls of various vegetarian goodness, together with mini thin pancakes as for Beijing Roast Duck, and decided I wanted some of that. Leilei too wanted some and for some reason they ordered a portion for each of us. Tan and Xiao Nong had some flat noodles, and Ling Ming had some "normal" noodles. The table was covered with food and even Leilei ate some of Tan's noodles before eating some pancakes with like a single bead of sweetcorn inside.

Ling Ming, his fiancée Xiao Nong and Tan tucking in to noodles. The tray in the middle contains various roots/leaves/shoots that you put into a little pancake as Tan is showing. Delicious and light. 

But it was delightful, topped off with the most delicious mango sorbet. It was only pure mango crushed with ice and some sugar added but I ate it so quickly I got a freeze headache in my temple so severe I couldn't talk or open my eyes for a minute. Stupidly, I didn't learn from this lesson and did the same thing five minutes later due to how gorgeous it tasted. I couldn't eat anything after that, although I wasn't stuffed - anything else would have pailed in comparison.

After lunch Tan went to A Xia's shop and Xiao Nong took Leilei and I back home. Leilei played on computer games for half the afternoon as I did some drying of clothes and other chores until 4pm when Ling Ming called us to tell us he'd be there in five minutes to pick us up. That was a bit more considerate than people who call you to say they're waiting downstairs for you "hurry up".

Xiao Nong was driving in her MG 3 - I hadn't even heard of that before. It was white, and inside was adorned with Hello Kitty memorabilia and Xixi was in heaven. Had it been England I'd have been too embarrassed to enter such a vehicle. We went to the same pool a couple of k outside Pingguo as I had last year with Yang Haiwei. It was a lot harder with kids, but at least Chuan Chuan, A Heng and Qiqi were there too. I did manage four lengths without kids so my exercise-infiltrated days has now been extended to four.

Hanged Hello Kitties

A trifecta of Hello Kitties

The pool we all went to - the deep end is separated by a metal gate but I didn't get much chance to go there...

Tea was at Waipo's but I didn't eat that much mainly because I was hoping to get out later in the evening and have some bbq or something. I did ask if it would be possible to borrow a tv as we had done last year. She pointed at one in one of the bedrooms and said that nobody used it and we could take it back with us. I had seen A Heng sleeping in that room yesterday morning and said surely it was in use, but Waipo said it was her bedroom and that she only watched tv in the living room. I could have argued stronger, especially considering the ashtray on the floor by the side of the bed, but thought better of it, and quite fancied setting up the Wii again, so Ling Ming unplugged it and took it back with us. But the kids wanted to come back with me, which was fair enough as they haven't seen me that much recently, so I took them home where we found Tan, who promptly took out Xixi to get her toenails done (Tan's, not Xixi's).

Leilei and I went for a wee ride to Yi Xiao. Until this year I actually thought that this was the name of a street with a couple of toy shops that he loves. Apparently Yi Xiao is the name of a school "Number One Primary School", and it just happens to be the place where there are a few toy shops. But I'd promised to get him a plastic sword to replace one he'd broken earlier in the week. By just pointing at one the owner reduced the price from 5.7 kuai to 4, and then I said he could have another one, an axe, for 3 kuai. On the way back we stopped off in the centre and for the first time since I have been coming here there was no longer the clock saying a quarter to three.

We went inside the new department store and it felt like we had been transported to a different city; downstairs was like a Debenhams with all the perfumes and jewelry and electrical goods. Upstairs was a huge supermarket which gave me hope for fizzy water. I did ask, and despite being told "yes" at first it transpired the answer was "no". I got the kids a couple of cartons of coconut juice anyway before we left. Good old consumerism is officially here to stay. It wasn't just this department store, but the roads are chock a block with expensive foreign imports and iphone 4s are commonplace. There is an embarrassment of riches and it seems that a certain percentage of people just don't know what to do with their money other than flaunt it. I suspect this is common to all countries coming in to new found wealth. Thankfully the price of living in many other ways has not gone up that much, and things like food are still relatively cheap.

Leilei and I were setting up the tv when Tan called to say that Xixi was bored with Tan's nailjob, which was another way of asking if I could pick her up (Xixi, not Tan). I said we'd be 20 minutes or so, which we were but we did sort out the tv and got the Wii working, if not yet playing any games). So after a ride around the town the three of us got back and I finally managed to get them showered and ready for bed by 11pm. Getting them to sleep was another matter as Leilei was reading and Xixi just wanted to have fun. With lights out and finally closed eyes I made my way out of their room only for Leilei to ask where I was going and Xixi to spring up again. Oh well, another 10 mins and they were finally out for the count, and hopefully won't be up too early tomorrow.

Badminton x 2 and huge lunch with Ma Laoban

It was a night of in and out of sleep and I decided I'd be better off out of bed by 7am. My headache had subsided a little and I thought I'd at least try to maintain my recent efforts at keeping fit - healthy body, healthy mind kind of thing. So I filled up with water and took my bat and towel to the old people's leisure centre but to my dismay there was no-one there playing table tennis. When I asked one of the people there why not he just said he didn't know. Although it might not seem like a big thing, this admission of not knowing, rather than giving a possible explanation was very refreshing.

So I decided to go for a walk in the guangchang to see what I could see, as I didn't fancy jogging with a bag on me. I came across a group of men chatting, which didn't seem odd in itself, but I also heard a very noticeable chorus of birdsong, which is notable by its absence here. I worked out that they must have taken out their birds for a, um, sing? There were brown cages dotted around the place, some hanging from trees, some placed on the ground, and the birds were communicating with each other. I understand from Lu Hai that these are fighting birds, and if he is anything to go by the owners sometimes expose the males to the females voices to make them aggressive for fighting. I didn't stay long enough to see any such thing, but I'd like to know what bird this is - maybe Andrew can help here.

Name that tune, name that bird

After walking past an old man singing from a sheet into a microphone attached to a loudspeaker sat on his bicycle for a reason I have yet to fathom, I happened upon a group of people my age or a little older playing badminton. I heard "lao wei lai le" (a foreigner is coming) so I waved and said "hello" to them as I came to watch. It transpired that a couple of them could speak some English, including one who said he was an English teacher, and within a minute I was being asked to join in. I was more than happy to and my level was not far off theirs. My partner and I lost the first game 21-19 to two ladies, but were asked to stay on for another game. This time we beat two other ladies 21-19 as I was more warmed up. By now it was 8.30am and I knew I needed to take the kids to school. I explained this to the group and they told me to come back as they meet every morning at 7am. I intend to do so.

After a shower I got to Waipo's soon after 9am but the kids were still asleep; Leilei with Er Jie and Xixi on the floor with Chuan Chuan. It took a while to get them washed clothed and breakfasted but we got to school around 10am so it wasn't too bad. Back home I pottered about a bit until nearly midday. I was going to pop around to get some jiao zi for lunch and eat at home but I thought better of that idea and gave a couple of friends a ring. Uncle Yellow didn't answer and Zhang Hongping's phone was off, but Ma Laoban was around. He was just about to go and eat at home so I asked him if he wanted to eat with me. He was all for it so I drove down to his computer shop and a few minutes later I was in his car with his wife. I was going to suggest the soup place I like but I didn't know the name of the road, so Ma Laoban suggested a new place that he hadn't been to yet.

This place is near A Xia's shop, and in the baking sun we parked in the shadiest part of the car park, that barely covered the headlights. The restaurant was rather tastefully decorated and specialised in pizza, which wasn't something I was particularly aching for. However, we ordered a 12" cheese pizza and some ham and fruit salad that wasn't my idea. What I hadn't really realised was that we'd also ordered a steak and a portion of noodles too. The noodles were for Ma Laoban's wife, and she got three small bowls and shared it into three portions, then Ma Laoban chopped up his steak into chopstickable portions and we all shared that too. Then the "salad" arrived, which was a huge mound of reformulated diced ham, banana and some other stuff I couldn't recognise. It had an interesting taste and was actually quite nice, if filling. By now I was quite full, but a portion of six mini sausages wrapped in bacon arrived. I guessed we must have not ordered the pizza so bravely ate my two pigs in a blanket and had a sup of my beer.

Then, after a bit of shouting at the waitress, a 12" pizza appeared on our table, complete with three clear gloves like the ones you get at petrol stations for diesel. To be fair it looked ok, although they hadn't cut it properly. I forced myself to eat a slice, which had loads of cheese on it, using one hand in a glove and the other with chopsticks. Unfortunately the glove did not keep out the heat and I kept dropping it into my small bowl, thus disfiguring the shape of the pizza. Although the air-con was working fine I started to sweat now, but there was still three quarters of a pizza to go. We did laugh about how we were stuffed, but then Ma Laoban proceeded to pick up two slices together with his chopsticks and fold them over before putting in my bowl. Of course all the cheese in-between just fell out and went straight into the bottom of the bowl, and I had the choice of eating bread or cheese. I nibbled away at both but had no chance of getting through it. Ma Laoban served himself a slice in order to help me, but his wife wouldn't touch any more. Well we used the time to chat a lot as there was nothing else I could do, until eventually we decided to call it a lunch hour and bagged the last two slices of pizza and mostly uneaten "salad" and go back to his shop. They wouldn't let me pay (and it wasn't cheap - something like 250 kuai) even though I insisted that it was me who invited them....

I refused the invitation to drink tea at his shop, so we just chatted for the next half an hour before I let out a yawn I could hardly stifle, and made my excuses and way home where I had a small digestif before getting some kip. It was not a good sleep though as I kept waking up with heartburn. I don't think I'll be trying any more pizza this year in China.

I had 14 missed calls by the time I got up at 5.45pm. Six were from Yang Haiwei but his phone was busy so I next called A Wu who'd only tried four times. He was with Buss Hu at Hu's company and asked me to come down. I said I would as I'd called Boss Hu yesterday to see how he was. So I drove the seven minutes in the dian dong che, only slowed down by a couple of calls to "hurry up", and met up for a few more cuppas. A Wu had arranged to go to play badminton so I was prepared with my swimming shorts and a change of top. Boss Hu invited us and A Wu's family to eat with his family at a time of our choosing within the next couple of days, which was nice. But we had to leave to go to the leisure centre, so back on the dian dong che and up to the non air-conditioned courts. I kept score while A Wu played, and lost, to some other bloke I didn't know. Then I played the bloke and lost much worse. Then a short, rotund bloke appeared, who seemed to know A Wu and the other bloke, and I was asked to warm up with him. I like playing warm up because there are no scores and you're just hitting it nicely. But that lasted all of three minutes before he told me to "kai shi" (start). I was sopping wet from the previous game and warm up but started anyway. The only good thing about losing 21-6 is that it's not as long as losing 21-(6-x). But going against my better judgement I did play a second game and I did lose 21-8.

Even my portly opponent (who was as sprightly as a spring hare), did not request me to play again. I felt too tired and achy to sit down so slowly paced the circumference of the part of the hall that was not being used for the next few minutes while sipping through my bottle of water. My only break from this routing was to go and get a second bottle and sip through that too. After about ten slow laps I'd regained some consciousness but was glad to see that the others were getting ready to go. As if to seal this I went over to the counter and paid for the water and the court time. 20 kuai for an hour is very decent even for China, despite the lack of air-con. Looking on the positive side, the extra sweat produced was probably a good thing for tummies.

We were to go straightaway to eat duck, so I took the dian dong che while A Wu sorted himself out. A Ni was there with a friend, and I managed a few mouthfuls of duck breast and some lovely greens before A Wu turned up. I was in dire need of a shower so didn't wait for everyone to finish. They didn't seem to mind me leaving the table early.

Once showered for the second badminton reason of the day I went to Waipo's house to see the kids. I decided to take Leilei out by myself as Xixi was being taken out later. We went to a tea house opposite our place for a bit, and A Wu turned up too. As it was a tad boring we drove the 100 yards to the guangchang to go for a walk. I was charged 1 kuai for the privilege of parking the bike and nearly turned away to park on the other side of the road for free before deciding that would look a bit cheap.

Last year I don't think I ever visited the guangchang in the evening once, but it hasn't changed that much except to become even more popular with the locals for dancing, exercising etc. I got Leilei a helicopter type thing that you fling in the air and has a blue and red light on it that you can see as it hovers down. It cost 3 kuai, which I'm sure is three times more than two years ago.

We weren't that interested in the guangchang so I said we'd go down to the seafood place that I went to a lot over the last couple of years. The boss was there, happy as ever to see me and immediately grabbed a couple of stools for us and sat us down with some friends. A large bottle of lemonade was brought for Leilei and of course beer for the men. I had a quick gan bei with each of the five blokes, and a bite to eat, but as I was with Leilei, and he wasn't particularly interested, we only stayed 10 minutes before I promised to come back soon (hopefully they didn't think later that evening).

I took Leilei home and we got washed and ready for bed. It was nice to see him choose to do some reading himself (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) while I caught up on the news and the cricket. He fell asleep at 11 and I think I did so myself for a few minutes as I hit dreamland before realising I had stuff to do at 11.15.

Tan came home after having had a meal with all her friends in the Ming Dian hotel, and although I should have been more tired we didn't sleep till 3am in the end.

Table tennis excess and boss lunch

I was awoken at 6am by Tan telling me not to snore. I couldn't sleep after that so decided to go for a jog again at 7.30. But when I had just started I noticed some movement in the old folks' leisure centre and went to have a look, and noticed there were a couple of people playing table tennis. I was invited to play but didn't have my bat so I popped home and picked it up, together with two bottles of water and a towel. I'd never played in the morning before but it made sense as it was a little cooler. However I was rather out of practice, so caught up with a 62 year old who wasn't actually that much better than me. When thoroughly drenched with sweat (and I was topless), another bloke came along and after two minutes challenged me to five games.

I hoped he had meant best of five but thought better of trying to work this out by asking as I'd find out soon enough anyway. Indeed it was five games up to 11 points, and I lost every one, though by slightly better margins each time. Then before I had the time to gulp some more water another, rather portly chap, came to play me. Barely a rally was played before he told me to start the first of five games again. I was caned 11-3 in the first game but lost the second by only two points. I had noticed he was left-handed so changed my approach and won the next two games to my surprise. At every single point, win or lose, this man let out a huge guffaw in the manor that only Roger Hargreaves could illustrate. However, Mr Table Tennis beat me in the next game and I walked over to shake his hand. Then he said "hai you yi ge" and I realised it was only 2-2 in games. I must have totally imagined I lost the second game as we'd changed sides after every game and I indeed was on the same side I had started on. Despite my best efforts I was somewhat tiring and I lost the finale by two points.

Shattered, I flopped down on the bench and supped the rest of my water while watching Mr Table Tennis proceed to wallop the next bloke who was five times better than me. And then I noticed he was playing with his right hand. The clever bastard had used his weaker hand to beat me and I hadn't noticed. I need to practise.

I didn't get a photo of Mr Table Tennis but he looked rather like this

It was now 9.30am but instead of leaving straight away I found myself embroiled in conversation with a few of the locals. One of the blokes had a northern accent and I found out he'd come to Pingguo in 1992 from the North East to work in the aluminium company and stayed there since. He was now retired but I found out he was only 56...oh what a lovely thought.... The other people were very nice and very positive about me having two kids, especially one of each.

As it was gone 10 I made my excuses and went home, promising to come back soon. I grabbed a shower and tried to grab some rest but couldn't sleep so soon after exercise. Tan woke up a bit later and asked when I'd taken the kids to school. Shit, I'd forgotten about that. I called Waipo, where both had slept last night and indeed they were still at home playing. I went round to see them and Er Jie was there saying "bu gei tamen qu xue xiao" (don't let them get to school). I conferred with Tan on the phone and because Er Jie won't be here for much longer we agreed they didn't have to go it today and Er Jie could take them out to play.

I got a call from Yang Heiwei at 11.30 to ask me to come around to eat. For some reason Tan doesn't like me eating with him so I told her generically that I was going out to eat lunch. He picked me up from outside the house and we went straight to his office where I met up with Boss Huang and a couple of other bosses I recognised from the last couple of years, plus A Wu was there. We spent the next 45 minutes drinking tea as one does when one is a boss, before ordering some food from the restaurant downstairs and then going down there to eat. I was rather hungry and noshed on pig liver with bitter greens, lamb, more pork, and plenty of greens. As one boss left, another came, then A Ni came and said Tan would be coming too, which she did half an hour later, so all in all a fairly long and fairly simple meal.

I got home before 2pm and managed a siesta yet again until 5pm when Tan called me to hurry to Waipo's for food. When I got there she texted to say to not wait for her as she was having her hair done...what a cheek. I'm beginning to think that "kuai yi dian" (hurry up) means more like a simple "ok?" at the end of a sentence rather than anything to make you actually hurry up - certainly I now ignore the hurrying nature of it when told to "kuai yi dian".

As I'd eaten so much at lunchtime and had just got up I didn't have an appetite, but I forced a little down so as not to disappoint Waipo too much. Then I played with the kids as I haven't had that much time with them over the last few days. They were taken out a tad later but I didn't really mind as I was feeling a bit queezy, so I went home to relax.

I found that one of the cute goldfish was lying on the floor slightly floundering and I noticed its stomach was eaten away. Despite the fact we'd fed them it seemed that one of them had started devouring the other - what a piece of shit. After flushing away stomach-less I lay down and I nearly fell asleep again but was almost having minor hallucinations so stayed till Tan came home after midnight and had a bit of the bbq she brought home.

Early morning jog and early evening grub at Jie Jie's

Although I only got to sleep at 1.30am I inexplicably woke up at 3.30am. Try as I might, even counting in German I couldn't get myself back to sleep. I managed 100 in German and Chinese so descended into French where I reached 269 before accepting defeat. Come 6am I decided to make the most of it and go for a jog. I left my phone and only brought my keys with me as I walked out to the guangchang. Despite the early hour, there were a few people with the same idea, and elders just out for the walk clapping their hands together as a means of helping circulation. I haven't jogged for ages but it wasn't hard to remember what to do. I caught up with several people before I realised I was getting very hot and sweaty and tired. I couldn't slow down and let the people I'd overtaken catch up, so I soldiered on until I could see they had taken a different path, then I calmed it down a bit and finished the lap of the guangchang. During the lap I saw some people with personal radios or mp3 players but the main difference was that no-one was using headphones; they all had mini loudspeakers, so I had a little entertainment myself. I forced myself to do a second lap at a slower pace and although I was drenched by the time I got back had a really good feeling about having made it.

After a shower I got the kids up at 8am as for once they had both stayed at home after the karaoke. I took them for breakfast at the dou jiang place we have frequented for the last couple of years where we shared some egg, jiao zi, bao zi, sweetcorn pancake and they drank a warm glass of dou jiang. Ling Ming came to join us as he was going to work, and then Xiao Nong came to pick him up and I took the kids to school.

Outside the breakfast place the kids noticed this cute kitten, and then the lead it was being kept on wrapped around the tree

I was quite tired but stayed awake till 11.30 at which time I rang A Wu and asked if he fancied an early lunch as I was going to have an enforced siesta soon. He told me to wait outside our building and he'd pick me up to go and have noodles. A couple of minutes later I saw the black saloon as it bibbed and pulled up beside me. I opened the door and put my wet foot inside making a dirty stain before realising that it was not A Wu and in fact not even his car. I was rather embarrassed but the driver said it didn't matter. In the meantime A Wu had pulled up behind and seen the whole thing so we had something to laugh about.

So much for noodles - we went to a nice simple place where I ordered sliced fragrant sausage with greens and a fried egg on rice accompanied by a beer to help with the siesta. Then A Wu didn't order because he'd already eaten. Oh well, it was a great meal and the accompanying soup was nice too. The rice was served in a "mu tong" (wooden bucket) and as A Wu explained this to me I asked him if the "tong" was the same as in "ma tong" (western style toilet) and he said that was a disgusting question to ask when talking about food, but that I was correct! The meal and the beer did the trick as back home I managed a sleep till 5pm, by which time I had four missed calls (I never forget to put my phone on silent). I called Tan back and she asked me to dry the clothes before going to a Jie Jie's house near where Waipo lives.

Expecting to take the dian dong che to Jie Jie's I got downstairs after two calls to hurry up, only to find Tan in A Xia's car waiting to take me - could have made that a bit clearer darling.... At Jie Jie's house the air conditioning wasn't working which was a bit annoying as although the rain of the last couple of days had abated, it was still humid and getting hotter. I was still tired and nearly fell asleep sitting on one of the sofas until Tan told me off and Xixi climbed on me. So I went to take a look at the house. It took up the top two floors of the block of flats and the upstairs was even plusher than downstairs, with yet another living room resplendent with huge flat screen tv. The husband of the manor then came in in his police clothes and I gathered he was Treasurer of the police force here. It took another 20 minutes before food was ready when we all piled into the large kitchen (men at one table, ladies at the other) except for the kids and a couple of girls who stayed in the living room.

Two boxes of red wine imported from South Africa were brought out and at least three bottles cracked open. I took one sniff of A Wu's glass and insisted on drinking beer. However, the husband counter-insisted that I have some home made suan mei jiu (prune alcohol) as well which seemed fair enough. I asked him how strong it was and he said 22 degrees. I still don't know what that means really. I know he thought it meant 22%, as others have called Er Gou Tou 56 degrees when they meant 56%, but the most common beer here is qi du, which means 7 degrees, and that is clearly 3.1%. Do degrees equal percentage after a certain strength? I wasn't going to start that conversation at that time. Actually the suan mei jiu was quite nice but I didn't want to start gan bei'ing with it. Unfortunately, during the course of the meal sufficient quantities of beer, wine, and suan mei were imbibed to the extent that even I felt the effects. I once again used Xixi as an excuse for a bit of a pause, and during that time the husband came out and showed me one of the spare rooms where he kept all his home made alcohol, and there were absolutely loads of different types in varying sizes of demijohns.

The ladies having fun (and beer) at Jie Jie's house 

Gan bei'ing at Jie Jie's house with prune alcohol

I got out a little early with the excuse of taking Xixi to Waipo's, then got home soon after 10pm. As I got into the lift I met one of the neighbours with whom I'd briefly chatted recently and said I'd go for a beer with. He asked me to go with him to sing song so I tipsily said I would a bit later and exchanged phone numbers. Upstairs, three minutes later, I got a phone call asking where I was and I realised I must have agreed to go with him there and then. Not wishing any losing of face I put on some long trousers and a shirt and went downstairs where he was waiting outside a car for me. I got in and the driver introduced himself as A Chang, who was a classmate of Tan's in primary school.

I hoped the karaoke place would be close, as in walking distance from home, but it was the one a bit outside town near a lorry park that I'd been to a few years ago and didn't really like. Worse was that the room was empty, and it was now 10.40pm, and I had hoped to just pop in and show my face for a bit. So two of us sat there for a bit while the other arranged his friends. During that time we had a couple of small beers and I sang a couple of songs in a slightly weird atmosphere. Thankfully, within 15 minutes the room had filled up and I only had to re-sing a couple of songs and do a bit of cai mai. I don't particularly like to see women in a drunken state (at least in public) so when the evening fell into a disco state I told A Chang I'd need to leave after having a little dance with the kids. A Chang said he'd take me and that he had to go too. I hoped the latter was true and that this wasn't just to make me feel better, and I got home not that long after midnight.

Registering ourselves and KTV

Though I was bitterly tired I didn't get a wink of sleep during the night, which is not conducive to a good morning. However, I battled through till nearly 8 o'clock when I remembered I needed to register us with the local police. I drove up to the place by the guangchang to find the policeman I have registered with the last few years just starting to open up. When he finished his cigarette he explained something to me that I didn't quite understand - something about how I needed to get some info from the owner of the house we were staying in. I said Tan was the owner but he mentioned something about my mother- or father-in-law. So I got him to write it down on paper. One thing was for sure - I needed to go elsewhere first to get some paperwork before returning.

As it was nearly time for school I drove to Waipo's to find Xixi and get her ready and Waipo gave us a large bag of baby mangoes to take home. Once home I explained to Tan about the paperwork and she said she wasn't sure but that A Xia would help me out. A Xia then popped around in her new MG car to take Xixi to school with me. On the way back she checked out the paper the policeman had written on but didn't know where she should go, so she called her husband, who also didn't know. Then I called A Wu, who did seem to know but put me through to a girl who could speak English ok for some reason.

We finally made it to the police station by the river and as we arrived A Xia said it would rain. Fair enough, there were pregnant clounds above us and I hoped it would wait for a bit. Inside, I explained what I needed and the policewoman in charge let one of the un-uniformed young ladies help me. It took about half an hour to input my information on the new computerised form, not helped by the fact this was obviously her first time. When she finally printed it out I noticed a couple of mistakes but thought better than to mention it. For some reason Leilei and Xixi's forms were far quicker to do as a lot of information was pre-filled. I'm guessing that the system now is actually linked to the visa-issuing system, hence details like their Chinese names etc were already there. But if that was the case why wasn't my information there?

As the process was taking some time I told A Xia to leave and not wait for me. Although it was the decent thing to do I half wished I hadn't when the heavens well and truly split open and let rip a torrential downpour. I finally had my three sheets of paper and asked if I needed anything else. I was answered in the negative, but when I showed placeholders for photos they said I would need photos. "Oh, but it will be too late!", said one of the girls for some reason, thinking I'd need to do the photos before 12pm. Well, luckily I am fairly well prepared for such eventualities and after hailing a san lun che went home and found three passport photos of us (forgetting that the kids' ones were from quite a long time ago - in fact I think Leilei's photo for his visa was from when he was 4).

I got back to the guangchang police station on the dian dong che as the rain had eased down and I was in a bit of a rush as I had a meeting at midday. I got the paperwork done successfully but not until after most of the printed information was copied out by hand on a second set of paperwork....

I made my meeting in time and had finished by 12.30pm. I was shattered, but needed to eat so called A Wu and asked if he wanted to eat something quickly. He did so we went to the duck and goose place and this time had goose and greens with his driver. By 1.30 I was full and home, and as I'd had a reasonably profitable morning I treated myself to a gin and lemonade before having a well overdue sleep till 6pm.

I only had four missed calls, all from Tan asking me to go to Waipo's for tea. This I did before going out again for another round of pool with A Wu. We played 30 kuai for the winner and this time I stupidly lost 4-1. A Wu said he was embarrassed he still owed me 10 kuai as he didn't have change. He said that the amount wasn't important, but the principle! Nice to know some things are like that. I then got a phone call from Tan stating that Ling Ming had invited the family out to karaoke to introduce us to his fiancee (actually officially his wife as they have already signed the papers). It happened to be the KTV which is part of the establishment with the snooker hall, so we wandered over there. When I rang up to see where they were A Wu walked out and up the stairs to the badminton bidding me to follow him. When I caught up he explained it was bad style to turn up before the people had invited you, and he was ashamed! So he played badminton in his trousers for a few minutes until I got the call that they were there.

Er Jie's powerful ending of a modern Chinese classic

It really was a family affair and when I got there Er Jie was in full swing. She has a powerful voice to say the least but can also control it. I managed to record the ending of one of the songs she sang. Most of the adults took the kids home at 11pm and there was only Ling Ming, his fiancee Xiao Nong, and me left. It was like being an anti-gooseberry as they actually wanted me to stay with them and drink beer and sing some English songs, so I did so as not to be rude, though I really could have done with going home - it's not the same doing karaoke in a mostly empty room.

Leilei sporting a sporty new haircut and Xixi doing her best to look...err? 

Four men don't fit on a bike

We had a slight logistics problem at 9am as I couldn't physically get the three boys on the dian dong che. Then Nong Kaicheng said he needed to go to his mum's for an English lesson anyway, so I took him there and told Leilei and A Da to get a san lun che to school. That worked out pretty well as I needed to go and pick up Xixi and take her from Waipo's house. They are not a quarter as clingy at school as they were last year so I was able to leave them without too much fuss but not before I blew Xixi the biggest red balloon in the class.

I wasn't feeling particularly well and decided to go back to bed, but unfortunately I didn't get to sleep till gone 2pm and then didn't get up till nearly 6pm. That did the trick a bit, and set me up for the evening which was necessary because I ended up working till 2am. It's a small price to pay for the privilege of being able to spend so much time here.

Two cute little goldfish living in water oxygenated by the roots of a plant? 

Meal with teachers

We've only been here two full days but it feels like a week already.

Woke up at 8am and later took Xixi over to Waipo's. Leilei had apparently gone to school with his two mates so I had a fairly relaxing morning, and went out to buy some jiao zi. At 37p that will be one of my cheapest, and probably most common meals this summer at least when I'm working. I conjured up my sleeping powers and managed a brief siesta until A Wu called me to play "snooker" again. I asked if we were going to play badminton too and he said no as we were going for a meal with A Da's headteacher afterwards.

Unfortunately, for some reason I just couldn't aim while playing pool, and A Wu had realised that smacking the balls around wasn't conducive to winning, so was taking tamer and more accurate shots. I only lost 2-1 because of a couple of huge flukes on A Wu's part, or "fate" as he'd probably call it...I can see why this version of the rules is popular here as there is a lot more room for luck.

I had a blue three-fingered glove on my right and a black one on my left. Ronnie O'Sullivan eat your heart out.

We had to leave at 5.15pm as A Wu had invited the teachers and as such you have to ensure you're at the restaurant half an hour before anyone else. As it was this was a good move because they'd forgotten to turn on the air conditioning in our large private room - a cardinal sin here.

By 6.15pm the headteacher, A Da's teacher for next year and a couple of other blokes had arrived, as well as Tan, A Ni, and our kids. There looked to be too many places laid and chairs set up so about five were moved to the side so it wouldn't look too empty. When two more blokes came we were hungry enough to ask the main waitress to serve our soups. This quickly descended into starting on everything else on the electric revolving table, and over the next 20 mins or so a few more blokes came in, including the Nanning blokes.

Eventually, when the initial pangs of hunger were sated, beer and white alcohol were served (you either drink one or t'other - no mixing). Although you might expect teachers in front of their pupils' parents to go easy on the bottle it was quite the opposite. I should have known as I met the headteacher to "drink tea" last year where they were guzzling cold red wine with ice cubes. What followed was a lot of gan bei'ing, as every bloke had to do it with every other bloke, and the only women were Tan, A Ni, and A Da's teacher. Of course with so many blokes, people lose count of who they've gan bei'd with, so you get repeats. I thought better of telling the first bloke who double-gan bei'd me that he'd already done so as I didn't want to induce any losing of face.

Having a meal with A Da's headmaster and various others

Being the foreigner I think I got more of my share of gan beis, so I needed a plan for a pause if only to let the bubbles settle. Not for the first time I used the kids. I mentioned swimming and within a few minutes all three of them decided they wanted to go. That gave me the chance to take them to Waipo's house across the way and I eked out 15 minutes of relaxation.

But I didn't want to be too unsociable so I made my way back to the restaurant and found the blokes in full swing playing cai ma. The bloke on my right had apparently started on the bloke on my left (the headteacher) with four rounds of first-to-four. By the time I got there and worked out what was going on he was three people away from finishing the table. He promptly did this and I found out he'd beaten every single person and only I was left. I was glad I'd had my break as he walloped me 4-0 on the first round. I protested that I wasn't used to playing in Mandarin and he said fine we'll play in Bai Hua (Guangxi Cantonese with a bit of local language mixed in). To the delight of the whole table I won the second round 4-2 and received a round of applause! But miracles were not to happen and I lost the last two heavily. I am still trying to work out just how some people can be so much better, so regularly, than others. I'm quite good as I can be fairly random, but to move up the ranks I'm going to have to quickly identify patterns in others, then perform fake patterns myself to lull my opponent into a false sense of security. All this sounds a lot easier when you're 100% sober.

Eventually, when things showed no signs of letting up, I made my excuses and said I'd have to leave. This was accepted, but not before just about everyone left gan bei'd me again. I'm not sure I'd have drunk more if I'd stayed. But it was nice to get out into fresh air, and I walked home before realising it was only 9.30pm and I'd committed the sin of not going for a headwash within two days of arriving! With the wife and kids taken care of I unguiltily took the dian dong che to the place I've frequented with A Wu many times in the past. They all remembered me there and immediately got a young lady to settle me down. The next 50 minutes would have been total bliss if A Wu hadn't started calling about half way through. I told him to come around and he said he would but he didn't, so I said I'd see him later. I was so comfortable I took the most expensive 35 kuai shampoo (there was 25 and 20 too) and even let the girl crack my neck. I still can't believe that you are supposedly paying for the shampoo and not someone's time. I left relaxed and soberer and made my way home, where I found A Ni and A Wu, the latter a bit the worse for wear.

I'd given A Wu three bottles of duty free earlier in the day and he insisted on giving me 1000 kuai for them. Firstly I insisted they were presents, and then that they were only worth about 300 anyway. He was having none of it and explaining that he would give them to other bosses, who in turn would do business deals with him, and therefore he would make more money. I've never heard him be so explicit about something so obvious.

I made him drink some cold lemonade with ice cubes (using up the only mixer I currently have for the Gordons), and he seemed to enjoy that, before lying down on our sofa. I called A Ni to take him home which she did at midnight finally.

A Da and Nong Kaicheng came over to stay the night for a change, which must be Leilei's first night here since we arrived. They looked cozy together but will probably not want to see the picture of themselves in the future.

Three boys sideways in a bed

I stayed up later than I should and found I had an email from work asking me to work tomorrow. Oh well, half expected really.

Badminton, pool, KTV, bbq...

Got up at 8am due to the noise. It's not just the traffic noise that gets through, it's more the beeping and occasional loud speakers playing music from cars advertising things. But you can get used to that - today it was the sound of drilling from not far away. Even though our place was opened two years ago, not all the flats are decorated yet, and here decorating means a lot of infrastructural work like doing the plumbing. I had hoped this wouldn't be the case as this year, unlike last, the lifts have had their protective wooden boards removed from the walls and floor, meaning that it is not expected to be bringing building materials inside. But I've noticed that one of the flats next door has yet to be decorated, as is the same for a few more around us.

Leilei had slept at A Da's place last night, so was not to be seen. Tan pottered about with Xixi and I was able to fall asleep again, despite the noise, till 11am...luxury. Then I took Xixi to Waipo's to have lunch. She would hardly touch her zhou, even though Waipo poured sugar into it, so I took her and Leilei out to a place I know that does a nice sliced sausage with greens and bamboo on rice, and offers free warm tea to customers. Neither of them seemed that interested in eating so I only ordered one portion and bought them a can of sweet tea each. Eventually Leilei had some sausage and rice, and Xixi a bowl of soup. I'm not one for forcing kids to eat - they will eat when they are hungry and I don't want them to associate eating with being told off. I think I'll be fighting a losing battle with that one - if they had their way they'd only eat sweets, but actually that might be ok in a way as we lose our first set of teeth anyway so maybe that's how we evolved.

I needed to register our presence in Pingguo so we picked up our passports and drove to the police station. As we were arriving (and noticed it was closed) Lin Hong rang me to tell me to bring the kids around to her house and play with Tian Tian and Pei Pei "big sisters". I duly did, but Leilei didn't want to play with the girls which is fair enough, so we went home. It didn't take long before A Da called me to ask where Leilei was. I said he was here and that he could come around if he liked. However, I had started to get a feeling in my bottom I'm only too familiar with and left my phone with Leilei and quickly made a move to the toilet. In the few minutes I was there A Da had called again, and Leilei had let him and Nong Kaicheng in. It was good to see the boys playing so nicely, even if it was just silly computer games on the Internet.

A Da, Nong Kaicheng and Leilei being a bit geeky and looking very silly

I conjured up my newly found dozing skills and managed forty winks or so while the lads played in the living room. One of the ways I sometimes manage to let myself fall into the arms of morpheus is to count each exhalation of breath in German. Not that I can speak it but counting is ok. And the fact that it is not a language I speak I suppose makes my brain concentrate on it rather than more exciting things. I find I can rarely get beyond 25 before either I forget where I am or I nod off. My one concern is that I become so familiar with counting in German that it no longer requires brain work. But I am prepared...I will just have to learn to count in another language. Logically that will run out too but if I become insomniacal in the future at least I'll know I can count to 25 in 200 languages.

My office (that bloody balloon has travelled all the way from London)

Tan called me to ask to bring the kids around to eat at A Hua's at 5pm. This I duly did and it was nice to see the house we lived in four years ago when we were here for three months. A Hua and her family are now living here full time and have done it up a bit more and it looks really nice. I said goodbye to the kids and then Tan asked why I was leaving. Apparently A Hua had invited all of us, not just the kids, though Tan hadn't explained that part to me. I said I'd arranged to play badminton (in English, so as not to embarrass A Hua, and also because I remembered it was Saturday). Tan asked me who I was playing with and I nearly said A Wu, but remembered that A Wu had gone to play with A Dong who is A Xia's husband, and I thought that would go down better. When I told her she changed her mind and told me to go and play badminton instead. Cool.

I got to the badminton place by the guangchang and went upstairs. It was like before but now instead of painted lines on the wooden floor they had laid special badminton court-rugs. I played a couple of games with A Wu, who has been practising for the last few years and lost 21-10 and 21-12, and then had to play the maestro A Dong. I was sopping sweating wet and tired due to lack of exercise but forced myself anyway. At 13-0 down I was in danger of being whitewashed but I clawed back to lose 21-3. The only moral victory was getting back to the bench in one piece to finish my water. A Wu wanted to go to play "snooker" but I said I needed a shower first, which he didn't look too happy about. But I took the one minute journey home and grabbed myself one anyway. When I got to the security man at the gate of our block he asked me if I'd been drinking alcohol, and I realised my face must have beed that red after the exercise. When I got out of the shower I had a missed call and a text from A Wu telling me he'd decided to do the same and would pick me up in a bit to go and eat duck.

We drove to another place we frequented last year that specialises in duck and goose, and ordered a half of the former and some greens. Surprisingly this was a simple meal with just us two and no private rooms. That was until we realised we'd never finish the huge portion of duck so we invited the Nanning blokes around. Well they'd actually eaten so we bagged the quarter duck that was left and drove to the snooker hall.

Snooker was actually pool, despite all the pictures of snooker players in the hall. I'd played last year and remembered to bring back the VIP card A Wu had given me then. There are about 20 tables each about 8' long and they are very fast. A Wu wanted to play for money - 20 kuai to the winner, so I said make it 30. Then I thought I'd better check the rules...well actually I ended up picking them up as I went along, which was a bit of an advantage to A Wu. It's similar to British pool except if you foul you have to take one of your balls out of a pocket and put it on the black spot. If there are already balls there you just push them down a bit until your ball goes on the spot (I suspect that is an A Wu rule). Instead of reds and yellows it's 1-7s spots and 9-15s stripes with 8 being the black. There is no 'D' so when the white goes in it has its own spot, and you can only shoot down the table.

I learnt just about all of these rules during one shot; A Wu had fouled but the black had come up the table to just below the white spot. As there was no 'D' I had no choice but to hit the black and foul straight back. But I got my own back; A Wu's only ball was on the black spot (the one he'd just had to replace due to sinking the white) so I left the white just above the black spot. He would have had a relatively easy shot but of course I had fouled, so had to retrieve one of my balls and place it neatly in-between the white and his ball, thus snookering him. I got the last laugh as he fouled his next shot and I ended up winning the game.

He didn't like my thoughtful approach to the game and leaving balls hanging over pockets - his idea was to just whack the easiest ball and if it doesn't go in hopefully it would go in another pocket. However, the same kept happening to the white too, so although he was down to the black he ended up with about five balls on the table by the end of the game. Having said that he fluked the next game before we started the third. I then got a call from Li Kun, whom I'd called earlier in the day to let know I was in town. He had said he'd meet me later but I wasn't expecting to go just then so I said I'd be about 10 minutes. What happened then was the longest bloody pool game in history. I didn't want to keep Li Kun waiting so I tried to see off A Wu quickly, but it was a case of more haste, less speed. So I tried a different approach of trying to lose, but couldn't play as badly as my opponent. I had another call from Li Kun asking where I was but A Wu said not to worry he could wait. Finally I beat him and rang Li Kun to tell him I was on my way. A Wu stayed in the snooker hall so I walked the five minutes to Old Tree cafe where Li Kun was waiting outside.

I hadn't realised he was going to book a whole booth, or that his wife, daughter, brother, sister-in-law and their daughter would be there and I'd held them up from ordering. Actually I should have expected that. Anyway we had some nice nibbles and a few Li Quan qi du beers before I got a phone call from Tian Tian saying Xixi wanted to go home. I told her to bring her to Old Tree and I would look after her. Xixi was a bit cold to Li Kun's two year old, and the other 10 year old girl at first, but eventually started talking to the latter about the menu before announcing she wanted the purple juice drink. I still don't know what it was, but she liked it before putting ice cubes in it and announcing it was too cold. Then, as kids sometimes do with cups with straws, she tilted it as she was drinking and I had a nice big purple cold spillage down my shorts.

At least she went off to play with the others for a bit while the dads talked and the women smiled. Not that long after though she refused to ask where the toilets were and the consequences were more see-through than purple and less fragrant. That marked the end of the evening, which, being 11.30pm was not such a bad thing. We said our thank yous and goodbyes and walked the two minute walk home for a shower.

As Xixi wasn't too tired I took her to the Ming Dian hotel where A Dong, the bloke who killed me at badminton, was having his birthday party. It was a busy affair with quite a few kids and I didn't really fancy staying. I didn't really fancy going to karaoke either but A Wu had texted me asking me to go as the blokes we met in Nanning were there. So I made my excuses and headed off home where I was picked up by A Wu three minutes later.

We went to the same place we went for Tan's birthday last year (not to be repeated this year I hope). It was incredibly noisy and most of the inhabitants were rather the worse for wear, including one girl who was plastered and could barely sit up. As I was very sober I had to gan bei with everyone with my least favourite beer sold here: 2.5% Pabst Blue Ribbon. And then the old cliché of singing the two songs I know in Chinese, plus Hey Jude (to the accompaniment of the aforementioned girl vomiting on the floor).


I was quite glad to leave but instead of going home we stopped off for some bbq outside the guang chang, which has become our local because the previous favourite, Tian Yang Po no longer works. For some reason I was completely crap at cai ma and had to drink copious amounts of Li Quan until 3am when even I was glad to hear Tan calling me to ask where I was. We all decided to call it a night and the Nanning blokes drove off in their nice new car, as did A Wu in his. I was probably the soberest and insisted on walking the 200 yards back home to find Xixi asleep with Tan in our bed. Apparently Leilei was sleeping at Nong Kaicheng's house so I took his room and went straight to sleep.

Definitely back in Pingguo

Happy Birthday Thomas!

Despite being knackered I couldn't sleep more than 10 mins at a time till around 7am before managing a couple of hours until Tan and the kids got up. I managed to stay in bed while Tan took them to Waipo's for breakfast and dump them off there, leaving me the luxury of a little more sleep till 11am.

I hadn't really trusted that our SIM cards would still be working this year, despite the assurances of the young ladies at China Telecom and A Wu, but I was glad to be proved wrong as it's really useful not to have to tell dozens of people your new number again. Last night I made the wise choice of putting my phone on mute while I slept, but surprisingly I only had one text by the time I got up.

I am very familiar with this view of Pingguo as every time I take the lift downstairs I have 45 seconds to imbibe it. Neither remarkable or serene, I still remark on it and it makes me feel serene

I popped around to see Waipo and the kids when I got up, and she seemed genuinely glad to see me again. Xixi was eating some sweets and I found Leilei with A Da, Nong Kaicheng and Qiqi (Tan's 2nd sister's son) and another friend in one of the bedrooms. Qiqi seemed nearly in tears and wouldn't say a word. I walked out and played with Xixi for a few minutes before I heard the bedroom door slam. Qiqi was standing there in the corridor with a plastic machine gun in his hands looking very angry indeed. He proceeded to smash the gun against the door which made it break into many pieces, then punched and kicked the door before letting out one of the most disturbingly piercing and deafening shrieks I've ever had the misfortune to be in the vicinity of. I tried to get him to calm down by talking to him but he just let out another harpie screech and banged the door again. I didn't know what exactly had happened but he's now 10 years old and as heavy as some people twice his age, and I didn't want Xixi or anyone else being the subject of any violence, even if not intended. I called Tan, who said he'd been great with the kids earlier, and then Waipo went to calm him down and Chuan chuan took Xixi out. I don't think the fact that his mum lives in another town helps things. I'm not even sure where he lives - maybe he's just here for the holiday, but it's either growing pains or a rather extreme tantrum.

By the time I got home A Wu was calling me to go and eat lunch. Breakfast-less, I agreed, and went downstairs where A Wu, his driver and two bosses were already waiting for me in A Wu's black Toyota he bought while we were here last year.

The driver was the same bloke who drove us from the airport yesterday allowing A Wu to have a couple of beers. I don't know his name but I guess having your own driver is a step up the social ranking ladder. I was introduced to Boss Luo and Boss Yang, from a bank in Nanning. I didn't ask as to the nature of their visit but they seemed pleasant enough. Instead of going to get something to eat we went to A Wu's work place a few minutes outside Pingguo. A Wu was explaining to the bosses how it all worked, and of course we all sat down and drank tea there. This time it was "gno mi" cha. I'm not exactly sure what this is but it is brown and slightly sweet, and rather nice. After about 45 minutes we moved on to another work site, which I didn't quite understand, but it meant I was getting hungrier. Finally we got back in the car to go to eat. Or so I hoped. We went back to A Wu's work place and spent another 20 minutes surveying the rocks before finally I got in another car with one of A Wu's colleagues and we all drove to Li Jia He Xian, the restaurant we have most frequently frequented for the last few years.

A Wu's stone producing work is still going strong

Apart from the fish dishes, which I avoid as they tend to give me la du, the food was as good as always. After 15 minutes a couple of beers were cracked open and I had to do a couple of gan beis due to meeting people for the first time. Boss Luo didn't drink. He said it was because last year he drank four bottles of Er Gou Tou (nasty 56% rice alcohol that Venky was sick on). I'm not sure if he's off the sauce for good and didn't enquire either. Other than that only the driver did not imbibe. And then during the meal two more blokes came in thus more gan bei'ing. It was a good-natured meal and Boss Yang was quite red-faced by the time we left. We bade our farewells and I was told to call them when next in Nanning. This happened last year with my name-mate Mr Peng, but I never ended up spending any time there. I'm hoping that this year I'll make amends for that and give him a bell one year later. Like last year, the clothes we'd left here now smelt a little musty and needed to be washed. Also, Tan had asked me to wash the pillows and duvets. It sounded wrong to wash pillows so I presumed she meant pillow cases, which I dutifully did, along with the bedsheets. Later, it transpired she actually did mean to wash the pillows. I tried putting two pillows in the washing machine but they had to be stuffed in and surely wouldn't have washed. So I put in one plus a few clothes and it ended up that neither the pillow nor the clothes were properly clean, and certainly had not dried a bit during the spin cycle. However, at least the pillow no longer smelt. I've noticed that my suit is also a bit stained due to age and I don't reckon there'll be a dry cleaners here. I also don't reckon I'll need to wear a suit but at least I'm prepared just in case.

I managed a couple of hours' siesta on my own back home as Tan was out with friends and the kids were at Waipo's, also with friends. It wasn't easy getting up at 6.30pm but the consequences of sleeping later would have been severe: a missed meal and no sleep for ages. Actually we didn't have a normal evening meal; rather Tan wanted to go for bbq later in the evening when it was dark. So I took the opportunity to go to the supermarket to catch up on provisions - washing powder and fabric conditioner and a few other bits and bobs. I was happy that my membership card for the supermarket still worked, but I still have no idea what swiping it every time I make a purchase means - one day I'll hopefully get a super-discount.

I gave Tan a call while in the supermarket to ask if she wanted anything, but I'd covered her needs with the washing stuff, except she also wanted to get a hoover. WTF? A hoover in a small apartment with wooden floors? Apparently wiping the floor doesn't get rid of the dust. Well that is bollocks and I refuse to get a vacuum cleaner for the few weeks we are here - honestly.... Anyway she said she was with A Ni chatting outside A Xia's shop as per usual and I was to pick up Xixi and take her there. Then A Hua called me and I told her the women were at A Xia's and she should go there as she hasn't yet seen Tan this year.

While leaving supermarket I noticed that they still sell Gordons Gin in a separate section so I got a wee bottle in the hope of finding something to mix it with. Awl had come up with a genius idea a few weeks ago: buy some concentrate tonic water and mix it with fizzy water in Pingguo. So indeed I ordered a couple of bottles of Sodastream concentrated tonic from Argos before I left. It was an almost flawless idea, based on the fact that tonic water does not exist in Guangxi. Unfortunately, the only flaw was that fizzy water also appears not to exist in Pingguo. Try as I might I couldn't find fizzy water for love nor money - I'm going to have to arrange a trip to Nanning to sort that out.

As I was walking back home, past the guangchang, I met Tan and A Ni getting off a san lun che. There was no look of unexpectedness as you might expect from someone you thought was in a completely different place - what about if I had gone to A Xia's shop as arranged? Apparently Xixi had gone out with Lin Hong so I didn't need to take her, and Tan and A Ni were going to go for some bbq in a bit. I asked Tan if my trusty steed, the dian dong che (electric bike) was available and she said it was broken. A Ni overheard me and told me to wait a sec while she made a call. A minute later she told me to go and pick it up from a bloke at A Hua's house. So in two minutes I'd had as many total contradictions - it does feel like I'm back in Pingguo.

I dumped off the shopping at home and walked to A Hua's place. On the way A Wu called and asked me to go and drink tea. As it happened he was just around the corner from A Hua's place, which was convenient. Instead of "some bloke", A Hua herself was waiting by my dian dong che. It was older, dustier, and a bit more dilapidated than before but it was still like seeing an old friend, except she'd put on the pole at the front that you can stick an umbrella into. I also bumped into A Hua's mum and Lao Pan, who seemed happy to see me again. Then I drove all of 20 seconds to meet A Wu. This time he actually was in a tea shop drinking tea. There were a couple of women and a couple of blokes, and A Wu bought me my own tea cup for 30 kuai. This cup will stay in the tea shop and will have my name on it and every time I come in I will use it to drink from. Sort of like having your own tankard at the local pub, except does that actually happen?.

We drank for about half an hour till half nine, by which time it was time to eat, so we drove to the bbq place run by Tan's aunt and found the ladies with the kids and a couple of blokes. Although I stayed for an hour or so I didn't really have that much to eat, and then Xixi was obviously getting very tired so I took her home to shower and sleep at 11pm. With Xixi sleeping in our bed, Tan arrived an hour later laden with bags of clothes A Xia had given for her and the kids. She insisted on giving a fashion show and I had to comment on how everything looked. Instead of just saying "looks lovely, dear" about every item I actually do look and tell her if her arse looks big or the colours don't go together. Although she says to others I don't know anything about fashion she actually nearly always asks me if her clothes are ok before she goes out (something she would vehemently deny if asked!).

Xixi chose the chilli bbq'd duck tongues herself and munched through them! Should I show this pic to her English classmates?

Although pretty tired I stayed up late just so I could have some time to myself and sort out my study with the geeky stuff I'd bought. Unfortunately we don't now have a telly, rather a large computer monitor that is fine because I've set up Awl's old laptop on it but sometimes you just want to watch tv without setting up a laptop first. After my geeky chores I eventually got to bed at 4.15am

Journey back to Pingguo for the umpteenth time

Happy Birthday mum!

Wow, I just got some kip, maybe the better part of five hours. I must say I am impressed by this aeroplane. It is obviously nearly brand new (not that unexpected on a new route as they are trying to impress customers), but the leg room is so much they must have removed a few rows of seats to incorporate it. I actually thought we might be in Economy Premier or something - even the trays in front of us were almost too far away from us to eat comfortably. It was delightful to get some sleep on a 12 hour journey with kids - it really does get easier (though a couple of whiskies may have helped). Recently I have been finding it possible to grab micro sleeps due to multiple forays to Belgium on the first Eurostar out. It means getting up before 6am and driving to Ebbsfleet, but I have recently managed to get a bit of shut-eye on the train - something that I didn't even manage when up at 4.30am to get the train from St Pancras after City won the Premier League...maybe I was more excited then.

The ability to grab a few minutes of impromptu sleep is more important than many people appreciate, but not me as I've been the victim of the inability for almost all my life. It can literally turn a forgettable evening into a great one, and possibly could help ensure a business deal.

We had no worries at arriving 20 minutes late at Guangzhou as we'd have a good three hours to make our connection, which was handy as soon after we arrived we had our first Oriental experience. We were waiting for our luggage as we'd been told in London (as per every year we've been coming) that we'd need to retrieve it and check it in again in Guangzhou. Fair enough, I mean this happens in the USA too (though quite annoying). But this time after a while our luggage had not appeared. In fact there was very little luggage, presumably as many people were en route to New Zealand. Presently, a bloke explained to us that our luggage may have been put on its way to Nanning. Well if so that's very nice but it would have been nice to know as I had four bottles of booze in my hand luggage and we'd still have to do security again. We were told that we could bring our duty free though security (we'd just about managed this last year in Frankfurt) but we'd need our receipts. Typically, although I had mine, Tan had left her perfume receipts in the plane. After more discussion it was apparent that the most convenient course of action would be to check in my hand luggage with the booze and add Tan's perfume. It took the addition of my coat and a jumper in order to cushion the bottles, but I deemed it worthwhile due to the warm airport and we wrapped our presents in the hope of seeing them intact a bit later. I would actually have done this even if the airport was freezing. Tan then made some more expensive perfume purchases she apparently hadn't had time to do in Heathrow.

I had a fairly manic hour when I was stuck in emergency meetings with work on Skype in the airport. It was not great but I got most of my points across. Despite how easy it should be to use Skype these days it's amazing how so many conversations begin with "can you hear me ok?"...just like the early days.

The kids were ok and our flight was only delayed 15 mins and I suppose the turbulence wasn't bad because no-one else on the plane noticed it. We arrived shortly before 11pm and it was genuinely nice to see our family again, together with a couple of blokes who also picked us up last year.

After fussing about in the 38 degree heat for a quarter of an hour we finally got in a couple of cars and drove out of the airport for...about three minutes. Then we stopped. Apparently Tan had asked A Ni to get some bbq so we'd stopped on the side of the road to eat it. Why not? It was rather delicious and A Wu brought out a couple of packs of cans of beer and we all had a minor feast. Although A Wu and I had had a big hug in the airport, the others merely raised hands to each other in a way I am perfectly used to now. We were nearly home.

Pei Pei, Lin Hong, and A Wu bringing out the beers for a roadside bbq

Leilei and Xixi had been a little shy after getting off the plane but within half an hour in A Wu's car they were calling him names like "A Wu Uncle bottom" and "A Wu Uncle no-nose" which amused most of us for the 90 minute journey home. I nearly dropped off a couple of times before finally making it after the car with Tan and the other ladies. By the time we'd got to our house all the suitcases were there but no unpacking done. It was 1.15am but we spent till 2 o'clock chatting before our family/friends left and we started to unpack. It was mostly done by 3.30am but the kids were still awake. Eventually Leilei came into our room at 5am and we had no energy to turf him out.

A Da, Leilei, and Xixi acting like zombies - they would not give me any other pose

Back to China 2012

Despite the fact that I had planned this date three months ago it ended up being one of the most stressful days I have ever known, despite the fact that I refuse to acknowledge the concept of stress. Normally (it never seemed normal until this year), it was just a case of booking flights, recoiling at the cost of them, and then dealing with it. This year we'd bought the flights including the internal flights at great expense, but actually they were slightly cheaper than last year because the cost of the internal flights was a cool grand for us four from Beijing to Nanning. This year we're flying from London to Guangzhou direct (thanks, China Southern) and have already included our flights from Guangzhou to Nanning (to be seen how goes as currently en route to Guangzhou).

The queue in Heathrow looked bad when I got there at 7.40pm, nearly three hours in advance. Tan and the kids had taken the taxi and unfortunately been delayed nearly an hour so we only got into the queue at nearly half eight for our half ten flight. It took well over an hour, during which I should have been working as we had had a very bad day at work with a needy client. I had been lumbered with a 96 page document full of comments that I was told I needed to sort out. Well I did the best I could, assuming I'd be able to work for a couple of hours in the airport. As it transpired I didn't have the time for a bite to eat, let alone work. All in all a very regrettable situation.

Well, that was out of my hands. The kids were ok, and understandably excitable. Xixi had slept in the taxi, but not Leilei. They dealt with the long queue better than us adults and finally we made our way through security and even managed to get some duty free before boarding.

So far the flight has been ok. I must have missed the life-jacket warnings as I was checking something on my phone as we took off. The first time I have been so un-nerved for such an event (and the first time I have missed the warnings to turn electronic devices off unless China Southern have become the first airline to realise that such things do not warrant a danger). So far we are four hours into the flight and the wife and kids are asleep but I just can't do so (it is about 3am UK time). Please let me get some kip!!

Leilei and Xixi looking less than impressed at the legroom on the nice flight to Guangzhou