Four men don't fit on a bike

We had a slight logistics problem at 9am as I couldn't physically get the three boys on the dian dong che. Then Nong Kaicheng said he needed to go to his mum's for an English lesson anyway, so I took him there and told Leilei and A Da to get a san lun che to school. That worked out pretty well as I needed to go and pick up Xixi and take her from Waipo's house. They are not a quarter as clingy at school as they were last year so I was able to leave them without too much fuss but not before I blew Xixi the biggest red balloon in the class.

I wasn't feeling particularly well and decided to go back to bed, but unfortunately I didn't get to sleep till gone 2pm and then didn't get up till nearly 6pm. That did the trick a bit, and set me up for the evening which was necessary because I ended up working till 2am. It's a small price to pay for the privilege of being able to spend so much time here.

Two cute little goldfish living in water oxygenated by the roots of a plant? 

Meal with teachers

We've only been here two full days but it feels like a week already.

Woke up at 8am and later took Xixi over to Waipo's. Leilei had apparently gone to school with his two mates so I had a fairly relaxing morning, and went out to buy some jiao zi. At 37p that will be one of my cheapest, and probably most common meals this summer at least when I'm working. I conjured up my sleeping powers and managed a brief siesta until A Wu called me to play "snooker" again. I asked if we were going to play badminton too and he said no as we were going for a meal with A Da's headteacher afterwards.

Unfortunately, for some reason I just couldn't aim while playing pool, and A Wu had realised that smacking the balls around wasn't conducive to winning, so was taking tamer and more accurate shots. I only lost 2-1 because of a couple of huge flukes on A Wu's part, or "fate" as he'd probably call it...I can see why this version of the rules is popular here as there is a lot more room for luck.

I had a blue three-fingered glove on my right and a black one on my left. Ronnie O'Sullivan eat your heart out.

We had to leave at 5.15pm as A Wu had invited the teachers and as such you have to ensure you're at the restaurant half an hour before anyone else. As it was this was a good move because they'd forgotten to turn on the air conditioning in our large private room - a cardinal sin here.

By 6.15pm the headteacher, A Da's teacher for next year and a couple of other blokes had arrived, as well as Tan, A Ni, and our kids. There looked to be too many places laid and chairs set up so about five were moved to the side so it wouldn't look too empty. When two more blokes came we were hungry enough to ask the main waitress to serve our soups. This quickly descended into starting on everything else on the electric revolving table, and over the next 20 mins or so a few more blokes came in, including the Nanning blokes.

Eventually, when the initial pangs of hunger were sated, beer and white alcohol were served (you either drink one or t'other - no mixing). Although you might expect teachers in front of their pupils' parents to go easy on the bottle it was quite the opposite. I should have known as I met the headteacher to "drink tea" last year where they were guzzling cold red wine with ice cubes. What followed was a lot of gan bei'ing, as every bloke had to do it with every other bloke, and the only women were Tan, A Ni, and A Da's teacher. Of course with so many blokes, people lose count of who they've gan bei'd with, so you get repeats. I thought better of telling the first bloke who double-gan bei'd me that he'd already done so as I didn't want to induce any losing of face.

Having a meal with A Da's headmaster and various others

Being the foreigner I think I got more of my share of gan beis, so I needed a plan for a pause if only to let the bubbles settle. Not for the first time I used the kids. I mentioned swimming and within a few minutes all three of them decided they wanted to go. That gave me the chance to take them to Waipo's house across the way and I eked out 15 minutes of relaxation.

But I didn't want to be too unsociable so I made my way back to the restaurant and found the blokes in full swing playing cai ma. The bloke on my right had apparently started on the bloke on my left (the headteacher) with four rounds of first-to-four. By the time I got there and worked out what was going on he was three people away from finishing the table. He promptly did this and I found out he'd beaten every single person and only I was left. I was glad I'd had my break as he walloped me 4-0 on the first round. I protested that I wasn't used to playing in Mandarin and he said fine we'll play in Bai Hua (Guangxi Cantonese with a bit of local language mixed in). To the delight of the whole table I won the second round 4-2 and received a round of applause! But miracles were not to happen and I lost the last two heavily. I am still trying to work out just how some people can be so much better, so regularly, than others. I'm quite good as I can be fairly random, but to move up the ranks I'm going to have to quickly identify patterns in others, then perform fake patterns myself to lull my opponent into a false sense of security. All this sounds a lot easier when you're 100% sober.

Eventually, when things showed no signs of letting up, I made my excuses and said I'd have to leave. This was accepted, but not before just about everyone left gan bei'd me again. I'm not sure I'd have drunk more if I'd stayed. But it was nice to get out into fresh air, and I walked home before realising it was only 9.30pm and I'd committed the sin of not going for a headwash within two days of arriving! With the wife and kids taken care of I unguiltily took the dian dong che to the place I've frequented with A Wu many times in the past. They all remembered me there and immediately got a young lady to settle me down. The next 50 minutes would have been total bliss if A Wu hadn't started calling about half way through. I told him to come around and he said he would but he didn't, so I said I'd see him later. I was so comfortable I took the most expensive 35 kuai shampoo (there was 25 and 20 too) and even let the girl crack my neck. I still can't believe that you are supposedly paying for the shampoo and not someone's time. I left relaxed and soberer and made my way home, where I found A Ni and A Wu, the latter a bit the worse for wear.

I'd given A Wu three bottles of duty free earlier in the day and he insisted on giving me 1000 kuai for them. Firstly I insisted they were presents, and then that they were only worth about 300 anyway. He was having none of it and explaining that he would give them to other bosses, who in turn would do business deals with him, and therefore he would make more money. I've never heard him be so explicit about something so obvious.

I made him drink some cold lemonade with ice cubes (using up the only mixer I currently have for the Gordons), and he seemed to enjoy that, before lying down on our sofa. I called A Ni to take him home which she did at midnight finally.

A Da and Nong Kaicheng came over to stay the night for a change, which must be Leilei's first night here since we arrived. They looked cozy together but will probably not want to see the picture of themselves in the future.

Three boys sideways in a bed

I stayed up later than I should and found I had an email from work asking me to work tomorrow. Oh well, half expected really.

Badminton, pool, KTV, bbq...

Got up at 8am due to the noise. It's not just the traffic noise that gets through, it's more the beeping and occasional loud speakers playing music from cars advertising things. But you can get used to that - today it was the sound of drilling from not far away. Even though our place was opened two years ago, not all the flats are decorated yet, and here decorating means a lot of infrastructural work like doing the plumbing. I had hoped this wouldn't be the case as this year, unlike last, the lifts have had their protective wooden boards removed from the walls and floor, meaning that it is not expected to be bringing building materials inside. But I've noticed that one of the flats next door has yet to be decorated, as is the same for a few more around us.

Leilei had slept at A Da's place last night, so was not to be seen. Tan pottered about with Xixi and I was able to fall asleep again, despite the noise, till 11am...luxury. Then I took Xixi to Waipo's to have lunch. She would hardly touch her zhou, even though Waipo poured sugar into it, so I took her and Leilei out to a place I know that does a nice sliced sausage with greens and bamboo on rice, and offers free warm tea to customers. Neither of them seemed that interested in eating so I only ordered one portion and bought them a can of sweet tea each. Eventually Leilei had some sausage and rice, and Xixi a bowl of soup. I'm not one for forcing kids to eat - they will eat when they are hungry and I don't want them to associate eating with being told off. I think I'll be fighting a losing battle with that one - if they had their way they'd only eat sweets, but actually that might be ok in a way as we lose our first set of teeth anyway so maybe that's how we evolved.

I needed to register our presence in Pingguo so we picked up our passports and drove to the police station. As we were arriving (and noticed it was closed) Lin Hong rang me to tell me to bring the kids around to her house and play with Tian Tian and Pei Pei "big sisters". I duly did, but Leilei didn't want to play with the girls which is fair enough, so we went home. It didn't take long before A Da called me to ask where Leilei was. I said he was here and that he could come around if he liked. However, I had started to get a feeling in my bottom I'm only too familiar with and left my phone with Leilei and quickly made a move to the toilet. In the few minutes I was there A Da had called again, and Leilei had let him and Nong Kaicheng in. It was good to see the boys playing so nicely, even if it was just silly computer games on the Internet.

A Da, Nong Kaicheng and Leilei being a bit geeky and looking very silly

I conjured up my newly found dozing skills and managed forty winks or so while the lads played in the living room. One of the ways I sometimes manage to let myself fall into the arms of morpheus is to count each exhalation of breath in German. Not that I can speak it but counting is ok. And the fact that it is not a language I speak I suppose makes my brain concentrate on it rather than more exciting things. I find I can rarely get beyond 25 before either I forget where I am or I nod off. My one concern is that I become so familiar with counting in German that it no longer requires brain work. But I am prepared...I will just have to learn to count in another language. Logically that will run out too but if I become insomniacal in the future at least I'll know I can count to 25 in 200 languages.

My office (that bloody balloon has travelled all the way from London)

Tan called me to ask to bring the kids around to eat at A Hua's at 5pm. This I duly did and it was nice to see the house we lived in four years ago when we were here for three months. A Hua and her family are now living here full time and have done it up a bit more and it looks really nice. I said goodbye to the kids and then Tan asked why I was leaving. Apparently A Hua had invited all of us, not just the kids, though Tan hadn't explained that part to me. I said I'd arranged to play badminton (in English, so as not to embarrass A Hua, and also because I remembered it was Saturday). Tan asked me who I was playing with and I nearly said A Wu, but remembered that A Wu had gone to play with A Dong who is A Xia's husband, and I thought that would go down better. When I told her she changed her mind and told me to go and play badminton instead. Cool.

I got to the badminton place by the guangchang and went upstairs. It was like before but now instead of painted lines on the wooden floor they had laid special badminton court-rugs. I played a couple of games with A Wu, who has been practising for the last few years and lost 21-10 and 21-12, and then had to play the maestro A Dong. I was sopping sweating wet and tired due to lack of exercise but forced myself anyway. At 13-0 down I was in danger of being whitewashed but I clawed back to lose 21-3. The only moral victory was getting back to the bench in one piece to finish my water. A Wu wanted to go to play "snooker" but I said I needed a shower first, which he didn't look too happy about. But I took the one minute journey home and grabbed myself one anyway. When I got to the security man at the gate of our block he asked me if I'd been drinking alcohol, and I realised my face must have beed that red after the exercise. When I got out of the shower I had a missed call and a text from A Wu telling me he'd decided to do the same and would pick me up in a bit to go and eat duck.

We drove to another place we frequented last year that specialises in duck and goose, and ordered a half of the former and some greens. Surprisingly this was a simple meal with just us two and no private rooms. That was until we realised we'd never finish the huge portion of duck so we invited the Nanning blokes around. Well they'd actually eaten so we bagged the quarter duck that was left and drove to the snooker hall.

Snooker was actually pool, despite all the pictures of snooker players in the hall. I'd played last year and remembered to bring back the VIP card A Wu had given me then. There are about 20 tables each about 8' long and they are very fast. A Wu wanted to play for money - 20 kuai to the winner, so I said make it 30. Then I thought I'd better check the rules...well actually I ended up picking them up as I went along, which was a bit of an advantage to A Wu. It's similar to British pool except if you foul you have to take one of your balls out of a pocket and put it on the black spot. If there are already balls there you just push them down a bit until your ball goes on the spot (I suspect that is an A Wu rule). Instead of reds and yellows it's 1-7s spots and 9-15s stripes with 8 being the black. There is no 'D' so when the white goes in it has its own spot, and you can only shoot down the table.

I learnt just about all of these rules during one shot; A Wu had fouled but the black had come up the table to just below the white spot. As there was no 'D' I had no choice but to hit the black and foul straight back. But I got my own back; A Wu's only ball was on the black spot (the one he'd just had to replace due to sinking the white) so I left the white just above the black spot. He would have had a relatively easy shot but of course I had fouled, so had to retrieve one of my balls and place it neatly in-between the white and his ball, thus snookering him. I got the last laugh as he fouled his next shot and I ended up winning the game.

He didn't like my thoughtful approach to the game and leaving balls hanging over pockets - his idea was to just whack the easiest ball and if it doesn't go in hopefully it would go in another pocket. However, the same kept happening to the white too, so although he was down to the black he ended up with about five balls on the table by the end of the game. Having said that he fluked the next game before we started the third. I then got a call from Li Kun, whom I'd called earlier in the day to let know I was in town. He had said he'd meet me later but I wasn't expecting to go just then so I said I'd be about 10 minutes. What happened then was the longest bloody pool game in history. I didn't want to keep Li Kun waiting so I tried to see off A Wu quickly, but it was a case of more haste, less speed. So I tried a different approach of trying to lose, but couldn't play as badly as my opponent. I had another call from Li Kun asking where I was but A Wu said not to worry he could wait. Finally I beat him and rang Li Kun to tell him I was on my way. A Wu stayed in the snooker hall so I walked the five minutes to Old Tree cafe where Li Kun was waiting outside.

I hadn't realised he was going to book a whole booth, or that his wife, daughter, brother, sister-in-law and their daughter would be there and I'd held them up from ordering. Actually I should have expected that. Anyway we had some nice nibbles and a few Li Quan qi du beers before I got a phone call from Tian Tian saying Xixi wanted to go home. I told her to bring her to Old Tree and I would look after her. Xixi was a bit cold to Li Kun's two year old, and the other 10 year old girl at first, but eventually started talking to the latter about the menu before announcing she wanted the purple juice drink. I still don't know what it was, but she liked it before putting ice cubes in it and announcing it was too cold. Then, as kids sometimes do with cups with straws, she tilted it as she was drinking and I had a nice big purple cold spillage down my shorts.

At least she went off to play with the others for a bit while the dads talked and the women smiled. Not that long after though she refused to ask where the toilets were and the consequences were more see-through than purple and less fragrant. That marked the end of the evening, which, being 11.30pm was not such a bad thing. We said our thank yous and goodbyes and walked the two minute walk home for a shower.

As Xixi wasn't too tired I took her to the Ming Dian hotel where A Dong, the bloke who killed me at badminton, was having his birthday party. It was a busy affair with quite a few kids and I didn't really fancy staying. I didn't really fancy going to karaoke either but A Wu had texted me asking me to go as the blokes we met in Nanning were there. So I made my excuses and headed off home where I was picked up by A Wu three minutes later.

We went to the same place we went for Tan's birthday last year (not to be repeated this year I hope). It was incredibly noisy and most of the inhabitants were rather the worse for wear, including one girl who was plastered and could barely sit up. As I was very sober I had to gan bei with everyone with my least favourite beer sold here: 2.5% Pabst Blue Ribbon. And then the old cliché of singing the two songs I know in Chinese, plus Hey Jude (to the accompaniment of the aforementioned girl vomiting on the floor).


I was quite glad to leave but instead of going home we stopped off for some bbq outside the guang chang, which has become our local because the previous favourite, Tian Yang Po no longer works. For some reason I was completely crap at cai ma and had to drink copious amounts of Li Quan until 3am when even I was glad to hear Tan calling me to ask where I was. We all decided to call it a night and the Nanning blokes drove off in their nice new car, as did A Wu in his. I was probably the soberest and insisted on walking the 200 yards back home to find Xixi asleep with Tan in our bed. Apparently Leilei was sleeping at Nong Kaicheng's house so I took his room and went straight to sleep.

Definitely back in Pingguo

Happy Birthday Thomas!

Despite being knackered I couldn't sleep more than 10 mins at a time till around 7am before managing a couple of hours until Tan and the kids got up. I managed to stay in bed while Tan took them to Waipo's for breakfast and dump them off there, leaving me the luxury of a little more sleep till 11am.

I hadn't really trusted that our SIM cards would still be working this year, despite the assurances of the young ladies at China Telecom and A Wu, but I was glad to be proved wrong as it's really useful not to have to tell dozens of people your new number again. Last night I made the wise choice of putting my phone on mute while I slept, but surprisingly I only had one text by the time I got up.

I am very familiar with this view of Pingguo as every time I take the lift downstairs I have 45 seconds to imbibe it. Neither remarkable or serene, I still remark on it and it makes me feel serene

I popped around to see Waipo and the kids when I got up, and she seemed genuinely glad to see me again. Xixi was eating some sweets and I found Leilei with A Da, Nong Kaicheng and Qiqi (Tan's 2nd sister's son) and another friend in one of the bedrooms. Qiqi seemed nearly in tears and wouldn't say a word. I walked out and played with Xixi for a few minutes before I heard the bedroom door slam. Qiqi was standing there in the corridor with a plastic machine gun in his hands looking very angry indeed. He proceeded to smash the gun against the door which made it break into many pieces, then punched and kicked the door before letting out one of the most disturbingly piercing and deafening shrieks I've ever had the misfortune to be in the vicinity of. I tried to get him to calm down by talking to him but he just let out another harpie screech and banged the door again. I didn't know what exactly had happened but he's now 10 years old and as heavy as some people twice his age, and I didn't want Xixi or anyone else being the subject of any violence, even if not intended. I called Tan, who said he'd been great with the kids earlier, and then Waipo went to calm him down and Chuan chuan took Xixi out. I don't think the fact that his mum lives in another town helps things. I'm not even sure where he lives - maybe he's just here for the holiday, but it's either growing pains or a rather extreme tantrum.

By the time I got home A Wu was calling me to go and eat lunch. Breakfast-less, I agreed, and went downstairs where A Wu, his driver and two bosses were already waiting for me in A Wu's black Toyota he bought while we were here last year.

The driver was the same bloke who drove us from the airport yesterday allowing A Wu to have a couple of beers. I don't know his name but I guess having your own driver is a step up the social ranking ladder. I was introduced to Boss Luo and Boss Yang, from a bank in Nanning. I didn't ask as to the nature of their visit but they seemed pleasant enough. Instead of going to get something to eat we went to A Wu's work place a few minutes outside Pingguo. A Wu was explaining to the bosses how it all worked, and of course we all sat down and drank tea there. This time it was "gno mi" cha. I'm not exactly sure what this is but it is brown and slightly sweet, and rather nice. After about 45 minutes we moved on to another work site, which I didn't quite understand, but it meant I was getting hungrier. Finally we got back in the car to go to eat. Or so I hoped. We went back to A Wu's work place and spent another 20 minutes surveying the rocks before finally I got in another car with one of A Wu's colleagues and we all drove to Li Jia He Xian, the restaurant we have most frequently frequented for the last few years.

A Wu's stone producing work is still going strong

Apart from the fish dishes, which I avoid as they tend to give me la du, the food was as good as always. After 15 minutes a couple of beers were cracked open and I had to do a couple of gan beis due to meeting people for the first time. Boss Luo didn't drink. He said it was because last year he drank four bottles of Er Gou Tou (nasty 56% rice alcohol that Venky was sick on). I'm not sure if he's off the sauce for good and didn't enquire either. Other than that only the driver did not imbibe. And then during the meal two more blokes came in thus more gan bei'ing. It was a good-natured meal and Boss Yang was quite red-faced by the time we left. We bade our farewells and I was told to call them when next in Nanning. This happened last year with my name-mate Mr Peng, but I never ended up spending any time there. I'm hoping that this year I'll make amends for that and give him a bell one year later. Like last year, the clothes we'd left here now smelt a little musty and needed to be washed. Also, Tan had asked me to wash the pillows and duvets. It sounded wrong to wash pillows so I presumed she meant pillow cases, which I dutifully did, along with the bedsheets. Later, it transpired she actually did mean to wash the pillows. I tried putting two pillows in the washing machine but they had to be stuffed in and surely wouldn't have washed. So I put in one plus a few clothes and it ended up that neither the pillow nor the clothes were properly clean, and certainly had not dried a bit during the spin cycle. However, at least the pillow no longer smelt. I've noticed that my suit is also a bit stained due to age and I don't reckon there'll be a dry cleaners here. I also don't reckon I'll need to wear a suit but at least I'm prepared just in case.

I managed a couple of hours' siesta on my own back home as Tan was out with friends and the kids were at Waipo's, also with friends. It wasn't easy getting up at 6.30pm but the consequences of sleeping later would have been severe: a missed meal and no sleep for ages. Actually we didn't have a normal evening meal; rather Tan wanted to go for bbq later in the evening when it was dark. So I took the opportunity to go to the supermarket to catch up on provisions - washing powder and fabric conditioner and a few other bits and bobs. I was happy that my membership card for the supermarket still worked, but I still have no idea what swiping it every time I make a purchase means - one day I'll hopefully get a super-discount.

I gave Tan a call while in the supermarket to ask if she wanted anything, but I'd covered her needs with the washing stuff, except she also wanted to get a hoover. WTF? A hoover in a small apartment with wooden floors? Apparently wiping the floor doesn't get rid of the dust. Well that is bollocks and I refuse to get a vacuum cleaner for the few weeks we are here - honestly.... Anyway she said she was with A Ni chatting outside A Xia's shop as per usual and I was to pick up Xixi and take her there. Then A Hua called me and I told her the women were at A Xia's and she should go there as she hasn't yet seen Tan this year.

While leaving supermarket I noticed that they still sell Gordons Gin in a separate section so I got a wee bottle in the hope of finding something to mix it with. Awl had come up with a genius idea a few weeks ago: buy some concentrate tonic water and mix it with fizzy water in Pingguo. So indeed I ordered a couple of bottles of Sodastream concentrated tonic from Argos before I left. It was an almost flawless idea, based on the fact that tonic water does not exist in Guangxi. Unfortunately, the only flaw was that fizzy water also appears not to exist in Pingguo. Try as I might I couldn't find fizzy water for love nor money - I'm going to have to arrange a trip to Nanning to sort that out.

As I was walking back home, past the guangchang, I met Tan and A Ni getting off a san lun che. There was no look of unexpectedness as you might expect from someone you thought was in a completely different place - what about if I had gone to A Xia's shop as arranged? Apparently Xixi had gone out with Lin Hong so I didn't need to take her, and Tan and A Ni were going to go for some bbq in a bit. I asked Tan if my trusty steed, the dian dong che (electric bike) was available and she said it was broken. A Ni overheard me and told me to wait a sec while she made a call. A minute later she told me to go and pick it up from a bloke at A Hua's house. So in two minutes I'd had as many total contradictions - it does feel like I'm back in Pingguo.

I dumped off the shopping at home and walked to A Hua's place. On the way A Wu called and asked me to go and drink tea. As it happened he was just around the corner from A Hua's place, which was convenient. Instead of "some bloke", A Hua herself was waiting by my dian dong che. It was older, dustier, and a bit more dilapidated than before but it was still like seeing an old friend, except she'd put on the pole at the front that you can stick an umbrella into. I also bumped into A Hua's mum and Lao Pan, who seemed happy to see me again. Then I drove all of 20 seconds to meet A Wu. This time he actually was in a tea shop drinking tea. There were a couple of women and a couple of blokes, and A Wu bought me my own tea cup for 30 kuai. This cup will stay in the tea shop and will have my name on it and every time I come in I will use it to drink from. Sort of like having your own tankard at the local pub, except does that actually happen?.

We drank for about half an hour till half nine, by which time it was time to eat, so we drove to the bbq place run by Tan's aunt and found the ladies with the kids and a couple of blokes. Although I stayed for an hour or so I didn't really have that much to eat, and then Xixi was obviously getting very tired so I took her home to shower and sleep at 11pm. With Xixi sleeping in our bed, Tan arrived an hour later laden with bags of clothes A Xia had given for her and the kids. She insisted on giving a fashion show and I had to comment on how everything looked. Instead of just saying "looks lovely, dear" about every item I actually do look and tell her if her arse looks big or the colours don't go together. Although she says to others I don't know anything about fashion she actually nearly always asks me if her clothes are ok before she goes out (something she would vehemently deny if asked!).

Xixi chose the chilli bbq'd duck tongues herself and munched through them! Should I show this pic to her English classmates?

Although pretty tired I stayed up late just so I could have some time to myself and sort out my study with the geeky stuff I'd bought. Unfortunately we don't now have a telly, rather a large computer monitor that is fine because I've set up Awl's old laptop on it but sometimes you just want to watch tv without setting up a laptop first. After my geeky chores I eventually got to bed at 4.15am

Journey back to Pingguo for the umpteenth time

Happy Birthday mum!

Wow, I just got some kip, maybe the better part of five hours. I must say I am impressed by this aeroplane. It is obviously nearly brand new (not that unexpected on a new route as they are trying to impress customers), but the leg room is so much they must have removed a few rows of seats to incorporate it. I actually thought we might be in Economy Premier or something - even the trays in front of us were almost too far away from us to eat comfortably. It was delightful to get some sleep on a 12 hour journey with kids - it really does get easier (though a couple of whiskies may have helped). Recently I have been finding it possible to grab micro sleeps due to multiple forays to Belgium on the first Eurostar out. It means getting up before 6am and driving to Ebbsfleet, but I have recently managed to get a bit of shut-eye on the train - something that I didn't even manage when up at 4.30am to get the train from St Pancras after City won the Premier League...maybe I was more excited then.

The ability to grab a few minutes of impromptu sleep is more important than many people appreciate, but not me as I've been the victim of the inability for almost all my life. It can literally turn a forgettable evening into a great one, and possibly could help ensure a business deal.

We had no worries at arriving 20 minutes late at Guangzhou as we'd have a good three hours to make our connection, which was handy as soon after we arrived we had our first Oriental experience. We were waiting for our luggage as we'd been told in London (as per every year we've been coming) that we'd need to retrieve it and check it in again in Guangzhou. Fair enough, I mean this happens in the USA too (though quite annoying). But this time after a while our luggage had not appeared. In fact there was very little luggage, presumably as many people were en route to New Zealand. Presently, a bloke explained to us that our luggage may have been put on its way to Nanning. Well if so that's very nice but it would have been nice to know as I had four bottles of booze in my hand luggage and we'd still have to do security again. We were told that we could bring our duty free though security (we'd just about managed this last year in Frankfurt) but we'd need our receipts. Typically, although I had mine, Tan had left her perfume receipts in the plane. After more discussion it was apparent that the most convenient course of action would be to check in my hand luggage with the booze and add Tan's perfume. It took the addition of my coat and a jumper in order to cushion the bottles, but I deemed it worthwhile due to the warm airport and we wrapped our presents in the hope of seeing them intact a bit later. I would actually have done this even if the airport was freezing. Tan then made some more expensive perfume purchases she apparently hadn't had time to do in Heathrow.

I had a fairly manic hour when I was stuck in emergency meetings with work on Skype in the airport. It was not great but I got most of my points across. Despite how easy it should be to use Skype these days it's amazing how so many conversations begin with "can you hear me ok?"...just like the early days.

The kids were ok and our flight was only delayed 15 mins and I suppose the turbulence wasn't bad because no-one else on the plane noticed it. We arrived shortly before 11pm and it was genuinely nice to see our family again, together with a couple of blokes who also picked us up last year.

After fussing about in the 38 degree heat for a quarter of an hour we finally got in a couple of cars and drove out of the airport for...about three minutes. Then we stopped. Apparently Tan had asked A Ni to get some bbq so we'd stopped on the side of the road to eat it. Why not? It was rather delicious and A Wu brought out a couple of packs of cans of beer and we all had a minor feast. Although A Wu and I had had a big hug in the airport, the others merely raised hands to each other in a way I am perfectly used to now. We were nearly home.

Pei Pei, Lin Hong, and A Wu bringing out the beers for a roadside bbq

Leilei and Xixi had been a little shy after getting off the plane but within half an hour in A Wu's car they were calling him names like "A Wu Uncle bottom" and "A Wu Uncle no-nose" which amused most of us for the 90 minute journey home. I nearly dropped off a couple of times before finally making it after the car with Tan and the other ladies. By the time we'd got to our house all the suitcases were there but no unpacking done. It was 1.15am but we spent till 2 o'clock chatting before our family/friends left and we started to unpack. It was mostly done by 3.30am but the kids were still awake. Eventually Leilei came into our room at 5am and we had no energy to turf him out.

A Da, Leilei, and Xixi acting like zombies - they would not give me any other pose

Back to China 2012

Despite the fact that I had planned this date three months ago it ended up being one of the most stressful days I have ever known, despite the fact that I refuse to acknowledge the concept of stress. Normally (it never seemed normal until this year), it was just a case of booking flights, recoiling at the cost of them, and then dealing with it. This year we'd bought the flights including the internal flights at great expense, but actually they were slightly cheaper than last year because the cost of the internal flights was a cool grand for us four from Beijing to Nanning. This year we're flying from London to Guangzhou direct (thanks, China Southern) and have already included our flights from Guangzhou to Nanning (to be seen how goes as currently en route to Guangzhou).

The queue in Heathrow looked bad when I got there at 7.40pm, nearly three hours in advance. Tan and the kids had taken the taxi and unfortunately been delayed nearly an hour so we only got into the queue at nearly half eight for our half ten flight. It took well over an hour, during which I should have been working as we had had a very bad day at work with a needy client. I had been lumbered with a 96 page document full of comments that I was told I needed to sort out. Well I did the best I could, assuming I'd be able to work for a couple of hours in the airport. As it transpired I didn't have the time for a bite to eat, let alone work. All in all a very regrettable situation.

Well, that was out of my hands. The kids were ok, and understandably excitable. Xixi had slept in the taxi, but not Leilei. They dealt with the long queue better than us adults and finally we made our way through security and even managed to get some duty free before boarding.

So far the flight has been ok. I must have missed the life-jacket warnings as I was checking something on my phone as we took off. The first time I have been so un-nerved for such an event (and the first time I have missed the warnings to turn electronic devices off unless China Southern have become the first airline to realise that such things do not warrant a danger). So far we are four hours into the flight and the wife and kids are asleep but I just can't do so (it is about 3am UK time). Please let me get some kip!!

Leilei and Xixi looking less than impressed at the legroom on the nice flight to Guangzhou

A380 for the main flight back...and a grateful pickup from LHR

After under four hours' sleep we got up at around 6am and brought our stuff to the reception. I paid the bill (not realising that the tonic was not included in the 26 kuai for my gins of the previous night and being slightly miffed at that). But not that miffed as after I paid up the bloke at the reception he gave me a big western style hug as though we were old friends, before the taxi turned up. Not only was it on time, and a friend of the hotel, it was only 300 kuai all in, which made it 100 kuai cheaper than the one that was arranged for us from the airport four days ago.

We were well in time for the flight, and spent a bit of time getting duty free before we needed to board. As I took a photo of Leilei in front of the plane I learnt that it was an Airbus 380, in other words the new, biggest passenger plane in the world as I understand it. Not that it made any obvious difference to me as we boarded as per a normal plane. We'd managed the middle four seats and thankfully the flight to Germany was fairly smooth and I did manage a little sleep. Using the kids I managed to bypass queues in Frankfurt or wherever we were and the kids slept on the flight to London as I wish I could have.

A handsome lad in front of our A380 to take us to Europe

Good old Awl had driven to Heathrow and met us there to drive us back, during which the kids slept all the time. I dreaded the night that was to come but in fact they did go to bed reasonably ok, allowing Awl and I to have a late nightcap. I hate getting back so much, but it is made easier by the prospect of seeing family and friends. One thing I have promised myself to not do though is moan about the temperature. I hate it when other people do that so must not do so myself. So what? You lived in a warmer country, it's not like you don't know what it's like in the UK. It's cold and wet - deal with it.

Once again we've had a lovely time in our home in China. It is good to be back in the UK again. Both are good, but I feel a bit out of it here now. Here's hoping that in ten months we'll get the chance to go back again. Gan bei!

Ah, so it wasn't G&T yesterday...anyway last night in Beijing and nice meal

Today was slightly more relaxed than Beijing has been so far. Slightly. Actually, that reminds me of part of "The Greatest Show on Earth", or maybe it was "The God Delusion". Well, it was one of Dawkins's recent works where he digresses when he mentions "Beijing", and asks why we don't call it "Peking" as other countries do. It's quite an interesting point. We don't call Paris "Paree", or Rome, "Roma". But it doesn't actually matter that much so Beijing it is.

Not sure if that was Xixi's writing but I love this way of practising just using water - safe!

After an enjoyable morning in the courtyard of the hotel after breakfast bought locally the previous night we went out to see Cao Lei again. This time we went to a beautiful park just north of the Forbidden City, affording great views of it. I really should remember this park's name. It was a hot day and we enjoyed some long walks to various pagodi before taking a nice boat ride to more serene places.

Tan can still get her arms around me but I need to remove some excess I put on in Pingguo

In front of the Forbidden City

They got a bit spoilt with a fan-cap for Xixi and a blue machine gun for Leilei...

We got back to our place in the late afternoon but I had arranged to meet the sister of an ex-colleague of mine from university ten years back, as I'd met them in London a few months back and said if I was ever in Beijing I'd call her and I was true to my word. Then we experienced a particularly frustrating part of Chinese life in big cities as I understand it. It was 6pm, and therefore all the cabbies were changing shifts, i.e. they were all going home and not taking new fares. I just can't believe that this would happen now. 6pm has to be the time when cabs are most in demand so surely those savvy drivers would ensure they were working at this time, no? It took more than fifteen minutes but I eventually flagged one down and had to wrestle away others to get my family into it. But we did it and got to a rather posh area of Beijing, on the waterfront, at not long before 7pm.

We met up with my ex-colleague's sister after Xixi had unintentionally given me a bloody nose by headbutting me while trying to kiss me. The poor girl was distraught when she saw she'd drawn blood and it was all I could do to tell her it was ok. Well, the meal was delicious, despite more than a dozen toilet breaks for the kids. It wasn't too pricy at around 300+ kuai so I didn't feel too bad about not paying for it. Afterwards at around 9.30pm getting a cab was nearly as bad as earlier, but miraculously two turned up at once and we nigh on jumped into them with barely a second to say our thank yous and goodbyes.

We had done most of the packing this morning for tomorrow's journey, so had a relatively relaxed last couple of hours. I'd promised the kids some little presents so we stopped in a small knick-knack shop on our hotel's road and I got them some cheap crap that they liked. I also got a rather cool mini plunger - about 1.5" in length, which was designed to stick on the back of your smartphone to lean it up as you watched videos on it. Ingenious!

Sometimes it's just great with your kids

When the kids were finally asleep I took the laptop to the bar again for a G&T again and to print out the boarding passes, and to book a cab for tomorrow. I made a realisation that I really ought to have done this last night. The "0 Calorie" tonic water I'd chosen last night was not in fact tonic water but soda water. I still don't really know what that is but it's not much different from fizzy water. No wonder my G&T tasted so shit, as it was in fact G&SW, which doesn't even sound nice. So I sank two real G&Ts (fully calorific) for the first time in two months and properly enjoyed them this time. I even helped out some French tourists in French, as for some reason the Lufthansa website didn't seem to want to work with our Chinese connection. I ended up using logmein to connect to my UK laptop and downloaded the boarding passes from there and then emailing them to myself so I could get them in China and print them out. And people call that geeky...say that the next time you miss your plane in the Far East, suckers.

I did stay up rather late as I hoped that that would enable me to sleep on the next day's flight.

Great Wall (again for me with City top on)

Despite the smaller beds it was undeniable that this place was much nicer than the Forest Land Hotel. However, I did have to help out with the local Internet. The only wifi reception I could get was from the reception (no pun intended) even though there was an access point in the courtyard so I asked the receptionist if I could have a look at their setup. I noticed that their access point was unplugged in the central area. So I plugged it in and set it up in the comms room. To put it in a nutshell I solved their Internet issues in a few minutes and although they were grateful it wasn't half as much as I was. It enabled me to do a bit of geeking while the family slept and I finally got to sleep at oneish after a couple of beers.

We met Cao Lei again this morning. We were to go to the Great Wall, and she was to drive us. I had been there back in 2003 and it had changed. Not the wall itself, not even the shops selling touristy shite. But something less Chinese was there. Around 40% of people there were not Chinese and again it felt so different from 2003 with Venky. Plus this time we had blooming kids to deal with, neither of whom really wanted to go to the top (same as the ladies). So after ten minutes' climbing we went back down and had a meal of dumplings in a reasonably priced restaurant at the bottom. I've had difficulties paying Cao Lei for all she's done for us but finally managed to put a few hundred kuai in her hand today. On the way back I slightly geeked with my phone and played some Chinese songs over the FM radio much to the ladies' delight!

At the base of one of the entrances of the wall

About as far up as we got on the Great Wall

Leilei at the Great Wall

Xixi at the Great Wall

Leilei didn't really want to join in the cannon sitting

I wish the shirt was the only thing older in March 2003...

...than the wearer in 2011

Cao Lei had to go to pick up her kids in the afternoon so dropped us of on the north side of the Forbidden City at around 4pm. Unfortunately we found out that the north end was just the exit as we had planned on visiting this beautiful place that I'd been to eight years ago. Instead we got onto a crowded bus and went to Tiananmen Square and spent the rest of the daylight hours wearing out the kids before getting the tube back to our road. We had a relatively simple meal on the way back and this restaurant only had one other table of foreigners.

Xixi looking quite the traveller at Tiananmen

Totem polling by Tiananmen

Although tired I fancied a walk as the kids were falling asleep in the hotel and did so at around 8pm. I noticed that there was a table outside the hotel and some people doing some bbq. After a relatively boring twenty minutes' walk I came back and by now there seemed to be a bit of a party outside the hotel. The receptionist was there and bade me sit down and have a beer and a bbq'd prawn. How could I refuse? The majority of people were foreign guests at the hotel and the staff were very keen to communicate in English with them, hence I was pleased when they conversed with me in Mandarin.

The cook was already particularly drunk and kept telling me to call him the next day and he'd make me a special meal. But the main conversation of the evening was with a fifty-something German with his Chinese girlfriend not too much his junior. I dare say he'd had a few beers already but was in stitches when I talked to his girlfriend in Mandarin - almost in disbelief. Strange, as he was talking to me in English, which I presume is foreign to him....

It was nice to have a chat over a couple of beers, but as the "party" petered out and because the family were asleep I fancied a bit of a geek so got my laptop and for the first time went to the bar. Aahh, it was actually nice to be in a smoky bar even not smoking. They had gin, and even cans of tonic. I hadn't had tonic water for two months so was quite excited at the prospect. It was "Watsons" brand, but I didn't care. And then I noticed a "0 Calorie" version so I opted for that. Gosh, it was really poor tonic - no flavour but still it made a change from the sweet Pingguo shui bi lemonade. Well, I had a second one just to make sure, before bed soon after midnight.