Last full day in Pingguo

Oh woe this is our last full day in Pingguo this time. Despite the packing I thought I'd done yesterday there still seemed to be a load to do. But I also had to sort out the sending of the swegways. So late morning I went to Waip's with the kids and realised how big and heavy they were. Thankfully Waipo had kept the boxes and polystyrene so I put Xixi's pink one in and realised there wouldn't be room for more than one on the dian dong che. That actually didn't matter that much as there would not be room for more than one kid either. So I got Leilei to accompany me to the post office near Lao Ma's salon.

There wasn't that much dian left in the dian dong che so we took it easy under the midday sun and thankfully when we got there there wasn't much in terms of a queue. I enquired as to whether it would be possible to send this to the UK or not and they answered by saying I was "Bangxu guye", yes I was husband of Bangxu woman but that wasn't the point. I dumped Leilei there with the swegway and said I'd be back in 5 minutes with the next.

15 minutes later I was back with Xixi and Leilei's swegway. Then I was told we couldn't send them as one parcel. My Chinese was good enough to disagree but my experience was good enough to realise that after questioning this I should let it lie. I nearly enforced binding the two boxes together but even though it would cost me just accepted it, mainly because I wanted to have an afternoon lie-down.

But bloody hell. I had to write down our UK address twice, for each package, among other details, and it took me a good ten minutes. Then they weighed the packages and after an almighty time faffing were ready to take 760 kuai. Actually not as much as I was expecting. I just checked with the woman that this was insured and she said "no". What? I had clearly written the value for insurance as 300 US dollars each and she'd ignored it. She then said "it should be ok" but I was having none of it. Oh it bloody meant we had to restart the whole process and write out the addresses four times again but I didn't get angry. I could have but I've been in this situation too many times and I had kids to witness me now. So I moaned a logical moan so they would understand, and apologised to the kids that their drink would now had to wait more. It was only 25 kuai each for insurance too, but a good half an hour in time.

Waiting at the post office

It seemed quite random that as well as the moon cakes the post office was also selling about 11 cans of beer

Finally we got home well after 1pm, after picking up some jiaozi at our local place. I was looking forward to a kip but Tan called me to say she couldn't get cash out using the HSBC bank card. As I still had 1200 kuai on me I told her I had 800 and I could give it to her so told the kids to behave on their own as I went to Waipo's to pass on the money. As luck would have it as I was half-way through the five-minute walk (as the dian dong che was charging), I got a call from A Wu asking me to "sing song". Normally such a call occurs at well after 10pm.

He was actually being true to his yesterday's word, by inviting me to "sing song". But it was just gone 3pm and I was in no mood. But I thought about it for a bit. I didn't have much time left here at all so I might as well go for it. I made an about-turn and went back to our house to get the kids. As it was our last day I slipped a slight portion of vodka into a bottle of apple-flavoured soda water, and had a little Awl-sized lug.

I would normally have walked to Waipo's but with the kids and the knowledge I had to go singing (even slightly tipsy) I decided to get a san lun che. This was actually the first time I'd done this with the kids for a couple of years so we took a couple of pics. It's queerly one of the things I'll miss the most from here.

One of the few san lun ches we've taken together this year

As I dumped them off at Waipo's I saw Tan, and told her I'd take her to A Xia's, but she said A Xia was on her way to pick her up and would take me too. So I had to embarrassingly explain to the san lun che driver that I didn't need him any more, but I still gave him 4 kuai which is more than he should have expected for the short ride to Waip's. A Xia came a couple of minutes later and despite the heat I lowered the window lest the wife smell any hint of the apple juice-laced drink I'd participated in 20 minutes ago. I think I got away with it. I said goodbye to Tan and A Xia promising I'd be back in time for tea at Waipo's.

I found the KTV place relatively easily but went on a little walk first. It seems Pingguo has a proper mall with loads of tea shops where Chuan Chuan takes the kids out while she plays cards with her friends. I don't particularly like it as it seems Westernised but that's just what people want. I do sometimes find it odd that there is so much jingoism here, just like most countries, yet the desire seems to be to have what other countries have.

The Pingguo Mall

Once in the KTV place I gave A Wu a call but there was no response. Not unexpected as he was probably in a loud room. After another unsuccessful try I asked the girls at the counter if they knew where Li Junwu (his proper name) was but they didn't. Normally he's quite well known so I was a little surprised. As it was, the doors to the KTV rooms had windows so I walked along a little way and it was only the third door before I saw him there.

He seemed genuinely amazed that I was able to find him and I was beckoned to sit down with a couple of blokes and a woman I'd seen last year. It wasn't like a big party or anything but they were pouring beers anyway. I noticed the cigarette smoke was particularly annoying so we opened the door to let some escape. As it wasn't particularly comfortable but I knew I'd be here at least 90 minutes I allowed a couple of gan beis to flow to make it easier.

I had enough to sing Ni Shi Wo De Meigui Hua and Pengyou, but it didn't really feel right while it was still light outside. At 6pm I finally got a response from Tan to say that they were eating now and I used that as a very genuine excuse to go back to Waipo's. No argument from anyone there.

Tea at Waip's was pretty quick so the kids and I were at a bit of a loose end. I decided I'd take them on a magical mystery tour, which really means getting on the dian dong che with no particular place to go and going there. We first went to my favourite watermelon juice place and although I got watermelon the kids wanted pearl tea. Next we moved on about 30 seconds to a place that looked like it fixed dian dong ches, and got our seat fixed so it no longer falls off when you lift it up to put something in the tiny storage space underneath it (or take something out of it). I felt a little guilty when they wouldn't accept any money for it, so insisted on getting a numberplate that Leilei chose, plus removed the front one which was really only an advertisement for LiMa, the brand of bike.

Then Huang called and I said I'd come around later. But first on our travels we found a bloke teaching people how to paint characters properly. Obviously I couldn’t resist but go in and within seconds the kids were given brushes and shown how to write 中, with the brush perpendicular to the table. It was an enjoyable 10 minutes and we left with our paper of characters and the promise that next time we were in the town we’d come back for more.

Practising calligraphy

The next half hour was taken up by random driving around until we came upon the new stadium area where we played for a little time and found the ant tree that we’d eaten lunch by two years ago. It’s good that the kids also now have memories of Pingguo dating back a few years. But now they wanted to go to the guangchang, and I couldn’t argue as it was the last night. They both went on the bungee trampolines but within a minute Leilei was complaining that the strap was hurting his balls and despite attempts at adjustment had to get off - I guess he’s growing up and out. Then Xixi complained she was uncomfortable too and she had to get off. A waste of 20 kuai that the stall-holder gave no impression she’d reimburse a penny of.

By the ant tree we'd picnicked by a couple of years ago - strange but fond memories

So it was time to pay a last visit to Huang the seafood boss. He was there with some mates and there was food but the kids weren’t too interested. As it turned out, Tan was at Tianyang Po’s bbq place a couple of minutes’ away so I took them there after a bit and came back where I could engage in a bit more adult-like conversation as Huang served more and more food and turned what I expected would be a couple of beers into a feast. But I had other commitments - the advertising shop people had invited me for a beer and said they wouldn’t be out too long, plus Zhuang Hua was ringing me to ask when I’d be coming around

We popped in to see A Wu before we went to Huang's seafood place

Huang's wife sorted the kids out with tea and served us a beer

Within minutes there were friends at the table

Making my excuses I first went to the guanggao (advertising) place where the boss’s work partner gave me a lovely bottle of sweetcorn alcohol that had little chance of fitting into my suitcase. We had a nice time and this is one of the places I will miss the most for no obvious reason, but more because it feels so normal and almost relaxing. It was now gone midnight so I apologised for keeping them up and they didn’t appear to understand why I was apologising and I realised I was just being English.

I went to back to Huang’s seafood place only to be called by Zhang Hua and I once again made my apologies that I had to leave again. We had a couple of beers, just the two of us, then he bade me take him to where his father-in-law was. Well he got on my dian dong che and we drove down to the river, nearly as far as the train station, and I was glad I’d topped up the battery during the afternoon. We finally arrived at some eating place where there were not many people left as it was getting on for 1am. His father-in-law was suitably oiled, as was his mate with whom he was drinking white alcohol. We sat down with them to their intense enjoyment and ended up gan bei’ing with them and the owners for a while until Tan called to ask where I was at 1.30am when we were leaving tomorrow. I thought about giving the obvious answer but decided I probably should be heading back.

Back home I made a concerted effort to check-in for tomorrow’s late flight, but Air China was having none of it and didn’t like my passport or ticket number. Why is it even these days there are so many numbers that could be used to identify a flight and it always seems so hard to determine the correct one? Or maybe I shouldn’t be doing it at 2am on the same day.

Last Supper 2016

I've still got this bloody cough but I think I slept more than the previous two nights combined. Even so, I still managed a short afternoon nap, so obviously still under the weather. I'd pretty much made up my mind to do my annual mates meal tomorrow as it was already getting on and I had doubts about the meal we'd been invited to tomorrow anyway. And even if it was on we could do our thing later. But at half past five it dawned on me that Yang Haiwei would be leaving for Tian Yang tomorrow so needed to sort something fast.

I called him to see if he could go for a bite at 6pm and he could. That was one down. Then I called Uncle Yellow and he could make it too. Li Kun was also available so there was definitely a meal on. Boss Zhou, who came last time but didn't make it to A Wu's when I realised I'd double-dated was in the middle of cooking for friends, but would be over later, and A Wu said he'd been invited out but would also make it later. We managed to arrange 6.30 as a more suitable time but I got there for six just before Haiwei turned up.

I considered inviting Baksec Zhai but I thought it may be rather below what he was used to. Boss Hu I also considered, but I'd rung him twice this year and the second time he said he'd call me the next day to invite me for a meal but never did. It's likely he forgot, but I didn't feel it appropriate to ring him a third time.

I was happy to eat outside but Haiwei wanted a room, so we got the one we nearly ate at last time and waited there for a bit. I needed some help ordering food but I ensured we got a couple of portions of fried octopus and squid but we told the cook to hold off cooking until more people had turned up. That didn't take too long and soon we were tucking into some nifty grub. I'd saved eight packs of Marlboro fags for this occasion and gave each bloke a pack each. Boss Zhou joined, and A Wu, A Ni, and their young son a tad later, making it a full table. The guys didn't want Li Quan, as it now has a reputation for being fake, so as there was no Snowflake beer we decided on the 2.8% Yanjing bottles. This was a good thing as the meal included several gan beis as it was effectively my last supper with my old friends. A Wu promised we'd sing song tomorrow, but we'll see what that means.

From left to right, Yang Haiwei, Boss Zhou, A Wu, A Wu's second son, A Ni, Lu Wen, Uncle Yellow, and Li Kun

It was good to start early though, as I managed to negotiate a reasonably early finish at 10.30, by which time most of the blokes were pissed enough anyway. The bill was 1100 - very reasonable for four hours drinking and eating, but I didn't have enough and had to go to the bank first. Back home I managed to find a good stream for the City - West Ham match and mostly enjoyed it, except for some worrying wobbles in the second half. I have found that you can get a lot of Premier League matches streamed officially now in China via PPTV and CCTV5 and even QQ. So far I've been lucky with PPTV but I know you pay for some. It's not the 10 kuai that I'd care about, more setting up the account.

By means of a celebration I went for a quick ride down to the river area at Jiang Bing Lu. I heard a shout and it was the bloke I was watching police stop motorcyclists with the other day. He gave me some bbq sweetcorn and opened a couple of beers, but right on cue Tan called to see what I was up to and ask why I wasn't home. So we finished the beers and I went home.

Sweetcorn and beer with the bloke I met the other day

Photos and Haiwei and foot massage

I spent the best or worst part of the day and early afternoon in bed feeling sorry for myself then realised it was wasted time, though grateful for a few snoozes. I hadn't forgotten the photo woman said they'd be ready after midday so still not having eaten I rode down to her shop to pick them up. Well 95 kuai for six (not five) 12" photos doesn't seem so bad when they've been laminated. I was going to buy a frame for at least one of them but I thought I'd have to cut the excess laminate, plus frames are quite personal and sometimes it's best to let others choose them.

I proudly took the prints to Waipo's house and showed them to Tan. "Why is there no frame?" was the response. Duh. I didn't know where Waipo would want to put them so the lack of a frame gave her more girth. The problem is, and I should have known, if you give a woman, or a person, a choice, then suddenly they inherit some responsibility and therefore have a chance of making things wrong. It's like when I ask if Tan wants something from the supermarket and I feel the negative vibes; she didn't want to be asked as it would be somewhat her fault if she forgot something. Men around the world should understand this, or at least accept it: don't give certain people choices. We might like it (like options on a new vehicle) but for others it's a threat - they want decisions made for them and if they're wrong they have someone to blame other than themselves.

Waipo wanted us to stay for tea as normal and as we don't have much time here, but Yang Haiwei had invited me to tea at his mum's as his elder son was back for the weekend. By "the weekend" he meant his son was back for a couple of hours and would be going back for three lessons this Saturday evening and more tomorrow. I don't think Waipo had any food prepared anyway so I drove most of the way to where I went the other week and only needed the WeChat Location info for the last bit to check where I was. It wasn't quite the large family affair of last week, but not far off. I did my requisite talking in English with elder son, then his natural mum came to pick him up at 6.20 to go to school. The mate who lives on the 23rd floor that we visited the other day also came, along with his favourite Yanjing beer. In a way I didn't mind as it was 2.8% rather than 3.1% of the Li Quans, so nearly 10% weaker.

But the problem was this mate wanted to drink 50% faster. I tried stalling tactics but he was well aware this would likely be our last time having a beer together, so fair enough wanted to make the most out of it. Haiwei's elder brother's wife and Haiwei's wife spent a good half an hour cutting up bamboo into tiny slices to put in the freezer, then set upone a huge honeymelon. Then big brother's wife used a great battery-powered mixer to make honeymelon smoothies for the whole family. It only made about a glass and a half at a time but as it only took about 30 seconds it didn't matter. Of course I instantly wanted one and she said she'd got it at a supermarket for 68 kuai. My next shopping list had already started.

One of the blokes' sons really didn't want to go and let him know in no uncertain terms

I managed to get away from the meal at a reasonable hour and made an appointment to meet the advertising people "in about an hour". Great, I had 60 minutes free time so decided to go for a foot massage as one does when one has this time. I went to the place I'd been to before when looking for an excuse of an hour's free boozing. This time though, the bloke rather than the woman took me. It's not that the woman is in any way pretty, I just don't like blokes massaging me. Looking back I clearly could have asked for the woman to do it but being British I just accepted it was him. To be fair instead of starting on the feet he did the top half first while my feet soaked, before moving, err, down.

But even half way through this massage I got a message to say that the advertising people were already at the bbq place waiting for me and it was I who had invited them. So I embarrassedly told the massage bloke I had to go rather quickly and although he nodded in some sort of agreement he continued as normal. I knew A Wu wanted me to go to the bosses' office but I'd clearly not turned up. When he called I made the mistake of telling him where I was. A few minutes later a red-faced boss turned up in the massage place and held his hand up and said "no no no!". I knew he wanted me to go upstairs and drink beer but I said quite firmly I was staying here and would be there "later".

But when it had finished I went to the advertising place. Nothing felt less enticing than 11 bosses drinking except for 12 singers singing. It was only the boss and her "little sister", yes that was what she was introduced as but I had my doubts and enquired further. It transpired she was six years younger than the boss and not blood-related. I asked how they had played with each other for 30 years when the younger was clearly 26 years old, and they mumbled some sort of answer. But this time I wasn't having any of it - I mentioned a few examples of when A meant B etc in Pingguo and they just had to accept that sometimes they said things that weren't officially true. So I got them to confirm this and then made some statements like Pingguo is two hours from England and asked them if that was ok. I'd like to think they got the point but they probably thought I was pissed. Then the annoyingly good-looking boss/partner came and at least gave me an excuse to drink more than half a thimbleful of beer.

It was actually a rather sobre and nice evening and I'm glad I chose it above the bosses' office, though it was nearly 2am by the time I got home.

My new football kit

The other day I went to find somewhere to print a couple of the photos of Waipo and her daughters. I didn't want something really posh, just a decent 12" sized print that she could look back on. I found a suitable looking place, rather than going to the wedding photo place that would have cost 400 kuai and taken a week, but found that the boss wasn't in as s/he was eating. So I came back in the evening and indeed she was there and said she could do some nice photos but it would take 14 days. Well I barely had four, so instead of telling her what I wanted I told her how much time I had and she understood and said we could print some 12" photos. I had chosen three of the nice ones from when Da Jie was here, and ordered five prints, with a couple of copies, that would be ready for tomorrow. She asked me if I'd already beautified them and I sheepishly said I had, well I'd let Picasa do a little work on them as I knew Tan or her sisters would have done the same.

Later, despite still feeling quite ill with this cough, I decided to pay a visit to Zhang Hua. He was on his own watching the shop but still invited me in for a beer. The football kit had arrived! It even had the matching shorts, both with the number 27 adorned on them. I really hope he hadn't paid the 118 kuai that was on the price tag for the top, but didn't question. There was certainly no question of my paying for it anyway, at least not with money. Eventually his wife and other family-in-law came around so we had a couple more beers, but nothing excessive.

Zhang Hua is on the right, and second from the left is "Lao da" - I think he's the father-in-law and he certainly likes a drink - Zhang Hua's son is in my arms

Zhuang Hua and wife

I'm sure more happened today but quite possibly I spent the rest of the time in bed feeling a little ill.

Cough and cold and a Boss Huang meal

Despite the lack of sleep yesterday for some inexplicable, although probably explicable, reason I got up at 9.30am. I suppose it was related to the fact I've come down with a cough and a cold. At about 10am I found myself in the top of a big wheel. For some reason I was part of a small party allowed to have the first chance to look inside one of the capsules. But then a few more people came inside and it started moving, and I realised I was now part of the first time this big wheel would go. It was ok until we got near the bottom and then we were plunged into the sea/lake for the last quarter. Luckily the capsule didn't leak and I worked out it was waterproof for this reason, but on coming out of the water we suddenly went up very quickly, and it made me feel sick. This went on for at least another revolution before I woke up. This was quite close to another Chinese hallucination I'd had a few years ago, and I hope to consolidate the ideas of graffiti and underwater exploration for my first big wheel - maybe I should crowdfund it.

Due to the weirdness of lack of sleep I remained in bed for more time that would be acceptable if I was working or had to look after kids. It's at these times when having a reasonably large phone really pays for itself; it wasn't much - mainly reading some Guardian articles with comments and theregister.co.uk - but it helped wile the time away as I coughed up phlegm.

Then Lu Wen called me to check about the boss meal. Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that - I'd told him that yesterday would be ok but had rearranged Baksec Zhai only to be told he couldn't make it. So really it should have happened yesterday, but what the heck? Could I make it tonight? I wasn't feeling particularly up for it but of course I said yes. Tan was invited too but wasn't that interested, so I took the kids to Li Jia He Xiang where I thought the English teacher's husband had invited us. But despite my WeChat conversation with Lu Wen, who said it was "the bloke who spoke a little English" I had got it totally wrong.

The bloke who had invited us was one of those from the other night where we'd got particularly drunk at A Ni's, and I didn't massively recognise him. But he recognised me for some reason. As we were about to sit down he made a rearrangement and suddenly we were put in a different room as the current one would be too small. I was fine with that and the kids didn't care as they had wifi (with an "88888888" password). We waited quite a long time for others to come, but they did eventually.

Leilei with Lu Wen's cute and podgy daughter - she clings to me

I think the boss's name is Boss Yong, though when I found him on WeChat he was Huang something. Again, I felt the pang of logic go through me and felt the need to ask why Yong and Huang? Which was correct? Which did he prefer? But despite the absence of beer I managed to hold it back - something that only 13 years of coming here will allow you to do.

Of course the meal was great, and much more was ordered than was needed. Then the boss's elder sister's husband (Jiefu) arrived, followed a bit later by Jiejie herself. Well everyone had wine glasses, and this time with my cold I thought this might be slightly better than beer. Boss Huang was transfixed on the kids and I told him I thought it was really important for them to be here mainly for the cultural experience. I told him I thought living in a different country was a great education and he seemed to agree with me more than is necessary. Then Xixi made a remark that she could be considered quite rude if she were to drink her glass and stick her little finger in the air, as is considered quite posh by some English ladies (according to her).

I translated this to Boss Huang and he went into a tirade about how intelligent Leilei and Xixi were! I didn't milk it at all and was merely presenting it as a fact. But he seemed to think I'd revealed the tincture of life or something. His elder sister then brought things back down to earth by proposing a toast and by this time I reached for ice cubes for my wine. I'd mentioned to them that the French would hate the way the Chinese drank wine, but after having tasted the room temperature way I realised they had probably been sent a dodgy box from Australia. I managed wine for a while, but protested about downing it due to my cold/cough, which I was really was milking. I'd done a pretty good job by the time A Wu ordered beer and the two of us continued with that for the remainder of the meal.

A Wu, Boss Huang's elder sister, and Peng

Chuan Chuan came to pick up the kids at 7.22 in her big Mazda, and off they went to see Ice Age 5, while I went back to nurse my beer. I had half a mind to add lemonade to it but at 1.25% that would almost literally have been taking the piss. I was quite impressed at how Huang's big sister was knocking the red wine back, though was is a bit larger than many women here. She overtook her husband in the drinking stakes, which I understand is akin to losing your face here. Then she insisted on inviting us to come to hers to eat. I couldn't do the next evening, or the next, but eventually settled on the 29th - oh great her birthday. But it's also the last night before we leave, which could be tricky if there's a family meal planned. But booking something four days in advance here? Something must go wrong.

I must have been quite ill as I don't recall going out later, though I quite possibly did. The advice here is typical: oh you have a cough - you should drink alcohol...oh you have a cough - you should not drink alcohol. Who to believe?