Tea at Xiao Nong's

I first woke up at 8ish after last night's slight excesses. I was thinking about my waking algorithm from the other day in order to help me decide whether to get up. I input the relevant values into the formula: tiredness 60%, needing to get up 30%, value of getting up and doing exercise 70%, chance of siesta 30% etc. But before I could actually determine whether I should actually get up or not the mere task of using the algorithm tipped me over to going back to sleep. At the time it didn't matter, but only when I re-arose at 10am did it occur to me that the effort of calculating the algorithm was actually an input to the algorithm itself!

So I had now to deal with what was effectively a self-referential algorithm, as if the original wasn't hard enough. In fact I am wondering if this could be the world's first self-referential algorithm. Surely most algorithms calculate something entirely outside the space they reside, except perhaps for quantum algorithms. It's a bit like my algorithm is aware of itself, and therefore incurs its own uncertainty. It almost deserves a name - the Quantum Uncertainty Algorithm for Sleep - QUAS - just the acronym is soporific.

But it was a working day so no more time for algorithmic daliances. But it was also Chinese Valentine's day so after tea at Waipo's I found a local flower-monger and spent a ridiculous 130 kuai on a bunch of roses that were actually quite tastefully set up. I did ask a few times regarding various bunches how many roses there were and the modal answer was "11". I didn't hear a "12" so can only assume that's not a lucky number or something. I also asked where the roses came from and was told Vietnam, which may explain their cost, or not.

Tasteful roses for Valentine's day

Ling Ming had invited us to tea at his wife Xiao Nong's parents' place. I'd been there before last year and was quite looking forward to this family affair. Their house is actually a house, with a garden, and like others, if you have a garden you often have chickens too. Except they also had a pig.

We had a great meal but there were a fair few blokes who brought beer so I had to go more gan bei's than I was expecting. But I was quite good and ensured not every peng bei was a gan bei. Even Tan noticed, I think. But Tan and the kids went back eventually and I had to play mopai, which is a card game the last time I tried to play was also with Ling Ming. I sort of get the rules - you get five random cards each (from a double deck) - then throw out a card you don't want to count. The cool thing is that if your card is the lowest ranked of the chucked out cards you have to drink.

Xiao Nong's parents' garden and next door's for good measure

Then the actual game itself is based on two pairs, the strongest being actual pairs, then afterwards 9,8,7 etc, with 19=9, 18=8 etc. I still don't know the rules properly but it seems if one person beats all other with both hands then all have to drink twice, but if he wins once and loses once the losers only have to drink once. But for such a simple game there are other nuances that I still have to learn. It still seems like something exportable to the UK.

A decent hand in mopai as I understand it

Xiao Nong gave me a lift back at gone 11pm, and thought it fit to comment that I didn't smell of alcohol, which meant I'd somewhat succeeded.

Work and "tea" and more KTV

I forced myself to get a little more sleep after a 7am arising by doing my German  trick, but for some reason I had a 6' long hollow metal pole about half an inch in diameter where one end was sort of cut to a scoop shape, and that end had what looked like the flesh of mango in it, and for some reason that was preventing me going to sleep. Except that the pole itself was a figment of my imagination due to the German counting. I had finally got myself into a vicious circle of German counting causing me to be in a dreamful state that was preventing me from sleeping. This went on for some time until I thought about it and wondered if I was actually sleeping, and just dreaming I wasn't. This reasonably logical thought caused me to snap out of the circle but I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. After having a brief chat with Andge on WhatsApp though I nodded off as I was suddenly getting out of Heathrow Airport and was at an underground terminus, except it was overground, and I saw what looked like an underground employee run towards an incoming train that had nearly stopped and throw himself at the front of the now nearly stationary vehicle. He didn't get run over as the train had stopped, but he was injured and I ran over to him where there were a few other workers and I shouted at them for some angry reason but I'm not sure how they could have stopped some stupid suicidal colleague. Then the train had mysteriously disappeared and I was looking in vain for a bin at the end of the platform.

When I woke up properly I read one of the headlines of the day about a bloke who died in the Gatwick express by sticking his head out too far and getting hit by another train. A lesser mind might have seen a link between the two but not I.

One of the highlights was a cute kitten I passed on the way to Waipo's - a sign things are getting normal here

Today was mostly work, punctured by lunch and tea at Waipo's, but a bloke who tried to invite me out last night got in contact to invite me to drink tea at his new place tonight and he would pick me up when I called him soon after 7.30. He called me Jiefu, meaning elder sister's husband. I don't think Tan has a younger brother, so guess she was his figurative sister rather than blood one. I checked with Tan and she knew his wife so he should be safe. Soon after 7.30 he called me to say he hadn't eaten yet and would call me when he had. Soon after 8pm he called me to pick me up but I still had the kids with me. I took them downstairs but didn't want to take them as there would inevitably be smoke. Not that I think passive smoking as bad as it's made out - I've heard it said that a non-smoker in the same room as a smoker who smokes 20 fags smokes the equivalent of 17. That must be total bullshit - it's nothing like the same intensity as dragging from the cigarette itself. Still, it's not nice to come home stinking of fags.

So I called Tan and as luck would have it she was walking back from Waipo's so we waited a couple of minutes and I dumped them off with her and let her be sure she knew who I was going to drink tea with. I didn't know what to call this bloke so put him down as "bu zhidao" in my phone book, literally "don't know", and mean to rectify that soon. We drove a little bit around the guangchang and I realised he could have just told me to walk there and it would have taken less time that it did to fetch me but it just doesn't work like that. We parked and entered a rather nice teahouse, called a chaguan, and it genuinely did have rooms on different floors that served tea. Apparently he owned, or was the boss of, or both this place, and we found a nice room on the first floor where he put himself in the master tea pourer place.

Of course tea is a euphamism after 9pm. It wasn't a lie as we did drink tea - the supposedly really expensive flower tea that I discovered with Ma Si last year. But after 15 minutes Don't know ordered six small cans of 2.5% Snowflake beer. I could deal with this. Then a couple of ladies entered and of course we had to gan bei with them. It transpired they worked for him and for one of them it was her first day. Then another, rather pretty, lady arrived but I can't remember who she was introduced as. She asked for water rather than beer, and that alone struck me as being rather sensible. But she was served tea rather than water, then went and opened a beer and poured herself one and did a gan bei with me. So much for sensible.

As the evening wore on a couple of blokes arrived before apparently two of the most high officials of Pingguo made an entrance. I think this was meant to be the highlight of the evening but these two were as pissed as tadpoles. They sat themselves one to my left and one to my right so I was a little trapped. The one to my left gan bei'd me but the one to my right, although looking just as far gone as left man, seemed to acknowledge his state, and stick to tea. Then it was time for a group stand up gan bei and no sooner had I stood up as the bloke on my left dropped his glass on the floor. The glasses were unfortunately not the thimble-sized glasses, or even the bbq sized glasses one normally gan beis from, but rather beaker-sized, holding, I estimate, 175ml of liquid. Well sadly for me, the trajectory of the escaped liquid from the newly dropped glass was a curve that soaked the left side of my teashirt from armpit to hip. The perpetrator was blissfully unaware as the ladies quickly tidied the broken glass away and poured him a new one, which was successfully gan bei'd.

My right side boss/government official declared himself as the other party at Baksec Zhai's yesterday evening and I then recognised him. If he'd been less comatosed I might have recognised him before. He then stood up, tea in hand, to do a group gan bei and befell the same fate as his mate but luckily the scalding contents of his broken glass did not hit me. I suspect both of them knew it was time for bed as they left soon after. And indeed I made signs to say I should get back. I'd already had phone calls from A Wu and Yang Haiwei asking me to go out with them and I would have preferred it quite frankly. So after a bit of cai ma with the pretty girl, Don't know gave me a lift home some time after 11pm.

Drinking tea with Don't know, pretty woman opposite

I probably shouldn't have, but when he was out of sight I gave A Wu quick call and he said to come to the KTV on the opposite side of the guangchang from where I'd just been. Well why not? Rather than take the dian dong che, I just walked the couple of minutes and by the time I got to the second floor there were already people ushering me into the room. Yes there was some party in full swing and I had to do a few more gan bei's, but it was slightly more comfortable in the company of someone I knew. I ended up singing Ni shi wo de meigui hua for the first time this year. And then A Wu put on Pengyou - one I should know off by heart after nearly 10 years but I always fall back to reading the pin yin Cantonese on my phone. But horror, I didn't have it on my Note 4! Well I would have, if Google Drive worked, or if I'd marked it as available offline before I'd got to China, but I hadn't. So I had to get A Wu to help most of the time, and made a mental note to learn this one properly so it will always be offline in my head.

I made my excuses and left just before midnight, like a manly Cinderella without a prince/ss, or glass shoes, and A Wu left as well. As we were leaving the building we saw A Ni entering. Apparently she had to go for someone's birthday and I guess she had to close down her cafe before leaving. She didn't have too much to say to A Wu and I wished her a good time. I refused a lift from A Wu because a) he was drunk, and b) it was only two minutes walk away. But I thought to myself, "in for a penny, in for a pound", and I gave Yang Haiwei a quick ring in case he was still about.

Yang Haiwei was still about, in a KTV somewhere. And he sent me a "location" in WeChat. Again, the map showed nothing so I had to guess where he was and the map showed me "warm" or "cold" but it became clear it was the same KTV I've been to eat behind a couple of times recently. I didn't need to call when I arrived; the girls at the reception magically knew who I was, or at least where I was going, and we went to the fifth floor to see Haiwei and some friends. Yes I had to do Ni shi wo de meigui hua once again, and a few gan beis too. It was the birthday of his younger son's teacher apparently, which in the UK wouldn't justify such revelry but who was I to argue? I left with Haiwei at well gone 1am and when home decided to sleep in the office until a bit later where the lure of the bedroom and its more comfotable bed brought me around 4am.

Baksec Zhai and reunion meals

Up at reasonable 9ish, I went by myself to the dou jiang place to get breakfast for 9.5 kuai as the kids were still getting dressed. As I arrived at the dou jiang place I heard a loud "oi!" and saw Jiefu (A Wu's older sister's husband) calling me from a black 4x4. We shook hands and he reminded me that we were eating at Baksec Zhai's today at 5.30. At home I managed a 7 minute exercise stint before shower then it was off to Waip's for lunch where we brought more mangoes.

I asked Tan when Da Jie was leaving, and she said straight after lunch, because if she stays in Pingguo for too long she gets ill. Before I enquired into the nature of the condition Tan herself said she thought it was all in her head too. So after lunch Da Jie's husband and stepson got the car ready then simply drove away. I mentioned the bleeding obvious that Da Jie wasn't in the car and Tan said she was going to stay longer. Back in the house this time it was Da Jie's turn to give the kids a hong bao each, but this time "only" 200 kuai each. It seems a slightly odd, if practical, way of giving a gift as it is immediately clear who gave the most as the value is explicit. I'm sure she doesn't have as much money as Er Jie but it seems a little mean to have this exposed in such a way.

Xixi and Leilei with their hong bao and Da Jie

A less-posed photo of the ladies and A Heng at lunch

Although it was another scorcher, I wanted to sort out the train tickets so Leilei and I got our passports and drove to the station where we waited a few minutes in a queue until it was our turn. I explained the problem of the duplicate names on the tickets to Guangzhou and the lady asked for the passports and typed in the numbers to retrieve the booking. It was hard to see the problem on the screen as there was only enough space to see our surnames, which of course are the same. But the passport numbers were clearly different. So I explained in detail what the problem was and she called over another member of staff. I was aware that the queue was growing behind me and didn't want to be responsible for anyone missing their train so asked if she really thought it was a problem if both tickets had my name on. The answer was probably not, as the surnames were the same. Then she started saying something about paying 10kuai. I had no idea what she was talking about and, aware of the queue, just said ok I'd pay. Finally I had the tickets in my hand and noticed they didn't even print the first names on them anyway....

Back home I showed the receipts for the two 5kuai charges and innocently asked Tan what they were for. She didn't know so I told her to forget it but for some reason she really wanted to find out so started chatting with a friend who worked in the railway to find out. Apparently if you get the booked tickets printed from the machine there is no charge, but if you get them from a person, and the station you're picking them up from is NOT the originating station, you have to pay a 5 kuai surcharge on the ticket. She looked quite satisfied with the answer until I asked her why I wasn't charged for the Guangzhou to Zhuhai tickets. I told her I didn't need to know - it was 10 kuai after all. But I secretly did want to know.

We had a relatively chilled afternoon in the air-con of the house, until A Wu rang at 5.20 for our 5.30 meal with Baksec Zhai. I don't know his real name, I've known him since 2006 as "Bloke from Baise" even though he now resides in Pingguo. Apparently he is now the fourth most important person in Pingguo. Well I took the kids to A Ni's where we waited a good 20 minutes in A Wu's car, engine running for the air-con, and didn't get to Baksec Zhai's till gone 6pm. We entered to find his wife and another woman cooking, and no sign of Baksec Zhai himself. But Jiefu was there trying to sort out the Internet connection. I watched him for a bit and saw he didn't really know what he was doing. I asked to have a look and it transpired he was basically trying to do the same setup as at ours; connect one router to another and use it as an access point.

So of course I said I'd help out. I noticed the ethernet cable coming from the source router was going into the WAN socket of the access point router, so he was off to a no starter. I couldn't get into the source router settings deep enough to restrict the DHCP server address range, so couldn't be sure it wouldn't hand out 192.168.0.254 to another device, but took the gamble of manually configuring 192.168.0.254 on router 2 anyway. It didn't like this as it conficted with its WAN settings, but as it was going to be a dumb access point I turned of WAN anyway after which it accepted it. Then I turned off the DHCP server in router 2. I tested by connecting my phone and although it got an IP address from router 1 there was no internet connection even though a computer connected to router 2 could connect fine.

By this time the food was on the table and the kids were complaining they were hungry, so I said I'd try to fix it a little later. A Ni had come with Tuborg 3.6% beer from her cafe and another boss who looked important came and sat on Baksec Zhai's right (I was on his left). Needless to say, beer was poured, great food was eaten, and a good time was had by all, until I noticed the kids were getting restless. As Tan was at a reunion meal I asked if I could drop them off there but A Wu said he'd take them. Then I realised I'd probably have to go there anyway later so told them just to wait a little longer. Then it dawned on me I still hadn't fixed the Internet.

A boss, Baksec Zhai, and me about to do an umpteenth gan bei

and us 10 years ago in September 2006 when I first met him in Baise

It was a good excuse to have a break from the beer, but when I got back I still couldn't configure router 2 to share the wifi properly. Then I noticed a newer looking router, the same model as our second one, sitting atop the table and asked Jiefu if it worked. It transpired it worked fine and I had no idea why he had been trying to configure an older one. So after a factory I set up router 3 with the same settings as the now turned off router 2, and lo and behold we had wireless Internet in the house! Baksec Zhai and I high-fived but in all honesty I was probably more excited than him. Then Tan rang to tell me that her teacher at the reunion meal had to leave in 10 or 20 minutes and I was to bring the kids around to see her. This provided a timely excuse to warn Baksec Zhai I'd need to leave in 15 minutes (it was already 9pm) and he accepted this but not before a few more gan beis.

A Wu took us to where the restaurant should have been, if you listen to what you're told. Tan had said it was opposite A Xia's shop but what she should have said was that you turn right outside A Xia's shop, go to the end of the pedestrian area then cross over the road to near where the new cinema is. No matter, we walked there and found the nice restaurant with a good 20 or so primary school ex-colleagues come from all around Guangxi and one that had just arrived from Beijing by train. They were all in good spirits, that became better when they saw the kids and they posed for more photos - they are very good at that now.

Tan's ex-colleagues from primary school and two little half-bloods

The fried crickets were simply scrumtious

We ended up staying till 11pm and I particularly liked the fried crickets, as did most. I played quite a lot of cai ma to everyone's entertainment but stuck to the weak beer as opposed to many of the others who were on red wine with a slice of lemon. I noted that the teacher was still there as I left them all to walk the kids home to shower and have a relatively early night.

Sisterly reunion and family meal

Well at least I wasn't up too early and treated myself to another two mangoes before going to the basement to pick up dian dong che I'd left to charge last night. As I entered I heard the typical suite of alarms going off that never seem to stop for more than a couple of minutes and no-one pays any attention. Typically you have to move someone else's bike to get yours out, which triggers the alarm. But this time I saw it was our bike that had its light on and I realised it was our bike only that was eminating sound. I pushed the button to stop it and put the charger away but noticed a notice stuck to the front of the bike. I didn't understand it but guessed it was to do with the alarm and feared it could have been going on for a long time. As I rode to leave, the security bloke stopped me and had a right go at me. Of course I claimed ignorance but it transpired I hadn't closed the seat lock properly, where the charger is normally kept, and the alarm had been going all night. I guess that the security people normally have a bit of a sleep, or at least enjoy some tranquility in the early hours, but I had prevented that.

The stern notice that was attached to the dian dong che - I intend to translate it one day

A Wu called in the morning to say that we were going to Baksec Zhai's for tea, but I said Da Jie should be coming and he understood that family comes first so agreed t arrange for tomorrow instead. This is one yet again why it is quite annoying not knowing if someone is really coming when they say they are. There's half a chance that Da Jie won't come today and that it will be tomorrow so all will have to be rearranged again.

Well apparently Da Jie was coming today at 11am so we got to Waipo's well in advance where Er Jie already was. 11 came and went and then we were told they were stuck in a traffic jam. I'm guessing it's not convenient to take the train or something but I've taken the slow train to Pingxiang from Pingguo before and it was lovely and hardly longer than driving, and certainly not subject to traffic. By 12.30 we heard they'd missed the Pingguo exit at the motorway and would have to turn back later so we decided to eat. Finally, at 1.30 Da Jie turned up with her husband and stepson. Apparently they hadn't used the satnav.

So they ate their lunch and then photos were taken. Then Er Jie produced two hong bao (red envelopes) for the kids, each containing 500 kuai. That's going a bit far...she's already spoilt them rotten. Apparently she has ordered them a swegway each - rather silly as I've already told Tan the batteries won't be allowed on the flights back either as hand or hold luggage. I guess it will mean an expensive and long overland journey. Waipo didn't want to be in the pictures as she said it was bad luck for some reason. But when it was just the three daughters she decided it would be ok. It's just possible this will be the last such opportunity.

Da Jie's stepson, Leilei, Xixi, Da Jie, Da Jie's husband

Er Jie, Leilei, Tan, Xixi, Da Jie

The three daughters and Waipo

Da Jie brought some pomegranates

I had considered asking for help buying train tickets to Zhuhai but based on experience I thought it would be a whole lot less hassle doing this myself. I wouldn't have to deal with others' opionions then about the best train to get and why I shouldn't stay in Zhuhai more than two nights due to muggers or whatever. Worse, someone might even offer to drive the 12 hour journey. No, I was going to do it myself. I'd been told that with the new gao tie train the journey was a little over three hours. More like a little over five hours. I would have preferred to get the 16:23 but that would have arrived at Guangzhou at gone 21:30 and we'd still need to take another train for an hour, so I booked tickets for the 08:54. It seems you can't buy tickets all the way to your destination, or return tickets, at least not on ctrip, so I ordered separate tickets from Pingguo to Guangzhou, and Guangzhou to Zhuhai. Once I'd logged in to ctrip.com it remembered the passenger details and I was able to choose who was travelling. Unfortunately Leilei and my passport numbers had changed since we last used ctrip and I nearly booked with the wrong ones, so had to manually remove us and re-add.

I thought that was a job well done when I'd made the two separate transactions to pay for the single tickets, but my email notification showed that for the Pingguo to Guangzhou trip I'd put them both in my name. Oh dear, this would now require going to explain to someone in person when picking up the tickets instead of just going to a machine. And this probably wouldn't have happened if I'd asked someone to help. Well I'd sort it tomorrow.

As much of the family were together (only Tan's brother was not around - presumably out of town working as a driver) it was decided that we would go out to Li Jia He Xiang and this time we actually did eat there. It was a lovely family meal where I learned for the first time Ling Ming and Xiao Nong's son calls me "Yi gong" - grandpa! I suppose it makes sense as Ling Ming is Da Jie's son, so effectively a generation below me. Leilei and Xixi were also excited to be and uncle and aunt respectively. Relatively little beer was consumed and by the end of the meal as we Chuan Chuan received the receipt we noticed we hadn't even got through a box, and needed to be refunded a few bottles (I didn't offer to take them home in a doggy bag).

Family meal at Li Jia He Xiang

I took the kids back home to charge up their devices before popping back to Waipo's to pick up the tv that we usually borrow here and isn't used over there. It took a while but I got it set up with the satellite box only to find there was no signal. I had no idea what to do next after wiggling the dish about resulted in nothing, so set up the old Wii instead. This year I've brought a Wii Fit board so hope to use it.

Leilei said he wanted to get some presents for his mates but of course we want to get something local they can't easily get in the UK. So of course we went to the "shenme dou you" shop downstairs near our building. We call it that as it seems to have everything we (the kids and I) need. We ended up getting some of those character practising "parchments" that you use by dipping a brush in water and the writing comes out black for a few seconds until it dries up. Original, fun, and educational. And only 5 kuai each though the brushes were 3 kuai. I got some paper to make paper aeroplanes and for Xixi to do some art with the water colours she bought. Altogether it came to 62 kuai as the shopkeeper showed us on the calculator. But he said 55 kuai to show he was giving a discount. Then, who I can only assume was the boss, shouted out "50". It was like they were bartering with each other to give a lower price even though they were running the place! I didn't argue, and as I was fishing for cash the boss noticed Xixi looking at the pretty nail clippers and of course asked which one she wanted. She chose a pink one of course and I noticed Leilei getting jealous. He waved off any attempt at payment and as we were leaving noticed Xixi glancing at a Spongebob Squarepants padlock and immediately picked it up and gave it to her (it should have been 13 kuai). Leilei was a rage of envy by the time we got out of the shop and I had to insist Xixi give him the padlock, and explain that he'd just have to accept Xixi would get more attention than him. I explained how I was once the attention-getter, then he came along and stole it from me - now Xixi has taken some of his thunder which is sort of fitting as his name means "rolling thunder".

Leilei standing in front of one of our favourite shops in Pingguo, the "shenme dou you" shop close to our building

Leilei and Xixi's artwork on coming back from the shop with more than we bargained for

Back home I tried in vain to get the satellite working so I could watch some olympics so ended up hooking the laptop up and streaming some of the Pakistan Test where it looks like England could well fight back to win after being 103 runs down in the first innings.

Well...just once in a while get back to the old way of things

Mangoes for breakfast and tea for tea

Up at a leisurely 8am in time for a less leisure 90 minute ping pong session to sweat out any of yesterday's excesses. I realised we still had loads of mangoes from Tian Yang so had the excellent and healthy idea of having a couple for breakfast - luxury! To avoid too many going bad I put the rest in the fridge and brought the other box to Waipo's when we went to lunch a bit later.

Healthy and delicious breakfast

We had been told that Da Jie would be coming today to see her son Ling Ming and younger sisters Er Jie and Tan. Except I suppose Er Jie should be called Er mei as she is younger. It's all rather confusing. Depending on who is calling me I have a different moniker. So if it's Chuan Chuan I'm Yi Zhang, but if it's someone else its Jiu Jiu or Bo Bo so I have to be aware what each means to know if it's me that's being beckoned. Needless to say I must fail quite frequently. So I was interested to hear Tan call Er Jie by her actual name, Tan Lihong, as I thought that within families one never used actual names. Tan said this was quite normal but I have my doubts. I didn't make her aware of my doubts though.

After tea at Waipo's the kids and I went for a ride and we found ourselves near Li Kun's place where we've had tea before. We weren't on a mission so decided to give him a ring and he said he be around in a few minutes. Of course we weren't expecting him straightaway so popped into a small supermarket we hadn't seen before. This was the third or fourth place I've been to this year that sells fizzy soda water and it was one kuai cheaper than the other places at 4 kuai, so I bought a few and got the kids some sweet drinks too. After quite a few phone calls we finally met up with Li Kun a good half an hour later at A Ni's place as he was near there. After a wee chat with A Ni and son, we followed Li Kun, his wife, and daughter in their 4x4 to his place where I learned this place was his tea-drinking house only and he actually lived by the market. A house exclusively for tea-drinking? I had no evidence to oppose this as we spent the next 45 minutes or so doing exactly that.

The kids were wondering why there was so much phone number graffiti - I think I remember Tan saying it's places offering fake degrees but I've never tried calling one

But the kids were quite bored so as promised I took them to play at the guangchang where they got soaked again on the ben ben chuang jumpy castle before showers beckoned. In the end it transpired that Da Jie wasn't coming today but would be here tomorrow. Then for some reason I couldn't sleep till 3am - must have been the blasted tea.

Colourful scenes at the guangchang