Going swimming

We all were up pretty late but even so didn't manage much in the way of breakfast; some youtiao and pancakes from the dou jiang place we usually go to. Then Tan said Lin Hong was taking us swimming after lunch. By "us" she meant the kids and me as she would stay with Waipo. I rang Lin Hong so that she'd have my new number and she said she'd be downstairs in 5 minutes which gave me that much time to get everything packed, including the factor 50 spray-on suncream. We needed to wait for Tan to bring something even though we were being told to hurry up. Then I noticed I'd forgotten Xixi's bag so I had to scurry back to get it for fear of having hell to pay. By the time I got back I realised it was lunchtime and the kids had hardly eaten...ah I guess we will eat there...

It turned out there were four cars in an entourage going to this place. When I asked how far it was I got the typically generic "not far" response I should have expected, and I knew better than to ask how many minutes as it would have been "not long". As it was it was under half an hour so pretty much not far or long. It was brimming with heat though so we sought the cover of shelter which turned out to be just about the only air-conditioned room. But all the people, around 20 with the median age around 50, just started eating fruit and talking. Leilei and Xixi, being the only kids, were not too interested in this and wanted to go swimming. "Too hot!" was the unanimous response.

But the alternative to swimming was staying in this room where they'd just brought in an electronic majiang table so I said despite the heat I'd take them out. They probably thought the equivalent of mad dogs and Englishmen but Lin Hong and Tian Tian allowed us to change into our swimming gear and I spent 5 minutes spraying the kids and myself all over with factor 50 before venturing into the intense heat of the outside. We weren't the only ones by the pool but it was by no means full. Shockingly, the water was really cold and it took Leilei and I a good 5 minutes just to submerge to the level of our balls whereas Xixi seemed impervious to the temperature. Finally I managed to get fully into the water but mainly because I didn't want to look like a wuss in front of the kids (or the other people - as I'm aware I'm a slight ambassador for the West). We managed nearly an hour before I'd had enough, and the kids decided to get out with me. There was no need for towels and when we got back to the room and changed we realised nothing had changed...all the people were either watching majiang or eating fruit. So we did the latter, and because the kids hadn't had lunch they gorged themselves on baby mangoes and yellowskin fruit as it was already gone 3pm.

The majiang game that was the focal point for much of the afternoon

Leilei got through loads of baby mangoes

Xixi trying to make a real unicorn

But they were getting fractious so I took them out to amuse them. We found a massive spiderweb suspended between two trees that was easily as tall as Leilei, but had no occupant other than a couple of leaves, and I explain how things in general grew bigger in hotter climes. Then Leilei used his laser to fox some puppies much to our amusement as he put it on the bone one of them was gnawing which caused a mini fight among them.

This was meant to be a pic of the spiderweb but it didn't come out - at least part of the swimming pool is in view

Finally, soon after 4pm, some servers started bringing food to the table. I wasn't sure if this was a late lunch or an early tea, but it turned out to be the latter as it took half an hour before the tables were full of food. Then other people started turning up too. I should have guessed "swimming" was more of an excuse for a meal. Even when the meal was set people continued watching majiang until Tian Tian and her friends were too hungry to continue and just started. That caused more people to start and we all sat down together to eat a fine meal. Only after the meal did a handful of the ladies go to the swimming pool but the kids were now bored and Lin Hong told A Zheng to take us home as the others would be chatting for a while. I was dropping off by the time we got there but it was too early to sleep so grabbed a coffee.

The hungry girls got the meal started 

On the way back the spider came out but the web wasn't picked up by the camera

View from car on way back

At 11pm I called Yang Haiwei to arrange to meet up some time and he said he was one hour away from Pingguo and that we'd meet up as soon as he was back. Maybe I shouldn't have called so late but sod it I'd make the effort. It wasn't till well after 12.30 that we met - just his family and his eldest son's mate, all awake after the drive back from Beihai. I spent most of the time communicating with the eldest son in English on his father's behest (to him, not me) and I didn't mind as I guess it's a sort of pay-back for all the stuff Haiwei has done for me if you want to see it in those terms. He (the eldest, now 16) was drinking beer and his mate too, and said sometimes he drank beer when he was nervous. I told him that was very wrong...it's ok to enjoy a couple with mates but you should face your fears, and I made sure he moved to water after his couple. Not sure how long that will work long term though. I don't know how all of them including the four year old, let alone me, made it to 3am but on the hour I told them I had to go and bade farewell, and somehow only fell asleep at 4am.

Door and catching up

Got up at around 10.30 to a missed message from Uncle Yellow and was told to take the kids to A Ni's place opposite for lunch. Except now Lu Wen was working there and instead of a steak place it's now a "normal" place that sells noodles with beef and nothing else. I'm not sure if it's his full time job but he was there with his wife and new daughter (they now have two). The kids weren't massively keen but I got them to eat some of the noodles at least, but the two portions I bought were nowhere near finished even by the time I'd had mine.

We went to Waipo's for a bit and found Chuan Chuan there - we expected her to be in Baise but she'd come down to see the kids. Waipo was looking fairly similar to last year if a bit thinner. It was the usual sit around for a bit with the tv on and chatting and then I remembered the dian dong che and asked if we could use it. Apparently it wasn't charged, and couldn't be charged, and I'd need to get it fixed from somewhere. I was a bit annoyed but fair enough if the batteries are dead. At least I could use Jiuma's little orange one for the time being to get some stuff from the supermarket. However the kids have grown so much it was tricky to fit us all on, so after a little ride together I left them at Waip's and went to cut a couple of new keys as stupidly I'd forgotten to bring my set.

The two keys cost 8 kuai, probably a 20th of what it would have cost in the UK, but then it was done by a bloke on the side of the road who presumably has little in the way of running costs. I got two done as I guessed one probably wouldn't work, and went home to test them. The first was fine so that should have been fine but of course it was right to test the second. Except when I locked the door again (from the outside) it only half locked, and none of the three keys would move at all. Try as I might, using as much force as I dared, nothing would budge. So I went to tell Tan the news at Lao Ma's hair salon where she was getting permed as she generally does the first week back.

Well at least it wasn't obviously my fault, but she called Ling Ming and he also thought the locked had not been fully locked (as if that was a reason for it not being unlockable) and I feared the worst; we'd have to knock down the strong door (which was a replacement from the original in 2010) and reinstall another at great expense. Back at the house I tried to unlock the door again to no avail and called Ling Ming who then called a locksmith and called me back to say they were on their way. Although I was grateful I asked what he meant by "on their way" as I was standing in the hot corridor waiting and could be somewhere more comfortable if it was going to be long. "10-15 minutes", he said, which often means something else, but he gave me the locksmith's number to check. Downstairs, where it was a tad cooler, I called the number and just a couple of minutes later the bloke turned up. Upstairs again he had exactly the same success as me. He had a rather strange accent that I couldn't quite grasp but I understood he was going to get something from his san lun che downstairs. He came back presently with two "C" shaped iron 8mm wide wire/bar things where the "C" was about 18" in diameter. He then proceeded to hammer the viewing hole outlet thing until it became a bit loose, then started unscrewing it until it came out, leaving a hole and inch and a half in diameter in the door. He then fed through one of the "C" bars and I suddenly saw what he was trying to do - literally open the door from the inside. But it didn't work, so he tried the second and lo and behold it worked - just like that within a couple of minutes he showed how totally insecure these doors are.

Showing how ridiculously easy it is to open a front door from the other side

But I was relieved really. He now got to work on the problem and noticed a number of issues - the lock was too "short", there was too much play in the bottom bit that goes in the ground. It sounded expensive and it took him close to an hour to have fixed everything from start to finish including changing some pieces, but in the end it only cost 30 kuai and the barrel wasn't changed so my new keys still worked. An hour previously I was lamenting not only losing our vehicle but also potentially our house but now it was looking much rosier.

Now that I had my own set of keys I went back to Lao Ma's salon and gave her back her own and took Leilei off to the police station to register ourselves for this year. It's never straightforward and this year was no exception. The women remembered me from last year and were in good spirits, but the woman who did us last year wasn't there so they had to call her to come. Lord knows what she was doing but it took her 45 minutes to get there by which time it was dangerously close to tea time at Waipo's. After a great kerfuffle she ended up taking pictures of the various passports and visas and said we could pick them documents up early next week. The main woman said it was a special day today for the police and they were having a big meal and I was invited. I said thanks I might do so with no real intention as Tan was already calling to say they were waiting for us to eat.

After food at Waipo's the kids were taken out and I found myself with some time on my hands. Time that might have been used more appropriately sorting stuff out but I recalled the policewoman's invitation so thought it would be nice to pay them a visit as it was only 7pm. Funnily they were actually expecting me and there was a loud cheer from the (mostly) blokes as I walked in; evidentally they had been on the beer for some time and wanted me to catch up. One of them was pretty clear that I should have 10 (small) glasses before I cai ma. I was more bloated than anything else 20 minutes later after having ganbei'd just about everyone there, and finally turned to cai ma to slow things down.

Uncle Yellow called around 8pm to invite me for a bite at 9ish, which gave me an excuse to leave relatively soon after. But it was pretty good fun with the police, and maybe a good thing in another way to get to know them at this level. Uncle Yellow was in the same place I'd met him with Xixi about this time last year, with a couple of mates I knew, so it was good to catch up again. In typical style the people eating in the room next door also knew me somehow so I was beckoned in as I came back from a loo visit and sat down and given a bowl etc. A couple of ganbeis later Uncle Yellow entered and scolded me for leaving him (in a not totally serious way) so I excused myself and went back to his room to eat some quite lovely grubs. I've no idea what they actually were but I daresay they are high in protein.

Lovely grub

Mates

Eventually we said our goodbyes, but for good measure as it was close and near where I was, I passed by Huang's seafood place where he was very glad to see me. I was sat down with some mates and poured beer but I realised I had nearly used up my allotted wake-time straight away. I managed a little bit of conversation but felt myself dropping off too. I think Huang realised and didn't put up too much of a fight when I told him I'd better go home and come back when the jet lag had gone.

Truly Back in Pingguo

We were at Heathrow Terminal 4 an hour before baggage drop-off opened, and we would have been checked-in online if China Southern had allowed me to check in Xixi after having allowed me to check in the rest of us.... But it was ok and the kids were happy to spend a couple of hours in the lounge, which actually had very decent food. Of course Xixi spilt hot chocolate over her jeans so after Tan washed them I was tasked with drying them. A hithertothen unused perk of the lounge, at least on a journey's departure, was the shower suite, where I was given a room with a hair dryer and spent the next 10 minutes with it inflating Xixi's right trouser leg. When it was dry enough in my eyes I brought it up only to find it wasn't dry enough (things feel drier when they're warm) and there was also a sleeve of her hoodie to dry. This time I got Xixi to help out plus a glass of refreshment....

Either the flight was nondescript or I've pretty much got over any concern over flying I might have had before. I tried to watch Logan, but just couldn't get into the genre or the bad acting. Then I managed 3/4 of a film supposedly about Mars but more about the first person born there and how he coped on earth. I had really hoped for some decent sci-fi but again all I saw was bad acting and a boring romance. Not to mention he was chatting with her in real time even though it would have taken seconds if not minutes for each message to be relayed. So I ended up watching the Bourne Legacy again and fell asleep half an hour into it. Magically I awoke with only three of the 11 hours to go meaning I'd slept for around five hours. There was no queue at immigration, no need to take and re-check-in baggage, no problem at security and not long after we were in the Bayun lounge at Guangzhou airport with a good two hours before the next flight, during which I caught up on some work, and managed a couple of cold beers as it was now well after 6pm. I even nodded off on the 1h15m flight to Nanning, where we were met by Er Jie and A Heng, and our luggage just a few minutes later.

Xixi doing the same joke as last year in Arrivals (ok it was my idea)

Last year was closer to being funny

I went with the kids in Er Jie's boss's 4x4 while Tan went with A Heng in a white BMW. We arrived in Pingguo shortly before 1.30am but went straight to Tian Yang Po's bbq place around the corner from ours. As she was firing up new charcoal I went for a wander and found that my friend Huang from the Bei Hai Seafood place had already shut up shop, but as I walked back I was beckoned over to a table of blokes and a woman and had a beer forced in my face and duly ganbei'd. I was truly back in Pingguo. I managed to get away after a couple more and having myself added to someone else's WeChat, before I was beckoned over again by four more blokes just 50 yards from our table. I managed a couple more ganbeis before Xixi walked over to tell me to come over to eat. What a pretty excuse to leave that I couldn't have bettered by any words.

Well of course the bbq was good, and Er Jie's boss got a six pack of 500ml beers, which I checked and they were 2.9% so ok. Xixi was given a second-hand iPhone 5 - the first time I've ever seen something second-hand given as a gift here. There were a few more people now but we left well before 3am to get to the house. They are rebuilding the road on the door-side of the building and there was a drop of about 9" which unfortunately the BMW went down, causing some noise and scratching. Eventually in the house with all the luggage I thought the kids would sleep but no chance...a shower seemed to wake them up. I noticed although the flat was nice and clean, there was no water, so I ventured out to buy five bottles and managed not to get caught up in any more ganbei'ing before getting back and having my own shower. Bed was some time between 5 and 6am.

Return 2016

Well I managed just over a couple of hours of sleep, timed by how long I was able to watch uninspirational films for. I ended up rewatching Fargo, which was much more entertaining than the latest tosh. Although we’d left a little late we’d caught up during the fairly unturbulent flight to Frankfurt, and landed 90 minutes before our next flight was due. But we still had to queue for security which caused us to arrive only just in time for the short hop to London.

Fatigue from the journey was taking its toll, but the kids were alright about it, and it made the fact that we arrived at London City that much more worthwhile. However the bloody queues were a pain - I had partly sold the journey to City on the fact that the queues were a breeze, but as one of us was not an EU citizen (maybe all four of us next time) we were told to go to the special queue where it seems we joined just about everyone else from about three flights that had recently landed with non-EU passengers. Finally 45 minutes later the woman said we needn’t have taken this queue as three of us were EU’ers. These people need to talk to each other and be consistent.

But an awkward wait for an Uber XL later in the streets of Woolwich after an easy DLR ride, and the 20 minute ride home later that was it. Nothing had really changed. It was like waking up after a particularly long and vivid recurring dream, and I look forward to bedtime.

Definitely last time in Pingguo 2016

Tan had said that A Heng was coming at 8am to pick us up so I judiciously got up at 7am in order to be prepared. As I got out of the shower at 7.20 I was told that the two cars would be there at 7.30 and we had to have everything ready. Blooming heck, at least tell me to expect 7.30, but that would be asking rather too much. Well I was mostly ready, having spent a good hour sorting stuff out after coming home well before midnight last night.

I let everyone go downstairs and helped take the luggage as they went to Waipo’s to say goodbye. I had the genuine excuse of needing to take the dian dong che there a few minutes later. So I was afforded the time to do a last minute tour of the flat. It’s always sad. I reflected on the 3am storms I’d witnessed, the paper aeroplanes Leilei and I had made and flown, the arguments with the kids for playing on their devices too much, the sumptuous siestas, the Wii Fit, and sweating so much when doing exercise. Simple, non-special activities, that take on a special meaning for me at least when I’m here. Having one’s own place really makes this place. But the kids are growing up quickly now. They had fun this year but I don’t know if that fun that I also share in will continue for them.

I remembered to turn the fridge off and leave the door open, then put my shoes on and left for another final time. I called the lift and as soon as it came I had to run back to the house to pick up a few things I’d left in my study like scales for luggage and rechargeable batteries from the Wii remotes. Maybe they weren’t that important but that last look at the house justified my forgetfulness.

The dian dong che just had enough dian to get to Waipo’s, and I warned them they’d need to charge it to get anywhere. Waipo was not showing it but was effectively in tears and hugged Leilei and Xixi in a way she’d never done before. Before it was words, but today it was feelings, and we knew as we drove away she’d be crying.

The journey to the airport couldn’t be over quickly enough, but it took two hours. Due to regulations now we had to say goodbye where A Heng dropped us off so the chances for photos were diminished. The queues looked quite bad for security but I remembered we had the Priority Pass - not only was there a lounge on “landside” (meaning before security), this lounge had its own security so no queues. Although there were lounges “airside” (after security) I suggested to Tan that we stay here as the ladies told me the wifi wasn’t working in the other lounges.

I was maybe a little naughty but I don’t like flying and had brought a little snifter of the last bottle of gin I’d bought in Guanmart the other day, and dreadfully mixed it with cola. I did try to drink it in the loo but ended up flushing it down as it tasted rough and even the thought of drinking it made me feel like an alcoholic and I knew I was better than that. I did have a little bit of neat G left though which I made useful with a rather sugary 7-up, and made me slightly less worrisome about the impending flight.

But it wasn’t that bad, and we arrived in Shanghai eight hours ahead of our next scheduled flight. Of course this was five hours before we could check our luggage as it was one of those you had to retrieve your luggage between flights in but that was that - apparently there were no seats on the later flights to Shanghai so we’d just have to sort ourselves out without any lounge decadence for a while. Well we bought some snacks and then went for a meal and it made me realise how worthwhile lounge access can be, but when you’re stuck with check-in luggage you just have to wait till you can check it in. I went for a walk with Leilei, then with Xixi. We both noticed a particularly large and splendid preying mantis on the outside of one window. We talked about how they catch their prey, and I realised that at any time, unbeknownst to us, you have an opportunity to educate not only your child but yourself too.

Then at 7pm, an hour and 15 minutes before check-in opened, I noticed there was already a queue. I did something sensible. I bought a beer for 8 kuai (actually my second of the afternoon but don’t tell anyone) and took my laptop and myself away and found a quiet corner on the first floor away from most people. In order to get online I used Chuan Chuan’s phone number and asked her on WeChat to send me the code, which she did half a minute later and I just managed to enter it to get online before the minute period ran out.

With that online time I managed to check-in, something that I hadn’t been able to do from Nanning because it was too soon. I was also able to change our seats to similar to what we did coming over here. By the time I got back the queue was enormous and there was still well over half an hour before check-in gates would open. So I told Tan and Xixi that Leilei and I would go and manlyly stand in the queue. We were so far back the queue had doubled back on itself and people coming out of the lift were having trouble getting past it. In fact the queue was becoming a health and safety liability in my opinion. But thankfully, 15 minutes before advertised, they started letting people in. I thought we’d be at least 30 minutes in the queue but it actually moved pretty quickly. Then I found that those who had checked in online were put into a much faster queue, so I called Tan to tell her and Xixi to hurry up and join us. Gosh that 15 minutes with a beer and a laptop had saved us closer to an hour and we dropped off the without a problem and got through security in a breeze a few minutes later.

And the lounge was delightful. Had we known we might have gone hungry for the food was rather good, and Tan had a portion of noodles even though she’d had one an hour previously. The kids were happy as they had a good choice of food and drinks and baba was happy because he had his first genuine tonic (plus gin) in a month and a half. Two plus hours was comfortably spent here, and definitely helped justify the Platinum Amex for a third year.

We even managed to get priority boarding thanks to our “young” kids. Tan managed this on the way over here and I managed it on the way back simply by asking. This has got to be the last time we ever manage to do this. Although it wasn’t an A380, the Boeing 747 took off ok and I can’t make any complaints. After the meal as most were falling asleep I asked for a last glass of rouge and the flight attendant (male) got up and poured me two. The sort of treatment that might make me choose Lufthansa again.

Properly last night in Pingguo

Hmm. I got up earlyish to the sound of my own coughing and pain of abs. It should be good sit up exercise. Oh this was our last day...so although I thought 90% of packing was done it wasn't and Tan was cleaning everything in sight. The washing machine was on non-stop with bedding.

Finally took kids to Waip's and left them after having a yuebing. I wanted some time to myself to do some last minute checks that I can't do with Tan around, but she was still there when I got back around 2pm eating the leftovers from yesterday's bbq. We weren't due to leave till 5pm so there was no massive hurry, so I did my equivalent of packing till she left at 3pm. First I double-checked the hotel I didn't remember booking. Google had been clever it seems, and automatically put an entry in my calendar for the hotel stay. It struck me that it had the name "Capital" in it, and my heart sank as I found the hotel for tonight was the "Beijing Capital Airport Hotel". We were flying to Shanghai. Oh had I mistakenly booked a Beijing hotel because that's where we first hit China nearly six weeks ago?

But then I noticed something worse. It's only because I was on the work VPN that I was able to access the google services, and when I opened up the link to the hotel it brought up the whole itinerary. It was quite cool that Google had put all the flights in the calendar and even made a timeline of the travel arrangements but what was that for tonight's flight? "Cancelled". Shit, really? I had to check but Air China's website was absolutely crap and the only way I had an idea was that I was not able to purchase tickets for tonight's flight. So I tried to ring them but I chose the English option and was kept on hold for over 20 minutes before I gave up...every minute you have to press "1" to continue to hold.

My first thought was to check tomorrow's flights. I had to make some positives out of this and and if there was a cost then at least it could be put against an extra evening in Pingguo. But the cost was looking like well over 3000 kuai for the three of us. I had to get through to Air China, but I checked the tickets and it said you should check flights at least 72 hours before departure and it was only 10 hours - would they rearrange at such short notice? We didn't have much time and I nearly went and bought the tickets for tomorrow as we can't miss tomorrow's late flight to Europe. To be honest I was more concerned about Tan's reaction when I was to tell her. Somehow it would be my fault and in this case it quite probably was.

I had formed a plan for what to say. I called her and asked if she'd like to stay one more night in Pingguo. I knew she would but her response of course was "why?", so I mentioned the cancellation and to my relief it didn't appear to be my fault for not checking three days earlier. To be fair I'd tried to check-in online last night but the website didn't understand the e-ticket. So not being my fault, Tan set about calling Air China as really they should rearrange things for us. It ended up being a round of several phone calls to different departments until one said to call Lufthansa as the second and third flights back were with them. Finally someone gave us an email address team.shaxr@dlh.de where we had to send proof of the cancellation. The Google message wouldn't suffice, but this time on the Air China website I managed to find the status of tonight's non-flight of "cancel" and took a screenshot and circled it in red.

It took some time but a subsequent phone call to them meant they had the confirmation they needed (as if they couldn't find it themselves) and after a nervous few minutes they said they could get us on the midday flight tomorrow. Ok, lucky I didn't purchase unnecessarily. Things were looking pretty good; we had an extra evening in Pingguo and no hotel to arrive at with knackered kids at 2am and being turfed out at midday with 12 hours till the flight. Yes, I'd have preferred the 5.30pm flight, but six hours in Shanghai airport after a decent night's sleep was very very good. Tan mentioned that we could spend the time in the lounge but I saw that there was a two-hour time limit. But I also saw there appeared to be three lounges so if necessary we may be able to lounge-hop. As an extra bonus I told Tan I'd cancelled the Shanghai hotel (she didn't know it was actually Beijing - and never will), but really it just meant not booking one for tonight at great expense. Hurray!

Back at home again after having sorted out the travel arrangements with Tan at Waip's I went to cancel the Beijing hotel as I would have had to do anyway. But try as I might I couldn't find any confirmation email. After a long time it finally dawned on me that Google had made a false positive - it must be that. The link from the Calendar item Google had created went to the travel itinerary, which only had flights. Somehow Google must have inferred a hotel booking. Moreover it wasn't for tonight but tomorrow. Ah and I thought I'd tipsily mis-booked - I should trust myself more.

Even though we had two cars prepared to leave soon, changing to tomorrow morning was no problem, and I even found the flight was 12.55, not midday, giving us an extra hour in bed. I let A Wu know the news and he said we'd meet up later. Waipo had told us they'd cooked a chicken so I went to hers to eat and pick up the kids. With an unplanned evening ahead I called Zhang Yangwen as I'd promised to a couple of nights ago and not been as good as my word. He picked the phone up before I heard it ring and said yes we'd meet up for a beer. He said he'd pick me up from our house after I'd dropped off the kids but when I called him he didn't turn up. 15 minutes later I asked where he was and he was waiting outside A Wu's old office. 13 years and I still make the same mistakes on phone conversations.

I followed him on his motorbike and we went to a place close to Beihai Haixian. He put the menu in front of me and told me to choose what I wanted to eat. Man I'd just called him and managed to misunderstand where to meet up and he thought I could read a menu in blurred Chinese characters? But actually I understood more than I thought; I ordered fried sweetcorn with pork mince, fried (rather than bbq'd) duck tongues, and horse meat.

He called a mate who couldn't make it, which is rather unlike here. I thought about calling a mate but I didn't know anyone who'd really fit in with Yangwen - he's not a local and is rather a professional it seems, as he's worked in engineering in some Arab states and Pakistan. But anyway sometimes you don't need many people and the two of us enjoyed the excellent food washed down with a couple beers at a much slower rate than I'm used to here.

Then he said he needed to make a phone call and spent a whole half hour on the phone. At first it seemed quite heated but then it turned more jovial and laughs emanated. Strangely, I could understand nearly everything he said, though still couldn't get the context. I suppose he speaks a more standard Mandarin than most people here, well he actually speaks Mandarin on the phone which is fairly strange in its own right. While he was speaking I watched a documentary on the tv about onions. The presenter was a Russian woman who spoke brilliant Mandarin, and it made me jealous, though I suppose it's not my job to interview people in China. Not that I wouldn't mind though - at least she was getting clear answers from people.

When he finished his call he apologised and said it was a work matter. I knew what he meant...sometimes we carry our work stuff with us and as inconvenient as it might appear to be it can actually enable us to have freedom we otherwise would only have dreamed of 20 years ago as we were stuck in an office.

By 10pm I thanked Zhang Yangwen for the food and company and made my way to meet A Wu at the boss’s place behind the KTV where I’ve been a couple of times with the kids this year. I’d been warned not to stay up late gallivanting and had no intention of doing so. When I got there I saw a ping pong table set out and boss Zhou in sporting attire. I Jokingly asked him for a match but he said yes. So there was me in long trousers and an admittedly short sleeved shirt, but a cotton shirt nonetheless facing my adversary. Well actually I did the UK proud mostly. I hadn’t had too much beer with Zhang Yangwen and was able to smash the ball around from left to right enough to really impress boss Zhou. People even helped us collect the balls. I was enjoying this more than I should be but realised I was holding up proceedings. Proceedings being eating and drinking.

We finally laid down our racquets (yes apparently table tennis bats are officially racquets, but lord knows how I’d explain that in Chinese) and sat down to eat a meal that I had no appetite to eat and beer I had no interest in drinking. But that’s not an excuse here, and while the air con plastered my soaking shirt to my back giving me goose pimples I endured a few gan beis not sad because I knew I shouldn’t be, but a little sad because I knew this would definitely be the last time this year. I made my excuses and left before 11pm for the first time this year.

I remembered to take a quick pic of the clothes I'm leaving behind in case I get to come back

More clothes that quite frankly could be chucked but who knows?

Last full day in Pingguo

Oh woe this is our last full day in Pingguo this time. Despite the packing I thought I'd done yesterday there still seemed to be a load to do. But I also had to sort out the sending of the swegways. So late morning I went to Waip's with the kids and realised how big and heavy they were. Thankfully Waipo had kept the boxes and polystyrene so I put Xixi's pink one in and realised there wouldn't be room for more than one on the dian dong che. That actually didn't matter that much as there would not be room for more than one kid either. So I got Leilei to accompany me to the post office near Lao Ma's salon.

There wasn't that much dian left in the dian dong che so we took it easy under the midday sun and thankfully when we got there there wasn't much in terms of a queue. I enquired as to whether it would be possible to send this to the UK or not and they answered by saying I was "Bangxu guye", yes I was husband of Bangxu woman but that wasn't the point. I dumped Leilei there with the swegway and said I'd be back in 5 minutes with the next.

15 minutes later I was back with Xixi and Leilei's swegway. Then I was told we couldn't send them as one parcel. My Chinese was good enough to disagree but my experience was good enough to realise that after questioning this I should let it lie. I nearly enforced binding the two boxes together but even though it would cost me just accepted it, mainly because I wanted to have an afternoon lie-down.

But bloody hell. I had to write down our UK address twice, for each package, among other details, and it took me a good ten minutes. Then they weighed the packages and after an almighty time faffing were ready to take 760 kuai. Actually not as much as I was expecting. I just checked with the woman that this was insured and she said "no". What? I had clearly written the value for insurance as 300 US dollars each and she'd ignored it. She then said "it should be ok" but I was having none of it. Oh it bloody meant we had to restart the whole process and write out the addresses four times again but I didn't get angry. I could have but I've been in this situation too many times and I had kids to witness me now. So I moaned a logical moan so they would understand, and apologised to the kids that their drink would now had to wait more. It was only 25 kuai each for insurance too, but a good half an hour in time.

Waiting at the post office

It seemed quite random that as well as the moon cakes the post office was also selling about 11 cans of beer

Finally we got home well after 1pm, after picking up some jiaozi at our local place. I was looking forward to a kip but Tan called me to say she couldn't get cash out using the HSBC bank card. As I still had 1200 kuai on me I told her I had 800 and I could give it to her so told the kids to behave on their own as I went to Waipo's to pass on the money. As luck would have it as I was half-way through the five-minute walk (as the dian dong che was charging), I got a call from A Wu asking me to "sing song". Normally such a call occurs at well after 10pm.

He was actually being true to his yesterday's word, by inviting me to "sing song". But it was just gone 3pm and I was in no mood. But I thought about it for a bit. I didn't have much time left here at all so I might as well go for it. I made an about-turn and went back to our house to get the kids. As it was our last day I slipped a slight portion of vodka into a bottle of apple-flavoured soda water, and had a little Awl-sized lug.

I would normally have walked to Waipo's but with the kids and the knowledge I had to go singing (even slightly tipsy) I decided to get a san lun che. This was actually the first time I'd done this with the kids for a couple of years so we took a couple of pics. It's queerly one of the things I'll miss the most from here.

One of the few san lun ches we've taken together this year

As I dumped them off at Waipo's I saw Tan, and told her I'd take her to A Xia's, but she said A Xia was on her way to pick her up and would take me too. So I had to embarrassingly explain to the san lun che driver that I didn't need him any more, but I still gave him 4 kuai which is more than he should have expected for the short ride to Waip's. A Xia came a couple of minutes later and despite the heat I lowered the window lest the wife smell any hint of the apple juice-laced drink I'd participated in 20 minutes ago. I think I got away with it. I said goodbye to Tan and A Xia promising I'd be back in time for tea at Waipo's.

I found the KTV place relatively easily but went on a little walk first. It seems Pingguo has a proper mall with loads of tea shops where Chuan Chuan takes the kids out while she plays cards with her friends. I don't particularly like it as it seems Westernised but that's just what people want. I do sometimes find it odd that there is so much jingoism here, just like most countries, yet the desire seems to be to have what other countries have.

The Pingguo Mall

Once in the KTV place I gave A Wu a call but there was no response. Not unexpected as he was probably in a loud room. After another unsuccessful try I asked the girls at the counter if they knew where Li Junwu (his proper name) was but they didn't. Normally he's quite well known so I was a little surprised. As it was, the doors to the KTV rooms had windows so I walked along a little way and it was only the third door before I saw him there.

He seemed genuinely amazed that I was able to find him and I was beckoned to sit down with a couple of blokes and a woman I'd seen last year. It wasn't like a big party or anything but they were pouring beers anyway. I noticed the cigarette smoke was particularly annoying so we opened the door to let some escape. As it wasn't particularly comfortable but I knew I'd be here at least 90 minutes I allowed a couple of gan beis to flow to make it easier.

I had enough to sing Ni Shi Wo De Meigui Hua and Pengyou, but it didn't really feel right while it was still light outside. At 6pm I finally got a response from Tan to say that they were eating now and I used that as a very genuine excuse to go back to Waipo's. No argument from anyone there.

Tea at Waip's was pretty quick so the kids and I were at a bit of a loose end. I decided I'd take them on a magical mystery tour, which really means getting on the dian dong che with no particular place to go and going there. We first went to my favourite watermelon juice place and although I got watermelon the kids wanted pearl tea. Next we moved on about 30 seconds to a place that looked like it fixed dian dong ches, and got our seat fixed so it no longer falls off when you lift it up to put something in the tiny storage space underneath it (or take something out of it). I felt a little guilty when they wouldn't accept any money for it, so insisted on getting a numberplate that Leilei chose, plus removed the front one which was really only an advertisement for LiMa, the brand of bike.

Then Huang called and I said I'd come around later. But first on our travels we found a bloke teaching people how to paint characters properly. Obviously I couldn’t resist but go in and within seconds the kids were given brushes and shown how to write 中, with the brush perpendicular to the table. It was an enjoyable 10 minutes and we left with our paper of characters and the promise that next time we were in the town we’d come back for more.

Practising calligraphy

The next half hour was taken up by random driving around until we came upon the new stadium area where we played for a little time and found the ant tree that we’d eaten lunch by two years ago. It’s good that the kids also now have memories of Pingguo dating back a few years. But now they wanted to go to the guangchang, and I couldn’t argue as it was the last night. They both went on the bungee trampolines but within a minute Leilei was complaining that the strap was hurting his balls and despite attempts at adjustment had to get off - I guess he’s growing up and out. Then Xixi complained she was uncomfortable too and she had to get off. A waste of 20 kuai that the stall-holder gave no impression she’d reimburse a penny of.

By the ant tree we'd picnicked by a couple of years ago - strange but fond memories

So it was time to pay a last visit to Huang the seafood boss. He was there with some mates and there was food but the kids weren’t too interested. As it turned out, Tan was at Tianyang Po’s bbq place a couple of minutes’ away so I took them there after a bit and came back where I could engage in a bit more adult-like conversation as Huang served more and more food and turned what I expected would be a couple of beers into a feast. But I had other commitments - the advertising shop people had invited me for a beer and said they wouldn’t be out too long, plus Zhuang Hua was ringing me to ask when I’d be coming around

We popped in to see A Wu before we went to Huang's seafood place

Huang's wife sorted the kids out with tea and served us a beer

Within minutes there were friends at the table

Making my excuses I first went to the guanggao (advertising) place where the boss’s work partner gave me a lovely bottle of sweetcorn alcohol that had little chance of fitting into my suitcase. We had a nice time and this is one of the places I will miss the most for no obvious reason, but more because it feels so normal and almost relaxing. It was now gone midnight so I apologised for keeping them up and they didn’t appear to understand why I was apologising and I realised I was just being English.

I went to back to Huang’s seafood place only to be called by Zhang Hua and I once again made my apologies that I had to leave again. We had a couple of beers, just the two of us, then he bade me take him to where his father-in-law was. Well he got on my dian dong che and we drove down to the river, nearly as far as the train station, and I was glad I’d topped up the battery during the afternoon. We finally arrived at some eating place where there were not many people left as it was getting on for 1am. His father-in-law was suitably oiled, as was his mate with whom he was drinking white alcohol. We sat down with them to their intense enjoyment and ended up gan bei’ing with them and the owners for a while until Tan called to ask where I was at 1.30am when we were leaving tomorrow. I thought about giving the obvious answer but decided I probably should be heading back.

Back home I made a concerted effort to check-in for tomorrow’s late flight, but Air China was having none of it and didn’t like my passport or ticket number. Why is it even these days there are so many numbers that could be used to identify a flight and it always seems so hard to determine the correct one? Or maybe I shouldn’t be doing it at 2am on the same day.

Last Supper 2016

I've still got this bloody cough but I think I slept more than the previous two nights combined. Even so, I still managed a short afternoon nap, so obviously still under the weather. I'd pretty much made up my mind to do my annual mates meal tomorrow as it was already getting on and I had doubts about the meal we'd been invited to tomorrow anyway. And even if it was on we could do our thing later. But at half past five it dawned on me that Yang Haiwei would be leaving for Tian Yang tomorrow so needed to sort something fast.

I called him to see if he could go for a bite at 6pm and he could. That was one down. Then I called Uncle Yellow and he could make it too. Li Kun was also available so there was definitely a meal on. Boss Zhou, who came last time but didn't make it to A Wu's when I realised I'd double-dated was in the middle of cooking for friends, but would be over later, and A Wu said he'd been invited out but would also make it later. We managed to arrange 6.30 as a more suitable time but I got there for six just before Haiwei turned up.

I considered inviting Baksec Zhai but I thought it may be rather below what he was used to. Boss Hu I also considered, but I'd rung him twice this year and the second time he said he'd call me the next day to invite me for a meal but never did. It's likely he forgot, but I didn't feel it appropriate to ring him a third time.

I was happy to eat outside but Haiwei wanted a room, so we got the one we nearly ate at last time and waited there for a bit. I needed some help ordering food but I ensured we got a couple of portions of fried octopus and squid but we told the cook to hold off cooking until more people had turned up. That didn't take too long and soon we were tucking into some nifty grub. I'd saved eight packs of Marlboro fags for this occasion and gave each bloke a pack each. Boss Zhou joined, and A Wu, A Ni, and their young son a tad later, making it a full table. The guys didn't want Li Quan, as it now has a reputation for being fake, so as there was no Snowflake beer we decided on the 2.8% Yanjing bottles. This was a good thing as the meal included several gan beis as it was effectively my last supper with my old friends. A Wu promised we'd sing song tomorrow, but we'll see what that means.

From left to right, Yang Haiwei, Boss Zhou, A Wu, A Wu's second son, A Ni, Lu Wen, Uncle Yellow, and Li Kun

It was good to start early though, as I managed to negotiate a reasonably early finish at 10.30, by which time most of the blokes were pissed enough anyway. The bill was 1100 - very reasonable for four hours drinking and eating, but I didn't have enough and had to go to the bank first. Back home I managed to find a good stream for the City - West Ham match and mostly enjoyed it, except for some worrying wobbles in the second half. I have found that you can get a lot of Premier League matches streamed officially now in China via PPTV and CCTV5 and even QQ. So far I've been lucky with PPTV but I know you pay for some. It's not the 10 kuai that I'd care about, more setting up the account.

By means of a celebration I went for a quick ride down to the river area at Jiang Bing Lu. I heard a shout and it was the bloke I was watching police stop motorcyclists with the other day. He gave me some bbq sweetcorn and opened a couple of beers, but right on cue Tan called to see what I was up to and ask why I wasn't home. So we finished the beers and I went home.

Sweetcorn and beer with the bloke I met the other day

Photos and Haiwei and foot massage

I spent the best or worst part of the day and early afternoon in bed feeling sorry for myself then realised it was wasted time, though grateful for a few snoozes. I hadn't forgotten the photo woman said they'd be ready after midday so still not having eaten I rode down to her shop to pick them up. Well 95 kuai for six (not five) 12" photos doesn't seem so bad when they've been laminated. I was going to buy a frame for at least one of them but I thought I'd have to cut the excess laminate, plus frames are quite personal and sometimes it's best to let others choose them.

I proudly took the prints to Waipo's house and showed them to Tan. "Why is there no frame?" was the response. Duh. I didn't know where Waipo would want to put them so the lack of a frame gave her more girth. The problem is, and I should have known, if you give a woman, or a person, a choice, then suddenly they inherit some responsibility and therefore have a chance of making things wrong. It's like when I ask if Tan wants something from the supermarket and I feel the negative vibes; she didn't want to be asked as it would be somewhat her fault if she forgot something. Men around the world should understand this, or at least accept it: don't give certain people choices. We might like it (like options on a new vehicle) but for others it's a threat - they want decisions made for them and if they're wrong they have someone to blame other than themselves.

Waipo wanted us to stay for tea as normal and as we don't have much time here, but Yang Haiwei had invited me to tea at his mum's as his elder son was back for the weekend. By "the weekend" he meant his son was back for a couple of hours and would be going back for three lessons this Saturday evening and more tomorrow. I don't think Waipo had any food prepared anyway so I drove most of the way to where I went the other week and only needed the WeChat Location info for the last bit to check where I was. It wasn't quite the large family affair of last week, but not far off. I did my requisite talking in English with elder son, then his natural mum came to pick him up at 6.20 to go to school. The mate who lives on the 23rd floor that we visited the other day also came, along with his favourite Yanjing beer. In a way I didn't mind as it was 2.8% rather than 3.1% of the Li Quans, so nearly 10% weaker.

But the problem was this mate wanted to drink 50% faster. I tried stalling tactics but he was well aware this would likely be our last time having a beer together, so fair enough wanted to make the most out of it. Haiwei's elder brother's wife and Haiwei's wife spent a good half an hour cutting up bamboo into tiny slices to put in the freezer, then set upone a huge honeymelon. Then big brother's wife used a great battery-powered mixer to make honeymelon smoothies for the whole family. It only made about a glass and a half at a time but as it only took about 30 seconds it didn't matter. Of course I instantly wanted one and she said she'd got it at a supermarket for 68 kuai. My next shopping list had already started.

One of the blokes' sons really didn't want to go and let him know in no uncertain terms

I managed to get away from the meal at a reasonable hour and made an appointment to meet the advertising people "in about an hour". Great, I had 60 minutes free time so decided to go for a foot massage as one does when one has this time. I went to the place I'd been to before when looking for an excuse of an hour's free boozing. This time though, the bloke rather than the woman took me. It's not that the woman is in any way pretty, I just don't like blokes massaging me. Looking back I clearly could have asked for the woman to do it but being British I just accepted it was him. To be fair instead of starting on the feet he did the top half first while my feet soaked, before moving, err, down.

But even half way through this massage I got a message to say that the advertising people were already at the bbq place waiting for me and it was I who had invited them. So I embarrassedly told the massage bloke I had to go rather quickly and although he nodded in some sort of agreement he continued as normal. I knew A Wu wanted me to go to the bosses' office but I'd clearly not turned up. When he called I made the mistake of telling him where I was. A few minutes later a red-faced boss turned up in the massage place and held his hand up and said "no no no!". I knew he wanted me to go upstairs and drink beer but I said quite firmly I was staying here and would be there "later".

But when it had finished I went to the advertising place. Nothing felt less enticing than 11 bosses drinking except for 12 singers singing. It was only the boss and her "little sister", yes that was what she was introduced as but I had my doubts and enquired further. It transpired she was six years younger than the boss and not blood-related. I asked how they had played with each other for 30 years when the younger was clearly 26 years old, and they mumbled some sort of answer. But this time I wasn't having any of it - I mentioned a few examples of when A meant B etc in Pingguo and they just had to accept that sometimes they said things that weren't officially true. So I got them to confirm this and then made some statements like Pingguo is two hours from England and asked them if that was ok. I'd like to think they got the point but they probably thought I was pissed. Then the annoyingly good-looking boss/partner came and at least gave me an excuse to drink more than half a thimbleful of beer.

It was actually a rather sobre and nice evening and I'm glad I chose it above the bosses' office, though it was nearly 2am by the time I got home.

My new football kit

The other day I went to find somewhere to print a couple of the photos of Waipo and her daughters. I didn't want something really posh, just a decent 12" sized print that she could look back on. I found a suitable looking place, rather than going to the wedding photo place that would have cost 400 kuai and taken a week, but found that the boss wasn't in as s/he was eating. So I came back in the evening and indeed she was there and said she could do some nice photos but it would take 14 days. Well I barely had four, so instead of telling her what I wanted I told her how much time I had and she understood and said we could print some 12" photos. I had chosen three of the nice ones from when Da Jie was here, and ordered five prints, with a couple of copies, that would be ready for tomorrow. She asked me if I'd already beautified them and I sheepishly said I had, well I'd let Picasa do a little work on them as I knew Tan or her sisters would have done the same.

Later, despite still feeling quite ill with this cough, I decided to pay a visit to Zhang Hua. He was on his own watching the shop but still invited me in for a beer. The football kit had arrived! It even had the matching shorts, both with the number 27 adorned on them. I really hope he hadn't paid the 118 kuai that was on the price tag for the top, but didn't question. There was certainly no question of my paying for it anyway, at least not with money. Eventually his wife and other family-in-law came around so we had a couple more beers, but nothing excessive.

Zhang Hua is on the right, and second from the left is "Lao da" - I think he's the father-in-law and he certainly likes a drink - Zhang Hua's son is in my arms

Zhuang Hua and wife

I'm sure more happened today but quite possibly I spent the rest of the time in bed feeling a little ill.

Cough and cold and a Boss Huang meal

Despite the lack of sleep yesterday for some inexplicable, although probably explicable, reason I got up at 9.30am. I suppose it was related to the fact I've come down with a cough and a cold. At about 10am I found myself in the top of a big wheel. For some reason I was part of a small party allowed to have the first chance to look inside one of the capsules. But then a few more people came inside and it started moving, and I realised I was now part of the first time this big wheel would go. It was ok until we got near the bottom and then we were plunged into the sea/lake for the last quarter. Luckily the capsule didn't leak and I worked out it was waterproof for this reason, but on coming out of the water we suddenly went up very quickly, and it made me feel sick. This went on for at least another revolution before I woke up. This was quite close to another Chinese hallucination I'd had a few years ago, and I hope to consolidate the ideas of graffiti and underwater exploration for my first big wheel - maybe I should crowdfund it.

Due to the weirdness of lack of sleep I remained in bed for more time that would be acceptable if I was working or had to look after kids. It's at these times when having a reasonably large phone really pays for itself; it wasn't much - mainly reading some Guardian articles with comments and theregister.co.uk - but it helped wile the time away as I coughed up phlegm.

Then Lu Wen called me to check about the boss meal. Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that - I'd told him that yesterday would be ok but had rearranged Baksec Zhai only to be told he couldn't make it. So really it should have happened yesterday, but what the heck? Could I make it tonight? I wasn't feeling particularly up for it but of course I said yes. Tan was invited too but wasn't that interested, so I took the kids to Li Jia He Xiang where I thought the English teacher's husband had invited us. But despite my WeChat conversation with Lu Wen, who said it was "the bloke who spoke a little English" I had got it totally wrong.

The bloke who had invited us was one of those from the other night where we'd got particularly drunk at A Ni's, and I didn't massively recognise him. But he recognised me for some reason. As we were about to sit down he made a rearrangement and suddenly we were put in a different room as the current one would be too small. I was fine with that and the kids didn't care as they had wifi (with an "88888888" password). We waited quite a long time for others to come, but they did eventually.

Leilei with Lu Wen's cute and podgy daughter - she clings to me

I think the boss's name is Boss Yong, though when I found him on WeChat he was Huang something. Again, I felt the pang of logic go through me and felt the need to ask why Yong and Huang? Which was correct? Which did he prefer? But despite the absence of beer I managed to hold it back - something that only 13 years of coming here will allow you to do.

Of course the meal was great, and much more was ordered than was needed. Then the boss's elder sister's husband (Jiefu) arrived, followed a bit later by Jiejie herself. Well everyone had wine glasses, and this time with my cold I thought this might be slightly better than beer. Boss Huang was transfixed on the kids and I told him I thought it was really important for them to be here mainly for the cultural experience. I told him I thought living in a different country was a great education and he seemed to agree with me more than is necessary. Then Xixi made a remark that she could be considered quite rude if she were to drink her glass and stick her little finger in the air, as is considered quite posh by some English ladies (according to her).

I translated this to Boss Huang and he went into a tirade about how intelligent Leilei and Xixi were! I didn't milk it at all and was merely presenting it as a fact. But he seemed to think I'd revealed the tincture of life or something. His elder sister then brought things back down to earth by proposing a toast and by this time I reached for ice cubes for my wine. I'd mentioned to them that the French would hate the way the Chinese drank wine, but after having tasted the room temperature way I realised they had probably been sent a dodgy box from Australia. I managed wine for a while, but protested about downing it due to my cold/cough, which I was really was milking. I'd done a pretty good job by the time A Wu ordered beer and the two of us continued with that for the remainder of the meal.

A Wu, Boss Huang's elder sister, and Peng

Chuan Chuan came to pick up the kids at 7.22 in her big Mazda, and off they went to see Ice Age 5, while I went back to nurse my beer. I had half a mind to add lemonade to it but at 1.25% that would almost literally have been taking the piss. I was quite impressed at how Huang's big sister was knocking the red wine back, though was is a bit larger than many women here. She overtook her husband in the drinking stakes, which I understand is akin to losing your face here. Then she insisted on inviting us to come to hers to eat. I couldn't do the next evening, or the next, but eventually settled on the 29th - oh great her birthday. But it's also the last night before we leave, which could be tricky if there's a family meal planned. But booking something four days in advance here? Something must go wrong.

I must have been quite ill as I don't recall going out later, though I quite possibly did. The advice here is typical: oh you have a cough - you should drink alcohol...oh you have a cough - you should not drink alcohol. Who to believe?