San lun che to dian dong che

Although up early enough to be playing table tennis, my back was still pretty awful, so I stuffed down three sugar-filled cereal bars to accompany the medicine. With Tan and the kids all asleep, a bit later I went down to the piano place to have a little practice. I noticed two bin bags outside one of our neighbour's doors and picked them up to take down with me and our rubbish too. I then realised how unlikely such an event would be and they might be concerned about foul play or something. Even worse, maybe it wasn't rubbish, but a quick check of the empty beer cans and throwaway food confirmed it was, and I was in no mood to go back up the 14 floors to re-deliver it. I think I'll continue doing this as and when I see neighbour's rubbish, and see if it's ever reciprocated.

I hadn't realised how un-soundproofed the cubicles would be. I tried to settle down to practise Gladiolus Rag but for the first few minutes it was so hard as the sound of the piano in the next room was louder than mine. I remember reading how Tiger Woods's dad would jump and scream at him while he was practising putting as a child, in an effort to make him oblivious to distractions, so I thought I'd try that tack, but then I thought what sort of person would try to put off someone practising the piano? Anyway it was pretty bad, though better than nothing and worth the 10 kuai for well over an hour. I now know where old pianos go to die.

Awful sounds on an awful piano with awful background sounds - three awfuls do not make a right

I brought back a bite to eat for lunch and then struck on the idea of getting a dian dong che. I'd actually thought about it a couple of days ago when Li Kun mentioned you could get one for a little over 2000 kuai. 2000 kuai was the price of A Ni's back in 2006 so it seemed very, if not too, reasonable. So after lunch I took Leilei and Xixi out on a san lun che to the place where all the dian dong che shops are. Knowing me, I could have dawdled on the decision to make such a purchase for a week or so, thus devaluing it as we'd have less time to use it. I used this potential devaluation as a means to spur me into making sure if we were going to get one it would be today.

Getting Tan's breakfast didn't take long

On the san lun che to the dian dong che place

At the first place we saw a few for between 2600 and 3300 each, and said we'd have a look around. The next place was a bit more pushy, as in they offered us water and tried to speak a little English. Then I realised if I was serious about getting one the only reason I would do it would be if Chuan Chuan could use it while we were away, so I called her and asked her to come to see them too. It was well that I did as she is very slight and many of them would have been too big for her. In the end I decided I'd like one with five batteries rather than four, for the extra 15 or so km it would give to the range, but the place we were looking at didn't have many 5-batteries at a small-enough size.

To the dismay of the shopkeeper we moved next door. The one thing I didn't like about that shopkeeper was that when you asked a price she always told you the "previous" price first, before telling you the actual price. That really put me off. There wasn't much in the next place either until I spotted a couple near the front in the burning sunlight rather than in the shade. There was one style that seemed to tick most of the boxes - small enough for Chuan Chuan, big enough for me and the kids, 5-batteries, plus the bonus of foot rests for the back passenger and a remote-control locking system. Chuan Chuan eventually haggled it down to 3000 kuai and we spent the next 30 minutes waiting for the bloke to fit it with all its accoutrements, including the batteries (worth about a quarter of the complete value). And then we drove away on our new, dark blue "Li Ma" bike, simple as that.

On our maiden voyage!

...before Chuan Chuan took them out to the swimming pool...

I was a bit disappointed at the performance considering it was new, and it was only when we'd reached home that I remembered that what would have been the horn button on the right was actually the gear button - there were apparently three gears on this electric bike. The next time I used it, to take Tan to Waipo's for tea, I moved it into second and it accelerated away very nicely. Phew.

Just as I was finishing tea with the family, I got a call from Haiwei asking to come over and have a bite to eat. I wasn't hungry but as the kids were going out and so was Tan I didn't have too much to do so drove home and got picked up a moment later, to have a second tea at big sister's house, as I had a few days ago.

I got a lift back around 9ish and found the kids a bit later to take back for a little drive, just as an excuse to use the bike. We went down to the place I bought my two tea tables from and met the owner there. He was very excited to see me and gave me a hug and got Leilei to take a couple of pictures of us using his iphone (the owner's). We then sat down and all drank some Pu Er tea, which was very nice. We spent a good 15 minutes there and Leilei was very interested in the various carving of the tables and was asking how long it took to do. He's a bit less shy this year, and Xixi is noticeably more open when talking with adults, which makes it considerably easier.

Leilei modelling his favourite tea table

We then drove to the guang chang for some bbq and Haiwei also came over for a bit too. The kids actually ate more than I expected, and Haiwei and I indulged in some cai ma, which I mostly lost much to Leilei's amusement.

When I got back and had them showered I realised how much the lack of siesta had taken out of me as I dosed off with the kids at midnight only for Tan to fetch me at 1.40 with a not-too-impressed look.

Back Pain Back

Woke up at about 5.50am and just had the energy to check the score. 7-0 Germany!! Both Awl and Mat were pinging me on Skype about it but under three hours' sleep had not made me very conversational and after waiting for the final whistle (7-1) went straight back to sleep.

Woke up again at 9ish when I noticed the internet had gone. I'm not sure how I noticed in my sleep. The fuse box is rather dodgy here, and trips so easily that there are toothpicks stuck in forcing the switches not to trip. The problem is that the one which controls the hot water tank and my study where the router is seems to be consistently winning the battle with the toothpick.

I got up ready to pull down the large cross stitch picture that covers the fuse box and immediately nearly fell to the floor with an excruciating back pain. I knew immediately that I'd be confined to the bed for some time and knew equally that to do so without the internet would be even more frustrating. So I made a superhuman effort to get the cross stitch thing off the wall, and not drop it, found the toothpick in question and rammed it in as hard as I could without breaking it. I then hobbled in agony the few feet back to Xixi's room and even lying down didn't stop the pain. I then realised I should have picked up and taken my medicine while I was on two feet. Given that the pain hadn't subsided I rolled over and managed to crawl out of Xixi's bed and into our bedroom and just grabbed all the medicine and a bottle of water and nearly passed out back in Xixi's room (as Tan had been asleep). Oh shit I'd forgotten to get some food to line my stomach. I couldn't walk any more but I realised I had a perfectly fit and awake daughter and called her to get me three breakfast bars which she did dutifully, as she was well aware of my pain.

I scoffed what medicine it was safe to do so and lay until the pain became less sharp. I gathered my thoughts and had to accept that it was probably the table tennis that had pushed me over. Almost exactly like last year where after five days of playing at least two hours a day something suddenly went. Tan said I needed a massage and I was in no mind to disagree but I couldn't at this moment.

Tan requesting approval for her threads before taking the kids out - approval granted

Tan took the kids out and I moved to our room where I discovered I needed to help out with some work stuff, which was good in a way as it took my mind off the pain. Around midday hunger set in to accompany my back pain but at least I could do more about that. I hadn't spoken to A Wu for a while so called him in case he wanted to share a bite to eat. He apparently was just starting a meal but he didn't say that, just told me to go to the nice restaurant Li Jia He Xiang. I guessed he was with someone work-related so had a shave and put on long trousers and socks and shoes.

Of course that caused me to be longer than the five minutes I'd suggested I'd be so I got the inevitable call to "hurry up!". Well I did take a san lun che for a couple of minutes that cost 4 kuai - such a ride would have been 3 kuai last year and 2 a couple of years further back....

A Wu was in a private room with A Ni and three other people from Nanning. I wasn't quite sure what their business was but one was the boss, another his junior, and the last the driver. It transpired that the junior bloke, Vincent, had studied at the University of Kent for six years about a decade ago. He was very keen to use English and I had by far the most fluent English conversation in Pingguo in 11 years save for those with the wife and the occasional foreigner. He'd actually lived in Charlton for a year too, so we were able to talk about a few local things. We exchanged contact details, which means WeChat ID and email these days. I think A Wu was quite glad that we'd been able to have this conversation, and I invited him to speak some of the words he knew in English but he looked rather embarrassed and refused.

Afterwards we went for quick trip to a place selling new apartments. It appears they are interested in investing in Pingguo and A Wu was showing off that the local economy is apparently booming.

Home beckoned, and so did a siesta after a G&T and some medicine, until nearly 6pm when it was time to go to Waipo's. I managed this walk reasonably ok, and after the meal I headed off to get a massage on Tan's advice. It was the same doctor in the same place as I had my severe acupuncture last year and it would be true to say he was not my best friend and my memories are still very fresh and raw.

So I was a bit taken aback when I couldn't find his place as I was sure I knew exactly where it was. I ended up having to call Tan and found out it was 50 yards away, but on the left hand side of where we used to live instead of the right. I'd spent three months living there before and thought I knew the area like the back of my hands and was literally flabbergasted that I'd made such a mistake. It wasn't a big mistake, but I used this experience to try to understand how other people make what I consider to be stupid mistakes. I will try to be more understanding in the future.

I explained to the "doctor" about my pain and why I thought it had happened, and that I'd been advised to get a massage and definitely NOT acupuncture. So I lay down and endured a sometimes painful massage until he started pushing down heavily on my back and caused me to wheeze and cough - then he said I needed to keep my mouth open when he did that...why didn't he tell me before? After the massage, which included some horrible "acupoint" manipulating, he asked if I wanted to do some "ba chung" (cupping). Oh well, in for a penny...it was the plastic ones rather than the glass ones with fire, and it was localised to the painful area and only lasted five minutes, after which time there was a bit more manipulation and I was told that was it. "You're feeling better now?". I said I was. I had just taken some co-codemol before I got there though.

A few doors away I noticed another place with pianos in it and couldn't resist walking in. There were three kids playing about and suddenly went a bit crazy when they saw me. I asked the adults, one of whom at least was a teacher, if I could come back and practice one day. Of course I could. As it was 9pm and they were closing I didn't have a tinkle but it looked a bit better quality place than where I'd been on the second day, plus it was air conditioned.

I wanted to know what the kids were getting up to on their evenings with Chuan Chuan, so called her and went to meet them at the milk tea place they frequent of an evening. They like it there because it has wifi and Leilei can play online games on the iped while the adults drink tea and play cards. I said I'd take them home, on foot rather than lazily taking a san lun che. It might take a bit longer but we get the time to talk about things. Leilei was talking about some place where there were Japanese flags that had been ripped up. I wasn't 100% sure where he was talking about but I said that the countries used to be enemies but that sort of thing is in the past now. But as we got onto our road we walked past a cafe with the flags of the World Cup hung above the pavement and sure enough every Japanese one was ripped. Now I had to explain that some people still hold resentment but that it is a rather babyish thing to do. I think he got it.

A sorry sight

Back home we showered, and then had some bbq Tan brought back later. Nice.

How many times do I have to tell you Xixi...?

The Holy Trinity of Li Quan beer

Table Tennis and Hospital x2

Up at an average 5.30am and crept about getting breakfast and finding clothes while avoiding waking Tan, until I left the house well before 8am with bat and ball in hand. But there was no-one around in the table tennis area so I went for a look around. There were a few old folk playing croquet, and one of the women started talking to me. It was a bit of a one-way conversation as I could barely understand a word she said, but when it came to describing the kids she put her thumbs up and with a golden smile (literally) she said "hen hao hen hao!".

Croquet, Pingguo style

I thought about asking the rules of Pingguo croquet but realised it would be next week before I had a clue. But just watching it didn't really help either, so I went back until someone came and spent the next two hours sweating like a pig and justifying any future unhealthy activity.

After a shower I said I'd go out and get Tan's lunch, but called Ma Laoban, my friend the manager of a computer shop, and arranged to go for a drink of tea and maybe a bite to eat. He's moved to a newer, bigger shop, and I found it reasonably ok. He thought I was mad to walk the nearly 10 minutes under the nearly midday sun but he doesn't spend 10 months a year in grey and cold. The two flights of stairs to his office really reeked of something but I couldn't put my finger on it, and was too embarrassed to ask Ma Laoban when I saw him, as it might have been some special fragrance or something.

We said a hearty hello and settled down to drink some really pleasant red tea, of which he said he'd give me some. He showed me some pictures of his new son, under two weeks old, and I was very happy for him as I've known him going on 10 years now. A couple more people joined us and I introduced myself to them to learn (not for the first time) that I'd met them before - but apparently it was some time ago. Then, finally, the four of us went for a bite to eat. As we went downstairs Ma Laoban apologised for the stink, coming from a broken fridge....

It was another lovely simple affair that was healthy and cheap; lots of greens with every dish, and a choice of rice, rice zhou or sweetcorn zhou for your carbohydrate. Although it was me who suggested eating I wasn't allowed to pay of course but I imagine it was around 15 quid including the beers, of which even though he doesn't drink, Ma Laoban did manage a whole small glass over the course of the meal as it was a special occasion.

The rice is self-service

The beginning of a lovely simple meal

I suddenly remembered Tan's lunch and called her but no reply, so texted her too but still no response. I guessed she'd gone out with friends. Ma Laoban said next year he'd invite me to go fishing in a lake he was creating, and then said we'd go and see how it was progressing. As it was in his mother's home town, just 10 minutes outside of Pingguo, I was happy to go as it shouldn't impact siesta time too much. We took his Toyota Landcruiser and drove up to this place off the beaten track where people had really dark skin and were washing clothes by hand just by the lake that was in the process of being made. Ma Laoban and I scaled the wall of the semi-filled lake and as we started I got a call from Tan asking where her lunch was...uh oh. We didn't stay too long but it was a beautiful place and I look forward to coming back next year.

Ma Laoban's mum's home town

We stopped off at the noodle place to get lunch in case Tan was still in, and then I was dropped off back home, where I dropped them off before going to Waipo's house to pick up the kids. When we got back the noodles were gone, which was a good sign, and I let the kids play on ipad (or "iped" as they are pronounce here), while getting a little shuteye. As is fairly usual I got a call to eat at Waipo's around 5.30pm so we all walked over there in what was quite searing heat for that time, enough to make you aware of which side of the road to walk on. After tea Chuan Chuan and I took the kids out for a bit to get some mosquito gel to put on bites, as the kids are susceptible, but then they decided to go on a san lun che with her to whatever it was that was more fun than the table tennis I suggested taking them too!

This was just as well as Haiwei gave me a call before I got home at 7.45 saying he'd pick me up at 8pm to go to the new table tennis place people had been talking about. A few minutes later I got a call from my new friend Zhang Liangwen, who also asked me to come over. I said I'd be 15 minutes. But when Haiwei turned up at nearly 8.30 he said we'd first go to his house to pick up his wife who was sick, and take her to hospital to stay the night. She did look rather ill, and apparently had a temperature of 38.8 degrees. After we dropped her off it was 9pm when we got to the table tennis place.

I rang the bell and a minute later a key was lowered down in a water bottle attached to a long string from the sixth floor. We made our way up to the said floor and found a large area sectioned off into about 12 smaller areas each with their own table tennis table. Apparently the whole building belongs to one of the blokes I've known for a few years who is an amazing table tennis player. But I didn't see Zhang Liangwen. I called him and it turned out he had a matter to attend to so we agreed to meet soon.

It was a good hour of mostly topless back hand practice, and I was glad to have cold water to replenish what I lost. Then at 10pm I noticed Tan was calling. She was in a bad mood and it transpired A Heng had been involved in some altercation that had damaged his arm and it may have to be cut off, and where was I and where were the kids? The phone was slammed down so I called Chuan Chuan and explained to Haiwei I had a matter to attend to so left to pick them up. We took a san lun che home and arrived at the same time as Tan. Apparently A Heng had been the unintended recipient of a thrown knife in an argument early in the morning of some night place. It wasn't that serious a cut and there was no chance of needing anything more than a bit of care and attention in hospital for the next few days, and the whole matter seemed a lot less urgent than 20 minutes ago.

I got the kids showered and said I'd take them for a little bbq, but Tan didn't want clean kids to risk getting sweaty again, so I took their orders for some sausage and duck tongues. Tan said she didn't want anything. I went on my own and ordered 10 duck tongues, five chicken claws, five "fat beefs" and the sausages before Haiwei called me to say he still had my tea in the back of his car. I told him to pop around for a beer while I waited for the bbq and in the end we stayed nearly an hour and had an interesting chat about business and so forth. He gave me a lift home and this time I remembered to take the Sheng Pu tea he gave me yesterday. I had a suspicion Tan would be peckish and sure enough she wolfed down the chicken claws and I put the sausages in the fridge as the kids were now asleep.

I made the mistake of checking work emails and realised there were a few things I could do to help colleagues prepare for a meeting tomorrow, so prepared some stuff for an hour or so, before chatting with Awl on Skype. It was gone 2am and I was really knackered but the thought of possibly watching Brazil - Germany was alluring. I fancied Germany and put a quid on 5-2 at 500-1, but although I made it well past 3am I passed out before kick off at 4am in Xixi's room as the kids were both in Leilei's room.

Food and Poo Tea

Despite no kids sleep was once again fractured so much that I didn't bother getting out of bed till 9ish and left Tan while I had a coffee and bit of breakfast to wash down my back medicine. At midday Tan went out to meet A Xia, and a bit later I stepped out of the house to find a bite to eat myself. I had the idea of going back for a nap later so considered getting some jiao zi from the local shop but instead gave Haiwei a ring to see if he wanted to eat too. "Have you eaten yet?" is what is usually used for "hello" here, so by the time we'd both said "hello" to each other I no longer needed to ask if he'd eaten, which somewhat shortened the conversation. He hadn't and bade me come to his office for a quick cup of tea first.

His office is five minutes away from our place but I had a little trouble locating it as for the last few years it had a great wooden eagle standing at the bottom of the stairs. As I was standing looking at the space it should have been occupying and wondering if I'd come to the right place I heard a woman's voice coming from a car nearby: "There's no-one there!". I explained that I'd just been told to come around and she shouted back "that's ok then". I had no idea who I'd find upstairs but I shouldn't have worried; Haiwei was there and we went to a new room where he was brewing up.

I didn't really want to drink tea as it can keep you from sleeping, but it was very nice and quite gentle. And Haiwei kindly gave me a pack of this 10-year-old Sheng Pu tea. More blokes popped in and half an hour later we got in a couple of cars and went to a nice simple place where I ordered a sort of omelette with greens and a couple of other relatively simple dishes. Beer was ordered (not by me) and consumed, and then more ordered. I didn't mind in the least as it would bring my beckoning sleep that much closer, or so I thought. More blokes came over the next hour or so, including 2-1 who I remembered from four years ago during the last World Cup.

A mate, 2-1 and Haiwei where we had a relatively simple meal for once

Haiwei mentioned that his big sister had a daughter who was going to spend a year in a British university, and that one day he would arrange a nice seafood meal and could I come and talk with her when he arranged it? I made some joke about my work for Haiwei being so hard as it involved talking to young Chinese ladies and the blokes seemed to think it was funnier than I expected, so we ganbei'd and ordered some more beer.

Then Tan called, as though she had a remote beer monitor on her phone. But she was actually asking me to get some money out for Ling Ming's wedding; apparently we have to give 2000 kuai as everyone else did. This suddenly reminded me that I hadn't gone to try to retrieve my bank card from the bank, but I didn't tell her that. Instead I told her that I'd come over to A Xia's place to pick up her card as I didn't have mine on me, which was 100% true.

I mentioned about my card to Haiwei. I'm glad I told him as he knew exactly which branch to go to and it wasn't the one I would have gone to at all. So we drove there and sort of pushed in a queue to ask about my card. The teller seemed to know exactly what they was talking about and asked for the number of the card. I was quite looking forward to showing off that I knew all 16 numbers, but they only asked for the last four. And that was it - I had my card back with no further security requested. To be fair I don't expect it's every day that an Englishman leaves his bank card in an ATM in Pingguo. I then called up HSBC to unblock the card, went to the bank to withdraw the cash and brought it over to Tan a few minutes later.

I don't know if it's my Chinese or Haiwei's quick wittedness or both or neither but after this we went to the market to buy a load of seafood. I quite enjoyed the experience, chatting to the market stall holders and picking up the crabs, pretending I knew what I was checking for, when the penny dropped that the meal was to be tonight. I protested that I was tired and needed a nap but was just told we'd get there and drink tea first so it would be ok.

Four of us then went straight to Haiwei's big sister's place, by which time it must have been 4pm. There were actually two houses, one on the fifth, and one on the sixth floor, probably extended family. We went to the one on the sixth floor first to meet the family, who seemed very decent, middle-class folks, before going down to the fifth floor to drink tea with the father. He looked a bit young to be retired, and had dozens if not hundreds of packages of tea in the room. We sat around drinking tea that to me tasted like boiled fish that had been living in polluted water. When asked about it I said honestly that it had a distinctive taste. The father then explained that it was expensive because it was the shit of the insects that lived on the tea leaves. "Aaah", I said. I was so relieved when we moved on to some tea made from actual leaves.

2-1, the father, a mate, and the daughter enjoying a few glasses of insect-poo tea

Despite its nature, the tea wasn't keeping me very awake. I did a rather Chinese thing and got up from my seat, went and sat on the wooden sofa and closed my eyes. I was a bit worried about falling asleep so I avoided counting, even in French, but I felt myself dropping off a little anyway. I eyed a couple of small pillows and just lay down a little to rest my head on something other than wood and the next thing I knew Haiwei was waking me telling me it was time to eat. I didn't know if it had been 30 seconds or 30 minutes but I groggily got up and went upstairs to the sixth floor where it was waiting for us. Haiwei was cooking the last of the greens and we all sat down to tuck in.

Minutes later there was a knocking on the door and a little cheer as some bloke walked in with two crates of 24 cans of beer, ordered, as is usual here. I don't know why we don't have this service in the UK - after all, people order pizzas on the phone.... As is usual more people came during the meal. The girl who is going to UK and Haiwei's elder son started off a bit shy but ended up speaking some English to me and I reciprocated, telling their parents how good they were and how hard it must be to learn here in Pingguo etc. I'm not sure if it was in any way because of this, but the father then presented me with a rather expensive box of tea, which I was slightly relieved to hear was not the insect poo version, and would get better with age.

We did play quite a lot of cai ma, and I won quite a bit too, so I wasn't too affected by the beer. And we left at a reasonably civilised 10.30pm. I got a lift home and found that the kids were once again staying at Waipo's with Chuan Chuan so when Tan got back we had a relatively nice early night.

Hot weather, cool G&T, and tea

It was a fractured sleep; I woke up at 4.45am and saw that it was 0-0 at half time in the Holland - Costa Rica match. I very probably could have gone out and found a bbq place showing the game but I didn't think Tan would appreciate that, plus I was still tired. By the start of the second half I dozed off and woke again at about 6.30 when I found the match had gone to penalties. That was a bit exciting, especially as the Dutch coach had made a fascinating substitution in the last minute of extra time and swapped the goalkeepers. It seemed to have paid off as Krul saved two penalties and Holland went to the semi final. Now I'm worried about this master tactician, Louis Van Gaal, being Man Utd's manager next season.

There was no way of getting back to sleep after that so I had a cereal cake and a cup of coffee and donned my white socks and other sports gear and at 7.30 headed out to the old people's leisure centre. But rather than go straight there I went for a gander in the guang chang and enjoyed the delights of the early morning by watching people dancing, doing some sort of tai chi with swords and other things you wouldn't see in the UK.

Walking in the guang chang in black and white so I can imagine what it looked like before colour photographs

I'd actually really like to join in in this

By 8 I was playing table tennis and didn't stop till well gone 10, when I got home, showered and got some breakfast for the kids and noodles for mama. The kids then went out with Chuan Chuan and Tan went to A Xia's shop, and I took advantage of my time alone in the house to sort out my study properly and do some clothes washing and drying. It felt so good to have a nice clean office with mostly my stuff, and I'm so glad we installed air conditioning a couple of years ago.

Geeky heaven (although generally there will be only the one on the right)

I noticed we needed water. This is normally something that happens around once a week, but doing so much table tennis means I take a litre with me each morning so it goes down a bit quicker. I called the number I still had in my phone and ordered not just a replacement but also a spare one. The bloke put the phone down straight away and I had a doubt that he hadn't understood and maybe thought I was a prank caller because I didn't know the word for "large bottle", which apparently was "dong". So I called him back and he politely confirmed that all was well and the water was on its way. Maybe my Mandarin is ok then.

As I knew I'd be grabbing a siesta again I took advantage of the 70s style soda maker I bought last year. I'd already filled it with water and kept it in the fridge as cold water gets more fizzy. I put a tad of the sodastream concentrate in the glass, a bit of duty free gin, then squeezed the trigger and lovely fizzy water filled the glass and I had a lovely refreshing G&T while I skimmed the news on the laptop. I finally felt I was really on holiday and properly relaxed, and felt my eyes drooping a little.

But suddenly my phone rang and it was the water bloke asking which floor we were on. I couldn't be bother to say the 15th because 14 is unlucky and just buzzed him in and told him to come to the 14th floor, house A1. True to their word, he brought two bottles, one of which he exchanged and the other I hid behind the side of the sofa. Although it is a good idea to have two bottles, I wasn't sure Tan would agree. He didn't have change for my 100 kuai note so I asked him where the office was and said I'd pick it up later. But he just told me not to worry and to pay it next time we ordered water. I had to admit it was easier that way and after a little British protestation said goodbye. I hope either he or I remembers that.

As I was awake again I made another G&T and went to bed and fell flat asleep from 3-5pm at which time I got a call from Waipo to come to eat. Then somehow I drifted off again and then Tan called me to say she was going to Waipo's to eat too so at least I wouldn't be late.

Gosh, after a couple of days of mostly rain, it was proper scorchio outside but it was a nice hit of sunlight to kickstart my vitamin D production. When I went home the kids wanted to stay with Chuan Chuan, so I didn't argue. Then Li Kun rang to say he was back from Nanning and invited me to drink tea with him in a bit. So I did, in his new house. And it really was drinking tea, except for the last half an hour when we had a couple of beers. He asked me for advice in buying antique China porcelain from the UK, and seemed to think I could just bring it through customs. Although not sure why it would be cheaper in the UK, I had to explain that if I was found with 10,000 pounds' worth of Chinese vases I'd have to pay shedloads of tax. I think he got the message.

Li Kun had given me a lift on his electric bike (dian dong che) and we'd also started talking about that. Apparently you can get them still for 2000 kuai. Mmm I'm so tempted if that genuinely is the case (and I have my doubts). I'm half thinking that we could possibly get one and let Chuan Chuan use it when we're not here as she will spend a lot of time with the kids (of her own volition of course - but it really helps us). Speaking of Chuan Chuan, I found the kids were happy to sleep with her tonight, so I got a lift back from Li Kun's place around 10pm and had a relatively guilt-free evening and relatively early night. The only problem was I'd completely forgotten to go to the bank to retrieve my card. Oh well, maybe they don't open on a Sunday....

Pressure and Beef

Up at 7am after under four hours' sleep! I felt a little groggy and my back was hurting so I had a little breakfast and took some medicine. No-one else was stirring so I had a coffee and even though I didn't feel like it I put on some white socks and went to the old people's leisure centre to wash away last night's sins. I never regret doing this. You really sweat it out even when playing rather leisurely, which is not often.

I really needed to fart, but no-one would let me off the table. After I lost once, someone else would come and challenge me, and as much as I enjoyed it the gas was building up inside me. Even though most of the people here are my senior by some 20 years they don't seem to pass wind noticeably. Then some new bloke I hadn't met before brought me upstairs to the room with a single table where the pros normally go. As I was walking up with him I couldn't really let one rip so I manfully kept it in.

We were doing a bit of smashing practice and I was trying not to break my back when one of the women walked past and he bade her come in and play me. Damn, I thought with just him in the room I could flatulate and at least only one person would know. But somehow, maybe concentrating on being decent I was not thinking how much I would lose by, and ended up beating her 3-2 in games. It was better for my confidence than for my lower intestine.

Then I lost 3-1 to the bloke, who's name is Zhang Liangwen, and who told me he'd call me to go and play at a new place with 12 tables. I was happy and said ok, but happier to be able to leave the place as it was already 10.30 and I had three hours of sweat outside me and a fart the pressure of a sodastream canister in me. But as I left, one of the other elders in the place was leaving, and accompanied me to the foot of our building, and then stood chatting to me for a couple of minutes while I made the excuse of having to wake up the kids before leaving him to go home. But home means getting in the lift for 14 floors. I dreaded the chance of meeting one of our neighbours at the 14th floor waiting for the lift so held in my gas for another 35 seconds and as I rose I could feel the pressure of the higher altitude exacerbate the feeling in my lower region. Tan may have still been asleep but the noise I made on the toilet probably roused her from her slumbers.

Showered, and back to normal in a decompressed state I took the kids out for breakfast. As it was 11am the normal dou jiang place was out of stock of much of their morning produce so we walked about a bit until we came to the jiao zi place I have frequently frequented in the last few years since we've had our house. Both of them ate a portion of bao zi once we brought them back home, and I had some jiao zi.

Unfortunately the air conditioning unit in the master bedroom is leaking water, so we went to the place where we bought it from four years ago where Tan's aunt works. One of the blokes there told me to open it and clean it first, and if that didn't work to call him. Once home I did remove the air filter from the front and Tan cleaned it, but within minutes it was leaking again. I didn't call him though because I was getting tired and needed sleep.

It was now gone midday and Leilei wanted to play with A Da so I gave A Ni a ring and we organised that A Da would come around in a bit. I was a bit worried as A Da is now 14 and already last year had broken his voice, whereas Leilei is still a boy, and I didn't think they'd have much in common. A Da turned up a bit later with an ipad in hand though and within minutes they were sorting out some online game. After my early start I was really flagging now so a bit later I took them and Xixi to A Wu's office to continue playing, while I went back to get some kip.

I had started counting in German and got to no more than about 15 when I got a phone call from A Da to say that Xixi wanted to come home. I more than expected that and asked him to take her back so I didn't have to put on clothes. Unexpectedly Xixi turned up five minutes later with A Dong, A Xia's husband. Unfortunately I had just had another episode of flatulence and not worried about filling the sitting room with it just before opening the door. A Dong at least pretended not to notice; he had heard about our air con problem and had turned up with a tube and screwdriver. Within a minute he diagnosed a blocked exit tube and soon fixed it. Phew. I let Xixi play on Tan's laptop while I grabbed more fractured sleep in our bed in 27 degree warmth.

I got woken up at 4.45 by Waipo asking if I was coming to eat. I said probably, but noticed I already had a missed call from Haiwei. Then Uncle Yellow rang to ask me if I could go out to "eat beef" with him in a bit. I rang Tan to check and she said it was ok if I didn't go to Waipo's house to eat, so called Uncle Yellow and he said he'd pick me up in 10 minutes. That didn't leave me much time to put out the clothes to dry but I managed it in 20 minutes and took Xixi down with me and used the aged-old excuse that the lift took ages to come.

In the car Uncle Yellow happened to mention that he had changed the colour of his car from orange, so I finally felt vindicated in my surprise at its non-yellowness the other day, but not impressed at how easily I had let myself think I had perceived the same colour as yellow last year.

Uncle Yellow's orange car

We went to A Wu's office to pick up Leilei and dropped them both off at Waipo's house, with no protestation at all. We drove to a new place that hadn't been built this time last year and found ourselves in a private room with three blokes and one of their wives. Two of the blokes I knew from the cool cave the last few years, and the other was from near Shanghai but married to a local. He was jokingly berated somewhat as I was also married to a local yet I could speak some of the local language.

There was a huge metal bowl of beef soup in the middle of the table and all manner of raw cow parts around it. They took pleasure in serving me interesting-looking parts and then telling me it was a testicle or part of the ball-sack, and that it would help my nether region (not that I needed it!). After half an hour the beer was poured. I noticed it was 8 degrees and for a moment worried it might be really strong, but in fact it was 2.5%, so I was happy to indulge in cai ma with everyone and ended up staying till 10pm by which time I made the excuse of having pick up Leilei and Xixi, so Uncle Yellow took me back, after I'd ganbei'd with everyone there again.

Some raw beef ready to be cooked in the soup

Friends at the beef meal

Back home I got them showered while answering phone calls asking when I was coming to watch the footy. I would have liked to go out to watch Belgium v Argentina at midnight but after getting the kids to lie down I pretty much collapsed into our bed as the game was starting.

Passports, Pianos, and Ping Pong

Up at a very reasonable 9.15 seeing as it was 2.15am in London. Maybe I've cracked this jetlag already. Tan was not about but the kids were still fast asleep. I had heard them up quite late last night even when I got back from the bbq so I didn't rustle them. I guessed Tan had gone to sort out her SIM card as hers was too big to fit in her phone.

I just enjoyed being home for a bit and did a little sorting out before remembering I actually had some important things to do: sort out internet in the house, replace the cord on my jade necklace that Tan gave me when we met 11 years and nine months ago, and register us UK citizens with the police. So I called Tan but Chuan Chuan answered and I understood she had just got Tan's SIM card cut to micro size and was on her way to drop off the phone. Of course as soon as Tan had her phone back I got a call but it was to take the kids to A Xia's shop. But first things first; we needed to eat. There was nothing in the house as usual so we went to the dou jiang place to pick up whatever was left, then took a san lun che to A Xia's place. Unfortunately I still don't know the names of most of the roads here even though I know them well, so I had to explain to the san lun che driver. I remembered that since we were last here 10 months ago there is a new cinema near A Xia's shop so just asked her to go there.

We arrived at A Xia's shop and walked inside to the bemusement of what appeared to be the shopkeeper, who evidently wasn't A Xia. We apologised and left and I got out my phone in order to call and berate Tan for not telling me that A Xia had moved. But before I could dial the shopkeeper came out of her shop looking less bemused and shouted to go to a place next to a certain shop that was pointing distance away. It wasn't the power of language or of pointing, but rather luck, that Xixi found the place as she recognised A Xia through the window. The shop was twice the size of what she previously had, and as usual there was no-one there except her and friends chinwagging as they do.

Interestingly for me, neither Leilei nor Xixi wanted to accompany me to the police station to be registered, so I happily left them with Tan and other females and started the unspeakable act of actually walking more than 10 minutes in the lush humid heat of Pingguo. My priority - internet at home - I had been told was out of my hands and I'd already texted Ling Ming to help me out there. But the next two I could do myself I hoped.

I walked to the centre of town amidst the pulsating sounds of crap pop music deafening me from each shop that sold mobile phones (most of them that aren't clothes shops it seems) until I found the place I've been coming to just about every year now to re-thread my necklace. About time too as the bit holding on my jade pig was very bare and in danger of breaking. Plus, my jade bracelet given to me about seven years ago from A Wu had been badly fixed last year and was too big for my wrists. I showed them both and explained what I wanted done and said I'd be back within the hour.

I continued my walk to Jiang Bing Lu, which is the only road I know the name of here. I don't even know the name of the road we live in. On the way I got a call from Uncle Yellow (Huang Lei) and he told me that the police station in Jiang Bing Lu had closed down and I had to go somewhere else. I trusted my less-than-perfect command of Mandarin so much that I didn't believe him so continued on my way. I went down a street that I'd either not happened upon before, or was new, or both, and decided to take it. After a minute I heard the inspiring sounds of out-of-tune pianos, and I had a yearning to tinkle. I walked past the place and it seemed to be a school or something, with tiny rooms along one side the width of a piano, and not that much deeper - just enough to allow a stool.

Despite my temptation I didn't walk in and ask to have a go, and continued on until I found a shop selling large water bottles but with a blue band on the window saying "Police". It took a couple of minutes, and a difficult conversation with an old lady, to realise that I had understood Uncle Yellow correctly, but had refused to accept it. The police station had moved.

Not wishing to appear as though I'd gone the wrong way, I continued in the direction I'd been walking only to realise a minute later I was just making my way back even longer. I realised I wasn't in London and did a very un-British thing and turned around and walked back the other way (hoping no-one noticed of course). I went back the way I'd come and this time my temptation got the better of me when walking past the music place. I ventured in and was immediately surrounded by the young girls that I assumed were there for music lessons. I asked if I could have a quick tinkle and they all shouted for the teacher, who was upstairs. She came down and said of course I could.

It's a very strange thing for me. My favourite purchase over the last 10 years is (except for our place in Pingguo) my digital piano. It's allowed me to get back into playing after 20 years because you can plug in headphones and not disturb people. I should have got one years ago. But having an audience makes it so so different. I know how easy it must be to score a penalty when no-one's looking but in the World Cup in front of 80,000 people and a quarter of the world and some just can't do it. For me it's not 80,000 people, but even recording myself playing the piano almost completely changes the way I play. At least until I get into it and forget about the outside influence. I think those professional musicians must either have a way of shutting out the outside world when performing, or somehow their personality is bordering on the sociopathic in order just not to be aware of others.

So here I was, sitting at the piano in front of about eight 10 year old girls and a couple of ladies, thinking I'd screw it up but actually I didn't do too badly. All I played was the AABBA bit (the first half or so) of The Entertainer. There's something about ragtime that is so sympathetic to out-of-tune pianos and I think that helped me. I don't think anyone had heard that piece of music before but they said nice things about it. I was pleased as punch that it had gone ok, and asked if it would be possible to practise some time (I brought some sheet music with me for this reason), and was told of course I could, any time up till 6pm. I can't wait - last year I'd just had the digital piano a couple of months before going to China and it was the thing I missed most.

I realised although I'd been told the road, I had no idea where the police station was, so called Uncle Yellow when back in the centre of town. He said he'd come around and help out. I was grateful as he is in some way part of the police here, in that he wears the uniform at least. I asked if he was coming in his little yellow car and was told he was. A few minutes later, what looked like his car turned up but it was bright orange. But it bibbed at me and I realised it was Uncle Yellow. I wondered how my perception of his car being yellow in the previous years (not to mention the link with his name) had been so wrong.

Well I didn't wonder too long as I got in and shook his hand. If his car had been any bigger I might have been able to give him a hug but it's not much bigger than a go-kart. We went to a police station, and were told to go to another section, then another, then finally another before finally happening upon the place where I could register us. I suppose this is not a regular thing here. But it is computerised somewhat, and the same lady as last year was able to bring up all our details based on our Chinese names. She printed off the forms and I noticed errors in all of them. So what should have been a 15 minute job took closer to an hour, and I felt a bit guilty as she should have been eating, but she diligently corrected the errors (Leilei's date of birth, my arrival airport etc.) before reprinting and handing the stamped official documents to me. We were now officially here!

During this time, Uncle Yellow's wife, Xiao Chong, had been calling him to come and pick her up from the bank. He'd been saying "2 minutes" quite a few times, but I know it would have been the same in my situation. We eventually got there around 12.30 and she appeared with a black bag that we normally use to put rubbish in, but in this case it had about three inches of 100 kuai notes in it that was the reason she wanted to be picked up. She got in the car and insisted on doing a couple of selfies with me before leaving. Gosh I really hope I used the right term there.

Uncle yellow took me to Waipo's house where the kids were. This time I didn't go and hug her. I think she sort of likes it but the more I'm here the more I'm being like a native. I just nonchalantly nodded at her and I think she appreciated that more than a hug. I had a bite to eat there. Apparently lunch had been ready since 10.30am but I couldn't have done that. There was only zhou, no rice, and as I don't eat zhou I just had some beans, which didn't quite fill me up. But I didn't care; I just needed sleep now.

As luck would have it, it started raining. Those thumb-sized raindrops you get here. I thought sod it, I needed to go to the supermarket to get some washing powder and mats to stand on when you get out of the shower so walked there and got a little wet. So what? It was far cooler than it otherwise would have been. At home, sleep was fractured but appreciated. I wouldn't have known I'd slept as every time I checked the time it was 15 minutes past the last time I checked, but the dreams told me I did.

I did get up when Waipo called me to tell me to come to eat at 4.45. Then a minute later Tan called me to say the same thing. We had a nice family meal that lasted all of 20 minutes before people started leaving. Chuan Chuan wanted to take the kids out to the cinema, which they were more than happy with, and this gave me time to get home and sort out the internet. In fact, far from what Tan had said about having to reprovision it, Ling Ming had paid for two years in advance, and we still had time to go. All I needed to do was to put in the password for the SSID he had created "pengduoming".

Feeling pleased with having connectivity again, I ventured out to the bank to get some cash. Nothing new, except that when I got home I found I had a missed phone call and a message from HSBC saying to call them immediately about a potential fraud issue. I was miffed as I'd already registered online to say I'd be in China for some time, so was ready to have a bit of a go as I didn't want to spend money on calling them. But when I looked for my card to get the details for them I realised I couldn't find it. I did that patting around all possible pockets before dawning on me that I must have left it in the cash machine. Somehow the systems must be joined up and HSBC must have been trying to tell me I'd lost my card. I was glad I'd controlled my initial anger about being expected to make a long-distance call to confirm I was where I said I'd be.

I did first try by Skype but for the last couple of years at least it's been crap when calling phones. That's really disappointing - I could try installing the Chinese version I suppose but I suspect something more than the app itself would be installed. I got through on my UK mobile only to find that it was a "routine" fraud call, as they'd noticed I'd made a withdrawal in China, as I said I would on their web page. So I was a bit angry again as this was an expensive call, but once again I didn't vent it and took advantage of it by asking to block my card until I'd retrieved it (if that would be possible). I also took the time to make Tan's card useable here, something I'd promised to do back home. I think there is a lesson to learn from not venting one's spleen before taking time to consider the consequences, although there are extenuating circumstances where that is not practical (try explaining that to most people...). Now I have to remember not to mention any of this card stuff to Tan.

With the kids being seen to, and Tan out with her friends, I realised it was getting on for 8pm and I'd sorted those things I had aimed to do, so did the only sensible thing and donned my shorts and old Man City top and went to the old people's leisure centre to see some old friends and play table tennis. On my way I bumped into Uncle Yellow who was at a baby shop that had just opened with Xiao Chong and their son of three. I had planned to go to the bank to see if I could retrieve my card but he said not to bother as it would already be closed, and reminded me that we were to meet up this evening to watch the footy.

It's probably my favourite place here, and there were many old faces I recognised and I spent a good two hours sweating out the couple of beers I might have had for lunch earlier. There was a new bloke who had amazingly spinny serves and I felt like Andrew must have felt when I came back from China in 2009 with spin to completely change the game. He insisted on playing a game straight away and was pulverising me 5-0 before I almost flukily tamed one of his serves. It was the sort of return that the server cannot even deal with. I got a round of applause and realised then that I was being watched. But such was my sweat and fatigue that I didn't take into account the audience and simply focused on not losing 11-1. It was 11-3, but those precious three points were deserved, and all got applause. Then I realised it was best of five, so I had to go again. I won a great point (in my opinion) on my backhand-forehand-sidespin serve, but not many more. I lost the next two games of course but my relief in being able to walk off with the knowledge it wasn't 11-0's was removed when I found out that best-of-five meant even though you'd lost you still had to play five games. Ok so it was 5-0, but I had relaxed a bit and managed a few more points. But bloody hell I had to go home to shower after that.

The kids were back by then and not quite ready for bed so I took them to grab a bite to eat at the bbq place by the guang chang. No sooner had I got out of the house when Haiwei called me. I told him where I was going, and to come along, and he said he'd be there straight away. I also remembered to call Uncle Yellow. It had been raining most of the day and still was, so we sat inside while Haiwei ordered some bbq and beer. Neither of them touched the bbq, or Leilei, so Xixi and I munched through it for a bit until it was 11.30 and the footy was starting in half an hour. I said I'd go and shower the kids and expected to come back to watch, but Haiwei said we'd be going somewhere else. Then Lu Wen rang while doing the kids and I said I'd call him in a bit as didn't know what was going on. Then of course Haiwei called me to ask where I was but finally soon after midnight I left them with Tan and got out and into Haiwei's Land Cruiser and ended up going to new bar in Jiang Bing Lu. Lu Wen called during the journey and I handed the phone over to Haiwei, who handed it back a minute later saying Lu Wen wasn't coming. Hmmm...I wonder what he said to him....

The football seemed little more than an excuse to eat and drink more. Haiwei's wife was there, together with another couple, and the remnants of some seafood dishes that made me realise I was still a bit hungry. The rain broke into a huge storm and we eventually had to move inside as even the awning under which we were eating could no longer shield us from moisture being fired in at all angles. The satellite signal went down 5 minutes into the second half and nobody really seemed to notice. Haiwei then told me he hadn't drunk for three months. Not a drop. I didn't know whether to feel guilty or pleased that he'd come out of his (presumably) self-imposed exile so I ganbei'd him to finish off our glass.

Uncle Yellow, some bloke, and Haiwei

Is that a woman doing a number 2?

I got a lift home at around 2am and finally got to sleep at 3am when I literally couldn't open my eyes any more while reading about the football.

Goodbye London, Ni hao Pingguo (yet again)

I'd booked it over four months ago and didn't regret choosing the London to Guangzhou route as we had two years ago, especially as the wait would only be a couple of hours before going to Nanning.
I think I didn't sleep on the 12 hour flight to Guangzhou but I don't remember the end of "The Wolf of Wall Street" or any other film I started watching. The kids were pretty good except they needed someone to accompany them to the bog but this is acceptable. We were happy with an hour of lounge access in Guangzhou as for some reason Heathrow Terminal 4 doesn't have one. All the drinks on display were at room temperature and I didn't hold out much hope when I asked one of the women if they had a cold beer instead but surprisingly she went out back and brought me one that really hit the spot.

Really really really annoyingly I found my SIM card no longer worked. That meant the number I had nurtured for nearly three years had gone, despite my efforts last summer to ensure it wouldn't by explaining this exactly to the girls in the China Mobile shop at the bottom of our block. I'd even got people to top up our numbers. And strangely last year I didn't have this problem at all. I do need to nail down how to keep the number without leaving the SIM in China. Well the internet in the lounge was working, unlike in the rest of the airport, so I was able to contact Chuan Chuan via WeChat and she sorted us two SIM cards before she set off to Nanning to pick us up, so that was sorted relatively quickly but now I'd have to text all my friends my new number for the seventh time in 11 years.

Thankfully, although we had to do passport control at Guangzhou, we didn't have to collect our luggage, and they were fine with us bringing the duty free through security too. The flight to Nanning wasn't too bumpy either so all in all a good, relatively quick trip. A Heng and Chuan Chuan were waiting for us and we put the luggage in a rather large Japanese people carrier, and Tan and the kids and me got into a nice white BMW 525. As we got into Pingguo it really felt like coming home. Tan had been looking forward to going for a bbq but by the time we arrived she was tired and just showered the kids while I went to meet A Wu and grab a beer and bite to eat. It was as if we'd only left last week - Boss Liang was there too and we ate for a bit before I realised I was really tired as I was losing too much at cai ma, so I picked up some stuff for Tan (who'd said she was no longer hungry) and took it back home around 1am. She devoured every last bit as I put away my stuff and realised I had brought too many clothes again.

Our ride to Pingguo

Well it was a long long day

Last day, nasty flight fight

It had crept up like a shadow on a late afternoon but there was nothing we could do about it being our last day in Pingguo. Well, had it been seven years ago we could have extended our then two month stay by another month, but school and work dictated that we go home this weekend.

Tan was her normal stressed out last day self, but pretty much all was packed and we didn't have to leave till 1ish, and only then because A Xia's husband, who was taking us, had to do some stuff in Nanning - otherwise we'd have left a couple of hours later. I knew A Wu wasn't taking us back this year as his office's grand opening is Monday. I'm rather disappointed that we won't be here for that as it would be fun, but hey ho. I was more concerned that A Wu thought A Xia's husband (who is also called A Dong, like the husband of A Hua) would be able to take us all in a saloon car with all our stuff. I had told A Wu yesterday that one such car would never fit us all in but it was all "mei shi mei shi" (no problem).

I took the kids for jiao zi again and sadly recognised it would be our last such meal for a long time. Even the owner, who rarely smiles or engages in conversation smiled and talked a bit when I mentioned we were going. Well at least the kids ate a reasonable amount. On the three minute walk back home I deliberately slowed down to make it five minutes just to soak in a little more Pingguo.

Making the walk back from the jiao zi place a little longer by going the long way round

When A Dong arrived he saw what I'd been telling people for some time, that no way would we get all our stuff into even a large saloon car. But as is the wont here, a few phone calls were made and within 10 minutes a large, if rather aging Japanese people carrier turned up outside our house. Apparently it was one of Er jie's old cars. Well at least it was big enough but I couldn't help thinking we could have done away with the need for last-minute phone calls if a tiny amount of thought had been put into how to transport four people and seven weeks' worth of luggage in one vehicle.

We went to A Wu's office to say goodbye. We did the now customary western hugs with him and A Ni, and A Hua who was there too so I gave her a hug too. Then that was it. For the tenth time in my life I was leaving Pingguo. I didn't even bother taking photos this time.

We got to the airport as ridiculously early as Andge and Awl had been ridiculously late for their returns: 2.30pm for a 7.30pm flight. At least they let us check in. But not before searching my check in luggage as they'd sensed something. Yes, I'd decided to try to take back the Zippo-style lighter that A Wu had given Andge even though he doesn't smoke. I thought it would be better than leaving it in Pingguo as it is quite nice looking. But I'd left it in its gift box so when I found it and showed it to the customs woman I explained that it was a present. She took it apart, then put it back together again and lit it. She waited a few seconds and then said I could take it back. I have a feeling that a few years ago that wouldn't have happened - it would have been strict adherence to the rules. I was grateful to her for that.

It's times like these that having lounge access is really appreciated. But as soon as we were comfortably ensconced Leilei wanted to play on the ipad and Tan realised she didn't have it and we worked out Leilei had left it in the car. Bugger, we knew A Dong had matters to attend to in Nanning and Tan did not want to disturb him. Leilei was distraught and sat on a chair at the other end of the lounge refusing to sit with us but looking almost too sad to cry knowing that it was really his fault for not having it. I really felt for him and explained that there wasn't much we could do about it and sometimes things happen and we learn from them. Whatever the inconvenience it might cause A Dong I thought I'd call him anyway to see if he could make it back with the ipad. The problem was I had two A Dongs in my phone and I had no idea which to call. So I guessed and called the first one. Whoops, that number now belonged to someone completely different and I begged their pardon. For the second one it was A Hua's husband, so I said thanks for coming last night for the seafood meal but actually sorry I meant to ring someone else. Then I rang A Xia herself and mentioned about Leilei's loss in the car her husband was driving and she told me that Tan had just been on the phone to her. Tan had told Leilei that we wouldn't get it back today but I guess had had a change of mind. So I checked with her and she said yes she'd called A Dong and that if he had time he'd come back with it. And yes, at around 6pm he did come, and it had been left in the back of the car, and yes Leilei was a happy boy and yes, hopefully he has learned a lesson.

Tan improving her putting skills during the four hour wait for the plane

The flight to Beijing was ok I suppose...it's never without turbulence it seems and I guess I'm getting better at dealing with it. Thankfully, unlike with China Southern, we didn't have to pick up our luggage and re-check-in, so we found the only lounge we could get in after 10pm and had a nice bite to eat and a proper G&T before the 1.30am flight to London. The kids were ok and Tan was ok, and even the flight was ok enough that I got some sleep after the meal until half way through the 11 hour flight.

I was waiting for the loo when some rather dishevelled white man walked past me and blew a drunken raspberry, as if to emulate the vibrations of the doors of the overhead storage space. I thought nothing of it and had a wee and went back to my seat next to Leilei. A few minutes later we heard a great scream coming from two rows ahead of us. A Chinese man and his wife were punching and kicking the hell out of the drunk white man, and the woman was shouting "he touched my daughter, he touched my daughter!". Then ensuing minutes were very difficult and violent as other passengers tried to intervene and the melée spread down the aisle that split Leilei and me on the right (he was by the window) and Xixi and Tan on the left (Xixi on the aisle side). I tried to calm the Chinese man down a bit as the white bloke obviously wasn't fighting back. I couldn't tell if the Chinese man was also drunk but he was drunk with rage, as I probably would have been had the accusations of his wife been true.

Eventually, after about 20 minutes it seemed to have slightly calmed down and I was sure we were on our way to the nearest airport to make an emergency landing. The drunk was sitting at the back of the plane in that curtained off area with an attendant and the Chinese bloke in front of me was being encouraged to sit down but having none of it. Then the attendant walked up the aisle to start to talk to the Chinese man. So much for the calm...a minute later there was a scream from behind me and then the bloke sitting next to Tan leapt off his seat and jumped on the drunk man, who had got up from his seat at the back of the plane and apparently been ogling some girl a few rows behind us and was just about to jump on her. So again there was almost the same situation with people jumping on him and others jumping on them to pull them off. Most of the plane was standing up wondering what was happening, women in tears and men trying to help out but not knowing what to do. I just kept Xixi away from falling adults and told the Chinese man that enough had been done and the drunk was not worth it.

Somehow, very slowly, it became slightly less chaotic but everyone was on tenterhooks for the remaining five hours. One of the attendants came up to me later and asked me, in Chinese, to write a witness statement. I had to be honest and say I'd not actually seen the accused touch either of the girls. But Tan had and dictated her statement for me to write as she was still shaking. Apparently the man sitting beside her who jumped to grab the drunk the second time was the father of the girl about to be jumped on.

I was quite relieved that it appeared we were actually going all the way to London, though that was surely wrong with such an air rage incident. What was stranger, though, was that with half an hour to go, with the two Chinese dads of the daughters in deep discussion with one of the attendants, another attendant bought the now slightly soberer but dishevelled and black-eyed drunk over to them to shake hands. I could hardly believe it. With such accusations I can't imagine just shaking hands if it had been my daughter. This is surely a very serious criminal offence. My only reasoning was that maybe the Chinese men could theoretically have been arrested too for violent behaviour and decided against spending some time of their holiday in prison. I wonder if the police will get in contact with us about that statement - surely Air China have to report this incident.

And there it was. My kids treated to some shocking behaviour as soon as they got back to the western world. Well, that's a bit unfair...but I've never seen anything approaching such a violent incident in Pingguo, whatever the levels of booze involved. Anyway Da Yong was there waiting for us to drive us back and we appreciated being at Gatwick rather than Heathrow and drove the 45 minutes back to dump off our stuff and catch up on some well-needed rest. And that was it till the next time. I feel like I need a holiday!

Locked out at the last storm before the last supper

I woke up at 9am in the study and realised I'd better get some more kip so did so till 10.30, still feeling a bit rough for the first time in ages (at least since Beihai). Lunch was starting to become the repetitive jiao zi but my condition called for something known and benign. Once again work beckoned and that took up some of my afternoon until nearly 5 when I went to Waipo's for a meal. Although there were only Tan, Waipo and Chuan Chuan it felt important to eat there as there wouldn't be much more time for family meals. After the meal Waipo insisted in giving us more moon cakes than we could feasibly carry but after giving some to Chuan Chuan we took them home anyway and I fitted what I could into our suitcases.

My insides have been behaving themselves this year more than most. Perhaps they're finally getting used to being here. But this evening was a bit of an exception and to my horror I found that I'd blocked our toilet (not the en suite one luckily). I saw a blue contraption that looked a little like a cross between an accordion and plunger and to my delight it was the latter. It was quite an ingenious design but would it work? Yes, so efficiently in fact that I felt gratitude and the need to take a picture of it in equal measures.

An accordion plunger that did the trick

I'd agreed that Tan could get a dou jiang maker so we said we'd meet at the supermarket near Waipo's. When I got there she wasn't there and it transpired she was at a different one. I could have argued that actually the one I was at was closer but I bit my lip and got a san lun che to where she was. We spent half an hour before we decided to buy a fancy looking dou jiang mixer for 400 kuai, before she got her eyes on some other kitchenware. I wasn't so interested but had noticed the very quick change of colour of the sky outside and the suddenly loud noise of the wind against advertising hoardings. I went outside and felt the change of climate within a couple of minutes as the midnight blue closed in on my last evening in Pingguo. But then it was back to reality as we bought some mini huoguo and bbq thing for another 300 kuai and I took delight in signing my name in Chinese on the receipt.

Another dusk storm brewing up

Packing these items turned out to be harder than I imagined but I got the stuff in, including two free gift glasses with the dou jiang mixer but there wasn't any space left. I decided I'd make this my mates' night out hence sorting out the packing first. By 8pm I was mainly done so started calling them. I'd decided to go the Beihai seafood place to see my friend Huang the cook I've known for about four years now but hardly seen this year. All my mates except for Boss Hu said they'd be able to make it at 9pm or some time later.

By now there really was a storm and it looked so good I opened up one of the few remaining Moutai beers that I don't like that much (but Lu Hai gave to me) and had a good watch from the balcony. I couldn't tell if the view was better from the front or the back of the house so I decided to see if I could get to the roof. I didn't expect to as last year I tried and it was locked, but to my pleasant surprise the handle moved down and I opened the door to what would be the 18th floor. It was the perfect time before the rain came but the lightning was performing all over. I stood taking videos, as if that would be anything like the real thing, when I felt the wind start up and the first heavy raindrops. Unfortunately there was little cover from the rain, and more unfortunately as I turned towards the door I noticed that the wind got there first and closed it for me. And yes, the handle on the outside didn't budge and I was locked out. Banging on the door was fruitless, so I looked around to find what I may make use of. But I wasn't going to be abseiling down so I didn't look much further than my phone and realised as I had to go out very soon I'd have to call the missus and admit to being a bit of a wally without a brolly.

I got the expected tuts, but I expected she was smiling behind them. She said she'd come to open the door but 10 minutes later I heard or saw no sign. Then it dawned on me that the staircase I had come up must have been one of up to four others dividing the five blocks. At least there had to be a chance that one of them was not locked. I didn't really expect it but in fact the first other door I came to was indeed not a door, it was ajar, so I got in, rather wet, and wished I'd tried that before calling Tan. I took the lift to the bottom floor, got out, walked 20 yards and got in our block's door to see Chuan Chuan and the kids ready to get in the lift too. So Tan had sent her and the kids to rescue me...how embarrassing - at least it would have been had I still been up there.

I called Huang the cook to say I'd be coming over at 9pm and he was very excited. By 8.50 he called me back to ask where I was and I told him not to worry. In China, if you are the inviter you typically get there well before everyone else but as I knew this place and its boss I didn't feel the need. When I got there Huang was indeed very excited to see me and led me to a table and ordered some beer and sat down with me. I realised he was rather drunk when he kept calling me xiong di...like a close brother. He kept going on about how we were xiong di and kept shaking my hand in a rather annoying manner by curling up his index finger as he did so and clasping our hands together with his left hand. I said I was happy to be his xiong di and he asked me if I knew what it meant. Of course I did but he insisted on pointing out a table with some men on it who I knew were his friends as he'd been drinking with them when I arrived. He pointed at them and said they were not his xiong di, but I was his xiong di. I was not quite sure how to react so shook his hand in gratitude and immediately regretted it as his index knuckle once more nearly pierced my palm.

My xiong di Huang with his annoying curly index finger but charming daughter

Huang did need to get back to cooking but not before the first guests arrived. A Dong came and as he reached my table was immediately shouted at by some mates at another table and went there for the next 45 minutes. Then the bloke who used to assist Huang here at the seafood place turned up and I was quite glad as I hadn't seen him this or last year. Then every couple of minutes someone else turned up till we had to start getting new chairs to fit around the table. I ordered about four dishes and gratefully saw them gobbled up - two plates of prawns, some razor things and some fish. Lu Hai came and brought some of his own fried fish which were delicious and I ordered some greens too. Li Kun turned up with a mate, looking like he'd already had a skinful but insisted in gan bei'ing everyone there. After a little while he looked like he could barely focus and aimed his glance at the floor. I thought he was going to paint it with vomit but then he got his head up again and did a few more gan bei's and said he had a present for Awl and for me and he would definitely get it. With that he disappeared in the car with his mate.

Li Kun looking slightly like he might have had one too many and me with one too few

Jiefu turned up and I experienced one of the few times I was genuinely happy to have my Nokia N8. He had brought some of his professional photographs of Pingguo (one of which was exploded and hanging on Bak Sec Zhai's living room wall). They were on one of those old style compact flash cards that are about an inch and a half square but luckily he had a card reader. But when he realised I didn't have a laptop he was concerned. He needn't have been; I got out my mini-usb to usb cable plugged it into my phone and into his card reader cable and within seconds was copying his photos onto my phone's SD card. Oh geeky heaven! Try doing that with an iphone (it's not straightforward with an Android either).

Others were interested in the photos when I showed them on my phone and I said I'd send copies to them via QQ. But a minute later Jiefu, slightly embarrassedly, said to me privately that these were his work and were generally for sale rather than giveaway. I felt very embarrassed myself as I realised he was giving me something both unique and quite valuable, but I think everyone understood, and he said I could send out copies of one of the photos to my friends.

Pingguo by dusk by Jiefu - Bak Sec Zhai has an 8' by 2' print on his wall at home

Guang chang by day - taken from the top of our building by Jiefu...at least he didn't lock himself out

At about 11pm A Wu and A Da turned up and straight away ordered a number of plates as they were hungry, but I didn't mind as long as people ate them. However, I didn't want a late night, or a particularly boozy one. Then Ling Ming rang and asked if we were still there so I said of course he and his fiancée could come over. Then, to my complete surprise, Li Kun pulled up again (with his mate driving again) and got out and produced a gold and a red bag. Inside each bag was a tin of the same colour containing expensive tea. He said the gold one was a bit better quality and that was for Awl. I thanked him very much and genuinely look forward to seeing him again next time. But where will I put the tea?

Me, Xiao Nong (blocking Ling Ming), Jiefu, A Da, A Wu, Huang's ex-assistant, Lu Hai

By now it was gone midnight and I needed to make tracks so but I wasn't the only one; Haiwei was still feeling the effects from yesterday...he said he couldn't even remember taking me to A Wu's office last night which is a bit worrying.

I went to pay the bill and it came to 940 kuai so a tad over 100 quid. But for three and a half hours of up to 12 blokes drinking and eating quality stuff it was worth several times that. We said our annual farewells and I got into A Wu's car and started driving them back. We hadn't got 300 yards when we saw a bloke on crutches sitting at a table that I recognised from the last time Venky was around. He was some sort of boss - Tan reckons from the mafia. I stopped the car and we got out and had the usual couple of gan bei's but I insisted on getting back as it was late and I had a "matter" to attend to, as the Chinese say when they don't want to be too specific about something. Finally home at getting on for one but it was a great evening in many ways.